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From That Day Forward, Billy Never Spoke During Sack Races
Little boy: Is it garbage or is it presents? Is it garbage or is it presents?
Mom: If you aren't quiet, whatever is in the bags now will be garbage.
Little boy: [Silence.]
Mom: Uh huh... That's called logic.
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
And a Nazi Wouldn't Hail a Cab Of Color
Little tourist boy: Mommy! Look, that lady is a Nazi!
Frazzled tourist mom: What? Oh... Honey, that nice lady is hailing a cab, not Hitler.
--Bowery
At Last, Someone Who Shares My Passion!
Girl in line: And that's when I told him that if he's going to keep masturbating in a glass box, at least I shouldn't have to... (stops, realizing everyone is listening)
Guy in line to friend: That is so going in my blog.
--Kimmel Center, NYU
Coincidentally, How Cleopatra Resolved Political Disputes
Guy, to girl with bangs and big eyes: I like that... Cleopatra thing you got goin' on there.
Girl, annoyed: Cleopatra? You think I look like Cleopatra?
Guy: Well, yeah.
Girl: Okay. (sighs) Can we just have sex now?
--W 4th St
It's a Members Only Jacket
Girl: But my gynecologist loves my vagina! She says it's very tan!
Guy: Yeah... tan and leathery.
--New Amsterdam Theatre
Ugh, I'd Prefer the AIDS
Russki #1: You can have my girlfriend.
Russki #2: I don't want your girlfriend, she has AIDS.
Russki #1: Use a condom.
--Staten Island
Overheard by: R
And Clean the Grout Between His Shower Tiles
High school girl #1: Did you see Juno?
High school girl #2: Oh my god! I loved it! Especially that song they sang!
High school girl #1: I know! I always try to get my boyfriend to sing like that with me, but he just tells me to get on my knees.
--79th & Lex
Tonight on Fox: When Transubstantiation Goes Wrong!
Elderly man with eyes bulging: They fried up the Pope in a side of vinegar!
Girl: Yeah, they do that sometimes.
--Henry St & Pineapple Walk
And You Should See My Dishwasher
NYU kid #1: Who wouldn't want sex toys?
NYU kid #2: Well, I already have so many. I don't have clothes in my drawers, they're full of sex toys!
--Washington Square Park
Of Course, We Burn the Urine First
Woman: Excuse me, where is your bathroom?
Cashier: I'm sorry, we don't have a bathroom in this facility.
Male customer: What do you guys do when you have to use the bathroom?
Cashier: How do you think our coffee gets its unique flavor?
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: Making my own Espresso from now on
I May Lie in Court But Never on My Profile
Thug #1: Aw, damn! Look who just got out of jail!
Thug #2: Wassup? Wassup?
Thug #1: How you feel?
Thug #2: Free as a bird, just like it says on my MySpace.
--Starbucks, Park Slope
Public School Teachers Don't Get Paid Enough
Student #1: Mr S., you have a big wenis.
Teacher: What!?
Student #1: "Wenis" is the extra skin at the back of your elbow.
(teacher grabs forearm)
Student #2: No, straighten your arm and grab the extra skin. If you pinch your wenis really hard it doesn't hurt! Try it, pinch your wenis, Mr S.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
NewsFlash: Ruby Slipper Asskicking in Bryant Park!
Tourist lady #1: Look Sherry, there's the tree.
Tourist lady #2: Wow, great! I'm soooo excited. (sees it) That's it? Looks bigger on TV!
Tourist lady #1: Everything looks bigger on TV. Oprah isn't really that fat.
Passerby: This ain't Rockefeller Center ladies, go back to Kansas.
--Bryant Park Tree, 6th Ave & 41st
Overheard by: tonyElev
How Come Roasting Nuts Aren't Gross When Nat King Cole Sings About Them?
Male suit: Ugh! What is that smell?
Female suit: It's from the nut guy.
Male suit: Who?
Female suit: The nut guy. He's over there selling warm, roasted nuts. He's nuts for nuts!
Male suit: Oh. Man, it's freezing out here! I wish someone would roast my nuts!
Female suit: Don't be gross! There's kids around!
Male suit: Yeah, what's up with all these kids? What is up with 5th avenue?
Female suit: I think it's a school trip. They're here to see the tree.
Male suit: That's fucking dumb! Their asses need to be in school!
Female suit: Wow, you're unpleasant!
Male suit: Screw you! You're nuts for my nuts!
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Juan Chung
Then Come Back and Tell Me What You Learned
Drunk #1: I'm so fucking wasted!
Drunk #2 (to laughing group passing by): What the fuck are you laughing at? You repressed, reactionary douchebags!
Drunk #1: You repressed fucks!
Drunk #2: Go to Busch Gardens!
--7th & Ave A
I Think There's a Small Child Trapped in My Back-Flab
Ghetto chick #1: Yo, how come people keep leaving but we're still fucking crushed in?
Ghetto chick #2: It's 'cause we're fat, bitch.
--Rockefeller Center
But Not As Much As Its Bastard Cousin, The Foreseeable Future
Mother pleading with squirmy four-year-old son in tight jacket: Just keep it on for the time being.
Son: I hate the time being.
--Christmas Mass, St Patrick's
Alright, Science, This Is Your Time to Shine
Chick eating a Boston Kreme: Mmm, I love this shit.
Dude: Yeah, enjoy your pastry filled with cum.
Chick: If cum ever tasted this good, I'd never get off my knees.
--Bloomingdale's, Lexington
That Kid Wasn't Even Hot
Girl: So she made a mistake!
Man: She's a pedophile!
Girl: It was a big mistake!
--62nd & York
Overheard by: petey
Oh He's Got Plenty of Tenure--Wait, What?
Student: I saw my professor in the park over the weekend.
Friend: So?
Student: It was three in the morning. And he was exposed... He was peeing.
Friend: Huh. I wonder if he has tenure.
--Coles Gym, Mercer Street
Overheard by: Studying for Finals at NYU
Because Around Here We Call It "Cock Sap"
Sex ed volunteer: Now if you put the condom on the wrong way, do not, I repeat, do not turn it inside out and put it on. Because we all know what gets on the tip.
Male student: Penis juice!
Sex ed volunteer: Did you just say "penis juice"?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Withnail
It Might Be Time for Yogi to Find His Own Place
NYU girl #1: There is hair everywhere in my life.
NYU girl #2: Really?
NYU girl #1: It's literally in everything I eat.
--NYU Dorm
How the Boys Got to the Front of the Salad Line
Straight guy #1: Dude, I like your family, but there is no way that I would blow the whole football team to save their lives.
Straight guy #2: Well, I'd blow them for your family.
Straight guy #1: Even if it was right after a game?
Straight guy #2: If I have to blow 60 guys, you think I'd give a shit if they are sweaty or not? That's the least of it.
--In line at Just Salad, E 51st
Is It Still a Huge Triceratops Hangout?
Daughter: Huh? I thought the Bronx was on the mainland.
Mother: You may be right.
Daughter: How do you not know?! You lived there!
Mother: Things have change since then.
--LIRR
Like, Starving-Children-in-Somalia Bad!
Girl #1: Whenever I come here I wanna buy stuff.
Girl #2: Me too!
Girl #1: It's really bad.
Girl #2: It's so bad.
--Sephora, Union Square
Overheard by: MKB
Dude, She's British-- She Wouldn't Even Be Grateful
Guy #1: I'd totally have a threesome with Judi Dench.
Guy #2: Uhh, this conversation is getting uncomfortable.
Guy #1: C'mon, dude, dame Judi Dench is the bomb!
--Chelsea
Otherwise My Stripper Act Just Wasn't Cohesive
Old suit to magazine stand man: You know, they were going to transfer me to India but they had only one condition.
Stand man: Oh, what was that?
Old suit: I needed a cobra.
--University Place
Overheard by: Julia
Not Without Wearing a Pink Ribbon!
Little boy: Mommy, can't you just walk off breast cancer?
Mom, screaming: No!
--Houston & Broadway
Hasn't Bush Passed a Law About This?
Old, grumpy man: Where is the express line?
Woman: Right here.
[Old, grumpy man attempts to cut the line.]
Woman: I don't know if you can see it, but the back of the line is all the way over there!
Old, grumpy man: But I'm a Christian!
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: David Sanchez
Oh, Why Kid Myself? I'm Just His Fleshlight
Teenage dancer guy #1: I think he'd want his favorite student to eat at his favorite restaurant.
Teenage dancer guy #2: You're not his favorite student, you're just his sex buddy.
--W 85th St b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: uptowngirl137
The People at the Health Center Told Me to Sleep It Off
College girl: Woah, dude! How do you even live?!
College guy: I mean, I dunno. I just like pee outta my mouth.
--4th & Mercer
Cooked on a Reese Witherspoon?
Guy: Let's go watch Legally Blonde and do heroin.
Friend: Yeah!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Rosanna
Like You're in an Exotic Third-World Country or Something
Girl: So, how many people do you share an apartment with right now?
Guy: Seventeen.
Girl: That's cool!
--Lower East Side
All Porn Points to "Yes"
Asian boy: So I went on a date with this guy -and this has happened before- he asked me if I shave my arms! And I was like: "No... I'm Asian."
White girl: Are Asians hairless?
--5 Mott Street
Overheard by: Laura B
Headline by: Toby
Runners-Up:
· "Asians Also Lack a Four-Chambered Heart." - Matthew
· "Later He Asked Me If I'd Had Penis Reduction Surgery" - Jazz Musician
· "Racism Isn't Waning - It's Waxing" - Alchar Haven
· "What Do You Think We Are, Mammals?" - kew
· "Why Anime and Furries Just Don't Mix!" - GeekGrrl
· "Yes, But We All Buy the Same Wigs" - Melissa
· "Yes, It Makes Us More Aerodynamic So We Breeze Through Those Math Classes." - JohnnyB
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If You Start Singing Again, I'll Tell Security You're From Yemen
Girl #1: I'm sick of college. Too much work.
Girl #2: Let's just go to Funkytown.
--LaGuardia Airport
Smart Money Says the Cheat Sheet Was One Off
Student teacher: Guys! Seriously! Was the Underground Railroad an actual train?
7th graders: No.
Student teacher: Then why did you all circle "true" for number 8: "The Underground Railroad ran on coal"?
--University Neighborhood Middle School
Of the Blue-Footed Variety
Adult friend: Your mommy just had a baby! How is Jack* doing? Does he have a lot of bottles?
Little girl: No, just boobies.
--Economy Candy, Lower East Side
Wednesday One-Liners Are Next to Godliness
Hipster: It just sucks having to change the sheets every day.
--54th & Broadway
Overheard by: J-Dawg
Man coming out of bathroom: Rhetorical question: do you wash your hands before or after pissing?
--Columbia Bathroom
Old man on cell: You tell her I don't want her using that same toilet brush. I want her to use a new one for my place.
--34 Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: truly confused
Tranny to another: And I told him if he wanted to shove that shit up my pussy, he better wash it real good first!
--2nd St b/w 1st & 2nd Aves
Guy on cell: It still stinks? Did you try washing it? Oh. How about using a nail brush? You did? Well, how much skin did you lose?
--C Train
Overheard by: Davis Baker
Angry thug on cell: I ain't washin' shit!
--Broadway & Great Jones
Overheard by: Jon A.
Wednesday One-Liners Were "Working Late"
Girl to friend: Get all your cheating in before you are married!
--Viacom Building, 44th & Broadway
Angry dude on cell: Well I bet you enjoyed fucking him last night while I was sitting outside your house watching!
--Hudson & Morton
Guy on cell: Hey sweetie... Oh, you're so out of breath! Did you just finish having sex? [Pause.] Oh, okay, great. Just give me a call later!
--85th & 2nd
[Boy and girl are making out on a bench.]
Girl, pulling away: You should really break up with her! [Make out session continues.]
--Entrance to Central Park at West 85th St
Overheard by: Bex
Man to woman, after kissing her for 20 minutes: C'mon, let's go find your husband and my wife.
--Bryant Park
Man talking to friend in hallway: And so he says to me: "I never promised that I wouldn't try to sleep with your wife."
--Basement, Mt Sinai Hospital
Overheard by: scrubs
Checkout girl to another: He said it wasn't cheating because I'm his favorite.
--Food Emporium, 68th & Broadway
Overheard by: David
Where My Wednesday One-Liners At?
Homeless man to barking dog: You can yell at me all you want! It don't change a thing! I can hold shit and you can't cause you don't got thumbs, bitch!
--Union Square Dog Park
Man, talking to his dog as he walks it: I don't understand it. Why won't you talk to me?
--W 225th St
Man to barking dog: Okay, okay, we'll go to the park.
--75th & Madison
Overheard by: tb
Woman carrying tiny white dog in doggy bag, walking ahead of man carrying another tiny white dog in doggy bag: It's a temporary separation.
--W 66th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Big ghetto guy talking to dog: Look forward! You know what your problem is? You're too fuckin' beautiful! Someone gonna see you and steal you. And they won't treat you as nice, they beat you and burn your ass. You know they eat dog? Chinese people eat dog! They chop you up with a butcher knife and serve you. You the main course... with a side of flied lice. Look forward!
--19th St
Overheard by: Intellectual Steakhead
Man, to small white dog: Hey puppy, I'm gonna kill you! [Turns to scared-looking Asian girl.] I was trying to make you laugh. I guess it didn't work.
--29th b/w 7th & 8th
Wednesday One-Liners (the King James Version)
Cute chick on cell: If the Amish can do it, so can you. [Pause, then louder.] If the Amish can do it, so can you!
--113th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Lady on cell: You tell my momma to get her ass to church and stop sinning!
--Grand Concourse, 205th St.
Overheard by: LSB
Black guy to another: Go to the Catholic church, cracka. They got good drugs.
--11th & A
Middle Eastern man: I believe in Islam and Allah, but I drink, I smoke, and I fuck. When I stop doing those things, then I'll pray.
--C Train
Overheard by: Mark
Thug: I totally invented the Chuck Norris religion.
--Queens Mall
Overheard by: LSB
Wednesday One-Liners (Bow Chicka Bow Bow)
Suit: Do you know what it's like when you're reading the news and you get 19 clips of Brazilian women fucking?
--Astor Place & Lafayette
Overheard by: that's a problem?
Woman to dinner companion: I think I'd like to get into flagellation porn. I'm not really sure how to go about it though.
--Ludlow & Broome
Random girl, during lull in party conversation: But it's straight porn!
--Bleecker & W 10th
Overheard by: Deontology
Guy: I wouldn't fuck her if she was the last person on earth! There had better be porn on cable!
--5 Train
Professor: Does anyone know Henry Miller? [Girl raises her hand.] You and those of us... those of us who had to resort to the Sears Roebuck catalog for porn... Well, when we got older we had to turn to higher literature so we'd flip through Henry Miller for delightful dirty passages.
--Religion Class, Hunter College
Overheard by: liza
Great Wednesday One-Liners.... For Me to Poop On!
Five-year-old girl in the men's bathroom: Hey everybody! Look! I have fat poopies!
--New Dance Group, West 38th St
Random chick: She's gonna be all over me for shitting today.
--Outside Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Girl: I so should have taken a dump in that toilet!
--14th & 4th
High school boy: I literally walked in the bathroom and saw like, someone took a dump on the floor; and it was more than one person! And I was just like, wow, is this a new trend or something?
--Fresh Meadows, Queens
Overheard by: Caro-kun
18-year-old CPR/AED instructor on using a defibrillator: ...if you're touching the person when you administer the shock, it won't kill you, but you might poo a little.
--50th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Chick: Welp, I am ready to have diarrhea now!
--2nd Ave & 11th
I Was Told There Would Be No Wednesday One-Liners on This Exam
Woman to another woman: It's really the same thing. Like six and a half of another dozen.
--Times Square Subway Station
Overheard by: Billy
Black woman: He gets four weeks paid vacation! Four weeks! That's like two months!
--34th & Broadway
Auntie someone: Yeah, my brother has like 18 kids and I ain't even met like a hundred of 'em!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Crazy man: I just decided to become a decimal point.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Cool, cuz im a period.
Delivery truck guy, counting boxes: 18 plus 20 equals 30, plus 22 is 42.
--Midwood, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Feliz Navidad
Girl on cell: Yeah, no. Five times eight is forty... I think... Well, hopefully, anyway.
--Waverly & Broadway
Overheard by: Kyla
Wednesday One-Liners Neck With Their Steadies
Guy on cell: Dude, the girl is hot. We kissed a little last night, but I just wanna make out with her. I just wanna make out with her all night long. [Pause.] Yeah, I said make out.
--73rd & 1st
Overheard by: Missy
Overweight hipster girl with lisp: I'm the make-out masta.
--NYU Hayden Hall
Overheard by: The Doctor
Balding frat guy to girlfriend: Dude, open your eyes a little bit when we make out so it's not like I'm raping you.
--C Train
Overheard by: I hate when that happens, too
Drunk girl: ...so they ended up making out in a port-a-potty.
--Spring & Lafayette
College girl on cell: Don't move in with him, just make out with people!
--Starbucks, West 43rd & Broadway
Overheard by: good advice
Wednesday One-Liners Have More Stomachs Than a Cow
Teen boy: I like touching fat people.
--69th St & 5th Ave, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Jon A.
Guy to friends: So I was on the subway the other day and I was counting some guys' chins and I realized, I'm just not a nice person.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: CUMT
Large black woman on cell: Of course I'm loud, I'm fat!
--25th & 8th
Overheard by: Beckerman
Chick to guy: I'm thinking of keeping it, as an excuse to get fat.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Ladle
30-something with heavy NYC accent: Ya know, if I had to do high school all over again, I woulda fucked a fat chick. I wouldna cared so much.
--34th & 5th
Man yelling on cell: I would be so much better at Jeopardy then her! Her fat Indian hands can't hit the button as fast as I can!
--35rd St & 5th Ave
Female house manager: He comes over and he's like: "What are you doing?" and I said: "My job." and he goes: "You're fat."
--Theater, St Mark's Place
Overheard by: Mariah
You Can't Choose Your Wednesday One-Liners
Jewish girl: I think my family likes me because I will fulfill my potential to be a pompous ass.
--NYU Bobst Library
Thirty-something Hispanic woman: All my nephews are boys... All of them.
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Suze V
Girl on cell: Well then maybe you shouldn't have fucked my sister!
--70 & Broadway
Girl on cell: ...The half-Asian, half-Jewish guy. And she's like: "My brother is so pissed at me!" and I'm like: "Of course he's pissed, you've gotten with six of his friends."
--St. John's University
Overheard by: Peter G
Guy: I've seen my sister-in law's titties so many times...
--Yankee Stadium
Girl on cell: So the little girl at the wedding was like: "Are you guys brothers?" And I was like: "No, we fuck".
--24th St b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Amy
Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Be Taken If You Are Pregnant or Nursing
Kid to friend: Is your dad in town? I need Ambien CR.
--Saatchi & Saatchi, Hudson St
Overheard by: dlr
Guy on cell: No, they never came. [Pause.] I just never got them! [Pause.] I told you you can't just send random pills through the mail!
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Strung out middle-aged lesbian: How long does that detox stuff take to work? I need to be clean of the Xanax by my doctor's appointment next week. He knows I'm on meth, but he can't find out I'm on Xanax.
--E Train
Worried suit: ...But I can't be on Zoloft, so I don't know what to do.
--E 14th St
Patient to friend: He asked for an Ensure. He got an Ambien instead.
--NYS Psychiatric Institute
Overheard by: nonrandomerror
Suit: Her meds worked better this audition season -you could tell.
--Oriental Garden
The Girly Bits Of Wednesday One-Liners
Young man in small crowd: Honestly, the vaginas I've seen in real life are nowhere near as bad as the vaginas I've seen in med school.
--86th & Columbus
Overheard by: Stacey
Girl: I feel like the male anatomy is so much more straightforward. The vag is hard to master.
--Fordham University
20-something girl: If he's gonna be such a whiny vagina about you being safe about your vagina, then you shouldn't be sleeping with him anyways.
--NYU Dorm
Teenage boy, eating a sandwich: He said no mayonnaise. It tastes like a big vagina.
--63rd Drive & Queens Boulevard
Hobo: And then the woman just sucked it all into her vagina.
--44th & 7th
Overheard by: The One
Frantic Asian guy, running across the street in front of Worldwide Plaza: Yeah... Yeah... But whose vagina?"
--9th Ave & 50th St
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Odds Are, Someone Has a Machete in Their Pocket
Conductor: You keep holdin' those doors open, I'll put this train out of service, then you'll be walkin' home!
[Several minutes later, a man is still trying to open the doors with his foot.]
Passenger: Yo! Somebody please cut that man's foot off!
--G Train
Overheard by: Johnny Salami
When You Call, You Get Transferred to the Rejection Hotline
Old lady to bus driver: This service is getting worse and worse.
Bus driver, on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the best service we can provide at this moment. For any complaints please call the MTA [Pause.] And let me tell you this now... They won't do anything.
--M79 Bus
Overheard by: Mr. Fix-it !! (HH)
But It Was Still the Best Math-Club Party Yet
Obnoxiously loud girl: So I was at this party and this really drunk girl was like: "Oh my god, pierce my nipples!" and this guy did and I watched the whole thing.
Her friend: Really?
Obnoxiously loud girl: Yeah! But I was expecting blood, don't you think there'd be blood?
--Starbucks, Washington Square
Now It's Much Less Crowded Under the Bridge
Student: But if little kids are rude it's not really their fault...
Teacher: Yes it is. [Grins.] That's why I ate my children.
--English Class, Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Not to Be Confused with Every Other Network Show
Thug #1: Do you wanna watch The Real World with me?
Thug #2: Who's on that show?
Thug #3: Just some crazy white people.
--Leon M. Goldstein High School, Brooklyn
'Bye'? What the Hell Do You Mean by That?
Thugette to friend, as she exits train: Remember to wash your pussy tonight!
Friend: Bye!
--L Train
Overheard by: Colleen
That Helps to Explain What Ensued
Girl talking casually to friend: So I've been listening to Michael Jackson all morning, and as I was passing the guy who sits next to me I started singing "Don't stop till you get it up".
Friend: Ummm. [Pauses.] But the lyrics are "Don't stop till you get enough".
--38th & Broadway
Overheard by: Miss. Me
I've Memorized All of Chewbacca's Dialogue
Man in kilt #1: It was very strange.
Man in kilt #2: Yah! He came up to me and went rawwwrrr just like Chewbacca in the third Star Wars.
Man in kilt #1: What's Star Wars?
--43rd & 7th
Overheard by: Laughs at Kilts
Think Of It As Getting Paid to Watch Bad TV
[Man enters train.]
Man: Damn! I have jury duty today...
Random girl: Dude, that sucks. I'm sorry. But hey, it could be worse.
Man: Yeah, it could be worse, I could be on trial.
--R Train
And You Should Know You're Not Skinny
Man: Skinny bitch.
Employee: Excuse me??
Man: Skinny bitch.
Employee: Um, if you're looking for the book, you should ask at the information desk.
[Man walks in opposite direction.]
Employee: Next time, you might want to preface that one...
Man, interrupting: I don't have time to stand around and have a conversation about it.
--Strand Bookstore
You'd Think the Center of the Universe Would Get More Respect
Guy #1: So how come you're late?
Guy #2: The conductor on the train held us in the station cause some woman was sick... All I could think was: "How dare this bitch get sick on my train?"
--Brooklyn Tech High School
Overheard by: kreuzweg
Recorded Women Listen Even Better Than Real Women
Recorded lady's voice on escalator: Have a nice day.
Thug: Shut up!
--E Train Station
Overheard by: Katie dela Cruz
But the Bangs Frame His Sores Nicely
Queer #1: I hear Jerry got a haircut.
Queer #2: It doesn't matter: he still has scabies.
--Reade St & Lafayette
Then Who'll Finish Teaching You to Write Your Initials?
Teen #1, peeing against side of building: Oh, shit. Now everyone's getting out of the concert. Can anyone see me?
Teen #2: Come on, man, don't be shy. Everyone wants to meet you. You're practically a celeb.
Teen #1, still peeing: I'm so not going to be your friend sophomore year.
--Webster Hall
Overheard by: Concertgoer
For $1000, You Can Barely Get an Inflatable Woman
Wife: She called up the radio and guessed the right song, and they give her a thousand dollars.
Husband: Mmm... [Shakes head.] If I ever win $1,000 I'm gonna buy me a good woman.
Wife: Excuse me? You got yourself a good woman right here. You ever do that, she take the money and leave yo ass, nigga.
--Virgin Records
Overheard by: Maria
Or the Prime Minister of Israel?
Girl #1: Oh, Yahoo Japan, I thought it said Yoohoo.
Girl #2: What's Yahoo? Is that a place in Japan?
--Dorms, Fordham University
Overheard by: MeganB
Why We Named Her "Nagasaki"
Girl: God, that dog's farts are disgusting.
Guy: Yea, her ass smells like World War II.
--M Train
Overheard by: Jonathan V.
No Disrespect Was Intended or Should Be Inferred
Tourist: Wait, so you're telling me that Jesus is coming back within the next year?
Apocalyptic shaman: Amen brother.
Tourist: And that he's a black man?
Apocalyptic shaman: Now, why you got to go and be a wise-ass cracka about it?
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Meghan
I Still Think That Nun Was Lying About Satan Living in the Clit
Black teen girl #1: Okay, what's your sign?
Black teen girl #2: Aries!
Black teen girl #1: [reading] "You will learn a lot this month..."
Black teen girl #2: Man, fuck that shit, all I want to learn is the true anatomy of my vagina!
--N Train
Overheard by: Natalie
They Deserve a Tony for Best Supporting Limbs
Broadway man: I thought she acted well.
Broadway woman: She had great thighs, too.
--E 49th & 7th
Overheard by: I thought so too
And Our Guidance Counselor Says We Have No Hobbies!
Girl #1: I think I'm starving myself.
Girl #2: Me too!
--Leon M. Goldstein High School
...Let Me Get One of Those Straight-People Double-Ended Dildos...
Man to confused ladies turning around to exit porn shop: We have straight stuff too!
Women, re-entering store: Oh! In that case...
--Chelsea
Headline by: Paul Tabachneck
Runners-Up:
· "All Our Dildos Are Unisex..." - Jacques
· "But You'll Need to Enter the Store Via the Front Door" - Zorak
· "Do You Have Any Dildos Shaped Like Clay Aiken?" - Clay got a bitch preggers...
· "I'll Take 600 Of Your Finest, Blackest Dildos, Please." - porter
· "Ironically, It's In the Rear." - Allison
· "It´s In the Back Behind the Curtain" - Deek
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Isn't It Just a Sports Bottle and a Bowl?
Woman #1: What did that guy just say?
Woman #2: He called you a stinky ass!
Woman #1: What? So what did you say?
Woman #2: I said: "Excuse me! She has a bidet!"
--Paragon Sports, Union Square
Overheard by: Manulski
If They Tell You It's a "Shower" and Give You Soap, Run Away
Passing tourist: What are you guys waiting for?
Tourist in line: We don't know, but we thought it might be fun.
Passing tourist: Okay! [Gets in line].
--Greene & Grand
Overheard by: Collin
She Also Tries to Meet Men by Staying Home and Reading
Young woman #1: I don't want to apply too many times though, because I don't want to look desperate.
Young woman #2: Oh, how many times have you applied?
Young woman #1: None.
--Diner, 48th & Lexington
Overheard by: Visitor to NYC
And Every Cow Has Its Own Udders, Y'know?
Sad, sober friend: I just really miss her, I guess.
Drunk friend: There's no color the sky can't be at any given time. Remember that!
--E 11th & 2nd
Seriously-- Stop Having Those Dinner Parties
Lesbian daughter: Wow, I have such burnt-out memory cells. Not to be confused with my sickle cell.
Sister, laughing: It's all mom's fault! All mom's fault.
Lesbian to mom, screaming and laughing: Why didn't you eat my placenta?! You should've eaten my placenta! You needed to eat my placenta!
Mom, calm as can be: I'm not African. And besides, you have enough people eating your placenta.
--Parking Lot, NYU College
Overheard by: Lesbian's Wifey
We'll Discuss This Further in Our Unit on Assassins
[Class is conjugating Japanese verbs in the "to make someone or let someone" form.]
Student #1: To make someone eat.
Student #2: To make someone sit.
Student #3: To make someone forget. [Beat, then in English.] Wait, how can you make someone forget something?
Japanese teacher, totally serious: Bourne Identity.
--Japanese Class, Columbia University
Overheard by: Vicksburg
You'll Ruin the Other New Yorkers' Delicate Sensibilities
Girl walking with friend: Well how about a fist to your vagina!?
Friend: [Looking around.] Uhh you really don't want to be saying that right now.
--Jay Street
Neither Fitty nor Mrs. Cent Could Be Reached for Comment
Overloud teenager #1: You know what I figured out? All this shit we're listening to now... When we're older that shit's gonna be old school.
Overloud teenager #2: Huh?
Overloud teenager #1: That Fitty track. When we're... older and shit, it's gonna be old school. Shit's gonna be old school.
Overloud teenager #2: I don't get it.
--Uptown 1 Train
If So, I'll Need Big Trash Bags and Ten Minutes in My Apartment
Dispatcher's voice on walkie talkie: Four black males seen in the subway station, dressed as women. Repeat, four black males dressed as women.
Cop, into walkie talkie: Ten-four to central... Is that breaking a law?
--77th St Subway Station
Overheard by: AJ
Like I Haven't Trained It to Strike to Kill?
Man pushing a child in a stroller to old woman walking slowly: Get out of the way!
[Shoves her out of the way, runs across the street frantically pushing the stroller.]
Old woman: Next time I'll kill your baby!
--Christopher & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Randy & Jen
Before He Finds Out We're West Coast Rappers
Man giving out rap CDs: Yo! Check out my new CD, it's only five dollars.
White man: Thanks, but we do not like rap.
Man giving out rap CDs: What are you, racist?
Man's wife: Honey, I think we should go now.
--Times Square
We'll Hang Out With the No-Facesitting Crowd
Annoyingly hipster girl: So there's a fetish party tonight, do you want to go? It's five bucks.
Annoyingly hipster guy: Oh, I don't know.
Annoyingly hipster girl: Come on. It will be better than last time, I promise.
--Whole Foods, Houston St
Like Oz, or Swaziland
Man: Look, there's the arch!
Woman: Oh, I didn't think this place was real!
--Washington Square Park
All You Need Is a Really Good Ventriloquist
Caller: Do you have Pavarotti tickets for 2008?
Customer relations rep: Um... No. You do know he passed away, right?
Caller: Yes, but he's on the program for 2008.
--New York Philharmonic
Not As Crazy As Adding and Subtracting a Random Hour Each Year
[At 3:00 pm.]
Researcher: Oh, I needed to talk to you about the... Oh, wait, good morning! Sorry, good morning first.
Doctor: Morning!? It's almost noon!
Intern, scared and whispering: Oh my goodness, they're all crazy.
--NYU Medical Center
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