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If Only Because We'll Never Have to Hear Gilbert Gottfried Again
Six-year-old boy: Words, words, words, words! One day, there will be no words.
Seven-year-old sister: That will be a beautiful day.
--2nd Ave & 7th St
Overheard by: shmarls
She's Better With Multi-Part Answers Than I Am
Activist: Excuse me, do you have a minute for gay rights?
Little boy: Daddy, what's gay rights?
Father: Umm... ask your mother.
--Bedford & N. 2nd, Williamsburg
Only Thirty-Nine More Quarters to Go!
Hobo: Can you spare a quarter?
Young female Brit on phone: Just a sec, Mitch* (turns to hobo) what is it?
Hobo: A quarter, can you spare a quarter?
Brit: A qua-what?
Hobo: Twenty five fucking cents!
Brit: Here, have your quarter. No...in fact, take a dollar, go get pissed, or do crack. Or weed. Whatever you...
Hobo (interrupting): Actually, I was thinking sushi tonight.
--29th & 6th
It's in a Very Close Relationship With Argentina
Woman #1: Chile? Isn't that in Mexico?
Woman #2: No, it's its own country.
Woman #1: Really? All by itself?
--Whole Foods, 14th St
Overheard by: Linda Keegstra
Four Out of Five Dentists Want to Know
Yuppie #1 (greeting friend): What's up?
Yuppie #2: Not-- oh, bro I think you still have some shaving cream up on your ear.
Yuppie #1 (wiping off ear): Oh, yeah, that's probably toothpaste.
Yuppie #2: How did you get toothpaste all the way up there?
Yuppie #1: You don't want to know.
--Carroll St, Brooklyn
Should We Start Over?
Black guy: You just made fun of someone with Down's Syndrome!
Hispanic girl: She kicked me!
Black guy (exasperated): Because she has Down's Syndrome!
--Union St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: Chihuahua
I Didn't Know Any of This Before Tour-Guide Training
Man #1: The French gave America the Statue of Liberty?
Man #2: Yeah. Because America gave them the Eiffel Tower.
--Staten Island Ferry
How to Come Out to Your Friends in One Easy Step
Guy #1: You know, I really did love her. It just wasn't going to work out.
Guy #2: I'm so sorry, man.
Guy #1: It's okay. I have time to go to the gym now.
--N Train
Overheard by: ltrain
You May Have Broken Up With Me, But at Least I Don't Use the Phrase "Shacking Up"
Chick holding shopping bags: Oh my god! Stan! I haven't seen you in like forever!
Chick's ex: Yeah, I've been pretty busy. Shacking up with girls, the like...you know. (chick eyes him over for some time) I look fantastic, don't I? (walks away)
--W 4th & 6th
Overheard by: friend of the ex
Oh, These Are Those Year-Round Tourists!
Woman #1: I hate this time of year in the city. It's like there are ten times as many tourists as usual, because everyone's on vacation.
Woman #2: I know. I mean, just look at the flocks of Asian people around here!
Woman #1: Ummmm, we're in Chinatown.
--Mott & Grand
Overheard by: Elisabeth
Some First Dates Go Better Than Others
Drunk chick: Come on, run with me...please.
Guy: No.
Drunk chick: I'm running.
Guy: Don't.
Drunk chick: This is me drunk, if you can't handle this you can't marry me!
--8th Ave & 31st St
Anyone Else Hope She's Buying Birth Control?
Annoyed sexy girl: This is stupid! I don't see how you can just think one city is older than another!
Embarrassed boyfriend: Think about it. Can't you see how Rome would be much older than, say, Provo, Utah?
Annoyed sexy girl: Well, I've never been to either of those, so how would I know?
--Duane Reade, Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Veronica
Here's Your Trophy
Thug: Yo, what time you got?
20-something: It's 7:45.
Thug: Mmm, well girl... What time's your curfew?
20-something: That's the worst fucking pick up line I've ever heard.
--A Train
Isn't That Probable Cause?
Straight guy: Uhm dude, I don't think he's gay.
Queer guy: So what? His fly was open.
--Central Park
Do Your Diamond Shoes Pinch Your Feet?
Young suit #1 (holding pack of gum): Do you have change for a hundred?
Female cashier: No.
Young suit #1: Dude, do you have a dollar? All I have is four hundreds.
Young suit #2: Sorry, I only have five hundreds.
Young suit #1: Ah, I hate it when that happens.
(the two suits leave)
Suit #3 (walking in): Do you have change for a hundred?
Female cashier: Don't make me kick yo' ass, brotha.
--Deli, General Motors Office Building
Overheard by: don't look at me, I make $10 an hour
Jesus, Quinn, There Are Always Other Options!
Rich girl #1: What are you going to do when your parents cut you off?
Rich girl #2: Move to Brooklyn.
--West Village
It's an Ill-Informed Hobo Who Doesn't Know About Hobo Gloves
Hobo: Hey, where you from, man?
Tourist #1 (wearing fingerless gloves): England.
Hobo: I knew you ain't from round here, cos I ain't never seen gloves like that before
(hobo walks away)
Tourist #2: You should have told him they're really popular with tramps in England.
--105th & Broadway
You, My Friend, Have a Flair for the Perp Walk
Suit #1: Man, my wrists are still sore from those handcuffs.
Suit #2: Yeah, that was funny when they took you out of the building like that. (they laugh)
--42nd & 6th Ave
Or You Called Him "Daddy"
(group of drunk teen girls are walking down the street)
Slurring girl (shouting): I made out with a 26-year-old! I feel kinda bad about that, but... But he was fucking hot!
Friend: It's only hot if he knew what age you were...
--73rd & 1st
Overheard by: Inquisitor
And Tonight Is Grandma's Night
Girl: Would you pay me $250 an hour tonight to have sex with me?
Guy: No! You're my sister!
--PATH Train
He Said I Was Beautiful
Redhead: It's not that he lies to get girls into bed, it's just that, you know, he doesn't always tell the truth.
Brunette: Did he lie to get you into bed?
Redhead: Well, yeah, but I was gonna sleep with him anyway.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
It Also Says You Owe Me Five Dollars
Young child: Can I have some candy?
Older brother: No, I'm not supposed to share. See (points to writing on label) it says do not share.
--Pathmark, Queens
He's Not Just President of the Ghetto; He's Also a Member
Asian chick: Yeah, we're sisters!
White chick: Don't you mean "sistas"?
Asian chick: Oh, yeah, right.
White chick: Why is it I have to teach you ghetto language when I am the least ghetto person I know?
Homeless guy: What's wrong with the ghetto?
White chick: Nothing's wrong with the ghetto. I'm just not from there.
Homeless guy: The biggest dicks are in the ghetto!
--33rd St & 3rd Ave
Presenting, the Modern-Day Socrates
Six-year-old kid to lost-looking mother: So, where's downtown?
Mom: Well, it's not uptown!
--42nd Street Subway Station
Overheard by: Excellent deduction, Watson.
He's the Symbol of Quitting the Gym and Getting Your Life Back
Guy #1: Oh, look at this statue of the fat guy with the belly!
Guy #2: Yeah, it's cool.
Guy #1: There's a whole bunch of them! He must be some kind of symbol or something.
--Canal Street
Overheard by: You've never heard of Buddha?
Manhattan Jackals Are Quick to Scent a Fashion Weakness
Girl #1 to girl #2: You are like, the epitome of a Connecticut girl.
Queer friend: Yeah, you really are.
Girl #1: I mean, how many pairs of Uggs do you own?
Girl #2: (flicks her hair behind her shoulder, embarrassed) I don't know.
(general chuckling)
Queer friend, laughing: Don't worry, hon, I have two!
--Fashion Institute of Technology
While Wasps Prefer Boring
Jew boy: So wait... When Israelis talk to boring people they're just like, "You're boring. I hate you."?"
Jew chick (nodding enthusiastically): Yeah!
--87th & Lexington
Overheard by: MacDutchman
Tonight on Lifetime's Low Self-Esteem Theater
Girl: 12 son!
Guy: What?
Girl: That's my number.
Guy: Who was the 12th?
Girl: Some guy that picked me up off the side of the road, literally.
Guy: Well, did he at least pay you for it?
Girl: No, I felt bad that he had to take me home, so I paid him... with my vagina.
--Central Park
Overheard by: it's as good as cash
When I Spit on the Homeless, I'm Just Saying, "Thanks, Mom and Dad!"
20-something guy: You know, it's like people hate me for having money. But it's like, my parents worked *really* hard for that money, and they worked for it for *me*. So I deserve it.
20-something girl: Yeaaah. I know.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Ladle & Jen
You've Really Stepped Over the Line When a Hobo Calls TMI on You
Bum: Can I get a smoke?
Well-dressed 20-something: Sure man. I just ate a girl out!
Bum: Did she cum?
20-something: I don't know, she didn't let me do it for very long. (bum walks away) I can still taste her perfume!
--Penn Station
...No Disrespect, Dad
Father: ...and a sugar cookie.
Barista: Which color?
Father (to son): Which color do you want? (to barista) Purple.
Seven-year-old son: No, pink!
Father: Okay.
Seven-year-old son: But that doesn't mean I'm gay.
--Starbucks, 23rd & 5th
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
Few Men Are Able to Do the Math on That
Old man: Because you know I love only you.
Young woman: I love you, too.
Random guy walking by: No he doesn't, he just wants your pussy.
--E Train
Overheard by: Ting
He'll Feel Superior for About a Minute, Before He Realizes He's in Brooklyn
Train conductor: This is Atlantic Avenue. If you don't want to be left in the city get off now, if you are going to the city, buckle up... wooo hoooo!
Ghetto woman: This nigga lost his mind.
Ghetto child: Just like daddy?
Suit: Fucking morons! (walks off train)
--Q Train
Overheard by: Got Off On Atlantic
I Knew There Had to be Downsides to Dating a Public Notary...
Unenthusiastic 20-something girl: So, uh, he's officially my boyfriend now.
Friend: So does that mean you are officially putting out now?
--49th St & 8th Ave
Headline by: kk
Runners-Up:
· "Facebook Decides to Expand the 'It's Complicated' Option" - betty
· "I Guess I'm Officially Cheating on Him Now Too" - Chris
· "No, He's Still Getting Laid Under the Table" - Professor Coldheart
· "No, That's Still Unofficial. I'm Catholic." - c
· "Once My PR Puts Out the Media Release." - winnie
· "When Government Overregulates" - Vasyl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If Only the Minutemen Could Keep Out Hicks
Little kid, holding out french fry: Patata!
Hick woman: Patoota? What's that?
Hick man: Little kids' word.
--Belgian Beer Bar, 75th & 2nd
Overheard by: Even my Spanish isn't that bad
...That Anybody Takes Charades Seriously
Girl #1: I don't know where he met her. All I know is that she can't play charades for shit and she's half Greek.
Girl #2: What do you mean she cant play charades? And I thought she was from Argentina.
Girl #1: Whatever. The point is, I take charades really seriously. How the hell do you act out The Cosby Show? Who comes up with that?
Girl #2: Wow. That's amazing.
--5th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Aria Grillo
Laguna Beach, Encapsulated
Girl #1: Do you like money? Cause I like money!
Girl #2: I like money, I really like money!
Girl #3: No, no, no, I love money! I love it!
--6th Ave & 26th St, Outside Nightspot
Overheard by: Lynchbeast
Wednesday One-Liners-- As Far As You Know
Man on cell, coming out of The Dark Knight: I'm sorry that I couldn't pick up your call, I was in a very important meeting with a client.
--Lowes Movie Theater, 68th & Broadway
Guy on cell walking out of subway entrance: I'm getting on the subway now.
--Park Place & Church Street
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Female suit on cell: Well, I can't talk long, I'm about to get on a plane. Yeah, JFK.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: pop pop
Overweight woman to daughter in pink tutu: You made me come here! Don't lie! Don't lie! Don't lie!
--Ikea, Redhook
Overheard by: Emily B.
Annoying anchor: I'm writing a newscast. I don't have time to check facts.
--CBS News Headquarters, 57th St
Overheard by: The Shadow News Bunny
Yo Quiero Wednesday One-Liners
Woman to male teacher: I thought you were a middle aged Latino woman.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Alex and Colin
Chubby Latino: I don't want to go there. It'll just be a bunch of angry Dominicans throwing tables.
--Cooper Park, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Drunken lady, sitting uninvited at a Hispanic family table: Cinco cuatro cinco... en Chicago. I have a business at 545 Chicago. In Chicago. I am a successful woman. Stay in school, sweetie. Learn your math and arithmetic... Yes, your math, and your arithmetic. And be good to your mommy. You only have one mommy, so be good to her. Alright, ciao, guys. Adios, coco! What? A cab? No, no, I'm fine.
--Pio Pio Restaurant, 91st & 1st
Overheard by: HJWC
Hasidic Jew answering cell: Hola? Hola? Hola!
--30 Rock
Overheard by: Micky
Bespectacled man on cell, walking a dog: And I owe it all to the politically incorrect Frito Bandito.
--Bryant Park
Domo Arigato, Mr. Wednesday One-Liner
Nine-year-old boy: Sometimes I just think I am a robot. I mean, aren't I a robot?
--E 17th & Broadway
Overheard by: definitely human
Tall guy: Yeah, you have to learn not to trust those shifty-eyed robots.
--Union Square
Hipster: And, like, he wasn't even gay... he was just not human.
--88th & Park
Comic book guy: No, not Optimus Prime. But yes, I have had sexual thoughts... about robots.
--40th & 7th
Cute chick: You don't need a sex robot to have sex with a robot.
--Old Town Bar
Overheard by: Lieut. Liplock
Wednesday One-Liners Bust Out One-Armed Pushups for Fun
Chick on cell: Yeah, I'm like a hardcore rollerblader now. I just haven't learned how to stop yet.
--44th & 3rd
Steroid Freak: So I was hanging from his torso and then we tried to insert the triangle...
--25th & Lexington
Young man to friend: He likes me, he likes my style... he wants me to contort my limbs on a float.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Eyeteeth
Bored teenage girl (from 2nd story window): Hello, Mr Runner man! You've got a long way to go! I see you across the street there, wearing all black. These are words of encouragement! I support your acts of fitness!
--Vanderbilt & Bergen
Overheard by: Jilly
Female power-walker with cigarette: I used to be able to make a mile in under 7, but that was, you know, way back in college, before the job and the (runs out of breath) ...way back.
--Prospect Park Loop
Overheard by: EmLo
Flushed and Slurring Wednesday One-Liners
Female baggage handler to male colleague: I don't drink tequila no more. That's how I got my first kid.
--LaGuardia Airport
Very impressed girl on cell: Whoa! You actually remembered her name this time? Were you not drunk?
--12th St & University Place
Overheard by: Mr. Hedge
Seemingly sober grad student: Let's face it. We'll be drunk in (checks watch) fifteen minutes.
--Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
NYC police officer: How hard can it be to find a drunk person on this floor?
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Vanessa
Girl with drink, to friends: This will have to be my last one, guys, I have to go babysit.
--Greenwich Ave & Charles Street
Overheard by: Jodi
New York's Finest Wednesday One-Liners
Black kid after seeing white girl in gym clothes run by: Man, for a second I thought that white girl was running from the cops too!
--Fordham Road, The Bronx
Overheard by: run, white girl, run
Middle-aged black lady yelling on crowded train: Young black men stand the fuck up! Kill the NYPD!
--A Train
Little kid to bus driver, after a police car siren is heard: Whenever I hear a police car siren, I always think that they are getting donuts, 'cause, ya know, cops love donuts, right?
--B41 Bus
Dude: I was playing the new GTA. I drove around looking for my apartment but couldn't find it, so I just shot a bunch of cops.
--Columbus Circle
Cop with M-4 assault rifle (serious voice, on a sunny day): It's raining men out here.
--86th & Lexington
Wednesday One-Liners Eat Boogers
Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst...
--Nathan's, West 32nd St
Overheard by: SuzeV
Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out!
--Duane Reade, 14th & 1st
Overheard by: Lillian
Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!
--96th and Broadway
Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle.
--jet blue terminal, jfk
Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients
Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it.
--Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th
Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit
Did Wednesday Crawl Up Your One-Liner and Die?
Man on phone: So you know that guy whose mouth I farted in? He was totally at the bar last night.
--4th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: not that guy
Hobo to his dog: Was that you who farted or me? Because I think it was you.
--67th & Amsterdam
NYU kid on cell: No, no, dude! You're not hearing me! I'm telling you that we were playing the game "I never" and the question was "I've never farted in an elevator" ...yeah! I know! But here's the thing, dude! She claimed she'd never farted! (laughs) Nooo, dude! You heard me right: Never ever. And I gotta tell you, bro: it's creepin' me out!
--La Guardia b/w Bleecker & Houston
Overheard by: Elevator Bomb Dropper
Jealous guy: I hope her boyfriend farts in her face and she gets pink eye.
--L Train
Woman on cell: Now, honey, tell the truth. Did you fart on Santa's lap?
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Mike N
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Talk Here. It Isn't Safe
Conspiracy theorist: The government knows everything these days. The goddamn E-ZPass knows when I'm going to be intimate.
--Sly Fox Bar
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Dude on cell (angrily): You should not be paying that much for oil, man... No, we are not going to run out of oil anytime soon! Don't you know that there are X-ray satellites all around the Earth, and they know the location of all the oil, natural gas, and aluminum under the ground? We can do that, because we have the satellite technology!
--Bronx 2 Train
Elderly man seeing another with cochlear implant: Wow... now they re talking to your brain!
--Time Warner Building, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: michael
Drunk hobo on R train: I never met a woman that wasn't a federal agent. You can't trust women. Women are like computers. Never trust a machine that can think.
--R Train
High school girl: You know what I just found out? Those crop circles are real! I didn't know that! And if you take an electronic device down there to video tape them, it will explode.
--Wendy's
Wednesday One-Liners Just Hope They'll Get There Eventually
Conductor: This is 14th Street, Union Square. Transfers available to the 4, 5, 6, L, Q, R, and W trains. This is a Queens-bound N train. The next stop will be 14th Street, Union Square. 14th Street, Union Square will be the next stop.
--Uptown N Train, Canal Street
Overheard by: V
Conductor: This is 33rd Street. Transfer is available to the... street.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Murray Hill Schlub
Conductor: This is 66th street, Lincoln Tunnel.
--Downtown 2 Train
Overheard by: Close but no cigar
Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen. This train will *not* be going to South Ferry, due to issues with the problem. I repeat: we will *not* be going to South Ferry, because of issues with the problem.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Ladle
Conductor: There is no N train service across the platform. I repeat, there is no N service across the platform. (N train pulls in) ...that is an an N train across the platform.
--Queensboro Plaza
Wednesday One-Liners: Ribbed for Her Pleasure
Loud office chick: Oh my god, I found, like, four condoms on the bookshelf!
--Hudson St
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Serious teen on cell: If you use a condom... It doesn't count.
--Murray Hill
40-something woman to two 20-year-old men: Don't believe any girl when she tells you she's on birth control. Take your condom and keep it in your wallet.
--19th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: McCrum
Guy on cell: You're just mad because your dick is tiny and the condom slipped off.
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Powerwalking Indian woman: I mean, isn't that why I went on the pill? So guys can come in me?
--40th & Queens Blvd, Queens
Overheard by: Ohmarkus
Dude, Where Are My Wednesday One-Liners?
Suit on cell: You know, in the 80s everyone and their brother were making limos in their basement.
--17th & Broadway
Overheard by: Vespa
(obnoxious pimped-out car revs up at stop sign, then tears down the road)
Old guy: That guy's goin' back to the future! 88 miles per hour!
--9th & Stuyvesant
Tough-looking woman to younger one: Let me teach you how to break into a car...
--27th b/w 6th & 5th
Overheard by: Kyle
Russian guy on cell (in Russian): I am not seeing her as a woman, I am seeing her as a potential driver of a vehicle.
--Lower East Side
50-something woman: I haven't seen a good pimpmobile since the seventies. I mean, what happened to all the purple, maroon, and gold? What is all of this crap with yellow hummers and black Escalades these days, it's like all the pimps went to finishing school sometime in 1981.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Graham Davis
Oh Wait-- There's JLo's Ass
Camp counselor pointing to giant brass globe: Guys, look! This is America... And way out here is Hawaii...
Camper: I can't find where's The Bronx.
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Autumn
Where Do Your Parents Think You Are?
Underage brunette: So, do you want to go somewhere else? I kind of want to stay because that guy is so hot!
Underage blonde: No, I want to stay here because my ID works here and I'm afraid to go somewhere else. Yeah, he is hot, it's weird that he's ignoring you.
Underage brunette: I know, right? I just want to go home with him tonight.
Underage blonde: Well, when we hooked up we had sex four times that night, you know?
Underage brunette: Yeah, I guess I need to get a little more drunk. Let's go.
--Bathroom, Heartland Brewery, Empire State Building
Overheard by: nycResident
Nicole Richie's Life Is Proceeding As Usual
Guy: I mean, she can come with and dance on the table.
Girl: I wanna see the baby!
--Avenue U & Coney Island Ave
Overheard by: I wanna go where they're going.
Fine--Your Pussy's the Biggest I've Ever Seen, Okay?
Man: Why do you always have to bring that up?
Woman: Oh, come on, your penis is huge! It's one of the biggest I've ever seen! (gestures with hands)
Man (looking around nervously): Are you crazy? We're in a public place!
Woman: What? No one is listening.
--Lumi Restaurant
Especially When It Predicts a Black Hole at the Big Bang
Good looking brunette: Yeah, then we talked about physics.
Intrigued girl pal: Oh, really? Why?
Good looking brunette: Not sure, but I remember it turned me on.
Intrigued girl pal: Oh...
(awkward silence)
Hot guy pal: (nods head)
Good looking brunette: What? I really like physics! Its the math... I really like math.
--Park Ave
Overheard by: angela
"Fuck Your Mother" Is Practically a Good-Guy Mantra
Young thug #1: Everyone is getting tattoos! Everyone!
Young thug #2: Like who?
Young thug #1: Dave. He just got another tat. I want a tat!
Young thug #2: So, why don't you get one?
Young thug #1: I can't... (whispers) My mom won't let me.
Young thug #2: Shit, nigga, fuck your mother. You can get a tat and be a good guy. I'm a good guy. My record is sealed!
--Deli, Park Slope
If You Want a Taste Of the Rainbow, Go for It!
Teenage Spanish girls: Mister, mister! Where'd you get that belt?
Guy: (mumbles)
Girl #1: You know that's the gay belt, right? That belt is gay, yo.
Guy: (shakes head)
Girl #2: Yeah, that's the gay belt. You better take that shit off! Are you gay?
Guy: (shakes head)
Girl #1: Then take that shit off man! You can't have a gay belt. What store did you get it at? Didn't they tell you when you bought it? Mister, you better return that shit to the store!
Girl #3: Maybe he's bi. Hey mister, it's okay if you're bi. I mean, I like eating pussy.
--Uptown N Train
Overheard by: Jeff
P.S. Your Boobs Are Crooked Today
Girl #1: Do I have a camel toe?
Girl #2: No, you're good.
Girl #1: Thanks for being a good friend and looking at my vagina.
--109th St & Amersterdam
Overheard by: Kizzle
How Gary Posthumously Came Out to His Parents
Florist #1 (hanging up the phone) We just got a funeral.
Florist #2: Man or woman?
Florist #1: Man.
Florist #2: Goddammit! We have all these pink roses and nothing we can use them for!
Florist #1: We could always use them and hope that he was a flamer.
--Flower Shop, Greenwich Village
It's Like Sleeping With a Very Hairy Lesbian
Woman in workout clothes: It definitely does not grow with age because he's 23 and he has the tiniest penis.
Friend: Yeah, I totally agree...
--Union Square
Overheard by: squeaky
Is It That Time Of Year Already?
Dude: I'm thinking about going to the Philharmonic concert tonight in Central Park.
Chick: Hmm, interesting. I just don't know that I could sit through a harmonica concert.
Dude: No, no, it's the *Phil* harmonic concert.
Chick: Oh! (pause) Who is that?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: andrew
Urge to Talk to You Fading...Fading...
Salesgirl #1: My friend totally looks like George Costanza.
Salesgirl #2: Wow.
Salesgirl #1: Except picture him 20 years younger.
Salesgirl #2: Okay.
Salesgirl #1: Oh, and with hair.
Salesgirl #2: Uh huh.
Salesgirl #1: And his hair is blonde.
Salesgirl #2: Right...
--Rothman's, 17th & PAS
Overheard by: shopper
What With the Go-Go Boots and the White Lipstick
Queer #1: I feel like you should have been born in the 60s.
Queer #2: I know, right? I'm such a 60s girl.
--The Modern Bar Room
Overheard by: Jizzle
Scene from Every Puberty Movie Ever Made
Girl #1: So, like, I don't understand why everything is so... strange.
Girl #2: Strange as in... mot normal?
Girl #1: I mean strange as in weird.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jenn
Ditto for Quality Service
Patron: What do you suggest if I don't want red meat?
Luger's waiter: Another restaurant.
--Peter Luger's
Overheard by: glad I didn't ask for their tofu dish
Once Again, I'm Just Your Doorman, Ma'am
Young hippie girl: So you're too tired to go to the Empire State Building and you're too hot to go on the boats? So basically you don't love me.
Old, sweaty, stressed guy (laughing): We're here again?
--Central Park
But You Know What They Say -- "Beer Before Liquor; Fly There Quicker"
Pilot (after landing plane in New York): American Airlines welcomes you all to foggy Ottawa, and we hope you had a pleasant flight.
Everybody on plane: Huh? What!
Pilot: Whoopsies, I mean New York City, JFK. (under his breath but still audible) I should drink less.
--JFK Tarmac
Overheard by: seat 32B
You Earn Extra Street Cred for Creeping Out a Hobo
Suit lugging huge rolling suitcase to hobo taking up two seats on train: Pardon me.
Hobo (sliding over, looking at huge suitcase): What do you have there, a dog or something?
Suit (with deadpan look on his face, stroking suitcase fondly): I used to. (sighs)
(hobo slowly inches away)
--L Train
Overheard by: Cai
That's What I Asked for at the Salon
Boyfriend: No, seriously, you have the vagina of a nine-year-old girl.
Girlfriend (flattered): Thank you!
--72nd St
Overheard by: Dubjay
Too Easy-- That Was Like Sandblasting a Soup Cracker
Ten-year-old tourist girl wearing pink Crocs: Smoking is bad for you!
Smoking queer: Crocs are for retarded kids who can't tie their own shoes.
--50th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Scott
Nobody Puts Baby in the Toilet!
Chick #1: Did I ever tell you about my friend's mom who had a baby in the toilet?
(awkward pause)
Chick #2: Now you're gonna tell it?
--Pomme Frite Restaurant
In the 70s They Called That a 'Nose Job'.
JAP: I did the whole Manhattan/Long Island/Westchester Jew thing this year.
Guy: How'd that work out?
JAP: I think I'm going to cut that phase in my life.
--NYU
Overheard by: A. Pincus
Headline by: Still got my original nose.
Runners-Up:
· "By Which I Mean the Inside Of My Thigh" - Tadzio
· "I Realized I Can Keep the Sense Of Entitlement Without All That Extra Work." - stoobydoo
· "I Think Hitler Tried That Already...." - Sarah Booz
· "I'll Tell the Guy Who's Ghost-Writing My Autobiography Later Today" - Louis
· "JAP Code for I Was Slutty and Need an Abortion" - Casual Observer
· "Sort Of a "Lifestyle Bris"" - Chris
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Only If You Say "Aaron Burr" With Your Mouth Full Like That
Hobo: Can anybody help me? Can anybody help me get some food? Can anybody help me get something to eat? I appreciate it.
20-something girl, handing him a ziplocked sandwich: It's peanut butter and jelly.
(hobo hands it back, reconsiders, opens bag, sniffs it, and reluctantly eats it)
Hobo eating sandwich: Cam amymumy hem me. Cam amymumy hem me geh some food that's not a peanut butter sammich. I appreciate it.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Albertro
This Secret Art Is Passed from Father to Son
(scary looking man scratching balls waiting to cross the street with a four-year-old in one hand. Little boy copies his daddy in scratching his balls)
Little boy: Ouch! It hurts!
Scary man: That's cause you're not doing it right.
--E.16th St, Brooklyn
In Perfect Penmanship, on Crisp Notecards
Girl: Thank you.
Guy: For what?
Girl: For being you.
Guy: Can't you be more specific? I thank you for sex.
--24rd St & 3rd Ave
Like Having a Threesome Where at Least One of the Guys Is Competent
Latina #1: That was the worst movie ever.
Latina #2: It was, kinda. But we saw the other one for free.
--Regal Movie Theater, Union Square
Overheard by: A&P
Try "Doggies for Druggies," Sir
Young thug to ASPCA rep with Pit Bull: Yo, is that a Pit Bull? Can I get her?
ASPCA rep: Yes, she is up for adoption, her name is...
Young thug: Yo, that's cool, cuz I like sell weed and shit, and I need a pit.
ASPCA rep: Uhh... (turns and walks away)
Young thug: I ain't gonna beat her.
--Union Square, ASPCA Day
Overheard by: Somebody should beat him.
Phyllis Puts on Her War Face Before Taking The Subway Home
Blue-collar guy holding elevator door: Have a good night.
Older professional lady getting off elevator: Peace out.
--Office Building, Park Avenue
Dignity Zero, Entertainment Ten
Guy in stall #1: Hey, can you pass me some toilet paper? There's none here.
Guy in stall #2: Sure. (pause) Here's a bit. It ain't much.
Guy in stall #1: I'll take whatever you can give me.
Guy in stall #2: Sure, I know how it is. (starts to sing) I know how it iiiiiis, to be stranded on the toilet bowwwwwl...
--Men's Restroom, Bryant Park
But It Was a Condition of Going on Elimidate
Young guy: Well, I called her a ho, but I didn't mean it.
Young girl: But she was your date!
--14th St & 7th Ave
Said the Grasshopper to the Ant
Guy with clipboard: Hey there! Do you have a minute for gay rights?
Gay dude: Every minute of my life is for gay rights.
Guy with clipboard: Are you aware that there are people in Washington trying to take your rights away?
Gay dude: No shit! That's not news! Leave me alone!
--16th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: mille shayntwright
It'd Be Good to Be Onesie Nation Again
Two-year-old in stroller: I love Barack Obama!
Exasperated mother: We know. We know you love Barack Obama.
--Great Lawn, Central Park
Overheard by: Helena the Great
Before Putting Him in a Fresh Diaper and Reading Him a Story
Girl #1: I keep getting urinary tract infections.
Girl #2: Well, maybe he has a dirty penis.
Girl #1: No, I wash it for him in the shower.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Susan
They Rent Out Kids for Precisely That Purpose
Girl: He sucks at his job. How does he not get fired?
Friend: He probably uses the kid card.
Girl: The what?
Friend: You know, the "Oh, look at my kid!"
--Astor Place & Broadway
Overheard by: christine y0
Ah, Spring, Whan a Young Man's Fancy Turns to Groping in the Back Seat
Girl #1: I think spring is my favorite season, I mean, it's mating season... but I dunno, I also like the fall.
Girl #2: No, it's true, all creatures mate during spring.
Guy: Yeah. I mean, prom is during spring.
--111th b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
I'd Never Seen Anyone Do Wheelies While Making Stir-Fry Like That
Brunette: She was in a wheelchair.
Blonde: She was a bitch on wheels!
Brunette: Yeah, she'd come wheeling out and I was like: "Dammit, Conchita!" ...but she could cook.
--Café Mare Gelateria
Don't Overthink It, You'll Ruin Him
Guy with Mohawk drinking a beer: That guy over there is half Asian and half black.
Friend in skinny jeans: That's so postmodern!
--The Cock, 2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Trevor From Seattle
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