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Guess She Got Bored of the Ping-Pong Balls?
Drunk girl: So, have you heard from her?
Drunk guy: No, she's too busy popping out fetuses. She pops out a fetus like every week!
--57th & 9th
Overheard by: Cori
Damn the Fire Swamp and Its Quicksand!
Animated queer: I knew Rachel was going to fall into the trap! I just knew it. I said to myself: "She's going to fall into the trap!" and then she showed up, and I told her, "Rachel. Girl, don't fall into the trap!" and what did she do?
Female companion: She fell into the trap!
--Church St & Vesey
Overheard by: Manhattman
Madonna Did Not Heed the Old Hobo's Advice
Hobo: Hello.
Girl: Um... Hello.
Hobo: (gives girl some coins and smiles) You look like a nice girl. Don't become a whore.
Girl: Um... Thanks, I guess.
--6 Train
Overheard by: April
Why It's Best Just to Play Video Games with Your Kids
Child #1: Daddy! You'll fall backwards!
Dad: What?
Child #1: You'll fall backwards!
Dad: No, I won't.
Child #2: Or we'll push you!
--Belvedere Castle
Even General Powell?
Big black guy #1: Yo, does anybody know where we get off to go uptown?
White passenger: The next stop.
Big back guy #1: Yo, everyone shut up and listen to the white nigga! He's givin' us directions!
Big black guy #2: Ain't no such thing as a white nigga, fool!
--F Train
A Gift That Keeps on Giving
13-year-old girl: Oh my god, you and Isabel have a new inside joke?
Friend: Oh my god, you check my Facebook wall like everyday, don't you?
13-year-old girl: Yeah, I do. Didn't you see that I sent you a new bumper sticker? It says "I respect your sluttiness."
--Darkened Bathroom, Bat Mitzvah Party
I'll Believe in Him When I See Him on YouTube
Puppeteer: Do you know who Benjamin Franklin is?
Little boy: There's no such thing as Benjamin Franklin!
--McDonald's, 9th Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ian
They Come in Black, Right?
Metrosexual guy: Oh, there were babies everywhere in there.
JAP #1: I know, babies are so trendy!
JAP #2: I have to get one.
--Outside Anthropology, 5th Ave
Overheard by: population control
Really? Because It Looks Nice
Girl #1: Ooh look, a new Whole Foods!
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: It looks nice. Have you been inside?
Girl #2: Yep, I've been inside.
Girl #1: How was it?
Girl #2: It was nice.
--E Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: Ryan St.Clair
Because of the Fucking Line at Starbucks?
Man #1: Did I tell you how fucking pissed off I was last night?
Man #2: No.
Man #1: I was fucking pissed off last night. Really bad.
--43rd St b/w Lexington & 3rd
No-Legged Hobos: "We Feel Sorry for Staten Islanders"
Girl #1: No one likes him... I feel bad for him.
Girl #2: I feel bad for the homeless people in the city who have no legs.
--Staten Island Mall
Especially One Who Owns Penn Station
Old Chinese lady: No luggage allowed. Leave it outside. This is my building! I own it!
(College kid, obviously from out of town, leaves in fear)
Old Chinese lady: Puta!
(college kid scurries away)
College kid on cell: Yeah, I did what they say on Law & Order. Never make eye contact with a New Yorker.
--Penn Station Entrance
Overheard by: kash
Avenue of the Americas Is Where Julia Roberts Shopped in Pretty Woman
Tourist wife (looking at map): Avenue of the Americas... That's the one with all the stars and the handprints in the cement, right?
Tourist husband (with a tone of superiority): No, that's Broadway.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Caroline
It's a Possibility That Increases By the Second, Ma'am
Souvenir photographer: Please step down, ma'am. We are taking photos of everyone before we board.
Passenger: Is this in case I die?
--Pier 83
...And Resulted in the Freeing of the Slaves
Frat guy #1: So how do you think you did on your history exam?
Sorostitute: I don't want to talk about it.
Frat guy #1: Oh come on, it can't be that bad.
Frat guy #2: She thought World War II happened in the 1970s.
--NYU
Overheard by: Seriously.
You Also Said That About the Hotel Concierge and Our Cabbie
Old woman: Take a picture of me with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their son.
Young woman: Mom, the black kid isn't a wax figure.
Old woman: Well, she just keeps adopting them, I thought it was her son!
--Madame Tussaud's
Overheard by: Julie
Or Check Out My Ad on That Bench
Random woman: I'm a well known prostitute here in New York.
Random man: Oh really? You're well-known around here?! Says who?!
Random woman: Ask anyone!
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Paula
Or She's Participating in Some Sort Of Emotional Scavenger Hunt
Middle-aged girl #1: Yes, she was sincerely apologetic for the things that she'd done, and she really took responsibility for them.
Middle-aged girl #2: She must have a new therapist.
(both nod sagely)
--1 Train
Overheard by: Suze V
Referencing Obscure Things Is What We Do, Babe
Hipster girl: You know, I'll find out if you're lying. Then I'll kill you.
Hipster guy: Yeah, I'm sure you could, Magnum P.I.
Hipster girl: (blank stare)
Hipster guy: You know? Private investigator? In Hawaii? It was a TV show in the 80s? Tom Selleck?
Hipster girl: If you're just going to keep referencing obscure things this conversation isn't going to go anywhere.
--F Frain
But Time Warner Owns the Rights to Him
Asian girl #1: Yeah, did you know that Hallmark just like, made up Valentine's Day? Seriously, there really was no Saint Mark... I mean, Saint Nicholas.
Asian girl #2: Umm, Saint Nicholas was Christmas.
Asian girl #1: Well, whatever his name was. He's really Hallmark.
--NYU
Overheard by: erin
Meta-Arguing Doesn't Count
Woman #1: No! I'm not going to tell you. You'll just want to argue about it.
Woman #2: What?! I won't argue, just tell me!
Woman #1: Definitely not telling you!
Woman #2: Why not?!
Woman #1: You always want to argue!
Woman #2: I won't argue!
(woman #1 laughs out loud)
--10th St & Ave B
Overheard by: ears wide open
Just When You Thought the Post Office Line Couldn't Be More Intolerable...
Elderly man: Looking at you brings a song to my head.
Elderly woman: Is it a song from Carousel?
Elderly man: Yes. (pause) I'm a good singer, I'll sing it for you. (starts to sing).
--Post Office, Lexington & 3rd Ave
But I Thought He Was Onto Something When He Blamed the Muppets for 9/11
Homeless guy: Fuck Gary Cicbdman!
Dude #1: Did he just say Gary Oldman or Gary Coleman?
Dude #2: Does it matter? Either way he's fucking nuts.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: brad
A Sociopolitical Justification for Post-Modern Man's Thirst for Pee?
American grad student: Should I be in a fetish video?
French grad student: What would be the point?
American grad student: What do you mean? It's a fetish video.
French grad student: But what would be the point? What's the thesis?
--Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: The Evil Triangle
You Have Chosen Wisely
Lady: Do you sell falafel?
Vendor: Ah! Falafel is gyro, gyro is falafel!
Lady: Falafel is chick peas. Gyro is meat.
Vendor: Falafel is bullshit!
Lady: I'll have a gyro.
--Canal & Greene
Overheard by: Melina the Sad Falafel
And If You Could Hand Over Your Wallet and Jewelry, That Would Be Awesome
Woman, after knocking over and resetting a large display: Hey, was it set up like this before?
Man behind cash register, counting cash: Oh, I don't know, I don't even work here.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: pete
But You Were Throwing Confetti While You Said It
Ditzy college girl: Yeah, but I'm like a fun drunk, right?
Guy (serious): Ummm... Well, you were kind of saying that life has no meaning and that it's not worth living.
Ditzy college girl: What?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Gaby
Have You Forgotten Fran Drescher?
Chinese coworker: Hey, you're wearing makeup today!
Jewish coworker: Yeah, I had a little extra time this morning.
Chinese coworker: But I thought Jewish people couldn't wear makeup?
Jewish coworker: Huh!?
--Office Building, 26th & 11th
Um, Plate Tectonics?
Large black woman with large black turban: I am a full blooded Navajo Indian, I have the right to be here on this sidewalk!
Cop she's arguing with: Well, wait a minute. You just said you were going home to Ethiopia. How the hell can you be a Navajo?
--6th Ave b/w 3rd & 4th
Overheard by: Ben Goldman
I'd Be Home Recuperating Right Now If It Weren't Vitally Important That I Shop
Wannabe socialite #1: God, I hate everyone in this part of town.
Wannabe socialite #2: I know, right? I mean... they walk so slowly, and talk so much nonsense.
(pause)
Wannabe socialite #1: The coke hangover can't help though, can it?
Wanna be socialite #2: Definitely not.
--Broadway & Spring
I'm Sure a Hobo Has One Out Somewhere in the Store
Five-year-old boy to mother: It smells like penis in here!
Embarrassed mother: "Peanuts". Honey, you mean "peanuts".
Five-year-old boy: No. Penis! (points to his crotch)
--Duane Reade in Penn Station
Overheard by: Dawn D.
Stephen Hawking Gets a Bum Rap
Dumb hipster girl #1: That genius is so hot.
Dumb hipster girl #2: He gets more ass than a toilet seat. He has a lot of STDs. I read about him on williamsboard. There is like a 200 response thread about him and his STDs.
Dumb hipster girl #1: Well so do I.
Dumb hipster girl #2: What?
--Apple Store, 59th & 5th
Though It Was Kinda Awkward with Everyone at the Coffeeshop Staring at Us
Girl #1: Who were you on a date with last night?
Girl #2: My ex-boyfriend.
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Yeah, we call it a date when we hang out so none of our friends will bother us or lecture us. Everyone always assumes we're just having sex.
Girl #1: Wait, so didn't you have sex?
Girl #2: Well, yeah, but we didn't want to be bothered!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: i will not bother you
Oh Maybe God!
Hipster chick #1: You know the girl I was telling you about, who didn't even know what "agnostic" means?
Hipster chick #2: Yeah. That stupid bitch!
--30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: reverie
Headline by: Coyoty
Runners-Up:
· "Blessed Are the Stupid Bitches, for They Shall Infuriate the Self-Righteous" - Cyrious Garnetski
· "I Believe That We Can Never Know If She Is a Stupid Bitch or Not." - Hysterical Woman
· "I Hope She Burns In... Nothingness" - Meg
· "To Be Precise, She Said There Was No Way to Know What Agnostic Means" - Barry P.
· "Why Nuns Have Few Friends" - seven5suited
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And It Makes You Look Cool
Woman: So, how is your relationship?
Man: Well, my relationship is kind of like cigarettes for you. It's not so good for you but you kind of need something to put in your mouth.
--Caravan of Dreams, 6th St b/w 1st Ave & Ave A
Overheard by: Stoop
The Only Circumstance Under Which White Men Jump
Crowd watching Indiana Jones trailer: Yeah! Woo hoo!
Young black guy (legitimately surprised): Damn! That whip drives the white folks crazy!
--Court Street Multiplex, Brooklyn
Overheard by: iiams
Further Inquiry Will Not Enhance Your Dining Experience
Corpulent tourist: What kind of hot dogs do you have?
Annoyed vendor: Hot dogs!
--Times Square
Overheard by: kat
Wednesday One-Liners Are in It for the 72 Virgins
Hobo: The best way to fight terrorism is not with guns and bombs, but with beer and porno. Beer and porno!
--34th & 3rd
Man walking a black terrier to woman walking a brown terrier: Do you think the word "terrorist" came from the word "terrier"?
--22nd & 2nd
Grand Central loudspeaker: Will Tommy the Terrorist please report to the information desk... Tommy the Terrorist please report to the information desk.
--Grand Central Food Court
Overheard by: Reilly
Black guy: How the fuck can you curse a stadium? With a shirt? How the fuck do you do that? Tell me how that's done! Y'all warlocks and shit? Ain't no one can curse no one else. Cause none of you are warlocks! And if you were a fucking warlock why you cursing the fucking Yankees? Fuck, why don't we curse Bin Laden? Send him a shirt?
--Downtown E Train
Overheard by: Withnail
Mom to child: You'll either become a terrorist or a smelly homeless person! (child lowers his head in shame)
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Passerby
Hobo: Bush is a terrorist. Him and his father blew up WTC. (looks at Asian man) Jackie Chan is my friend. When you go to Hong Kong, tell him I said hi.
--7 Train
Those Who Can't Do, Wednesday One-Liner
English teacher: Alright class, let us come together and share our lists of literary terms. (pause) Just so we're clear, "Lolcat" is not a literary term.
--Stuyvesant High School
Math teacher: Does everyone get why I can just get rid of the 8 in this equation? Because I'm just looking for an answer. (takes a deep sigh) ...Aren't we all?
--Hunter College High School
Math teacher: We might start this unit tomorrow--maybe not. Depends on how my jury duty goes. I just need to keep convincing them that I have no faith in the criminal justice system.
--Hunter College High School
Teacher: No excuses, we do not climb the walls!
--PS 234
Overheard by: sjhaughty
English teacher: It was the year after they invented college and I was in college...
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
English teacher: I love going to the supermarket because I love scaring little kids. I'll be like: "Hellooo little boy," and he'll run away screaming. Ah, I love shopping.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Wednesday One-Liners Are Dimmer Than a Flintstones Night Light
Gay guy to friend: I may be gay but I'm not stupid.
--The Flame Diner, 58th St & 9th Ave
Woman to man: But they were only stopping the dumbasses... That's why they stopped your dumb ass.
--W 66th St & Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
(Blonde is having trouble hailing cab during rush hour)
Gypsy cab driver in town car: No one will take you cuz you're stupid!
--116th & Broadway
20-something guy to girl: It's eleven and it will take you till one to get home, then I'll call you and tell you how stupid you are.
--4th St Subway Station
Overheard by: Glad I'm not dating him
Girl: Alexis, we've been over this. You're stupid.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Crosby
Bimbette, yelling into cell: Yo! Look who you're talking to--I'm not exactly the smartest person in the world!
--Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: dumb as a rock
Wednesday Still Remember When You Could One-Liner in Bars
Young hipster guy to hobo: I hate to ask, but do you mind if I bum a cigarette from you?
--Prince St
Overheard by: Kristen W.
Flight attendant on PA: We'd like to remind you that this is a non-smoking service to London, but passengers are permitted to smoke outside the cabin at any point during the flight.
--British Airways Flight to Heathrow
Crazy man: Smoking leads directly to prostitution!
--66th & Broadway
Overheard by: voluptuousgrl
Dude: I've been smoking since I came out of my mom's cooch.
--Hop Scotch Cafe
Woman with raspy voice: Man, cigarettes are so expensive now. When I started smoking, it was only a $1.25 a pack. Unless I bought them off my mom, she only charged 75 cents a pack.
--4 Train, Union Square
Overheard by: Christine
Mom to seven-year-old son: Come on, let's go out for a cigarette. (looks around nervously at other audience members) Well, not that you smoke.
--Intermission, Rent
Wednesday One-Liners Will Bust a Cap in Your Ass
Shy sounding suit: You know how you get your fingerprints off the gun? You pee on it, the prints wipe right off. Most people don't know that.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Two Fingaz
Dude: You're starting to sound like that guy with the gun on your dad's video.
--Inwood
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Latina teenager to friend: I don't know why we can't be having duels anymore. Enough fighting! Just be, like: "Let's have a duel!" and then go out and shoot each other!
--Rush Hour, L Train
Man on cell (waving his hand around in the shape of a gun): I've got a gun in my hand! Oh crap, I mean not a real one. I shouldn't have said that out loud.
--32nd & 6th
Overheard by: sromeo
Self-important white girl: So then my friends started talking about the shooting up here, and I was like: "Screw you all, you didn't even call up to find out if I was dead."
--126th & Lenox
Preaching hobo: This year they raise your rent. And the year after. Soon you have to shoot them. You know this.
--34th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Rent Controlled
Man: I understand remembering things differently. I just don't understand how one could confuse being shot at with not being shot at.
--6th Ave & 3rd St, Park Slope
Wednesday One-Liners Happen
Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself!
--50th b/w 8th & 9th
Hip dude: I was like: "Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit."
--W 4th
Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit?
--Apple Store, 5th Ave
Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I'll shit when I gotta shit, and that's the way this is gonna go!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They're free because their employees get paid shit!
--53rd & 7th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Do the Vatican Rag
Suit on cell: No, I'm not coming in today...I'm on the Upper East Side. There's all this traffic from the Pope's "Don't sodomize the kids" world tour.
--83rd & Lex
Guy at bar: Most Popes hate Jews.
--6th and D
Gamer kid: Yeah, I was in DC this weekend with the Pope... Yeah, I saw that muthafucka.
--218th & Park Terrace West
Overheard by: Kelley
Old lady, about young girl: Oh, she looks nice. She's wearing Pope shoes.
--Carmine St
Overheard by: arctinus
Wednesday One-Liners (Sing Along If You Know the Words)
Crazy hobo (to the tune of Elvis' Hound dog): Ain't nothing but a hound dog! (mutters next two lines) And you never fuck a rabbit in the ass, cause that's just a waste of time!
--E 4th St & 2nd Ave
Man, to the tune of Hit Me Baby One More Time: I need to pee out of my urethra.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Noelle
Guy in back of the bus wearing headphones and singing: (almost inaudible) I wanna die...I just wanna die.
(everyone stares at him)
Guy: (almost inaudible) I wanna die... I wanna dieeeeeeee.
--Bx 9 Bus, Fordham Plaza
Overheard by: Krisztina, sitting right in front of him
Homeless guy singing while shaking paper cup full of change: Oh me, oh my... There goes perfection. Oh me, oh my... Here comes an erection.
--13th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: rolf
Young Hispanic man singing to Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven: And there's a wino down the road!
--E train
Overheard by: In_the_Shadows
Crazy hobo signing to two passing women: Vaaaggiiinnnaaa... Vaaagggiiiinnaaaa. (stretches out his neck towards them and emphasizes) Vaaaaggggiiiiinnnaaaaaa!
--Near NYU
Overheard by: Joe
Some Potty Humor, Courtesy of Wednesday One-Liners
Lady suit: Do you think anyone would notice if I just popped a squat and urinated everywhere?
--Port Authority
12-year-old girl: And then... He, like... peed in my mouth. It was kinda gross.
--Eddie's Sweet Shop
Overheard by: Yorick
Man peeing on the street: Watch the stream, watch the stream!
--W 4th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Maya G.
Black guy to coworker: What about that golden shower I had the other night?
--NYU Weinstein Dining Hall
Middle-aged convention female attendee: I didn't know that urinals flushed. Did you know urinals flushed? Who would have thought?
--Javits Convention Center
Overheard by: Hector
Drunk man to embarrassed friend: Did I tell you about the time I peed on a bum? For real, I did! I was just taking a leak and looked down like: "Oh shit, is that a person?" He looked up on me and said: "Hey, you just peed on me!" And I did! I peed on him! Then I put myself in his shoes like: "What if someone peed on me?" I'd be pissed! That's some fucked up shit, man. So I gave him ten bucks.
--A Train
Wednesdays and the One-Liners Who Hate Them
Girl to friend: That's because my heart is filled with hate and yours is filled with kittens.
--Something Else, Park Slope
Overheard by: jayloo
White guy: Well, if Kate* was my soulmate I wouldn't hate having sex with her so much.
--W 57th & 11th
Well-dressed man to self, after making meowing noises: I hate my ex, I hate that fucking bitch! I'm going to stick a tennis ball in her muffler!
--Bleecker & Broadway
Teen girl to friends: And she, like, gave me an 88%. I can't fucking believe her! I can't even hate her, right? If she'd just failed me like usual, I could hate her. But she gave me a freaking 88%.
--Astoria-Bound N Train
Overheard by: Ben
Sad 30-something: My boyfriend's mother hates me. She hates me because I'm out of work ... And I shoot up in her house.
--7th Ave & 9th street, Park Slope
Drunk angry girl on cell: Answer the damn phone, you bastard! Answer the phone! I hate you! I love you! Call me.
--Port Washington Train
Life Is Like a Box of Wednesday One-Liners...
Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don't even wanna live in it!
--F Train
Overheard by: LC
Conductor, over intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is overbooked. That's just the way things are. Life is unfair.
--Amtrak Train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have never tired of hearing the word "vagina". That time has passed.
--Staten Island Supreme Court
Conductor: Watch your step as you exit the train, and if you're late, just remember that life is a lot like being on this train: we may not be there yet, but we're getting there.
--2 Train
Overheard by: can this conductor drive my train every day please?
It's Not You, It's Wednesday One-Liners
Guy to friends: They broke up... He was only in the relationship for the free Nike gear anyway.
--Stone St.
Overheard by: Jen
Hipster dude: So Jane* is coming to the studio tonight to do some recording. Should I have her do it and then break up with her, or break up with her first and then have her do it?
--F Train
Overheard by: dianora
13-year-old girl on cell: What? You broke up with him? That's so cruel! Um, can I date him?
--Thompson Street, The Village
Excited teen girl: This would be a great place to break up with some people!
--8th St Park
Girl on cell: They broke up? I always thought that them breaking up was like a joke, like saying you don't like Brussels sprouts when you secretly do, but you just say it because it's the first yucky vegetable that comes to your mind. But hey, that's great!
--Outside the Frick Museum
Overheard by: A. Pincus
Guy, yelling from third story fire escape: Sarah! Sarah Whitlock! Don't leave me! She meant nothing to me! Come back... Please! (pause) Okay, but I'm keeping the deposit!
--E 4th Street
Overheard by: Nima Shirazi
Why Bill Cosby Stopped Wearing Those Sweaters
Girl in geometrical dress: Whoa!
Girl in solid print dress: What?!
Girl in geometrical dress: I just looked down at my dress and got so dizzy!
--Park Ave & 40th St
Good--Then You've Passed the Test
Super-drunk girl to girlfriend: Let's make out!
Not-so-drunk girl: (awkward laughter)
Super-drunk girl: (loud drunken laughter) Wanna make out?
Not-so-drunk girl: Not at all!
--1st Ave b/w 7th & 8th
Why Puppies Need Social Workers
Sassy black lady to a dog on a leash connected to a man lounging in a chair: Oh you're just precious! You are a good looking puppy! She's beautiful!
Man in chair (matter-of-factly): I'm so drunk.
--Water & Fulton
Overheard by: Angie
No New York Jury Would Convict Me of Murdering Her
Guy, to girl: ...and when I told her it was an espresso she said she hadn't ordered that. She said she had ordered coffee.
Guy and girl, at the same time: An espresso is coffee!
Guy: And then she said: "Can I get some milk for this?"
Girl: Oh my god, are you serious?
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Hannah
We Paid a Lot of Money to Get You Into That School for Mutes
Two-year-old boy: Mom, I missed you a lot in school.
Mother: Don't talk.
--Pizza Place, 86th & Broadway
Overheard by: eliza
My Political Views Are Purely Facial-Hair Based
Young guy in green polo: If he wasn't a moron and wanted to kill the Jews, I would have voted for Hitler.
Young guy in blue button-down: Yeah, me too!
--Grey Papaya's, 8th St & 6th Ave
Lucille Ball: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
20-something girl: I thought you said this walk was only fifteen minutes?
Eastern European guy: This is a walk of shame! Walk of shaaaame.
20-something girl (looking sad): That isn't what this is, is it?
--Dunkin Donuts, Nostrand and Lafayette
Overheard by: Kire
It Was the Maple Syrup That Pushed Josh Over the Edge
Dad, to four-year-old son: That's great, send you off to school all jacked-up on chocolate chip pancakes.
Four-year-old: Jack up! Jack up! Jack off!
--SoHo Breakfast Cafe
Overheard by: dylan
That Was 40K a Year Well-Spent
Guy on microphone, chanting: NYU! NYU!
Girl: What are they spelling?
--NYU Grad Alley
Overheard by: Proud to not be an NYU student
Work with Your Classmates? What the Hell Kind of Exam Is This?
Professor: So as I've said the exam will be open book, and you can work with your classmates.
Student: Is it open book?
Professor: Ahhhh... I'm tired, and I need a martini.
--NYU Classroom
What About Ciara Mist?
Whole Foods employee #1: Yo man, do you know if we have any Kanye pepper?
Whole Foods employee #2: Nah, I think we're out.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Darling Pinky
The Drugs Might Have Something to Do With It
Asian girl: She said she let him do her in the butt for drugs!
Asian guy: That's weird because she's so conservative.
--E 9th St
Some Even Sleep With Women
Gay Asian #1: The guys here are really different from the guys I see in the East Village.
Gay Asian #2: Well, all the guys here have jobs.
Gay Asian #1: Oh... True.
--Vlada, Hell's Kitchen
Then I Hop Back Into My Time Machine and Leave 1997
Hipster chick: What are you listening to?
Friend: Sarah McLachlan. Are you mad? Sometimes I listen to Jewel too.
--4 Train
If Mel Brooks Were a Food Vendor
Food vendor: What would you like?
Customer: What is the difference between a knish and a hot dog?
Food vendor: A knish is delish and the hot dog is a hot dog.
Customer: A knish is delish? Well, I will have the knish please.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Tang
Wasn't That What We Agreed Upon Online?
[Teenage girl spills water and it soaks guy's pants.]
Wet pants boy: My pants are wet!
Girl: Well, what did you expect from me?
Wet pants boy: Not to get my pants soaking wet, that's what!
--Diner, Upper East Side
He'll Give Me a Glass Slipper. I'll Think It's a Hat. We'll Laugh and Laugh
Black girl #1: I wanna date a white boy. One that looks like a skater.
Black girl #2: No, not me. I want an intellectual, so I could act all ignorant around him and he'd still love me.
--158th & St Nicks
Overheard by: jay r.
Love Is Nothing Fancy, Sweetie
Girlfriend: And ya know what? Just fuck you, okay? If that's what you think, fuck you!
(Boyfriend sneezes)
Girlfriend: Bless you.
Boyfriend: Thank you.
Girlfriend: Awwwww... that's the nicest conversation we've ever had!
--Central Park
When My Fingers Have That Problem You Call It a Crime
Teen girl on cell: Yeah, I have a problem keeping my fingers out of my vagina.
Guy friend (to her back): Wow. You have never been hotter.
--Madison Square Garden
Martin Luther: Really?
Loud teenage guidette: He doesn't date!
Ugly teenage guidette: Yeah, he's gay or something. I heard---yeah.
Loud teenage guidette: No, no, he's protestant---like religious. They worship this Chinese guy...
Ugly teenage guidette: Oh, I heard about that! They don't date?
Loud teenage guidette: They don't date white people.
--Starbucks
But It Was Her Deathbed Request!
College student #1: Yeah, I pissed on her, but she was old.
College student #2: It doesn't matter! You fuckin' pissed on a girl!
College student #1: But she was old!
College student #2: Old... young... It doesn't matter! You pissed on a bitch!
--Canal St & Church St
Overheard by: Kenny Gay
And Thus, the Backwards Cowgirl Was Born
Girl: What do you want me to do? I can do anything, that's why I get acting jobs.
Boy: I can't think of anything.
Girl: I can do anything; I can do anything you want me to do and I can do it well.
--69th St
Headline by: Moon
Runners-Up:
· "And Yet, You're Not on Your Knees..." - Katie Darling
· "Before You Pick Up the Hooker, Have a Plan" - CV
· "Kim Possible Breaks Out the Dirty Talk" - john
· "Like Getting Me a Drink Menu?" - phox
· "Looks Like I Just Might Finally Get My Roof Fixed" - engsci
· "Portrait Of the Densest Boy on Earth" - samson
· "Sally's Gaydar Works Again!" - Sara Irene
· "Save It for the Next Election, Hillary" - NR
· "What Does a Girl Have to Do to Become a Fag Hag Around Here?" - rudy valahan
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
How Children Learn to Stop Giving Warnings
Small child: I'm going to bite you, mom!
Mom: No, wait till we get off the train.
--1 Train
After Experimenting, Goldilocks Finds a Religion That's Just Right
Guy #1: Y'know, I really just need to get it through her head that there's nothing wrong with waking up naked in a Jewish synagogue.
Guy #2: Yeah... I feel that, man.
Guy #1: I mean, now that it's happened more than once, she really needs to realize that it's okay.
--NYU Gallatin Elevator
There's Always Something New to Say About Boobs
Guy: I hate coming-of-age stories.
Girl: Why?
Guy: They're boring.
Girl: Yeah, but this one has boobs in it.
--F Train
Overheard by: kim
If You Don't Share with Him
(mom yelling at six-year-old son playing with several magazines)
Mom: Eric, let's go now!
Eric: But Mom, I want one!
Mom: For Christ's sake! Just take one and let's go.
(Eric takes Gay Life)
Mom: Your father is going to kill you.
--80th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Schatz
So Many Possible "Jam" and "Spread" Jokes--The Mind Reels
JAP #1: I hate boys who won't kiss you after you go down on them.
JAP #2: Yeah, I know. But I don't kiss boys after they go down on me.
JAP #1: That's awful! If he can handle it, you should too.
JAP #2: But it's so bitter! I'm just saying: if they sold a jam the flavor of my vagina, I would not buy it.
--27th & 5th
Hag Recruiting Starts With an Attack on the Candidate's Self-Esteem
Flamboyant NYU guy: Oh my gosh! I haven't seen you in so long!
Ditzy NYU girl: I know, right? Oh my god!
Flamboyant NYU guy: This is, like, so weird! I was just thinking about you!
Ditzy NYU girl: Aw, cute! When?
Flamboyant NYU guy: I was all alone at home on Friday night and feeling really depressed and then I realized you probably didn't have any plans either! That made me feel better!
Ditzy NYU girl: Hah... Wait, what?
--W. 4th & Greene St
Overheard by: jon
According to the Best-Seller How to Be Fat and Live in New York
Skinny girl: I may see if she can drive me to Target later.
Friend: She has a car?
Skinny girl: Yeah, it's the only way to be fat and live in New York.
--Williamsburg
Isn't It One of the Words on the Statue Of Liberty?
Student: I tried to write my Spanish essay but I don't know how to say "bitch" in Spanish.
Professor: You live in New York and you don't even know that?
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Guy
A Toxic Shock for the Bystanders
Girl #1: When she was up on stage, she totally pulled her tampon out and threw it into the crowd.
Girl #2: That's sick!
Girl #1: I think it's so cool. I've always wanted to do that.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Mike
The Spice Girls Finally Spell It All Out
Way too loud girl: I mean, if you want my poontang you gotta get my friends drunk too!
Friends: Word!
--6th Ave & Grand St
While You're Stuck With Tattoos Forever
Guy: My wife doesn't like my tattoos.
Woman next to him: I've always thought that marriage should be like a driver's license. You can either renew it after five years... or not.
--F Train
When Trannies Slip in New York, It's the High Heels
Mom: Yeah, he said trannies really aren't his thing, so I guess we'll have to ask someone else.
Daughter: Wait, what?
Mom: You know, transmissions. Why, what did you think?
Daughter: Ummm...
--JFK
Overheard by: trooshieb
Mass Suffering Is the New Black
Female employee #1: Have you seen the "Save Darfur" shirts? I want one.
Female employee #2: No.
(after ten minutes)
Female employee #1: See? Here's the "Save Darfur" shirt. I really want one.
Female employee #2: What's that?
Female employee #1: "Save Darfur".
Female employee #2: What?
Female employee #1: You know, in Africa, where all that genocide is happening...
Female employee #2: Oh. (pause) I love the color!
Female employee #1: Yeah.
--Dressing Room, Urban Outfitters, 72nd Street & Broadway
Overheard by: ewg
Or at Harvard Business School
Customer: What happened to your hair?
Male barista (showing off haircut): Locks of love... locks of love.
Customer: So... someday I'll wear your hair in a play?
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Maggie
I've Heard They Have Over 100 Different Words for It
Girl: I never read Ragtime.
Guy: Really? I enjoyed it very much.
Girl: Well, I tried to read it, but my older sister saw me with it and freaked. She took it away and was all "There are Eskimos masturbating in this!"
Guy: Well, they need to have fun too, you know.
--Stuyvesant High School
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