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...Like Little Vaginas
Black girl #1: Can I feel the inside of your ear?
Black girl #2: Um...
Black girl #1: I'm not gay, I just like the way ears feel!
--6 Train
Don't They Know They Can't Jump?
Teen kid #1: Yo white people have too much free time to do stupid shit.
Teen kid #2: Yeah, I know: like jump off 30-story buildings, like those two kids.
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I once saw this white guy who tried to jump over a car and got split in two, like the car was coming at him, and he tried to jump, but it hit him and split him in two pieces right down the middle.
Teen kid #2: For real, you saw that happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah.
Teen kid #2: Like in person, you saw it happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I saw it happen in person on TV last night.
--5 Train
Overheard by: b
Um...That's Sarah Jessica Parker
Girl: Whoa! That dog is huge!
Boy next to her: Um... That's a horse.
--Times Square
Overheard by: I guess that's a common mistake...
The Girls Learn How Important It Is to Be Cute
Man: That's a very cute dog!
Girl #1: Yes, she is. My dad got her at a pet store. He was going to get a dog at the shelter, but he didn't want to.
Girl #2: Yeah, so the dog he would have gotten at the shelter died, because it was a kill shelter.
Dad: Um, I'm not really taking full responsibility for that.
Girl #1: The dog was killed. Just because you didn't want it.
Girl #2: Yeah, dad.
Dad: Really. I think this is less than 5% my fault. Look, this where we get off.
Man: Have a good night! Sleep well.
--Elevator, 82nd & 3rd
Overheard by: emily
Well, That Is the Default Setting
College girl #1: So I think I'll just get the whole thing waxed, so that the next time I go, it just won't hurt that much.
College girl #2: I don't get it.
College girl #1: Like, I'll be hairy the first time, so it will hurt, and then when I go back, I'll be like: "Oh, that wasn't as painful as the first time."
College girl #2: Shit, shut up! You're so loud! Now that guy knows you have a hairy vagina.
--Union Square Train Station
Overheard by: the trainman
He Would've Said "Mate"
Guy: I like it when people copulate onstage.
Girl: "Copulate?!" What are you, David Attenborough?
--NYU
So She's at Least As Much Of a Lady As Cruella De Vil
(cop pulls a drunk hipster chick in faux fur off the train for littering)
Drunk hipster girl: What? I can't believe he just fucking did that! That wasn't even her lollipop!
Drunk hipster guy: I know, man. I feel like such an asshole. Like I didn't even do anything.
Drunk hipster girl: Like seriously, how can he just arrest her? She's a lady! (yelling) she was wearing fur!
--L Train
Overheard by: Bewildered
So Crispy and Cheesy
Girl: I think there's a pretty good seafood restaurant around here. What kind of fish do you like?
Boyfriend: I really like goldfish.
--E14th & 3rd
Overheard by: one order of koi, please
Ten Bucks Says He's Making Water Balloons
Hipster passing large, bald man blocking doorway: Excuse me.
Large, bald man: What are you in a hurry for?
(hipster points to condoms and goes to the counter to pay for them)
Large, bald man: You're totally on a condom run!
(hipster smiles and glances back to the man)
Large, bald man: Did you pull out of that shit?
Hipster: Nope, just having marathon sex.
Large, bald man: I'd high-five you, but I know where those hands have been.
(hipster leaves, laughing)
--Deli, 7th Ave & Christopher St
Overheard by: a
But I Warn You-- Once You Start, You Aren't Gonna Want to Stop
Girl #1 (in bodega): Oooh, can I have a little taste of that?
Girl #2: Lick my crabs!
--133rd & Amsterdam
I Put a Missed Connection on Craigslist, But You Never Responded
Female African American police officer: Don't you remember I was the one who kicked you out of Yankee stadium?
Hobo: I don't recall this. I don't recall this.
Female African American police officer: Yep. It was me. I kicked your ass, I did.
--Avenue Q
Overheard by: innocent bystander
Don't Ask Questions You Won't Believe the Answers to
(man and woman chatting, he has a slight pot belly)
Woman: Do you work out?
Man: Yes, I do, actually.
Woman (in disbelief): Really?
--Elevator 2, Penn Plaza
When I Chain You to the Treadmill Tonight, I'll Be Doing It with Love
Middle-aged woman on her cell: Where are you? Don't get the pizza, it's too many calories. Just get a salad or something. Well, I only say that because I had a nightmare last night where you got big. It was awful. Oh, honey, come on I love you, stop.
I'm just saying, if you had a dream that a building was collapsing and a guy was about to walk into it, wouldn't you say "stop"? Well, then we agree.
--Pax Wholesome Foods, 6th & 40th
Shocking That the MTA Hasn't Figured Out a Way to Make Money Off of This
Man, watching display for track announcement: Oh, look, it says "Stand by"! Here it comes! Whaddaya think it'll be? I'm betting on 9.
Woman: Oh, I say 10. What do you think, mom?
Older woman: Er, 11.
Man: How about you, Fred*?
Older man, not very interested: 5, I guess.
Man: 9 comes up a lot. I take this train all the time and it's almost always 9. I'll give you 2 to 1 odds on 5, though. 2 to 1, Fred*.
(older man ignores him)
Man: Come on 9! Damn it, now that guy's standing right in front of it. Do you believe that? Down in front! Go 9!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Rose Fox
I Mean, What's Worse Than an Incestuous Generation Gap?
Blonde: Wait, she fucked her uncle? That's so wrong.
Redhead: He's only, like, three years older than her.
Blonde: Oh, that uncle? That's not so bad then. I'd fuck him if he was my uncle.
--NYU Classroom
Overheard by: sitting behind them, laughing my ass off
But I Did Finish All My Homework
Dad: Did you fart today?
Son: No.
--Cafe, 49th & 9th
Overheard by: alxie
But That's What You Said About Cornell!
Older man (looking at the Chrysler building): Look, there's the Empire State Building!
Teenage girl: What do they do in there? I mean, what is it?
Older man: It's a college.
--42nd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Eric
And Is Lucky the Leprechaun a Prima Donna in Real Life?
(Irish service elevator operator is showing new guy the ropes, delivery Thug walks in)
Operator, with Irish brogue: What's up?
Thug: 11 C, man. (thug looks at the new guy)
Thug: You new man? Yo, I gotta ask you a question, do you drink beer?
New guy: Yup.
Thug: You drink Guinness?
New guy: Yeah, sometimes.
Thug: Alright, I gotta know, is the Guinness here different from the Guinness back home?
New guy: I am a Long Island Jew.
Thug: Shit, for real? I thought everybody who worked here was from Ireland.
(thug gets off the elevator to make delivery)
Operator: You should've asked him if it's different buying food in a supermarket instead of having to chase and kill it with a spear.
--E 77th St
God Help Him If He Shows Up There in a Codpiece and Plumed Hat
Female tourist: I don't want to go to Harlem.
Male tourist: I do! They had a renaissance!
--Green Line
Overheard by: Linds
Where Fox Does Its Recruiting for Moment of Truth
(two guys coming out of the bar bathroom)
Guy #1: I'm taking another shot.
Guy #2: What have you got to lose? Pride? Fuck pride.
Guy #1: You're right man.
--Bar, 35th & 3rd
At Least Our Nipples Are Perky!
(at the freezer section)
Dumb blond mom: Jesus, why's it gotta be so cold in here?
Dumb blond daughter: Oh god, I know! Like it's not cold enough outside.
--PathMart, Forest Ave
Overheard by: Ben
The Federal Tax Code, Encapsulated
Hobo to passerby: Sir, can you spare a thousand dollars?
Passerby: Haha... Oh you're serious.
--21st & 3rd
Overheard by: Paul
Well, It Is the Number Two Train
(a very obnoxious, lingering fart was dropped and filled the entire car during rush hour)
Teen girl to friend: Ohmigod! Let's get out of here, it smells like shit!
Old man, five minutes later: What's the matter with you fucking people? Somebody open up a god damned window!
--2 Train
The Pretty-Girl Entitlement Statute Begins to Wane in Influence
(three men hail a taxi and get in)
Girl: Hey, I was over there waiting for a long time. May I have your cab?
Guy #1: Are you serious?
Girl: Yes, I was on the other corner, waiting.
Guy #2 (laughing in her face): Are you fucking serious, lady?
Girl: Buy I was on the other corner waiting for a long time.
Guy #3: Oh, well! You were on the other corner, kiddo. Get more aggressive.
Girl: But guys... I was waiting...
Guy #1 (as taxi leaves): Courtesy, bitch.
--14th & 2nd
Overheard by: Luke
...But, Um, I Assumed He Was Passed Out the Whole Time
Girl #1: Okay so like, I wasn't going to tell you guys but Ed* and I really did have sex last night... I was lying on the phone.
Girl #2: But we knew that already! Ed* called me crying this morning because he thought he took advantage of you.
Girl #3: Ok... this is weird.
--9th St & 5th Ave
Isn't There a Bar That'd Take You In?
Store employee over loudspeaker: Attention shoppers. The time now is 9 pm. This store is now closing, please bring all your items to the front register.
Loud guy in the back: I don't want to go home!
--238th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Mandy
And Please Refrain from the Arsenio Fist-Pound
Drunk hobo #1 (in response to young person playing the guitar): Woohoo!
Drunk hobo #2: Why do you always have to be like that? It's woo... hoo... Not woohoo!
--Washington Square Park
Dear Hugh Laurie--Call Me --Love, Danielle
Cute girl about upcoming CAT scan: There's a part of me that's actually a little excited... or at least interested, because, you know, it's a new experience.
Friend: It will be an adventure. A medical adventure. Like House!
Girl: Except the doctor won't be nearly as sexy as Hugh Laurie.
Friend: But he'll have a better bedside manner.
Girl: It'd be worth the bedside manner if he were that sexy.
Friend: We've gotta stop watching that show. It gives us unrealistic expectations.
Girl: My mind right now is like 45% fear, 25% excitement, 15% rational thought, you know, that it's probably not cancer, and the rest is Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard battling for my affections.
Friend: We've gotta stop watching that show.
--L Train
Overheard by: Jonah
I'll Need to Review the Ensemble Personally, First
Teenage nymphette: I want to go back to the hotel and go swimming.
Chaperone: What do you have to swim in?
Teenage nymphette: My bra and thong.
Chaperone: Oh no no, I don't think so.
--Top of the Rock Observation Floor
That Guy Changes His Hair Color More Than I Do!
Girl #1: So how is every thing?
Girl #2: Good, I talked to James... He's dying.
Girl #1: Ah, I see.
Girl #2: Yeah, so things are great! (nods repeatedly)
--Exiting City Hall Station
There's Also That "Olive Garden" I've Been Hearing So Much About
Tourist woman #1: Well, where should we go to eat instead?
Tourist woman #2: I hear that Ray's Pizza is suppose to be excellent!
--W 54th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Levram
Military Service Might Help You Get Started
Boyfriend: You know what I really want to be?
Girlfriend: What, sweetie?
Boyfriend: A crazy old man! The kind with a shotgun that threatens to shoot at kids and steals stuff and never wears his dentures!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Me too!
Ten Bucks Says He Asks Her Out Before They Get to Their Floor
Ugly guy: Yeah, we broke up because it just didn't work out between us. We had too many differences.
Pretty girl: I'm sorry to hear that. How long has it been?
Ugly guy: Years, so I'm over it. Well, we were swingers so it got complicated. Well, - I was a swinger. She wasn't.
Pretty girl: Ummm... (stares at wall) Great elevator conversation!
--Elevator, Viacom Building, 44th & Broadway
Tim Gunn?
Girl: Honey, who's that white guy in our class?
Boy: Which guy?
Girl: The white guy with the accent? It's like a gangster accent?
Boy: Gangster accent?
Girl: You know: "Yo yo, what's up?" (throws up gang signs)
Boy: I didn't know gangsters had accents.
--Parsons New School for Design
Headline by: LJ
Runners-Up:
· "A Whole New Way to Fulfill a Language Requirement" - Bill
· "And Since When Did "The Shocker" Become a Gang Sign?" - cbeck
· "Clearly You Haven't Spent Enough Time Watching Bad Dance Movies" - mk
· "Keanu Reeves Deeply Researches Yet Another Role" - Bevan
· "Parsons New School Of Liberal Denial Is on 43rd." - EddieA
· "That's Not an Accent. He's Deaf. Those Aren't Gang Signs. It's Sign Language." - DB
· "The REAL Michelle and Barack" - Qasar
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If You Don't Watch Them Every Second, They'll Buy Internet Stock.
Suit #1: Hippos are freaky! All them teeth, and how they can go under the water... Hell, that's scary!
Suit #2: No! Rhinos are what you should be scared of. Rhinos will fuck you up. Man, rhinos are crazy!
--2 Train
Overheard by: Anna
Is It Stubbleday Already?
Girl: Well, I didn't shave my armpits this morning.
Guy: Oh.
Girl: Yeah, that was my idea of celebrating!
--12th St & Broadway
Still Think Only Women Play That Game?
Five-year-old son: I'm mad at you.
Mom: Why honey?
Five-year-old son: Because you wouldn't buy me an umbrella!
Mom: You never asked for one!
--Times Square Shuttle
Overheard by: Heather
Wednesdays Make You Want to Have One-Liners of Your Own
Little white boy to frustrated black nanny who is trying to hail a cab: My daddy always gets a taxi!
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Dan
Little boy: This place is like a dead zoo.
--American Museum of Natural History
Four-year-old boy: Yo, this sofa is mad comfy!
--Used Furniture Store, Staten Island
Four-year-old boy: That's enough, I'm calling Interpol!
--A Train
Overheard by: Swarles
Little girl to mom after terrible Skyride attraction: Mommy, can we never do this again?
(random guy behind her starts laughing) Stop it! Stop laughing at me!
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Claire
Eight-year-old boy: This museum is inappropriate.
--The Metropolitan Museum of Art, Greek & Roman Sculpture Wing
Overheard by: Taylor
Wednesday One-Liners Are Down, but Not Out
Hobo with two jars in front of him: Food or drugs! Choose whether you'd like to sponsor my evening shot or dinner!
--Central Park
Homeless man: Hey, bindi-a, lookin' good today! (Indian girl ignores his comment, begins to walk away). Fine! When you get mugged, I'm not helping you!
--Washington Square Park
Enterprising lady hobo: You could use your credit card to get cash, and give me the cash.
--Outside Dunkin' Donuts, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Panhandling hobo: Spare some change for a large bottle of water and a nice Chef salad? Spare some change for bottled water and salad?
--Broadway & 10th St
Hobo: Hey lemme borrow those red Converse! I've got a hot date with Monica Lewinsky tonight!
--14th & 6th
Hobo to another: "You're gonna turn me into a waffle?" That's what she told me, you said! A waffle? Oh no, I don't think so!
--23rd b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: sara
Crazy hobo: Watch out for traffic and knuckleheads! Beware! (points at random pedestrian) Him! He's a knucklehead! Don't trust him!
--5th Ave & 49th St
Wednesday One-Liners Pretend They've Read Kerouac
Hipster chick: It costs like $280 to go blonde, which seems expensive but it's totally worth it because then you're blonde.
--Hop Scotch
Overheard by: bildita
Hipster: My brother entitled all of his college essays "Heeeey Essaaaaay!"
--Smith Street & President
Overheard by: Michelle C.
(drunk or ill hipster guy lying on stairs moans pitifully and vomits)
Hipster's friend, looking away and pretending not to know him: Ha! Fag!
--7th Ave
Young hipster: Let's face it, at some point I'm gonna be homeless.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Conti
Hipster girl: Pickles are so in right now.
--Renegade Arts Festival, Williamsburg
In Wednesday One-Liners We Trust
Hipster chick: Popping a blister is like smacking god in the face!
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Alice
Homeless man on train begging for money by telling jokes: A black man and a white man go into a bar. They get into a fight with each other. And then they die. And then they go to heaven and god says to them: "What it is... what it is!"
--1 Train
Overheard by: Kristin
Girl to friend: I'm gonna have to get ghetto on god!
--61st & Broadway
Overheard by: lizzerd
Homeless man says to homeless woman: Now, these people are trying to hoodwink god!
--Seventh Ave & Lincoln Place, Park Slope
Overheard by: Annie
Professor to students: God is not a drug dealer!
--Fordham University
Kathy Griffin Makes Fun Of Wednesday One-Liners
White queer to friend: So I was sitting there at the restaurant with my parents and looked to my left, and who was there? LL Cool J! Ooooh, girl, he is fine. I was all: "Hey, LL, you can park your big Underground Railroad right in my behind!"
--UES
Hipster: You can't really enjoy Evel Knievel in the traditional sense.
--St. Mark's Place
Nine-year old boy to another: Ooh, Indiana Jones! Look, Shia LaBeouf! I used to go out with him.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: learned something new about Shia LeBeouf
Proud teen: I had my picture taken with Dennis Rodman's sister.
--Houston & West Broadway
Worried hipster: And I think Judge Judy would just say that I don't have a leg to stand on.
--W 19th St
Bus driver: I know what it's like to miss a flight. You have to ride a Greyhound bus and sit next to a fat guy who eats Cheez-Its and talks about Scott Baio way too much.
--NYAS Shuttle, JFK
Overheard by: innocent bus rider
Drink Deep, or Taste Not the Wednesday One-Liners!
Fabulous woman: That's all vodka under the bridge.
--55 Bar
Overheard by: Girl Margaret
Huge man to small child trying to participate in conversation: No, son, we're not talking about your school--we're talking about Bam! You trying to get all up in the Kool-Aid, but you don't even know the flavor.
--C Train
Drunk girl, accidentally taking swig of vodka instead of water: This wetness is spicy!
--Bergen St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Gnomies
Skinny teen: I wish they made diet water.
--Times Square
JAP: I'd like a Pellegrino.
--Hooters
Middle-aged suit yelling into cell: No- I want to see you drink the bong water!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Me Too...
Wednesday One-Liners Haven't Met Most Of Their Friends
Yuppie: I don't google enough.
--F Train, 7th Ave
Overheard by: imaginexrach
Girl on cell: Not being on Facebook is ruining my life!
--NYU Bus
Overheard by: Asian Kid
Assistant on phone, about her 17-year-old daughter's MySpace page: I find it interesting that she and her friend Shannon have the same friend listed. Some 32-year-old guy in California named Tom!
--Office on 42nd & Madison
Overheard by: herspace
Man: I'm going to go home and e-mail some shameless bitches.
--8th St & Broadway
Grad student at computer, dolefully: Without right-click I just don't know what to do with the world.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners -- Not the South American Country
Train conductor: Now arriving at 116th street, Columbia University. Ivy league. Ivy league... Ivy league... Ivy league... Stand clear of the closing doors.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Amused Subway Rider
Guy on phone: I'm a tool, I'll admit that.
--College Walk, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ed
Chick on cell: How did they know I was feeling hormonal? And did they need to announce it on my boarding pass?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: YotGC
(Columbia student #1 jaywalks in front of a car)
Columbia student #2: I can't get hit by a car right now! I have a paper to write!
--115th & Broadway
(two frat boys in boxers run a lap down 113th as a third cheers them on)
Sorority girl: Sometimes I wonder how some of these people get into Columbia...
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: wondering the same thing
Wednesday One-Liners Go Great with Biscotti
Suit: Ladies and gentlemen, I have a financially stable family with two children. I just played fourteen holes at the country club and would kill for an iced cappuccino. Please give me some money.
--1 Train
Man, about two women passing: Fellas, you can't let them get away! If you do, they'll turn into a cup of coffee and a buttered roll!
--Bleecker & 11th
Toothless bum: Hey man, can I get two dollars so I can get myself a Cappuccino?
--B Train
Overheard by: Comack
Seven-year-old boy: Mom, I want to take a picture of Starbucks!
--42nd & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners for the Crazy Cat Lady
Guy on cell: I guess you'd rather spend time with your cat than me. That's cool.
--Brooklyn Heights
Thug to girl calling for cat: You lost your cat, baby? Shit, this is Brooklyn, there's so many street cats out here they probably ate your cat.
--Franklin & Classon, Prospect Heights Brooklyn
Teen, talking about guitars: You can never have too many. They're like cats.
--17th & 8th
Girl on cell: Yeah, I want one too, but we should start with a cat and see how that is. You know, play it by ear.
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Is that how it works?
Girl: If I looked like a cat's poop hole I'd still want to be loved... and eaten.
--JFK
The Tao Of Wednesday One-Liners
Subway rider to Japanese tourist: You guys need to stick up for yourselves, man. You know what I'd say if I was from Japan? I'd say: "I am yokozuna, muthafucka!"
--E Train, 42nd St
Male customer to clerk, after computer system goes down: I guess you have some little Chinese guy in the back working on the problem.
--Brooklyn DMV
40something woman walking dogs to friend: You know, these dogs are half Chinese. With all these things going on in China, they get very upset! (friend gives skeptical look) I'm serious!
--Upper West Side
Crazy lady, to no one in particular: All Carpenter songs are actually Korean national anthems. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. It's the Koreans who do most of the bludgeoning, and that's what upsets me.
--99 Cent Pizza, 41st & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Worker, sounding pleasantly surprised: Oh, Asians! Damn! Asians!
--Canal Street and Centre Street, Chinatown
Wednesday One-Liners Feel Pretty and Witty and Gay
Flamboyantly gay guy to gay friends: Why do I have to be the queen? Why can't I just be regular?!
--Christopher Street
Overheard by: JMcheer
Queer to another: I just want to bury my face in his ass!
--67th & Park Ave
Gay guy on cell: Oooh! I love playing straight!
--1st Ave, East Village
Overheard by: B
Stressed gay worker: They always skip over my lunch break. Everyone else gets their lunch breaks but they always skip over mine. Ugh. Guys, I'm gonna take my 15 minutes. I'm taking my 15 minutes. I close tonight... Ugh, this is not the road to success! (storms off)
--H&M Store
Overheard by: nyu kid
Queer to boyfriend: You know Romy and Michelle? I love that movie... That movie made me gay.
--Restaurant, 19th & 8th
Overheard by: batou187
Queer on cell: I know... I know! Gosh, that is sooo gay!
(bewildered elderly lady looks at him)
Queer to elderly lady (in shrieking voice): Oh my god, oh my god, the faggot said gay!
--Central Park
And No Way You're Getting My Kickball in the Settlement
Nanny to boy blocking slide: Hi, are you going down the slide?
(kid shakes head)
Nanny: Well, can we get past you?
(kid shakes head)
Three-year-old friend: Sam, share.
(Sam shakes head)
Three-year-old friend: Sam, share or I will leave you.
--69th & West End
Mom's Fling With Josh Ended Predictably
14-year old girl #1: Did you call her a bitch?
14-year old girl #2: No. I was like: "Mom! You have chlamydia. Shut up!"
--B Train
Overheard by: Jessica
I Keep Eating Cheeseburgers and Sleeping with Women, to No Avail.
Hipster #1: Yeah, my 500-pound lesbian aunt went to Woodstock when she was 16. She still lives there.
Hipster #2: God, I wish I had been at Woodstock when I was 16.
Hipster #3: I wish I was a 500-pound lesbian in Woodstock.
--N 6th St, Williamsburg
You're Welcome to Babysit Mine for a While
Dude #1: Today, I saw someone wearing jeans that were like, way too tight.
Asian chick: Skinny jeans? I love skinny jeans!
Dude #1: On a guy? These were on a guy!
Asian chick: Oh, then... no.
Dude #1: Guys shouldn't wear their jeans that tight. It's bad for the balls.
Dude #2: It's seriously bad for the balls. It's unhealthy.
Asian chick (skeptically): Nuh-uh.
Dude #2: You wouldn't know!
Dude #1: You don't even have balls!
Asian chick: No. (considers) But if I did, I'd play with them all the time.
--NYU Elevator
Overheard by: Hannah
Miss Wetter and Mr. Beaver Got Off to a Rocky Start
Girl #1: She wouldn't even take his name?
Girl #2: And she even refused to hyphenate? That's ridiculous!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Noelle
What the Banner in the Airport Should Say
(girl runs into a woman crossing the street)
Woman (turning to confront girl): Are you kidding me?!
Girl: Are you kidding me?
Woman: Can't you see?!
Girl: Watch where you're going!
Woman: Are you kidding me!?
Girl: Oh god! This is New York, get over it!
--40th St & 6th Ave
The Girls-Gone-Wild Bar Gets Raised Every Year
Girl #1: So both the girls took off their panties and spread their cheeks for the crowd. And you would not believe it, but the one girl started eating the other one's ass!
Girl #2: Nothing says "goodnight" like a good ass licking.
--Vespa, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Steve
McCarthyism Is Now Easier Than Ever
Random hipster guy: So yeah, I've lived here forever and I don't know any Russians. I really want to know one.
Farm stand sales girl: Really? That's so funny! I just met one a few days ago at some bar. I think he gave me his number.
Random hipster guy: Awesome! Would you give me his number? I really want to know a Russian. I mean, I'm not gay or anything, I just want to know him. You wanna give me his number?
Farm stand sales girl: Sure, here.
--SoHo Farmer's Market
Overheard by: Kate
Only When I Went Into the Bathroom and Did Contortions, Though
Guy #1: Do you want to go here or Houlihan's?
Guy #2: I went to Houlihan's and it smelled like butthole.
Guy #1: Okay.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Clarktadd
It's Like the Universe in That Respect
Street vendor: Designer jewelry. Five dollars.
Woman: Really? What designer?
Street vendor: Who knows.
--52st & 5th
After He Saw on Dr. Phil That Families Should Do Things Together
Young male professional: So your dad's cool with you not eating?
Young female professional: Yeah, he's totally fine with it. He's gonna start next week too.
--Union Square
A Whole Continent Left Sticky and Unsatisfied
Guy: I need to go to Europe more often, I kinda compare it to sex, I always come back more relaxed and a little more pleasant to be around.
Girl with him: Gross.
--6 Train
And Now He's Got My Vote
Girl #1: So how did you meet him?
Girl #2: He just came up to me on the street and asked me my name... Then he asked me if I wanted to get a drink, so I took him to the bar everyone was at.
Girl #1: Then what happened?
Girl #2: Then we fucked.
Girl #1: What? Just like that?
Girl #2: Yeah, I can hardly remember, but we left the bar, grabbed a cab, went to my dorm and then we fucked.
--CVS, 9th & 58th
Princess Smoke-'em-up Is Having a Weird Day
Guy: So she invited me in and I had a beer.
Girl: You had a beer?! What?!
Guy: Yeah, I had a beer.
Girl: Oh my god! That is so weird!
Guy: Well, I mean, I didn't have my own. So I had a beer and then we rehearsed.
Girl: Oh my god. I can't believe you had a beer and then rehearsed! That is so weird!
--Waverly Place & Broadway
Overheard by: Sam
Bingo in the Parish Hall Prepares You for Eternal Torment
Teenage girl #1: Yeah, I celebrate Easter. I'm Catholic. It's tradition for my family to go gambling in Atlantic City that day.
Teenage girl #2: Wait, isn't that one of the seven unforgivable vices? You're doing it on Easter, too. Haha.
Teenage girl #1: Yeah, well... We don't really believe in that religion bullshit. Atlantic City allows us to stick it to the man.
Teenage girl #1: Is that Jesus? Wow, you're going to hell.
--51st & Park Ave
Mmm...Marriage...
Art teacher: This piece is from the enlightenment period in England and is called "Marriage a la Mode".
Kid to friend: Wait... Marriage with ice cream?
--Bronx Science Art History Class
Overheard by: One with whipped cream please
Help Us, MTV-- You're Our Only Hope!
Girl #1: MTV is putting out another one of those stupid beach shows where they just film stuck-up bitches.
Girl #2: They have so fucking many of those, they're pointless, they need to do something different.
Girl #1: Yeah! They should film us, that would be awesome.
Girl #2: Totally, I would watch it.
(pause)
Girl #1: My ankles hurt!
Girl #2: Yeah, my left one hurts.
Girl #1: My right does.
--Park & Lexington
Overheard by: Emily J.
A Couple More Blocks and You'll Start Seeing the Hipsters
Girl to her friend: Where are we?
Old man passing by: It only gets worse...
--4 Ave & 14th St, Brooklyn
Shield Them from Harm; Deploy Them Only in Emergencies
Little girl to mother: Puberty means the period, right?
Mother to little girl: Yes, and the breasts. Don't forget about the breasts.
--47th & Lexington
Overheard by: Simun
The Goy Scouts of America Could Not Be Reached for Comment
New Yorker guy: You know that summer camp I went to? My friend is now the head of it and I'm going to help him out next month.
Girl, laughing: Awww, you're going to teach the kiddies how to canoe and tie slip knots?
New Yorker guy: No, I'm gonna teach them about the Holocaust.
Girl (laughs then pauses): Wow, that is not what we did at Girl Scout camp in Wisconsin.
--6th Ave & 19th St
So It's Like a Blog That You Carry Around?
20-something girl: Today I saw the cutest rat, it was just sitting there cleaning itself.
20-something guy: No way! I saw a cute rat today too. When I came to New York I thought that all the rats would be huge with glowing eyes and sharp fangs, but I kind of wanted to keep it... Look! I even wrote it down. (gets out notebook) Saw first rat today, it was surprisingly cute.
--4 Train Station
Never Take Sex Advice From the Tin Man
Hipster guy #1: Just, like, wait for her to bend down to tie her shoe or some shit.
Hipster guy #2: Then I should put it in? Like, through her pants?
Hipster guy #1: What? You've never been that hard?
--Studio B, Brooklyn, NY
Overheard by: DJALLTHETIME
Headline by: blistexaddict
Runners-Up:
· "... But Do Vinyl Stretch Pants Work As a Contraceptive?" - I'm wearing them, just in case
· "It Cuts Through Anything, Even This Aluminum Can." - Beery
· "It's the Only Way I Got Any in Saudi Arabia" - master
· "Mary Could Never Quite Explain to Her Doctor How Her Tonsils Got Perforated." - Jen
· "Oh Sure, That's How I Sewed This Shirt." - Taylor
· "Or Just Use That Knife Thing From Se7en" - BabakganoosH
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Strippers With Stretch Marks Are More of a Niche Market
Girl #1: She don't have no stretch marks or nothin'.
Girl #2: If I looked like her, I'd be able to work at Lace.
Girl #1 (enviously): Lace...
--46th St, Astoria
When I Try It, I Come Away with Cold Sores and Shame
Tween girl to friends: Did you know kissing is good for your health?
Cashier lady: Kissing *who*?
--Loehmann's Upper West Side
Jessica Simpson Has Fallen Upon Hard Times
Male customer (looking dubiously at sandwich in wrapper marked chicken): Is this the fish fillet sandwich I ordered?
Counter person: Yes, the chicken is the fish.
--Wendy's, Boston Road, The Bronx
Overheard by: Suze V
...By Writing Their Statistics in Blood on My Bathroom Mirror
Geek boy: You printed out her whole Facebook page!
Asian girl: Dude, you're a total stalker!
Stalker boy: I'm not a stalker, I just like to keep track of people!
--2 Train
Overheard by: MTA's Flying Dutchman
She's One of My Best Facebook Friends
Trendy girl #1: I mean, Michelle's one of my best friends...
Trendy girl #2: Oh, I've been meaning to ask you, did Michelle and Kyle break up?
Trendy girl #1: I think so. According to Facebook.
--A Train
...For Silly Things Like Your Medicine.
(dad is making Care Bear stuffed animal "dance."
Little girl: Stop shaking her, daddy! You're gonna make her cry! Except she's a mommy and mommies don't cry, right?
Dad: Only when they want money.
--Manhattan-bound F Train
Overheard by: alisha
And Getting Better Every Minute
Girl (sobbing): I'm sorry... I know cheating is never the answer... I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you.
(long silence)
Guy (chuckling): Sorry for laughing. I'm just thinking of what a better person than you I am.
(five minutes later)
Guy (still chuckling): You know you're hot and guys hit on you all the time but what you forget is that I'm hot. Girls hit on me every day. But I'd never cheat because I'm a good person.
--Metro Cafe, 57th & 5th
Actually, My Dealer Bestowed It Upon Me
Guy: Oh my god! I just snorted!
Girl: Hey! There's only room for one snorter and I've already claimed that title.
--AMC Loews, 68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Natalie
Eminem's Also from Michigan, So You Do the Math
Guy from Michigan: That stripper robbed me.
Cop: How so?
Guy from Michigan: She said if I gave her $150 she would jerk me off. I payed her the $150 and she didn't do it. I want her arrested.
Cop: Is everyone from Michigan an asshole or just you?
--Show World
...For Taking Pictures Of My Bed and Posting Them on the Internet.
Dad: So what's that thing you want for your birthday again?
Little boy: A Wii.
Dad: Wii? As in wee-wee? Gross!
Little boy: You're immature.
Dad: You wet the bed.
Little boy: You're immature.
--1 Train
Hey, the One Thing Gays and Straights Agree on Is Julie Andrews
Guy #1: So there I was, screwing my pillow in my sleep... Ya know, really bouncing the bed.
Guy #2: So... What? She didn't like that?
Guy #1: Well, ya know, she woke me up and asked if I was alright. Ya know. I mean I was laying there with a boner you could break rocks with and all confused. That's when I said "Where's Julie?"
Guy #2: That's freakin' messed up, man!"
Guy #1: Yeah. Crap... That being her sister's name and all.
Guy #2: I'm going to laugh my ass off over this. Did you tell her it was Julie Andrews?
Guy #1: Fuck! I didn't want her to think I was a pervert or something.
--NYU
Development of the Vitamin-Enhanced Pussy Hits a Snag
Girl: No! I will not put your Propel bottle in my vag!
Boy: Come on, I'm sure it'll fit!
Girl: No! I will not! Do you want vag juices all up in your Propel bottle?!
(boy walks away)
Girl (to self): I didn't think so.
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Sophie
You Could Do That Now--It Would Just Be Yucky
Teenage girl #1: But what if humans could lay eggs too?
Teenage girl #2: That's disgusting! I wouldn't want to eat your eggs!
Teenage girl #3: You know, then you could always survive. Even if you were trapped on an island. You could just eat your own eggs!
Teenage girl #1: Yes. But, only once a month.
--East Houston St
I Was on a Lot of Drugs in Grade School
Customer to punk teenage girl behind counter: I'd like a dozen rolls, please.
Punk teenage girl: A dozen... What's that, like twenty?
--Delicatessen, Park Place
Or Was That Mustard?
Lady: I'm lactose intolerant!
Waitress: Then why are you putting butter on your bread?
Lady: I didn't know butter was dairy! I thought it came from eggs!
--Veselka, E 9th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Katznik
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