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But Did You Know I Love Opera and Abstract Expressionist Paintings?
Hobo #1: Man, I love being drunk.
Hobo #2: I know. You say that every day.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Frenchie
For Preppy Girls, Appearance Is the Only Reality
Preppy girl #1: I don't get it. She looks human.
Preppy girl #2: But she's not.
Preppy girl #1: But she looks human!
Preppy girl #2: But she's not!
Preppy girl #3: I get into your head and make you think I look human, but I'm not, really.
Preppy girl #1: Oh. So what do you guys want for lunch?
--Penn Station
Get Beat Up a Lot, Pencil Neck?
Tourist: Hi, what do we need to do to join the tour?
Tour guide: Well, there's an entrance exam.
Tourist: Really?
Tour guide: No. But based on this conversation, you would've failed.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Chuckles
And Help Me Apply This Cream
Girl, screaming: I'm STD free!
Hipster girl: Oh, stop bragging.
--Happy Ending Lounge
Overheard by:
Plain Living, High Thinking and Pilfered Cupcakes
(girl #1 is at the snack table, carefully wrapping cupcakes in napkins and putting them into her purse)
Girl #2 (looking at her): Graduate student?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Been there.
--House Party, Washington Heights
Overheard by: McFreaky
...I'll Invent My Own Science Fiction Religion
Christian pamphlet-wielder: Excuse me, would you like to learn about the rapture?
Exasperated 20-something: I swear, if I see one more of you beam-me-up ladies...
--Penn Station
To Be Fair, Skinny Jeans Are Much More Constrictive
Conductor #1: He's like "it doesn't bite!" I'm like "I know it doesn't bike...it constricts! The last thing I need is that thing getting loose and finding some four-year-old kid wrapped in a snake. You can get on, but Daisy stays on the platform.
Conductor #2: Who brings a snake out in public anyway?
--LIRR, Woodside station
Overheard by: I'm with the conductor on this one...
The Hokey Pokey Is Very Popular in New York
Boy in hat: You gotta remember, you have to squeeze the left nipple.
Girl: Ohhhhh. Of course.
--Bedford & 3rd
Overheard by: Ashley
At Least I Don't Have Pepperoni Stuck in My Beard
Girlfriend: Imagine the whole world was covered in pizza boxes. (pauses in deep though) That would be a lot of pizza boxes!
Boyfriend: You dumb.
--Colombia University Campus
And We Get to Be the Chosen People--Totally Worth It
20-something guy to date: Yeah, I had mine done by a real mohel.
20-something girl, awkwardly: Oh, really?
20-something guy: Yep, the guy's whole job is to go around chopping off babies' dicks.
--American Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: dream profession?
...Before He Spoils?
Middle-aged woman (excitedly): So I met a great 75-year old man!
Middle-aged man (also excitedly): Are you going to marry him?
--W 13th St b/w 5th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: NYU girl
I'm Sure It's a Fucking Triumph Of the Human Spirit
Bearish guy: Did I tell you I got a lead in a film?
Friend: No. Congratulations!
Bearish guy: Yeah, it's a bear film--but it's not a porn!
--23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Daniel
You're Thirty-Five, Sweetheart
Mom: You could have held the door for me, Tommy, that's what a man does.
Tommy: I'm a boy.
--Hallway, Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center
I'll Take "Lesbians Who Don't Love Their Girlfriends" for $200, Alex
Girl #1: Do you think I'm a loser?
Girl #2: What? No. Why?
Girl #1: I haven't gotten laid in like five months.
Girl #2: There's a guy traveling cross country to fuck you! I don't have that.
Girl #1: You got fucked by a porn star! More than once! And she wants to do it again!
Girl #2: We'll it's not like she's flying cross country just for that.
Girl #1: Have you asked her? She might.
Girl #2: Yeah right, I can't even get my girlfriend to come in from Jersey.
Girl #1: (pause) Ewww. Who wants to be in Jersey.
--Elephant & Castle, West Village
...Throw in Anal and We Could Probably Fingerpaint.
Guy (kissing his girl's neck, begging): C'mon baby, please?
Girl: I said "No."
Guy: Why not?
Girl: Because it gets too messy. I mean, I already have to keep washing all the pillows you cum on. Imagine the mess if I'm on the rag.
--R Train
Overheard by: Kim
Everything She Knows About Europe She Learned from Greek Tragedies
Male third grader: It's illegal to marry your sibling.
Female third grader: Yeah, unless you're from Europe.
--Bus
Overheard by: wishing i was still 8
What About a Cucumber in a Baggie?
Guy #1: You're getting a cape?
Guy #2: Yeah, I figure we can prop the hood up and make it like the reservoir.
Guy #1: You're either going to look like a giant penis in a condom or a Ku Klux Klan member in saran wrap.
--Costume Store, 11th & Broadway
Overheard by: brian
...Numbass
Woman #1 (searching for seat in crowded theater): Is this seat taken?
Woman #2: Oh, no sweetie, this one will make your butt cramp up. I keep tryin to sit in it but my leg keeps goin numb! It's such a bad butt cramp seat.
Woman #1: I'll take your word for it.
--Lowes Cinema, 3rd & 11th
French Fry Addictions Destroy Lives!
Girl to homeless man #1: Here is my leftover food, if you want it.
Homeless man #1: Thanks.
Homeless man #2: You stupid bitch, why don't you just give him crack?
--Waverly Place & Broadway
Overheard by: SJP
Well, You Once Told Me I Was the Best Part of Waking Up
Guy: I told my sister when I die, I want her to cremate me and put the ashes in coffee cans, so people will think they're coffee grounds and I'll be in their coffee.
Girl: You are so stupid.
--4th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Better than <a href=
When She Misbehaves, She Has to Tell the Maid to Clean Her Room
Mother: You sent 340 text messages and went over the plan. You owe me $10.
Daughter: Can I have $10?
Mother: Sure. (hands daughter $10)
Daughter: Here! (hands mother $10)
--Outside St. James Theatre
When "How Many Candy Corns Are in the Jar?" Stops Being a Fun Party Game
Guy: How many dicks can you fit in your vagina?
Girl: Umm, I'd say five.
--Fire Island
Overheard by: Pranav
That's Why You're in the Bathroom Line?
British girl: So, why are you here?
White British guy with headband, wearing an afghan: To spread joy throughout the world.
British girl: ...ah.
--E 15th St
Overheard by: Someone who certainly felt joy after overhearing this
It Seems Such a Small Thing to Ask
Wannabe goth guy: If you're gonna kill me, please don't cut off my dick. Just kill me.
Wannabe goth girl: I'm kinda psycho. I'm kinda psycho.
Wannabe goth guy: Just don't cut off my dick.
--A Train
Overheard by: Whubagong
Armani's New Overall Line Has Left Everyone Confused
Queer: I need to cut my fingernails. I keep meaning to get clippers, but then I forget.
Girl assistant: Why don't you just bite them?
Queer (offended): I am not a farmer!
--Queens
Overheard by: Jodi
This Leopard-Print Fannypack Is Just Style
Flyer guy: Want to see a comedy show? It's hilarious!
(passers-by ignore him)
Flyer guy: Okay, good talk.
Hipster girl: (giggles)
Flyer guy: Oh! You like laughing, want to see a comedy show?
Hipster girl: No. I'm not a fucking tourist, leave me alone.
--Times Square
Overheard by: not a tourist
I Thought We Agreed Never to Speak of That Again?
Boyfriend: Hey, you can't use my umbrella anymore!
Girlfriend: Fine, then you can't use my face cream.
--Food Emporium, 86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Drew Gutstein
Too Bad, Really--Chicks Dig the Feeding Tube
Guy #1, getting out of shower: Oh! Great news. I learned how to swallow!
Guy #2: That's fantastic!
--Locker Room, David Barton Gym
Overheard by: Baby steps
Think I Know How This One Ends...
50-something woman: Do you have baked goods?
Girl with empty wicker basket: Excuse me?
50-something woman: Baked goods. Where are you going with them?
Girl with empty wicker basket (slowly looking into basket and then back at woman): To grandmother's house.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Little Red Riding Ho
A Boy Can Dream
Gay guy: Do I have a dick on my face?
Fag hag: I don't think so.
--50th & 11th
Overheard by: Memory
We So Had That Idea First
Girl on computer #10: Damn, this dumb bitch wants to start her own prostituting company.
Girl on computer #9: What a dumb bitch.
--Library, Baruch College
Overheard by: jackieisawuesome
She's the Perfect Aperitif
Thug #1: So you know her, then.
Thug #2: No.
Thug #1: But you just said "that hot spic chick."
Thug #2: No, I didn't.
Thug #1: You did! You just called her "that hot spic chick!"
Thug #2: No, I said "that hot delicious chick." Because everyone's been talking about her.
--7th & Berry, Brooklyn
Overheard by: EthanK
Fine--Then Define "Ecological Fallacy," Brainiac
Professor: Stereotypes are generalizations about groups and individual members based primarily on membership in that group.
Black girl: We already know that!
--Baruch College
That Explains All Those Cuts on My Penis!
Dude #1: Oh, The Spiderwick Chronicles is out!
Dude #2 (in awe): Dude, did you see that?
Dude #1: Yeah, it was amazing!
Dude #2: Yeah? How were the graphics?
Dude #1: Dude--amazing!
Dude #2: Dude--you have braces!
Dude #1: Yeah, dude, I told you. God!
--Blockbuster
Overheard by: brianfair
Headline by: mike
Runners-Up:
· "And the Winner for Youngest Bro Of the Week Goes To...." - jumpstop
· "Ashton Kutcher Needs to Stop Producing Reality TV" - D. Emmy
· "Even Siskel & Ebert Had to Start Somewhere." - space coyote
· "Life Imitates Ashton Kutcher Films..." - Duuude
· "Someone's Getting Laid Tonight!" - lisa
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Right Before the Cautionary Chapter About Frosted Tips
Guy: I love porn. I've got XTube bookmarked.
Slightly older guy: You're a gay man in New York: of course you love porn. It's in the rulebook.
--42nd St, near Broadway
Brilliant!
Woman #1: I am coming perilously close to dehydration.
Woman #2: Okay. Let's go to Duane Reade.
Woman #1: Okay, but can you buy me a bottle of water? I have no money.
Woman #2: You're walking around with no money? What are going to do if you get robbed?
Woman #1: Give them my credit cards--everyone takes credit.
--Union Square Park
If Ann Coulter Can Do It So Many Times, Why Not?
Guy #1:So what did he die of?
Guy #2: HIV--and complications to rattlesnake venom. I gotta write a book, right?
--Chelsea Cinemas, 23rd St
Overheard by: Doug Bost
An Infestation of Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on phone: I am being nice, but I'm not going to describe to you in great detail what a bug looks like!
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: R&L
Man in zoot suit: When I talk, I don't want you bitches saying nothing! I only wanna hear the cockroaches fornicating on the walls!
--F Train
Overheard by: Reagan
Hipster: It was like watching a praying mantis have a seizure.
--16th & 8th
Wasted girl on sidewalk: No, I am so upset, I am so upset, I lost the back of my phone and there is a bug, a bug!
--11th & Broadway
Old lady: She looks pretty much like a roach.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like to Thank the Academy
Sassy eight-year-old to mother: You don't know Spanish except what you learned from Selena.
--2 Train
Chick on cell: Watching 27 Dresses in a cheetah robe...
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Virginia
Little boy, as his mother asks for directions: Great, we're lost in New York City. It's like Home Alone!
--Across from Spamalot Theatre
Fag to hag: Don't you remember that time on Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio told you not to just talk about it, but do it? He was gonna teach you how to spit like a man and ride a horse like a man, and then the ship sank and he died. This is your moment. Spit, woman, spit!
--Natural History Museum
(at a screening of The Shining)
Woman: Haha! How can a ghost open a door? This movie sucks!
--Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park
Thug to another: And she said she wanna go to the movies. And I said I don't wanna go to the movies, I want some pussy!
--57th & 9th
Overheard by: JPM
Panhandler on train: Please, I can't afford the rent at the YMCA because they just raised it. So if anyone has some money or some food or something to drink, it would really help me out. Jesus loves people who help poor people. Also, don't forget to see the new summer blockbuster Hellboy II. It's really great.
--F Train
Overheard by: JB
Wednesday One-Liners Are One Baaaad Mother-- Shut Yo' Mouth!
Cute JAP talking about all the stuff she gets: I don't need a man, I have my mom.
--Rare View Bar
Overheard by: white guy
Blonde girl to male friend: Listen, John. Fifteen minutes, your mom. Fifteen minutes, your mom.
--R Train
Annoying 40-something new mom: A good mom always has a diaper in her pocket!
--Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: I Am McLovey
Coworker: I got a bootleg mother.
--Midtown
Window-shopping tourist to wife: Look, honey! It's the dress your mother wore when they buried her!
--Union Square
Overheard by: CJ
Guy: I go over to the house for Mother's Day and she yells at me for not calling her for Mother's Day like my brother did. So I go outside and call her from my cell and say "happy Mother's Day!" and she yells at me for being an idiot.
--37th & 7th
Where in the World Are Wednesday One-Liners?
College girl: So, I'm thinking of going to France and/or, like, Europe.
--Penn Station
Confused tourist with map: Where's Chicago? Oh, right...that's here in New York City, right?
--Times Square
Guy with map in Tribeca (pointing ahead to the south): Okay, so Central Park should be this way...
--Tribeca
Wide-eyed tourist: Oh my god, we're in Central Park! Can you believe it?
--Riverside Park
30-something zoo patron to zoo employee: I thought Madagascar was just the name of a character in that movie.
--Madagascar Exhibit, Bronx Zoo
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Mangina Attack
Man in elevator on cell: Yeah. That's what I'm paying for, right? Next time just make sure it's a male to female.
--Elevator, Chelsea
Staten Island man to son: Okay, you have to be careful here. And don't touch any of the pretty ladies: the prettier they are, the more likely it's a man.
--1st & Houston
Middle aged woman to friend: Every morning I wake up and think I look more and more like Mrs Doubtfire.
--Union Square
Overheard by: mk
Guy in pink spandex to Victorian Gardens employee: Excuse me, where do the trannies hang out?
--Central Park
Preppy chick to friends: Did I ever tell you guys about the tranny I slept with?
--19th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Well-Dressed Indian Boy
Mom, in motherly voice, to crying four-year-old: Aww, what's the matter, did the little transvestite scare you?
--2nd & 72nd
Overheard by: Nancy
Pour Some Wednesday One-Liners on Me
Fireman on loudspeaker, as he drives by Magnolia Bakery in fire truck: It's just a cupcake!
--11th & Bleecker
Overheard by: Chris
Disappointed 20-something girl to girlfriends: Yeah, but they don't have chocolate covered penises there.
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Brookelyn
Large Italian guy: What happened to my tiramisu? That's what I want to know!
--LIRR to Penn Station
Girl covered in pink frosting on cell: There's frosting all over me!
--170th & Broadway
Overheard by: Poogins
Hipster guy on cell: Yeah, so the food was like chocolate and chorizo...mother fucking chocolate and chorizo... No, it was good... You should try it... Why not? Fuck veganism! Some website... Myjambi. M-y-j-a-m-b-i. Why chocolate? How should I know? It's for the website. Yes, the website! I don't know why the dog was there.
--28th & Park
Old woman to overweight woman: You look like you would know the answer to this... Where is a cupcake bakery around here?
--53rd & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Are Bursting with Fruit Flavor
Punk rocker to ghetto chick: Say...you ever been fucked by a smelly guy in a banana suit?
--J Train
Overheard by: Markthrone
Loud, laughing redhead on cell: Ha ha! I'll plant another pear tree, and that will be Tricia!
--W 57th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Brosef to girls (oddly aggressively): Which do you like more, bananas or oranges? Say it!
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Rooting for bananas
Guy on cell: Did you order the poster of the banana?
--Central Park
Overheard by: urbanadventurer
Overachiever mom to 5-year-old girl: No, I'm not saying that you have to have a piece of fruit. I'm saying that when we get there, you'll get to choose. It'll be your choice. You can choose fruit or you can choose a granola bar. (pause) Of course, fruit is the healthier choice.
--7th Ave & 26th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Heavily tattooed man: So we started playing this game. We shoved grapes up her ass, and she had to drop them in a martini glass.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Housey
My Sister's Roommate's Cousin Knows Wednesday One-Liner's Agent
Young thug in crooked baseball hat to female friend: No, everyone should have the right to love Tom Cruise.
--41st & Lexington
40-something Midwest tourist to 40-something friends: Yeah, this is where Miley Cyrus was staying. (points to Sheraton hotel, friends gasp in excitement)
--53rd & 7th
Tourist son to mom: Let's go to the park and watch Jerry Seinfeld play softball.
--67th & Central Park West
Overheard by: Q
Random guy outside on corner: Yo, I just saw Phil Donahue. I just saw him walking down the street... (starts to sing in Cops theme song style) Whatchu gonna do when Phil Donahue comes for you? (pause) Yo, Phil Donahue is a crazy motherfucker!
--Astoria Boulevard, Queens
Girl on cell: Yeah, but I tower over him when I wear heels...and I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready to be Katie Holmes to his Tom Cruise.
--33rd & Broadway
Woman: Everywhere I go, I see either someone I know or a celebrity!
--69th & Columbus
Little boy to mother: Oooh...I thought Malcolm X was a singer.
--Flatbush & Beekman
Overheard by: Chelsea
Wednesday One-Liners Enjoy a Stay in the Graybar Hilton
Conductor on train: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the person who is annoyingly pressing the buzzer please direct him to a conductor so they can be arrested and we can all go home.
--Metro North Train
Overheard by: Allison
Hobo: Now you're going to give me a quarter sir, and then I'm going to arrest you.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Eric
Guy on cell: Mike is getting his crazy ass released? For real? (pause) He's paying taxes?! Thug!
--M Train
Teenybopper: I'm going to jail tonight, I don't care. I'm gonna fuckin' kill that bitch!
--30th b/w 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: eavesdropper
Prospective employee to another: I can't believe she tells me how to fill out the fingerprint card! I've been done hauled to the precinct so many times...
--Elevator, Midtown Building
Ghetto mama: Why somebody call me from prison gotta be my husband? Hell no, that nigga is past tense!
--54 Bus
What What (In the Wednesday One-Liners)?
Russian woman to fat guy (after he yelled at her): Escooz me, cood you please poot your ass out of ze vindow so I can seet? (fat guy remains seated)
--B1 Bus
Overheard by: Robert
Gay: Your ass looks great! Have you started bottoming?
--Christopher St Pier
Young kid: 14th Street, like her ass on my face.
--Union Square Subway Station
Overheard by: Pza
20-something gay suit: My butt always causes friction.
--Elevator, Midtown Building
Sorority hungover girl talking about birth: I came out ass first, isn't that typical?
--Denny's
Guy to chick: We will use your ass as a presentational ass.
--Weight Room, Coles Gym
Overheard by: Ladle
Teen girl to friend: I feel like my butt just came off. You ever feel like that?
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Alison
Wednesday One-Liners Heart Meerkats
Pretty 20-something girl: I might reconsider if there is a horse involved.
--Manhattan Beach
Overheard by: The Tutors
Girl to friend: Look at sociology. Look at the animals. That totally explains it. It is just like the animals, sociology explains everything.
--West 4th & Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Darci
Woman to man: Because I'd really like to understand what makes a good toreador and what makes a bad toreador.
--70th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Lisa B.
Girl who was just handed an anti-bird-porn flyer: I have never even seen birds mating. Now I am intrigued.
--Hair Rush Line Central Park
Overheard by: Krysta
Pet store clerk to customer: I don't know what flavor it is. It's turtle food. It's what they eat.
--Flushing Petland Discount
Park janitor to pigeons: I need all's you guys to be flappin' yo' wings and help me be cleanin' up these leaves. (pigeons coo, janitor starts cooing with them)
--Clinton & Congress, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Was a good impression
Wednesday One-Liners, the People's Chariot
Ghetto fab bus driver : Hello and good morning. Welcome to the Bolt Bus, my name is Jacques and I'm going to be your operator today. We do appreciate your business. Well, I appreciate your business. For my nails. Getting my hair done. Yeah.
--BoltBus
Overheard by: Julie and Mark The Snob
Bus driver (as bus leaves Lexington stop): The stop after this stop will be the next stop.
(as bus turns into Central Park) Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop will be Central Park West. Please have your passports ready.
--Crosstown Bus
Bus driver over intercom (as bus passes Unisphere): Oh, everyone's from New York? Then y'all already know this spot! I can't tell you nothing! Bye.
--Shuttle Bus, Flushing Meadows Park
Conductor: Good morning! This is the bus dispatcher. It's a sunny 78 degrees on a beautiful Wednesday! I'm happy to report the bus lanes inbound to New York are slicing through traffic like a hot knife through butter! Enjoy your day, control center, out.
--NJ Transit Bus
Overheard by: Jerzey...CloseEnough
Conductor: Alright folks, remember to keep cool today and drink plenty of water. I recommend ya'll eat some Honey Nut Cheerios. Honey Nut Cheerios will make ya'll nicer to each other. Stay away from that bacon and eggs. Too hot. Yes, Honey Nut Cheerios. Have a nice day.
--B61 Bus
Overheard by: should have eaten breakfast
He'd Stuff Your Pockets With Third World Babies
Dork #1: Dude, I think I just saw Brad Pitt!
Dork #2: What? Where?
Dork #1: Over there on the bench! It's him!
Dork #2: No way!
Dork #1: Yes it is! It's Brad Pitt!
Dork #2: I don't believe you! Why don't you go ask him?
Dork #1: Dude, you just don't go up to someone and ask if they're Brad Pitt.
--Columbia University
...and Offered the Same Job at Minimum Wage
Black chick #1: How mad was she?
Black chick #2: She's as mad as if she was just let out of slavery yesterday.
--Aveda Salon, Upper West Side
Pop Quiz: Which One's Using "Sandwich" As a Euphemism?
Hipster #1: Every time I sleep with your mom she makes me half a sandwich.
Hipster #2: She makes me a low-fat sandwich.
Hipster #1: A half a sandwich is a low-fat sandwich.
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Quarter Sandwhich
Makes Me Feel As Warm and Tingly As a Yeast Infection
Post grad #1: Can't you just come work at planned parenthood with me?
Post grad #2: No, I just need to become a prostitute to make ends meet. Oh my god! Then I could come to planned parenthood to have all my STDs treated!
--105st & Amsterdam
This Can Only End in a Duel
Train conductor: Mr Raymond Johnson, if you're looking for your wife, she's in car #6604.
Random guy: With me!
--2 Train
A Pork Chop? A Mercedes?
Bum, to smoking cater waiter: Can I get a smoke?
Cater waiter: (nods saying "no")
Bum, pulling a cigarette out of his ear: Then, can I get light?
Cater waiter: (lights it)
Bum: Can I get five bucks?
--14th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Where's your sense of rhythm?
Such a Great Country in Which to Be Homeless
Blonde chick: Where do you want to get brunch?
British boyfriend: I don't care, anywhere really...
Hobo in Saudi head wrap: Ahh, the youth of America, just shopping and fucking!
--Carmine & Bedford
Overheard by: Maggie
Consumers of Popular Culture Are Also Its Victims
Hispanic guy: Oh, it's just a fag.
Hispanic chick: What?
Hispanic guy: I thought it was Jason Bourne.
Hispanic chick: You thought Jason Bourne was gonna come after us?
Hispanic guy: Yeah... Hey, look--it's another tattoo place! Tonight's the night!
Both together (singing): Tonight's the night!
--Stanton & Norfolk
I Don't Really Think You Have the IQ of a Semi-Retarded Iguana
Girl, as train stops: What did you just say?
Guy : ...oh. Did I say that out loud?
--B Train
Overheard by: mayafied
And You Already Get Mocked by Saleswomen When You Try to Shop
Girl: So I decided that from now on, I'm not kissing anyone on one night stands.
Queer (gasping): That's so Pretty Woman!
--A Train
Laugh While You Can, Stupid Americans! Oh, Sorry...
Arabic professor: "Qadam" means foot. How do you say more than one foot?
Male student: Feet.
(class laughs)
Arabic professor: In Arabic.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Krisztina
Should We Stop Moonwalking?
Ditz #1: Ugh, Union Square could not be further away right now.
Ditz #2: I know.
--12th St & University
Overheard by: Jesse D
But Noooo, the City's All, "Boo Hoo, We're Secular Humanists!"
Pissed dude on train: You know, it'd be a lot harder for people to hold the doors if they were razor sharp.
Friend: That's not funny.
Pissed dude: I'm just saying people might hold the doors less if were going to lose a limb every time.
--F Train
Doesn't Explain the Colonel Sanders Suit, Though
British chick: Do you think that you have an accent?
American guy: I've moved around a lot, so I've got a pretty basic American dialect. I've got a bit of a southern drawl, but that's more because I'm lazy.
--R Train
She Says I Have to Stop Doing That at Parties
Girl #1: Cause our school gets to have three day field trips, but my mom never lets me go cause she's afraid I'll get raped, robbed, killed, or something like that. It's so unfair!
Girl #2: You tell her, "mom! I'm grown up! Look at my breasts!"
--49th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Potato
We're on the Verge of a Liberal Education Here
Student #1: What does "NB" stand for, at the end?
Student #2: Tuberculosis.
Student #1: That's "TB", idiot.
--Newman Vertical Campus, Baruch College
Overheard by: I thought that stood for TELLYtuBBies!
I May Have Overlooked the Free Beating I'm About to Administer
7-year old looking at toy ad: I want this and this...
Dad: Do you have money to buy them? Because I am not going to, and nothing in life is free.
7-year old: What about those papers you take every morning from that man? You don't pay him.
(dad goes quiet)
--5 Train
Overheard by: Guy
Boy Parts and Girl Names: Hot, Hot, Hot!
Girl #1: So, seriously, his name is Meredith? Like "A Boy Named Sue?" Seriously?
Girl #2: Yeah, seriously, it's like that show... The one with, you know, the guy, and that's his name... You know, that show we watched last night.
Girl #1: Yeah, that show, with the hot guys?
Girl #2: Yeah, seriously hot.
Girl #1: Seriously.
--6 Train
Overheard by: I don't think they were serious
Really the Best Way to Put Conflict in Perspective
Hobo #1: Stop playing your fucking drum, I hear it all the way over here.
Hobo #2: I was here first, motherfucker!
Hobo #3: You guys, why can't you just play together?
Hobo #2: Nah, fuck you man! Stay out of it!
Hobo #3: You should die. You gonna die. Tonight!
Hobo #2: Are you threatening me, man?
Hobo #3 (laughing): Nah, man, I'm just a shoe shiner, but you're seriously gonna die.
--Washington Square
Overheard by: Highstein
You'd Get Tired Of Them in a Week, Same As the Rest of Us
Little girl, happily: And that's why I want to die.
Father, laughing: Why's that?
Little girl: So I can join the Grateful Dead!
--City Hall
Like Michael Jackson.
Asian to another: And it's like, how many ABCs are there at NYU these day?
Girl to friend, once off train: What's an ABC?
Friend: Asian by Choice?
--F Train
It's Like Riding a Moped... Fun Till Your Friends See You
Overweight effeminate guy: Listen, if I'm gonna have sex with a fat chick, no one is gonna know about it.
Fag hag: Well, what's the point if no one will ever know?
--W Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Dopeman
Headline by: winona
Runners-Up:
· "For the Tax Deduction." - KJM
· "I Prefer My Charitable Donations to Be Anonymous" - Give'til it hurts
· "It Builds Character?" - Underweight effeminate guy
· "See If the Judge Will Take It As Your Community Service" - Kenneth
· "Shake Your Harpoon and Say, "Thar, She Blew Me"" - Professor Coldheart
· "Why Billy Wasn't Able To Stay in the Closet for Very Long" - J
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Chris Throws a Wrench Into Mommy's Plans for His Future
Kid, in stroller: What's that?
Mom: A plumber truck.
Kid: A plumber truck?
Mom: Uh-huh.
Kid: I wanna be a plumber truck!
--7th & Atlantic, Brooklyn
Overheard by: concerned for the future
Tonight's Lesson: Making Long Island Iced Teas
Aunt: Do you know what you are being?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Does it start with a b?
Child: Maybe.
Aunt: Your father calls me that all the time, you can say it...I give you permission.
Child: No.
Aunt: Is it a female dog?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Come, tell me...is it "bitch?"
Child: Yeah, I'm a being a bitch.
--Isabella's, 81st St
Overheard by: Gerald T Reiner Jr.
Kiefer Sutherland Had Us All Fooled
Loud Latina #1: He was just, like, just so gross. He was all like, "Nobody loves me and my life is so lame."
Loud Latina #2: Really? I didn't get that from him. I got, you know, "Hey, I'm a typical white guy."
--Columbia University
Overheard by: anna
There's a Ribbon Tied Around My Penis to Help Me Remember
Guy #1, reading Post: This is why I drink! I drink to forget this shit!
Guy #2: I used to drink to forget. Now I just pee to remember.
--Sin Sin Bar, East Village
Overheard by: Alan Roberts
I Think You Just While-You-Were-Outed Yourself
Hipster #1 (after five minutes of riding in silence): I so wanna fuck Chayse Dacoda.
Hipster #2: You've just gotten so weird since you got cable.
--F Train
And All That Blue
WASP to stodgy husband, after Blue Man Group performance: So how'd you like it?
Stodgy husband (grunting): Fine, except for the excessive noise.
--Astor Theatre, SoHo
Overheard by: ysabet
He's More Liver-Spotted Than Truly Brown
Old woman #1: Oh, the Brown lady...
(old woman #2 stares, horrified)
Old woman #1: Her husband is Brown. (long pause) The surname.
Old woman #2: Ohhhh...
--10th & 3rd
Vanessa Had Been Blessed with a Hobo Fairy Godmother
Woman screaming into cell: I hate fucking with you!
Man loitering near by scaffolding: Yo ma! Cut him loose. There's a million men in New York City.
--125th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Tizz
Probably Out Looking for Pussy for Me
Hobo #1: So then she said she just wanted to be friends, and I was like, "What do you mean by "friends?" Like shake-hands friends? Cause I don't need friends to shake hands with. I'm looking for pussy."
Hobo #2: Haha, what did she say?
Hobo #1: Well, I dunno, she hasn't called back yet.
--Union Square
I've Become Negligent in My Negligence
Stoner #1: Oh my god!
Stoner #2: What?
Stoner #1: I forgot to quit my job today!
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Rachel
But Only Certain Kinds of Love
Sorority girl #1: Maybe Italy is, like, the city of love...
Sorority girl #2: No. That's Virginia.
--Wagner College
You Also Thought That About Abraham Lincoln
Dumb chick #1: What are those Jewish people with the curls called?
Dumb chick #2: I think they're called "aesthetic Jews." Or "hestetic Jews."
Dumb chick #1: Oh. I though they were Amish.
--Elevator, Midtown Building
Overheard by: I know what they're called
Or the Email I Sent You. Or the Registered Letter
Girl: Dad, I know what we are getting mom for Hanukkah.
Dad: What?
Girl: New mascara, hers is getting lumpy.
Dad: I think she deserves more than that.
Girl: If you want to see what I want, you can look at the folder on my desktop.
--86th & 3rd Ave
That Does Explain Your Consistently Bad Breath
Jersey chick: Is it weird that I want to put it in my mouth?
Guy: Yes.
Jersey chick: I just like want to put it in my mouth to see its consistency.
--NYU
Overheard by: Jesse D
What Men Think Women Talk About All Day
Girl: I really like your Uggs.
Other girl: I like my jugs too.
--Forever 21, Outside Penn Station
Overheard by: i like them too
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