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Carrot Top?
Bearded guy #1: Wow! Two Quakers on one train! We could start a riot.
Bearded guy #2: Or whatever the opposite of a riot is.
--Metro North Hudson Line
Well, Sometimes We Toast Them.
Waiter from Minnesota: Yeah, check it out! Minnesota is the 2nd healthiest-eating state!
Bartender from Brooklyn: What do you eat in Minnesota?
Waiter: Well, there are a lot of Scandinavians there so we eat like, you know, sandwiches.
Bartender: (silence)
Waiter: What?
Bartender: You're actually serious, aren't you?
--Greenwich Ave & 7th Ave
Overheard by: TrigStarr
That's the Only Proof You Ever Had Sex?
Creepy guy: I was in Japan and went on this rampage and slept with this woman who was 38 and had a kid and was married. Her husband had a bad back and couldn't have sex with her, but he was fully aware I was sleeping with her. I was kind of doing him a favor.
Creepy guy's date: Did he watch?
Creepy guy: No, but he wanted us to videotape it. So somewhere in Japan there's a video of me doing it with an older woman.
--Park Slope
Eh, the Whole Country Was Roofied in 2000 and Then Again in 2004
Trendy girl #1: So, I'm fairly sure I was roofied this weekend.
Trendy girl #2: (mildly interested) Oh?
Trendy girl #1: Yeah, but he was tall, rich and handsome, so I guess it could be worse, right?
(trendy girl #2 nods and shrugs)
--Midtown Office Elevator
His Morning Wood Is a Bonsai
Big Guido, yelling at female bystanders after minor traffic accident: Why don't you shut the fuck up and get something to do... go suck a dick somewhere!
Woman bystander: Well, I'd suck you if you weren't so small...
--55th & Madison
Overheard by: kerstin
From the Long-Awaited Ernest Goes to ESL
Girl to old man in baseball cap: What does the "E" on your hat stand for?
Old man: (unintelligible)
Girl: The "E"? What does it stand for?
Old man: (unintelligible)
Black lady observing scene: E stands for the English he don't speak.
--A Train
Overheard by: Brenda
Was That the Beginning of a Haiku?
Strange Latino man to girl: Excuse me, but I was wondering, do you like poetry?
Girl: (stares for a moment) Um, vomit.
--104th St & Broadway
Other than a pig, of course
Pudgy tourist mom to sulking pudgy son: You're not getting it, you're not getting it!
Pudgy tourist dad to sulking pudgy son: We're going to a nice restaurant, you are not gonna be an animal!
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: wants to know what the kid wanted
They're So Cute Before They Learn to Cuss
(random guy trips over three-year-old girl's stroller)
Guy: Oops, I'm sorry, honey.
Three-year-old girl in stroller: Don't call me honey!
--Atlantic Ave Station
Overheard by: Michael
The Sane Are Held to a Higher Standard
(hip girl yells in excitement)
Old woman on street: Grow up!
Hip girl to friend: God! Homeless people spend all day screaming on the street and no one tells them too grow up.
Hip friend: Yeah, it's not your fault that your dad's a republican.
--School of Visual Arts
Overheard by: dobby
Just Like I Only Make Fun of Blacks For the Color of Their Skin
Salesman: Ah, so soly. Mr. Wong not in today.
Saleswomen: My boyfriend's Asian. Don't make fun of them.
Salesman: I'm not making fun of them. I'm making fun of the way they talk.
--Sales Department, SoHo
Like a Sloppy French Manicure
Biotech #1: Oh my god, there is no way she weighs 123 pounds. She is so fat!
Biotech #2: Oh my god I know! It's ridiculous.
Biotech #1 (later): I hate it when people misuse the term "Kafkaesque". It's so annoying.
Biotech #2: I know, right? Postmodernism sucks.
--Good Restaurant, Greenwich Ave
Hoping to Recapture the Life She Had Before Me and You
Little girl: Where's mommy?
Father: I told you, sweetie. Mommy's getting her new tattoo.
--10 St & 6th Ave
..now give me a kiss
Girl: Oh my god, I have to go the bathroom again.
Boy: I think you have a problem: you pee a lot.
Girl: Actually, I don't pee. I have a thing for public restrooms. I like to lick the toilet seat.
Boy: That's the last time I share a drink with you!
--Ludlow & Houston
Plus, He's Slightly More Company Than a Dildo
Guy: So she doesn't even like him?
Girl: No.
Guy: Well then, why does she stay with him?
Girl: I asked her that too. She said "He's got a twelve inch cock and he doesn't hit me. I'm stayin'!"
--Rivington & Allen
Overheard by: Jonathan
At Penn Station's Stereotype Lost-and-Found
Queer to friend: Never again! If I ever have to do that again, I'll stab myself in the face! (turns to Asian lady on escalator behind him) Hi! Don't kill yourself!
Asian lady: I probably should...
--Penn Station
It Was the Moustache
Bum #1, slurring: Hey! That's a nice shirt you got!
Bum #2, walking across the crosswalk, also slurring: You look like a catfish! [Turns to guy in a car.] Doesn't he look like a damn catfish!?
--12th St & 8th Ave
But You Should Probably Stop Doing the Two-Hand Point
Preppy kid: It's all fucking Guidos in this place.
Guido: You calling me a fuckin' Guido?
Preppy kid: (sarcastically) Nooo. No, you're no Guido. Where's your gold chain?
Guido: My cousin ripped it off in a fight.
Preppy kid: Yeah, you're definitely not a Guido.
--China Club
Overheard by: 13Atlantic
Where Noses and Powder Go Together Implicitly
Teenage girl #1: When I was little, my mom told me that whenever I had to go to the bathroom, I should say "Excuse me, I have to go powder my nose." But when I said it to my kindergarten teachers they didn't understand what I meant.
Teenage girl #2: That's because your kindergarten teachers, unlike your mom, weren't bitchy, uptight wasps.
Teenage girl #1: Yeah, I know. That's why I go to private school now.
--Terminal 5
At Least Our Mayor Speaks English
New Yorker #1: I had to tell my kid when she went to college in Boston that nowhere else could compare to New York, to just find the best of where you are.
New Yorker #2: Yeah, I always found Boston to be provincial.
--6 Train
Yeah, My Long-Term Goal Is a Solid-Gold Shroud
Daughter: This is a really nice dress for my first wedding, no?
Mother: Well, for the next one you will have more money, so you can get something even nicer.
--77th & Madison
Do You Fog Your Mother With That Mouth?
Exterminator, running late: Hey, sorry, but I was doin' this guy in the Village -I was foggin' him and bombin' him, the whole nine yards...
Client, snickering: Wish we could get that kind of service here.
Exterminator, oblivious: Well see, he pays extra...
--106th St & Broadway
I Managed to Struggle to the Surface Often Enough to Get Air
Fat woman #1, at intermission: Man, these seats are tight!
Fat woman #2: Oh my god, tell me about it! My butt is killing me!
Fat woman #1, to skinny guy sitting in between them: Was I spilling over into your seat?
Skinny guy: You both were.
--New Amsterdam Theatre
Overheard by: Ali
Luckily I'm Skilled in the Procedures for Reviving Them
EMT driver woman #1: Oooh... That dog is so cute!
EMT driver woman #2: Hmm, he is cute.
EMT driver woman #1: Sometimes I wish I had a dog instead of a child, cuz when the child grows up, they start talking, and then you just wanna knock 'em out!
--Jackson Heights
At the Poopy Booby Bagel Company
Girl #1: Hey look! (whispering) It says "poopy" right there.
Girl #2: (goes to the counter and looks at the sign) That doesn't say "poopy"! It says "poppy"!
Girl #1: Really!? Oh my god! That's so funny!
Girl #2: At first I thought you said they were "booby bagels".
--Bay Ridge Ave & 4th Ave
Overheard by: Azzerrr
Armored Bears Are Really a Last Resort
Small child in yarmulke: Mom, why are the bears in armor fighting?
Mother in stockings and wig: I don't know why, but that's not very nice. Jews don't do this, we solve our problems by talking.
--AMC Theatre
Overheard by: bryan
But at Least He Has an Alter Ego to Blame
Girl, about spiderman 3: It was a great movie if you wanted to see how to be the world's worst boyfriend. All he cared about was himself. I mean, how could he have been so stupid? He...
Guy: You know, it's not always the guy's fault.
Girl: But it was! Were we watching the same movie?
Guy: I can't believe we're arguing about whose fault it was that Peter and Mary Jane broke up.
Girl: It was his fault.
--Union Square
She Has a Nice Asian Personality
Female bartender: I forgot to tell you, I hired a new bartender. She will be here tonight.
Male bartender: Oh. Is she cute?
Female bartender: Well... She's Asian.
Male bartender: Oh. Asian Asian or cute Asian?
Female bartender: Ehhh... you know.
--Broadway Theater
I Love That Photo Where She's Holding the Thesaurus Between Her Thighs
Girl #1: Well, she does all that work for Playboy -which I really admire.
Girl #2: Yeah. And I like her because she's a little dorky.
Girl #1: Totally.
--9th St & 3rd Ave
Don't Worry-- It's for Purely Sexual Purposes
Woman: Someone told me that there was a dead squirrel around here.
Sanitation woman: Don't worry, we threw it away.
Woman: Oh. Do you know where? I'd like to have it.
--Washington Square Park South
Overheard by: Biebs
I'm Talking to the Tenant, Not the Apartment
Brunette (looking at her crotch): Helllllllooooooo!?
Blonde: Are you talking to your vagina?
Brunette: No, my chlamydia.
Blonde: I think you're talking to your vagina.
--Blockheads, 50th & 9th
Overheard by: Shirley
I'd Eat Gym Socks If They Were Breaded and Fried
(teenage lovers on city bus)
Teenage girl: Was that an eggplant sandwich I saw you eating?
Teenage boy: Yes, it was actually eggplant Parmesan.
Teenage girl: But, you don't even like eggs.
--SI City Bus
Don't Do It in Front of Witnesses
Little boy to dad (pointing at subway): Daddy, is that a big trash can?
Daddy: No.
Little boy: I'm going to throw trash in it.
--6 Train
Overheard by: reL
The Creation of the Prostitution Merit Badge
(in front of national HQ of Girl Scouts of America)
Construction worker #1: Do you see all the rich marble they used on this building?
Construction worker #2: Yeah. They sure had to sell a lot of fuckin' cookies to afford it.
--37th St b/w 5th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: dodgerswill
Headline by: C.J.
Runners-Up:
· "Actually, the United States Thin Mint Just Prints Them Money" - Lauren
· "I'll Take 7,954,300,348,000 Boxes Of Thin Mints Please!" - Eino Hill
· "It's Actually Constructed Of Stale Do-Si-Dos and the Corpses Of Girls Who Didn't Reach Their Quota" - Matthew K. Johnson
· "The Building Was Funded by an Anonymous Benefactor, on the Condition That It Be Built on Sesame Street." - James
· "The Reason They Added Heroin to Thin Mints" - ILOVEThinMints
· "Turning Tricks Is for Kids" - Qasar
· "You Should See the Boy Scouts Of America HQ... Don't Ask What They Sold." - fox
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Because He Sure Dances Like It
NYU guy: Jake* has problems.
NYU girl: Does he have polio?
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: Shanaca
The Angry Anorexics on the Train Were Too Weak to Attack Them
Hipster girl to boyfriend: And she was like this huge ass chick with this little tiny dude! And I was just like: "Yeah! Size like... doesn't fuckin' matter!"
Hipster boyfriend: I totally know!
--F Train
Overheard by: mark alan
Your Editors Hope a Knowledgeable Reader Will Explain This to Us
Bald construction guy: Dude, if you fell down while she was going down on you, I probably would have peed all over her. (swinging motion with hand at crotch area) Oooohhhh.
Suit: Oh my god, if you did that I would have started peeing on her too.
--Pizza Wagon, 86th Street
Overheard by: Trying to Enjoy my Lunch over here
Engorged, Throbbing Wednesday One-Liners
Woman to another: Eat the penis, Danielle, eat the penis.
--New Jersey Transit train out of Penn Station
Overheard by: Tootles McGee
Black guy: Yo! Where my penis at?
--Bergenline Bus
Overheard by: Don't know how he lost it to begin with
Guy with big dog to girlfriend: Is my cock straight?
--12th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Amanda
Five-year-old son to father helping him ride a bicycle, seeing wooden posts out of the water: Daddy, is that a huge penis?
--South Seaport
Female suit: Their penises don't care!
--Times Square
Hobo: I'm the unluckiest son of a bitch I know! If it were raining vaginas, I'd get hit in the head with a penis.
--5th Ave
Girl on cell: That's good... Did you like the peen? The peen? Did you like the penis, mother? The penis? Oh good, I though you would.
--9th & Prospect Park
Overheard by: Other Side of the Fence
Wednesday One-Liners May Not Be Suitable for All Audiences
Ex-girlfriend about ex-boyfriend: I mean, he's not exactly the kind of person to say: "I hear there's a really great documentary about genocide playing at the film forum."
--Café near NYU
Overheard by: robin
Chick with Super-8 to random stranger: Excuse me, would you mind being the pickpocket in our silent film?
--The Montauk Club
Overheard by: torchwood lesbian
Man on phone: I wanna watch it in June so I can watch it stoned... Watching Harold and Kumar not stoned is like eating bread without butter!
--Train to Grand Central
Girl: Indiana Jones is what type of movie? Is it a life movie?
--43rd Street and 8th Ave
Overheard by: Ferris
Girl to friend: Did you get it? There were like a lot of metaphors in that movie, like label versus no label.
--Chelsea Clearview Cinema, after Midnight Showing of the Sex & The City Movie
Girl to boyfriend: If I don't like movies about belts, am I going to like this movie?
--Smith & Wyckoff, Brooklyn
I'd Give an Arm and a Leg for a Wednesday One-Liner
Young society reject to same: You're the psycho-freak out! You touch people's ears at random!
--AMC Theatre at Lincoln Center
Overheard by: G-Lime
A woman to friend: My friend just became a manicurist. She had her first client today and she only has one hand.
--Forham University
Woman almost forgetting her sunglasses: I would lose my ass if it wasn't attached to my neck!
--A Train
Overheard by: Don
Student: I think the guy selling cell phones on the street made off with my uterus.
--Touro College of Osteopathis, Harlem
Coworker to another: You have thighs now. When you came here, you had no thighs.
--1250 Broadway
Suit #1 to suit #2: He has the feet of a nine-year-old girl!
--44th & Lexington
Wednesday One-Liners Totally Moved There Before It Was Cool
Bearded guy to female friend: I went to Williamsburg and was like: "Who *are* all these people that look just like me?
--Café Pick Me Up, 9th & Ave A
Overheard by: Doibles
Young hipster: I only date girls from the Lower East Side or Williamsburg.
--9th St & Ave A
Overheard by: bildita
NYU girl to friend: Berlin is like, the new, like... Williamsburg.
--4th Ave & 12th St
Overheard by: john.ainley
Young girl: I'm Middle Eastern, and I swear to god if I see another honky wearing a keffiyeh I'm going to commit fucking Jihad on Williamsburg.
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Visitor, looking around in bewilderment: Why is everyone trying to look like they're poor?
--Bagel Shop, Williamsburg
Overheard by: NCT
Wednesday One-Winers
Amazed thugette: You know you ain't in the hood, 'cause it says "Wine & Spirits!"
--12th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Toto
Box office employee: I bought this really awesome bottle of wine and I was like: "Oh, I'm going to make really amazing pasta with vegetables and bullets in it and glass and blood and it'll be fantastic." But then I didn't.
--Pearl Theatre
Overheard by: Mariah
Middle aged white guy: Yeah, you can get cheap wine in Harlem, but who wants to get a massage there?
--Thai Restaurant
Belligerent toddler to mom making purchase: That's not enough wine, mom! That's not enough wiiiine!
--International Wine & Spirits, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McF
Hipster to his date: It's like in the old DC Comics. Superman, you know, his weakness was Kryptonite, but there wasn't just green Kryptonite. In the old DC Comics there was green, red, blue Kryptonite, all colors of the rainbow. Green Kryptonite killed him, but with the others, like, blue Kryptonite transferred his powers to someone else or something like that. Red turned him evil. All these different colors of Kryptonite had different properties. And that's how wine is with me. Every glass of wine, I don't know what I'm going to get... That analogy was not so great.
--Hope & Anchor Diner, Red Hook
Overheard by: AeC
Hey, Wednesday One-Liners Can Dream, Can't They?
Old man: Hah! I fell asleep at her funeral!
--3rd Ave, b/w 10th & 11th
Overheard by: j
Man to woman: Hey you! You were in my dream last night. You, myself and a bunch of people in the office were having an orgy on a mattress right in front of our office. At first it was great, but then it became awkward because people kept walking into the office and we got in their way.
--34th St & 6th Ave
Man with French accent on cell: Do we have room for her, or will she have to sleep in the dungeon?
--32nd & Broadway
Overheard by: LC
(guy is woken up by a friend after falling asleep on the train)
Guy: You dude, why you wake me up! I was having the best dream. There was shorties everywhere. There was shorties in trees and shit!
--2 Train
Conductor: For all of you running late, we are being delayed by another train with the emergency break on. Or you could tell 'em you just slept in today.
--D Train
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Wednesday One-Liners--No Apologies Necessary
Suit on cell: I swear, I'm going to make her the sorriest crippled girl in New York.
--Avenue C
Hipster on iPhone: Hello? I'm sorry. I can't hear you--I have an iPhone.
--6th & 27th
Hipster girl to out-of-town friend: Sorry about the smell, this area just recently gentrified.
--Orchard Street b/w Broome & Grand
Loud, drunk, British girl to boyfriend: We don't know each other's minds -we can't read each other's minds! So when you do something I don't like and I tell you and then later you do something I don't like and I tell you again... Well that's two sorries in one day! And "sorry" is just a word, but you're learning about me! About my mind.
--Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: rpk
Woman on cell: Oh sorry, I have to go. Remember that woman that got pregnant by a bear? Yeah, I just ran into her.
--Astor Place
Dominican to friend: And just wait until I tell them all he's Dominican... he'll really be sorry then!
--5th Ave, near Empire State Building
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
No Wednesday One-Liners in the Champagne Room
Soccer mom: In two weeks, my knitting circle's going to the strip club.
--28th & Lex
Girl: I want to become a stripper so that I can see Patti LuPone in Gypsy every night.
--St. James Theatre
Overheard by: Erin
Loud NYU chick: Listen to the opening guitar riff of Voodoo child. It makes you want to be a stripper!
--Bobst Library
Overheard by: evil em
Six-year-old boy to parents: Oohh! Zombie strippers! Let's see that!
--Port Authority
What Day Do the Wednesday One-Liners Come Out?
Patron: Do these stairs go up?
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Maura
Drunk White Sox fan to passerby: Hey, what time does Times Square close?
--Outside Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: giovanna
Dude at the next table: Is Long Island really an island?
--Peter Luger's, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Yes, he really just said that
(girl sees poster for Army Wives and turns to friend)
Girl: I don't get that show. Are they married to army dudes or something?
--C Train
Southern lady: Empire State ReBuilding? Does that mean they're moving it?
--33rd & 5th
Overheard by: Katie Mainc
"You're Gonna Like the Way You Wednesday One-Liner. I Guarantee It."
Suit on cell, running: Oh shit! Oh shit! I told you! The monks are after me!
--Central Park
Overheard by: walking with bagel
Midtown suit: I'm the fucking Vice President. I shouldn't have to crawl under my desk four times a day.
--Passing MSG
Overheard by: coasts
Suit on cell: I don't really know... No, I definitely don't remember his name. I was kind of drunk.
--48th & Lex
Suit: Well, they had voices then.
--Outside Sardi's
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Suit on cell: No, I told you to sell, sell, sell! This is important! Listen to me! Wait! Hold on, I have someone important on the other line. (takes out some chapstick, takes his time to smear his lips with it, then gets back to phone) So, where was I..?
--N Train, Queens
Overheard by: Zazaplaza
Bone Wednesday-One-Liners-N-Harmony
Gay thug: I better be able to attend the motherfuckin' flower show or I'm going to hit someone.
--1 Train
Thug: Man, he told us not to add more sugar but we put more sugar in that sauce. Shit was panty-droppin, son.
--Deli, 21st St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Ryn
Thug, in high-pitched voice and flailing arms, while running across the street in front of oncoming UPS truck: Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
--45th St & 8th Ave
Thug, to friend: That shit done tore my heart!
--N Train
Puerto Rican thug: Au revoir, here is my choo-choo train.
--F Train Platform
Overheard by: Garuda
Wednesday One-Liners Like to Watch
Girl on phone: This is so crazy because I was just watching Gossip Girl and I was like: "Oh my god, no one has dinner at Butter!" But then you just called me and invited me to dinner at Butter! It's totally out of control.
--Barnard College
Man: The Tudors is like Law & Order for British actors. If you can't get a job anywhere else, there's always that.
--Cort Theater
Overheard by: office peon
Young man to friend: It's called Tudor Place. Hey, you know that show on showtime, The Tudors? Maybe it's that family and they moved over here. Because the buildings do look old.
--Bryant Park
Hipster: I watched Lost one time. I watched Lost one time! A big monsoon was coming and some dude closed a door on it. Closed a door on the monsoon! I was like: "Fuck this, I'm done."
--Outside an Irish Pub, 54th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: jon
Soccer mom: Charles in Charge was a consistently good show.
--51st St & 8th Ave
Whomever Can Best Draw This Diagram Wins Our Everlasting Respect
Girl to friend (about guy with camera behind her): His dick is digging into my back!
Guy to friend (oblivious to what girl said): My camera lens is digging into her ass!
--The Crazy Donkey, Broadhollow Road
Overheard by:
More Than Just a Wednesday One-Liner
Roommate #1: I gotta get out of this stupid city!
Roommate #2: Why, man?
Roommate #1: Man, I gotta get out of this stupid... This stupid state!
Roommate #2: Why?
Roommate #1: I hate this city! I hate everything on the East Coast! Everyone here is so stupid! They do stupid things like... They have stupid days like... Like Wednesdays!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: nooners knows that las vegas doesn't have wednesdays
So I'm Your Dad
Boy #1: Suck my dick!
Boy #2: Fuck you!
Boy #1: Suck my dick! I had sex with your mother (long pause) she had... a little baby!
--Graham Ave & Ainslie St, Williamsburg
Shouldn't There Be a Musical Number to Go with This?
(small child is scrubbing the subway walls with a Kleenex)
Child: Oooooh! Dirty!
Mother (holding up hand-sanitizer): We're anti-bacteriaing the subway.
--A Train
At Some Point, You Get to Eat and Drink What You Like
Old man: I drink three Cokes a day!
Lady: Three Cokes! You're in bad shape!
Old man: *I'm* in bad shape? I am 90 years old!
Lady: But Coke is bad for you! It's full of chemicals that will mess up your biology!
Old man: Are you a biologist?
Lady: (after a long pause) Yes.
Old man: Okay then. Bye.
--23rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Bemused
It's in Paris Hilton's Guide to Biology
Blonde: And it totally tasted like plastic or Styrofoam or some shit.
Redhead: Oh my god, maybe he's a robot!
Blonde: Huh?
Redhead: If your boyfriend's cum tastes like plastic, he's a robot. Duh.
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Marlee
Probably a Misunderstanding About the Meaning of "Eye Candy"
Coat check girl: Last night Michael came in my eye and it was all puffy and red.
Stripper: Why did he do that?
Coat check: He said he didn't mean it. Usually he goes for my nostrils or my ear. We couldn't go out for dinner for two hours until it died down.
Stripper: Wow.
--Strip Club
Overheard by: rory
Army Recruiter: We've Got Your Dream Job
Male student #1: It's not easy.
Male student #2: Nothing is easy. (pause) Some things are simple.
Male student #1: Oh, sure.
Male student #2: But nothing is easy. (pause) I have no idea where I'm going.
--NYU Campus
Overheard by: zelda
I'll Have You Know I'm Drunk with Power
Drunk chick: Why am I so drunk?!
Cabbie: Because you drink a lot!
--10th Ave
Overheard by: i don't drink a lot
Wasn't She the Deaf and Blind Girl with the Miracle Worker?
Little boy to mother: Mom, have you ever heard of Anne Frank?
(silence)
Little boy: You know, she was this holocaust victim who lived in an attic and wrote this diary?
(pause)
Mother: I mean, I've read about the holocaust, but I don't know any specific authors.
--Smith & Sackett, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: David
New York Is Like a Performance Art Installation That Never Closes
Crazy guy eating in deli: You know, 200 years ago, people wouldn't be able to get anything they wanted from this place... They'd have to go hunt for food.
Clerk, pretending to be amused: Oh, really?
Crazy guy eating in deli (really excited): And you know what?! There used to be cats screaming all night long until the Chinese food places came around (laughs to himself) but not anymore!
--27th & 6th
Overheard by: Karl
And That Kind Of Fucked-Up I'm Reluctant to Discuss
Little boy looking at photos being sold on street: Why do they call it Gay Street?
Dad: They got all kinds of fucked up names for streets in this city.
--Times Square
Overheard by: R
The Vagina Always Gets the Last Laugh
Very young girl talking to friends: I know that there are other kinds of private parts besides what I have. I've seen them. (a minute later, giggling) It looked like a finger coming out!
Little friend: Haha! Vagina!
--5th Ave
I Tried Them Once, But I Kept Getting Stuck to the Fridge
Not-so-chubby girl: Dude, I'm so fat.
Ordinary girl: No you're not. You just got a little belly.
Not-so-chubby girl: Yeah...I wish I had fat magnets so I could put them in my bra. It would suck up all my fat and make me go up a cup size.
Ordinary girl: Wow. And I always thought plastic surgery was the only option.
--NYU
I Gave Him a Little Piece of My Sole That Night
Woman #1: So are you still seeing that Rob guy?
Woman #2: I guess. He came over the other evening.
Woman #1: Oh, that's good. Did you do anything fun?
Woman #2: Well, we were going to make cookies, but then I remembered I had some fish I needed to cook.
--Bistro 60
And You're Here, So That's Good, Right?
Bar guy #1: Hey, how's it going? How's your brother?
Bar guy #2: He had brain surgery today.
--W 158th & Broadway
Overheard by: puppy
It's a Vicious Cycle
Hipster guy: I am always so embittered.
Hipster girl: I know, and I hate it.
--13th & 2nd
Overheard by: Slammy
Talking About Money Like a Commoner
Mother: Okay, give it back to me.
Four-year-old boy holding MetroCard: I want to hold it.
Mother, taking the MetroCard: You can't hold it. It is very expensive, and mommy will have to pay a lot of money to replace it if you lose it.
Four-year-old boy, looking around at crowd on bus: Stop embarrassing me. Why are you always embarrassing me?
--N38 Bus
But I Was Once in an Elevator with the Original Becky from Roseanne
Chick: Oh yeah, my grandmother was a prisoner in Auschwitz with Elie Wiesel.
Dude: That's ballin'
--Brooklyn F Train
Bertie Bott's Every-Flavor Gum May Have Gone Too Far
Queer #1: Somebody should give him some gum. His breath smells really bad.
Queer #2: I know! I see why everybody calls him "shit-breath".
Girl: You guys, he's already chewing gum.
Queer #1: Ewwww.
--NYU Classroom
Overheard by: Paul
You'd Think They'd Tailor Them More to Me
Conductor (over PA system): Make sure you pick up all your belongings... If you have small children, be sure to take them by the hand before leaving the train. Thank you for riding New Jersey transit, and have a great day.
Jersey girl (to suit): Now see, I don't have children! They haven't thought these announcements through.
--NJ Transit
Just Be Glad It Wasn't Blackface
(goth chick runs down the street shrieking, followed by her hipster-chick friend with tiger face paint)
Young black girl #1: What's happening?
Young black girl #2: Yeah, what's with all the crazy white people?
--St Marks & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Tigertail
Headline by: chrissmari
Runners-Up:
· "How Young Oprah Got the Idea for Her Show" - Doug
· "Let's Go Back to Harlem Where It's Safe" - Caitlin
· "Obama Better Fix That Shit His First Day" - Steve J
· "The Little-Known Eighth Sign Of the Apocalypse" - samson
· "Wait Until You Meet Dennis Rodman" - Aussie_Girl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Ever Try to Milk a Raging Bull?
Hipster #1: Why don't they make cat cheese? You can milk anything with nipples.
Hipster #2: Why don't they make Robert De Niro cheese?
--Franklin Avenue Shuttle
Fat Is Made of Denial, Not Cupcakes
(two girls standing in line)
Girl #1(with two cupcakes): I can justify buying two because I walk here and walk home.
Girl #2: Are you walking home tonight?
Girl #3: No.
--Magnolia Bakery
I Do Birthday Parties and Bar Mitzvahs
Tall scraggle-tooth guy with eye patch, in hoarse creepy voice: Do you like balloon animals? I like balloon animals!
Startled passerby: What the fuck ass hell?
--6th Ave & W 8th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Fighting Heresies Is Way More Important Than Class
Female law student #1: So we get Hannukah off then?
Female law student #2: Well, duh! Fordham's a Jesuit school.
--Fordham Law School
Overheard by: Jamie L
A Kind of Inner Didgeridoo
(crazy woman talking to self)
Guy sitting next to her: Sorry, did you say something?
Crazy woman: No, I have an ear piercing.
Guy: Oh, in the other ear?
Crazy woman: No, this one (points to the ear closest to him). It's all the way inside my ear. It's Australian.
--Jane St & Greenwich Ave
Meet the Lady Who's Always on Line Ahead Of You at the Deli
Subway sandwich maker: Can I help you?
Crazy old woman: Ughh.
Lady behind her: Pick from something on the list.
Crazy old woman: Cheese! Just cheese! A cheese sandwich.
--Subway, Hudson Street
Overheard by: Brendan
It's Always Useful to Keep a Spare
Girl #1: You know who is really cute? That kid... I don't know his name...
Girl #2: Which one?
Girl #1: Oh, you know, the one with the hat...
Girl #2: Oh, Max!
Girl #1: Yeah, him. I really want a boyfriend. He's really cute.
Girl #2: Yeah, he is, too bad I already have one.
--F Train
Overheard by: That kid, you know, the one with the hat
Please Accept My Apologies on Behalf of the Galactic Council
(guy gets up as train starts to move and begins rambling crazily)
Tourist girl: Stop it! You're scaring me! (to parents) make him stop! (to him) Stop it! (to mom) I want to get off this train!
Tourist dad: Excuse me, you're scaring my daughter.
Crazy guy: Am I scaring her?
--3 Train
Overheard by: Glad I only went one stop
Except Now I Have to Start Wearing Makeup When I Work Out
Girl #1: Oh my god, I used to go to Lucille Roberts and now I am thin enough to go to New York Sports Club.
Girl #2: That's great! I'm so jealous.
--Smoke Break, 30 Rock
Left Him Crying in a Puddle Of His Own Urine
Hipster chick: He thought that by "phone sex" I meant "phone hanging out chat time".
Friend: Bo-ring.
Hipster chick: I basically phone raped him.
--L Train
Hope You're Not Looking for a Virgin at NYU
(hipster walks in wearing bright turquoise unicorn hat)
Professor: Are you pledging something?
Hipster: No, I am a unicorn.
--NYU Silver Building
Overheard by: sarah
...If You Know What I Mean.
Hipster girl: Why isn't Ben coming to your party?
Emo friend: He's going to see the vagina monologues... twice.
--NYU
As Close to a Sweet Vignette As OINY Gets
(man with headphones singing out loud moves over so that an elderly couple can sit down together)
Old lady: Thank you.
Man: You are very, very welcome. I'm rappin' out loud, but I'm a gentleman. I was raised in the streets, but I'm good.
--1 Train
Overheard by: huh?
Unless You've Got a Better One for Me, If You Know What I Mean
Kid #1: You may as well go. What are you gonna do if you don't, go home and jerk it?
Kid #2: That's the plan!
Random black guy walking by: I hope that's not the plan.
Kid #2 (looking embarrassed): Well... that's a plan.
--Joralemon Street
To Be Fair, Sir, You Do Look Like You Swallowed Another Person
(man and woman arguing with a foreigner)
Foreigner: How many passenger?
Man: Two.
Foreigner: Three?
Man: No, two.
Foreigner: Three?
Man: Two! Two! (holds up two fingers) Me and her! (points to the woman)
Foreigner: Ah. Three!
Man: Jesus fucking Christ, where did you come from?
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Angie
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