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The Rest Was History for Kim Kardashian and Ray-J
Black guy, yelling out of his car at cute girl crossing the street: Hey! You look like yo' white boyfriend call you fat, but mama, that alllllll good!
Cute girl: I have never felt so offended and so complimented at once. (deadpan) This must be love.
--Grand Army Plaza
Overheard by: aenigma
White Guys Are Held to a Pretty Low Standard
Man holding ankle boot and laughing: This is fashion?
Offended fashionista: How many pairs of Crocs do you own?
--Barneys Co-Op
Suddenly Sober, Alice Put Out the Cigarette
Drunk chick: I don't care if you let me I'm smoking this fucking cigarette. (lights it)
Driver: Brunettes are slutty.
Drunk chick: What?
Driver: It's okay, I like slutty chicks.
--Taxi Cab, Williamsburg
Overheard by: where's waldo?
Kinda Like Birthing a Calf
Bearded guy: So I was looking at porn the other day and saw this chick getting fisted and it reminded me of you.
Blonde girl: Oh yeah. Was it anal?
Bearded guy (fist pumping against other hand): Oh, it was full on.
--LIRR
Overheard by: well...was it?
But That Was the Theme of the Party!
Girl #1: Oh my gosh! I haven't seen you in so long! You didn't come to my party!
Girl #2: I know! I was high!
--St. Mark's
Overheard by: Aearrin
That's What We Should Bring to Show and Tell
Little girl #1: Yeah, cookies and onions.
Little girl #2: Cookies!
Little girl #1: Onions.
Little girl #2: Cookies!
Little girl #1: Onions!
Little girl #2: Cookies!
Little girl #1 (pauses, thinks about it): Beer!
--54th & 7th
Overheard by: Chloefron
But I'm Still Unclear About the Connection to Taco Bell
Bimbette #1: I thought his name was Alexander Gumball! I feel like such an idiot!
Bimbette #2: I know, when I heard his name was Graham Bell I was like oh, Bell...that makes so much sense!
--Prince & Lafayette
Overheard by: jayso
I Totally Saw Her Cut in Line at Starbucks Earlier
Old man walking dog (bumping into ghetto girl #1): Watch where you're going, bitch!
Ghetto girl #1 (turning and running after old man, wielding thick Harry Potter book as a weapon): That man just called me a bitch!
Ghetto girl #2 (running after friend): He was talking to the dog! Put the book down! His dog is a bitch!
--25th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: She-Who-Never-Uses-HP-As-A-Weapon
What Do You Think Food Stamps Are For?
Girl #1: You are so drunk, aren't you? How many beers did you have?
Girl #2: Yeah, I had six beers!
Girl #1: No you didn't! You can't afford six beers!
--Shea Stadium
Plus, We Both Like Ice Cream. And the Beatles!
Bimbo #1: Yeah, I really think I like him. We get along so well. I mean, we have a lot in common.
Bimbo #2: Oh yeah? Like what?
Bimbo #1: Well, we both love pugs.
Bimbo #2: As in the type of dog? Everyone loves pugs. How can you not like pugs? They are so fucking cute.
Bimbo #1 (challengingly): Yeah? Well, how about this one? Both of our dads died in plane crashes.
Bimbo #2: Oh. My. God. You are sooo meant to be together.
--Brooklyn Bound N Train
Overheard by: totes meant to be
Aw Sweetie, Someday You'll Meet a Man Who'll Love You for Your Rib Cage
Chubby 20-something girl in skintight tracksuit: It is so effing cold out here! I'm freezing my tits off!
Rail thin friend: Really? I'm not.
Chubby girl: That's because you don't have any tits, idiot!
Rail thin friend, quietly: Oh...yeah...
--Central Park
Overheard by: I was freezing my tits off too
I'm LMAO at You Pozrs
Teen (speaking excitedly to friends): Supposedly there's a tornado in the city!
Random suit: Like o-m-g!
Teen: Like w-t-f!
--7th Ave
Is the Word "Like" a Free Pass on Bad Math? Discuss
Tourist #1: I've been in about 40 states so far.
Tourist #2: Wow, that's like half of them!
--Central Park
Overheard by: 1f
Thanks, I Guess
Teenage girl #1: Did you know... If I shot you in the head right now, you wouldn't even know you were dead!
Teenage girl #2: Whoa!
--Coney Island, in Line for Wonder Wheel
Wait'll You See My Passenger Pigeon Underpants!
Stupid girl: I really like your scarf.
Other girl: Thanks! It's wool and bunny fur.
Stupid girl: Animal killer!
Other girl: No, I think they shave them.
Stupid girl: Oh.
Other girl: Yeah, and it's houndstooth, so I really like it.
Stupid girl: How many animals do you have in there?
--Elevator, 41st & 3rd
Now Drink Your Wine and Shut Up
Neo yuppie #1: Man, I love me some hot dogs at Shea.
Neo yuppie #2: Hot dogs are for poor people.
--Bin 71
Overheard by: Jeff
Sorry, Pal, Majority Rules. Oh, Wait...
Old suit: Why can't we cross?
Police officer: The President's coming through.
Old suit: He's not my President. Where do you think you are?
--50th & 3rd Ave
Incidentally, Your Palm Has Never Felt Softer
Large man: You fucked him!
Large woman: I didn't fuck no one...I let him cum in my hand.
Large man: Bitch!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: bo jokes
Those Who Don't Remember the Past Are Doomed to Invent It
Girl #1: I got sick today from a eating plum a Hare Krishna gave me. They like...put something on it!
Girl #2: What's a Hare Krishna?
Girl #3: Oh my god, they are like this cult that John Lennon invented.
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: Isabel
Does This Mean the Marriage Vows Don't Count?
Daphne: But he called me Bernice!
Friend: Well, that's as unusual as Daphne.
Daphne: I guess.
--54th & 7th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
They Like to Give the Rats Time to Get Off the Tracks
Little girl: Daddy, why aren't we moving?
Father: It's okay. See, we're moving now. Veeeery slowly.
Little girl: Why?
Father: Because you're riding the MTA.
--F Train
Overheard by: Katharine
But I May Need an Emergency Guava Later
Older mother: Do you need a pomegranate, or are you good?
Teen: I'm good.
--Fruit Cart, 18th & 6th
Overheard by: EthanK
Except When the Host Asked You to Pick Between Doors #1 and #2
Guy #1: So, you taking the hot tub or what?
Guy #2: I'd rather have six years of my life than the hot tub.
Guy #1: Well, you don't really have a choice.
--Court St & Congress St
Overheard by: Matthew
Could You Stop Demonstrating on Me?
Nursing student: Can anyone on this bus tell me why my teacher stuck his bare ungloved finger up this guy's rectum?!
(a couple of seconds later)
Nursing student: I saw some lady's uterus fall out of her vagina today, while giving birth.
Nurse also on bus: You are being really inappropriate today.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Audrey
Oh Well, We'll Just Watch Touched By an Angel Later.
Father: We might not make it home in time for church.
Little boy: Hallelujah! We're gonna miss church!
--Bus to Staten Island
Tonight, on Stereotype My Ride...
14-year-old #1: ...a white car with a red stripe. Those are the people that steal shit.
14-year-old #2: They steal shit?
14-year-old #1: Yeah. Or murder. Something.
--Colonial Road & 74th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jon A.
I Knew This Planned Parenthood Internship Would Pay Off
Dude #1: ...so do you think I can have dibs on her, or is that not a good idea?
Dude #2: What do you mean?
Dude #1: Well, she had an abortion six weeks ago.
Dude #2: Oh dude, what are you doing!?
Dude #1: Yeah, but can't she not get pregnant because she just had an abortion?
Dude #2: Oh, that's a good point. I don't think that works like that...
Dude #1: But it was six weeks ago.
Dude #2: Oh, I thought you said six months ago! Yeah, man, you got a sweet deal there. I can't believe your luck, where do you keep meeting these women!?
--Bathroom, Fordham University
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
What You Get for Being Seven Feet Tall
Tourist: Excuse me, but could you please tell me the time?
New Yorker: What do I look like? Big fuckin' Ben or somethin'?
--Broadway
Unless It's a Miniature Camera
Hysterical girl: Ohmigod, look at that cockroach! That's so gross, you can see its shell!
Calm friend: Cockroaches don't have shells.
Hysterical girl: Yes they do, look at it!
Calm friend: That's an exoskeleton, asshole.
--Locker Room, H.S. 625
Overheard by: She's right you know
It's Like Blackboard Jungle Over There!
Elderly math teacher: By god, you can't just hand me any mangled piece of paper you want! What do you think this is, the Bronx High School of Science?
Geeky kid #1: Oooh, that's mean.
Geeky kid #2: Well, at least he didn't say Brooklyn Tech. They have cameras everywhere, and if you dis them, they'll take out their gun and be all, "What did you say about my school?"
Geeky kid #1: You just made that up.
Geeky kid #2: I wish.
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by:
Frankly, That Could Have Been What He Said
Train conductor: (mumbling)
British suit: So you understood what he just said?
New Yorker: Of course.
British suit: Well, what did he say?
New Yorker: He said, "Shut the fuck up, you fucking foreigner, you're on a train and you'll be home soon."
--1 Train
Overheard by: KeivonK
NewsFlash: Post/Law Enforcement Conspiracy Uncovered
Post street vendor: Paris Hilton out of jail! New York Post!
Passerby: If he said that slag was back in jail, I'd even stoop to buying a Post.
--43rd & Lex
Almost Nobody Ever Understands English
Conductor: Please do not hold the doors. (pause) Get out of the door, please. (long pause) Get out of the fucking doors, please. (pause) Jesus, don't you people understand English here?
Blonde: Somebody needs to get laid, bad.
--1 Train
Overheard by: pierre
Adam Smith's "Invisible Hand" at Work
Old grimy man to cute young bartender: Will you marry me?
Bartender: No!
Old man: I'll pay you.
Bartender: How much?
Old man: $30,000.
Bartender: Ummm... No, I would need at least 3 million.
Old man (shaking his head and talking to himself): I don't get it. It's just not fair. $30,000 is a lot of money.
--Cobblestones Pub
Overheard by: kapnasty
Headline by: hearer
Runners-Up:
· "From the Pilot for "X-Rated Price Is Right"" - BobBugger
· "Just Go Home, Mr. Hefner." - playgeezer
· "The Market Ain't What It Used to Be" - Rob
· "Well If You Won't Marry Me, Will You at Least Be My Running Mate?" - Michelle
· "When Did Heather Mills Start Bartending?" - Paul Ferris
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Drinks Because Her Parents Named Her BJ
Drunk punk #1: How was your date with BJ?
Drunk punk #2: She got wasted and passed out in her hallway.
Drunk punk #1: Awesome!
--Bouncing Souls Concert, Webster Hall
Explain Katie Couric Then, Brainiac
(excited dog jumps onto lady)
Lady: Oh, why are you so frisky?
Dog walker: He's a puppy.
Lady: Oh, so he's new to New York? Soon he'll be just as jaded and angry as the rest of us.
--32nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Tacomeat
Avenue Q Tipped Him Over the Edge
UES middle aged lady #1: Oh hi! I haven't seen you in so long! How are you?
UES middle aged lady #2: Not so great, my husband just told me he's gay.
--Duane Reade, 1st & 72nd
What's More American Than Wednesday One-Liners?
Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Americans don't pay their taxes. I want to be one of them.
--7th Ave & Garfield, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America--this is America. They makin' ice cream every second! I don't know what he's complainin' about, they got chains makin' food 24 hours a day...they even makin' milk on Christmas!
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Tess
Obnoxious black guy to another: I was watchin' a special on tv last night talkin' about how gays can't be in the war! When they find out the whole America is gay, we're screwed!
--45th & 9th
Construction worker to another: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a debate. And I'm a fuckin' plumber! (pause) I hate my damn nation...
--Dunkin' Donuts, Astoria, Queens
Conductor: This is the r local to Continental... Forest Hills... Queens... USA!
--R Train
Overheard by: Mugsy's Moll
Wednesday One-Liners Sneak Big Shampoo Into Their Carry-Ons
Pilot: We haven't been cleared for landing yet, so we're just going to have to fly around for about 30 minutes. We have about 45 minutes worth of fuel left, so we should be okay.
--Flight into LaGuardia
Overheard by: Andrea
TSA representative to man punching the beeping metal detector: Sir, I don't think that you understand how this works, but you are not supposed to punch the machine when it beeps.
--JFK
Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen of the jur... We'll be coming around to serve refreshments shortly.
--JFK to Burbank
Overheard by: Bella
Pilot: I would like to apologize for the long delay and I am happy to announce that we will shortly be making our way over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go in Louisville. Our flux capacitor is up and running and once this baby hits 188 miles per hour you'd better hold on tight.
--LaGuardia Airport
Pilot: So, is everyone excited to go to Honolulu?
--JFK Flight to San Francisco
Overheard by: that would be nice, though...
A Woman's Right to Wednesday One-Liners
Angry black woman: Why these motherfuckers always wearing "right for life" buttons, philosophizing and shit?
--Dallas BBQ, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Mike H
Student: Aborting your baby is so boring now. Everyone does it.
--Bard High School Early College
Drunk loud teenage Latina: Ladies and gentlemen, I am a minority and I have never had an abortion!
--N Train
Overheard by: g-lime
Man on cell: Oh... Oh shit... Well, can't you just take a wire hanger and pull it out? Yeah, just stick the hanger in and pull it right out! Okay? Okay. Bye.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: marge
Fabulous gay guy: So, my coworkers at Olive Garden all wanted to go out for a picnic one day. Our one friend had to work though, so we told her to tell our boss she needed to go get an abortion and she actually did it!
--Life Cafe, Avenue B & 10th St
Overheard by: Rachel W.
There's No Wednesday One-Liners Like Show Wednesday One-Liners
Festering pedestrian: Well, he didn't mention my name at the Tonys, and for that I'll never forgive him.
--43rd St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: Ryan
Producer of an unsuccessful off-Broadway play: That's what this show makes me do. Everyday I get here and just squeeze my neck just like this, I just squeeze it. I don't do this anywhere else.
--Chelsea Theater
Overheard by: Kyle
Audience member to friend: Of course it sucks. It's Shakespeare.
--Macbeth Performance, Battery Park
Hipster guy: I think this play is by the same guy who wrote Ten Things I Hate about You
--NYCL Production of Shakespeare's Cymbeline, Central Park
Overheard by: digamma
Hipster girl: Last time I was in the third row, but I think I like these better. At least I won't get my head humped tonight.
--Hair Performance, Delacorte Theatre
Teenybopper at intermission: Joe Jonas would make such an incredible bodega guy!
--Richard Rodgers Theatre
Wednesday-One-Lina, Please!
Ghetto guy: Fuck no! That nigga's soft as cotton.
--Union Square
Black guy: Yo nigga, I called this nigga and said "Yo nigga."
--59th St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: Satch
Random old black guy sitting alone on steps: Nigga who, nigga what, nigga where, nigga what?
--2nd ave and 8th st
Overheard by: evanescent
Chinese kid to another: Do I look pussy to you, nigga?
--Sunset Park, Brooklyn
White thug on cell: What? You can't call me nigga, you're white!
--Beverley Road & Ocean Parkway
White guy to Dominican guy: Yo, you look like the kinda nigga who gets bitches. Where they at?
--11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Benny the boo
We Heart Wednesday One-Liners
Skater boy: I love Jennifer Aniston! I would fuck her and then leave her!
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Laura
Grad student: I've been analyzing my love life from a symbolic interactionist perspective...
--Amsterdam Cafe
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy on cell: I love you...(defensively) Yes I do!
--Columbus Circle
Loud guy: You know what? Sometimes you've got to catch a few venereal diseases to find true love.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Kelsey
Man on cell: Then I thought that if I asked her out she would think that I think that she thinks that I think that she loves me.
--59th St & 8th Ave
Black girl behind the counter (after receiving a few text messages and calls): Why is everyone harassing me today? (sighs) I feel loved.
--Coldstone Creamery
Overheard by: Eli
Bus driver on loudspeaker: This bus is beautiful. We care about one another, we share our experiences, our dreams and aspirations. I love each and every one of y'all. So...that's what this is.
--X30 Bus
Overheard by: i just like him as a friend...
A Wednesday in Need Is a One-Liner Indeed
Angry man on cell: I need a friend in my life! Do you hear me?! ...I don't care! I'm not leaving my wife for anyone!
--Roosevelt Ave, Flushing
Overheard by: oh, you thought my ipod was on
Girl to friend: Tomorrow I'm finally unpacking and I'm buying a new sundress to wear on Sunday when I go out to brunch with my new love interest. But he doesn't know that's the direction our friendship is headed.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: A. Pincus
Older woman with teased black hair on cell: But Frank, I don't want you to write a song about me. I want things to be as they were, friends when we were normal. Don't write me a song.
--Staten Island Ferry
Girl to friend: Well, I'm friends with him too and I didn't sleep with him.
--Shake Shack, Union Square
Girl to friend: I'm willing to let you sleep with my best friend and you still want more?
--W 31 & 6th
Overheard by: misery
Angry woman on cell: And then he told this complete stranger, "My ex-wife had lesbian lovers! My ex-wife slept with young boys!" We've been divorced for six years and he's still talking shit about me, but he says he wants to be friends?!
--2nd St & Ave A
Overheard by: voidoid
Wednesday One-Liners Long to Be THOUGHT of As Ferocious
Guy walking to rehearsal: I mean, he's really cute in that way that makes you want to hit him with a desk.
--Steinhardt Building, NYU
Middle school girl (about poster for condoms): Ewwww, at least they could've put cute gay guys!
--Q train
Overheard by: Robert
Vapid high school chick: Oh my god, I just found out that he's actually dating a freshman. And not even one of the cute ones either...she's like, brown.
--Central Park
Obviously gay boy screaming into cell: Jeremy, why the fuck didn't you tell me the massage therapist you sent me to does erotic massage? All I wanted was a place to relax! (pause) Yeah, halfway through he started jacking me off! (pause) Seriously? He never did that to you? (pause) Don't be offended. You're cute. He just could probably tell I have a big dick and couldn't keep his hands off it.
--Broadway & 20th St
Dude to friends: Did I tell you guys about the girl that I hooked up with the other night? She totally looked like a beaver... (awkward silence) ...but I mean a really cute beaver.
--Ace Bar, 5th St b/w Ave A & Ave B
Overheard by: Santa's Boy Toy
Girl on cell: Tim's cute, I just wish he didn't love Jesus so much.
--N Train
Behind the Scenes With Wednesday One-Liners
Suit on cell: I just don't know what my problem is. I keep getting fucked in the ass, and I just can't figure out why!
--54th b/w Madison & 5th
Overheard by: Pedro
Gay guy to boyfriend (angrily): Well, fine--you can fuck your own ass then.
--W Train
Overheard by: Bethany
Female suit on cell: That's the last time I tell him he can put it anywhere...I haven't been able to sit right all day.
--54th & 5th
Overheard by: GP
Hipster girl to friend: These short-haired girls are starting to piss me off. The only reason why they get all the artsy guys is 'cause they look like fellow fags and aren't prissy about taking it up the butt.
--6 Train
Overheard by: lauren
Girl on cell: He wanted to do it in the butt... No, his butt.
--37th & 7th
Serious woman to friends: Yeah, my students are telling me that the newest thing is butt sex.
--116th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not the Freshmaker
Bimbette: I don't think I've ever been that grossed out during the day. It all started when that woman smelled like pee...
--6 Train
Overheard by: j
Female suit: We were above an Indian restaurant and he was banging me from behind. I could smell the curry, and while he was banging me I was gagging.
--NJ Transit
Chick: You smell like vag and pizza.
--Borders
Girl to friend, after bending head down into her: Damn my puss stank.
--E Train
Overheard by: Nicole
College guy (screaming at friend): Dude! How are you even in college?! You smell like Oust! You smell like Tropical Glade!
--1 Train
Concerned hipster: I know you just orgasmed, but what's that smell?
--E 9th & 3rd
Overheard by: Peanut
Wednesday One-Liners: The Final Frontier
Crazy man dressed like a King: Everyone, I just bought the sun! So if you don't mind, I'd like a hundred dollars an hour if you're using my sunlight.
--Sheep Meadow, Central Park
MTA track worker to another: Why does everybody wanna die tonight, Eric? Is there a full moon or something?
--49th St Station
Overheard by: Jon A.
Man talking to himself on imaginary cellphone: There will never be peace until the planet explodes. Then there will be peace. (pause) Yes, I took my medication today.
--R Train
Overheard by: Matt Giella
Guy in line for a play: I don't take my sunglasses off because the sun never sets on a badass
--41st & 7th
Overheard by: clara
Teen thug to another: He said he likes sunsets. Who says he likes sunsets?
--Macon & Marcy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: g
Co-ed: And Galileo's like, "Saturn has rings!" And Kepler's like, "Oh my god, really?" And Galileo's like, "Ya, really!"
--1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Wednesday One-Liners Been There, Done That
(two guys bike past blowing a whistle and yelling, imitating a siren)
Old woman: Well, that about sums it up.
--Broadway & 19th
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Grandpa on cell: Okay, well, don't bump and grind with any boys!
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: Yours Truly
Older lady: I'm anti-tchotchke!
--Hudson & Bleecker
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Older woman gazing out at the pond: Well this is it! Scumbag park!
--Turtle Pond, Central Park
Overheard by: Confused
Old guy sitting on bench, to other: I'm gonna send your picture to Bellevue, so they can get the food ready for ya.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Lola
Old lady: The sex shops came in after the gays moved up from The Village in the 80s. But that's okay...
--8th Ave & 20th St
Elderly well-dressed lady to other (in front of bong shop): This place looks good.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Philouza
And Drink Every Time They Say "Safety"
Tourist kid #1 (reading MTA sign): "Be prepared. Watch the safety video on www.mta.com."
Tourist kid #2: Ooh! Let's watch that when we get home!
--2 Train
Overheard by: Where are you from that considers that exciting?
Otherwise Known As Fat Cow Disease
Adorable little boy: Mommy, can I have a Hershey bar?
Mom: Yes.
Adorable little boy: I want this big one.
Mom: You can't have a candy bar that big...you might catch the obesity virus.
--Broadway & 2nd
When Home-Schooling Attacks!
(moon is covered by a cloud)
Five-year-old boy: Where is the moon?
Mom (looking everywhere): Once it's full it goes back to the beginning, so no moon tonight.
--86th & 5th
Overheard by: Stephanie
Calling Me on My Transparent Scam Like That
Homeless man to passengers: If you ever have any leftover food or drinks or whatnot, you can bring them to me at this address. (hands out business cards)
Suit: Umm... How'd you get the money to print out business cards?
Homeless man: Kiss my ass, give me that card back!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Christine
How Fox Decides What Shows Will Go to Syndication
Dad: King of the Hill?
Six-year-old daughter: Yeah!
Dad: Simpsons?
Six-year-old daughter: Yeah!
Dad: Alf?
Six-year-old daughter: Noooooooo.
--117th & Broadway
Which I Wear in a Full Windsor Knot
Black dude: Hey, I like your tie!
White kid: Thanks.
Black dude: Cause it's black, like my cock!
--21st St
The Earth Got So Fat That Nobody Loves It
Boy: When I was little I used to think that if the planet got heavy enough, it would start to fall.
Friend: You must have been pretty smart to even think that when you were a little kid.
Boy: But what if I still think that?
Friends: Then you're a dumb ass.
--C Train
Overheard by: Rafael DaSilva
Matching Sets Are All the Rage This Season
Ten-year old girl: Can I have another baby?
Mom: Um... No...maybe two.
--W 238th & Broadway
Overheard by: Krisztina, hoping to God they're talking about dolls
We Hope You Never Do
Teen girl #1: We have to go to 90th and Broadway.
Teen girl #2: So, that's only 30 blocks away.
Teen girl #1: No, it's 60 blocks.
Teen girl #2: Oh yeah, I was multiplying.
--LIRR
Not to Mention Spidey-Sense
Woman #1: So, how are you holding up?
Woman #2: You know, doing the best I can, using the five senses.
Woman #1: There's six senses.
Woman #2: No there's five: walking, talking, breathing, reading and writing.
Woman #1: What about seeing?
Woman #2: Well yeah, there's also fire, wood, air, and water; but I don't know why they don't count those.
--B68 Bus
Law and Order Finally Runs Out of Plot Scenarios
Mother on stoop: You need to get inside this house, now.
Fat 11-year old boy: Ten more minutes!
Mother: No, now.
Fat 11-year old boy (yelling): Ten! More! Minutes!
Mother: Don't make me call the cops!
--23rd & 4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Claire H.
Young Ahab Loses the Battle With the Great Brown Whale
Older brother: I just took the biggest shit in the bathroom I have seen in months. It started overflowing and I ran out.
Younger brother: Wow, I bet that thing put up a fight coming outta you, huh?
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Cody Smith
Which Cost Them the Cold War
White girl #1: Do you dance hip hop?
White girl #2: I'm too white for that.
White girl #3: I can dance and I'm white.
White girl #2: But you're Russian? Russian people don't have any black people.
--32nd & 5th Ave
Especially If You Have Long Nails
Law student in the middle of the hallway: I think I got her on the foot thing.
Friend: Yeah? Just don't push it too hard.
--Fordham Law School
Like, Ahmadinejad Unfabulous
Bottle blonde: Eww, listen to this: he asked me to have a threesome for his birthday.
Natural blonde: So are you going to do it?
Bottle blonde: Ewwwie! No.
Natural blonde: Yeah...that wouldn't be too fabulous.
--Washington Square Park
'He Sounds Oxycontinental', They Said
Actor: So that's how I screwed up my callback for Jersey Boys--I was on OxyContin.
Friend: Oh my god, that's like legal heroin!
Actor: I know, so I was all fucked up, but I didn't want to say anything. They probably wrote down "reads well, but sings with a very strange accent."
--A Train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
'Cause Johnny Still Hates Jazz
Man: Yo mama, what you readin'?
College girl: Jazz, by Toni Morrison.
Man: Oh that's cool. What's it about?
College girl: Music.
Man: What kind of music? Is that about opera and shit?
College girl: Ummm...
--E Train
Overheard by: Is that like Britney's music?
John and Alice Subtly Convey Their Sexual Predilections
Girl: I'm all jacked up on Mello Yello!
Guy: Oh yeah? Well, I'm the rug-master!
--E Train
Our Cryptic Idioms Are the Only Thing Setting Us Apart from the Pack
Short girl #1: So after my mom met my boyfriend she was all, "He seems a lot more interesting than you."
Short girl #2: Well, obviously. That's just our fruit to bear.
--NYU Alumni Hall Elevator
Overheard by: Philouza
Especially After the Mandatory Sex With Strangers
Tourist choir dude: You'll have to smoke.
Tourist choir chick: No, I won't.
Tourist choir dude: Yes, you have to smoke if you live here.
--Broadway & Wall St
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
There Really Are Better Methods of Contraception
Hipster white guy: You got mad abortion issues, yo!
Hipster white chick: Yeah.
--Motor City Bar
People Who Shouldn't Go to Japan
Average Joe: Short people are insufferable!
Shorter friend: Tell me about it!
--Bleecker St & Carmine St
Overheard by: Lezbotron
Headline by: Jane
Runners-Up:
· "...And They Have Limited Vocabularies and Will Agree With Anything" - Bob
· "I Thought I Just Did." - Katie
· "That Scene From "The Wizard Of Oz" Was Like Hell on Earth!" - space coyote
· "To Be Fair, He Did Reply in That High-Pitched Cackle" - Kenneth
· "Tom Cruise Is Refreshingly Self-Aware" - Meg
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Trafalgar Square?
Tourist #1: Oh, I think this is that famous intersection.
Tourist #2: Is it?
Tourist #1: Yeah, this is it.
--Times Square
Gosh, I Love Bible School Retreats
Teen girl #1 : I'ma get fucked up tonight...
Teen girl #2 : She didn't tell you what happened last time? (points at friend ) I was fucked up by 8 pm and don't remember shit, I woke up with someone else's shirt and no panties on.
--F Train
Overheard by: Frais
Then You'll Want to Avoid Temptation Alley
Slightly crazy woman: Am I going in the right direction to get to 7th Street?
Cop: What?
Slightly crazy woman: Am I going in the right direction to go to 7th Street?
Cop: Where are you coming from?
Slightly crazy woman: I'm coming from jail!
--Mulberry & Worth
Okay, "Divine Joy." But Close Enough
High school girl: On the internet, Nike will let you put your name on some dunks.
High school boy: They gonna let you put "hooker" on their shoe?
High school girl (pissed): I told you that ain't my name!
--W. 72nd Station
...While Zach Played a Gay Porn Star on SVU
Thug to baby momma: You see, what had happened was Zack Morris married Kelly Kaposki in Vegas.
Baby momma: That's what had happened?
Thug: Yeah, and then Kelly Kaposki changed her name and she stayed in Vegas.
--W. 117th & Lenox
Whatever Consenting Mammals May Do in the Privacy Of Their Own Stalls
Man #1: How about Jack the Horse?
Man #2: Jack the horse. Wait, Jack the Horse?
Man #1: Uhhhh...
Man #2: Jack like the verb? No way dude, not eating there.
--Jack the Horse Restaurant, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: avoid the hollandaise sauce
But Enough About My Chest
Asian girl: Oh my god, we had a physics quiz and I totally failed.
White girl: Wait, you mean like an Asian fail, right?
Asian girl: Yeah, I think I still have an A, but barely!
--NJ Transit
Apparently, Someone Has
Blonde hot guy: I hate Mary Poppins.
Girlfriend: Yeah, me too.
Blonde hot guy: Those people dancing around with broomsticks--they weren't even witches. Yeah, fuck them.
--N Train
Overheard by: Leonidas
Are You Calling Me Gay?
African American man: Seeing someone get laid out on the street is a real New York City stereotype. Like if you flew to Texas and you got picked up by a cowboy on a horse.
African American woman: More like if the plane was a pickup truck and you get dragged behind it.
--Q74 Bus
Jane Austen: Bitch, Please
Little girl looking at hobo: Mommy how do you get money if you don't have any?
Trophy mom: You just get married, honey.
--18th & Broadway
In the Advanced Class, You'd Chew Gum at the Same Time
(woman #1 is having trouble walking in her very high heels)
Woman #2: Are those shoes channel?
Woman #1: Yes they are.
Woman #2: Wow. For that price, they should teach you how to walk in them.
--Park Ave & 57th St
The Kindergarten Dating Scene Has Gotten So Competitive
Five-year-old boy: I Superman! I Superman.
Six-year-old girl: Who cares!
Five-year-old boy: I Superman! I Superman!
--Flatbush & Atlantic, Brooklyn
And Give Michael a Break--He's Only Seven
Red haired woman: Damn it, Michael forgot to pack my lunch again. I am so pissed at him! Arrrrgh!
Big boobed woman: Shhh...shhh... Just get lunch at the store.
Red haired woman: Do they got ribs at the store? Do they got ribs at the store, Portia?
Big boobed woman: You could ask. They have pork.
--A Train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
I Haven't Felt That Way Since Dorothy Threw the Bucket on Me
Professor, after student coughs: Yes. Yes. I'm just getting over my cold. You saw me! In the theater, I was a row ahead of you!
Student: Yeah...
Professor, with infinite sadness: I had a coughing fit. I...I just...melted. I melted.
--NYU
People from Manhattan Are Loud for Good Reason
Little girl: Daddy, why did that car just honk?
Father: Because they were from Jersey. (pause) People from Jersey are loud for no apparent reason.
--38th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Rosey
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