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Then She Barks at Me and Pees on the Cardboard
Very drunk, seemingly homeless man with cane (to entire car): Merry Christmas, happy Hannukah, everyone!
(everyone in car stares)
Drunk man: I'm not homeless, I'm just very drunk. I got a woman at home who ain't got no job and I keep telling her, bitch, get outta my house and get a job!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Melissa Sills
The Side Of Jared Subway Doesn't Want You to See
Guy #1: Yo, man. I lost seven pounds. Can you believe it?
Guy #2: Oh yeah? Really?
Guy #1: Yeah, I got a fuckin' shoestring on my pants.
Guy #2: Uh...
Guy #1: I don't like this. I liked being fat.
--CVS, Allerton
Overheard by: Lee
When I Try That, My Throat Burns for Some Reason
Chick: My theology professor is sooooo in tune with everything.
Dude: Well, duh, he probably drinks holy water and shit.
--Washington Square Park
But If Anyone Asks, I Called Jenny
Suit #1: So I'd been working out for two hours a day, almost daily, for a few months.
Suit #2: How was that?
Suit #1: Well I wasn't losing any weight, so then I remembered... I'm really rich, I could just get lipo.
--Nassau & Wall St.
Overheard by: slave for the man
But Would You Like Some Poppers?
(crowded train at rush hour)
Polite woman: Can you move in, please?
Annoyed suit: Move in where? This guy's in me.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Zhi Man Huang
Sorry-- I Only Meant We're Too White to Get Off Here
Five-year-old child: Is this our stop, mommy?
Mother: No sweetie, this is the ghetto. Never get off here.
(two people sitting across give them dirty looks as they leave the train)
--Metro-North, Harlem
Overheard by: getting off at the 125th street stop
What Is Something Only Straight Guys Say, Alex?
Guy #1: Oh my god, they have ribbed ones.
Guy #2: And flavored. Shit, I got to get a flavored one.
Guy #1: Awesome, flavored condoms are awesome!
Guy #2: They are. They are freaking awesome!
(guy #1 notices man at urinal).
Guy #1: Dude, we're not gay.
--O'Hanlon's Bar, 14th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Dude
Wrong on All Counts
Teacher: Who was the first African-American woman court justice?
Girl: Judge Judy!
--Leon M. Goldstein High School, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert
Mr. McCain's Co-Workers Have Grown Weary of That Line
Hardhat to ticket agent: Yo, what time you get out?
Ticket agent: At one.
Hardhat: Me too. It's great gettin' out at one.
Ticket agent: Yeah, but I got class after.
Hardhat: Well, better than bein' in a Chinese prison camp.
--Water-Taxi Booth, Queens
Overheard by: obviously not as high as he is
We Should Move to the Country. Where I Can Beat You
Seven-year-old boy (spelling everything he says): D-a-d-c-a-n-I-h-a-v-e-a-d-o-g?
Dad: N-o-t-n-o-w.
Seven-year-old boy: Shut yo' mouth!
--Uptown 6 Train
Then How Did They Suffocate People?
Little boy: In the old days, before they had shopping bags, what did they use? Did they use paper bags?
Weary mom: Yes.
Little boy: Really? Brown paper bags?
Mom: Yes.
Little boy: That's so cool!
--31st Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Brigid
The Sex Ed Teacher You Wish You Had
Teen sister: You mean to tell me you don't find something wrong with a 13-year-old and a 12-year-old having sex!
Tween brother: It's only a one year difference.
Teen sister: That's not the point! Aww fuck it, but you better wear a condom, cause if you wind up someone's baby's daddy, I'm not stopping the chick's dad from kicking your ass.
--Madison Square Garden
He Hooked Up with This Chick and the Rest Was History
Guy #1: Yo, there was a party and her sister was in the shower. I went in there and fucked the shit out of her.
Guy #2: That's all I've been doin' lately. Fucking.
--Downtown 2 Train
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
She Also Requires a Full Medical History and Recent Bank Statement
(white girl walks past group of black guys)
Black guy #1: Crimes? Crimes? You wanna do some crimes?
Black guy #2: Nah man, you gotta have a computer to do crimes with her.
--4th St & Ave A
I Still Think She Was Just Fat from Eating
Woman #1: She wastes so much time at work. Did you ever notice she eats lunch, like, every day?
Woman #2: Yeah, and do you really have to take maternity leave?
--55th & 8th
If Everyday Life Were Structured Like Double Dare
Guy #1: Yeah--it was great! They gave me all this stuff, three pairs of shoes and some shorts, just for showing up.
Guy #2: That's great! When did you get out of the psych ward?
Guy #1: Just today!
--Stuyvesant Place, Staten Island
That's a Privilege I Reserve for My Clients
Guy: What do you do?
Girl: I'm a probation officer.
Guy: Oh, criminal or family?
Girl: Criminal.
Guy: Can I pee in your cup?
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Paul
Then I'd Steal Your Tampons, Since You Wouldn't Need Them
Private school girl: Would you cry if you found out I was dying?
Friend: Sure, if I was on my period.
--Great Lawn
Do You Want to Have Surgery to Look Like George Clooney?
Man: So, whatever you want to do, I'll do.
Woman: But...
Man: I'm fine doing whatever makes you happy.
Woman: But that's stupid.
--Starbucks, 87th & Lexington
Was He a Baby?
Teenage girl #1: I'm sure there's at least one West African child that isn't heavily inebriated!
Teenage girl #2: Ya, I knew one once, he was a really bad fuck.
--112th b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ema O'Connor
If It's Any Comfort, I'll Blush Every Time I Remember This Conversation
Black girl: I'm not voting. I'm from Illinois and I never registered to get an absentee ballot.
White guy: Well, Obama's clearly going to win there, anyway. (pause) Oh, wait... No, I didn't mean...
Black girl: No, it's okay, you're right, I would have voted for him.
White guy: But that's not why I... It wasn't the black thing, it was the NYU thing.
--NYU Silver Center
So Women Vibrated, Which Was Pretty Cool
NYU professor: And so the Chinese invented statistics to take censuses. (to girl) Would you have been counted?
Girl: Um... Yes?
Guy: No, because they only counted men in the censuses.
Professor: Right, because this was back in the good old days, when men were men and women were washing machines.
--NYU Kaufman Building
Overheard by: Erin
It Once Was Lost, but Now Is Found
Euchre partner #1: Dude! I saved your ass on that hand.
Euchre partner #2: Yes -and thank you for being Jesus for my anus.
--Euchre Club of Queens
I Can Feel My Pores Loosening Again
Girl to friend: (smiling) I am so happy to have gone to the spa!
Angry preacher passing by: (screaming) You are all going to hell!
Girl to friend: (no longer smiling) I didn't need to hear that.
--Port Authority
Though I Am a Bit of a Dick
Giant rasta to his dick: Man, I know one thing for sure, I ain't needing no more to drink tonight! I'm trying to enjoy my night with you, Woody. Woody? Woody? You awake, Woody? Man, I needs me one of them diamond pills already?
Onlooker #1: Is he talking to his shit?
Onlooker #2: I'm sure as hell not Woody.
--The Coffee Shop, Union Square
Overheard by: Schreibz
Mom Finally Comes to Terms with It
Mom: You're not cooking anymore. You're awful.
Daughter: I don't like cooking. I'd rather bake.
Mom: Of course you would, you fucking stoner.
--A Train
Overheard by: A Birdy Told Me
Craig Failed "Acronyms" Three Times
Detective #1: Hurry up, we have a DOA!
Detective #2: Relax, it's just a DOA. It's not like somebody died.
--Upper Westside Police Precinct
Overheard by: BigCitySgt
Two Girls, One Stradivarius Probably Isn't Appropriate, Then
Woman: Do you have any books on violins?
Sales guy: Well, we don't have a lot about playing them, but we have some about the sensuality of it.
Woman: It's for a child.
Sales guy: Oh.
--Borders, 57th & Park Ave
Raise Your Hand If You'd Like Her Phone Number
Guy walking small dog: It's crazy that we live so close to each other and I never see you.
Woman walking giant dog: I know it's my fault, I've been crazy busy at work.
Guy: We don't have to make it a big thing -even if we just get together for a half an hour of sex.
Woman: I'm up for that!
--W 26th St
Mommy and Our Piano Tuner, to Use a Hypothetical Example
Father to little daughter: You are the most beautiful girl in this photo... and I'm not biased.
(daughter smiles)
Father: Do you know what "biased" means?
Daughter (rolling her eyes): Yes, it means that you like both boys and girls.
--F Train
You Look Slightly Less Chubby in This Bridesmaid's Dress. How's That for Supportive?
College girl #1: Ugh, I can't believe I have to go to my uncle's wedding. It's his fucking third one!
College girl #2: His third one?
College girl #1: Yes! Why can't he just go to some deserted island and get married by himself?!
College girl #3: Well, you can't really get married by yourself.
(pause)
College girl #1: Will you please just be supportive? You know what I mean.
--MetroNorth, Harlem Line
Overheard by: rpk
We Heart This Guy
Awkward Japanese teacher: So you guys use text messages, right? Like... L-O-L?
(students look confused)
(awkward Japanese teacher laughs)
Student, proudly: I know: L-O-L sensei!
Awkward Japanese teacher: Oh em gee.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: vicksburg
The Threshold of Outrage Is a Lot Higher This Century
Girl: You'll never guess what I saw in the Delancey Street station today. I was about to sit down on the bench when I noticed that someone had drawn swastikas all over it with a marker.
Guy: That's distasteful.
Girl: Tell me about it. I'm sure people come across that and have their day completely ruined. Luckily, I was only slightly annoyed.
--G Train
Overheard by: greg*
Why Oscar the Grouch Hired Bouncers
Conductor: Yes, here's the bathroom. And if someone's in there (points to the garbage can in the wall) you can go right in there, I don't care.
Guy standing near the garbage, to another passenger: Hey, hey! Not while I'm standing here.
--Train Departing from Penn Station
Headline by: Rachel
Runners-Up:
· "And the Waterfountain Is a Bidet on Really Busy Days" - bdayfox
· "I Guess It Really Is Better to Be Pissed Off Than Pissed On" - Mark
· "Let Me Lay Down and Get Comfortable First" - ddv
· "Please Stand Clear Of the Emptying Bowels" - Mr. Hedge
· "So That's What They Mean by "Business" Class." - Jessie Birks
· "Wait Till We Get to Newark, When I Can't Tell the Difference" - Barry P.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why Pillbox Hats Are Making a Comeback
Preppy girl: I wonder why celebrities do so many drugs.
Queen: Honey, you can only buy so much couture.
--F Train
Then Why Does It Have Blond Hair and a Tooth?
Girl #1: Look, yo! You got a tumor on your arm, a tumor!
Girl #2: That's not a tumor, it's a mosquito bite... like my tits!
--E Train
Overheard by: Jatmos
Here's One of Us Frolicking on a Mountain of Coke
Guy: So you slept with her?!
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: You were supposed to be taking pictures of the drugs, not seducing her.
--Red Hook Boardwalk
I Wanna Fuck You Like an Wednesday One-Liner
Ghetto chick to friend: Remember when you took that chinchilla from me, back in the day?
--Q Train
Overheard by: Chloe
Grungy dude on cell: So I jumped on my horse and got the fuck outta there.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: bildita
Guy: ...and those Egyptians had crocodiles. Those crocodiles that shoot lasers out of their eyes.
--Metropolitian Musuem of Art
Overheard by: Bonkers in Yonkers
Hipster chick: Deer antlers. Everywhere I go, all I see are deer antlers. I'm getting sick of it.
--14th St & 1st Av
Overheard by: Larry
Thug: I'm like super pimp. I pimp men and women... And cats and dogs. Shit, I got the whole animal kingdom.
--10th & Broadway
Composed chick on cell: He's a giraffe, and I'm a leopard, and I'm never gonna be a giraffe. I've tried and tried, but my destiny is as a leopard, you see? I can fake being a giraffe for awhile, but eventually I'm gonna have to rip his throat out and feed on his entrails. It's in my nature. The only alternative is divorce.
--Billiard Hall, Elizabeth & Bowery
Wednesday One-Liners Take the Sex and the City Tour
Tourist to doorman, in thick German accent: Excuse me, can you point me to the nearest Hooters?
--53rd St
Overheard by: jillcorp
Tourist taking a picture of her uncooperative teenage daughter: Shut up and pose, or I'm going to pee right on this yard.
--Central Park
Tourist about to take picture with lens cap on: Oh, shoot! Hold on, I have to take the lens cap off or else the picture is going to be really dark!
--Grand Central Terminal
Tourist girl: I don't get it, there's so many suits here, I thought Union Square would be full of hippies.
--City Hall Park
Tourist on cell: So far, I've experienced coldness and evil.
--57th & 8th
Overheard by: Lag
See Wednesday One-Liners Run. Run, Wednesday One-Liners, Run
Drunk man to friend carrying him: And she keeps making fun of my tiny dick, but then she keeps grabbing my ass. Can you explain that to me?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: John-Boy
Man to friend: Ya know I've touched both your dick and your brother's dick... and his is much bigger.
--44th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: bigstoopit
20-something guy: I've just decided I need to quit dicking around and buy some q-tips.
--1 Train
Overheard by: drew
Guy, yelling: I did not put Peter's dick in my mouth. I didn't see it, I don't even know what it looks like! None of us even came and it's not important!
--Greenwich Ave
Obviously straight guy: For a million dollars. I'd suck the Jolly Green Giant's dick, I don't care if it did break my jaw.
--MacDougal St
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Grow on Trees
Crazy guy: Look at you people. All y'all paying eighteen, nineteen hundred dollars rent. I pay two dollars rent! And I get a free transfer!
--Uptown A Train
Overheard by: Heather
Smoking girl: I'm just not going to put all of this money and time into this degree and then take a job that pays less than $100,000 after I graduate. I mean, I'm just *not*.
--Outside Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Bored street fundraiser for the homeless: Just one penny, people. Just one penny. Blah, blah, blah.
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: Farley
Crazy guy: You motherfucking actors with all your fucking money and shit... I hate you... But boy did I want to be an actor when I was young.
--Outside NBC Studios, 49th & 6th
Overheard by: Ross
Frustrated booth operator, yelling at an argumentative tourist: Lady, this subway hasn't used tokens in over seven years! And that ain't even a token... It's a one collar coin!
--Subway, Spring & Lafayette
Overheard by: NYC Tourists Never Cease to Amaze Me
50-something ticket collector to high school girl: Don't worry, I didn't forget your change. (pause) I will never forget you. (walks away)
--Metro-North Train
Mother to young daughter running down the street: Get over here before I make change outta that five dollar ass!
--168 & Broadway
Don't Read Too Much Into Wednesday One-Liners
Teenager: Dude, my sister is always stealing her friends' books, but like, sometimes no one has the book she wants, how much easier would it be if there was like, a Blockbuster, but for books.
--Blockbuster
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Did you bring something to read on the train? I'm trying to decide if I want to talk to you, sleep, or read my book.
--A Train
Overheard by: The Green Cat
Teenage girl: I need Romeo and Juliet. But do you have any with, like, the English on one side and Shakespeare on the other?
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Spoiled colleg girl to friend: My mom really wants me to get a nice big tote because she's really worried about how I'm going to carry all my books. But I'm, like, worried if I'm even going to read my books.
--Outside Bloomingdale's Dressing Room
Chick: So they called him up on stage, and they were like: "We want to bestow this honor upon you." And he was like: "It is indeed an honor, an honor indeed." And I'm all like: "Come on, like, I mean, seriously, like, who talks like that? Can't you take it down a notch! Don't you read US Weekly or anything?
--Starbucks, Woolworth Building
NYU girl to male friend: There's almost something poetic about it, you know? Like, the 20-year-old Catholic virgin from Connecticut losing it to the older Ecuadorian lothario? Hell, I should just write a book about my life.
--NYU Dining Hall
Soylent Green Is Wednesday One-Liners!
Girl on cell: So I told her I didn't think George Washington was a cannibal.
--Barnes & Noble, Staten Island
Overheard by: Marina Tricorico
Asian girl to friend: You know, if he really likes you, he'd eat you.
--Coles Sports Center
Overheard by: Alice Huang
Hysterical woman screaming at cops: She bit me! I did not touch her!
--84th & Broadway
Overheard by: rachel
Dude: Remember that crazy condo lady? She totally ate my ass on the first date.
--Chelsea
20-something guy on cell: have you ever tasted pee before?! Word?!
--Spring & W Broadway
Three-year-old girl: Daddy, I'm eating your eyeballs!
--R Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Wednesday One-Liners Take Advantage Of Medicare While They Still Can
Blonde on cell: So it was either an ambulance or a taqueria.
--Times Square
Girl on cell: What? What!? Go to the hospital. Go to the hospital! Please. Why? Because when you get stabbed you go to the hospital, you don't go and lay down.
--Jersey Transit
Thug, in a rush: Look, I don't give a fuck! I just want Medicaid!
--13th & 3rd
Disgruntled male gynecologist: We're the bastard stepchildren of the surgery world. General surgeons barely think we're human. "Oh, don't get up, it's just a gynecologist." I could have been a general surgeon, a plastic surgeon, a dentist, a lawyer... I'd be making more money, too. My brother's cat needed a caesarian section and the vet got paid more than I get paid to do a caesarian section!
--Gynecology Office, 32nd & Madison
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl on cell: I told you I was sick and needed to go to the doctor's! I can't even swallow! I tried food, water and liquids!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ross
Chick in scrubs (lighting cigarette) to friend in scrubs: My heart rate won't go down!
--113th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: McFreaky
No Computer Can Replace Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: This is 81st street. Get off here for the big museum of dead stuff.
--Uptown C Train
Overheard by: Barry P.
PA announcer: Ladies and gentleman, we remind you to please be considerate of other passengers, and please keep your bags off the seats. I am karate trained, and will clear them by force if necessary.
--7 Train Subway Platform
Overheard by: your girl Dunham
Conductor on speakers: This is the 1:34 am last train to Dover. There are two toilets, one in the front and one in the second carriage. Please try your hardest to make it in there. And make sure to get off at your stop. Stay alert people. If you pass out you will end up in Dover.
--Penn Station, NJ Transit
MTA conductor: Near the rear doors, in the blue shirt and black tie, get your saggy stomach clear of the closing doors! 5th Avenue is next.
--E Train, 7th Avenue Station
Overheard by: jeannine
Conductor: Once more, ladies and gentlemen, things that should not be in the doors when they are closing: heads, shoulders, knees or toes, no purses, arms, or slow companions.
--Downtown 6 Train
Conductor: For those of you who don't know, today is national train appreciation day. I think I deserve a round of applause. (passengers applaud) Now for those of you transferring to the Montauk train, I want you to think about how much more uncomfortable it would be if you had to make that trip by stagecoach.
--LIRR
Overheard by: androgenious
Color-Coordinated Wednesday One-Liners
Hipster on cell: Drunk dialing is the new black. Fuck you. Happy new year.
--House Party, Lorimer St
Overheard by: confabulation Nation
Redhead to friend: I swear we always have orange animals and they're all called Renae.
--Central Park
Woman to man: There are many things to be sad about. The color of money being green isn't one of them.
--90th & 1st
Overheard by: Sam
Sad suit: Their yogurt is just too white.
--Outside Pinkberry in Koreatown
Girl: Yeah, my pubes are pink.
--B1 Bus
Overheard by: Robert
Middle aged gay man: Alright! I like colored pens! There, I said it.
--42nd St
Wednesday One-Liners Put Them on One Leg at a Time
Boy to girl: Does it look like my ass is eating my pants?
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Eight-year old girl: It's not me, it's the pants! It's the pants!
--81st & Roosevelt Ave
Overheard by: Jobee
Woman on cell: No. No. Absolutely not. Look, would you please put some pants on?
--8th & Broadway
Cop to his cop friends: My buns don't look good in these pants. But hey, what can you do? It's part of the uniform.
--Times Square Shuttle Station
Overheard by: Heather
Girl on cell: Do you have to shit? Oh... So go in your pants!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Shira
Incredulous thug to friend: You drop your pants to hop the train?
--W. Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
Wednesday One-Liners: Bigger, Longer, Uncut
Guy: And I was thinking how lucky I was not to have had a bris. That guy had like eight of them!
--Thai Restaurant
Overheard by: sara swank
Girl: Wait, are you circumcised? In the penis?
--Wicked Monk, 86th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: christine
Beautiful Latina: But my dad getting circumcised at 57 wasn't even the funniest thing!
--Dallas BBQ, Upper West Side
Overheard by: Ladle
Teen on cell: So, they were going to uncircumcise it?
--Flatbush Ave & 7th Ave, Brooklyn
Teen girl: Oh my god, my circumcised hot dog!
--The Summit School
Overheard by: Michael
CVS employee on cell: Yo, that nigga be gangsta son, he be gangsta. That nigga be circumcised, he all "what?" that nigga fall down, he be "waah, waah" then be be right back up playing an shit. Yeah, that nigga's gangsta.
--CVS, 30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Robyn
All the World's a Wednesday and the People Merely One-Liners
Loud angsty teen boy: My life is a tragedy and I'm only in act two!
--LaGuardia High School
Overheard by: He's no Shakespeare...
Actor: I almost woke up dead this morning. But I don't have an understudy.
--Gallery Players, Park Slope
Overheard by: Emily B.
Guy: ...and grimace could play Mary Magdalene.
--Lincoln Center
Shake Shack patron: It was like Menopause: The musical.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Queer on cell: Honey, if you thought Menopause was funny, you are gonna piss yo pants at The Vagina Monologues!
--Walgreens, Union Square
Flyer guy to girl with Rent shirt: Why you gonna go see Rent? Have you seen it yet? The gay guy dies. Woo!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Minerva
Stagehand: Julliard is a school. It's not like Spamalot.
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Emily B.
We Were Eating Well in the Neighborhell
Wife: Oh, where was that place we had that really good beer? I forgot where that was... Do you remember...?
Husband: Applebee's?
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Be Sure to Bury Me with My DS
Little girl with Nintendo DS: Mommy, since I can't sleep in my room tonight, do I still have to help you right now?
Mom: Yes, you can still help.
Little girl: Ugh, fine. Just let me go die.
--Union Square
...No Disrespect
(Guy wearing laminated sign bearing photo of the 9/11 commission report approaches shopper)
Signboard guy: Excuse me, are you a registered voter in New York?
Middle-aged man in suit: Yes.
Signboard guy: We are trying to gather signatures to have the 9/11 commission reopened.
Middle-aged man: You're a fucking asshole from hell!
--Associated Store, 14th St & 1st Ave
Her Bitching Used to Get Me Hard, Too
Man #1: She bitched at me this morning because we haven't had sex in over a week.
Man #2: They don't understand that we can't turn it on anytime they want it.
Man #1: Face it. We have to get gassed up, start the ignition and drive. All they have to do is open the garage door.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: John Strybos
For Your Information, We Need These Jackets for Medicinal Purposes
Waspy girl on cell: No, it's totally safe up here. I mean there are hipsters on the street.
Passing hipster (to friend wearing Members Only jacket): Is she talking about us?
--125th & Park
What You Get for Talking to Strangers
Cokehead: Hey buddy, you got a cigarette?
Brit tourist: Yeah, man. Here.
Cokehead: Hey, smell my face.
Brit tourist: Why?
Cokehead: Just smell it, go on! (sticks chin out and pushes face to Brit's nose)
Brit tourist: No way man, why?
Coke head: Please.
(Brit tourist smells his face)
Brit tourist: What is that?
Cokehead: That's the smell of a thousand-dollar hooker's pussy.
--42nd & 3rd
Step by Step...Why Do We Know That?
Aaron: D'you remember that show when Duffy was married to Suzanne Somers?
Friend: (pissed) Aaron! Get it through your head, bro. I fucking hate Patrick Duffy.
Aaron: Who the fuck hates Patrick Duffy? That's like hating the dad from Boy Meets World.
Friend: Are you fucking serious right now?
--45th & 3rd
Overheard by: AdHoculi
That, and She Has Thick Ankles
Older yenta: What is she, anyway?
Younger yenta: Jehovah's witness.
Older yenta: So that's her problem!
--PATH
You're Kidding Yourself If You Think Those Things Don't Matter
Account executive: So, who'd you vote for?
Creative director: Obama, he's got cool logos.
--New York Ad Agency, Midtown
A Lonely, Malnourished, Mooing Chicken
Woman #1: So I got this veal thing while I was there.
Woman #2: What's veal?
Woman #1: It's like fake chicken.
--44th & 9th
And I'm Looking for a Guy with His Own Plants to Water
Woman: So what did you do?
Gay man: I put my pants back on and left the apartment -he was just a house sitter!
--53rd St & 9th Ave
In That Case I'd Recommend Less Wrist
(older woman flailing her arms around while speaking to younger woman she is dining with)
Waitress: Yes, did you need something?
Older woman: Oh, no! I was just doing an imitation of ferocious wolves in the wild.
Waitress: Oh, okay.
--French Restaurant, Spring St
A Few More Months in New York and You'll Learn Not to Admit That
Woman #1: Ooh. I like that top!
Woman #2: Thanks.
Woman #1: It's very Sex and the City. Where'd ya get it?
Woman #2: Penney's.
--Shuttle Train to Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Robert
Which Is to Say, No One Got Dollywood.
Southern tourist child: Daddy, was Jesus Dolly Parton's best friend too?
Southern tourist father: No, no one really loved Dolly Parton.
--34th & Lexington
Overheard by: Graham Davis
Until I Fuck You with a Strap-On at Intermission
Girl #1: I was so impressed with him! He immediately identified me as bi. No one else had ever done that before.
Girl #2: I know. When I came out three months ago, I called everyone I knew, and they were all surprised.
Girl #1: And here we are at Hamlet, sitting here in dresses! No one will ever suspect!
--Delacorte Theater, Central Park
Storage Space Is a Major Issue in Manhattan
Guy: He is so stupid.
Girl: He isn't stupid, his brain is full.
--8th St & Greene
Doesn't He Live Inside All of Us or Some Shit?
Thin hipster: Man, 2pac is so fucking awesome.
Thinner hipster: Yeah, I guess. Dead role models don't do much for youth.
Thin hipster: What about Jesus, man?
Thinner hipster: Forgot about him. Whoops.
--D Train
It's No Trouble at All, Robin, When I've Got the Pussymobile!
Bookseller to black girl: Hey, stop -I want to get with you.
Black girl: You can't.
Bookseller: Why not?
Black girl: I got to go.
Bookseller: Where you be Friday night?
Black girl: Jersey.
Bookseller: A'ight. I be there.
Black girl: Too far for you.
Bookseller: I'll travel for pussy. I'm a travellin' man for pussy.
Bookseller's friend: You'd go to Jersey for pussy? That's some crazy desperate shit.
--Washington Place & 6th Ave
Overheard by: JCo
...It Was Just Age-Appropriate Erotic Play, Mom!
Mother, scolding six-year-old girl: No more kissing until... you're 27!
Little girl: But...
--74th & Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Geography Seems Immaterial in the Presence of an Irish Wolfhound
Lost barhopper: Hey, do you guys know where MacDougal Street is?
Hipster: Oh, I'm sorry dude. I'm just looking at the size of the fucking dog over there.
--Bleecker & Jones
Overheard by: KNation
It's Part of the Elementary School Curriculum Here in New York
Drunken friend #1: That guy at the bar was hot. You totally should've taken him home.
Drunken friend #2: Why me? Let her (points to drunken friend #3) take him home.
Drunken friend #3 (trying to be discreet): Ummmm excuse me? I don't need a man. I have d-i-c-k at home.
Drunken friend #2: Uhh, the rest of the train can figure out what you just spelled.
--Crowded 6 Train
Overheard by: ear hustler
I Never Told You About the Jar on My Desk?
Suit #1: Good thing my girlfriend had an abortion, or I'd have a 16-year-old kid right now.
Suit #2: Yeah? I never heard this story.
--F Train
Overheard by: wb
Headline by: kasey
Runners-Up:
· "Haven't You Ever Asked About My Framed Coathanger?" - Ian
· "Jesus; Always the Son, Never the Father" - benny blanco
· "Lifetime Wasn't Interested" - Emily Leonard
· "Neither Did My Wife..." - phox
· "Once Upon a Vacuum..." - blistexaddict
· "Well Jimmy, When a Man and Woman Like Sex Without Commitments...." - mkp-hearts-nyc
· "Your Wife Was Pretty Insistent I Never Tell You" - Greg Costello
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Love the New York Public Library
Excited college kid #1: Dude! We are totally going back there!
Excited college kid #2: Definitely.
Excited college kid #1: Hash, 'shrooms, a shitload of pot... We are getting fucked up this weekend and then we're going back there for more!
Excited college kid #2: Yessssss.
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: wondering where there is.
Luckily My Wife's Into That
Female fan (after seeing Tom Wopat in A Catered Affair): You remind me of my father.
Tom Wopat (in New York accent): I'm like everyone's father.
--Stage Door, Kerr Theater
Overheard by: Andi C.
She Looks Kinda Tough Though
Girl #1: If you could eat anyone, who would it be?
Girl #2: Famous, or people we know?
Girl #1: Ummm... famous. And then people we know.
Girl #2: Gabrielle Reece.
Girl #1: Yeah, good call.
--Cafeteria, 18th & 7th
I Find Starvation Heightens His T-Ball Game
Girl #1: Look at these pictures.
(girl #2 starts to look at pictures)
Girl #2: Oh look, my son looks like one of those... uhhh... hmmm...? I forgot what they are called.
Girl #1: A hungry child?
Girl #2: Yeaaaah, like one of those kids from a third world country.
--Buhre Avenue, Bronx
Overheard by: DaILList4Ever
'Two Coasts'? That's Just Crazy Talk!
Blonde #1: I met Kelly in Portland.
Blonde #2: Which Portland?
Blonde #1: What are you talking about?
Blonde #2: Well there are two: one on the east coast, one on the west coast.
(long silence)
Blonde #1: You know, it's not funny to lie all the time like that.
--Houston St
And the McDonald's Down the Block Has Fajitas Now
Tourist to desk clerk: We are looking for some good authentic Mexican food, do you recommend the little place next door?
Desk clerk: No, if you want real Mexican food, there's a Chipotle around the corner.
--Comfort Inn, Times Square
The Etymology of "Pegging"?
Kid #1, to kid #2 on bike: Come on, let me ride on the pegs.
Kid #2: No.
Kid #1: Fine, I'll ride you.
--129th St, Rockaway
Overheard by: Robert
The Invisible Hand Behind Subway "Accidents"
Wall Street guy #1: So I was watching A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila and my son asked: "Dad, what's a lesbian?" I mean, I wish I could tell him about it when he's ready.
Wall Street guy #2: Yeah, so anyway. They have these only boys and only girls birthday parties for the little kids down at Fire Island...
Wall Street guy #1: So you think the parties turn them into lesbians?
Wall Street guy #2: No, I'm just trying to segue into talking about something other than... (looks around train suspiciously) lesbians.
--Downtown 6 Train
Boys and Girls Are Different
Girl #1: God, I hate professional basketball. The other night I was hanging out with some guys and they were like: "The playoffs are on!" and I was like: "Yea, so is The Hills."
Girl #2 (disgusted): Ugh, you watch that?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Actually, so do I.
--MJ Armstrong's Public House
Pedro Does Undercover Work for Moms Throughout the Tri-State Area
Mother: Honey, your dress is just too low. I know you don't mean to, but when you wear things that show that much of you, you attract the wrong kind of men.
Scary Mexican man sitting across: Oh honey, you definitely do.
(girl hastily pulls her dress up)
--1 Train
Overheard by: Anna
So Stop Whining and Come Along to Starbucks
Little tourist kid: Daddy, I want to go ice skating!
Tourist dad: I swear to god, you can go ice skating back in El Paso!
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: liag
Still Hoping I Don't Go to College, Aren't You?
(man instructing son to stay in the crosswalk)
Man: Don't wander off into the street.
Son: Why? Why do I have to stay between the lines?
Man: Stay between the lines and you'll be rich. You'll be rich.
Son: What do you mean?
Man: It means you get paid if a car hits you.
--Surf Ave & Stillwell Ave
Overheard by: Amanda Haag
What Have You Been Doing with Your Big Toe, Anyway?
Thug #1: It is on fire, I swear! I cannot walk around anymore.
Thug #2: Dude, just because it itches doesn't mean it's an STD.
--Observation Deck, Empire State Building
Overheard by: StrikeForceAwesome
Your Neck Gets Stiff Keeping Your Nose in the Air
Lady: Yeah, I mean I'm looking for something that is a fit for me. Ya know, you're either an East Side girl or a West Side girl... there's really no in-between.
Real estate agent: Right, right, I understand. That's why I'm here.
Lady: Because you know, I don't want to be surrounded by frat bros and their yoga moms.
Real estate: Understandable, I wouldn't subject anyone to that.
--Starbucks, 57th & Lexington
Overheard by: trying to get caffeine fix
And Mr Cheney Is a Terrible Dancer
Teen #1: Yo, that machete nigga was dancin' with Hitler in heaven!
Teen #2: Yo, with Hitla?!
Teen #3: Oh, shit!
--Malcolm X & Lafayette, Brooklyn
Overheard by: off white
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