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We All Have Friends Who Find Our Buttons and Keep Pushing Them
Girl: Hey...do you think that there's, like, pregnant porn out there?
Friend: You mean, porn, starring pregnant women?
Girl: Yeah.
Friend: That's gross. I don't even want to know.
Girl: Hmm... I think I'm going to look it up when I get home.
Friend: Can we please stop talking about this?
Girl: I'll send you some?
Friend (disgusted): Please. Don't.
--27th & 6th
Overheard by: sam
A Real Man Has the Scars to Prove It
Older guy at table: Goddamn it!
Younger man: What's the matter?
Older guy: Do you ever get some loose skin from your ball sack stuck in you fly? I can tell you right now, it's a motherfucker!
Younger guy: No, that's why we wear underwear.
Older guy: Yeah, well back in my day I was raised without them and god forbid, as long as I live, I'll never put one on till I'm cold dead.
--Burger King, Broadway
That Fanny Pack Screams "Beatbox Aficionado"
Wannabe hip hop artist: Yo, you like hip hop?
Local: No. But he does. (points at random tourist standing still and disappears into the crowd)
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Mike
I Aspire to Be the Rose That Grows There
(#106 bus arrives)
Black woman to white woman: You know if this bus is going to East Harlem?
White woman: Yes, I know.
Black woman: Oh, okay. I was just making sure you knew where you were going.
--96th St & Amsterdam
Ah Well-- I'll Be Back Tomorrow to Summarize Gone with the Wind
Old creepster: Do you have The Princess Bride?
Employee: Let me see. (goes to shelf) No, we don't have it.
Old creepster: It's the one that's got whatshername, Sean Wright Penn. It was the film that made her career.
Employee: Right, but...
Old creepster: She used to have hair down to her waist, but she had to cut it for this film. And the whole thing is a story told by Peter Falk, he's a pretty old guy...
Employee: Right, but we don't have it.
--Circuit City, 79th & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Oh Yeah? Then How'd I Get That Job in Biotech?
Thug #1: Yo, I can't wait for Obama to win the election, yo! He gonna make white people illegal!
Thug #2 (stopping dead in his tracks): You one ignorant muthafucka, ain't you?
--The Village
This Goes on Until Moe Slaps Them
Woman #1: Oh my god, I can't believe you said that!
Woman #2: Shut up, I did not just say that!
Woman #1: You just said that.
Woman #2: When did I say that?
Woman #1: You like *just* said that!
--Starbucks, Battery Park Plaza
Who, Let's Face It, Is the Weak Link in That Triumvirate
Man #1: Yeah, Charley tells me he's afraid of ghosts. He's afraid they'll get him if he turns out the light.
Man #2: Yeah?
Man #1: Yeah, so I told him, "Charley, there are no such things as ghosts."
Man #2: Okay.
Man #1: And then he asks Elane if there are no such things as ghosts and she starts going blah-da-de-blah on about the holy ghost.
Man #2: *Sigh*
--D Line
Overheard by: Mago
Undercover Cops Aren't As Savvy As They Used to Be
Guy selling purses out of a suitcase: Coach, Gucci, Prada! Purses for cheap!
Tourist lady: Are these real?
Crowd of shoppers: (no response)
Tourist lady (louder): Are these real?
Crowd of shoppers: (no response)
Tourist lady: Did you steal these?
--Canal St.
So It's Kosher
Man: Holy shit!
Little child: Ooooohh! Mommy, he said shit.
Mother: Don't worry, it's holy.
--Liberty Avenue
Overheard by: Karina
Another Proud Day for America
Man #1: It's Bastille Day, so viva le France!
Man #2: Screw France, viva Las Vegas.
Random girl: Viva 69!
--Brooklyn Bridge
Since When Do Hippies Have Air Conditioners?
Granola backpacker #1: How many BTUs does your air conditioner have?
Granola backpacker #2: I don't know, but it works pretty well, considering I don't have a ceiling.
--R Train
Overheard by: slightly puzzled
The Highest Compliment an Artist Can Receive
(admiring statues next to the Time Warner Center)
Construction worker #1: I like those statues a lot.
Construction worker #2: Steal 'em!
--58th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Stefan Lawrence
You Have Weird Education in the U.S.
French girl #1: My friend cannot eat pineapple, because the last time he did, he got this -what do you call it- in his mouth...
American guy: Herpes!
French girl #2: Uh... I don't know if that is the word.
French girl #1: Yea, he ate it and had these little spots...
American guy: Herpes! I have herpes all the time, too.
French girl #2: Maybe it is the same word in English.
(later)
French girl #1: Well he has this small problem near his eye...
American guy: An eye tumor?
French girl #1: Yes, like a little, uh, tumor.
American guy: Man, you guys have weird diseases in France.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: AJ
But Here's a Really Cute One of Him with a Pitchfork and Little Tail
Middle-aged Republican lady: Do you have any McCain buttons?
Hippie political button vendor: Only this one (shows her "make war, not love" button). It's about how all Republicans think that wars are the most important thing ever.
Middle-aged Republican lady: So, you don't have any nice McCain buttons?
Hippie political button vendor: Do I look like I have any nice McCain buttons?
Middle-aged Republican lady: (long pause) No.
--Outside Central Park
Overheard by: iz
Purple Means "Hungry" in Hipster Code
Blue-haired hipster: Dude, could you spare some change? I just need a dollar to get somethin' off the dollar menu at McDonald's.
Yuppie: Dude, fuck you! You're not hungry! If you were hungry you wouldn't be dying your hair blue.
--St. Marks & 3rd
...Who Said It's What Jesus Would Do
(friend #1 looks into friend #2's Duane Reade bag)
Friend #1: Athlete foot's medicine?
Friend #2: Yeah, it's summer.
Friend #1: No! Just pee on your feet in the shower. I learned that from Madonna!
--Duane Reade, Chelsea
Overheard by: Wil Reyes
Ashley, We're White!
Thuggette to random Latina girl: That's right, keep walkin' bitch! I'll throw yo' ass in the trash right 'bout now!
Thug: Can't we act civilized just for like, five minutes?
Thuggette: Fuck you, nigga!
--Times Square Subway Station
Overheard by: Tim
Which Is Exactly What I Look for in a Sword-Swallower
Black man #1: Yo, her mouth was so big it fit my dick and yo' balls in it.
Black Man #2: Oh, word?
--Yankees Stadium
Overheard by: HE said what?!
Lest the Secret Of Suspenders Be Revealed to Profane Ears
Old man wearing suspenders #1: That's a great pair of suspenders.
Old man wearing suspenders #2: Thanks. I had a heckuva time getting them.
Library security guard: Sir, please lower your voice.
--New York Public Library, 34th & Madison
Which Is Impossible Since We Never Touch Each Other... TMI?
New School girl #1: Hey! I love your dress.
New School girl #2: Thanks! I just got it.
Friendly professor: My wife has a dress just like that. When my mother saw her, she thought she was pregnant.
--New School
What? I Don't Want the Dog to Catch On
Stumbling drunk woman, loudly: Do you have any b-l-o-w?!
Date: Great. Real subtle!
--E 11th St
Overheard by: filigreed
Thus Concluding My Responsibility in the Matter
Young thug poser: I gotta go to my cousin's house tomorrow. She's always vomiting.
Friend: Yo, she's pregnant!
Thug: Naw, I already told her to take care of that shit, take that Plan B shit.
--7 Train
Overheard by: Katie
That's Just Your Conscience Dying
Ingenue: She looks good for her age.
Jaded older woman: Botox and lifts.
Ingenue: At least her hair is natural.
Jaded older woman: You kidding? She dyes every week.
Ingenue: Her teeth.
Jaded older woman: Please.
Ingenue: Why do I feel guilty just talking to you?
--Front & Wall Streets
Overheard by: Feeling Guilty for Just Listening
The AAA Guide Says "Just Ask a Morlock"
Teen girl tourist #1: I can't believe we're, like, under New York City right now!
Teen girl tourist #2: How will we know where we're going?!
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Liz
The Prelude to Dr. Seuss's Fat N' the Cat
Little fat boy: Moooom?
Very fat mom: Yes, sweetie?
Little fat boy: I can't wait until grandma dies so I can have a cat.
Outrageously fat dad: He's so creative, isn't he? (pats fat boy on the head)
--7 Train
Overheard by: Celebrifi.com
Suddenly, I'm Galvanized by a Jolt of Pop Culture Goodness
Gay guy: Ugh, I can't stand these small theaters. They're so cramped and sweaty, and the seats are too small.
Girl: Whatever, you're just being a snob.
Gay guy: Yeah well, maybe I've just paid my dues long enough in this city to feel above this scene. I don't think...
Girl (interrupts): Oh my god, Mandy Moore just walked in.
Gay guy (gasps and whips around): Mandy Moore?! Where?!
--Cherry Lane Theater
The Seldom-Sung Prelude to "I Feel Pretty"
Black guy to Jewish guy: Hey man, you look pretty Jewish.
Jewish guy: Yeah, I know. You look pretty black.
--St. Mark's Place
If You Liked Waiting for Godot, You'll Love This Quote
Little kid: Who is you? Who is you? Who is you? Who is you? Who. Is. You?!?!?!?!
Woman: Does it matter?
--Knickerbocker Ave.
Overheard by: anonymous
Is It Fair That White People Monopolize All the Irony? Discuss
Guy #1: Can't believe there are so many cops out.
Guy #2: It's probably because of the 4th of July, you know, security threats, terrorism.
Drunk girl (shouts, pumps fist in the air): Oh yeah, terrorism!
Guy #2: Can you not do that 10 feet from those cops?!
Drunk girl: What, who cares? I'm white. It's ironic!
--W. 43rd & Broadway
Is Whether He Wants Kids Even an Issue?
Ghetto lady #1: He better be agreeing to giving me babies, cuz my eggs ain't be making no sperm.
Ghetto lady #2 (with hands on hips): Ummmm hmmmmm.
--45th & Park Ave
Overheard by: CC
Pondered the Existential Dilemma That Is the Fax Machine
Stoner guy: And then I realized that we are the reality of reality, get it?
Slightly less stoner looking girl: Wow. Okay. What else did you do your first day at work?
--St. Marks Place
Overheard by: Garuda
We Stay Together for the Sake of the Espresso Maker
Bank teller: Are you two married?
Asian girl and white man (angrily): Yes. Just.
Bank teller: You're so loving.
White man: Our marriage doesn't start until noon each day.
Asian girl: After two cups of coffee.
--17th St & 5th Ave
That's What She Gets for Devouring That Goat That Was Tethered to the Ground
Girl #2: You're so right! She does kind of look like a Tyrannosaur!
Girl #1: Oh my god, you're so mean.
Girl #2: What? You said it first.
Girl #1: I said: "She kind of looks like a tennis player."
Girl #2: Um, oh. Oops.
--1 Train
Overheard by: ouch.
Headline by: James
Runners-Up:
· "Either Way, She Makes Quite a Racket" - DotTim
· "I Always Get Lesbians and Giant Man-Eating Lizards Confused." - L.J.
· "If It's Martina Navratilova, They're Both Right." - Brady
· "It's the Way She Devoured the Competition" - Markle9
· "Serenasaur or Venusaur?" - Matt
· "With the Racket and the Tiny Arms, It Could Really Go Either Way." - Rosie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Occasional Hostile Stare, for Example
White girl #1: Do you live here?
White girl #2: Yeah.
White girl #1: We were thinking of moving here. How is it?
White girl #2: The super is okay. The building is fine. Good value, I guess.
White girl #1: I know! We were so excited to find a place on the Upper East Side for so cheap!
White girl #2: Uh, this isn't the Upper East Side: this is Harlem.
White girl #1: Oh... I guess that would explain a lot.
--E 129th & Madison
HowTruman's Original Dad Got Fired
Terrible two in stroller passing vendor: Daddy, I want a pretzel!
Father: Those are prop pretzels, like a movie set.
--The Flats, Central Park
Overheard by: Jira
Bitch. I'm Sneaking Extra Carbs Into Your Dinner Tonight
Gay guy #1: So, why do you think I'm your soul mate?
Gay guy #2: I never said I did.
--Gavroche, 14th St
Overheard by: Kenneth Creech
Wednesday One-Liners' Cups Runneth Over
Thug on phone: Yo, man, you know that bitch I rent my room from? Those titties are triple F or some shit, man! (pause) How do I know that? Cause I looked through her drawers, that's how! (pause) Cause whenever I talk to that bitch, those things are in my face! I had to find out!
--17th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: redshikari
Dude: I have barometric boobies!
--Jujutsu Class, 13th & 7th
Overheard by: Ladle
Dude to friend: Dude, sometimes you just have to say no to boobs.
--St. Mark's Chipotle
College student: Those tits in that shirt look awful... I wanna see cleavage, not leverage.
--Columbia University
Suit on cell: You should get paid more because of how big your boobs are!
--74th & 3rd
Overheard by: Joanna L.
The Wednesday Bone's Connected to the One-Liner Bone...
20-something girl: I don't let people with toes like that into my bed!
--Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: insizlane
Old man on cell: Just tell her to go to Duane Reade and get that shit that puts your urethra to sleep.
--East Village
Overheard by: doctors are so jaded
Woman: My son has a perfect head, it's not flat on no sides.
--44 Bus, Staten Island
(man comes over and pushes down everyone's safety bar)
Woman: My uterus just came out of my vagina.
--Coney Island Cyclone
Guy on cell: ...and it's just not Sunday unless you've had your finger in someone.
--Houston & Macdougal
Overheard by: Lish
Are You Afraid of Wednesday One-Liners?
FDNY lieutenant to EMTs: Hey, get this! Some guy just called 911 because some guy looked scary!
--34th & 10th
Overheard by: guy in back of ambulance
Gay guy to another: I'm terrified of successful women!
--23rd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Moy
(guy with drums finishes a performance in the train)
Guy with drums: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. Help a brother out and donate some money if you enjoyed this performance. (lady in front of him looks scared)
Please donate and if you don't know what to do or are scared, smile and nod. Everything will be okay.
--E Train
Overheard by: Sleepy
Crazy bag lady to high school boy: I ain't scared of you. I'll beat you with a crowbar. Cuz I gotta crowbar in my pussy and it's way up there!
--B54 Bus
Suit on cell: And I was scared, right? Because her legs were open in the cemetery.
--Gramercy Park
An Epidemic Of Wednesday One-Liners
Middle-aged white guy to younger black woman: Just leave them a message that's like "I woke up from my coma, don't worry. Not that you were worried anyway."
--Nederlander Theater
Overheard by: julia
Girl to friend: Everything was fine until I found out about the warts.
--Broadway & Waverly
Man to friends: All I know is that I was leaving town the next day, so I told her to take some Pepto-Bismol or Robitussin or whatever because I was gettin' some that night for sure!
--Bodega, 22nd St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Doug Tischler
Teenage black girl, within a group of friends: Them kids with autism, they be havin' mad skills!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: r. faith
Male yuppie: If she comes back with cold sores, I'll know who to go to.
--San Domenico Restaurant, East 26th St
Girl: Rabies is my biggest enemy.
--Bellerose, Queens
Son Of a Wednesday One-Liner!
Young mother: Yeah, she still talks like a baby. She still talkin' baby talk. Her favorite word is "bitch."
--C Train
Overheard by: Emily B.
Black chick on phone: So I asked that bitch and she said he's gonna be in the Special Olympics in Secaucus.
--33rd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Jake
Conductor over PA system: Don't hold the doors, bitches!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Anna
Ghetto boyfriend to ghetto girlfriend: You know... You know that I luh' you, but I just wanna know, why you don't luh' me? Why, bitch, why?!
--Broadway & Canal
Overheard by: Aviva
Man on cell: It was a bad bitch? ...a bad bitch?
--37th & Broadway
Girl to friend: ...so then the guy turns the fuck around during "Chim chiminey" and just loses his shit on those two old bitches.
--24th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Viv
Wednesday A1 Liners
Crazy hobo: Taco Bell is outta meat. Taco Bell... Is outta meat. I ask for a taco, they say, "We outta meat." What the fuck!? How you run outta meat at Taco Bell? You don't see me runnin' outta weed! Shit. Taco Bell is outta meat.
--Wendy's, 14th Street
Overheard by: Zack
Curious teenage girl: What is that on the floor? Ew! I hate when people leave bags of meat on the subway!
--R Train
Jewish lawyer, answering his desk phone: Weinstein's house of kosher pork. How may I direct your call?
--Newsroom, Midtown
Preppy teen: I am like, a total whore for salami.
--280th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: casayoto
Woman on cell talking about her upcoming weekend: Mah husband's gone, my kids is gone, I'm jus' goin' lie on the floor and eat some baloney. Mmm hmm. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Das' right. I'm gonna eat some baloney, and some cheese?-I'm goin' make myself a baloney sandwich.
--4th St Station
Overheard by: Jess
Wednesday One-Liner, Huh! What Is It Good For?
JAP on cell: If more people wore glitter there would no war.
--Therapy Store
Crazy old guy: I want a dog for president. You know why? Dogs don't start wars.
--31St & Ditmars, Astoria
Overheard by: Randi and Patrick
(at an anti-war rally)
Street vendor: Say no to war, say yes to Louis Vuitton!
--Midtown
Overheard by: Oh the irony
50-something guy on cell: You see, we are a military agency, not a government agency. (pause) So when I punched out that Homeland Security guy, I punched out a civilian.
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: Ksenia
Eight-year-old boy: I dare you to fight in the civil war!
--7 Train
Overheard in Wednesday One-Liners
MTA employee high-fiving another: That's why I always wear my uniform to court. I ain't no thug; I ain't no criminal; I work for the City of New York!
--127th & Lenox
Female suit to friend: Welcome to New York. Have a good day somewhere else.
--Washington Square South
Overheard by: Hey, I like New York.
Crazy bag lady to parents of babbling toddler: Shut your fucking kid up! If you want PC, this isn't the fucking place!
--AirTrain to Jamaica
Barista: I keep forgetting that "New York" doesn't equal "World."
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Chris K.
Girl on cell: A blood draw, a pelvic exam, and a shot in the ass all on the same day... Yeah, well, it is New York.
--Lafayette & Franklin
Wednesday One-Liners Are Going Through a Dry Spell
50-year-old female crackhead hobo chasing a 30-year-old male post office worker: Why won't you fuck me? Come fuck me! Are you too scared to fuck me?!
--50th St & 5th Ave
Man talking to stranger outside peep show: No, no, no. This is a peep show. If you want to fuck someone, you have to go somewhere else.
--8th Ave, Midtown
Horny NYU hipster: I haven't had sex in 3 months! If I were a heroin addict I'd have been clean for 2 months already!
--NYU
Loud middle-aged woman on cell: And I was like, "Don't worry, lady, I'm not getting any action!"
--Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: the libbernator
Old man to old lady: No, I will not bonk you!
--Avenue J & E 12 St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert
Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Playin'
Guy to girl: The point of the game is to make the other person unwittingly look at your genitals.
--106th & Amsterdam
Ghetto kid to friend: If I was in the middle of sex, I would say I'll come back to you later, play in the poker game, and then come back and bust that nut.
--9th St & 8th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rahstah
Worker to partner: You know what I'm going to do since I don't have to work tomorrow? I'm going to turn the volume on my laptop all the way up and play pinball until 1 am. It will be so loud! Ping ping ping ping!
--69th & Lexington
Overheard by: 6th Floor Blogger
Hipster girl on cell: I'm going home to eat and relax first, and then I'll be over to play Tropical Barbie bingo.
--Lorimer/Metropolitan, Brooklyn
Group of little girls to little boy: Wanna play Mormon family with us?
--Brooklyn Botanic Garden
Overheard by: James
Animal, Wednesday One-Liner, or Mineral?
Man trying on hat: Hey! Do I look like John Wayne in this hat? Watch out, pilgrim! I'm planting roses!
--Botanical Garden
Girl to friend: I need a twig or a leaf or an herb or somethin'.
--C Train
White guy on cell: It's the goddamn Cherry Blossom Festival... so get your ass out here.
--Outside Brooklyn Botanical Garden
Maintenance worker to another: Oh, come on! It's not working now. Let's try plugging it into the tree.
--42 St & 2nd Ave
Flower vendor: Shut up nigga, I'll slap you! Fresh roses!
--7th Ave & 26th
Overheard by: Todd
Wednesday One-Liners Are So Hot Right Now
Big muscular man on cell: It's so damn hot, I'm glad I'm not wearing makeup.
--Outside Tribeca Deli
Overheard by: Akiko
Conductor: This is 42nd Street, Times Square. Number 3 train across the platform. Get it while it's hot!
--Downtown 1 Train
Elderly black woman to no one in particular: It's so hot my pussy is melting!
--12th & Broadway
Overheard by: lemchek
Enthusiastic girl: As soon as I saw his name in lights! His name is so hot! So I have to marry him!
--Thompson & W 3rd St
Guy: I'm telling ya that it was so damn hot in there that my balls rolled out from under my towel and fell on the floor... like they was trying to escape or something.
--Starbucks
Dude to friend: I wanna say she's hot... But I mean she looks like the type of girl who accepts Discover.
--The Village
But That Expert on Oprah Swore It Would Help Me Gain Friends
Well-dressed woman to friend: And I just felt so self-conscious without my toenails.
Friend: Yeah...
--54th & Broadway
That'd Be Like Going Back to a Life Without Gossip Girl
Annoying teenager #1 (disturbed about cellphones without qwerty keyboards): Yeah, I was using my friend's the other day and I had to press the buttons like three times.
Annoying teenager #2: Like, I can't live like that.
--N Train
Overheard by: Marie
Lucinda's the Most Interesting Weathergirl in the Tri-State Area
African man: Does it feel hot here?
African-American woman: I dunno. My boobs ain't sweatin'.
--F Train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
And a Concentration Camp Is Where They Make the Orange Juice
Tween girl looking at internment camp exhibit: Mom, what's an internment camp?
Mother: Umm... I think it's, like, a place where you go when you get a job as an intern.
--International Center of Photography Museum, Avenue of the Americas & 43rd St
Overheard by: Chris
How Do You Get a Flyer Guy to Shut Up? Discuss
Flyer guy: Rainbow room! Discount admission! Observatory! Rainbow room!
(goth chick unbuttons her shirt)
Flyer guy: Rainbow room... Uh...
(goth chick reveals a Batman t-shirt)
Flyer guy, recovering: Discount admission! Observatory!
Goth chick (in menacing voice): I'm Batman.
Flyer guy: Rainbow room! Discount admission! Batman! We got batman in Gotham! Observatory! Rainbow room! Batman! Discount admission!
--Rockefeller Plaza
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Don't Complain About Your Food to a Starving Person
Chatty, obnoxious girl #1: My last relationship was a disaster. He just didn't treat me well. He was very disrespectful. How is your man doing?
Chatty, obnoxious girl #2: I don't know. He says he loves me, takes me out all the time, is always calling and paying for everything. He even writes me long romantic notes and spends time with me whenever he can. It's just kind of lame, you know? I just told him I loved him to shut him up.
--E Train
Overheard by: Xander
Obsessively. Why?
Girl #1: You wrinkle your nose when you sleep.
Girl #2: I do?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Wait, you watch me while I'm sleeping?
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Ariana
Willard Got Sent to Live With Relatives in the Poconos
Tattooed young mother: So when we get home we could take pictures of the cat.
Four-year old: We could take pictures of the cat's penis, you told me cats have penises!
Tattooed young mother (hushing child): Why are you so fascinated by that?
Four-year old: I like penises!
Tattooed young mother: Don't say that, you can't say things like that!
--F Train
Overheard by: wow.
Want Some?
Thug, talking about fanny pack: What is that? Your change purse?
Thugette: Nigga, that's my insulin!
--1 Train
While He Was Pushing Your Buttons
Girl #1: He's a jerk and I hate him.
Girl #2: I don't know... He just kind of rubs me the wrong way.
Girl #3: Ew... When!?
--E 53 St
Because a Simple "Fuck Off" Just Isn't Very Classy
(very pretty girl waiting for the cross light to change)
Crazy old man: Yum, you sure are pretty.
(no response)
Crazy old man (excited now): Yummy! I like them pretty ones.
(pretty girl hisses at him and walks away)
Tourist dad to little girl: See, darling? That's how you handle those situations.
--Broadway & Houston
The One Acid Trip That Got Hugh Hefner Where He Is in Life
College guy #1: So then I was like: "Whoa, that's a giant fucking bunny."
College guy #2: Dude, are you high?
College guy #1: ...yeah
College guy #2: Wanna go to the zoo?
College guy #1: Do they have bunnies?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Angel
All Ten Seasons of Friends, in a Nutshell
Guy: Rachel! You're so stupid!
Rachel: I'm not stupid! I'm just sexy.
--5th Ave
Though Yesterday I Did Say, "I Love Your New Prada Loafers."
Trendy homo: Last Tuesday was so much fun!
Boy toy: Last Tuesday is when I broke up with you.
Trendy homo: Yea, but nothing has really changed. I just don't have to say "I love you" anymore when we're having sex.
--56th & 9th
Like a Sacred Cow, I Graze Wherever I Go
Girl #1: What's D'Agostino's?
Girl #2: It's an Indian restaurant. I eat there all the time!
--10th St & University
Overheard by: Haley
There's Nothing Like the Sizzle of a Veggie Shizzle
Frat guy #1 (looking at produce at a Bodega): Dude, that's what I'm talking about, cooking some veggies.
Frat guy #2: Dude, veggies are the shit!
--22nd & 1st
Overheard by: Jessica
I've Fallen Out of Love With Scientific Materialism
Guy #1: What do you think about calories? I don't believe they're real.
Guy #2 (humoring him): Yeah...
Guy #1: Yeah, I don't know about atoms either.
--F Train
But All I Said Was, I Hate The Hills!
Yelling wife: You made a promise. You're my husband.
Husband: Can we do this later?
Yelling wife: No, I made the worst mistake of my life marrying you. Take your ring... go.
--F Train
Ooo, and Babies!
(taxi honks horn, loudly)
Guy #1: Fuckin' asshole!
Guy #2: Shut the fuck up!
Guy #3 to friends: We should do that more often. Like, to firetrucks.
--57th & 8th
Overheard by: EthanK
But Did They Have to Name It "The Chubby Cubby"?
Dude #1: So maybe it is a chubby chaser bar... I mean, that's nothing to laugh at, it's only people expressing their heartfelt desires in a safe place.
Dude #2: Yeah, I guess so.
--Essex & Rivington, Lower East Side
Or the Key to the Lock-Box Containing It, Anyway
Chick #1: Let's have a baby together.
Chick #2: Let's do it. Which one of us is going to have it?
Chick #1: You are.
Chick #2: Why me?
Chick #1: Because I have the dick.
--Party, 6th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: hooked up with her the night before
Ugh, Food Babies Are The Worst
20-something girl #1: I've been so sick today.
20-something girl #2: Oh no! Why?
20-something girl #1: Must have been those two squash and spaghetti sandwiches I ate yesterday.
20-something girl #2: Oh, right!
(momentary pause)
20-something girl #1: So, have you ever been pregnant?
--Ladies Room, Vento Trattoria
Headline by: Alex
Runners-Up:
· "It's The Perfect Way to Justify My Incredibly Bizarre Eating Habits" - Caitlin
· "It's Usually the After Dinner Drinks That Get Me Pregnant." - Bud
· "No, But Sometimes I Pretend to Be So People Don't Mock My Food Choices" - o k
· "So Began the Story Of the Immaculate Conception Of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" - Jared
· "The Day Peggy Learned Squash-and-Spaghetti-Sandwich Contraception Is a Myth" - Steve
· "The Shift in Topic Was So Jarring, Tina Had to Be Hospitalized." - Sam
· "They Don't Call Me "Subtle Stacy" for Nothing" - fresca
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You're Just Confused Because They Keep Voting Republican
Random guy: So, where you from?
Hot chick: Oh, up north. Florida.
Random guy: Wait. I thought Florida was in the Midwest.
--Subway B
"I Have Scabies" Works Equally Well
Creep (yelling out of window): Oh, sexy! Look at you in that red shirt! I love girls in colors!
Girl #1 (yelling and running): I'm married!
Girl #2: Shit, don't say that. You look like you're 12, no one will believe you're married.
Girl #1: Yeah, I should have said I was a lesbian.
Girl #2: He'll just think it's hot!
Girl #1: I did always think that was so weird about guys.
Girl #2: It's not just guys. A lot of girls think lesbians are hot, too.
Girl #1: Yeah, like, especially lesbians.
--6th Ave
How to Make a Student Yearn to Discuss Polynomials
Female tutor: Okay, so do you want a soy hot chocolate?
12-year-old student: No, that tastes funny.
Female tutor: So you want cow milk, eh? How would you feel if you were hooked up to a machine all day giving milk?
(student is silent)
Female tutor: You know it's breast milk right?
Student: Yeah.
Female tutor: Moooooo moooooo. (makes suckling noise.) Moooo moooo! (Makes suckling noise)
--Hopscotch
Overheard by: bildita
The Subtle Difference Between Being a Lawyer and Being an I-Banker
Dude #1: You know, you're a real dick.
Dude #2: (nods)
Dude #1: But you're a dick like an asshole, not a dick like a cock.
Dude #2: Yeah?
--7 Train
Overheard by: Dan
Except Bon Jovi Fans and the Entire Pleather Industry
Dad: Why don't you take some pictures of all the buildings?
Little boy with camera: I already took pictures of those buildings. (aims camera towards New Jersey) I'll take pictures of this spot now!
Mom (disgustedly): No honey, that's New Jersey. Nobody cares about New Jersey.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: I care about jersey
Where Brooke Hogan Got That Controversial Opinion
Gay guy: Pelosi is sooo emasculating. That's why no one will vote for a female president. Because then they won't have a penis. Except for the women, I mean.
Girl: Huh???
--NYU
Overheard by: Dale
And Kicks Me When I Call Her a Stupid Hoe!
Woman: And how are things with your girlfriend, hm? What is she like?
Guy: Well... she does have a big nose.
Woman: Her nose? Why are you concerned about her nose? It's her personality that matters!
Guy: But she always hits me whenever I mention it!
--5th Ave
Overheard by: the art major
A Giant McDonald's Sign Is My Sun
(at night)
Hobo #1: Yo, is that the moon or the sun?
Hobo #2: I dunno, nigga. I'm not from this neighborhood.
--23rd & 8th
Overheard by: harrie
Oh Look, There's the Three-Headed Dog!
Tourist husband, as train stops: 14th Street.
Tourist wife, smiling delightedly: Exactly like it says on the map!
--A Train
Overheard by: Theresa
Just Form an Orderly Line--No Pushing
Gay friend: Yeah right, I'm sure it's not that good.
Girl (loudly): Ohmigod, my sex is so that good. (to passengers) Who wants to try?
(silence)
--F train
Overheard by: definitely not me
Then Everybody Launched Into the "Kit-Kat" Song
(woman walks into packed theater looking for boyfriend)
Woman, yelling: Jim*? Jim, where are you?
Random guy in the audience #1: Here!
Random guy #2: Over here!
Random guy #3: Here!
(entire theater starts shouting "here!")
Woman: C'mon, gimme a break.
--Imax Theater
Overheard by: Goober
Ricky and Fred Decide to Gay-Test Lucy's New Beau
Hipster #1: So she said he couldn't get it up?
Hipster #2: Yeah, but she's not sure if it's just all the heroin or that he's actually queer.
Hipster #1: But I mean, isn't that the case for every dude from Wesleyan?
--L Train
Clearly It's Left Its Mark
Thug #1: How do you know all that about the church?
Thug #2: Because I was a muthafuckin' altar boy for five years!
--Pride Parade, 25th &5th
Overheard by: fellow ex-catholic
Dad Left His "A" Game Somewhere in the Eighties
Girl #1: Okay, so you know how my dad asked me if I wanted to see Counting Crows and Maroon 5 last week?
Girl #2: Yeah, what the hell was he thinking?
Girl #1: I dunno man, but today he asked me if I wanted to see Rush.
Girl #2: Dude, what the fuck?
Girl #1: Well in his defense, he thought they were Journey.
--Pizzeria Uno, South Street Seaport
Like That It's Possible to Get Thin by Eating Chocolate?
Guy giving out Kellogg's Special K chocolate bars: Free cereal bars! Free cereal bars!
Hobo (to Kellogg's guy): Hey, why isn't anyone giving me any money? They all be paying attention to you!
Kellogg's guy: Because I'm giving out free candy. You're giving out lies.
--Outside Penn Station
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