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Although One of Them Really Liked The Notebook
Man #1: You have kids?
Man #2: Yeah, four sons. All boys.
--Penn Station
Waitress: Stupid Gringas
Hipster girl #1 to waitress at Japanese restaurant: Hola. Como estas?
Hipster girl #2: Um, I don't think they speak Spanish.
Hipster girl #1: Well, they sure as hell don't speak English either.
--Zen, St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: amf
And, Most Importantly, I'm Watching Grey's Anatomy
Very gay guy #1: What are you doing now?
Very gay guy #2: I'm heading home. My ex-wife is meeting me there to sign the divorce papers. She doesn't even know I'm gay yet.
--Spring & Broadway
Why John Bought a Laser Pointer
(attractive girls are sitting to the right)
Guy #1: Yo, look at 3 o'clock.
Guy #2: Nah, dude what are you taking about... It is 1:30.
Guy #1: I mean the 3 o'clock direction!
Guy #2: Oh!... Wait, the hour hand or the minute hand?
--Baruch College, 25th St
Overheard by: Richard Parker
Serves You Right for Trying to Be Tactful in New York
Woman leaving train to suit with open fly: (inaudible)
Suit (loudly): What is "the barn door is open?" What is that supposed to mean?
--6 Train
It Doesn't Count As "Sex" Til I Get My Period
12-year old girl: Just because we watch porn together doesn't mean we have sex together.
12-year old boy: Stop lying, you whore.
--Mulberry & Canal
Overheard by: Tara G
Why They're Not Allowed to Play Real Baseball Anymore
(during a game of wiffleball)
Guy #1: Dammit, Scott hit the fucking ball!
Guy #2: Shut up, Dave! Why are you so fucking fat?!
Guy #1: I'm fat? Well, why do you still have an incurable shitting disease?
Guy #2: Because it's incurable...dick!
--Tillary St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dan Fuckin' Murphy
Odd, Because Everything About "Italian Underwear Model" Screams "Heterosexual"
Woman getting haircut: So it all began when I was dating an Italian underwear model...
Hairdresser (after a short pause): Yes?
Woman: He was the worst fuck of my life!
--Institu Salon, 19th & Irving
You Brought Your Toothbrush, Right?
Non-puking girl (holding hair of other girl): Are you done yet?
Puking girl: I think so.
Non-puking girl: We should probably get some gum before we go up to those guys' apartment.
--34th & Park Ave
See, He's Got the Cane, But No Cheetah Hat
(elderly gentleman in a brown suit with matching fedora walks by)
Ghetto #14 year-old-girl (screaming): Oh my god! It's a pimp! He's a fucking pimp!
Ghetto #14 year-old boy: Nah, he ain't a pimp. He can't be--he's like 90...and he's white.
--Under Broadway Stop, Astoria
Overheard by: well, it aint easy
And That Turd Looks a Lot More Like St. Ignatius
Little boy: I see Jesus, I see Jesus!!
Mother, pulling on little boys arm: Stop using that word, Billy!
--Ladies Room, Brooklyn Restaurant
And You Can Really Orgasm Just from Sex?
Incredulous man: I've only seen people like you on tv and the movies!
Unfazed woman: Well, I exist.
Incredulous man: Yes!
--Columbus Circle
And I'll Miss You While You're in Kinderjail
Three-year-old boy (crying and screaming): I love yooooou!
Zen daddy: I love you too, sweetie.
--Clinton St, Brooklyn
Which Is Why I Only Make Out with Old People
Girl diner: You can order a tongue sandwich!
Guy diner: I don't eat anything that can taste me back.
--Ben's Kosher Deli
Overheard by: Pastrami Girl
Still Another Difference Between Men and Women
Man: I need a job.
Woman: I need a lot of things. I need a boyfriend, I need more money, I need a tan, and I need to lose 30 pounds
Man: Yeah... I just need a job.
--57th & Madison
And NASA
Hipster girl: Well they said her nose was going to fall off or something, so she actually hired this dude to blow the coke up her ass. Like, that was his job.
Hipster guy: I'm jealous.
Hipster girl: I know. I have a new respect for Fleetwood Mac.
--Baluchi's, East Village
The Little Engine That Could But Didn't
Chick: Excuse me, are the trains running? Because there's one just sitting there...
Station clerk: Nah, they runnin', they runnin'! He just chillin' a little!
--215th Street 1 Station
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Why Jerry Springer Is a Millionaire.
Drunk crazy woman (slurring words): Yeah? Well, fuck you!
Drunk crazy dude: Yeah! Well, you haven't given me a boner in four years!
Random passerby: Oh, damn!
--Bedford Ave & 11th
Overheard by: Aria Grillo
Only Under the Table, Though
Fabulous diner ordering coffee: ...with half and half.
Waiter: We're a dairy free restaurant, but we have organic whole milk.
--Josie's, 74th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Where's a dictionary?
The Way I Open My Heart and You Perform Surgery on It
Unfortunate-looking guy: ...and I met this girl there so I'm pretty excited to go back.
Female friend: Is she blind?
Unfortunate-looking guy: No, she's actually a brunette and she's got freckles.
Female friend: No, I asked you if she was blind.
Unfortunate-looking guy: I missed you so much.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Lauren
Didn't You Watch the Video We Gave You for Christmas?
Father: Hurry up or we'll be late! If we're late mommy is gonna spank you!
Toddler son: (shocked look)
Father: I'm kidding, mommy would never spank you, mommy would spank daddy.
Toddler son: Mommy spanks daddy?
Father (with a devious smile): Mommy spanks daddy all the time!
--Sheep Meadow, Central Park
Might Want to Take Off Those Ankle Weights
Young lady: Fuck you, motherfucker!
Boyfriend: C'mon, baby, she dint mean nuttin' to me.
Young lady: That's it. You ain't gettin' it no more! I wouldn't fuck you with the cat's pussy!
Boyfriend: Alright den, the hell with you! Bye--but dem legs are gonna bring you down!
--Queens Bus Stop
I've Tasted Her Cooking
Girl #1: Is it paranoid to think that my mother is poisoning me?
Girl #2: No, not at all.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Mariya
Least of All My Roommate's Audible Masturbation
Chick: So I e-mailed my building manager to complain about my jerk roommate, and she wrote back that the solution to all my problems is to chant. And she sent me the chant! Listen to this: "Nam yo ho ren ge cho." And if I do this every day, I'll be happier, wiser, and in rhythm.
Dude: There are two possibilities here. Either she's enough of a flake to believe this, or she thinks you're enough of a flake to believe it.
Chick: None of this is good!
--151st & Broadway
Overheard by: Rose Fox
I Think We've Stumbled Upon the Idea for a Sci-Fi Flick
Girl #1: What do you call a person who delivers newspapers?
Girl #2: A "delivery person."
Girl #1: Fine, be the non-conformist.
Girl #2: What would the conformist say?
Girl #1: "Paperboy," and then get confused because what if it's an old woman?
Girl #2: Oh right, so, "paper person." But then it sounds like those paper people chains I used to make as a kid, except mine were always awful and deformed...because you make one little mistake and then they're all fucked up. Suddenly I've got a chain of twenty-one legged freaks and can't sleep at night.
Girl #1: "Twenty one-legged freaks." Not "twenty-one legged freaks."
Girl #2: Though both terrifying.
Girl #1: The heck you talking about?
--Union Square
If You Only Know This Term Because of Full House, Raise Your Hand.
Mother: So remember, when we get off the train, you have to hold my hand.
Five-year-old girl: Capeesh.
Mother: Do you understand? You have to hold my hand.
Five-year-old girl: Capeesh, mom! Capeesh!
--A Train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Unfortunately, I Hollowed It Out to Fit My Flask
Guy #1: The new Harry Potter is coming out this summer; you should read the book with me before the movie is released.
Guy #2: If I wanted to read a book filled with stories of sorcery, I'd read the bible.
Guy #1: (mouth drops open)
--Artapasta, Soho
But Grandpa, You Must Have!
Man #1: Yes you did!
Man #2: I didn't fuck your grandma!
--Central Park Zoo
And I'm Sleeping With Your Dad!
Two high-school girls in a Super Stretch Hummer, screaming out the window with a smart-ass tone: Enjoy the movie!
Bitchy gay man in line to buy a ticket: Yeah, enjoy the fucking environment, bitch!
--Outside Sunshine Theater, E Houston St.
Overheard by: E.J.
Before I Laugh at You, I'm Just Curious.
Indian tourist to train conductor: How do I get to Florida from here?
Train conductor: Which part? Orlando or Miami?
--Shuttle Train, Grand Central
Overheard by: blue rock
Mr. Trump Is Quite Proud Of His Son
Nine-year-old kid: I don't have two dollars. You had two dollars and you refused to give it to me.
Mom: I gave it to the sales guy!
Nine-year-old kid: That's not me! You gave it to the sales guy without even asking me if I wanted it!
--23rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Vanessa
Could I Use Your Vagina As a Stunt Gorge?
(little boy has a Hot Wheels car and he's rolling it all over everything around him)
Boy: Mom, can I roll it on your head?
Mom: No, you'll mess up my hair.
Boy: Your arms?
Mom: Yeah, sure.
Boy: Your chest?
Mom: No, that's not appropriate.
Boy: Okay...your nipples?
Mom: That's definitely not appropriate.
Boy (disappointed): Aaww...
--6 Train
Overheard by: 1-800-mattres
Like It Could Be Argued That Your Shirt Doesn't Make You Look Like a Douche
Student: When installing software there are always these terms and conditions that you have to agree with, right? But nobody knows what they mean and nobody reads them. Could it be argued that that is a type of contract that cannot be enforced?
Contracts professor: Yes, definitely. (pause) Now, before you get too happy about that: you asked whether it could be argued.
--Columbia Law School
She Said, as She Adjusted Her Burka.
(talking about man with tattoos covering his arms)
Woman #1: Wow, can you believe that?
Woman #2: I know! I could never do that to my body.
Woman #1: Yeah! I mean, all my tattoos are in places you can't see.
--G Train
Overheard by: EFO
Headline by: tatoo-less
Runners-Up:
· "But My Colonoscopist Says They're Lovely!" - Fred
· "For Only My Baby to Appreciate." - KJM
· "Inside My Fat Rolls." - Mike
· "Inside the Cover Of the Howard the Duck Collectors Edition DVD." - KJM
· "That Gerbil Is the Most Talented Tattoo Artist I Know" - Treize
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Do They Have It in Braille?
Blonde #1: So, why don't we rent a movie? Like Grandma's Boy?
Blonde #2: But you've seen that movie like four times!
Blonde #1: I've seen the movie four times, but I've never really seen it, you know?
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Just waiting to use the bathroom
They Didn't Appreciate the Blackface, Though
White guy: Where do you live?
White girl: The Upper East Side. Where do you live?
White guy: I just moved to the city, I live in Harlem.
White girl: Oh, that must be scary.
White guy: Nah, it's not scary. I'm from Northwestern Florida so I mean I'm used to black people...plus, I play basketball.
White girl (nods in complete agreement): Oh, you're fine then.
--Bowery Bar
Roger's Often Baffled by the Unexpected Appearance Of Headgear
Old hipster walking by group of young hipsters, waiting at an apartment door: Oh, look at you all! Didya get all dressed up to come to the city? "Oh look at me, I'm a little hipster, look at me, I'm so pretty! I'm so special and pretty! Look at me! Oh! I'm waiting to get into a hipster party!"
Young hipster #1: Look at you man, you're all by yourself.
Young hipster #2: And you're wearing a fucking cowboy hat.
--1st & 13th
Overheard by: Can't we all just get along?
Wednesday One-Liners, Eh?
Conductor: This is the train from Grand Central to North White Plains. Next stop is Botanic Gardens. We do not go to Canada. Next stop is Botanic Gardens.
--Metro-North Train
Guy with heavy Brooklyn accent: I don't want to go to a place like Canada if I don't know where it is!
--Avenue of the Americas
Overheard by: Mike
20-something preppy boy (yelling into his phone): It's not racist to hate Canadians! Canadians are not a race!
--8th St & 6th Ave
Man on cell: What? He jumped off a bridge? You have to be Canadian to jump off a bridge!
--Times Square
Tourist: Man, I'm way too Canadian for this escalator.
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: escal-eh?-tor
If We Never See Another Negro Pizza Fund Wednesday One-Liner Again, It'll Be Too Soon
Hobo: Can you spare a donation to the united negro pizza fund?
--120th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Mikey T
Hobo: Would you like to make a donation to the united negro pastrami fund?
--21st & Park Ave
Overheard by: Lawrence C
Hobo: Hello ladies, would you like to donate to the united negro pastrami sandwich fund?
--Broadway, SoHo
Bum on street: Please give to the united negro pizza fund.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Squid
Hobo: Contribute to the united negro pastrami sandwich fund!
--Prince & Wooster
Black hobo to tourists: Would you like to donate to the united negro pastrami fund?
--Bleecker & Leroy
Overheard by: Lynn
Hobo: Please give to to the united negro pizza fund. A pepperoni is a terrible thing to waste. (30 minutes later) What's the best nation? A do-nation!
--Outside Buddha Bar
Wednesday One-Liners' Drawings Are All Over the Refrigerator
Little kid looking out subway window: Look mom! The projects!
--N Train
Overheard by: patricia
Three-year-old girl to mom looking at a painting: Why am I so biiiggggg?
--Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: alison
Little boy, whining to his mother while following her the wrong way through IKEA: We're never going to get out of here!
--IKEA, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lost In Space
Small child: Look at that pigeon, mommy, I want to eat it!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Natalie
Two-year-old girl (shaking her ass): Hubba hubba!
--Central Park
Little boy: Mommy! Let's go look at the hos now!
--Museum of Natural History, Native American Exhibit
Pudgy Asian kid standing in circle of sitting summer campers: The capital of Thailand is Bangkok! Who wants a tea bag?
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Thaibag
Wednesday One-Liners Live in Upscale Packing Crates
Crazy hobo outside strip club: Good morning! (girl ignores him) I said "Good morning!" (girl keeps walking, not looking at him) Fine! I take it back!
--Broadway & 53rd St
Overheard by: JoBell
Bag lady to tourists: Hey, people! Welcome to New York City! Can you buy me a hot dog?
--Wall Street
Hobo: Hey! Can I borrow fifty million dollars for the weekend?!
--14th St
Hobo on train: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please! My name is Al, but you can caaaaaaaaalllllll me...homeless.
--L Train
Homeless guy: Hi everyone, my name is Eddie. Some people call me Homeless Ed, or Homeless for short. I know some of you hate homeless people. I didn't use to be homeless. I had a house, a job, and even a girlfriend. And my girlfriend had a girlfriend, so here I am.
--Uptown F Train
Lispy overweight hobo: Hey, sweetie! If I do some scenes from Days of Our Lives, will you help me out with two dollars?
--W 8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Emily B.
Wednesday One-Liners Go Looking for a Vein
Girl #1 to girl #2: Wouldn't you just rather have a night where we just get really high and scissor?
--Grand & Union, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: So they're smoking crack and fucking on his mother's bed!
--17th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Dave
Little kid: Look, I'm on crack!
--Apple Store, Staten Island Mall
Overheard by: Robert
Junkie to junkie companion, standing in front of Band-Aids: I need to test positive for methadone and negative for everything else...
--Walgreens, Union Square
Hobo on train: Does anyone have any money for me? Any food? Any opium? Lots and lots of opium?
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: left my opium stash at home
20-something blond girl on cell: You just have to convince them that you care more about college than you do about drugs, and they'll give you another chance...that's what I did!
--Chinatown Bus
Overheard by: GavinJoyce
Tourist: So I called her up and said, "Come down or you're going to miss breakfast, and I want to have breakfast with you." And all she said was, "I really like opium." and I was like, "Oh, okay."
--33rd & 7th
Overheard by: EthanK
Wednesday One-Liners Crank the Woofers
Suit: So what you really need to do is put together a social networking site for dogs.
--Barfly, 20th & 3rd
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
Woman: I swear, my parents are only coming to visit so they can see my dog. Honest!
--Searchlight, 11th & University
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Conductor: Will the man with the small dog in the plastic bag please leave the train. That is not a safe way to be transporting a dog. Thank you.
--Bay Head Train
Guy riding past on a bike, yelling into his cell: Baby! If the dog is talking, that means one of two things...
--24th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: sara n.
Woman on cell: But it's not just any day of the year! It's Yom Kippur! (listens) Fuck you, Dave! Fuck you, and fuck your dog!
--Prince St
Overheard by: elle
Woman in elevator on cell (coming from attorney's office): You won't believe what he did! First he staged photos of me in bed with a dog. Then I turn the page and it's me in bed with my next door neighbor!
--Vesey St
Wednesday One-Liners Hire Professional Mourners
Drunk dude getting restrained: No, you don't understand. I could murder anyone! Not like my family. My family's all pussies... They're all Ricky Martin!
--Outside Nightcaps, Midwood
Dreadlocked lesbian: I can feel in my heart of hearts that you'll be okay, baby. You didn't kill anybody, you paid a guy to kill somebody.
--Lesbian Bar, Park Slope
Overheard by: gvw
Elderly Eastern European woman to elderly man: A dyke can kill three thousand woman! Most killer in de' world!
--Bedford Avenue & N 10th St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ken Thompson
Little boy exiting bathroom: You're not the only one alive here!
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Overheard by: MeiLi
Girl to friend: If I died, and you heard about it--please burn me.
--Astoria, 21st St
Professional woman to another: Well, because I know that you are opposed to genocide and everything...
--Union Square
Three-year-old black girl stabbing at her SpaghettiO's: Die cracker die!
--Day Care Center, Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Phone Home
20-something woman: Why do I have a phone number for "Shrek" in my phone?
--1 Train
Overheard by: Poogins
Older, bald man on phone: Mom! I told you, you don't have to call me everyday. Just call me once a month...to see if I'm alive!
--Times Square
40-something suit on cell: You know what would be fine, mom? If you just stopped calling. That'd be fine! Just fine! Of course I want to hear from you, but just stop calling. It's over. Over. Don't call no more.
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Oedipus
Crazy lady on cell (at the top of her lungs): Yo, douchebag! Where are my fucking children? I want to see my children. You owe my $10,000 in child support. And you know what? They're not even your kids! Ha! Oh, and my phone's dead.
--AirTrain
White girl on phone: Well, on the phone he doesn't even sound black. So just introduce him to your parents over the phone...
--28th & Broadway
Overheard by: Vanessa
Lunching lady: She's 718, acts like she's 212...but really, she's so 516!
--4 Train
Overheard by: JC
This Round's on Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo to another: Now the average American might not know about the economy and the depression. But they know about Budwieser. If they go to the bodega and there's no Budweiser, they know there's a problem.
--53rd Street E Station
Overheard by: SJG
Bald 30-something man: I believe in whiskey and little else.
--Lorimer & Union
Girl walking down the street: You took methamphetamines, I'm getting a Diet Coke!
--2nd Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: dazed and confused
Elated girl: This beer is really helping my canker sore.
--93rd & 2nd
Overheard by: brian w
Guy at bar: If the New York Public Library served Scotch, I would go there.
--Karl's Klipper, St George, Staten Island
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
Train conductor: Next stop, Moshulo Parkway...and can someone get me a fucking soda! I'm in car 3! I need a damn soda!
--4 Train
Overheard by: B-Dizzle Yo
"I'm Having a Wednesday One-Liner-- And It's Yours!"
Man in floor-length green dress to passersby: How do you know if you're having a baby? It's by the way you lift your legs!
--8th & 34th
Guy to girlfriend: Just make sure you tell me if you're on antibiotics. I already got like three babies that way.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: It's how I got mine
Large black man: She was poppin' those babies out like an Easy-Bake Oven!
--Coney Island Broadwalk
Hobo woman yelling at random pregnant woman: I told you be careful with that belly! That baby's gonna die! It gonna die!
--Broadway & Liberty
Overheard by: CG
Man talking animatedly on cell: Yeah! Don't be surprised if the baby comes out with a hairy red ass!
--Spring Street, SoHo
Middle aged woman: Your baby wouldn't stop crying, so I put my tit in his mouth.
--W 12th & W 4th
Overheard by: michael diamond
Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail
Conductor: Attention passengers. Have your ticket out so you can be inspected and accepted, or rejected and ejected. Also, there is no smoking or urinating inside, outside, between, under, above, or around the train. Do not stick any appendages out the windows, or you will lose them.
--Grand Central
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last stop on this train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. Also, you'll want to remember to take the little ones, because we charge too much for babysitting.
--J Train
Overheard by: Penny
Small child's voice on subway speaker: Next stop, one two fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee!
--B Train
Overheard by: john
Conductor over loudspeaker: Hey! To the kid who just gave me the finger--grow up!
--F Train
Overheard by: Bernie
Conductor: Know where you need to go--East Side or West Side, cause we ain't going where you think. Those of you who know what I mean, tell the person next to you who hasn't a clue. Help me out here, people--help me out.
--2 Train
Overheard by: know what you mean
Conductor: This is a Downtown Express c train. Express express express express express express. Express. Don't say I didn't warn you, people.
--C Train
Conductor: For those of you getting off at Seaford Station, the front two cars will not platform at Seaford. I suggest you take the time now to move back to the cars that will make the platform at Seaford...or you can do what everyone does anyway and wait until the last minute and panic.
--LIRR
Overheard by: The WC
Wednesday One-Liners Go Balls Out
Male kickballer: You know, I always like waking up with two testicles!
--Queensboro Oval, 59th & York
Overheard by: Me too
Bag lady outside of a shelter to another: Men think all they got to do is show us their dick and balls and we gonna be mesmerized.
--30th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Beef Cheeks
Gay guy: Yeah, I stopped watching that game after he started dressing up like a woman and kicking photographers in the balls.
--Park Ave & 20th St
Overheard by: fey
High school girl wrapping arms around other girl's shoulders: Suck my balls.
--60th b/w Broadway & Columbus
Overheard by: Krisztina
A Burr Under His Saddle
Tourist dad: Look, Alexander Hamilton.
Tourist son: He was young.
Tourist dad: Yeah, wonder what he died of?
--Rector St, by Trinity Graveyard
Overheard by: DTA Officer
Jason Was a Final-Round Draft Pick for the Other Team
Dude: So I finally saw Lisa's* tits. Good stuff, man.
Friend: Yeah? Are they big?
Dude: Not at all. But it's better that way. A handful is enough.
Friend: So it's like nuts?
Dude: What the fuck?
Friend: No! I mean they say a handful of nuts is enough protein for the day! That came out totally wrong!
Dude: Whatever you say...Tinkerbell.
--67th & Columbus
He Can't Help It If His Butt His Griddle-Shaped
Girl: You know how your boyfriend sometimes falls asleep in my bed? You have to make him stop. Seriously.
Roommate: Why?
Girl: Because I'm going to flip shit on his ass, is why!
Roommate: Well, it's not like he...no, I'm not even going to finish that sentence.
Girl: Good.
--A Train
Overheard by: Mama Beeker
The Director's Cut Of Happy Feet, Perhaps?
Chinese DVD lady: You want DVD? Spiderman, Pirates? All good new movies, you want?
People at table: No, thanks.
Tranny at next table (loudly): Yo mama you got any pornos in there? Hmm, I want something with dick in it, big dicks. You got anything?
--37th Ave Subway, After Gay Parade
Overheard by: Empty Refrigerator
That's Your Safe Word? Really?
Casual businessman #1: Boise's good...
Casual businessman #2: Boise's reeeaaall good...
--Houston & Ludlow
NewsFlash: Paddle-Shaped Girls Make S&M a Breeze
Hip girl #1: You're just jealous because the water does what I tell it to.
Hip girl #2: Yeah, but that's only because you're huge and paddle-shaped.
Hip girl #1: Hehehehehehe...
Hip girl #2: Stop, your dirty laughter is getting all over my new jacket.
--Arlene's Grocery, Stanton St
Overheard by: sophie and gabby
No Chimichangas?
Gay guy #1: So how was the party last night?
Gay guy #2: Oh, it wasn't too bad, but there were a bit too many tacos and not enough sausages, if you know what I mean.
--Fordham University
But When I Wrote It Up, My Philosophy Professor Gave Me an "F"!
Guy #1: So I basically came up with a question that doesn't have an answer. Would you do Jessica Simpson, I mean really Jessica Simpson, but the catch is she is the size of Shaquille O'Neal? Like 300 pounds and 7 feet tall but still really truly Jessica Simpson.
Guy #2: You're right, I don't have an answer.
Guy #1: Yeah, neither did Kevin when I asked him last night. What a mind blow...
--6 Train
Overheard by: Mark
Reproduction in the Year 2060
Woman (coming out of store): Where the hell you been?
Man (waiting on sidewalk): Right here!
Woman: The whole time?
Man: Yeah.
Woman: I got pregnant.
Man: ...what, just now?
--Fulton Mall, Brooklyn
We Just Don't Have the Upper Body Strength to Lift the Victory Trophies
Boy: So, why can guys flaunt their sexual conquests and girls can't?
Girl: Well duh, that's just how biology works!
--113th & Broadway
Remember When You Tried to Stack Those Turtles?
(a guy is selling brightly colored books titled How to Roll a Blunt for Dummies)
Five-year-old kid: Mommy, whats that book about???
Mother (flustered and pushing him away): Umm...umm...uhhh... Honey, not all books are educational!
--Penn Station
For Bonus Points, Answer the Question with Two Dicks in Your Mouth
Female lawyer: Did you see that video where that girl from South Carolina was asked why Americans can't read maps?
Male lawyer: Yeah, she was a teenage beauty contestant. I tell you, I've heard drunk girls with two dicks in their mouth make more sense than that bitch.
Female lawyer: Don't call her a bitch. She was probably just nervous.
Male lawyer: Excuse me, she's a beauty contestant. The only difference between a beauty contestant and an inflatable doll is where you blow into them.
Female lawyer: Excuse me, but I was in a few beauty contests when I was a teenager.
Male lawyer: Really? So tell me, why can't Americans read maps?
--Supreme Court, Jamaica
Overheard by: Big Larry
Might Want to Ditch the "Westchester" Sweatshirts, Too
Girl #1: We're waiting for a friend and then we're going to take the train home.
Guy: Oh, where do you live?
Girl #1: Westchester.
Girl #2: Dammit *Britney*, stop telling people that!
--49th b/w 8th & 9th
That's What You Said About the Disney Parade
Hipster girl #1: What are all those flags for?
Hipster girl #2: Isn't the Puerto Rican parade today?
Disillusioned passerby: Oh, great! More rapes in the park!
--Delancey & Orchard, Lower East Side
Overheard by: K Swin
Nothing Like a Malomar in a Nurse's Outfit
Woman at ATM: Well, she could use a little piece of chocolate in a uniform.
Friend: Who couldn't?
--45th & Lex
I've Got Mounds of Hatred Today
Crazy guy to suit: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
Suit: Get the fuck away from me before I stab you.
--D Train
Overheard by: Oh snap!
They Pulled the Buses
Woman #1: Man, why do we get to sit in the back of the bus like slaves did?
Woman #2: Please, slaves walked everywhere!
--B44 Bus
Overheard by: Robin M.
Betrayal Is My Anti-Drug
(Outside American Apparel)
Dude sitting on bench: How you gonna have me as one of your top 8 friends on MySpace and not hook me up with drugs?
Dude leaving store: Fuck you, nigga.
--Orchard & Houston
Overheard by: pink panties
Don't You Care About the Third Anniversary of Our Second Date?
Girl: Guess what this weekend is?
Guy: Someone's birthday? Every week it's something's fucking birthday.
--42nd St b/w 7th & 8th
Overheard by: yoni
With the Additional Smartass Fee, Maybe They'll Spring for Bread
Driver: You couldn't just give me a warning, huh? This ticket make your quota for you?
Female cop: Why, yes, yes it does! Now I get a free toaster from the city paid with your fine there!
--Parsons & 79th, Queens
Overheard by: Fly on the Wall
And It Earned Me a Fear Factor T-Shirt
Little boy: Mommy, mommy! Can I get a hot dog please?
Mom: No.
Little boy: Please? Why not?
Mom: Remember that time you drank your pee pee juice?
Little boy: But that was yummy!
--Time Square
Finally, Proof That Tight Jeans Do Have Consequences
Gay hipster guy #1: Check him out.
Gay hipster guy #2: Damn, if I was a girl my pussy would be so big. Mm.
Gay hipster guy #1: I just grew a pussy and now its wet.
--F Train
Headline by: nays
Runners-Up:
· "Evolution in Action" - Drew
· "Homosexuals at the Forefront Of Evolution!" - fester60613
· "It's From the New ADULT Line Of Chia Pets." - Ch-ch-ch-chia!
· "Jeff Goldbloom: Life Finds a Way." - space coyote
· "Oh, Just What I Need, Another Fag-Hag. Thanks a LOT, Trevor." - Rhadamanthus
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
People Who Can't Pronounce the Letter "R"?
Old black woman: What's this now?
Middle aged black woman: Three Mo Tenors. They're like The Three Tenors. Sing Italian, opera, Broadway, gospel...
Old black woman: So, they're Italian?
Middle aged black woman: No. See that sign? It says Three Mo Tenors. That means they're like us.
--W 42nd St b/w 9th & 10th
Overheard by: MrE1111
My Long-Term Career Goal Is to Get Some
Guy: Did you look at my resume?
Girl: Yeah. It was pretty good, but I made a couple of changes. I added "pussy" to your interests.
Guy: Great idea! It makes me sound more diverse.
--Lafayette
McDonalds Is Sponsoring Their Wedding in Return for Advertising Considerations
Boyfriend: Let's pawn the ring you have. It'll be, like, $800 towards the real thing.
Girlfriend: That's ghetto.
Boyfriend: No, that's super-sizin'.
--US Airways Flight
Overheard by: aryn
Since When Is Not Understanding Yogiisms the Threshold for Stupidity?
Photographer #1: I keep trying to get reservations at [famous restaurant], but they only have ones for 10:00 pm.
Photographer #2: Yeah, nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.
Photographer #1: Yeah, totally.
Photographer #2: No, it's a joke. It's Yogi Berra. "Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."
Photographer #1: I don't get it.
Photographer #2: You're an idiot.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Actually laughing out loud
Quick, Watson-- the Game's Afoot!
Guy #1: ...smells like sausage.
Guy #2: (begins sniffing) Unusually large sausage...
--Corner of 9th & 31st
Overheard by: Saz
I Should've Flown the Other Way to Get to Seoul
Disoriented stranger to random businessman: Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find the bus to New York?
Random businessman: This is New York.
Disoriented stranger: This is?!
Random businessman: Yeah, you're in New York.
Disoriented stranger: Ooh! Really?! Oh, now I see!
--5th Ave & 48th St
Overheard by: Earl Weinz
In the Absence of Proof, I'm Gonna Keep Pushing
Lady #1: Don't push me, I'm pregnant.
Lady #2: I can't tell you is pregnant from behind.
--Downtown 6 Train
They Also Make the Cutest Earrings
Jiu-Jitsu student #1: Have you seen my new gloves? Well, they are less of hit gloves and more being hit gloves.
Jiu-Jitsu student #2: You put them on your face?
--Jiu-Jitsu Dojo, Manhattan
Max Sometimes Awakens in the Wrong Body
Drunk guy outside window: Where am I? I know I'm in Brooklyn...
Drunk girl: Yeah, we're in Brooklyn.
Drunk guy: Yeah, but what borough is Brooklyn in?
--Atlantic Avenue
Overheard by: Jonah
Just Spare Me the "Great Institution" Joke
Crazy man: Girl, you been married?
Teenager girl: Yes.
Crazy man: You divorced?
Teenager girl: Yes.
Crazy man: How many times you been married?
(teenager girl holds out five fingers)
Crazy man: Damn girl, I've only been married once and we're still together.
--Time Square Shuttle
Overheard by: Holly
Manhattan: "Aww, Snaaap!"
Confused tourist: Excuse me, can you help us? We're trying to get to New York.
New Yorker: You are in New York.
Confused tourist: I'm sorry, I meant New York City.
--Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Outraged Brooklynite
Being Judgmental Does That to a Woman
JAP to friend: Why is it that I only get hit on by the creepy, ugly guys?
Hobo: Um, have you looked in the mirror lately? Maybe it's 'cuz you ugly!
--Outside The Met
But Hurry Up-- We're Late to Pick Up My Couture Halo
Man #1: Hey, gay angel!
Man #2 (walking ahead of man #1): Did you just call me a gay angel?
Man #1: Yeah.
Man #2: That's why you are my best friend, asshole.
--1st St & Ave A
Overheard by: lila
Raise Your Hand If You've Been Hit on By This Guy
Black drunk hobo: Girl, lemme tell you something. I'm a Sagittarius and we funny as shit once we're sober. Can I ask you something? Are you Russian?
Woman on subway: No.
Black drunk hobo: You look Russian. I know all about them Russians. Matter of fact, I have a book coming out later this year. It's called I Know Shit.
--1 Train
Overheard by: TVontheFritz
Tension Fills the Air at Disney on Ice
Drunken idiot (in last row of Madison Square Garden): You don't understand, I have connections. One phone call and I'm right back in here...
Security guard: I don't care if you wanna call President Bush. You can use my cell phone. If the people in front of you complain again, you're history. Enjoy the show, try not to drink too much.
Drunken idiot to girl who complained: Snitches get stitches!
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Lalaith
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