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Next Time We Go Shoe Shopping, Your Grandpa's Staying at Home
Creepy old man to teenage girls: Oh my god! Your feet! They're so beautiful. The toes and everything!
Teenage girl #1: Did he just say my... feet?
Teenage girl #2: Yes, he definitely just said our feet. Toes and everything.
Teenage girl #1: Figures.
--14th & 6th
Now Excuse Me While I Adjust My Leg-Warmers and Leave Haughtily
Middle-aged woman (begging): Excuse me, but you wouldn't happen to be carrying any hairspray in your purse, would you?
Slightly younger woman (patronizing): Um, nobody does that any more.
--Lobby Bathroom, Grand Hyatt Hotel
Which Absorbs Heat, So It's Hard to Stay Cool
Hipster #1: I still can't tell the difference. What's the difference between the cool kids and the black kids?
Hipster #2: Duh. Black kids are black.
--McCarren Pool Party, Brooklyn
Overheard by: bill
I Pray That Someday His Bell Will Save Me
Gay or foreign guy #1: But it has sentimental value to you. So you can say, "I have this memory."
Gay or foreign guy #2: But that's not why I have the picture of Mario Lopez.
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Ladle
So...Distinguished-Sounding
Guy #1: The Caribbean? I would never move down there man. I mean you got all those hurricanes and shit.
Guy #2: You crazy man, you know Chi Chi Rodriguez lives down there?
Guy #1: Chi Chi lives down there?
Guy #2: Hells yeah, and you know it, with a name like Chi Chi you can't go wrong.
Guy #1: (nods in agreement)
--Bank Line, 50th & 3rd
Overheard by: luigimen
Probably a Story There-- I Beg You Not to Tell It
Girl eating chocolate cake to woman in next cubicle: Oh my god, this is so good--I think even you would eat this cake.
Woman in next cubicle: I don't eat nothing coming off of Long Island.
--Random NYU Administration Office
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Now What About the Statute of Librarians?
Guy with thick accent: Where you get off to the Walton Center?
NY chick: The what?
Guy with thick accent: The Walton Center.
NY chick: Do you know what street it's on?
Guy with thick accent: No, no. You know, the Walton Center.
NY chick: I'm sorry, I don't know where that is.
Guy with thick accent: The Walton Center! The buildings, they fall, they fall!
NY chick: You mean the World Trade Center?
Guy with thick accent: Yes!
NY chick: Fulton Street and fuck you.
--Uptown 5 Train
That's the Last Catholic Christening We'll Be Attending
Guy (surprised): But there was no mangina there!
Girl (equally surprised): Yeah! There was nobody wearing any strap-on parts at all! I was disappointed.
--Pete's Candy Store, Williamsburg
Earthquakes Happen When California Eats a Bad Burrito
Suit #1: Yeah, you know the San Andreas Fault?
Suit #2: What about it?
Suit #1: Well you know, dude, it's like the nation's asscrack.
--40th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Remind me not to live there...
A Spirited Game of More-Than-Twenty Questions
Trendy Latina #1: Is it an insect?
Trendy Latina #2: Yes!
Trendy Latina #1: So it's an ant-eater?
Trendy Latina #2: No!
--Long Island RR
One More Reason Girls Go to the Bathroom in Groups
Girl #1: (about friend in restroom) Oh my god! She is being such a bitch!
Girl #2: I know! I can't believe she said we were just as bad!
Girl #1: Yeah, I mean, at least we tell people to their faces!
Girl #2: Yeah. Oh, quiet! She's coming back.
--Beans Cafe, 57th St
Overheard by: Kiara
Just When You Thought Afterschool Specials Were Contrived and Unrealistic
Hipster teen boy: Wouldn't it be like, fucking crazy if straight edge was cool?
Teen girl: Yeah, I guess, but that would never happen because I mean like, ciggs just make you like, cool.
Hipster boy: Yeahhh.
--A Train
At the End Of the Day, It's All About Big Bits
(about the Sex and the City movie)
Woman #1 : Yeah, I never saw the series but I think I'll still understand the movie.
Woman #2: Oh, yeah. I watched the whole series 'til the end.
Woman #1: Which one's Carrie?
Woman #2: Sarah Parker is Carrie. Yeah, and she was with this guy for a loooooong time. A loooong long time.
Woman #1: Yeah?
Woman #2: Yeah, they call him "Mista bits."
Woman #1: What do they call him?
Woman #2: Mista bits.
--Downtown E Train
Overheard by: E
...Actually, No, That's a Lie
Girlfriend: Why do you always lie to me?
Boyfriend: Because it is the only way you will take me seriously!
--Plaza Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: roux42
[title Of Show] Is Even a Dumpy Title
Old obnoxious wife: Why is this set so dumpy? It's not a real set.
Old obnoxious husband: I think it might be ironic... It says "Look! We're on Broadway with a dumpy set!"
Young obnoxious girl in front of them (obviously a fan of the show): That's kind of the point. It's four chairs and a keyboard. And that's all they need to be successful. If you pay attention to the show, you'll find this out.
Old obnoxious husband: Oh, well... that's... poetic.
Old obnoxious wife: It's still dumpy!
--Lyceum Theatre, W 45th St
As John Stossel Explained, in That Completely Balanced Report
Drunk guy to friend: Everybody knows that if you're a Boy Scout in the Midwest, you're a fucking asshole.
Friend: I know.
--43rd St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Joey
An Occupational Hazard of Kicks to the Head
Older gentleman: You know, I used to date a Rockette.
Younger woman: Oh, really? Cool!
Older gentleman: ...a cross-eyed one.
Younger woman: They're the best kind.
--Outside Radio City Music Hall
And Watch Pop-Up Videos
Homeless druggie chick: I'm waaay smarter than you!
Homeless druggie dude: No way, I'm crazy smart and shit.
Homeless druggie chick: Well, I know tons of shit that you don't, like that Manhattan is the only city in America that doesn't have a Main Street, and that mosquitoes have 47 teeth!
Homeless druggie dude (very impressed): Daaamn you are smart! How did you know that?!
Homeless druggie chick: I read Snapple caps, bitch!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kiki
Nobody's More Prejudiced Than the Victims Of Prejudice
Young man #1: You know, I don't get it. Why am I being ostracized?
Young man #2: Those girls.
Young man #1: So what if I hang out with those girls! I like girls as... you know... friends. It's not like I'm straight or anything.
Young man #2: But, Jerry... You fucked all of them! You're not gay.
Young man #1: Just because I like to fuck girls doesn't make me straight, Okay? Geez!
Young man #2: Really? And all this time I thought that's exactly what it meant.
Young man #1: It just means I don't like assholes.
Young man #2: You're still not going with us to the drag show. Get over it.
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Tara O'Sullivan
If Daddy Doesn't Get Croissant at Home, He'll Look Elsewhere
Mom pushing stroller: May I have some of your croissant?
Little girl in stroller: Yeah, but not daddy.
Mom: Oh, you don't want daddy to have any of your croissant?
Little girl: Yeah.
Mom: You want to control who gets to eat your croissant?
Little girl: Yeah.
Mom: You want control of your croissant?
Little girl: ...yeah.
Mom: You want croissant power?
Little girl: (silence)
Mom: You want to be Captain croissant?
Little girl: (silence)
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Commodore Croissant
A Muscle Shirt With Holes? The Jury's Reached a Verdict
Latina hipster: He loved my hair!
Latino hipster: They was all faggots. It was fags that loved your hair.
Latina: He didn't sound gay. And he had holes in his shirt.
Latino: Was he wearing polyester?
Latina: No.
Latino: See?
--A Train
Overheard by: Drew
...in Sheep's Clothing
Black gay guy: I thought she was a girl. Michelle thought she was a girl, too.
Michelle: I thought she was a young boy.
--4th St & Bedford Ave
Guys: Lucky Thirteen
Tall B&T girl: So then we made out and were all over each other and it was all PDA, and then we lost our virginities to each other. And I felt guilty because I was, like, 18, and he was, like, a minor.
Short B&T girl: Well how old was he?
Tall B&T girl: (silence)
Short B&T girl: Come on, most guys are like 15 when they lose their virginity.
Tall B&T girl: He was thirteen.
Short B&T girl: Oh.
--75th & Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
How the Handsome Prince Came to Be Cursed by the Witch
Old lady: Excuse me, could you help me move these bags?
Young teen (looking a bit confused and pissed off): Um. Sure.
(the teen moves the bags around the cart)
Old lady: Thank you. Could you help me pull up my pants?
Young teen: No, I cannot help you pull up your pants. I came here for some Advil, not to help you pull up your goddamn pants.
--CVS, 92nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Jayla M
Translation: "God, I Need a Woman."
Man: Yeah, my mother raised me right. I make sure I eat breakfast every day.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: I have sardines and grits every day.
Woman: Sardines?
Man: Hell, yes. Sometimes I give some of the gravy to the cats, and they go crazy for it. I mean, it don't matter if they just ate or nothing, they just love the gravy.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: Gravy. I usually give them a little of whatever I cook. You know, and then they either eat it or they don't. They like turn their heads away if they don't like it. But they sure like gravy. Gravy.
--B26 Bus, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
How Piss Fights Originated.
(Asian guy cuts in front of black guy in suit and starts peeing into toilet)
Black guy in suit: I was here first.
Asian guy: I have to go more.
Black guy in suit: Move or I am going to piss on your back, motherfucker.
(Black guy now stands side by side with Asian guy at toilet, both actually peeing into same toilet while trying to push each other away)
--W 4th Pizza Place
I Mean, Who Wants to See Seussical the Musical?
Girl #1: I met a guy. He's paying for tickets.
Girl #2: Oh, does he have money?
Girl #1: Of course! I wouldn't do it otherwise.
--Forest Hills
At Least She's Unlikely to Vote
Young man: Excuse me ma'am, but do you support Barack Obama?
Young mother: Who?
Young man: Barack Obama.
Young mother: Who?
Young man: Ba-rack O-ba-ma.
Young mother: I don't know who that is.
Young man: Have you been following the elections?
Young mother: The what?
Young man: Nevermind.
--42nd St & 6th Ave
We Prefer the Blue Wall of Silence
Drunk guy #1: I'm a cop, you idiot!
Drunk guy #2: You're a cop, you fucking bastard?
Drunk guy #1: I'm a cop, you idiot!
Drunk guy #2: You're a fucking cop?!
Drunk guy #1: I'm a cop, you idiot!
Drunk guy #3: I'm a cop you idiot! It's not a tumor!
--3rd Ave & 92nd St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mallory
Foot Corns Are So Heteronormative
(at the gay pride festival)
Girl handing out stickers: Do you want a sticker?
Lady with a lot of stickers on: Fo' sho I'll take a sticker... and a cheeseburger, and some ice for the corn on my right foot.
Girl (looking discouraged): Ew.
--Hudson & Jane St
Overheard by: Jessica
When I'm Still Too Hungover to Care About the Customers
Foreign guy: And listen, this coffee, it's for my friend. And he doesn't want it black, but he doesn't want too much milk in it. Can you handle that, my friend?
Cashier: We don't put milk in your coffee, sir.
Foreign guy: What? My friend needs milk!
Cashier: You put the milk in yourself, sir. It's right over there.
Foreign guy: He also wants Equal. No sugar. My friend, my friend, do you think you can handle that?
Cashier: The sugar is right over there.
Foreign guy: I need a cup for this milk and sugar because I don't know how much my friend wants.
Cashier: I have to start working the morning shift.
--Starbucks, 40th & Lexington
Overheard by: clp
None of My Relationships Are Any of Your Business
Man reciting gospel on a train: And you, sir, have you accepted Jesus into your life?
Passenger: A long time ago, baby. Now fuck off.
--1 Train
They'll Make You the Life of the Party
(looking at the blown up condoms)
Boy: Dad, I don't think those are balloons.
Dad: No, they're balloons.
--Nokia Theatre
Overheard by: Kristina
If Only There Were a Hallmark Card...
Woman #1: So how did Becky's insemination go?
Woman #2: Oh, didn't you hear? She's pregnant.
Woman #1: Oh, that's great!
--F Train
Overheard by: katherine
Headline by: SAtCW
Runners-Up:
· "I Knew If That Man Could Do It She Could Too!" - J
· "Labrador or Lesbian? You Make the Call" - joaquin carvel
· "Now She Can Have the Abortion She Always Wanted" - JohnAustin
· "Remember When It Used to Be Called "The Prom"" - Powder Blue Tuxedo
· "She Was So Drunk, But We Thought It'd Be Funnier Than a Tattoo" - Thug Auditor
· "The Best Part? Her Husband Thinks It Was Immaculate!" - Jim
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Participated in the Cosmetics Counter Sit-Ins at Greensboro
Old woman: Did you happen to notice if the dancers were wearing nail polish?
Teen girl: No. I'm sorry, I didn't.
Old woman: I imagine an art form such as this stifles the dancers' individual expression. I know some days I feel watermelon pink... and no one can stop me!
--Front Row, NYC Ballet, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Gina Sophia
Wait!....Can I Have Your Broken Shoe?
Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: Oh look, you broke your shoe, and you're pregnant.
Hugely pregnant woman: Yes.
Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: Well bitch, just go to the ATM, get $20, and get a new pair of shoes. White folks got all the money.
Hugely pregnant woman: (silence)
Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: You know what? God broke your shoe. He broke it cause you hate black people.
Hugely pregnant woman: Umm, this is my stop.
--2 Train
Overheard by: courtney
I Could Fetch Better Than That Any Day of the Week
Hipster girl (after playing with a stranger's dog and its tennis ball): Bye, dog! Awww.
Hipster dude in fedora: Pfft. Dog thinks it's so fucking smart.
--Atlantic & Smith, Brooklyn
Wednesday's Great With One-Liners
Eight-year-old girl, singing: Fat lips, big lips, get your pregnant lips here!
--6 Train
Out-of-breath man on steps: Okay, man, breathe. Breathe like you're having your first child!
--W4 Subway
Overheard by: Keep Pushing On!
Pregnant woman on cell: So, yeah, I'm about 5 centimeters dilated, so I'm going to get a Tasti D-Lite and then go to the hospital.
--Rockefeller Center
Hot skinny, Asian girl to hot, skinny, blonde friends: So, am I going to get pregnant this month or what?
--57th & Park
Overheard by: would have liked to help her
Girl on phone: Okay, so I got the pregnancy test and the vodka. We'll see which one wins.
--6 Train
Wednesday One-Liners Want You to Know About the Size of Their Bank Accounts
Yuppie on cell (trying to be discreet): Hey mom. Are you busy? Could you Google Maps me? I'm on Houston and West Broadway. Yeah, I didn't want to ask anyone for directions and make a fool of myself. Although I'm pretty sure I just did, because half of this coffee shop is looking at me now.
--W Houston
Overheard by: Let's face it, we were all new at one point.
40-something yuppie woman: And then I realized that my biggest problem in life is that most of the time I'm incredibly happy, but I'm not aware of how happy I am.
--81st & Madison
Yuppie dad to seven-year-old daughter: Now when you start buying iPods, that's when you're going to want to have a Visa card.
--Stanton & Christie
Overheard by: Ross
Three-year-old yuppie spawn: Noooooooooooo! I don't want Pad Thai! I want sushi!
--Dice Thai, Prospect Park
Overheard by: I'll take sushi too but you're payin', kid
Mellow Yellow Wednesday One-Liners
Latina: I don't care what a guy says, I'm not gonna let him piss on me.
--Vesey Street & Broadway
Overheard by: Sam
Giggling four-year-old boy: Yeah, and there was a sign and it said, "Caution: someone peed here!"
--Waverly & W 11th
Bimbo: And he was like, "Sarah, you pissed the bed" and I was like, "Whaaaaat?" and he was like, "Sarah, get up, you pissed the fucking bed!"
--Theater District
Overheard by: Paul
Girl on cell: Alright, fine, but if you pee on me again, we're done!
--C Train
Overheard by: Laura
Guy, in disbelief: You mean you've never been pissed on before?!
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Josh
Girl: Would it be considered indecent exposure if I peed in the sink?
--Lyceum Theatre
Girl to friend: Her?! She totally splashes her urine.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Ellen
When It's Dry and Ready, with Wednesday One-Liner I Shall Play
Professor: This episode contains a bunch of Jewish stereotypes, so I want to show a lot of it.
--Lincoln Center, Fordham University
Overheard by: Hartley
Boy with chinstrap and McDreamy quaff: Yo man, you tellin' me you never heard the story about when we got chased down by 1,000 Jews?!
--7-Eleven, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Brandi, Anna and a bunch of other people
Stunning black girl with big afro, to nebbishy guy eating Chinese food: I can be Jewish in three months. Does it require any money? No! Fuck you! I can be Jewish in three months!
--back garden at madame x
Overheard by: Erica
Woman walking past Young Frankenstein posters: Oh my god! Mel Brooks is like my favorite old Jew ever!! Well, except for Moses and Abraham.
--Hilton Theater
Overheard by: Roy
Hipster on cell: Your friend just came up to me, grabbed my nose, and asked, "Are you Jewish?"
--Piano's Lounge
Overheard by: Brittany Smith
Mysterious and intense voice amid grunts and groans: Oh yeah! Give it to me, you fucking Jewish dickhead!
--Building, 46th & 10th
Overheard by: Not a Sexual AntiSemite
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Stuff of Myth
Really pissed mom: And do you know what size unicorn they tried on her first? Medium.
--Macy's
Cafe employee, about pastries: Those look like fairy testicles.
--HopScotch Cafe
Overheard by: bildita
Guy yelling to passers-by: You're all materialistic, yuppie, vampire kings!
--W4th & Cornelia
Overheard by: greg
Man on cell: So Santa Claus will be there?
--Broadway & Wall St
Woman: When she was a newborn she looked exactly like Yoda, and then she grew up into Dopey.
--Penn Plaza
Five-year-old boy looking out of window: Ahh! I hate the sun! Vampires hate the sun!
--Q Train
Overheard by: LoRna
Around the World in Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: Mount Olympus is just, like, one giant trailer park.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jessica
Guy: People in Vietnam are different than us.
--Park & 24th
Overheard by: Sabrina
Girl to friend: Say something in British, or wherever you're from... Switzerland!
--8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Larry
Supposedly well-traveled woman: But you know where I want to go next? Buenos Aires! They haven't changed to the Euro yet.
--3rd & B
Hipster: I'm going to punch Uzbekistan.
--West 42nd St
Hipster girl to boyfriend: People like you, you're the reason people die in Mexico!
--18th & 1st
Overheard by: Jessica
Hey, Bra, Check Out These Sweet Wednesday One-Liners
Frat boy: That is the last time I am *ever* jacking off to gay porn.
--Gristedes, 42nd St
Overheard by: ...while sober or drunk?
Frat boy to another frat boy staring intently at a young woman dressed as a Hogwarts student: I am really drunk!
--14th St & University Place
Midwest frat dude: The ugliest girls in New York City are like the hottest girls I've ever seen!
--St.Marks & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: slohmie
Frat boy: Dude, I'm not hating -I love gay guys. All I'm saying is -they buy a lot of Kosher wine.
--23rd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Dina
Frat boy: We've had sex everywhere... In cars, in public places...I've seen her vagina more times than I've seen my mother's!
--Wagner College
Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their Eyes Peeled for Movie Stars
Tourist backpacker with hands on subway doors: Do these open on their own?
--1 Train
Tourist mom to uncool son: Well, that's what you get for trying to be a hipster!
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: j
Tourist: Holy moly, look at that Olive Garden! It's huge! I wish I lived here!
(takes a picture of the restaurant)
--Times Square
Obese Midwestern woman to obese Midwestern man: Oooh, Applebee's... Now I feel at home here!
--Times Square
Southern tourist guy: I thought people in Greenwich Village would look stranger.
--Bleecker Street
Tourist from west coast, after observing the locals for a few innings: You know, Seinfeld makes so much more sense to me now.
--Cheap Seats, Coney Island Cyclones
Overheard by: Kevin Eliasen
Everyone's Had at Least One Crazy Wednesday One-Liner
College girl to her boyfriend: Yeah, but you always make sexual advances on my roommates.
--Lincoln Center
Serious student: Yeah, well, I really don't want to talk about my roommate's penis anymore.
--LaGuardia & Washington Square South
Chick to friend: It's not about the toilet paper, his roommate only used baby wipes.
--Spring St & Mott St
Overheard by: Nick Caylor
NYU kid on cell: I'm still hoping to live in housing next year unless my roommates find out that I got arrested.
--Mercer & Waverly
Young suit into cell: You pissed on my toothbrush!? What the fuck? Fine, I'll get you a new pouffe... Fuck you! Pink or purple? Just get me a new toothbrush! You know what kind! Always, right? The blue ones or the yellow ones? Well, did you get your period or no? Okay... Okay... fine... fine... fine! Look, I'll be home around seven, okay? (yelling) I don't care who you're fucking, it's your turn to cook! Right, fine, talk later, okay? (hangs up, to very attractive female companion) She's really just my roommate...
--82nd & Lexington
Wednesday One-Liners Sound Kinda Non-U
Student: Yeah, someone who plays the cello is a cellist, someone who makes art is an artist, and someone who writes poetry is a poist.
--Hunter College High School
Heavily accented Asian cashier to heavily accented Asian coworker: What!? Speaka English, por favor.
--J2 Deli, W 18th St
Overheard by: nick m
Bimbo looking at scoreboard: I think the "e" stands for "exqualifications" You know, for when a player is "exqualified".
--Yankees Stadium
Lady: I know what I am, he ain't gonna labelize me.
--Washington Square Park
Real estate agent: And all the doormen and service staff are Easter European.
--Park Avenue
Overheard by: Looking for an apartment
Ghetto college girl: I'll talk to you later, I gots to get my learn on, girl.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Corey
It's High Noon on Wednesday One-Liners' Sun Dials
Girl to boyfriend: Your idea of romance is an 8-ball and trying to get a hard-on!
--12th & Broadway
Preppy girl: Nothing turns me on like carbon monoxide!
--Lucky Jack's
Overheard by: Argopelter
Excited suit: He came out of the womb with a woody!
--1st Ave & 10th
Overheard by: moodle
Girl on cell: I heart you like an erection!
--34th & 2nd
Jock/pretty boy: Dude, I don't know why but she'd always give me boners in the middle of class.
--St Marks & 2nd Ave
Chick: It's all erections and prostates, erections and prostates! Could we have our check, please?
--Arctica Bar & Grill, 3rd Ave & 27th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
If Wednesday One-Liners Could Turn Back Time...
Girl on cell: It's 111 Columbus. No, Columbus as in the guy who discovered the world.
--Houston & Broadway
Guy to group: Napoleon is the funniest guy ever!
--Fordham University, Bronx
Overheard by: Krisztina
Hipster: Europe is cool, you know, because the towns are like soil samples when you look at them. You can pull the historical soil sample and see the layers of crustaceans and stuff.
--Party, Park Slope
20-something girl to friends: Mix tapes are like a little piece of history.
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jo King
Male professor: Remember for your papers, John Brown was hanged, not hung. He might have been hung too but that is a different topic.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Go Rams!
I'm So Angry My Hair Is Deflating
Conductor: This train doesn't go to Secaucus. You've got to get off at the next stop and wait for the train right behind this one.
Joisey wife: What??
Conductor: It's just one stop on the train right behind this one. (leaves)
Joisey wife: What did he say?
Joisey husband: It's one more stop, then it's Secaucus.
Joisey wife: No, he said we need to change trains or something.
Joisey husband: This is so damn confusing. We're never doing this again.
--Penn Station bound NJ Transit Train
Overheard by: Greg
Since When Is "Jingle Bells" a Christian Song?
NYU girl #1 (singing): "Jingle bells/Jingle bells..."
NYU girl #2: Would you stop singing Christmas music, you're Jewish! Sing "Dreidel, dreidel"!
NYU girl #1: Ewwww.. No, I hate that stupid Jew song!
--Q Train
The Inverted Boobies Make a Great Snack Tray
Guy #1: Yeah, I saw this chick that was almost hot.
Guy #2: Almost?
Guy #1: Yeah... all her curves were going the wrong way.
--E Train
...According to Martha Stewart Living
(movie set in SoHo)
Actor (showing where the fake blood stained his hands red): Man, if real blood did this it would be a lot easier to catch people.
Black guy: Man, ain't that the truth. A little hand sanitizer and that shit come right off.
--Houston & Sullivan
I Told Her to Stop Dating Elephants
16-year-old girl #1: Did you hear about Mary?
16-year-old girl #2: What about her? Did she finally have her baby? It's been 14 months!
16-year-old girl #1: Nope, she's still pregnant, it's due any day now.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Rhonda
And You Know I'm Limber Enough to Do It
(drunk guy attempts to do a split in the middle of the train car)
Woman: Oh wow, that's much better than I could've done.
Drunk guy: I will kill you.
--R Train
Overheard by: jangbang
There's Always Tension Between Tradition and Modernity
Queer: I hate that I missed your birthday.
Artsy girl: Brad, you were at my 21st birthday party. You gave me that paint-it-yourself Menorah.
Queer (laughing): Oh yeah... Did you ever paint it? Do you still have it?
Artsy girl: Actually, it broke. Lee gave me these thongs as a present, and they somehow got all tangled up and it fell...
Queer: Wait... Are you telling me my Menorah died by thong?
--M Train
Overheard by: Not such a bad way to go
There's a Mustard Party Next Week If You're Interested
Super serious, energized young professional #1: So my roommates are totally into mustard.
Super serious, energized young professional #2: Yes. Love it.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Zach
There's Really Only One Jersey Story, Anyway
Tourist teen #1: You know they made Jersey Boys into a movie?
Tourist teen #2: Really?
Tourist teen #1: Yeah, it was called Jersey Girl with Ben Affleck.
--Eugene O'Neill Theatre
For Me, but Not for My Doppelgänger
Girl: That club is the worst thing to happen to this neighborhood.
Guy: Why? Have you been there?
Girl: No, but I live in this neighborhood. I know what it's about.
Guy: Wait... You live in Brooklyn.
Girl: Yeah, because this neighborhood is too fucking expensive.
--1st Ave &1 St, East Village
Thank God I Don't Have a Penis Anymore
20-something chick: So one of the side effects of my anti-depressive medication is a complete lack of sexual desire.
20-something dude: Oh well, mine don't do that!
20-something chick: Uh... okay?
20-something dude: ... just saying.
20-something chick: They also make it harder for men to ejaculate. Not that I would know.
20-something dude: Yes you would, don't lie to me.
20-something chick, hanging head: ...I know.
--114th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Tila Tequila: "You Rang?"
Guy #1: Chris Noth is way better than Vincent D'Onofrio on Law & Order.
Guy #2: Yeah, but that's not to say that VD isn't great.
Guy #1: Well, yeah, I still fuckin love VD!
--1 Train
Overheard by: I believe that they are called STIs
He Does Kinda Look Like an Enemy Combatant
Cop #1: Sir, you need to move along.
Insane hobo: I didn't touch anyone, goddammit! I didn't do nuthin! I don't touch!
Cop #2: Just get the hell outta here.
Cop #1: Please just move along.
Hobo: I didn't do nuthin, goddammit!
Cop #2 to cop #1: Can I pistol whip him?
--Atlantic Avenue Station, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Derek
Did You Try My "Spoon Full 'o Sugar" Trick?
Teen girl #1: How was your date last night?
Teen girl #2: I forgot how bad cum tasted until the end of the night.
Teen girl #1: So, well then!
--7th Ave, Brooklyn
I'm Never Letting You Watch My Girl Again
Kid: Mom, can I get some water?
Mom: No.
Kid: I'm thirsty, mom! I'm gonna get a seizure!
--77th St & Broadway
Except All You've Written for Your Book Report Is "Cheese Is God"
Tutor: So did you understand the story you read for homework?
Girl student: The first time I read it, I didn't understand it. But the second time, I was mad fucking high, and I got it.
--Oriental Boulevard, Brooklyn
"Nice Tool" Does Sound Gay by Comparison
(construction worker pulls out a new tool from the truck)
Worker #1: Where the fuck did you get that?
Worker #2: Fuckin' Home Depot!
Worker #3: That's fuckin' fancy!
--33rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Erin Flannery
For a Moment I Thought You Were One Of Our Webcam Subscribers
Frenchman: What's up, dude?
Girl: So I see your roommate is rubbing off on you!
Frenchman (horrified): What? No. No. No.
Girl (laughing): It's a figure of speech.
--5th Ave
What Keeps Your Editors Going: Explained
Girl #1: I am so tired of doing dirty things with dirty people!
Girl #2: Every time we did it, people laughed.
Girl #1: Everyone laughed!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: jira monkey
...As Our High School Honors Project.
Guy #1: After Jim moved to Riverhead, he doesn't come out to the city anymore to hang out.
Guy #2: Fuck those Long Island people. Fuck 'em. Let those Mercedes-driving assholes go to Roosevelt Field Mall and climb that fuckin' rock wall for fun while we get drunk and bang bitches under the 59th St bridge.
--Outside Macy's, Herald Square
All I Require in Exchange Is Your First-Born
Tourist woman: I am waiting until the sign says "walk"!
10-year old: Lady, then you're going to be here for a while.
Tourist woman: I don't want to cross by myself.
10-year old: Uh. I'll cross with you.
--Greene St
Cue Fade Out to R. Kelly Waking Up
High school girl #1: Rachel*, do you really find that man attractive?
High school girl #2: His personality is perfect!
High school girl #1: He is 50 years old!
High school girl #2: So?
High school girl #3: Yeah, I second that: so what?
--Central Park
Headline by: Tom
Runners-Up:
· "His Money Doesn't Look a Day Over 20" - Nik
· "Mr. Belding Only Got Better with Age" - RBNY
· "Now, Let's Make a Pact to Be Impregnated by Him..." - T
· "Who Says Santa Can't Be a Babe Magnet?" - Nael B
· "You Might Want to Check the Expiration Date on That Personality" - kenderbard
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Which Makes the Pareto Principle Work
Runner: The top 20% of New Yorkers couldn't exist without the...
Hobo (interrupting): The top 20% of New Yorkers suck.
--80th & Columbus
Overheard by: 20 percenter
I Probably Should Quit Drinking
Chick #1 in stall: So Jessica*...
(loud hand-drier turns on for a few seconds, then off)
Chick #2, in adjacent stall: Yeah?
(loud hand-drier turns on again, then off)
Chick #1: So did I tell you about...
(loud hand-drier turns on again, then off)
Chick #1: So then I sucked his co...
(loud hand-drier turns on again, then off)
Chick #1: And long story short, I'm pregnant!
(loud hand-drier turns on again)
--Bathroom Bohemian Beer Garden, Astoria
Overheard by: SillyUrn
Except It's a Sidewalk and Not Our Microwave
Little girl: Mommy, mommy, look, that doggie is pee-peeing on the sidewalk!
Mom: Yeah, just like daddy last night.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: suzz
Just Be Thankful Your Imagination Stops There
Geeky kid #1: So they were talking about cremation, did you hear that for $10,000 you can get your ashes turned into a diamond, like for your nearest and dearest to wear?
Geeky kid #2: Imagine if your wife wore it while she fucked some other guy!
Geeky kid #1: It? Imagine if she wore you.
Geeky kid #2: The wench.
--L Train
Overheard by: Bea 61
Yadda Yadda Yadda, My E.R. Nickname Is "Dildo Boy"
Young teen: Holy crap! So what happened then?
Young teen #2: I didn't want her mom to find it, so I just stuck it in my mouth.
--Outside Magnolia Bakery, West Village
Overheard by: AwkwardTwig
They're Calling It the I-man-culate Conception
Excited woman #1: Oh my god, how's your brother?
Excited woman #2: He's doing great, he just gave birth!
Excited woman #1: (shrieking) congratulations!
--29th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: voidoid
...And Thus Unable to Do Your Homework?
Gangsta: What was I saying?
Super preppie, impatiently: So you were in the handcuffs...
--6th Ave & 8th St
Mom and Dad Finally Get It
Woman: That was our daughter. She's not gonna make it. Kyle's running late so brunch is turning into late lunch.
Man: "Late lunch"? That's code for "pot"!
--5Ninth Restaurant
Overheard by: never heard that one before
Then You Probably Have No Interest in Playing Football
Little boy: Grandma, can I play football?
Grandma: I don't know about that, you have to talk to the coach.
Little boy: Grandma, can I play football if I get an F in school?
Grandma: No, you can't play if you get an F.
Little boy: But what if it's an F for "fabulous"?
--Nostrand Ave
Overheard by: aja
I Think I Just Shot a Blank
Four-year old girl: Everyone can lay on me!
Four-year old boy: Oh, how lovely!
--Wave Hill, Bronx
Except the Occasional Baby
Loud man in motorcycle jacket to table of friends: I wear a wedding band on job interviews... Makes them think that I'm committed and responsible.
Chick: That's a good idea!
Loud man: I also wear it to the club, chicks dig a guy who can commit.
Chick: That's so true! But wait... You're not married?
Loud man: Nah, I just live with my baby's mama... We sleep in the same bed but nothing ever happens.
--Tony's Pier, City Island
Overheard by: Fulana Pepa
The Next Cameron Diaz/ Christina Applegate Movie
Desperate girl #1: I think those guys are checking us out.
Desperate girl #2: No, they are looking for a waitress.
--Restaurant, Upper East Side
Boys Take Non-Poking Very Literally
Teen girl: I was so mad at him that I unfriended him on Facebook.
Friend: What does that mean?
Teen girl: I was mad, but not mad enough to break up. This way we can still message each other, but he can't poke me anymore.
Friend: So, technically, would this be symbolic or metaphorical action?
Teen girl: What?
Friend: Nevermind.
--Penn Station
It Makes Me Horny. You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Horny
Straight girl: Oooohhh, you know who has the best tits? Isabella Rossellini. Great, great tits.
Gay guy: Oh, you're right! I didn't even think of her.
Straight girl: I don't know how someone her age can have tits that great.
Gay guy: Yeah, if your tits are half that good when you turn her age, you should die a happy woman.
Lesbian: Dear god, why are we talking about Isabella Rossellini's tits on the subway? For that matter, why are we talking about them anywhere?!
--N Train
They Have Nothing to Lose and They're Not Afraid to Die
Crazy guy: I don't give a fuck! I'll fight all ya'll muthafuckas! I'm from Brooklyn East New York, nigga! I'll fuck up every muthafucka in here...
Old guy: Bitch, you step on my shoe! I'll take my belt off and beat your ass with it! Look at my hair- it's grey! You don't talk to me like that, I beat your ass!
Crazy guy: Uhh... I don't fight old people--that's bad luck. (awkwardly exits car)
--1 Train
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