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Tourist Season Is New York's Hunting Season
Conductor: Attention, passengers. This is the last stop on this N train. For service to Brooklyn, please exit and take the R train. Again...
Tourist: Wait, is this the N train?
Passenger: Yes.
Tourist: Does the N train go to Brooklyn?
Passenger: Yes.
Tourist: Does this train go to Brooklyn?
Passenger, exiting: No.
--N Train
Overheard by: Still searching for the logical flaw
The Little Mermaid Had Trouble Adjusting to College Life
Girl #1: I know "impactful" isn't a word, but what would be a word that means that?
Girl #2: Hold on, I'm coming over there. I can't think in the air.
--9th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Laguna
How Jake Met His Second Wife
Guy: Today's my anniversary!
Lady suit: Congratulations!
Guy: I've been divorced 28 years today. Bitch drove me crazy.
Lady suit: Oh.
--City Hall
Little Girl: Mom, Why Do Fat Girls Wear Tight Clothes?
Chick #1, passing little girl on the street: Did you see that little girl?
Chick #2: What?
Chick #1: She gave me the stink eye! That little four-year-old bitch gave me the stink eye!
Chick #2 (turns around to look at the little girl who's still staring at them): Holy shit, she's still looking! That bitch is crazy. Run!
--Union Square
Didn't You Wonder Why the Entry Exam Has an Interior Design Section?
College girl #1: Jake is the kind of gay where you don't know he's gay and when you find out, it makes sense. Nobody can be that hot and that straight. It wouldn't be fair to every other girl out there if you were dating him. He's the kind of gay you cry over when you find out.
College girl #2: Every guy is gay here. How did you not know that he was? It's like, a prerequisite to get in.
--Fordham University Lincoln Center
Noxema: *Shrug* Any Press Is Good Press.
Large 20-something tough-looking man: Dude, you have bags under your eyes, are you okay?
Large 20-something man: Yeah man, I'm just tired.
Large 20-something tough-looking man: Dude, I'm going to take you over to Duane Reade. We are going to get you this great stuff -it's called Noxema! You just put some on your eyes before you go to bed and your bags will disappear!"
--A Train
I Mean, Maybe If It Was Your Birthday or Something
Guy #1: I mean, maybe I would spoon with you if it was really cold or if it was winter and we were in the mountains or something. But I'm really not that interested in spooning with you or anything. That's the last thing on my mind.
Guy #2: Dude, I wasn't offering.
Guy #1: I mean, I really don't want to spoon you at all. Like, at all. That's not my thing.
Guy #2: I really was not offering at all.
--1 Train
Good Girl, Omarosa!
Laughing suit to man with dog: What a nice dog! He must love playing in the snow.
Man with dog: Thank you.
Suit: He must love playing in the snow.
Man with dog: I think she's just looking for a place to take a dump.
--Central Park
Don't Worry--You Can't Smell It from There
Woman: Have you ever been to Chelsea piers?
Man: No, I can't say I have.
Woman: Oh. It's wonderful. It has a great view of New Jersey.
Man: (sounding disgusted) Oh. (feigning interest) New Jersey, huh?
--Elevator, 25th & 8th
Which Some of the Barnard Girls Fail to Pass
Columbia boy: That's the library, right?
Barnard girl: Yeah, but it's just for girls. They do a muff-check at the door.
--Barnard College
Harry Had a Traumatic Experience with Legos As a Child
(hobo runs through bushes, unzipping pants, mumbling. Cop follows him)
Hobo runs back, zipping up pants: Building structures building structures!
--Washington Square
Overheard by: KidUgly
Like Those Black Girls in the SUV?
(two girls, looking at a sign that says "Stop Crumping")
Girl #1: Crumping? What is that?!
Girl #2: Crunking? Crimping?
Girl #1: Is there anyone here who can help us?!
--Bard High School Early College
Imagine How Rude People Would Be Without the Courtesy Cops
Hobo, eating a chicken kebab: I want me some pussy. I don't care where it's from. I just really want me some pussy to fuck. I wanna make her pussy go (sticks tongue out of mouth) pfffffffff.
Girl on street: Alright. That's enough.
--W 4th & Broadway
Overheard by: KTandSheila
Animals Seldom Date Out of Their Species
Professor (explaining some complex syntax in language and then proceeds to use example): So, the dog ate the cat.
Student: Oh! Ooh!
Professor: Oh...? Oh! No, no, no! Not in that way!
--Queens College Linguistics Lecture
Overheard by: YoungEnoughNotToKnow
Still Think Gender's a Binary?
Homeless man: If I can't get me a girl, I'm gonna masturbate until my dick falls off!
Nearby butch-looking chick: Yeah!! Me, too!
--Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: smokincat
Take Oprah, for Instance
(little boy #1 is playing a Nintendo)
Little boy #1: Yeah, that final boss was pretty hard, but I'm glad it was a sorceress, not a sorcerer; it's a well known fact that they're more powerful.
Little boy #2: It's true.
--6 Train
Overheard by: florian
That's the Problem With Cuss-Inflation
Girl #1: She is such a motherfucker. No -that's not strong enough. She's a -there aren't words to describe her.
Girl #2: How about motherfucking motherfucker?
Girl #1: Not strong enough!
Girl #2: How about...
(girl #1 drops her bag, and stuff spills out)
Girl #1: Motherfucker!
(pause)
Girl #1: See, she can't be a motherfucker, because that was a motherfucker!
--110th & Columbus
Guess Whether or Not I'd Save You
Conductor to a group of passengers: You should flip the seats back, this is going to be a crowded train.
Passenger #1: Well, what if we lied down and pretended to be corpses or something? People wouldn't take our seats then.
Conductor: No, people would just come and sit on you.
Passenger #2: But what if we were just like "We're not dead yet!"?
Conductor: Well, they'd still sit on you, so you probably would be dead soon.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: alison
Everybody Hates Being Outvictimized
(Native American cop is arresting a black man)
Black man: Fuckin' discrimination, man! Leave me the fuck alone! I ain't done nothin wrong!
Native American Cop: Fuck you! We were oppressed first!
Black man: Apache motherfucker!
--82nd St, Queens
Overheard by: Lea
Actually, He Has Three
Male retiree: Do you have any books by Stephen Hawking?
Librarian: By him or about him?
Male retiree: I don't know. An easy one. Did you know he has two kids?
Librarian: No...
Male retiree: Yeah, I saw him on PBS last night, he's, you know... And he has two kids!
Librarian: He must be proud.
--Brooklyn Library
Like Mr. Hefner
Person: So how do you get girls, Mr Lynn?
Mr Lynn: I adopt them.
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Excellence
So That's Genetically Impossible
Latino middle school boy: Barack Obama's gay!
Black middle school boy: No he ain't! He's black!
--F Train
Overheard by: West Coast Courtney
Everyone Has Their Own Learning Curve
Conductor: Please do not attempt to stick your foot into a closing door.
(turns off PA. Comes back on)
Conductor: It's very dangerous... to put your hand or foot to block a closing door.
(turns off PA again. Comes back on)
Conductor: Especially your foot.
--W Train
Overheard by: Lex
I Will Now Do My Cher Impression and Turn Back Time
Teacher: Alright, so what are the positives and negatives about eating ice cream?
Student #1: It's good on a hot day.
Teacher: Good. What else?
Student #2: (under his breath) It's also good on a hot body...
Teacher: Let's pretend you didn't just say that.
--Edward R. Murrow Highschool Classroom, Brooklyn
Overheard by: anonymous
Sure, Troy.
Young guy #1: How often do I have to feed her fish?
Young guy #2: Don't ask me dude, I've fucked every fish I've ever owned... Wait. I don't fuck fish!
--1 Train
But It Took Her 20 Tries to Get It Right
Teenage girl #1: I feel so bad so bad for her.
Teenage girl #2: Why? She brought it upon herself, I didn't tell her to snort that coke, I didn't tell her to roll up that $20 bill and put it in her nose.
Teenage girl #3: Let's be honest now, it was probably only $1.
--Forever 21, Union Square
...Mr. "I Wear Crocs"
Guy #1: Are people getting dumber or is it just me?
Guy #2: Both.
--6 Train
An Event That Can Be Enjoyed, but Not Explained
Confused Hispanic woman (feet away from tree): What is going on here?
Unenthusiastic cop: I don't know... some big tree.
--Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting
She's Lucky You Agreed to Sleep With Her
Douche #1: I just wanted to be like: "bitch, shut the fuck up."
Douche #2: Yeah. She's not hot enough to talk to you like that.
--53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Andy
The Judge Sided With the Cat
Guy #1: What, you think he's a moron because he didn't go to grad school?
Guy #2: No, he's a moron because he lost an argument with my cat.
--F Train
...Now That She's Pregnant
Drunk girl #1: How is Beth* doing?
Drunk girl #2: Oh, she's doing great. Very centered and serious... She only does a couple of drugs.
--Phoenix Park, 67th b/w 2nd & 3rd
We've Learned to Embrace Our Bigotry
Ghetto Hispanic guy #1: So where are you ladies coming from?
Uninterested girl #1: That hipster party.
Ghetto Hispanic guy #2: Yo, we were there too!
Ghetto Hispanic guy #3: But ya'll probably didn't notice us 'cause we're Hispanic.
Uninterested girl #2: Yeah, that sounds like us.
--Lorillard & 189th
Models Are Easily Blinded With Science
European male model #1: You know, he's albino.
European male model #2: Albino?
European male model #1: Albino? Albeeno?
European male model #2: Oh, albeeno, I know what that is. Red eyes.
American male model #1: What the fuck? Blue eyes, man.
European male model #2: No, red. They don't have enough...
European male model #1: Ferment.
European male model #2: Yeah, not enough fermentation in their eyes. It's biology... That is biology.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Julie
Thwarted by Pants Again
Girl #1: I'm so glad I can say I saw Lea Michele's boob now.
Girl #2: I just wanted to see that guy's dick though. It was so close...
--Eugene O'Neil Theater
Headline by: ToddS
Runners-Up:
· "...I Could Taste It" - Ian
· "And All He Needs Is Another $10,000 to Finish the Operation" - davey j
· "And Then I Dropped the Magnifying Glass" - Fred
· "Close Encounters Of the Third Eye" - Erin
· "If His Pants Were Any Tighter, I Could Have Told You the Name Of His Rabbi." - Fia
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
By "It" I Mean the Horrible Shame and Crippling Loneliness
Pretty girl looking in mirror: My eyebrows are too small for my face.
Queer friend: My penis is too small for my ego. We learn to deal with it.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Climate Changer
No, But I Play One on TV
Clerk #1: Man, that's why medicine has a expiration date. The ingredients go inactive.
Clerk #2: Nigga, are you a licensed physician or somethin'?
--Blockbuster, Broadway & 93rd
A Much Better Way to Reach Out and Touch Myself
Boyfriend: My vibrator is a lot louder than yours.
Girlfriend: Really?
Boyfriend: Yeah, I'm switching to AT&T.
--PATH Train
Overheard by: Not From Jersey City
Wednesday One-Liners Jill Off
Music manager on phone: You know what you need? Lesbians! Everyone needs a lesbian.
--20th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: LoRna
Lady on cell: And now she thinks I'm a lesbian because I borrowed her...
--Union Square Greenmarket
Overheard by: borrowed her what?
Guy on cell: Did you bring chairs and a cooler? Cause usually lesbians are so prepared, they always bring chairs and a cooler.
--Ludlow near Rivington
English woman (trying on a pair of vintage men inspired shoes) to man: I always thought there was something very chic about a woman wearing a man's shoe. (looks at her footwear) But I have to be skinny for this look, otherwise I'll look like a lesbian!
--Frock Vintage Store
Overheard by: Shoegal
Guy to friend: She isn't a lesbian but she does own a house.
--13th & 1st
Wednesday Pun-Liners
Global teacher, about review packet: You must look at my package in order to see what's there!
--History Class, Bronx HS of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Woman in business suit on cell: Yeah, work is crazy right now because I have a big release coming out next week. (pauses) That's what he said.
--26th & Park
Overheard by: absnola
Lady in the audience: Which one is Patti LuPone?
--St. James Theater
Dorky older guy to female bank teller (smiling): I've got a really big deposit for you.
(teller looks down and starts laughing)
--Chase Bank, 24th & 7th
Overheard by: Joe
Timid Asian deli boy to deli owner: Excuse me, I don't know how to do number two.
--Deli, Union Square
Black waiter to Asian female customer: Enjoy your black balls.
--Ninja, Hudson St
Carrie Bradshaw Sucks at Wednesday One-Liners
NYU girl to friend: I mean, I hate him and it's making my hair fall out but I think our relationship really works.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Man to friend: She wanted to go to dinner on some kind of date shit. I wanna bring her to a bar and fuck her in the bathroom.
--G Train
Overheard by: Sarah
Fat chick to friends: I don't know. He moved. We weren't serious, you know? I mean how can you be serious with a man who wanted to move to an Indian reservation? (friends nod in approval) I mean why would you want to move to an Indian reservation anyway? It's like the projects... but in camp.
--Casa Mono
Overheard by: foodie
Girl on cell: Oh, so you really like this one. (pause) That's cool, where did he take you? (pause) Wow, he must be balling! That place is mad expensive, yo. (pause) What did you say his name was again? (pause, then hysterical laughing) Girl, I can't take anyone named Skip-to-my-Lou seriously!
--32nd St & 5th Ave
Boyfriend to girlfriend: Well, if I get sick of you I'll just find someone else!
--Movie Theater, 32nd & 8th
Overheard by: Happy I'm not his girlfriend.
Guy on train: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention? Sorry for bothering you, but I've been single for a year, and that shit's not popping... So, any donations of phone numbers, e-mail addresses, or MySpace pages would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and may god bless.
--C Train
Overheard by: gretchen
Now I Know My Wednesday One-Liners, Next Time Won't You Wednesday One-Liner With Me?
Little boy singing to mother: E is for druggies!
--R Train
Overheard by: Allegra
Crazy hobo: Take the V train! V is for vasectomy. Why take the crowded E train where all the lesbians will crush you?
--V Train Platform
Overheard by: Tom
Conductor: This is 14th Street. Transfer here for the L as in "lower level of hell".
--F Train
Overheard by: So True
Little boy playing with chopsticks: Look mom! (forms a V) V for Victoria! (forms an X) X for xylophone! (forms a T) and T for terrorist!
--Japanese Restaurant, 3rd & 25th
Conductor over loudspeaker: I know it's Saturday afternoon and all you people are mad confused because the trains are all messed up on weekends, so listen up: The W as in "Will you marry me?" will be running on the Q as in "cookie" line. And the R as in (goes in operatic singing voice) "rooooooooooomeooooooooooo" will be running normally for the rest of the weekend. Alright y'all... There you go. Enjoy your Saturday!
--Canal Street Subway Station
Overheard by: stfo
Spike Lee Encourages You to Get on the Wednesday One-Liners
Bus driver: Next stop... Moheegan Sun--I mean 5th Avenue.
--Crosstown 86th Bus
Chinatown bus driver: Does anyone know how to get to Chinatown?
--Chinatown Bus
Bus driver: Utopia, transfer to the... Hmmm, the Q, the Q, the Q tres y uno. For all you Americans that's the Q31.
--Q46 Bus
Bus driver as bus approaches 7th Ave: Next stop is 8th ave... or Broadway... or whatever street this is.
--M27 Bus
Overheard by: JoBell
Bus driver: Can you people please move back? It's really crowded on here, you might find your future wife or something.
--48 Bus, Staten Island
Overheard by: Patricia!
Cranky bus driver on extremely crowded bus: This is Central Park West, get off. I mean, have a nice day!
--M86 Bus
Overheard by: Cori
It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to friend: So last night I hit myself in the eye with my broom while baking lasagna, drunk.
--Blarney Stone Pub
Suit on cell: Oh man, you should definitely ice and elevate that shit.
--AMC Lowes, 68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jessica Segal
Man in wheelchair to woman pushing him: Remember when I hit that stroller head on and the kid passed out?
--33rd b/w 7th & 8th
Conductor on speaker: Please bring the first aid kit to car three, please bring the first aid kit to car three, a passenger has a bite.
--Train Leaving Penn Station
Teen to friend: And that's how I got my penis stuck in a pencil sharpener.
--Stuyvesant High School
Joan Rivers: Can We Wednesday One-Liner?
Suit on cell: So what does he think, he's going to, like, eat scrambled eggs with these people and then they'll sit down and talk about it?
--Shore Road, Brooklyn
Yankee fan: So, we was talkin' to him and we was all like: "Let's go to a bar!" And he was all like: "I like poetry" so the guys pretty much ditched him, so I was left with 'im, and had to talk about his feelings and shit. It sucked.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: I like poetry.
Religious flier nut to friend: We can't talk about that out here because then they'll know what we're about.
--Delancey and Ludlow
Overheard by: Adrienne
Student (shouting): Okay, everyone: I'm doing this whole "day of silence" business so none of you better talk to me! I'm not supposed to say anything and I will be so pissed if anyone of you trick me into talking!
--Millennium High School
Overheard by: I'm staying silent...
Hysterical teenage girl on bus: Well, maybe you should have talked about it before you conceived me!
--M34 Bus
Overheard by: nina
Curly-haired chick on cell: I'm glad I can talk to you about my pubes with such ease.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Nipples McFreaky
Wednesday One-Liner Are Better Than "Teen Spirit"
Lively black man: My sense of smell is back. I can smell pussy again!
--LIRR
Overheard by: meg
Black girl on cell: ...you know it smells like straight bootymeat!
--Times Square
Overheard by: patrick
Obese black woman wearing skin-tight World's #1 Dad t-shirt: This train smells like urine.
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: World's #2 Dad
Guy on cell: Baby, all I'm saying is when you came home last night, you smelled like another dude!
--107th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: HuntingSnark
Woman to male friend: I'll just have to call you "anus breath" from now on.
--Jewish Theological Seminary, 122nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Sticking to mouthwash from now on
Woman: I smell dick. (licks her hand, sniffs it) Sho 'nuff!
--R Train
Let's Talk About Wednesday One-Liner, Baby
Serious tween girl: I wanna get my braces off. I'll be able to chew gum and be sexually active.
--1 Train
Old Italian man to young, really drunk Asian date outside of a restaurant: So, you wanna eat or you wanna fuck?
--17th & 7th
20-something girl on cell: So we get done and he's like: "That was amazing. I don't even want to know where you learned to do that." Is that a rhetorical question? Seriously, am I supposed to answer that?
--LIRR
Girl to friend: But I didn't mean to have sex with him!
--Washington Square Park
Hot bald guy: I would have thought hurried bathroom-floor sex to have little ambiguity.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Woman to mailman: I never reported my mailman, and I was banging him!
--68th St b/w Lexington & Park Avenue
Wednesday One-Liners Are So Archaic and Bourgeoise
20-something woman to friend: Man, can I just tell you how absolutely bizarre coffee shop conversations are in this area?! I am never ever getting married if this is the sort of stuff married women talk about all day.
--Smith & Bergan
Overheard by: Mako Shark
30-something to older woman: I can't get married yet! I haven't experienced even... half of the women in the world yet!
--86th & Broadway
Overheard by: Carol
Tween boy getting into the face of another tween boy: (loudly) I'll be your fucking wife!
--Morgan's Market
Overheard by: Akiko
Little boy: We saw a peanut marrying a princess!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: blue
Girl to friends: I think my husband's gonna divorce me now that gay marriage is legal.
--N10th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Non Hipster
Woman in a wedding dress and veil, on cell: Yeah, I got kicked out.
--Penn Station
WOLing Me Softly
Grandma to kid: It's really hard to kill people, you know.
--West Village
(20-something sits down and stretches his arms out in a yawn)
Man sitting one seat away: If you touch my leg I'll kill you.
--1 Train
Middle-aged beefcake on phone: Oh yeah? Well he's not trying anymore because he's dead.
--42nd & Lex
Overheard by: bildita
Suit on cell: He was a great guy, until he decided to kill someone.
--Smith & Wollensky
Loud woman on payphone (very angrily): Well what the fuck am I supposed to do with her? Mausoleum? What? What the fuck?
--96th & Madison
Overheard by: grateful undead
Seven-year-old black boy: I'm goin' to Iraq, to kill Obama!
--125th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: The Drummey
Wednesday One-Liners You Can Take Home to Mom
20-something gal: I didn't really like him, I just wanted a boyfriend.
--Fulton & Gold
Overheard by: Craig, Marykate and Maryanne
20-something girl on cell: What, my boyfriend? Oh, he's with his wife tonight.
--Remsen & Clinton, Brooklyn
Flamboyantly gay man (to himself): He's just jealous because I have a new boyfriend!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Liz
French woman, earnestly: I'm okay with him sleeping with my boyfriend as long as he starts paying for his own drinks.
--1020 Bar, 110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Hipster bike punk: I call her my special lady friend and she calls me her gentlemen caller... because boyfriend and girlfriend are too possessive.
--Mud Bar, East Village
Overheard by: raf
The Janitor Should Get to It in a Couple of Days
Younger kid: Damn, look at all the puddles of water in here.
Older kid: Look like hurricane Katrina hit this bitch.
(younger kid laughs)
Older kid: Niggas from New Orleans swimmin in the water and shit.
--Macy's Bathroom
Overheard by: Anon
Why James Dean Wouldn't Be Able to Get Laid Today
Punk girl: Can I get a cigarette?
Punk boy: You don't smoke, do you?
Punk girl: No.
Punk boy: You just wanted a fucking excuse to talk to me, didn't you?
Punk girl: Not anymore, arrogant cocksucker. (walks away)
Punk boy: Wait! I changed my mind! Come back, I have a cigarette!
--St Mark's Place
The Coppertone Girl's Mom Knew a Moneymaker When She Saw One
Mother: Do you sell M&M booty shorts for little girls?
Cashier: Um... No.
Mother: Oh well... thank you.
--M&M's World
The Don't-Go-Commando-in-Borrowed-Clothes Rule
Preppy girl: Come on, you have to go with us.
Athletic girl: I can't, remember I don't have a bra on and I have Lynn's shirt.
--Cafeteria, Queens College
Overheard by: Waiting for time to pass.
Babies Are Notoriously Resistant to Spin Control
Overzealous new mother to oblivious young infant: This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none.
Infant: Wahhhhh!!!!
Mother: No, no, no! It's ok! That little piggy didn't want roast beef! He was offered it but he turned it down. Maybe that little piggy is vegan! Yeah! Maybe he's vegan! Don't cry!
--NJ Transit
Panda Bears Go Through This on a Daily Basis
Girl #1: I can't go out with him. He's fat.
Girl #2: So are you.
Girl #1: Really? Oh... yeah.
--Applebee's, Times Square
Overheard by: eee!
She Quickly Became the Most Popular Children's Birthday Clown on the East Coast
Bimbette #1: No, but according to her I can shit cupcakes.
Bimbette #2: Ohhhh. (long pause) You never know when that'll come in handy.
--76th & 1st
Overheard by: thewallpaperblonde
Just Don't Call It the "Black Plague"
Student #1: You know in French they have Ebonics too.
Student #2: Like creole?
Student #1: Yeah.
Student #3: Ebonics, I thought that was some sort of disease, like bubonic.
Student #2: Dude! What the hell?
Student #3: What do I know? I'm an engineer.
--Columbia University Athletics Van
Overheard by: Barnard student
I've Always Wanted to Be a Master Baker
Teenage girl #1 (talking about an upcoming exam): I plan on baking some cupcakes tonight and giving them to Mr Collins* to bribe him.
Teenage girl #2: Good plan... I plan on baking him a handjob.
Teenage girl #1: He seems like a cupcake kind of guy. And a handjob kind of guy.
--Brooklyn Friends School
Overheard by: sounds delicious
I Have No Defense Against High and Malevolent Intelligence
Columbia nerd: I feel weird just knocking on the door and asking if he's there.
Friend: That's not weird though?
Columbia nerd: But they're all hipsters and full of attitude and judgment. Those people intimidate me.
--Columbia University Campus
Overheard by: Mark Hussa
Kinda Difficult to Write About Donkey Punching Without It
NYU dude #1: What sources did you use for the final?
NYU dude #2: Urbandictionary.com.
NYU dude #1: Awesome.
--Washington Square South
Overheard by: Lezbotron
And a Hero to Generations of Date Rapists
Father, to daughter with Disney princess backpack: And who kisses sleeping beauty?
Daughter: The prince.
Father: He was a pretty lucky guy then, right?
--New Wave Diner, 79th & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Few Rockettes Look Like Steve Buscemi
Middle-aged male: I knew a Rockette once -not on a real personal basis, but we knew each other.
Friend: Oh, really?
Middle-aged male: Yeah... Well anyway, she got hit by a bus. She's doin' alright now but I mean, she's not a Rockette anymore.
--Outside Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: alicia rose
Affirmations for Stupid People Causes More Trouble
(guy runs by, slams into black girl on his way to make his train)
Black girl: Excuuuuuuuse you!
Guy: I'm on fire!
--L Train
Overheard by: clitoris rex
I'm Not Even Pale and Hairy!
Lab girl #1: Oh my god! I'm so excited, I just got a Christmas tree yesterday!
Lab girl #2: Really?
Lab girl #1: Yeah, it's decorated with candy canes and everything... God, I'm like the worst Jew in the world.
--Columbia Medical Center Lab
Once Again, You Miss the Point, Raoul
Cute girl: And ew! I can't believe she slept with her brother!
Attractive, fashionable queer: I know! And he isn't even that cute.
--St Mark's Place
Overheard by: paul
And You Saw What That Did to the Girl on Felicity!
Girl running from her mother: You can't catch me!
Mom running after her: Aw helllllll no! You keep runnin' and I'm gonna cut your hair off when we get home!
--Halsey and Wycoff, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mary Beth
The Bluebirds Who Usually Do It Have the Day Off
Punk girl: So he said he really wants to get me really drunk again.
Punk friend: Why?
Punk girl: Because he said I'm as cute as a Care Bear.
Friend: What the hell does that mean?
Girl: Um, who cares? That's so sweet... and I didn't even sleep with him for it. Now help me push up my tits.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Ingss
More Like "Die, Bitch!", But Close Enough
20-something chick #1: Theresa hasn't responded to that e-mail yet.
20-something chick #2: Is that the one where we told her we don't like her?
--Sephora, 58th & Lex
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Billy Joel: "Hey!"
Girlfriend: I just don't get it. Dan* can be such a nice guy, such a sweetheart. And then other times, he's Satan. Something must have happened to him when he was a child.
Boyfriend: He's from Long Island.
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Not from Long Island
In Unrelated News, Aren't You Glad We're Ditching Bio Again?
Middle school kid #1: Why do they call it "PMS"?
Middle school kid #2: I dunno.
Middle school kid #1: Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
(hilarious laughter ensues)
Middle school kid #2: That's so funny. (pause) What's "PMS"?
Middle school kid #1: I think it's "Post Mental Syndrome" You know, when you dry up and can't have babies.
--R Train
From That Day on Conan the Vegitarian Was Never the Same.
Guy: Hey, do they have vegan food here?
Girl: No, you have to rip the meat apart with your bare hands and then fuck some bitches.
--NYU Dining Hall
Headline by: Spazzy
Runners-Up:
· "After Dinner, We Invade the Roman Empire" - billsburg boy
· "And Then You Lose Your Veganity..." - Stick
· "Most Aggressive Lunch Lady--Ever" - #5 in line
· "NYU Also Provides Us with Spears and Roofies." - presents
· "NYU's New Wildly Popular Caveman Dining Unit" - Naked Lunch
· "Unless You're Patrick Bateman and Want to Reverse Those" - KateNonymous
· "We're All Lesbian Cavegirls in College" - Dariclone
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
He Just Fell Off My Radar Screen
Gay #1: Oh em gee, the cashier is like üober-hot.
Gay #2: I know, right?
(they both look at the cashier)
Gay #1: Sucks he's a total straighty.
Gay #2: Well, at least he has a nice ass.
Gay #1: Yeah, I guess.
--Union Square American Eagle
Overheard by: Figs
At Least It Complements Your Syrupy Sweetness
Woman in stall #1: I hate it when this happens!
Woman in stall #2: What?
Woman in stall #1: These pants! They looked so nice but they flatten my ass. My ass is flat now. I look like pancake ass!
--Fitting Room, Staten Island
Since the Third Person Never Showed
Ghetto boy: Wait, you two had a threesome?
Ghetto girl #1: It was mad awkward, yo!
Ghetto girl #2: Fo' reals!
--Atlantic & Hoyt
A Perfectly Rational Response to a Man Coming Down Your Chimney
Woman #1: What's wrong with Eddie*?
Woman #2: Oh, Eddie* gets claustrophobic in the city.
Little boy: That means he's afraid of Santa Claus!
--39th St & 6th Ave
Nothing Like Being Double-Teamed by the Classics
Drunk customer: What kind of drunk return policy do you have?
Cashier: It's a 14-day return policy.
Drunk customer: That's not much of a drunk policy. Most guys get drunk and wake up next to women they regret the next day. Me? I wake up next to Dostoievsky and Dickens after a bender. I love New York!
--Barnes & Noble, Park Slope
Overheard by: Random
The Invisible Hand Behind All New York's Debauchery
Girl: Alright, well, this is my stop, I gotta go.
Friend: (shouting from open doors) Okay, but don't say I didn't try to warn you! He's got a tiny-ass dick and he sure as hell don't know how to use it!
--1 Train
Overheard by: liz
Real Life Is Fuzzy by Comparison
Woman: You know, the only shots Beth* will take are jello shots. She loves them!
Friend: Oh, that's hilarious.
Woman: I know, I mean she's 93 years old and still hopping. She loves the high-def television.
--B.L.T Prime, E. 22nd St
Overheard by: cracking up by the coat check
What Those Perky Weather People Really Say During Commercials
Wife: It's raining outside.
Husband: It isn't. They're playing storm sound effects.
Wife: I can see the street from here. It's raining.
Husband: Why do you go out of your way to prove me wrong every single moment?
--Hilton Theatre Lobby
Raise Your Hand If You Wish You'd Been There
20-something tall black bellhop: I challenge you, right now, to a salsa dance-off.
70-year-old short Latino bellhop: Go get a radio.
--Peninsula Hotel
Overheard by: Carol
Makes Me Nauseous
Old lady: You spelled "candle" wrong.
Employee: What?
Old lady: You spelled "candle" wrong on one of your signs. Give me a piece of paper and I'll fix it for you.
Employee: It's okay.
Old lady (getting extremely angry): No, it is not okay. This is inappropriate and you need to fix it.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: just buying some shampoo
First a Tip... Then the Whole Shaft
Guy: What makes you think the guy she likes is gay?
Girl: He's a bartender in a gay bar. But he says it's only because they tip better.
--Cosi, 13th & Broadway
He Said It with an Ominous Voice and a Mr. Burns Finger-Touch
Elderly woman on stretcher: Is the ambulance heated?
Handlebar-mustached ambulance driver: Yes.
Elderly woman on stretcher: I'm gonna freeze to death.
Handlebar-mustached ambulance driver (smiling, tenderly): No, you're gonna sweat to death.
--63rd b/w Park & Lexington
Overheard by: Paul Tabachneck
Oh, Sorry--Didn't Know You Were on the Phone
Black dude following girl: Hey man, check out that ass! Look at that ass! That's some fine ass. Look at that ass.
Black chick being followed: (into her phone) Hold on. (turns to man) Nigga, go away!
--Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: Ivan
And That Chocolate Milk Was Hardcore
Guy to bartender (about friend standing next to him): I could barely get this guy to drink last night!
Friend: Dude! I was driving!
--Barcelona Bar
Overheard by: Friend for Drunk Driving
It Was on the Guido Licensing Exam!
Boyfriend: It's called Taormina.
Girlfriend: Tromina?
Boyfriend: No, Taormina.
Girlfriend: Tarmina?
Boyfriend: No, tah-or-min-ah.
Girlfriend: Ta-roh-min-ah?
Boyfriend: How can you not say this? We're fucking Italian!
--Mulberry St, Little Italy
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