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Screw This-- Let's Just Go to the Twin Towers
Curly-haired boy: This is not the Empire State Building!
Girl in yellow pants: It clearly says it is on the building. They're just remodeling the top.
Curly-haired boy: No, they're just advertising for the Empire State Building. This is not it.
Girl in yellow pants: I'll go ask the security guard.
(girl leaves with another boy, comes back)
Girl in yellow pants: There, even he said it is the Empire State.
Curly-haired boy: You saw how he laughed at you when you asked. He was tricking you.
--In front of Empire State Building
Overheard by: thereyo
Conductor: "I Will Turn This Train Around. Oh Yes, I Will!"
Conductor (in stern voice): For the last time, people, when the lights are blinking, that does not mean continue walking on the platform! The train will leave without you!
Suit: She must have children.
--Metro North, Grand Central
Overheard by: Fresca
Have You Tried Calling the Phone Number on Your Leg?
Girl #1: I woke up naked from the waist down and was like, "Oh man, not again!"
Girl #2: Yeah, I hate when that happens.
--66th & Broadway
Overheard by: Amused
King Lear Gets Foiled at Every Turn
(old man with granddaughters talking to young man next to him)
Old man: Do you think these girls are pretty?
Young man: Sure, they're pretty.
Old man: Should you like to go on a date with one of them?
Young man: I'm gay.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Brooklynisbetter
Deaf Chick Lesbian Porn Is Always the Hottest
College girl: Fuck, I have to do this research paper on Anne Frank over the holiday week!
College guy #1: Make sure to include the part about her being a lesbian.
College guy #2: Anne Frank was not a lesbian, you idiot!
College guy #3: No, I am pretty sure I saw one of the videos she made once.
College girl (walking away): I'm gonna go throw up.
College guy #2: How the hell did either of you even get into college?
--8th St & 6th Ave
The College Reunion Was a Mistake, Huh?
Student: How was your break?
Math teacher: Screw you!
--Hunter College High School
Overheard by: citysnidget
Plus, It's a Unique Résumé Bullet
20-something girl to stripper: Wow, it's really your first night?
Stripper: Yeahh. It's pretty cool. Just gave my first lap dance.
20-something girl: Oh my god! How exciting!
Stripper: I mean, I gotta pay the tuition bills. My summer internship at Goldman Sachs doesn't pay so I had to make some cash somehow.
--Cheetah's Strip Club
Why Darwin Opposed Mandates
Hipster boy: I would rather go on vacation than have health insurance.
Hipster girl: Health insurance is like, totally a scam and not real anyway. Not like Belgium.
Hipster boy: Belgium!
--K&M Bar, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
The Pornography of Death Is Always Recruiting Performers
Girl #1 (referring to the Bodies exhibit): It just weirds me out -I just think of decomposition.
Girl #2: No, that's the sequel to this.
Girl #1: Bodies 2--The Tourists That Didn't Make It Out.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Foster
If You're Sober Enough to Remember All That, It's Time for Stiffer Drinks
(outside bar)
Guy #1: It's your round.
Guy #2: No, it's not! Remember... I bought the first round because Paris Hilton went to jail. Then you bought a round because LeBron James had a kid. Then I bought a round when we figured out that the US Open was in Pennsylvania!
Guy #1: You're right! This round's on me!
--33rd St & 3rd Ave
Okay, But Even Ringo?
Girl: So were they good-looking? Can you even tell if a guy is good-looking?
Guy (clueless, shrugging shoulders): I don't know! They were English!
--77th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Then Who'd I Have Lingerie Pillow-Fights With?
Woman #1: I need to get a new roommate.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: Because I'm getting my period on her cycle now. And tampons are expensive!
Woman #2: Maybe you should live with a guy.
--Central Park
Anyone Else Find the Name "Cosmo" to Be the Most Disturbing Part of This Quote?
(a little black boy is skipping away from his group)
Middle aged black lady: Yeah, you skip Cosmo!
Nerdy 13-year-old white boy: Yeah, skip to your own fuckin' loo, motherfucker!
--6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Christiana Little
Wait 'Til He Finds Out a Coffee Is Four Dollars
Man, eyeing stranger's iced coffee: So... does that come already sweetened?
Stranger with coffee: Yeees...
Man: So... They just put ice in the coffee, and it becomes iced coffee?
Stranger with coffee: Dude, you really need to get out more.
--Elevator, Centre Street Municipal Building
Overheard by: Emma
And Yet She Claims to Be My Psychic Friend?
Corporate-dressed ghetto girl #1: So I'm like she doesn't even know me! So I go to her, "Do you even know me?" cause she don't even know me!
Corporate-dressed ghetto girl #2: She doesn't even know you.
--Pax, E 52nd St
I Think I've Realized What I Want for Dessert
Polite diner: So would you?
Girlfriend: Would I what?
Polite diner: Lick your own vagina if you could.
Girlfriend: Absolutely not.
Polite diner: Well I would, it's delicious.
--Restaurant, 11th & 2nd
The Statue Of Liberty's All About Huddled Masses Yearning to Ship Free
Teenage boy: So we get to New York, right? And I look at the sign, and it says in big letters: "Welcome to New York, home of the blah blah."
Teenage girl: "Blah blah"?
Teenage boy: Well, I really think it said: "Home of Free Shipping," which would be totally kick-ass because I really want free shipping. I mean, it's like sixty bucks to ship stuff these days!
--Penn Station
Guillermo the Flower Guy Often Gave Thorny Responses
Corporate guy, looking at flowers for sale: Are these roses?
Flower vendor: No, they're fucking tulips! Get with the program!
--East Village
Even When They Know It, They Pretend Not To
Girl: So he's French.
Flaky girl: But has he ever *tried* to speak English?
--Q Train
Overheard by: where there's a will there's a way!
He Uses Hillary Clinton Masks for That
Girlfriend: But why did he buy two Mexican wrestling masks?
Boyfriend: I mean, probably to wear during sex.
Girlfriend: Ew, really?
Boyfriend: Well, yeah. Or to wear while beating off.
Girlfriend: Ew. Like, while looking in the mirror?
Boyfriend: No.
--6th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: aclare
What Is It with Tom Brady?
Guy #1: Yeah, she's going to marry him.
Guy #2: Wouldn't you?
Guy #1 (thinks a moment): Yeah.
--R Train
Overheard by: sara n.
For Girls, Kids Are a Shelf-Life Issue
Married girl: Which means I can't have kids for another seven years!
Single guy: I didn't even know you guys were already planning on having kids.
Married guy: I didn't know either.
--Washinton Square
Old, Straight.... There's Just Nothing Hot About Her
Male NYU student #1: I find myself oddly attracted to Diane Keaton.
Male NYU student #2: that's pretty gross, dude.
(pause)
Male NYU student #2: Wait, isn't she a lesbian?
Male NYU student #1: Nah, I think that's Jodie Foster.
(pause)
Male NYU student #2: Yeah, that's pretty gross, dude.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Junkballer
Barnes & Noble Starts Importing German DVDs
Scruffy guy: I never understood that.
Taller friend: What? The dogs?
Scruffy guy: No, the fisting.
Taller guy: Oh. Well, I'm sure it stretches. There are two of them.
Scruffy guy: True.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
To Be Fair, Most New Yorkers Would Probably Just Walk Anyway
Tourist: New York City is the only place in the country that does not have right on red. It doesn't make sense.
Impatient New Yorker chick: Because you'd never get off the sidewalk.
Tourist (in a condescending way): Lady, right on red is for cars. Not for people. (rolls eyes)
--42nd & Broadway
With Guatemalans Tied to the Back
Hipster #1: Did you ever see The Brown Bunny?
Hipster #2: No, what's it about?
Hipster #1: This guy, he's a motorcycle racist...
Hipster #2: A motorcycle racist?
Hipster #1: Yeah, he races motorcycles.
--Atlantic Terminal Target
Except His Is Functional, Not Recreational
Young woman to young boy: Aw, look at the cute puppy.
Young boy: Aawww.
Young woman: See... he has a leash on just like you.
--45th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Nicole
Is Our Tourists Learning?
Blonde tourist (after swiping futilely a few times): How do I swipe this?
New Yorker (looks at card in tourist's hand): That's not a Metrocard, that's your room key.
--E Train
Overheard by: Laura
'Cause I'm Gangstrous!
White college dude with glasses: Guys, you absolutely must check out this new reality television show. It is off the hiz-ook. Literally, off the hiz-ook.
College chick: Why do we hang out with you?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Isn't Learning About Other Cultures Fun?
(little Asian girl giggles and makes snorting noise)
Park Slope mom to daughter: She's making a pig noise, Charlotte! Can you show her your pig noise?
(little Asian girl snorts again)
Park Slope mom: I think she's going to hock something up.
--F Train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
We've Spent Weeks Working on That Grotto Effect
Suit: We have water leaking from the 24th floor down to the phone boxes.
Friend: That's good. That's what we want.
--47th & 3rd
Overheard by: EthanK
Pop Quiz: How Many Mentally Unbalanced People Are in This Quote?
Girl in Mets jersey: My sister put me on anti-anxiety pills and now I'm gonna kill her!
Guy in Mets jersey: Rad! Go Mets!
--59th St & Roosevelt Ave
Overheard by: Stephen's Wife
That's, Like, All We Did in Bio Lab Last Year
Girl #1: Did you know babies have natural reflexes? Like, if you stick your finger in their hand, they'll grab it, and if you try to pull it away, they'll hold on to it for like a minute.
Girl #2: Did you know if you punch a baby in the face, it'll cry?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: mkb
And on the Third Day, George Carlin Rose
Crazy guy in camouflage: And I was like: "Fucking...what the fuck, man! Fuck it!"
Teen passerby (very seriously): I love that man.
Preppy friend: Oh my god, me too! (gives thumbs up)
--48th & 6th
Headline by: Golf Widow
Runners-Up:
· "Everyone Loves a Good Fuck" - melly
· "How Billy and Tommy Knew What Love Really Means" - Stellina
· "I Hear He's Speaking at Graduation!" - fucking fan
· "Schizophrenia Is the New Black." - Josh
· "Tourette's Groupies" - TheSchilsk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Didn't Turn Out Too Poorly for Marco Polo
Three-year-old: But mom...
Sunburnt mom: We'll put you in the toilet bowl and flush ya! We'll send you to china! Where all those people need a family now!
Three-year-old: Nooooo!
--Greenpoint
They Counted Last Year During That Scavenger Hunt
Drunk girl sitting on steps: The Hudson is better then the East River right?
Guy: What?
Drunk girl: Yeah, it definitely is... There's less dead bodies in it.
--Hudson River Boat Basin
Oh Wait--Pikachu, Right?
Boy on class trip #1: Look! The hall of Asian mammals!
Boy on class trip #2: Since when are there mammals in Asia?
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Amanda
Chicks with Wednesday One-Liners!
Chick on cell: In the past three weeks, I've been to more tranny-hosted parties than non-tranny hosted parties.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Mini-Asian teen: Well he's not a real man in the sense that he has a penis, or like, male reproductive organs.
--6 Train
Loud woman: I can't tell whether he's a lesbian or just gay.
--Bamboo 52
Overheard by: Aidan
Angry man: Suck my pussy dick!
--Canal St
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Black woman to group of friends, after watching an attractive black man walk by: Mmmmm, he so fine! I wanna stick my dick up that ass!
--Duane Reade
Bum on subway: (singing) when I go into space, I'ma take a stripper wit' me!
(woman puts a dollar bill in his cup)
Bum: I'ma take a trannie too, but the trannie cost extra!
(man puts a dollar in his cup)
Bum: La dee da!
--L Train from Williamsburg
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Fall Far from the Tree
Girl on cell passing by: That sounds great, honey, but there is no possible reason you'd need to shove an entire lime in the garbage disposal.
--Lafayette & Houston
(tourist lady eats banana)
Ferry bag lady: Why are you eating that banana? You know it's not healthy for you. They say you need potassium but you don't need no potassium. You don't want no banana, it's nasty and mushy. Throw it out. Throw out that banana. You don't want no nasty mushy banana.
(bug-eyed tourist lady continues to eat banana)
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Five-year-old girl, sitting in the grocery cart next to her twin sister, as their mother pushes them around the store: You're squishing me like a pineapple! You're squishing me like a pineapple, I said!
--9th St Market
Overheard by: Elle Woods (Chelsea Huckabay)
Old man with Boston accent to prepubescent boy: Squirt that in your nose and it's like you have a blueberry bush.
--42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Anniemal
20-year-old bakery chick: I was in Brooklyn yesterday on 18th Ave. There were three Mexicans on bikes. One was dressed like a banana. So then I walked up to him and I was like: "Dude, you're dressed like a banana and you're on a bike, that's awesome. Can I take a picture of you?"
--Bakery, Staten Island
Overheard by: Traci Cuccurullo
Loud girl: I never wash my fruit! I eat things that have fallen on the floor! And that's why I don't have allergies!
--375 Hudson St.
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Wednesday One-Liners Cunt Hardly Wait
Thuggette: She just went in there to scoop her vagina out and then she came back.
--Hudson River Park
Teenage girl on cell: Yeah, I got a Brazilian wax for the first time yesterday. And now I'm afraid of the power of my own vagina.
--1 Train
Overheard by: westchester girl
Adorable little girl: I was born in 2002, from my mom's vagina.
--New York Harbor
Overheard by: Barry P.
Man to woman: Ohhhh, is she the one with maggots in her vagina?
--51st & 9th
Overheard by: Highstein
Chick on cell: Tell her to put that in her pipe and smoke it. Or even better, in her vagina. (sarcastically) Ooh, penetration!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Poogins
Very large black man: My penis' jus' as impo-tant as her vagina.
Small meek white man: (nods in agreement or fear)
--A Train
Not Harriet Tubman's Kind of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Put your purse inside the train. I said: "purse inside the train." Inside the train, that's no real Chanel!
--E Train
Overheard by: cran
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.
--LIRR
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.
--V-train
Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.
--Metro North Train
Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Jamie
Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!
--NJ Transit
Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?
--A Train
Overheard by: Schechter
Wednesday One-Liners Won't Be Buried in the Jewish Cemetery
Girl on cell (reading US Weekly): Hey, Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee were photographed together! That means there's still hope for me and that guy from the tattoo shop!
--Brookyln Diner, Times Square
Latina: What's with grandma keeping gettin' tattoos that show?
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Justin Case de Foodisbad
Chick to another: The only thing he better get tattooed on his butt is my name!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Angela
Guy to girlfriend: Does that guy over there have a picture of Kim Jong II tattooed on his shoulder? (pause) Or is that his kid? (pause) Cause that's fucked up!
--Brighton Beach
Overheard by: Not sure myself...
Girl: So I hooked up with this guy who had a prison tattoo of an eagle ripping up the communist manifesto. I was like: "God bless America," y'know?
--N train
Overheard by: amen
Wednesday One-Liners Use "Summer" As a Verb
Older woman to friend: Down there where the servants are, you know, where the gardening people and the kitchen is, I don't go there. I just don't go there.
--38th & 5th
Overheard by: garden in manhattan?
Greek Princess shopping for wedding rings: This isn't the more expensive ring I wanted but we just bought an apartment in the 70s.
--Tiffany's Second Floor
Overprivileged teenage girl on cell: The bourgeoisie... The bourgeoisie are like, the common people.
--Union Square
College girl: No, I mean seriously: who, by the age of 25, has not been to Rome or Florence?
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Dan
Six-year-old: Mommy, how do you spell "Forbes"?
--Restaurant, Upper East Side
Overheard by: jess
Wednesday One-Liners Take Occasional Breaks to Eat and Shower
Mini-skirt on cell: Just because I had sex with you doesn't mean I gave you my phone number!
--52nd & Lexington
Brunette with a booty on her cell: You're going to be a whore this summer. (quick pause) Can you start by coming out here and whoring yourself?!
--Penn Station
Hot brunette on cell: Ohmigod. How does he do those backflips? He's like 6 feet tall and super built. He probably gets so much ass. Whatever, I would totally be his groupie.
--Midtown East
Overheard by: damn i'd be his groupie too
Bouncer to bouncer: The bible does say "Be fruitful and multiply." It doesn't say "with one person."
--West Village
Overheard by: Bible Fan
Chick: I'm not a whore, but I am not gonna miss out on a chance to fuck that bitch's boyfriend. Plus, she owes me like 30 bucks.
--L Train
Overheard by: Kelly
Wednesday One-Liners Pull a Winona
Teenage hipster to friend: Oh look, it's the Hannah Montana lip gloss I stole from a little kid!
--Uptown F Train
Overheard by: Joy
Big thug: Hey man, I'm not gonna even lie: selling candy on the train keeps me from robbing and stealing from most of ya on the train today... Hook a nigga up!
--2 Train
Overheard by: Cashiem Evans (da mad blogger)
Schoolgirl dressing down another: You took the whole backpack? Why didn't you just take what you needed to steal and leave the bag there?
--DeKalb & Clermont, Clinton Hill
Overheard by: Morning Glory
Lady on cell: So you know what happened? He stole my deodorant, and you know what was under it? My hundred dollars!
--Metro-North, 125th St Station
Overheard by: That must be some expensive deodorant
Woman yelling into cell: Don't rob them, they're Danish!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Tina
25% Of All New Yorkers Have Wednesday One-Liners
Thug on cell: Wait, so you said you needed something for herpes? (pause) I said, you need something for your herpes? (pause) Well, I smoked a little before I came over here...
--Harlem Rite Aid
Man: Your wife! Your wife! Richard Dawkins is gonna get herpes from your wife!
--French Roast, 86th & Broadway
Overheard by: zdog
Girl on cell wearing a Puerto Rican flag bandana: I dunno, I mean, I just can't keep doing this. I don't want to get herpes again.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: JLief
Girl on subway to friend: I've never looked at you and thought you looked like you had herpes.
--E Train
Mother to tween daughter, ecstatically hugging friend: Remember, girls: No sharing saliva. That's how you get herpes and ruin your summer.
--3rd & 92nd
Overheard by: rebecca
The Guerrilla Marketing of Wednesday One-Liners
Man handing out free demos: You want a CD? It's free! It's really good! It's me! (passersby ignore him) Fine, but when I die you cannot wear a t-shirt with my face on it!
--Broadway
Overheard by: porkchop sandwiches
Guy promoting comedy club: It costs less than a movie and we'll get you drunk!
--7th & 40th
Overheard by: Erin
Guy at stall: We're slashing prices today! Today's the anniversary of Lorena Bobbit!
--Street Fair, Washington Square North
Guy selling perfume: Ladies, buy one and get my number free!
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Denah
Man advertising standup comedy event: Comedy and alcohol for all you miserable bastards out there!
--Broadway
Man selling tickets to a comedy club: I hate my job! Come get drunk! Sell tickets! Sell tickets! Drinks! Drunk! Come get druuuunk!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Kate
Wednesday One-Liners Regret Listening to Their Biological Clocks
Mother to screaming toddler: Stop it. This is not your day. This is my day. Don't ruin it.
--Gourmet Garage
Southern woman to son: The WWE pose, just like we practiced in the backyard now.
--NBC Studios
Overheard by: Tracy
Mother yelling at three little well-dressed girls: Do not open that bottle of glitter! Do not! If you know glitter... (holding her arms out making a rainbow sort of gesture) Shit flies!
--Central Park
Overheard by: chellie
Very young mother to four-year-old son: Stop that! If you don't start behavin' I'm gonna send you in for the new model!
--R Train
Overheard by: Kait
Ghetto mom to young son running his hand along outside window while walking: Don't do that! You gonna get germs! Yo' hand gonna fall off!
--45th b/w 3rd & Lexington
Overheard by: Lili Von Shtupp
Very serious mother: Well, Megatron could beat Optimus because he's stronger. But Optimus is smarter, so he can outsmart Megatron.
--East Village
Mom holding little boy's hand: Forget everything you've seen today.
--Mermaid Parade, Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: Not forgetting ANYTHING we saw today
Have You Ever Read Wednesday One-Liners... on Weed?
Man on cell: Do you have any (quieter and mumbled) bagms? (pause, more intense) Do you have any (mumbled)? (one word at a time) Weed! Weed! Do you have any weeeed? (pause) No? Nothing? Well you're not much of a drug dealer then, are you?
--77th St & 3rd Ave, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Overheard by: fet
Hipster: ...becoming a teacher and then getting arrested for marijuana possession in South Korea.
--L Train
Overheard by: paola
Boy running by: They're playing frisbee! I have to roll a joint!
--Pratt Institute
Teenage girl to guy with long hair and long beard in a tie-dye shirt: You look like you could be some kind of famous stoner.
--L Train
Mother to seven-year-old son (angrily): Don't you ever tell anyone else at school that I smoke marijuana! I'll go to jail and you'll be dead! (suddenly calm) It is, however, something I personally believe people should have a right to do.
--M102 Bus
The Family Circus You Never Saw.
15-year-old girl to little brother: Do you understand? This is not a joke. If you smear poop on my computer, I will shit in your bed every day for the next two weeks.
Little brother: Yes, I'm sorry.
--Central Park Bench
He Takes All His Cues from U.S. Foreign Policy Decisions
Little boy #1: I had a fight!
Little boy #2 (clearly impressed): You did? Who did you fight?
Little boy #1, gesturing at toddler in stroller: Her.
Little boy #2 (scornfully): You didn't fight her! You bit her!
--Laundromat, Brooklyn
Overheard by: little o
Officer: "Phew! Narrowly Avoided That Paperwork."
Teen: Excuse me officer, do you guys still do that thing where you get a grand for turning in people with guns?
Cop: Yeah, if they are arrested and are in possession of illegal firearms.
Teen: So, is that like a grand per head kinda deal?
Officer: I don't think so, no.
Teen: Oh...I don't know shit. (walks away)
--Columbus Circle Station
Overheard by: Graham Davis
Just Watch Where You're Sticking That Scepter, Missy
Distressed four-year-old: But why are you walking in front of me?
Father: Honey, I know you're the princess, but that doesn't mean I can't walk in front of you.
--101st & Amsterdam
The Difference Between Delivery and DiGiorno
Female coworker: I would pay for it.
Male coworker: You are paying for it, they're just not putting it in.
--16th & 5th
Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl
God, I Love Playing Grand Theft Auto
Frat boy #1: I feel like I just had sex.
Frat boy #2: Yeah, I know the feeling.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Commuter
Isn't That the Highest Compliment Among Your People?
Queer #1: Sometimes you remind me of Donny Osmond.
Queer #2: Sometimes you remind me of an asshole.
--NYU
My Webcam Tested Negative
Girl: Did you use a condom?
Boy: Nope.
Girl: You're going to get an STD!
Boy: No, I'm not. It's okay.
Girl: That's what you said last time!
--Union Square
Gene Simmons: What?! I Fucking Quit!
High school hipster #1: Dude, you know that guy Ray Simmons?
High school hipster #2: Who?
High school hipster #1: Ray Simmons, Ray Simmons. I dunno dude, the fucking guy from KISS.
High school hipster #3: Richard Simmons.
High school hipster #1: Yeah, that's it, Richard Simmons.
--Path Train to NYC
Overheard by: sweatin' to the oldies
Though I'd Probably Have Been Smited by Now
Suit #1: I have to leave at five today.
Suit #2: Why?
Suit #1: I have to go to church.
Suit #2: Jesus Christ! I wish I was religious.
--New York Post
Plus, I Got You That Golden Ticket, Veruca
Three-year-old: I have a lot of M&Ms at mommy's house.
Dad: Yes, but you get more snacks at daddy's house.
--Path Train
Overheard by: Jatmos
I Wept Profusely Throughout
Emo kid: Dude, have you seen Alvin and the Chipmunks yet?
Big black guy: No, not yet.
Emo kid: It was off the hook!
Big black guy: Really?!
--Starbucks, Port Authority
For Me, Getting Married Would Be Like Playing Madhouse
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god! Getting married is like playing house! It sucks!
Drunk girl #2: Yeah! I never want to get married or have kids. I have too many mental illnesses to pass along.
--L Train
Good Point-- Fuck Those Furry Little Bastards
Little guy to big guy wearing fur hat: You know, wearing fur is murder.
Big guy wearing fur hat: So is me pushing you off the train.
--A Train
Thanks for the Recipe, Pampered Chef!
Thug #1: Yo, what it mean when you call a woman "apple bottom"?
Thug #2 (half asleep): Cake.
Thug #1 to thugette: See woman, I told you it mean you got cake.
--1 Train
Overheard by: bianca's boyfriend
The... Dude Police?
(drunk group of 20-somethings stumble out of a bar onto the street)
Unstable random lady: Alcoholic! You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous!
Drunk guy: Dude, just mind your own business.
Unstable random lady: Don't call me dude! I'll call the cops on you!
--W 3rd & Thompson
Sorry, I Prefer My Men Filtered
Redneck guy: Hey, got an extra cigarette?
Hipster guy with hipster girl next to him: No, sorry man.
Redneck guy: Well, can I fuck her then?
--43rd & 7th
Overheard by: no, she's mine
I'm Just Gonna Pop Out for a Cigarette
Long Island lady #1: Okay. I get what he's doing now. I'm moving on to the landscapes. Join me when you're done.
Long Island lady #2 (still entranced): Um. Yes. Yes, I'm done too.
--Nude Room, Gustave Courbet Exhibit, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Colleen
And I've Completely Committed to the Role
ER doctor to bloody man with legs strapped to gurney: So, what's going on here?
Patient: I'm a drunk.
--Bellevue Emergency Treatment Room
Overheard by: judith currin
Today It's a Lolly. Tomorrow It's a BMW
(waiting in line)
Four-year-old kid: Mommy, I really want a lollipop!
Mom: Uhuh, move up here honey.
Kid: Mom! Just give in, I want a lollipop, okay?
(mother ignores him)
Kid: Just give in, it's okay, I want one. It's okay to give in, mom.
(pause)
Kid: Mom, this isn't going to work for me! I want a lollipop!
Random guy in line: Resist!
--Associated Supermarkets, Bleecker & LaGuardia
Overheard by: CaitlinisNewHere
See How Easy It Is Finding Someone to Tell You What to Do?
Ditzy blonde: I know you'll think this is stupid, but I was thinking of going to a life coach. A life coach or a really good psychic.
Brunette friend: You know what? I do think it's stupid. Here, I'll be your life coach: Fuck psychics, and go get a job. Oh, and don't get fired this time. You're fixed now.
--Metro North-Harlem
When Cow Tipping Goes Bad
Younger guy: She was a bit fatter than I expected.
Older guy: Well, you still did the deed though?
Younger guy: Yes, of course I did. I had the beer goggles on to protect me but it was hard to keep the cattle prod charged.
Older guy: Well, it's not the pussy's fault.
--42nd & Avenue of the Americas
Headline by: chubba
Runners-Up:
· "Also, Her Tail Kept Getting in the Way" - sam
· "I Learned a Lot That Summer on the Ranch..." - Mark
· "If Only I Had My +5 Armor with +2 Strength." - Bevan
· "It's the Whale Attached to It" - Bizzznatch
· "They Always Blame the Cat, Never the Dog..." - Steve Gotz
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Every Artist Has His Own Medium
Drunk black guy #1: That's when I started cooking with weed. The Jamaicans told me you can cook with it.
Drunk black guy #2: Yeah?
Drunk black guy #1: I made chicken soup with that shit. I had soupy chicken weed. I was high as fuck.
Drunk black guy #2: Yeah?
Drunk black woman: You ever had weed fishcakes? Weed fishcakes. I make that shit.
Drunk black guy #2: Fishcakes?
Drunk black woman: And pork fried weed.
Drunk black guy #1: I want to come to your parties. You creative.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey
I've Moonwalked on Water
Driver: So if I had to choose an age to die, I'd choose 24.
Van mate: Oh, you'd one-up Jesus.
Driver: Man, I've been one-upping Jesus my whole life. That's all I do.
--West Side Highway
You Let Me Smoke Your Weed and I Let You Stare at My Boobs?
Girl: When I found out he was all about sex, the crush was all over.
Dude: Oh, come on. I'm sure he's more mature now.
Girl: Why are you trying to pawn me off on all these guys? I mean, come on, sex is not cool.
Dude: Why are we friends?
--Cafe Esperanto
Jason Concluded That Very Little of This Was About Him
Sobbing woman: I can't believe he never called me back! And to think I gave him a chance!
Short friend: I bet he's just sidetracked, give him some time!
Tall friend: Or maybe he's with another woman!
Short friend: Oh, don't think that! You beautiful, and smart, and... (cellphone rings)
Sobbing woman: (looks at phone) Who the fuck is Jason? (answers phone) Hello? Oh, hi Jason, this is Melinda*, remember? I went on a date with you last week! I'd just like to say, thanks for fucking my friend!
--49th & Lexington
Bear in Mind, I've Seen That Video Of You and the Other Girl
Mom: We should call up doctor Katz* so he can check you up, figure out your measurements and percentiles.
Kid: I like it when I pee in the cup!
Mom: Oh, do you?
Kid (as they exit the train): Yeah. Do you like the cup mommy? Do you? Do you?
--1 Train
Overheard by: RG
Now You Have to Schlep Out to Queens for That Sort of Entertainment
Chick: So what are the most dangerous places in New York these days?
Dude #1: I don't know. Hell's Kitchen used to be the worst.
Dude #2: What about Harlem?
Dude #1: I guess Harlem's still bad, but it's not like it used to be where everybody would be waiting around to stab lost white people.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
And Then We'd Have a Reason to Drink
Hipster dude: Hey, wanna know the best way to not get carded at restaurants?
Hipster chick: Offer blowjobs?
Hipster dude: Naw, we could kidnap a kid, train it to call us mommy and daddy, and bring it with us everywhere when we wanna drink.
--7th & Bleecker
Can We Take a Picture with the Pissed-Off Guy, Honey?
(spectators gather behind a wall of paparazzi taking pictures)
Tourist woman: Who is that?
Guy #1: David Wright and Willie Randolph.
Tourist woman: Who are they?
Guy #1: Baseball players.
Tourist woman: Ooooh. Which team?
Guy #1: The Mets.
Tourist woman: Oh. Honey! It's just the Mets, let's go.
Guy #2 (with Mets hat): Hey! Fuck you!
--43rd & Broadway
Overheard by: am
...Wait-- Was That a Sex Joke?
(back door opens and closes, then the bus starts moving)
Obnoxious Hispanic Emo girl: Back doooor! Back doooor!
Bus driver: What the fuck!? Speak up, I don't have all day!
Obnoxious girl: Back dooooor!
Bus driver: I have a family! I'm tired! I want to go home!
Obnoxious girl: Back doooooooor.
Bus driver: Ladies and gentlemen, our future.
--Bx41
Overheard by: If He's Dissapointed with this I hope he never walks into one of New York's public schools
Meet the Author of How to Make a Straight Guy Shut Up
Guy at bar: I'm sorry if I'm being an asshole.
Gay bartender: Oh, don't worry -I deal with assholes all the time.
--Montien, 12th & 3rd
Jesus Wept
Late teenage girl #1: I was gonna go to college but I got pregnant.
Late teenage girl #2: So did I.
Late teenage girl #1: How old is your kid?
Late teenage girl #2: My kid is four. What about yours?
Late teenage girl #1: She's three. I should have gone to college. My grades were so good I got accepted to Sylvan Learning Center.
Late teenage girl #2 (serious): Wow, you must be smart.
--A Train
Like, What's with the Curly Hair?
Nurse #1: So what are you guys doing for passover?
Nurse #2: Nothing.
Nurse #1: No Seder?
Nurse #2: I'm not Jewish.
Nurse #1: No way? Really?
Nurse #2: Really.
Nurse #1: Yes, you are.
Nurse #2: I'm not.
Nurse #1: You totally are. I know you are.
--Mount Sinai Hospital
Overheard by: Janis
She Also Needs to Emerge Victorious from Every Conversation
(waiting for a train near the last few cars)
Guy: This train looks pretty crowded.
Girl: Yeah. Good thing Jackie isn't with us.
Guy: What do you mean?
Girl: If Jackie can't ride in the first car, she'll wait for the next train.
Guy: Why?
Girl: "Because you get there first!" she says. Jackie! The whole train gets there at the same time!
--Pen Station
Overheard by: GregLarry
Then They Both Linked Arms and Skipped Off to Eternal Damnation
(group of black teenagers board the train)
Teenage girl: Goddamn, there are a lot of people on this train.
Middle-aged Mexican woman: How dare you? How dare you! I am a Christian and I will not put up with this. Not on my train. You are disrespecting our Lord and every Christian on this train! God sent his beloved son Jesus down to the earth to save our souls, and I will not put up with hearing you speak against him. I am a Christian and... Nah, I'm just fucking with 'ya.
--E Train
Overheard by: fusoya
I'm the Hippie Equivalent of Karl Rove
Short shaggy-haired guy: Hahaha, I know, right? (pause) Wait, I don't get it.
Tall shaggy-haired guy: I don't get it either, man. I just say stuff.
--3rd Ave b/w 14th & 15th
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