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Rat: I'll Be With You Forever, Too
Guy #1: Wow, did you see that rat? Where did it come from?
Guy #2: It came out of nowhere, just like my herpes.
--Prince Street & 6th Ave
And Our Family Business Is Prostitution
Girl #1: She's a stupid skanky whore!
Girl #2: Yeah, but she's family.
--Union Square
Fine, I'll Be Charlie Parker. But Just This Once
Four-year-old girl: I'm dizzy!
Two-year-old girl: I'm dizzy!
Four-year-old girl: No, I'm dizzy!
Two-year-old girl: I'm dizzy!
Four-year-old girl: Well, I'm dizzy too!
--90th & Columbus
Overheard by: Now I'M dizzy too
Today I Swallowed Some of My Own Spit, So I'm Good
Anorexic #1: I didn't not eat for three days, I just didn't really...
Anorexic #2: Eat?
Anorexic #1: Yeah.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: the expeditor
And That Time It Led to an Accident!
Lady in car at full parking lot to man in car: Damnit, where we gonna park?
Man, getting his keys: Don't worry, I'm going to pull out.
Lady in car: Yeah, I've heard that before.
--W Broadway &Canal
Overheard by: Katers
Kicking Your Ass?
Indignant woman in crowded elevator: You're standing on my foot!
Man: What are feet for?
--168th St Subway Elevator
Overheard by: AWAvatar
And I Do It Out Of Love
Baby thug: Why do you yell at me so loud when you're angry?
Mama thug: I never yell at you when I'm angry.
Baby thug: But, mama, you always yell at me so loud when you're angry.
Mama thug: Yeah, I do. It's because I'm so angry.
--Sunset park, Brooklyn
Then Go With My Blessing, Caped Crusader
Mother of four-year-old boy (looking at display case): Wait up for me, Jack. Don't go on the escalator without me.
Four-year-old boy: It's okay, I can do it.
Mother of four-year-old: No, Jack. Wait for me.
Four-year-old boy: It's okay, mom. I can go up by myself.
Mother of four-year-old: Jack. Don't go up without me.
Four-year-old boy: Mom. It's okay. I can do it. I'm wearing my lucky Batman underwear.
--Macy's
Tonight's Lifetime Movie: Dakota-- Portrait of a Serial Killer
Nine-year-old girl: Mom, that kitten is so cute! Can we get a kitten?
Mother: Honey, I know it's cute, but we have to take care of the two cats we already have.
Nine-year-old girl: No, I know. I mean when they die.
--Veterinarian Waiting Room, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Ben A
Dear Amy-- Please Say 'Yes' -- The Editorial Staff
Older thug to hot teen walking by: I started commitin' sins when you was still playin' with barbies.
Hot teen: (gives him the finger)
Older thug (singing): "They tried to make me go to rehab and I said no no no..."
--Broadway & Madison
Overheard by: Anne
Plus, It Would Be a Good Way to Keep Her Weight Down
Boyfriend: I've got it. A giant human hamster ball.
Girlfriend: You are not putting our daughter in a hamster ball to keep her away from weird men.
Boyfriend: But you have to admit it's better than the idea of a leash or the electric fence.
--81st & York
Although the Shackles Made Him Stoop a Bit
Rich lady #1: There was this very tall man who used to bring us bagels on Sundays... He was very, very tall.
Rich lady #2: So, he was black?
Rich lady #1 (annoyed): Yes, he was very, very tall.
--84th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Allison
Dandelions?
6th grader #1: Yo! Wanna go to the store and buy that new video game?
6th grader #2: Nah man, I can't. I gotta buy some weed today.
--Henry St & Clinton St
A Genital Everest With a Snow-Capped Peak
Queer #1: Girl, his dick was so big it barely fit through the hole at the video booth.
Queer #2: Really?
Queer #1: Yeah, he must have passed out every time he got an erection.
--Sapa Restaurant, Chelsea
Overheard by: M. Tina
Just the Snake of Consumerism Swallowing Its Own Tail
Guy #1: Wow, The Hipster Handbook finally made it to the stoop sale.
Guy #2: I think we're witnessing the death of irony.
--Stoop Sale in Brooklyn
Or He's One Of Those Antebellum Southern Reptiles
Three-year-old girl, pointing to a page in Eric Carle's The Mixed-Up Chameleon: Why does he have an umbrella?
Dad: Some people have to wear umbrellas all the time, otherwise they'll get lots of freckles or end up with squamous cell carcinoma and die.
--B Train
Overheard by: sometimesdee
Swedish Fishiness
Guy behind line of girls into the women's bathroom: Whoa!
Girl: Hey! You can't come in here!
Guy: It's okay, I'm Swedish--I'm practically gay.
--Madison Square Garden
The Post Calls Their Performance Art "Edgy and Exhilarating"
Drunk guy: Did I puke on you?
Drunk girl (holding half-full pitcher and cup): You might have puked on me, but I peed and spilled beer on myself to rinse it off.
--N Train
Overheard by: Abbey C
According to the Psychic Friends Network
Girl to random person next to her: I'm one of those shiny people.
--C Train
And Would It Rumple My Spiderman Sheets?
Girl: If you were sleeping and your girlfriend woke you up in the middle of the night because she wants to...you know. Would you be upset?
Guy: Is it a school night?
--East Village
Almost As Good As When the Gay Guys Do It
Overexcited white male: She just pulls my bathing suit down and starts...and then she lifts up my legs and starts licking my asshole!
Fascinated white male (laughing): Whaaaat?! ...so, what did it feel like?
Overexcited white male: Dude, I'm not gonna' lie, it felt kind of good. Like a tickling, tingling sensation.
--C Train
Overheard by: tom o
You Really Don't Want a Random Sample of Who's Available
Guy on cell: I'm 35. What? That's too old for you? Age ain't nothing but a number, baby. And, I work sometimes too. And I don't smoke. Well, I smoke, but I don't smoke smoke, ya know. And, I've only been in jail once, but that was a long time ago and I've learned. I even read now.
Girl nearby to friend: See, I told you signing up for match.com would be a bad idea. You can never tell who'll answer your ads.
--Atlantic Ave & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Susan
It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
Teen guy #1: And that was the third time I got syphilis!
(they enter store, then leave)
Teen guy #2: So, tell me about the second time.
--Metro North Station
Overheard by: theslyvegan and co
By Any Chance Was Steve Guttenberg at Your Police Academy?
(day after steam pipe break)
Cop without respiratory mask to cop wearing respiratory mask: Hey...take that off. If you're going to catch anything, you already caught it.
Cop with mask (as he takes it off): Yeah, from your mom!
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: cat
But the Peg Leg Is Purely for Style
Drunk man to couple in booth: Hey, hey, are you two siblings or are you dating?
Woman: We're siblings.
Drunk man: Are you sure? Because sometimes when I'm with my sister I tell people we're dating.
Man: Yeah, we're sure.
Drunk man: Okay, well, I'm going to Central City. How long do you think it would take to get there?
Man: Pennsylvania?
Drunk man: Yeah.
Man: By train or walking?
Drunk man: I'm gonna walk, motherfucker!
Man: At least a couple of hours. I think you're going to need a few more drinks.
Drunk man: Yeah man! (to woman) You look like you could be in Pirates.
Woman: Yeah, I get that a lot.
--Tick Tock Diner, 34th St
Dude, He's Scottish-- You're Lucky You Weren't Kilt
Dude #1: You know, Gerard Butler has it good. He's good-looking, but not too good-looking, he's not that ripped...
Dude #2: What the hell not ripped? Gerard Butler is stacked!
Dude #1: He's totally not. He may have been for 300, but I asked him to lift up his shirt, and he's not.
--Elevator, The Met
...Without Sashimi
Woman: Honey, how about McDonald's? You want some chicken nuggets?
Toddler in a stroller: I'd rather die.
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Darcie
Because You Basically Have to Draw a Map to It
Hipster girl: And then he didn't wanna have sex anymore, and I got all moody.
Gay guy: I'd be moody too if I had a clitoris.
--50th & 6th Avenue
Ooo, Can I Get This Tankini?
Father to bored seven-year-old son: I have the Post and the Daily News, which one do you want?
Son: (takes newspaper skeptically)
Father: Go to page six.
Son: Why?
Father: That's where the girls in bikinis are.
--Penn Station
Sometimes One Is Unable to Rise to the Occasion
(little girl starts reading aloud the ads on train)
Girl: Dad! Dad! How do you say that word?
(dad looks over at the ad and tries to ignores her)
Girl: Im-po-tent! Impotent! Dad! What does "impotent" mean?
--1 Train
Overheard by: Gee
Which We Refer to As "It"
Hot Asian girl: Oh... So I saw "him" standing near the main stage.
Hot Asian girl's friend: Saw "him" as in "him"?
Hot Asian girl: No, saw best friend of "him"... We also refer to him as "him."
Hot Asian girl's friend: Didn't you see best friend of "him" last night?
Hot Asian girl: No, actually saw "him" last night...and his wiener. (big smile)
--All Points West Festival
Overheard by: Caleb
But It Was Lovely Inhaling the Fragrance Of Your Youth
Twenty-something holding clipboard: Sir, sir! Can I have a minute of your time?
Older man (stopping and patting twenty-something's hand): Well, dear...no.
--Bryant Park
How the Hennecino Was Born
Starbucks barista (giving out some samples): Hey, would you like to sample our frappuccino?
Man with a bottle in a brown paper bag: Pssh. Nah. That shit don't go good with Hennessy.
Starbucks barista: Oh, okay. Have a good day.
Man with a bottle in a brown paper bag: Wait, sorry. That was fucked up. Do you wanna sample my Hennessy?
--Delancy & Allen, Lower East Side
Overheard by: Genia
Then I Hope Your Knees Bend
Barefoot girl #1: What's wrong with your feet? Why are you bending them like that?
Barefoot girl #2: I'm not. I just have very high arches.
Barefoot girl #1: No, that's freaky. You look like you're wearing high heels! You have Barbie feet!
Barefoot girl #2: Well, obviously then I am the ideal of feminine beauty. I also don't have a vagina.
--Central Park
Headline by: g
Runners-Up:
· "But My Boyfriend Says He Can Work Around That." - space coyote
· "If You Were the Ideal Of Feminine Beauty, You Wouldn't Have a Mouth." - LPS
· "It's Okay. Ken's Only Got a Bump." - 1310 (formerly SNA)
· "Or a Soul." - fresca
· "Perfect for Men Who Have Lumps Instead Of Penises" - ktg
· "Pre-Op Trannies Are So Hung Up on Their Looks." - Ice Cream Scoopy Doo!
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Take a Right at Hither. If You Reach Yon, You've Gone Too Far.
Mom: They had a big mansion over yonder.
Girl: In Yonkers?
Mom: No, over yonder.
Girl: Where's yonder?
--Hanson Place & Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn
Overheard by: harley spiller
But I'll Take You As Far As Newark, If It's Okay with My Mom
Girl #1: So, are you going to run away to Europe with me or not?
Girl #2: Depends on when you go.
Girl #1: I said I am running away. As in, never to return. Why the fuck does it matter when we leave?
Girl #2: Okay, I just need to get my passport. Do you think I have to have my parents sign for it?
Girl #1: Never mind, I am running away alone.
Girl #2: Good, I kind of have a life here.
--57th & Broadway
Overheard by: Girl on street
But Strictly Speaking, They're Broasted
Hipster chick: What do you do for fun when you're not busy with work?
Hipster dude: Set children on fire.
Hipster chick: They still do that in the city? I thought that died down years ago.
Hipster dude: You have to look hard for a good place, but I know one where you can roast small Aryan children for like $2.50 a pop!
Hipster chick: What a deal!
Hipster dude: I know.
Hipster chick: Man, you know where to get all of the good stuff.
--4th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Oz
Wednesday One-Liners Find Their Niche
Ten-year-old wannabe thug: I'ma put this can of pepper spray up your ass! You want me to put this up your ass?!
--Old Navy, Harlem
Worried bearded 50-something: Yeah, but how are we going to film an anal birth!?
--F Train
Street vendor selling his wares: I will shove your foot up the devil's ass!
--St Mark's Place
Yankee stadium employee yelling to another: Hey, wouldja bend over for a minute? I'll be right back!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: torrie
Gay teen: His hole was as big as a traffic cone!
--1st & 14th
Sinfully ugly girl: I have to stop putting things in my ass.
--forever 21 (queens center mall)
Overheard by: defragment my harddrive
There's So Much That We Share That It's Time We're Aware, It's a Small Wednesday One-Liner After All
Drunk guy to foreign friend: So basically everyone in the US is either Irish, Italian, or German...but there are a lot of Puerto Ricans in my neighborhood.
--L Train
Overheard by: bildita
Rockabilly-styled hipster on cell: Just take your cheap Jewish ass back to Korea Town!
--St. Mark's Place
Tourist: There are so many Chinese in this city and they all speak fucking Spanish! It blows my mind!
--125th & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Girl on cell: So I may be a Siamese twin...
--57th & 10th
Overheard by: evil em
Woman exiting a Subway restaurant: I feel like I just ate a Mexican immigrant.
--56th & 10th Ave
Overheard by: A Mexican
Let's Get Ready to Wednesday One-Liiiiiiiiiiner!
Chick on cell: It attacked me this morning. I attacked it this afternoon.
--113th St
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Six-year-old boy on train platform to grown man eyeing him: Stop looking at me or I'm going to beat you up!
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Turning away now.
Hipster on cell: Wait...so he hit you with the broom first, right?
--60th & Lex
Overheard by: Easy Does It
Shopper on her cell: If one of these little kids steps on my toes one more time I'm gonna pinch the motherfuckers.
--Ikea in Red Hook
Woman in bathroom: No, there's no toilet paper. You wanna throw down?
--Port Authority
Where in the Wednesday One-Liners Is Carmen Sandiego?
Guy on cell: I'm at the corner of West 4th Street and West 12th Street. Which sounds completely ridiculous, I know.
--Outside Cubbyhole
Girl on cell with boyfriend: Yeah, we got lost... We're somewhere in Yonkers.
--Bleecker & W 10th St
Loud tourist on cell: I'm in Rockefeller Plaza. Just look for a guy with a Starbucks cup.
--Rockefeller Plaza
Overheard by: linda
Blonde on cell: Yeah, I'm in the 'hood.
--SoHo
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman on cell, directing friend to find her: Do you see a really tall man holding an umbrella up high? I'm near a really tall man holding an umbrella. ...he's very attractive.
--Concert on The Great Lawn
Overheard by: sternie
Suit on cell: Unfortunately I'm in the Financial District right now... Man, I wanna come up there and make love to both of you.
--Financial District
Wednesday One-Liners in a Garden State of Mind
Cute queer to hot Asian friend: I would rather have you drive drunk and stay at a friend's place in Manhattan then take a cab back to Jersey.
--Manhattan
Professor: For Muslims, the afterlife is more real to them than it is to me or you. For them, dying is like...going to New Jersey. Beautiful New Jersey.
--Stern Building, NYU
Overheard by: Emily
Trashy girl (knocking on door of a convenience store that just closed): Yo, let me in! I just want to buy a Heineken before I go back to New Jersey!
--W 108th & Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: MR
Construction worker to people exiting PATH station: You're from Jersey! You should be happy!
--Vesey St & Church St
20-something on cell: I'm at Penn station and there are so many guidos and guidettes on their way back to Jersey. Watching them is like watching babies stuck in a McDonald's ball pit.
--Penn Station
NJ Transit worker: You'd be surprised how many honest people there are in New Jersey.
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Jersey Girl
Conductor: This is a Jersey bound Q train. Oh shiiiiit.
--Brooklyn Bound Q Train
Overheard by: office peon
The Final Solution to Wednesday One-Liners
Waiter delivering German chocolate cake (deadpan): Sieg heil!
--Junior's, Shubert Alley
Overheard by: Anne Frank
80-something Jewish grandmother to shocked-looking teenage granddaughter: And your grandfather came here from Germany when the Nazis came to power. And I met him at a party and we got married and had your mother. So in other words, young lady, you owe your life to Adolf Hitler.
--The Jewish Museum
Female passer-by: She thought "Adolf Hitler" was a book by Mein Kampf!
--110 & Broadway
Overheard by: Matthew Krenz
Guy to coworker: You just missed some guy comparing our guest sign-in policy to Hitler's final solution.
--Coles Gym, NYU
Guy on cell: I'm not saying that others are Nazi supporters, I'm just saying Hillary Clinton does not support Nazis. Or their supporters.
--Virgin Megastore, Times Square
Overheard by: about to support one
Waiter-- There's a Wednesday One-Liner in My Food.
Girl on cell: Wait, so you're telling me this guy has a Mohawk and he doesn't drink?
--Lower East Side
Girl to boyfriend, excitedly: I haven't washed my hair in weeks!
--Waverly & Broadway
Overheard by: MC
Girl to finance boyfriend: No, really, it's okay that you like to gel your hair.
--Outside Tavern on the Green
South Carolina girl: In South Carolina we would call your haircut a mullet, but since you have gel in it, it's called "Long Island hair."
--Hell's Kitchen
Hipster girl on cell: You know your hair is too long when it gets caught in your armpits.
--Central Park
Angry man on cell: That mole! With the hair growing out of it!
--62nd b/w Lexington & 3rd
Overheard by: Laïla
Older woman (after cast runs off naked): I was looking, and I was glad to see that all of the women had hair down there.
--Delacorte Theater, Hair Intermission
Overheard by: Musicn3rd
Catch-of-the-Day Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on bench to friend: What did you do? You can't just eat a fish!
--Central Park North
Chick on cell: Were we attacking each other with goldfish last night?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman to friend: And on top of that, I hear she smokes like a fish!
--Columbus & 67th
Overheard by: abcnews
Girl on cell: I don't have snakeskin shoes, but I have these fish shoes I really love. Yeah, they're made out of fish scales. They're awesome.
--Penn Station
Middle-aged African American woman: I went to eat in the Bronx and she gave me naked fish.
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: the guy behind the guy
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer "Pleasantly Plump"
Guy on phone: That's not the problem, straight guys who are fatter than me get laid all the time.
--Time Warner Center
Man on cell: Of course I'll recognize you! Unless you got fat!
--Sheep's Meadow, Central Park
Gay black man: Uh uh. Girl, her fat ass will so not make it. You better not bring her here.
--Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: fellow fatass
Excited young teen on cell: Dad! Guess what celebrity we just met?! The Weight Watchers lady! No, the old one! Yeah, Kirstie Alley! We got her autograph! She's real fat now! We met her in the chocolate store!
--W Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: JR
Fat chick: Do not tell me I'm not a size 4!
--Central Park West
Overheard by: Rich H
Wednesday One-Liners Too Ashamed to Wear Last Year's Blahniks
Lady looking at another woman's Roman sandals: I don't like those Jesus-lookin' sandals!
--The Village
Girl: Do flats make your butt look big?
--9th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Matt Morgan
Guy with faux-hawk: You know in Pee-wee's Big Adventure, after he loses his bike and everyone around him is riding bicycles? I feel that way with high-tops right now.
--14th & 1st
Overheard by: Heather
(trendy, skinny, Upper West Side woman on sidewalk is staring down at her feet and looking concerned)
Preppy 30-something boyfriend: I think your toes look better in those sandals.
--86th & Broadway
Overheard by: Sushene
Girl: My uncle is gay, like, flying-out-of-his-loafers gay.
--W 67th & Broadway
Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com
Female cop to two male cops: So he's standing there, really well dressed, nice shoes, and all of a sudden he pulls out this big, big (voice drops) boner, and says "Give me the shoes!"
--Continental Ave Station, Forest Hills
Wednesday One-Liners Believe You Have Their Red Swingline Stapler
Black suit on cell : What'cha mean you can't get a job? Tupac's been dead for years and the nigga's still putting out albums!
--Center St & Pearl St
Overheard by: Big Larry
Friendly suit to friend: It's not about getting the work done! It's about...well, I don't know what it's about.
--Vessey & Broadway
Overheard by: mondo man
Suit in next office: Okay, I have officially hated today! (phone rings) No! Fuck you!
--Office Building, W 46th St
Overheard by: TheGreenCat
Guy on cell: So, did you find me a job yet? (pause) Well, I want something that isn't challenging, pays well, and doesn't care when I show up.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Cori
Guy on cell (about to start bank teller shift): Come on and hurry up. I'm trying to get drunk before I start my second job.
--Chase Bank, Times Square
Young woman yelling into cell after being refused entrance: Goddamn, whose dick I got to suck to get my career started? Tell me where they at!
--Lobby, Herald Square Towers
Please Pick Up After Your Wednesday One-Liners
Crazy guy with black Labrador (angrily): Why didn't you say anything? I thought you were my friend.
--3rd & Sullivan
Overheard by: Sizzle
Middle aged Rastafari to Labrador: This isn't a chew toy, motherfucker!
--Central Park West
Overheard by: Sarah
Man to small puppy: You're so round and furry, aren't you Oscar? You're like a Mexican!
--Fordham Road
Old lady with tiny dog: Sparky, I really don't want to be in here.
--PETCO, Union Square
Overheard by: Ave
Woman to dog: Oh, rolling onto your back again, are you? Just like the slutty girl at prom...
--Extra Virgin Restaurant, The Village
Overheard by: wink
(crazy hobo walks up to little girl's dog and picks it up)
Crazy homeless man (shouting in the dog's face): I would name you snowball, but you're brown!
--Tompkins Square Park
Like Shock Therapy, Except With Vomiting
Guy with friend (hurriedly): Are you guys shutting down anytime soon?
Free haggis cart guy: No, no, we'll still be here.
Guy with friend: Good, 'cause we got a buddy comin' over from work.
Free haggis cart guy (with some enthusiasm): Is your friend Scottish or something?
Guy with friend: No, he's depressed. But we figured some haggis would cheer him up.
Free haggis cart guy: Oh.
--51st & Broadway
Overheard by: fat bastard
It's Not Really an "Office" So Much As a "Hobo in an Alley"
Hippie to doorman: I know this is a weird question, but is there an office in this building called "Planet Hemp"?
Doorman: Nah man, sorry. (under his breath, as hippie turns and walks away) I fucking wish there was.
--23rd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Wanna get High?
And Why Does the Janitor Care, Anyway?
Sorority girl #1: He called me a dirty slut.
Sorority girl #2: You're not a dirty slut...you used a condom!
--Hana Market, Williamsburg
I Don't Argue With People Carrying Guns
Cop holding machine gun: Where you from?
Tourist: England.
Cop (in terrible British accent): Smashing! Brilliant!
Tourist: Um... Yeah.
--City Hall
Despite Their Mutual Love Of Cardigans
20-something girl: So was he like that in real life?
20-something guy: Yeah. Everyone loved Mr Rogers. No one was like, "He's really a bitch," like with Rachael Ray.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Quilty
Who's My Little Two-Legged Birth Control?
(toddler in stroller gleefully tosses mangoes from display on floor)
Older brother: No! Stop it! (picks up mangoes as toddler keeps pushing them off display) Stop! We're not buying those!
(mom looks the other way)
Cashier: Ma'am, your child is dropping the mangoes.
Mom: I know.
Cashier: But..
Mom: I know, my son's rude.
Cashier: But the other customers...
Mom: He does this all the time, you should come to my house and
see what he does.
--Gourmet Garage, 96th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Mark
California's Almost Far Enough
Hippie woman: Ma'am, what did you just feed my dog?
Elderly woman: A treat.
Hippie woman: What was it? Was it meat?
Elderly woman: Well, not really, it was a sausage.
Hippie woman: What is wrong with you?! My dog is a vegetarian! What if he had a food allergy?!
Elderly woman: Right. Go away.
--Thompson Square Park Dog Run
Overheard by: Klayton
Meet the SoHo Hos
Hipster girl #1: I'm so hungover, I just want to be hanging out on a roof somewhere drinking a vodka soda.
Hipster girl #2: I don't want a roof, I don't even wanna drink. I want to be laying under the covers with an ice pack on my vagina, sobbing.
--SoHo
That's Not All We Were Hitting, Sweet Pea.
Mother: I ran into cousin Seth here the other day.
Two-year-old son: You mean, you hit heads? (taps forehead)
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: EthanK
What Happens in Vegas Is Supposed to Stay in Vegas
Old lady #1: Yes, but you have to admit, you did get a little crazy there.
Old lady #2: Hm, maybe.
Old lady #1: You have to admit, we are both just a little bit crazy.
Old lady #2: I don't want to talk about this anymore.
--W 10th St
Overheard by: Maybe we all are
Almost No One Pickles Children These Days
Mom: Honey, what's the matter?
Girl: Am I going to turn green for being a bad girl too?
Mom: Honey, I was just kidding about that!
--Gershwin Theater
Overheard by: Rogue
Interestingly, Not All Were Bad Motherfuckers
Guido father to daughter and her gay friend: He was a real cocksucker... (realizes gay friend might be offended) But you know...not in the, uh, bad way.
Gay friend: Oh, believe me, I've met plenty of bad cocksuckers.
--LIRR
Overheard by: bill
Who Says College Doesn't Prepare You for the Real World?
Frat boy: If you press your thumb hard in the middle of your forehead it stops your gag reflex for a minute.
Girl: Uhhh how do you know that?
Frat boy: I learned it at my frat, you can swallow a whole banana!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: JC
Oh Wait-- This Map Is Upside Down
Preppy girl #1: No, like...uptown is the new downtown.
Preppy girl #2: No, I know. It so is.
--Bowery & Thompson
You Know That's Not Technically What Happens When You Go to Australia, Right?
Drunk girl #1: So how are you feeling?
Drunk girl #2: A little disoriented...I've been upside down for awhile.
--Bathroom, John St. Bar
Overheard by: Jillian
I'm All Out of Friends
Suit #1: Yeah, back in high school I picked on the wimps in gym. It's how I made friends, y'know?
Suit #2: Yeah, totally. That's how I made friends too.
Suit #1: I wonder whatever happened to those guys.
--6th Ave
She Who Dealt It, Felt It
Girl looking at abstract wall installation: Oh god. This is pure art. It really speaks to me.
Boy: What does it say?
Girl: (makes loud farting sound and walks away)
--Art Exhibit, Time Warner Building
TiVo: Oh Fuck, Not This Again
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because of an injured passenger.
Heavy-set African American lady: Is you serious? I'm a miss Flavor of Love!
(few minutes later)
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because of an injured customer on the tracks.
Heavy-set African American lady: They better pick him up and get him off them tracks or I'm a miss Flavor of Love!
(few minutes later)
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train has collided with a customer on the tracks. We are waiting for the police to investigate. Please be patient.
Heavy-set African American lady: Good thing I got that TiVo...
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Noel Coward
You Speak English Beautifully
Woman: I'm from Utah.
Fruit vendor: Utah!? I've never even heard of anybody from Utah!
--Union Square Farmers Market
Overheard by: I've *heard* of them, but I don't believe in them
New Yorkers Love a Game of "So You Think You Have Problems?"
Screaming child: Mommy, I want to go home!
Disgruntled employee: You think you have problems?! Try graduating from art college in the middle of a recession! Then you can cry!
--H&M Store
Must Be One of Those Internet Colleges
Girl #1: Look at that old bitch in a schoolgirl outfit.
Girl #2: Shhhiiitt, what!? She think she going to school?!
Girl #1: Yah! Slut school!
--L Train Platform
Overheard by: Maria
Chis Hansen Appreciates What Keeps Him Employed
Guy #1: There are grown men who get with, like, 12-year-old girls. It's sick.
Guy #2: It's not sick, it's awesome!
--39th & 7th
Headline by: Chris
Runners-Up:
· "Another Undercover Cop Passes the R Kelly 'New Friend' Test" - Bassmanbish
· "Fetal Attraction" - Jonathan
· "Henry Regrets Naming His Daughter Lolita" - Vasyl
· "In Prison, Greg Still Couldn't Understand How the Sting Operation Worked." - not impressed
· "Those Girls Are Considered 16 in China..." - David M
· "Welcome to Thailand" - the Sex tour operator
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And You Thought 14th Street Was a Controversial Divider
JAP #1: Ohmigod, it's so good to see you...I didn't know you lived on up here.
JAP #2: I don't. I live downtown.
JAP #1: Oh really? Where?
JAP #2: 52nd street.
--Starbucks
He Learned English from Fifty Cent's Audio Series
Overly tanned gentleman with crisp white shirt: Yo, my brotha, you gotta bib?
Waiter: Uhhh...
--Cafe, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Amanda
I Was a Kid in the '80's, Sweetheart
(two gay men are adjusting a backpack)
Gay guy #1: Oww, are you sure you know what you're doing?
Gay guy #2: Don't question me! I know how to use Velcro.
--51st Street Station
Did You Even Read the Informational Pamphlets I Put on Your Pillows?
Pampered Tribeca child #1: Daddy! Please!
Pampered Tribeca child #2: Daddy! Please can we have Mediterranean eggplant for dinner??
Nebbishy Tribeca dad: You know I can't eat that! It's a carb!
--7th Ave
Overheard by: Briguy
Should You Really Use the Nuclear Option in a No-Cutsies Situation?
Old lady in line at the bank #1: Excuse me, I'm not cutting you, I just need to speak with the teller.
Old lady in line at the bank #2: Well, excuse me, but you are cutting me.
Old lady in line at the bank #1: No, I'm not. The teller told me to come back when I was finished with this form. I'm just doing what I was told to.
Old lady in line at the bank #2: You're just doing what you were told to? That's what the Nazis said!
--87th & Madison
Overheard by: Carmela Machiato
The Six Train's Your Escape Pod to Smallville
Four-year-old: I wanna be Superman!
Dad: No, you wanna be a police officer.
Four-year-old: I wanna be Superman!
Dad: Superman's not real.
Four-year-old: They say I can be whateva I want, I wanna be Superman!
Dad: Oh, I'm sorry lil' man. You Superman.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Chris K
Just a Little Something for You to Think About While I Go in This Corner and Puke
Large drunk black guy to black girl sitting down: Girl, you're so pretty, why are you frowning?
Black girl sitting down: Do me a favor, get up out my face.
(two large Hispanic men get up to protect her)
Large drunk black guy: Okay, I'm done...but I love you.
--2 Train
Overheard by: jj is sober at 10am
No Further Questions; Your Witness
Chick about cute guy standing: So, his penis... Big, small, doody ball?
Queer: Umm... It's good...slightly larger than doody ball.
Chick: Oh...good.
--Q Train
Overheard by: ShayaKNYC
...Against Your Chemically-Induced Emotions
20-something Long Island girl: Oh god! This breakup has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I honestly don't even care that he dumped me.
Friend: Yeah, totally.
20-something Long Island girl: Seriously, he needs to realize if it wasn't for that sweater he was wearing, and the fact that I was on ecstasy that night, we would have never dated for this long.
Friend: Yeah! It was J.Crew... And they were double stacked...you were powerless.
--Lokal Bar, Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Aaron
Girls Just Can't Resist Forbidden Fruit
Boy: I'm gay.
Girl: (laughs)
Boy: But what if I was really?
Girl: Then I'd cop a feel.
--All Points West Festival
Overheard by: then I'm gay too
So, Wanna Fuck?
Good looking suit to lunch date: How about this--let's say that you and I are equally attractive. Now let's say that on any given day we each see 1,000 people of the opposite sex (a lot more, obviously, but that's a good number). You, as a woman, could sleep with approximately 850 of them--that 1,000 is discounted by the 100 who are gay (10%, as they say), and the 50 who are faithful to their wives/girlfriends. Now for me--I see 1,000 women, but 850 is way too high a number for me--maybe, if I'm lucky, I could find a few skanks in the group willing to bang a guy they don't know. Aside from that, I'm looking at 2-3 dates, dinners, phone calls, all that shit. That's why it's easier for girls.
Date: Wow.
Good looking suit: It's simple math.
Date: You would only allow 50 faithfuls? Sheesh.
Good looking suit: Men are scum.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: wedding rings are for sissies
I Sell Myself Magic Beans Every Morning
Mr. Smith* (lifting student's backpack) That's overloaded. You need to get a boyfriend to carry that for you.
Student: I don't need a boyfriend.
Mr. Smith: Then find some sucker to carry it for you.
Student: I'm my own sucker!
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: The Happy Hippie
Or a Piece of Paper with the Word "Money" on It
Dude: Are you guys going to get, like, totally drunk tonight and make out?
Sister #1: I'd do it for a lot of money.
Sister #2: A lot of money.
Sister #1: I'd do it for a little money.
--Uptown 1 Train
Technically, It's Not a "Club" So Much As P.S. 182
Construction worker #1: We gotta go to this club I heard about. All the girls are on ecstasy.
Construction worker #2: Perfect!
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: las
At Least She Always Has a Place to Keep Her Purse
College guy #1: Wanna see the best dildo ever?
(shows a digital camera screen to his friend)
College guy #2: Awesome, did you sit on it?
College guy #1: No, but Alissa did, her pussy is so wide.
College guy #2: So true.
--F Line
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