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If You Do the Allstate Gesture Again I'm Gonna Smack You
Asian guy to girlfriend: That's the best part about being in a relationship.
White girlfriend: Sandwiches?
Asian guy: Always having an extra pair of hands.
--49th St Station
Overheard by: missalicious
Um...Yes
(guy sits next to perfect stranger)
Guy: Are you dating someone?
Girl: No.
Guy: Can I have your number?
Girl: No.
Guy: Is it because I'm black?
Girl: Of course not.
Guy: Is it because you're a lesbian?
--C Train
The Germans Are Their Natural Predators
Boy at German bar: There's too many Germans in Pittsburgh.
Girl at German bar: That's why there aren't any Jews!
--6th & D
Although If You Had, I'm Sure the French Would've Given Them to You
Polite Japanese tourist: Excuse me, please. Can you give direction to Empire State Building?
Angry old man: Hell, no. It's not like you people needed goddam directions to get to Pearl Harbor.
--Broadway
Overheard by: He's sorta right
Every Minute You Spend at Home Becomes the Walk of Shame
Tall brunette: I wasn't thaaaat drunk.
Shorter blonde: You fucked your roommate!
--6th b/w 1st & A
Overheard by: laughing
I Thought I Was Rocking Your World
Woman: I don't think you're supposed to eat things that are inflamed.
Man (with wide-eyed horror): It was... inflamed?
--Starbucks, Times Square
Nature: 2 Nurture: 0
Little boy #1: You're afraid to talk to girls!
Little boy #2 (very solemnly): Because they're monsters.
--56th & 8th
Overheard by: Cori
I'll Have You Know That's an Autographed Picture
NYU dude: You can't flirt. That's you're problem.
NYU chick: Whatever. I have wit and charm. You've got a picture of Tom Hanks over your bed.
--NYU
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
He Was a JV Soccer Coach in a Former Life
Woman (slowly walking toward a train whose doors are closing): Wait, wait... Hold the doors!
(conductor closes doors, woman glares at him)
Conductor: C'mon now... If you wanna get on my train, you best show some hustle!
--Times Square Subway Station
Overheard by: hustler
Guess I've Really Gotta Work on That Other 30 Percent!
Professor: As you all know, IQ is 80% inherited.
Front row student, blurting: Oh shit, no wonder.
--NYU
So She Managed to Drive Over to His Place Without Incident
Girl #1: So did Michelle* go out with Tom* yet?
Girl #2: She's not Asian.
--Times Square
From Now on We'll Enter Suspended Animation When You Leave the House
Little girl (sad and upset): You guys always go to my favorite restaurants when I'm not there... like Pizzeria Uno.
Mom (annoyed): Just because you're not there doesn't mean we can't do it.
--Mercer & 3rd
Overheard by: Sizzle
Odds Are It'll Take Me Somewhere Liquor Is Served
Drunk hobo boarding train: Hey, is this uptown or downtown?
Girl: It's the...
Drunk hobo: Fuck it! Lets go!
--A Train
Overheard by: Tiffany
Antisemitic Mirror on the Wall/ Who's the Chubbiest Jew of All?
(in line outside a bar)
Scantily clad chick #1: Ugh, I'm such a chubby Jew!
Scantily clad chick #2: No you're not, you're like, so pretty, and you don't even wear makeup. I'm a chubby Jew!
--Rivington b/w Essex & Norfolk
Overheard by: Harrison
It's a Tale As Old As Time
Preppy blonde: And I would be in the alley, all secret... And then out of nowhere people in the street would hear "Fuck yeah--crack!" coming from the alley, and then the police would come, and I would totally be saying goodbye to my chances at Yale.
Tiny brunette friend: Yeah, totally.
--82nd & York
At Least That's What the Guy in the Turban Told Me
(After the recent spate of terrorist attacks the TSA decided to stop allowing liquids past the security gate)
TSA agent: I'm sorry, miss. You can't bring coffee past the security checkpoint.
Lady in a hurry: It's okay, it's tea.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: John M.
The "She's Da Bomb!" Of the 21st Century
Tall Hispanic girl: Yeah, we talk in class a lot, Jen*'s a really nice girl!
Short Hispanic girl: Oh, I know, she has breast cancer!
--Woodhaven Boulevald, Queens
Overheard by: Lizzie
...I'm Still Vibrating
Frat guy #1: You know, I'm trying to remember when I last heard something that obvious.
Frat guy #2: Probably when that tank you picked up told you she owned sex toys.
Frat guy #1: Dude!
--Times Square
Remember-- Teabaggers Can Be Choosers
Slutty teenager: I think I had his balls in my mouth. That's so degrading.
Slutty goth teenager: What the fuck? Even I haven't had his balls in my mouth. And we were like, practically dating.
--F Train
Overheard by: Kelly
Maybe Next Time I Won't Wear My Zombie Mask in the Delivery Room
Hip dad #1: When she came out she elbowed me in the face, and then she climbed back into Clara's protective womb.
Hip dad #2 (laughing): Yeah, that's happened to me too.
--1 Train
Overheard by: esgeness
We'll Have to Cross-Reference the Security Footage
Middle-aged woman, dressed like a pre-teen: I'm not really sure how it happened but I think I ended up drunk and half-naked on the 5th floor of Macy's.
Teenage daughter: Really?
Middle-aged woman: Maybe it was the 6th floor. Shoot, and that was gonna be a good story to tell Jeannie.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Nikki
Possibly the Most Depressing Sentence Ever Uttered
Frat boy #1 (about crowded train): This reminds me of a 311 concert.
Frat boy #2: Every day of my life is a 311 concert.
--1 Train
By "Picture" I Mean "Life-Sized Doll" and By "Wall" I Mean "Bed"
Guy: Hey, this might sound creepy but I have a picture of you on my wall.
Jon Stewart: That is creepy. Do you live in a comedy club?
--Cupcake Cafe, 18th & 26th
But Still Well Above the National Average
Male cashier: "WI"? Which state is "WI"?
Female cashier: West Indies?
Male cashier: Okay. That makes sense.
Female cashier: No, wait, is it Wisconsin? Ha, it's totally Wisconsin.
Male cashier: Who cares, they're both really far away. Isn't Wisconsin on, like, the other side of the world?
Female cashier: No, dummy, Wisconsin is in this country.
Male cashier: Oh. I was never good at geography.
--Met Foods, Prospect Heights
I Can't Promise They're Razorblade-Free, Though
Two-year-old boy: Mommy, I'm hungry.
Young mother: Okay honey, do you want some animal crackers when we get home?
Two-year-old boy: (sighs deeply) Okayyy, are they organic?
Young mother: Oh, of course they are! (hugs him reassuringly).
--Downtown E Train
Overheard by: Miki
Is "First Position" Supposed to Involve a Head in a Crotch?
Young girl: Mom, I don't want to go to ballet!
Mother: Sweetie, you have to. I paid four hundred dollars for one lesson. If you think you're gonna back out of this now...
Young girl: But mom, the teacher touches me!
Mother: Well, damn it, he can touch you as much as he wants for the four fucking hundred dollars I spend every week!
--60th St & 4th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: kristen
Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan Dialogue Is Growing Increasingly Sinister
Guy: See you!
Girl: See you!
Guy: I love you!
Girl: You are killing me.
Guy: I ought to kill you.
Girl: What?!
--34th Street Station, B Line
That's Actually an Excellent Lie
College girl #1: That guy is so awkward.
College girl #2: Yeah, and I think he lies a lot. Like, one time I asked him if he was a virgin or not, and he said: "I'm not sure, because the girl didn't bleed."
College girl #1: Yeah... Wait, what?
--A Train
Overheard by: Lizzie
Is That Why Bird Shit Is White?
Art student to friend: Did you know that our shit would be white if we didn't have bile to mix with it?
Black security guard, raising fist: Black power!
--School of Visual Arts
Overheard by: dobby
The Tank Was Pretty Much Empty at That Point
Girl, after writing essay: You know how she asked us to write what we thought?
Boy: Yeah.
Girl: I put down that I needed to blow my nose.
--NYU
And I Thought I Was So Socially-Conscious When I Stopped Using "Blackie"
Blonde: So I started calling my students "nizzle".
Brunette: "Nizzle" means "nigger".
Blonde: Oh. My. God.
--A Train
The Same Thing Often Happens to Superheroes
Meter maid cop: Excuse me, can you tell me what street this is?
Woman: It's 25th... Aren't you supposed to know?!
Meter maid cop: Yeah, but sometimes we get lost.
--25th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: nina bina
She's Going to Africa to Have the Procedure Done
Girl on cell: Just stay out of the sun and keep your clam shut. Okay, bye.
Friend: Did you just tell her to keep her clam shut?
--Manhattan College
Overheard by: Greg
More Confusion Ensued When the Coca-Cola Was Misplaced
Roommate #1, from kitchen: Hey, have you seen my pot?
Roommate #2: Wait... The one you cook with?
Roommate #1: Yeah.
Roommate #2: Oh! Uh, no.
--Pratt Institute
Headline by: usual suspect
Runners-Up:
· "Awkward Moments Like This Are Why Chamber Pots Went Out Of Fashion" - allison
· "Guess I'm Using the Water Bong to Make Noodles Then..." - Zuel Beast
· "LIES! You Know You Meant BOTH!" - Whee!
· "The Meth Lab Was Never As Well Organized As the Living Room" - batou187
· "Wait, Did It Have Doritos in It?" - Jay Walke
· "Wait, the One You Put the Brownies In, or the One You Put in the Brownies?" - j3rry
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
We Already Did That in Bio Lab
Girl #1: So, you didn't go to the show?
Girl #2: Hell no.
Girl #1: My boyfriend tried to make me go.
Girl #2: Why would I want to go? I've slept with like, everyone there. Like I need to see a close up of all of the STDs I've narrowly avoided?
--Double Down, Houston & A
But More Accurate Than "Lamp-Post"
Drunk girl #1: (points at a green minivan) Cab!
Drunk girl #2: Nope.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: Anna D
I Don't Think Either of You Have Really Seen The Polar Express
10-year-old little brother: And then there was this huge fight on an armored train.
20-something big brother: Wait, are you sure it was a train?
10-year-old little brother: Yeah, it was an armored train that had guns, and bombs, and fireworks.
20-something big brother: Are you sure it wasn't a truck? I saw that movie and it was a truck.
10-year-old little brother: Nope, it was a train.
20-something big brother: You didn't see the movie, did you? You just had someone tell you about it, right?
10-year-old little brother: Yeah...
--1 Train
Overheard by: EthanK
Wednesday One-Linerzzzz....zzzzzz...zzz...zzzzz...
Petulant child: Speed walking is boring! I want to be myself!
--1st Ave & 5th St
Awkward teen boy to friend: It was really boring until I got laid.
--66th & Broadway
Chick on cell: How is pantylessness ever boring?
--113th b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Young art history teacher: So basically, I like to lecture the whole first class and bore the hell out of them. That way, everything I say afterwards is interesting!
--74th & Madison
Overheard by: Erin Partridge
Short girl to lab partner: Sometimes, when I'm bored, I become a tuning fork. (slowly hits herself on the head) Diiiing!
--Chemistry Lab, Stuyvesant High School
"Urban" Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Man, if you wanna get into heaven, you gotta talk to black people. They know where they at. Can't get into heaven if you don't talk to black people.
--Statue of Liberty
Bimbette on cell: So she is like pregnant? Like she is gonna have a baby? Hey, whatever happened to that black family?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Bigg Rigg
NYU grad student: Bill Clinton isn't black to me anymore.
--NYU
Black couple to group of white people: We're black! We're invisible!
--W 4th St
Overheard by: mada
White grandpa to white granddaughter in playground: Black kids have so much fun!
--Union Square Park
Wednesday One-Liners Go Through a Grey Period
Girl looking at garbage and dirt spilled on the sidewalk: Gross. You think it's supposed to be art?
--Broadway & Houston
Literature professor: So anything that anybody ever painted was a Guido?
--NYU Silver Center
Plausibly mad septuagenarian clerk: When I was 16 Stravinsky bought my first painting. It was written up in the paper. A couple of days later, I was kidnapped.
--Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Seth
Father to four-year-old son: Looking at art makes your legs tired.
--Metropolitan Museum Lobby
Philistine: I don't like art in which you have to understand the motivation behind it.
--Outside the Guggenheim
Overheard by: Devoted Puppy
Professor-type man to group of teens looking at Greek sculptures: And if the sculpture's back is up against the wall and you want to see it from behind, just get up against a wall and look at its ass as much as you can... yeah! It's not dirty or wrong... Just look at its ass!
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Wednesday One-Liners Take a Stab at It
Girl on cell: Yeah, so he was kicked out of college. It's kind of a long story. He like, pulled a knife on George Lucas.
--Barnard College
Curly-haired chick: If we go, like, cowboy/Indian, you're supposed to be giving me smallpox blankets and liquor, and I'm supposed to hold a knife to your scalp. Hmmm.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Girl (yelling at other girl): Just because he cuts himself doesn't mean he's emo!
--Brooklyn Tech HS
16-year-old to another: If Dane Cook was here, he would stab you in the chest.
--The Beacon School
Gay man to female friend: I'm gonna cut out your G-spot with a butter knife and stick it to the wall.
--Dojo Resaurant
Tall, muscular, handsome guy on cell: My night turned out pretty crazy... Why? Because this chick drew a knife on me in the restaurant before we even finished the appetizers... And I blame you for that.
--Grand Army Plaza
Overheard by: wishes she would have been there...
"So That's What I Ate for Wednesday One-Liner."
Skinny, attractive 20-something: Yeah, that's totally my plan: Get completely smashed every night, eat tons of eggs, then barf them all up.
--E. 84th b/w 1st & York
Overheard by: Holds her Liquor (and her eggs)
Woman in bus on cell: George? George, you there? Oh okay, I'm on my way to the shrink's office so I can only talk for a little while. Oh no, I'm still not feeling better, I was up all night vomiting like crazy and I'm still ridiculously gassy. Good lord, I should go to a doctor because I also have constant diarrhea. Oh George...
--M66 Bus
Overheard by: Stephanie
Drunk guy: It was incredible. He puked and then he just disappeared. I've never seen anything like it. He was like the Criss Angel of puking.
--Outside Lombardi's
Overheard by: Rich
Girl stumbling back from the bathroom: You guys, we have to leave because I threw up all over the floor and someone saw me.
--Horus
NYU undergrad: So we were going to have an intervention for her, but when we went to her room, she wasn't there. So instead we wrote on her laptop, "I'm a douche, I drink too much and throw up."
--8th & University
The Wednesday One-Liner Is Always Right
Store clerk lady to man leaning on shelf: Sir, you cannot do that... You are gettin' too comfortable in this store.
--Grocery Store
Sales clerk to woman with a pug wearing a sweater and booties: That is so gangsta!
--Soho
Overheard by: Lara
Apathetic server to customer: Do I look like I am happy at all?
--Starbucks, Manhattan Mall
Young female customer service rep to another: I'm not sayin'..., I'm just sayin'..., you know what I'm sayin'.
--Macy's Customer Service
Overheard by: Richard Downey
Daffy's employee to lady trying on shoes: Do they fit? [Before customer can respond.] I don't even know why I'm askin' you. You a customer. I don't even care.
--Daffy's, Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn
Overheard by: Crystal Dickinson
Wednesday One-Liners Are Starting to Show
Aloof teen: So, other than getting robbed and coming back pregnant, how was it?
--27th & 6th
Overheard by: Seamus Diddy
Female cashier, looking over cover of Star magazine: Girl, Angelina is having twins?! I tell you what, that girl needs to get her some birth control pills -and you know why? Because she hot and if I was Brad Pitt I would keep knockin' her up too.
--86th & 1st
Girl on cell: Ugh! I can't believe she's pregnant again! That makes futon baby number two!
--Forever 21, Union Square
Girl checking SMS, to friends: Oh shit...[Reads.] "Happy non mother's day, pass this on to all your girlfriends and women you know who survived another year of not getting pregnant."
--Toys R Us Times Square
Overheard by: Non Father
Guy, chasing after pregnant woman in the fruit section: It's not a boy? I swore you told me it was a boy! Honey! Come back!
--Whole Foods, Bowery
Overheard by: office peon
Wednesday One-Liners Toot Their Own Horns
Guy on cell: Guitars... guitarists, guitarists... drummers, yeah, any musicians... Girls, yeah! Girls!
--Prospect Heights
Suave European guy: I am playing the piano and the flute. At the same time. It's a metaphor.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Librarianish-looking woman: He asked me if I wanted to blow his tuba, and I said, "sure!". It was amazingly harder than I thought it would be. And, he's bringing his organ tomorrow so I can play with it.
--Battery Park Starbucks
30-something woman: My consultant was telling me I should try not to sound elitist. But that's really hard for me. I mean, I have two master's degrees and I play the violin.
--14th St & 1st Ave
Bodybuilder on cell: I'm thinking a harpsichord, a wig, and a whole lotta talcum powder.
--Chinatown Bus
Blonde high school girl: Grinding is as practical as playing the harpsichord was for Jane Austen.
--Upper East Side
If You Love Wednesday So Much, Why Don't You One-Liner It?
Woman talking to cute businessman: Oh I totally love, like, water and all that jazz!
--Newark Flight
DJ to crowd: If ya love ya mama put ya put ya mothafuckin hand up the skyyyyy!
--Hammerstein Ballroom
Crazy man in leather pants: Bitches, I seen it all! Bitches, hoes, I done it all... Y'all, who won the Yankees game last night? I said, who won the Yankees game last night?! Can I get a motherfucking answer? [Pause.] Fuck all y'all, fuck all y'all niggas, black, white, fuck all y'all white niggas [Pause.] Bitches, hoes, Cadillacs! I done it all! Fuck all y'all [Pause.] Peace, love, and respect baby for all. I love all y'all.
--A Train
Overheard by: Sam
Girl on cell: ...but I have to go now -I'm busy lovin'. I said I'm lovin'. I have to go!
--Outside Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
20-something woman: I need more people in my life who love my knees.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: McFreaky
Boy: I'm going to have a business card made. Some finance company. Girls love that stuff.
--6 Train
Overheard by: oya
Wednesday One-Liners Adjust Their Tiaras
JAP, reflecting: I think I might be a drug dealer.
--Spot's Café
JAP: Yeah! I went to Israel this summer! And they all looked at me like I was an idiot! They don't have Uggs there... They don't have burgers... They don't have loosies!
--Hunter College
Jappy teen: I've never done anything for society and I've done just fine.
--University & 12th
JAP: Bitch, "Jewish" is a religion!
--17th & 6th
NYU JAP: I told my dad that I couldn't go to the scholarship fair because I had to get my nails done, and I think we're still in a fight!
--Goddard Hall, NYU Dorm
Overheard by: Maya G.
Jappy girl to friend: [Sighs.] I'm losing faith in humanity, one orgasm at a time.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Ponine
Wednesday One-Liners Idolized Wednesday Addams Growing Up
Creepy-looking, middle aged goth guy, yelling: He dances with the denizens of the underworld! [Turns to his female companion.] What was his webpage again?
--7th b/w 1st & 2nd
Goth chick: Yea, my mom cried while my dad chased me around with sandpaper.
--Pratt Campus
Overheard by: Late-Night Passerby
Goth girl to friend: I can't wait until you're addicted to sex.
--Queens
Goth girl talking loudly to goth friend: It just sucks that everyone is such a toolbag. Like everyone. That guy right there. Toolbag. You. Toolbag. Everyone is just a toolbag. Like seven out of ten people are just tools.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
Annoyed goth chick to friend: ...so it looks like I'm going to be whipping some yuppies in a dungeon again.
--Bedford Ave & 3rd
Overheard by: yuppie45
Wednesday One-Liners, Fresh from the Oven
Girl on cell: You ate breakfast? You animal!
--2 Train Platform, Wall Street
Overheard by: Gin in Tonic
Angry guy on cell: She's a chef! Of course she makes bad decisions... like deciding to be a chef!
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Withnail
Buddy Holly glasses guy: Oh, I want food so much more than I want women right now.
--First Saturday, Brooklyn Museum
Suit: I'm going to order some mashed potatoes, with a side order of pussy.
--In front of Macy's, Herald Square
Overheard by: sometimesdee
Middle-aged jewish lady to other: So she asks me if she can come over for supper and I said I don't know how to work the stove!
--Avenue J & E 12th Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert
Surprised teen: She fondled my pancakes. She's a pancake fondler!
--34th St
Overheard by: Chloe
I Know We Work on the First Floor, But It Would Be So Embarassing for Her
Lady suit: I mean, if she got hit by a bus or something and he was grieving and I brought over a casserole, he would totally fall in love with me.
Suit #1: It would have to be a damn good casserole.
Lady suit: I make a damn good casserole--have you never had my casserole?
Suit #2: Maybe we should invite her over to the office and have a party on the balcony, and then we can all bump into her at the same time and push her off.
--Lincoln Plaza Cinemas
Overheard by: indie movie girl
It's a Sad State of Affairs When "Lights On" Is Freaky
Dude #1: Yo son, that girl last week, Anna, she is all kinds of freaky.
Dude #2: Weird, that's what I heard.
Dude #1: Yeah man, she wanted me to do her from behind with the lights on and shit.
Dude #2: Nigga, that shit ain't freaky.
Dude #1: Yo, with the lights on and a dildo in her mouth.
Dude #2: Wait... Which Anna you talking 'bout, my cousin?
--A Train
Overheard by: nuttybella
It's Negotiable Who Cleans Up Afterwards
Woman #1: I don't get it. I mean, if you can fuck, you can cook.
Woman #2: Totally.
--SoHo
Overheard by: nooners
So Are We Having Lunch at McDonald's?
Girl #1: Yeah, so she was telling me all about the cleanser, right? And she said it was professional clown approved. What's up with that? Who buys stuff because it's been approved by some dumb clown?
Girl #2: I don't know about buying anything clown approved, but for damn sure I'm not going to buy something that's not professional clown approved.
--Sephora, 5th Ave
Overheard by: VA
Do You Think He'd Be Interested in Writing a Song About It?
NYU boy: Hey, Adam Duritz from Counting Crows is outside Hayden on his cell phone!
NYU girl: Uh, well.. I almost got killed by a fucking snow globe!
--Washington Square West
I'll Have My Secretary Do It
30-something guy to group: So yeah, I mean my ex-wife found out I bought a new car, a Benz, and that my new girlfriend was driving around in it. So she got all pissy and told me to buy her a car. So I bought her the shittiest Toyota I could find at the used car lot. No joke, this thing is a death trap. I hope she burns alive in it.
Friend: Um, don't you have kids?
30-something guy: Yeah, so?
Friend: Doesn't your ex-wife drive the kids?
30-something guy: Oh fuck me, now I have to tell her that I tried to kill her.
--Metro North Train
Overheard by: Just Trying to Sleep...
Those Handjobs Were Just Volunteer Work
Middle-aged guidette: He's gay, he's gay, he's gay!
Uptight white woman: My husband isn't gay. Loving Jesus doesn't make you gay.
--Port Authority
Can We Back Up to the Chicks Wrestling?
Girl #1: You're a doctor?
Girl #2: Yeah--you didn't know that?
Girl #1: Well, I only know you on a wrestling level.
Girl #3: Wow, that is *so* New York.
--Rooftop party, Bedford St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Gnomies
And Please, No Orientalism on the Way
Hot Asian chick to boyfriend, about former boyfriend: He actually told me he liked fucking me because of my "almond eyes."
Boyfriend: Where do you find these guys?
Hot Asian chick: I know, right?
Boyfriend: I like fucking you because you come at least once a minute.
Hot Asian chick: Take me home now!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: ...can i borrow her
Maybe They're in an Open Marriage (We're Just Putting That Out There...)
Young woman #1: Oh, so that guy I slept with the other week? He's my friend on Facebook now. Did you see him?
Young woman #2: Is he the bald guy?
Young woman #1: No, he has dark hair. His profile picture is him kissing his wife at their wedding.
Young woman #2: He's married?
Young woman #1: Yeah, I guess so.
--Starbucks, 19th & 8th
Overheard by: My husband is not on Facebook.
We'll Keep Romance Alive Until Straight People Want It Again
Girl: What kind of movie do you suggest?
Gay employee: Oh, a romantic comedy.
Girl: That's gay.
Gay employee: I know!
--Lowes on Broadway
Overheard by: B
...While We're Still Miked
Queer #1: But what if we got all the men in the school to jack off? Do you think it could fill the pool?
Queer #2: I don't think so.
Queer #1: Really? We're talkin every guy at school.
Queer #2: Well... maybe a kiddie pool. And even then it would probably only be a thin film.
Queer #1: What if they saved up their cum in jars for a week, and then dumped it in?
Queer #2: I can't believe we're having this conversation.
--Public Theater
Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy
You'd Be Fired for That Anywhere Else in the US
Woman: I'd like a latte with percent milk.
Barista: Percent? You mean "two percent"?
Woman: No, just regular percent milk.
Barista: (...)
Woman, condescendingly: There's whole milk, and there's skim milk, and then in-between, there's percent milk. Got it?
Barista: You're gettin two percent. I hope that works for you.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Carol
They're Not Made with Real Girl Scouts
Homeless man to group of people: Excuse me, do you have any spare change?
Humanitarian: No, but here are some cookies.
Homeless man: I'm a vegetarian.
--W 57th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Chris
I'll Follow the Thunder of Her Thighs
Mid 40s black man: Well, how will you know where to find her?
Quasi-homeless black man: She got big drawers?
Mid 40s black man: Well, yeah.
Quasi-homeless black man: She got big drawers, I'll find her!
--123rd & Adam Clayton Powell
Overheard by: he's asked to see my drawers before
Oh, These Guys Would Respect You Like Crazy
Asian yuppie: I'm so tired of his bullshit. I'm done. Like seriously. Who the fuck tells his ex: "Hey, I'm going to ask this chick out, you think it's a good idea?" That bastard!
White yuppie: Wow, no respect at all.
Asian yuppie: I know.
White yuppie: We should go out for drinks, I know a lot of guy friends who would do anything to have sex with you.
Asian yuppie: I don't need to get laid...
White yuppie: Blasphemy!
Asian yuppie: Ok. You're right, maybe I do need to get laid.
--Grand Central Station
Judging from Her Internet Viewing Habits
Girl toddler (pointing at shop window): Mommy! Mommy!
Nanny (looking at busty, naked, corset-clad mannequin in sex shop window): That's not your mommy. But she wishes it were.
--Christopher Street, West Village
I Still Don't Get What's So Wrong with Washing Whites with Colors
Dude #1: It'd be like you saying: "I'm gonna root for the Raiders, instead of the Chargers."
Dude #2: It'd be like you saying: "I'm gonna suck cock!"
--11th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
It's a Great Party Trick
Girl: Oh! Did I tell you? Karen* had an orgasm from anal!
Queer: You guys can can do that too?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Sean, not queer but not straight
The Sequel to Clue Left a Lot to Be Desired
Hipster girl: Oh, by the way: why did your place smell like piss?
Hipster guy: Matt* got drunk and pissed everywhere last night.
Hipster girl: And when you say Matt* you mean you?
Hipster guy: Yeah, I might.
--Lorimer St
Ever Since That Infamous Physics Test
Student #1: You coming to the Sigma Nu party tonight?
Student #2: Nah.
Student #1: Why not?
Student #2: I'm not a big fan of the letter Nu.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Lo
Good Thing Grandma's in a Coma or She'd Never Get a Boyfriend!
Girl #1: I just wanted to scream at her to put on a goddamn bra and shave her fucking armpits!
Girl #2: Oh my god, I know. I mean, it's not like she has much there... But it's something and you gotta cover those puppies up.
--Greenwich Village
Headline by: RaRa
Runners-Up:
· "And the Way She Was Holding Baby Jesus--ROTFL" - ddv
· "I Mean, You'd Think She'd WANT to Look Good at Her Own Communion!" - RaRa
· "Joan and Melissa Rivers' Commentary at the Bronx Zoo" - allison
· "Or Carry Them in a Bag Like a Celebrity" - Andrew
· "Where Have All the Paula Cole's Gone?" - chubba
· "Yeah, But Jagged Little Pill Was Such a Great Album" - blistexaddict
· "You'd Think by the Age Of 8, She'd Get That!" - MalG
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Uncle Walter's Got Some Splainin' to Do
Spastic little brother: NAMBLA?
Patient older brother: No.
Spastic little brother: NAMBLA.
Patient older brother: Stop it.
Spastic little brother: NAMBLA!
--22nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Flynn
Whereas "Friction" Is Steamy Molecular Sex
Male physics teacher (with accent): Does anybody know what induction is?
Female student: I know!
Male physics teacher (with accent): What is it?
Female student: No touchy-touchy!
Male physics teacher (with accent): Exactly!
--Stuyvesant High School
Not Knowing CSI Has No Secret Agents
Kid #1, sharing iPod with kid #2: Hey, it's the CSI song!
Kid #2: (laughs) Yeah.
Kid #1: It's like we're secret agents!
Kid #2: (laughs) No.
Kid #1: Yeah! It is.
Kid #2: No... It's like, we're stoners on the subway listening to The Who.
--F Train
HIs Whole Body's a Treasure-Trail!
Hipster girl #1: I usually don't mind, but this guy was like... I mean, basically you couldn't tell if his shirt was on or off, he was that hairy!
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, I used to date a guy like that. You know those hair removal ads for men with the before and after pictures, where they basically take like the hairiest man that ever walked the earth? That was him. Chest, back, shoulders, ass... Covered.
Bear guy: Aw, come on. That's just plain hot!
--Pink Pony, LES
Ever Played "Adult" Double Dare?
Drunk girl: That sucks that Souljah Boy is getting sued. His song is really good.
Drunk guy: Are you serious? Do you know what "Superman" means?
Drunk girl: Yeah, it means you ejaculate on someone's back and stick the bed sheet to it. Like a Superman cape.
Drunk guy: Ok, but do you know what "Spiderman" means?
Drunk girl: No.
Drunk guy: It means you cum in your hand and throw it at the chick in a big blob!
Drunk girl: Ewww, like Nickelodeon Gak!
--House Party, Bronx
Overheard by: Sromeo
...Without Throwing Up
Queer #1: I am sorry, I did not mean it.
Queer #2 (angrily): What do you mean you didn't mean it? You told me that you loved me. You can't just take that back!
Queer #1: Sorry.
Queer #2: What do you mean you're sorry!?
(pause for a block)
Queer #1: Thanks for the help. Now I feel ready to tell Brian.
--Univeristy Place &14th St
Yeah, He's Still Allergic to Me
Guy: How were things with your ex last night?
Girl: You know... He threw up and started crying, so I gave him a hug. He got an erection, threw up two more times and passed out.
Guy: So, same old same old.
--E 51st, b/w 1st & 2nd
And by That I Mean 'Pathetically Degraded'
Guy #1: Yeah man, she only had a twin-size bed, so I had to sleep on the floor next to her.
Guy #2: Dude, that fucking sucks.
Guy #1: Nah, it's cool. I was so drunk I peed my pants, right there under the bed.
Guy #2: Fierce.
--53rd & Lexington
Force Overcomes It, Motherfucker!
Angry passenger to shoe stepper : Dude, watch my shoes!
Shoe stepper: It's inertia, bitch!
--2 Train
Well, Judging from the Barrel of Liquor Around Your Neck...
Girl #1: And then he said that when he sees people, he likes to picture what kind of dog they'd be. Apparently I'm a Golden Retriever, and he's a German Shepherd, and those breeds just don't mix.
Gril #2: That is fucking messed up.
Girl #1: I know! He is so delusional! And he would so not be a German Shepherd.
Girl #2: No. (long pause) I wonder what type I'd be.
--Starbucks, 103rd & Broadway
So It's About to Rain?
(first nice Saturday of the year)
Thug #1 (using branch as hiking stick): Man, this weather is beautiful. This is like, weather that I dream about.
Thug #2: Yeah, but now my balls is itchin.
--Central Park
Because That's What You Said About the IRS Building
Six-year-old boy: Damn, I always wanted to go in there.
Mom: No, you didn't.
--Outside M&M Store, TImes Square
Overheard by: Lynne
Anyone Else Feel Like There Should Be a Bottle in the Middle?
Girl #1 to friends on subway: I love sitting like this, we can all see each other... It's like...
Girl #2, almost in unison with girl #3: It's like we're in a circle, yeah!
Girl #3: And you're like, like, the point!
--5 Train
Judas's Mama, Not So Much
Overhead announcement: At this performance, the role of Simon will be played by Jason R. Cook.
Southern tourist: Jason's mama is prrroud tonight!
--Broadway Theatre
Also Her Position on Immigration Reform
(in front of the steps of The Metropolitan Museum of Art)
Tourist: Excuse me, do you know where The Met is?
Pissed off local woman: Walk seven blocks that way, take a left and walk four blocks.
(tourist walks away)
Pissed off local woman to friend: The next time someone asks me that, I'm giving them directions to the Bronx.
--82nd & 5th
Overheard by: olivia
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