Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
You Really Want to Go There, Little Miss No-Boobs?
Seven-year-old girl to her mom: I have more jewelry than you! I have more jewelry than you!
Mother: Like many things in life, this is not a competition.
Girl: Of course it's a competition!
--West Broadway & Broome Street, SoHo
Overheard by: And I thought people would be quoting me...
I Can't See the Mediterranean Diet Being Good for My Heart
Chick 1: So he was hot but you didn't call him back because he was descended from royalty and his family was assassinated?
Chick 2: More or less. And he asked me to decorate his apartment 13 minutes after I met him.
Chick 1: But he was half Greek.
Chick 2: And half Syrian.
Chick 1: Oh.
--L Train
You Should Take That As a Sign to Fuck Me
Fashionista queer: Excuse me, could I bum a cigarette?
Rocker queer: Sorry, I don't smoke. But you should take that as a sign to quit! It's bad for you!
Fashionista queer: Who cares, I'm skinny!
--Cafeteria, 17th & 7th
Overheard by: Nellee
Or I'll Remind Everyone That Your Parents Hired an Accordion Player for Your Bat Mitzvah
Teen girl #1: I'm done with you. I hate you. I hope DJ Spinbad performs at the sweet 16 you're going to tomorrow!
Teen girl #2: Ohh you take that back. Take it back!
--5th Ave
Ronald McDonald: I Am the Way and the Truth and the Sauce
Customer: Can I have five barbecue sauces?
Cashier: No. This is not Burger King. You cannot have it your way.
--McDonald's
Overheard by: megan loves ian
We'll Always Have Paris
Teen girl #1: So yeah, like...Paris Hilton totally got kicked out of our school for doing coke too!
Teen girl #2: Paris Hilton went to our school?!
Teen girl #1: Bitch, this isn't about Paris... All I can say is: How cool is it that I got kicked out of the same school as Paris Hilton did, for the same reason?
Teen girl #2: Wait, you got kicked out?
Teen girl #1: Why the fuck do you think I'm not in class anymore?
Teen girl #2: Everyone thought you were pregnant again.
--Park Bench, 89 & CPW
It'd Be Hard to Ketchup
(large Russian woman walks by and says hi)
Old Jewish guy #1: Waddya think of her? She's Russian, right?
Old Jewish guy #2: Yeah, yeah, you can tell. I don't go for that, though. She's a big broad, real chunky. She's like a big tomato.
--Sheep's Meadow, Central Park
Overheard by: makes me hungry...
Either Way, She's My Heroine
Chick: Her Facebook picture is her double-fisting two beer bottles.
Queer: Oh, please. You know they were originally two cocks and she Photoshopped them out.
--House party, 172 & Broadway
Overheard by: Well-dressed Indian boy
Legally, They Can't Deprive Me of My Liberty
Girl: She wants me to make a distribution e-mail for four people!
Gay: You better do it.
Girl: Or what? They'll take away my blow-up Statue of Liberty desk statue?
--6 Train
Robot: Danger, Will Robinson!
Man: I love you...you know.
Woman: Well then, you'll buy me something expensive.
--Outside Paul Smith Shop
Overheard by: Liam Shove
Your Real Parents Are Never Coming for You, Kid
(family stands facing the empire state building)
Tourist son: Mom, which one is the Empire State Building?
Tourist mom: I think it's the one with the circley top. (points to the Chrysler Building)
Tourist dad: No, honey, it's the one way out there, on the water.
Tourist son #2: That's the Statue of Liberty. (to no one in paritcular) I can't believe I'm part of this fucking family.
--Top of the Rock
Overheard by: Melissa
Just Keep Walking 'til Your Feet Get Wet
Woman: How do we know where it is?
Man: That guy said it's at the end of the street.
Woman: Yeah, well, where does the street end?
--Outside of St James Theatre
Overheard by: howdumbareyou
No Tip for You, My Good Man
Man at McDonald's drive-Thru: I'll have a #1 with a Diet Coke please.
Employee: Anything else?
Man: Nope, that's it. And this is all to go.
Employee: Ya think?
--McDonald's, Bayside
What Mr. Clean Commercials Are Like in Europe
Girl to boy squeezing her boobs: Oh, you are cruising for a bruising.
Boy: Haha, like the one I gave you on the kitchen table this morning?
Girl: (laughs)
Boy (suddenly serious): Man, I hope nobody ate off of that.
--Pier 11
Overheard by: mentally reviewing everyplace I ate
Accept Its Insanity or Face Its Wrath
Young boy: Daddy! We're going outside soon, yay!
Father: No we're not. We're going over the g line, we'll have to go to Hoyt Street underground, then switch to the f. Then we'll go outside.
Young boy: Why, daddy?
Father: Because it's the MTA.
--F Train
Overheard by: marc V
Then What's the War on Polyester?
Tattooed man holding copy of Peaceful Warrior: What about this? I think I'd like this.
Girlfriend: Why?
Tattooed man: It's about a big war or something.
Girlfriend (reading back of DVD): No, no. It's about a warrior.
Tattooed man: Yeah, so there has to be a war if there's a warrior.
Girlfriend: I don't think it's about a real war, it says something here about gymnastics.
Tattooed man: Gymnastics? That's like a faggot war or something.
--Hollywood Video, Staten Island
The Day New York Stood Still
Atlantic Avenue announcement: The 2, 3, 4, 5, b and q trains are not running into Manhattan. As an alternative, take the n, d, or r trains.
Pacific Street announcement: The n, d and r trains are not running into Manhattan. As an alternative, take the 2, 3, 4, 5, b or q trains.
--Atlantic/Pacific Subway Station
Overheard by: Jen Diff
I Know I'll Never Need Anything Else As Long As I Live
Little girl: Please?
Father: I'm not paying attention to you.
Little girl: Pleeeeeeease? Do you want me to cry? I'll cry. Do you want me to cry, daddy? (holds up stuffed owl) Just get this for me and I'll be happy, please?
--Gift Shop, Museum of Natural History
On the Internet I Do
Girlfriend: My shoes are killing me.
Boyfriend: If you don't stop I'll have to punch you in the cunt.
Girlfriend: Would you even know where to find it?
--East Village
Overheard by: C
Are You Guys Accepting New Members?
Hobo ringing bells: La laaaa lalala mmmmmmdooodaaaa.
Loud girl: Oh my god, a Hare Krishna!
--14th & Broadway
You Mean France-- She's from France!
Girl #1: How much is a train ride?
Girl #2 (in disbelief): Two dollars.
Girl #1: Well, I don't know these things. I'm from Jersey.
Girl #2: Shhhhhhhhhhhh!
--A Train
Overheard by: It's okay, we knew you were Jersey
A Guy Who Knows His Way Around a Guitar?
Ordinary girl: Hey, Rockefeller Center is this way.
Fabulous ghetto girl: What the hell is a Rockefeller?
--Outside Penn Station
Overheard by: John-John
My Plan for World Domination Is Working!
Bum making weird hooting noise: Hoooooooooo! Hooooooooo!
Girl #1: What the hell? Is that a man?
Girl #2 (sarcastically): Hahaha, no, it's a fucking Mack truck.
Bum: Hahaha you stupid bitch. Stuuuupid bitches. You thought I was a truck! You thought I was a truck! Hahaha! Stuuuuuuupid stuuuuuuuuupid!
--33rd & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Totally not a truck
Jeez, Even They Can't Understand Each Other
Conductor on PA: (unintelligible)
Driver on PA: Uh, could you say that again, partner? I didn't get that.
Conductor: I *said* (unintelligible)!
Driver: Never mind.
--D Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
The NYC Thought Police Arrested Her on an Anonymous Tip
Woman: Yeah, we just returned from a trip to Pennsylvania, and we were happily surprised to find that the people were normal.
Man: Normal like New Yorkers ?
Woman: Yeah, they didn't seem like they were from Harrisburg at all.
--Forest Ave & Bleecker St, Queens
An Hour Earlier, It Was Prime Walk-of-Shame Time
Man #1: I always look for hot babes on the way to work, but never see much.
Man #2: That's because the hot ones work in fashion. Only ugly girls have to be at work this early.
--Columbus Circle
I've Been Highlighting My Hair for Years in Preparation
Blond: She says UCLA Santa Cruz is, like, 7 hours from LA.
Brunette: Weird. Well, I want to apply to the UCLA that's in LA.
Blond: Oh my god, I've been telling my dad since I was like four that I wanted to go UCLA. You know, the one in LA.
Brunette: We should totally both go there together!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: really?
Wasn't He Marlon Brando's Personal Cook?
Man: Who was that chef who said "Butter, butter, bring me more butter."?
Woman: Umm, I think you just made that up.
Man: No, he said it. And he meant it, and he was right! (butters roll)
--Brazil Grill, 8th Ave & 48th
Why England Attacked New England
Girl #1: I wonder where Austria is.
Girl #2: It must be by Australia, because they sound the same.
--Bus
Overheard by: David
You Guys Are Becoming Chinks in My Armor
Construction worker #1: This place is expensive.
Construction worker #2: Ca-ching.
Korean store owner: I'm not fucking Chinese.
Construction worker #2: It's the cash register sound.
Korean store owner: I don't care, I'm not fucking Chinese, get out of my store.
--Canal & West Broadway
Overheard by: also not chinese
Technically, Them Stars Be "Lion"
Woman: The world revolves around me!
Man: Who says?
Woman: Astrology. I'm a Leo. The stars say the world revolved around me.
Man: Them stars be lyin'.
--Uptown 2 Train
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Sweet or Salty?
Queer #1: I sucked you off and swallowed your cum!
Queer #2: Shh, not now, someone will hear.
Queer #1: No! No one is listening!
Girl next to them: Actually, I'm listening.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Carly
Thus Concludes Our Report on Japanese Cuisine
Cuisine expert #1: That sake shit is clear.
Cuisine expert #2: Word.
--151 & Amsterdam
Lucy and Linus Enter the 21st Century
Eight-year-old girl to little brother on bike: Hey, asshole!
Little brother: What? Are you talking to me?
Eight-year-old girl: Yeah, you're annoying me. You're pissin' me off!
--Central Park
Headline by: KateNonymous
Runners-Up:
· "And on That Day, Young Travis Bickle's Life Took a Turn" - jlp
· "From the Rarely Seen First Episode Of the Donnie and Marie Show." - Chris L
· "New Yorkers-in-Training" - Oren K
· "Sesame Street Has REALLY Changed" - Bob
· "When Cindy Mistook Her Dad's Protein Shake for a Milkshake..." - fox
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And You Habitually Overeat
Girl walking down the street: Why do I feel so full?
Little kid: Cause you're drunk!
--Bleecker St, West Village
Overheard by: Diva
I'll Give You Five Back If You Let Me Graze a Nip
Aspiring rapper: Hey guys, 'sup? Would you care to help a struggling rapper by buying my CD for $20?
Guy: Uh... I don't really want your album for $20.
Aspiring rapper: Could you hug me for $10 then?
--Times Square
Exactly How the Native Americans Felt
Nine-year-old to friend: Yo, how many white people we got here?
Friend: One, two, too many.
--Fort Greene Park
Mild-Mannered Wednesday by Day. One-Liner by Night.
Chick on cell: Do you prefer the superhero theme to us in only aprons, holding penis cakes?
--Garden of Eden Supermarket, 107th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
White guy to white girl: Wait, you'd be proud to be supermanned by me?
--D Train
(at the superhero fashion exhibit, in front of Catwoman's display)
Man to little kid: Oh, and look! She has a whip. I wonder what that's for...
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: EK
Black guy on cell: Nigga, you can't be James Bond and Batman, you pick which one you are.
--Smith & 9th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ewan Walsh
Girl on cell: Am I gonna need to drug you, put you in a superhero costume, and snap photos?
--Halloween Adventure Store
Overheard by: McF
Batman to four-year-old who jumped out from behind a table: Evan, don't sneak up on me. Superheroes are wound very tight.
--Birthday party, Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: PG
Wednesday One-Liners in Clear Heels
Woman on cell: I may or may not have just accidentally become a sex worker.
--40th & 9th
Overheard by: McFreaky
Attractive gay man to boyfriend: If I had a better body, I would be a prostitute.
--W 4th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: rpk
Girl to friends: Just slap me! Slap me like a Thai hooker, for god's sake.
--115th & Broadway
Overheard by: columbia undergrad
Five-year-old boy: Mom, what's a gigolo?
--6 Train
Overheard by: Justine
Woman yelling into a cell: For the love of god, I'm sleeping with men for crack. Do you really think that would mess with my list of priorities?
--2nd Ave & Houston
Overheard by: Wonders what the suggestion was
20-something woman on cell: Wait--am I in the sex industry?
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Poogins
America Runs on Wednesday One-Liners
Thug: I love you because when I'm with you I feel like I'm Barack Obama and you're Hillary Clinton.
--N Train
All-black-wearing chick with cigarette: Do you ever find yourself thinking really conservative thoughts by accident?
--Outside International Affairs Building, Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Subway crazy: Rip Torn for president! Denny McLain for Secretary of State!
--Uptown 6 Train
Girl with baby in her arms: You know, he taped an Obama poster on his door and I was like, "Oh no, you didn't put that up." 'cause he don't know nothing about politics. Hell, he a felon...he can't even vote.
--East Village Urban Outfitters
Five-year-old boy pointing at a sidewalk mural of Hillary and Obama: Mom, look, Hillary! (long pause) And some guy.
--106th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kip
Grumpy old man: Things have been going downhill since the Wilson administration.
--70th & Columbus
Overheard by: Devoted Puppy
What's a Nice Wednesday One-Liner Like You Doing in a Place Like This?
Guy to girl with afro crossing the street: Hey gorgeous! Gorgeous! Let me massage your kinky tips!
--8th Ave & W 4th
Comedy club promoter to hot girl: Hi, do you like comedy? (girl keeps walking) Okay, do you like skinny white guys then?
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Galina
Young boy reading aloud in halting monotone: I like that outfit. It would look great crumpled up on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. You have 206 bones in your body, want one more?
--Borders, Kips Bay
Overheard by: Emily
Fat white guy in Mets jersey to hot blonde: Hello, my name is Tom and I'm horny. (blonde keeps walking)
--Lexington & 50th
Black man to female passerby: S'cuse me miss... Not to seem rude, but to be honest...for a white girl, you got a nice butt.
--5th Ave
Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this last weekend I went to a club...never again. I walked in, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. I saw a beautiful lady across the bar, went up to her and said, "Where have you been all my life?" She said back to me "I think for the first half of your life, I wasn't born." This is 59th, Columbus circle, have a good day, ladies and gentlemen.
--A Train
Wednesday One-Liners, As God Made Them
Guy on cell: What does you caring about me have to do with me at some club with "hypothetical" naked chicks?
--42nd & Lexington
Guy yelling across street to girl on phone: Tell her I waited naked on the bed all night but she never came!
--Washington Square
Suit to another: It's so weird because there are so many people at the office who you'd never think to picture naked... Like Marcy: you'd never picture her naked. Alex: you'd never picture him naked. Derek: I've never pictured him naked.
--F Train
Overheard by: EmLo
Guy, to two women: I was like, "You're lying on top of me. We're naked. When does this get fun?"
--Philosophy Building, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
(girl is wearing small, tight, mini-skirt and talking to a group of boys)
Girl: If it was up to me, I wouldn't be wearing any clothes, if it weren't for gravity.
--Sybil's, Liberty Ave, Queens
Overheard by: Terrence
20-something girl to friend: So I chased after him, but I was naked...so how far could I go?
--Brooklyn Promanade
Wednesday One-Liners Still Aren't a Tourist Attraction
(looking down at Washington Square Park's currently under-construction fountain)
Girl: Oh, is that where the World Trade Center used to be?
--Kimmel Center
Bensonhurst Italian guy on phone: I can't fuckin' wait for the Freedom Tower.
--Financial District
Suit on cell: Does anyone know where 9/11 is?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jeffrey
Tourist: Is this the train to 9/11?
--R Train
Confused tourist (thinking he's looking at the WTC site): Will you look at that? They put a fucking graveyard in there! I mean, what the fuck?
--St. Paul's Church, Broadway & Fulton
Tourist: My favorite is my 9/11 Santa.
--Museum Shop, 53rd b/w 5th & 6th
Man's Best Wednesday One-Liners
Man: So I was making out with my ex girlfriend on the bridge and out of nowhere this dog runs over and starts humping my leg...
--Uptown 1 Train
Dude outside bar: All dogs are gay.
--7th Avenue, Park Slope
Overheard by: The Katie
Black man arguing with kiosk man: Yo, he ain't my son, he's my dog!
--6th Street
Middle-aged woman walking her dog to passersby: I'm a dog! I don't know why none of you believe me! I talk to my dog. Humans don't talk to animals, animals talk to animals! I'm not human! And until you people realize that, you're going to keep having problems with me!
--9th St & University Place
Overheard by: Katie
Drunk guy to girls walking puppy: Hey giiirl. Watch yo dawg. Giiirl! Watch yo dog... Cuz I might bite!
--Staten Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: Izzy
(teacher's cell rings)
Teacher: I have a feeling I have to answer this. It's very important. It's about my puppy.
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: student
Wednesday One-Liners Look Terrible in Neon Orange
20-something woman to man: You've never been arrested? I have never met anyone that has not been arrested!
--Le Charlot Restaurant, Upper East Side
Angry guy on cell: If you ever send e-mail to my family again, I will wait outside your apartment door! (pause) I got arrested! I spent Thanksgiving in jail!
--11th & University
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Man in US Correctional Services jacket to another looking around hectically in a large crowd: Make sure we don't lose him!
--Penn Station
Chubby well-dressed black dude to skinny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!
--F Train
Overheard by: MissMae
Guy on cell: Yeah man, she's like a young girl, and she's driving me nuts. It's like always a fight with her. I mean, she's so young, yo... But yeah, I mean, she's a sweetheart. I mean, she's a good girl. So young. Like, we've been together for 7 months and that ain't nothing to me, but to her it's a big deal. And I'm all like, shit, I've been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don't know what she's bitching about. I don't need her to make me miserable. I can make myself miserable.
--Metro-North Train
Overheard by: Meaghan
Fran Drescher sound-alike: What's wrong with you? Don't applaud, I'm going to jail!
--Eight Mile Creek, Mullberry Street
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Wednesday One-Liner Often Wonder How It Started To Be Spelled That Way
Girl: ...well it stopped working 'cause it got cum in it.
--W 27th St
Chick: I'm starving. The only protein I've had all day is an accidental cum shot to the face earlier this morning.
--SoHo
Guy to friends: If y'all was to really write it down and make a... a food chain of all of who used to date who, and who's dating who now, I bet you y'all got all the same juices running up in y'all system.
--2 Train
Overheard by: Kosi
Passing guy on cell: All I'm saying is everyone should have control over where their sperm goes.
--7th Ave
Hoochie on cell : Because I manage to get very juicy.
--L Train
Drunk girl at restaurant holding a champagne bottle: Excuse me, sir, can you open this for me? I'm afraid it's going to cum everywhere.
--Kaleidoscope, E 10th St
College dude: I bet there's semen somewhere on this grass.
--Great Lawn, Central Park
Overheard by: Liz
A Gaggle Of Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: I mean, it was bigger than a horse. But it had four humps.
--14th & 2nd
Overheard by: LIZ
Drunk man: A plastic sheep or a real sheep... When it comes down to it... is there really any difference?
--Biddy Early's Pub
Chick on cell: It's better than riding a golden yak!
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Man to friend: Did I mean "wombats"? Of course I meant fucking wombats!
--3 Train
Blonde: What is a mongoose and where can I get one?
--Times Square
Guy on cell (fumbling with a pack of Marlboros): Well, for one, it's been ten days since the baby snakes have eaten.
--92nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: The Mad Man
Middle-aged white guy: ...so we told the children they couldn't go to the petting zoo, to see how they would react. (pause) It was interesting on a psychological level.
--Outside of Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Remember When Wednesday One-Liner Were Black?
South African man to friend: Listen to what I just found out the other day... my friend's family owned Michael Jackson's family!
--NYU
Guy to friend (about a Halloween party): Dude, it's a totally corporate made-up holiday, but yeah, I'll dress up as Michael Jackson.
--Duane Reade, Union Square
Overheard by: Traczie
Professor: It's not as simple as black and white anymore. I mean, what color is Tiger Woods? What color is Barack Obama? What color is Michael Jackson?
--History of American Women Class, Pace University
Crazy hobo: This is the 2 Express Train! (a few minutes later) Goddammit, I been waiting two hours for the train! Now I gonna be too late for my lunch with Michael Jackson!
--66th Street Subway Platform
Overheard by: Seth
Little kid to another: You sicken everyone! Even Michael Jackson!
--161st St & 3rd Ave, The Bronx
Overheard by: li'l squeaker
Wednesday One-Liners May Leave a Bad Taste in Your Mouth
Bland middle-aged woman: It's not like you're giving head in the Port Authority bathroom!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: j
English tourist: You'll go home and people will ask: "So what did you do on holiday?" You'll reply: "Oh, I gave the Empire State Building a blowjob!"
--34th St
Guy on cell: Ugh, fuck me in the ass. No... no, not you. Meanie. Why don't you just suck my dick. Suck my dick!
--34th Street
Dude on cell: It was like getting a blowjob from the inside.
--8th Ave & 53rd St
Guy on cell: Is that the guy that's been sucking your dick?
--81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Kelley
Young guy on cell: And then I said: "I could really use a blowjob right now." She was offended!
--48th & Park
Young black man to friend: Just because she sucks my dick doesn't make her Oprah Winfrey.
--B48 Bus
And the Day Is Young
Guy in line for hot dog: Oh, so you're pregnant?
Woman in line (looks at stomach): Nope, just fat.
--Hot Dog Vendor near WTC
Overheard by: JB
Oh, Come On-- Your First-Graders Aren't That Bad.
Asian woman #1 (reading ad for tv show): This looks kind of like Dynasty. You know, rich people stabbing each other in the back.
Asian woman #2: Oh, please. Look--the whole cast is white. I see conniving white people all day at work: why watch them again when I get home?
--4 Train
Overheard by: Iris K.
Let's Whittle!
Chubby Hispanic guy: I got soap on a rope, dude.
Manly black guy: And I got scissors, baby.
--W 34th St
Unless I Could Interest You in Some Rebound Sex?
20-something girl (following older man and sniffing him): Mmmmmmm.
Older man (letting her pass): Excuse me?
Girl: Sorry about that. You smell like my boyfriend. And he dumped me two days ago. (eyes well up)
Older man: Well, you're making me nervous. Keep on walking, honey.
--4 Train
Overheard by: alex
Right at the Bottom of the Barrel
Tourist #1 (looking at a massive sales bin): Do you want to go? There's nothing good here.
Tourist #2: Yeah, let's go.
Tourist #1: Oh! Wait! Here's Dancing with the Stars!
--Virgin Megastore, Times Square
From London
Columbia student: And I might get a job at Scotland Yard.
Friend: I don't know what that is. I just moved here a few months ago.
--Uptown 1 Train
Can't We Just Have Anonymous Anal at the Gym Like Normal People?
Meathead #1: Hey, if we went camping and got really drunk, and you woke up with a used condom in your ass, would you tell anyone?
Meathead #2: Ummmm no. I don't think I would.
(five minutes later)
Meathead #1: Wanna go camping?
--C Train
But That Gear Shaft Totally Consented
Drunk middle-aged woman #1: Yeah, but I don't think...
Drunk middle-aged woman #2: The cops in the state of New Jersey all have computers in their cars. They pulled him over, and he wasn't even doing anything!
Drunk middle-aged man #1: Well, what did they say to you?
Drunk middle-aged man #2: They said I was driving erotically.
--NJ Transit
They're So Cute When They're Ignorant
Ten-year old boy: Dad, how long will it take to get to the World Trade Center?
Father: Well, it will take a while. We have to go through 14th Street, 9th Street, Christopher Street, Hoboken, Pavonia/Newport, then to Grove Street. Then at Grove Street we switch trains to go to the World Trade.
Ten-year old boy: Wow...and it's all 'cause of those damn terrorists!
--PATH train, 23rd Street
Wasn't There a Guy with This Fetish on Sex and the City?
Little girl in stroller (screaming): Touch ma hair! Touch ma hair! Touch me hair!
Mother: Sweetie, please be quiet.
Little girl: Touch ma hair! Touch ma hair!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: HMS
Another Graduate of the Ike Turner Correspondence Course in Salesmanship
Tour guide trying to attract tourists: Hello! Great bus ride for tourists, only $30!
Girl: I'm not a tourist, I'm a student at Fordham.
Tour guide: Fordham's in England, you dumb bitch.
--Times Square
Let Me Guess-- Home Ec. Major?
Roommate #1: Did you switch your language this semester?
Roommate #2: Yeah, to Arabic.
Roommate #3: Is that a country?
--Manhattan College
Overheard by: K-Money
But I Desperately Need a New Facebook Photo!
Mom: Give me my phone.
Son: Photo?
Mom: No, you cannot take a picture.
Son (sticking phone in the butt of his pants): Please.
Mom: No, it's too loud. At home...
--NJ Transit
All Overs a Cities
(girl is shrieking)
Guy: What? There are mouses all over the city.
Girl: It's mice.
Guy: Right, that's what I said. Mices.
--37th & Lexington, Murray Hill
Overheard by: Morgan
But I'd Settle for an Hispanic Man with a Job
Thug #1: You know what I need?
Thug #2: What?
Thug #1: A white woman, with good credit.
--Columbia University
Overheard by:
Wow, You Sound Like My Abortion Counselor
Yelling man: Excuse me, attention please, girls only! Two years ago we were blessed by an earth angel, and that earth angel is me, in this body! If you want to come with me, girls, to heaven, I can give you some pamphlets, information...but there is a catch! Only girls under the age of 29 may come with the earth angel! Girls above the age of 29 are destined to the infernal afterlife!
Queer Latino to lady friend: Guess you're gonna burn.
--4 Train
Overheard by: nooners
They Do This at Least Once a Week
Hobo: I need change. I need me some change. Gonna get a steak sandwich.
Angry woman: Fuck that. Fuck you! I'm a social worker and I know you're nothing but a worthless son of a bitch! I know you gonna buy you some crack!
Hobo: Somebody better fire that bitch!
--Brooklyn
Amy Discovers the Law Of Karma
(seven-year-old girl gives 10 books and a few DVDs to library clerk)
Girl: Can I please have a bag?
Clerk: Sure, miss.
(clerk hands girl the bag, girl grabs it)
Girl: God! What did you put in here, a hippopotamus?
--Brooklyn Central Library
Overheard by: Jessie
Can I See It for a Nickel?
Sketchy guy: How does it feel to be the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Drunk chick: I have a dickel.
--Landsdowne, 43rd & 10th
There Is No Taco Bell at Penn Station, Douche.
Guy to friend (as a security guard makes people stand up): See? You really can't sit on the steps of The Met anymore.
Friend: Is it because of the tourists? God, I hate the tourists. I saw tourists taking pictures of a Taco Bell at Penn Station today. Those fuckers.
--Steps of The Met
Overheard by: April
Plus, That's Not the National Bird of Guam
Lady #1: This crossword puzzle is hard. Look at this one.
Lady #2: Mmmhmm. Well, you misspelled "dumb" right there.
Lady #1: Oh my god!
--LaGuardia Airport
And All This Time I Thought It Was a Compatibility Issue
Semi-irate customer: You mean all you did was swap out the USB cable?
Apple store guy: I guess the old girl just likes some new cable once in a while.
--Apple Store, West 14th
Headline by: g
Runners-Up:
· "...and If Your Feeling Adventurous, Try the Firewire Port." - You might need some plugins first though...
· "And Occasionally a Bigger Hard Drive" - Chris
· "How Steve Jobs Talks Raunchy" - Julia
· "Now Take Her Home, Boot Her Up and Give a Little Wine and TLC Before You Go Trying to Violate All Her Ports Again." - Gabbertoons
· "Too Many and She'll Get a Virus" - Henk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Luckily the Hoods Are Incredibly Slimming
Girl #1: Do you think this Beatles shirt makes me look fat?
Girl #2: No, but regardless you're still related to the founder of the KKK.
--73rd & Broadway
The Most Original Thing a Former SNLer Has Done in Years
Employee: Bathrooms are to the left!
Tracy Morgan: Right there?
Employee: Yes, to the left.
Tracy Morgan: Can I go poop in there?
Employee: (laughs) Yes.
Tracy Morgan: I'm gonna poop in there...I gotta go poop!
--AMC Empire Movie Theatre
And There Was the Religious Difference
Woman walking with friends: I was so happy when my dog died! (friends gasp) Well, you know, I was finally free of that commitment.
--6th Ave b/w 25th & 26th
Overheard by: Lacy Garrison
Even in Grade School, We Hear the Stories
Little boy looking out window: I want to take the NYU shuttle when I go to college!
Mother: You can, if you go to NYU.
Little boy: Ohh. Nevermind.
--M103 Downtown
What? I Had Orange Soda with It.
Woman #1: What we gonna eat for dinner?
Woman #2: How 'bout Popeyes Chicken?
Woman #1: Nah, I had that fo' breakfast.
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: OkieExpat
"Ick" Is Metrosexual in Origin
woman #1: I think he's gay. He uses the word "eeek" a lot.
Woman #2: "I-c-k"?
Woman #1: No, "e-e-e-c-k".
Woman #2: Isn't it "c-h"?
Woman #1: "C-h," "c-k," who cares! But that's gay, right?
Woman #2: Totally.
--Dylan Prime Restaurant, Tribeca
One of the Many Perks Of Dating a Kennedy
Teen chick: Move!
Teen guy: Move? Yeah, fuck grammar, we're in a hurry!
Teen chick: Y'know, if you weren't such a cunt you coulda had me!
Teen guy: I'll just fuck you while you're sleeping then.
Teen chick: Oh my god, that would be so hot!
--NYU
Overheard by: Guy With A Nonder
There Are So Few of Us in the City
Girl on cell: I am trashed... Well, actually, I'm drunk.
Passer-by: Hey, me too!
--6th St & Avenue B
Mostly CNN
Seven-year-old boy: You know Britney's on crack, she's on crack. And your girl Lindsay is so going to jail for selling cocaine. That Britney is crazy.
Aunt: That boy watches too much TV.
--LIRR
Overheard by: I think lindsay is going to jail too
Is "No Blood for Oil" a New Emo Band?
Tourist #1, pointing to an anti-war protest in Times Square: What's that?
Tourist #2: I think it's TRL.
--43rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Mike Fish
That's How I Get My Kix
(six-year-old boy tries to cross street against traffic)
Father, grabbing boy's hand: Whoa, little man! That's dangerous!
Six-year-old boy: Daddy, I eat danger for breakfast.
--Ocean & Newkirk, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Well I eat razors and nails.
At Least Until Brad Pitt Takes Over?
European man: Aww, what a beautiful baby. So nice...
Thai woman (in Thai): Do you want to be the daddy?
--N Train
Overheard by: NYC24
Does Checking Make You More or Less of a Loser?
High school-age Jersey girl: So I went on my ex-boyfriend's Facebook, since his birthday was last week. Only like 30 people wrote on his wall to wish him happy birthday.
Friend: Oh my god. What a loser!
--NJ Transit Terminal, Penn Station
Overheard by: Ashley
Seems to Be Coming Into Heat
Teen girl #1: My French teacher is Ms. Smith*. I was like, "Please no!" I hate her so much, and she really sucks at teaching.
Teen girl #2: Oh yeah, I know. Plus, she looks like a monkey's vagina.
Teen girl #1: Have you ever even seen a monkey's vagina?
Teen girl #2: Yeah... I've seen her face.
--Promenade, Brooklyn Heights
Ad: Still the Healthiest Thing You Can Buy at McDonald's
(man is eating, drug dealer sits at his table)
Dealer: An eight ball, right?
(man's cell rings, he answers)
Man (into cell): I'm... at the gym. (pause) Yeah, and this call has made me one of those annoying people on the phone at the treadmills. I'll call you later. (to dealer) Yeah, an eight ball.
--McDonald's, The Village
Overheard by: soccerboy
Read the Previous Week's Quotes!
