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At Least Use the "United Negro Pizza Fund" Line
Panhandler: Are there any Christians here who could help me out? Any Christians who can spare just one penny? (no one gives him any money, so he goes to next car)
Panhandler (muttering) I can't believe there's not one Christian who'll help me out.
Man standing nearby (yelling): Amateur!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Iris K
Like a Squirrel, I Need to Hoard Nuts
Girlfriend: The last thing on the list is pantyhose.
Boyfriend: Pantyhose? I didn't know you wore pantyhose.
Girlfriend: I don't in the summer, because summer is the time to be free and relaxed, but now it's cold and I need to keep warm.
Boyfriend: If you are so free and relaxed in the summer, why are we having sex more now?
Girlfriend: Because now it's cold and I need to keep warm.
--Duane Reade
I Plan to Eat Some Later While Watching The Lake House
Baby face cop #1: I don't know...I'd like to use the mini marshmallows in mine.
Baby face cop #2: Yeah, I guess so, cutting up the big ones is just a pain in the ass.
Baby face cop #1: Yeah, but still that ambrosia recipe is way better!
--Elevator in Courthouse
Word to Your Mom
Middle aged white woman on cell: Okay, mom. Go back to watching Snoop. Yeah, I know you love him. Okay, have fun watching the D-0-double g! Bye.
Random passerby: Best. Conversation. Ever.
--Upper West Side
See My "I'm a Dick" Cufflinks?
High school teen: Excuse me, do you know where the F train is?
Rich suit: Yeah...you can probably tell that I don't take the subway.
--Union Square
Overheard by: you're probably sleazy too
Not One of Those Kenyan Italians
Brooklyn girl #1: He was more Italian than regular DJs?
Brooklyn girl #2: He was European Italian.
--Bay Ridge
Overheard by: not italian or a dj
What Happens When Your Brain Snap Crackle Pops
Girl #1: This morning, when I peed, it smelled like Rice Krispie treats...
Girl #2: Ooh, yum! Let's make some!
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Guess Who Went to Preschool Boot Camp
Girl: Can we call a truce? Can we just say we won't bring this up again?
Guy: Well, you're the one who brought it up before.
Girl: That is bringing it up again!
--Chelsea Flea Market
Overheard by: Mike
I Told You to Stop Referring to Public School Students That Way
College girl #1: So how did she get into Berkley?
College girl #2: She's probably really smart...and she works with the mentally retarded.
--A Train
Overheard by: AB McNeely
Bill Cosby Started Out the Same Way
Girl #1: Oh, I like your sweater!
Girl #2: Oh, thanks, my mom gave it to me. You know it's funny, she gave it to me a few months ago because she said New York winters are cold and I have nothing that's wool. I was like, "Mom, you cannot seriously expect me to wear this for real." Last week I wore it as a joke, but then everyone was like "That sweater is so cool!" so now this time I'm wearing it for real.
Girl #2: Good decision.
--Classroom, Fordham University
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
And I Always Get Stuck with the Bill
Frustrated looking suit: Okay, well, how about the duck? It looks good.
Vapid looking hottie: I told you! I do not eat seafood!
--Gramercy Tavern, Union Square
Then Me First, Bitch
Young guy, trying to allow older woman to get in line first: Ladies first.
Old woman: I'm not a lady.
Young guy: Oh.
--Office, 54th & 6th
Overheard by: Biscuit-lover
I Heart NY. Now More Than Ever.
(girl flips off hecklers in a car)
Guy in car: Oh yeah, sweetie? Why don't you stick that up your ass?!
Girl: Maybe if I made it into a fist you'd want to stick it up yours.
--30th Ave, Astoria
Homeless Like a Fox!
Lady, bumping into hobo: So sorry.
Hobo: Do that again! Bump into me again! I'll show you just how homeless I am!
--A Train
The Sudden Onset Of Lesbianism Is Common in New York
Yuppie woman #1: What are those, like, Birkenstocks?
Yuppie woman #2: Yeah.
Yuppie woman #1: Who are you?
Yuppie woman #2: I don't know.
Yuppie woman #1: Are you feeling okay?
Yuppie woman #2: I don't know.
--Fashion District
He's Actually a Rich Mocha
Suit: Yeah, that new Brown guy is on my team.
Black woman suit: Umm...
Suit: Brown, the school...not skin color.
Black woman suit (turning into fabulous ghetto black women): Ohh, okay. Good thing--there was about to be a whole lotta ugly up in here.
--Times Square
Remember That Seinfeld Episode?
Guy #1: Oh, hey, Dan is back in New York now!
Guy #2: Yeah, actually I was over at his house this past weekend.
Guy #1: Did you get to see the baby?
Guy #2: I did get to see the baby.
Guy #1: Well? How was the baby??
Guy #2: The baby would have been adorable if it was a boy, but...unfortunately...
--20th St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: Bridget
Let's Review: Rude, Okay; Racist, Not Okay
Black guy who just walked in: Excuse me, sir, have you been waiting for the train long?
White guy reading newspaper (with an Obama sticker on his bag): Sorry, I don't have any spare change.
Black guy: What?
--1 Train
Jason Learns He's on Emily's Friend Track
7th-grade Asian girl: Well, it's a long journey to finding your soulmate.
7th-grade Asian boy: Yeah, I know.
7th-grade Asian girl: It's okay, we'll try again some other day.
--Q17 Bus
Overheard by: Susie
The Lightbulb Moment That Would Change Peter's Life Forever
20-something chick: I still think the dog toy looks like a butt plug.
20-something guy: If there is such a thing.
20-something chick, with shocked face: Are you serious? Yes, there are butt plugs.
20-something guy: For what?
20-something chick: For people.
20-something guy: For *what*?
20-something chick: Nevermind.
20-something guy: No! Tell me! For *what*?
--Dallas BBQ, Chelsea
Overheard by: Saaaandwich?
It's $10 Extra If You'd Prefer Dragon's Pee
Customer getting tattooed: What's in that spray bottle?
Tattooer, holding bottle that says "soap" on it: Unicorn milk.
--13th Street
Overheard by: res
Let's Just Go to Prada and Pet the Leopard Print
Five-year-old girl: Mommy! Taking the train is fun! It's like going to the zoo! (points to several rats on the tracks)
Mother: Yes darling, just remember it's not a petting zoo! (frantically pulls her daughter away from the platform).
--Pacific St N Line
It's Like She Doesn't Think It's Our Business!
Waitress with thick accent: Jennifer Lopez, she pregnant again?
Hostess with equally thick accent: Yes, think so.
Waitress: She never tell anyone!
Hostess: I know, she keeps secret.
Waitress: She go on the talk show. They ask her all the questions. "Are you going to have a baby?" All she do is laugh. She just laugh! She never says anything! She never answers!
--Lindy's Resteraunt
Overheard by: Chloefron
To Be Fair, the Nun's Habit Tends to Throw a Person Off
Chick #1: Did you make out with a hooker?
Dude: I didn't *make out* with anyone!
Chick #2: Did you seventh-grade kiss a hooker?
Chick #1: Did you seventh-grade *think* about kissing a hooker?
Dude: I didn't even know she was a hooker until twenty minutes into our conversation!
--F Train
What Happens When You're Conceived During Doggy-Style
NYU chick #1: What kind of dog is that one? (points towards woman with a bundle in her arms)
NYU chick #2: That's a baby.
--59th St
Overheard by: Kate
How Come Math Majors Are Always the Slowest to Understand This Concept?
Nerdy guy: I don't understand what the significance of the number 69 is. Can someone explain it to me?
Girl: You go to NYU and you don't know that?
(nerdy guy shakes his head)
Girl: To put it bluntly, it's two people giving each other head.
Nerdy guy: Wait, but what does that mean?
Girl: Oh my god...I can't tell you that now. You're the most innocent guy here. It would be like killing a unicorn.
--Kimmel Center, NYU
Or Paid a Hobo to Do It
Drunk and disorderly woman: Joshua! What the fuck?! (gives him a clumsy punch) Oh my god! This shit's not gonna come off!
Sober male companion: I don't know what you're flipping out about. You would've just licked it off your arm anyway.
--Ave U & W 7th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kris S.
Bust a Lawyer in Her Ass
Short Latina: ...and you know what, if she keeps on doing what she doing, I'm a put a sue on her.
Fat Latina: Mmm-hmmm!
--100th & Lexington
As Opposed to All the Non-White People on Growing Pains?
Old black guy #1: Have you heard from Sheryl lately?
Old black guy #2: Yeah, she married a white boy.
Old black guy #1: Damn.
Old black guy #2: There ain't nothing wrong with white boys! She married Alan Thicke's son!
Old black guy #1: She married Alan Thicke?
Old black guy #2: No, man...Alan Thicke's son!
Old black guy #1: Wait, which one is Alan Thicke?
Old black guy #2: He's that white-ass nigga from Growing pains!
Old black guy #1: Damn!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jess
Nobody's Snugger Than a Bugger in a Rugger
Shady guy rolling an oriental rug on a hand truck: New rug! Good price I give you!
Couple standing outside: Nah, that's okay.
Shady guy: It's brand new! You can make love on it!
--Madison Ave & 28th St
Overheard by: Marie Z.
The Wrong Way to Acquire Insight
Pretty girl: So are the fries here good?
Foreign cashier: Yes, de fries here--they are like your eyes. They are very beautiful. You will not forget de taste.
Pretty girl: Oh, thank you...
Foreign cashier: Yes, you eat de fries, I eat your eyes. Yes!
--Burger Joint, The Village
And They Can Afford to Breed With You
Female law student in interview suit: I just get along with older white guys. We click. Women, younger guys, no so much.
Fellow law student: That's because you're fertile.
--Fordham Law School
After She Retired from Cosby, Stills, and Nash
Middle aged woman #1: I saw that woman of The Cosby Show near Wall Street yesterday.
Middle aged woman #2: Wow, you did not! Which one?
Middle aged woman #1: Whoopi Goldberg--the one that was married to Bill Cosby in the show!
Middle aged woman #2: Oh yeah, I remember her. I think she changed her name to Whoopi Cosby now.
--A Train
Overheard by: Dora Olafsson
They Can Breathe Through Their Skin
Boy #1, watching hobo who is asleep on the train: That motherfucker looks dead. I don't think he's breathing.
Boy #2: He doesn't need to breathe, he's a ninja.
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Daniil
Shaneequa's Stint As the Fruit of the Loom Grapes Was Not Looked Upon Kindly
Black chick #1: I was like, "Damn, what hood did you come from?"
Black chick #2: I don't know no hood where people be wearin' purple tights.
Black chick #1: She just needs to get some dick. Imma tell her dat the next time I see her.
--Pace University
Overheard by: Meg-Tron
Back Up-- You're from the South?
Upset man: Wow, you lied to me about everything. I don't know anything about you. (pause) Is there anything you didn't lie to me about?
Liar girl: Just one thing, I really am from Georgia.
Upset man: (eyes widen)
Liar girl: And I don't have an STD! Seriously! No, really. Seriously.
--Cafe Orlin, East Village
Wednesday One-Liners See London and France
30-something guy to another: She works for Sesame Street so she gets a lot of free underwear.
--Brooklyn Label, Greenpoint
Girl: Yeah, dude. She wasn't wearing any underwear so everyone was trying to pull down her skirt!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Mollie
Tourist mom in matching pink jumpsuit, struggling with too many children: Oh my Jesus, I wore the wrong thong today!
--42nd St
Overheard by: Emily
Puzzled hipster on cell: Wait...how did wearing a thong fuck up her eye?
--7th St & Ave A
Hipster girl on cell: Did you get your underwear? Lindsey! Goddamn it! "Eat" sounds nothing like "get!" Fuck! What? Fuck you, bitch! Taste of my own medicine, bullshit! I heard nothing about gnawing on my own underwear!
--Baskin-Robbins, Mulberry
Overheard by: Hana
Very blond mother pushing baby carriage, on cell: I don't care, we've talked about this! Don't fucking touch my underwear!
--20th St & 7th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Think of It As "Well-Traveled"
Hipster guy to hipster chick: ...and he's like, "I didn't come; why is there so much come all over?" And she's like, "Oh, you're number 23." So he's like, "Oh, okay." And he starts pounding away again!
--Bedford & 11th, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Woman, with her mouth about an inch from a guy, about to kiss him: I can't, I already had sex with three guys today.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Derek
Girl to friend: I'm really worried about her. I think she has a serious case of slutism.
--66th & Columbus
Preppy girl on cell: Yeah, so apparently "Happy hour Tuesday" equals "Walk of shame Wednesday." I just wish I could've been working at my job for more than a week before I walked in reeking of shame and spermicide. (pause) Actually, I wish the spermicide thing was true. Then I wouldn't have to drop $50 bucks today on plan B.
--Wall St
Teenage boy on cell: She's still sleeping with my brother. I mean, my brother is sleeping with like ten other girls...but she's in his regular rotation.
--Starbucks, Montague Street
NYU student on cell: But logic doesn't call you back. Logic sleeps with you and leaves in the morning.
--Kimmel Center
Wednesday One-Liners Forget the Safe Word
Tall 30-something: With my corporate job, I couldn't afford a studio at $1,850 per month, so then I became a dominatrix. But after a while, it takes over your life. You end up thinking "Well, I don't have anyone to beat up today, I'll just online shop." So I had to stop."
--54th St & 10th Ave, in Line for The Daily Show
Man on phone: Oh...but I thought you said to leave $500 for you to pick up. (pause) I'm sorry mistress...I'm sorry mistress.
--Broome b/w Mercer & Greene
Guy on cell in line for NJ transit bus: Call me daddy. Call me daddy! Now slap that ass. I can't hear that, slap that ass harder! Yeah, that's what I like.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Eric
Woman on cell: I'm going to spank you. Can I do that?
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: shelallie
Enthusiastic guy to friends: I probably could've whipped better today.
--Midtown
Overheard by: Eric
Six-year-old girl to little boys wrestling: Guys, why don't you to it to me? ...cuz I don't care. My stomach hurts already. Guys, why don't you push me down? Because I like it!
--Central Park
Overheard by: nosey nafia
Wednesday One-Liners ... For Me to Poop On!
Girl yelling at guy wearing ridiculously oversized shorts: Eat my shit out the toilet! Stew my shit and eat it!
--109th & Manhattan
Random girl: The only thing is, you have to flush your own toilet paper.
--Brooklyn Botanic Garden
Overheard by: the old fashioned way
Teenager: So then I pooped my pants, and my belt buckle exploded!
--Fulton Street
Overheard by: The Lane Train
10-year-old boy walking with his mom and sister: I'm a good guy. I don't pee on the floor. Or doo doo.
--Broadway, Astoria
Teen on cell: Alright, I'm gonna go home. I gotta clean up some poop.
--49th & 3rd
Girl: He called me last night and said he wanted to see me! When the maid knocked on the door I thought it was him and I thought, "I think I have to poop!"
--Milford Hotel Lobby
Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul
Six-year-old girl to middle-aged passenger: Well, I'm Jewish, but my parents are Aries. So I'm not really sure what that makes me.
--Amtrak
Overheard by: half Jewish, half Gemini
Guy: Oh, I know Jewish girls give good head!
--81st & Amsterdam
Awkward Catholic boy: These days there are more Jews in New York than Israel...and they all worship Barbara Walters as their Spider Queen.
--Steps of The Met
(outside the Marionette Theater's showing of Jack and the Beanstalk)
Four-year-old: Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of a Jewish man.
--Outside the Marionette Theatre, Central Park
Drunk guy inside German bar, pointing at small guy with a jewfro: Juden!
--German Beer Garden, Williamsburg
Overheard by: POLA
Woman on cell: Well, he wasn't as forthcoming with me as he is with you, probably because I keep telling him to stop dating that fat Asian girl and find himself a nice Jewish girl instead ...
--Broadway & Prince
The Devil Wore Wednesday One-Liners
Man on phone: Well, I got a shirt but it wasn't quite what I was looking for, so I'm gonna go to Whole Foods and get some breadsticks.
--Astor Place
Older, bespectacled white male at table with wife: Motherfuckin' tube socks...
--Jazz Standard, 27th & Park
Overheard by: V
6'6" man (earnestly): Honestly, if I were Hillary, I would never wear a pantsuit! You know what I mean?
--Bellevue Hospital
Overheard by: Ingwall
Cracker: I hate fighting rastas. Man, I really do. It's those hats...you never know what they're hiding in those fuckin' hats!
--Marcy & Broadway
Man: Do you realize you just offended a man carrying an organic tote bag?
--6 Train
Overheard by: wb
Barfly to bartender: Is that your belt or a wrinkle in the fabric of time?
--Thirsty Scholar, 2nd Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: Jas
Wednesday One-Liners Are Shameless Pecker Checkers
Suit on cell: I said to him, "If I had my dick out on the bar, you think she wouldn't look at it?" and he kept telling me I owed her an apology, so I said, "Sweetheart, sorry I looked at your pussy." Listen, I gotta get off the train now. I'll call you back.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Pasty
Guy standing at lowered urinal to guy standing at regular height urinal: The low urinal is for the guys with big dicks, so they don't bottom out.
--Roc Restaurant
Guy to group of friends (boisterously): I only date chicks with small hands...makes my dick look huge!
--St. Andrews Bar
Overheard by: allimax
Woman (screaming into phone): Suck my dick, bitch!
--Near Manhattan Mall
Guy shouting into cell: We got a cab. And you can eat a dick.
--Hanover & Water
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because some dick is holding the door. We will be moving when the dick takes his arm out the door.
--4 Train
Overheard by: jessie
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Jaywalk, They Strut
Old lady crossing the street waiting for cars to pass: C'mon people, shake a leg. (cars pass) Thank you very much.
--80th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peg
Woman leading tour group across 8th Ave: Okay people, walk quickly and walk with purpose. When the red hand stops the light changes and you will be hit by a car.
--54th & 8th
Overheard by: James
Female tourist to her friend: Why is everyone crossing the street when the light is red?
--Times Square
Girl Scout in uniform: No, it's okay. You can jaywalk here!
--34th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Marie
Woman running into middle of road waving arms: Stop, stop, I don't want to get hit. Stoppppp! (cars slow down or slam on brakes) Hahahaha...just kidding.
--Union Turnpike & Utopia Parkway, Queens
(cab turns in front of guy crossing) Guy: Hey, I'm walking here! (turns to his friend) I always wanted to say that.
--42nd St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Alex
I'm Not a Wednesday One-Liner -- You're a Turkey!
Hootchie, about subway smell: It smells like gooood chicken in here. Like McDonald's.
--86th St Subway Platform
Overheard by: EthanK
Barnard girl, indignantly: Chickens don't have thighs!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: The Thighless Wonder
Kid to friends: Oh, shit! I forgot there's a chicken in my backpack!
--Canal St Subway Station
Overheard by: Mel
Cracked out lady on one crutch to cashier: Do you guys still carry like, hamburgers and chicken sandwiches and stuff?
--McDonald's
Overheard by: Ben
Perspiring panhandler on definitely non-organic substances holding a can and singing: I love chickennn...chicken breastsss and thighhhs...chicken heads...mmmmmmm...I love them goooood (keeps going) Thank you. (extends his can for donations)
--7 Train
Overheard by: OG Bergenfield
Woman on phone with friend: I mean he wouldn't even cut my chicken in half for me at dinner. I was all givin' him shit for it. We got in this fight and I told him, "That's what people do to show each other that they care! They cut each other's chicken in half or make them a can of soup or whateva'!" You know what I'm sayin'?
--88th St & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Taste the Rainbow
Teen hipster on cell: You know, light pink is the navy blue of India. It's true! Don't ask me how I know this but I do.
--6th & 51st
Overheard by: simon
Flamboyant nasal-voiced man on cell: I'm feeling blue...like, royal blue...a little lighter...no, not baby blue...like, American flag blue...like...yeah.
--Jamaica LIRR Station
Aussie on cell: There were all these dudes wearing pink shirts...and they weren't even gay!
--55th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: wearing a pink shirt and gay
Girl to friend: So he made carrot salad and I said "Your poop is gonna be orange!"
--The Frying Pan, Chelsea
Latina: Well, she said "It wasn't white! It was yellow!" So I was like, "Well, was it at least shaped like a penis?"
--4th Ave & 40th, Brooklyn
Suspenders or Belt, Wednesday One-Liners?
Guy: Okay, we can invite him too, but you have to remind him that pants are a requirement, not a mild suggestion.
--Uptown 2 Train
Middle aged man at the end of police show (exhausted from dancing around the suite all night): Wow, I can't believe I kept my pants on!
--MSG Skybox
Overheard by: Russ Beef
Man to friend: And like, man I wasn't gonna drink anything, but I smoked like one hundred blunts and was so high and I was like taking my pants off and shit.
--1 Train
Overheard by: batou187
Ghetto guy to ghetto friends: I remember the day I got my Reeboks like I remember the day that I peed my pants...when I was too old to pee my pants.
--A train
Overheard by: Hannah
Guy on phone: I think that may be slightly humiliating though, if the pants actually come off. And someone feels the chicken cutlets inserted in your underpants for some added power.
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: Joey
Wednesday One-Liners in Tasseled Loafers
Suit: There are two kinds of people in this world: Those with MBAs from Harvard, and us.
--6th & 55th
Overheard by: Dan
Agitated suit on cell: A dime is worth less than a dime. A dime is worth less than a dime!
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: Ladle
Suit to another: People are stupid, and the ones that aren't stupid are dumb!
--Madison & 49th
Suit: So Jake had this Mustang, right? And then every time he'd go to the circus they'd treat him like shit.
--59th & Lexington
Overheard by: i'll take the mustang
Suit to sandwich maker: Give me one with extra juice, so I can let it drip down my chin.
--Deli, 33rd & 7th
Suit on cell: That's stupid! Just put it in a bag and throw it in the river!
--23rd & Lexington
Overheard by: tallnawkward
I Told Him to Use the Ladies'
Barnes & Noble employee #1: Some bum is washing his ass in the men's restroom.
Barnes & Noble employee #2 (in horror): Oh god.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Yesenia
Men and Women Define "Relationship" Differently
Woman: It's almost impossible to have a relationship in this city. I make more than most of the men I find attractive.
Man: If you weren't my boss...I would hit that.
Woman: Yeah but... What?
Man: I'm just say'n.
--59th St & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: BobbyKane
Which May or May Not Have a Minimum Height Requirement
Old guy: I heard they have a ride for kids over there.
Ghetto guy: Are you kidding me? The only good ride you can get around here is nine chicks and one dude!
--Nostrand Ave & Ave Y, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Amber S
"...So I Can Go Into Clown Porn!"
Guy #1: Yeah, I was at the national unicycling convention.
Guy #2: It's sad that you couldn't put your skills to use... You could be a stuntman, or a sex slave. But no! You said, "Daddy, I want a unicycle!"
--F Train
We Imagine a Young Katherine Hepburn in This Role
Hot chick: You are never gonna get a job talking like that.
Thug: Yeah, you know, I can turn dis shit off and talk all professional and shit if I have to. (in professional voice): I can speak in a manner which is becoming to a young professional and present myself as an upstanding member of society (now back to thug speak) nawmsayin'?
Hot chick (sarcastically, enunciating each word): Yes. I know what you are saying.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Joey Cards
There Are Eight Million Stories in the Naked City
Crazy guy: Hello.
Girl: Hi.
Crazy guy: You know, yesterday I had a nervous breakdown. My girlfriend kicked me out of the house forever.
Girl: Oh...
Crazy guy: It was nice talking to you. Bye.
--Union Square
Is It Even Legal to Turn Down Catherine Zeta Jones?
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #1: (gasp) All I know is (gasp) that I would fuck the shit out of her.
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #2: (silence)
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #1: Are you honestly saying (gasp) you wouldn't fuck the shit out of her?
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #2: If she was a man...
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #1: Fuck that shit! (gasp) I'm not hearing that.
--Subway Stop, 168th & Broadway
Overheard by: I Would 2
Does She Still Live in a Van Down by the East River?
Blonde girl: I mean this in the nicest way possible, but she looks exactly like Chris Farley.
Brunette girl: Oh my gosh, you're so right! I can't believe I never noticed before!
Blonde girl: I know! But I totally mean it as a compliment.
--Nobu Restaurant, W 57th
Overheard by: sromeo
Every Brilliant Idea Has a Catch
Waitress #1: Do you have any tampons?
Waitress #2: Yeah, I have regular and super.
Waitress #1: Are they the plastic kind? The cardboard snags my vagina.
--Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Unappetized
Poor Guy's More of a Houndstooth Czech
Gay guy #1, checking out another guy: That's a cute outfit.
Gay guy #2: Not with that face.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Oobs
I Might Not Stop Drinking
Girl #1: I mean you're 15 years old, you've just been raped, and then you realize you're about to have a baby.
Girl #2: Well, in that case...
--The Met
Well I Am Begging with a Starbucks Cup
Hobo: Can you spare some change? Or food?
Black lady: Nigga, get a job. This neighborhood's gone too bourgeois for your ass to be begging.
--West 4th
Overheard by: bella
Tonight's Movie: Crouching Cousins, Hidden Mommy
Girl #1: He used to travel all the way from Minnesota to see my mom.
Girl #2: Wasn't he married?
Girl #1: Yeah, and it turned into real big mess. Eventually, my mom got into a fight with all his cousins, and then stabbed his mom.
--Q46 Bus
Am I the Only One Who Has Trouble Getting Off?
Conductor (after doors close at Rector St): If you are in the last five cars you will not be getting off at South Ferry. (train starts to move) Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Shoulda listened to directions.
Passenger: Is anyone else hearing this?
--1 Train
Overheard by: ryn
And the Sphinx Was Their Internet Cafe?
Man: ...and then we visited the Sphinx and the Great Pyramid.
Woman: The Great Pyramid is where the people had their apartments, right?
--The Village
Overheard by: Ava
Think We Should Trade Pills?
Dramatic chick: You're crazy!
Calm guy: No. That's the problem. You're not crazy.
--4 Train
When You're Wearing That Corset and Thigh-High Boots
Mom (to young girl banging on subway seat): Stop that, quiet.
Young girl: What'cha gonna do, open up a can of whoop-ass on me?
Mom: Girl, what did you say? Where did you learn that?
Young girl: You always say it to daddy.
--2 Train
Oh, Crap--It's Spurted All Over the Bag
Woman #1, with water bottle in paper bag: I don't understand why they gave me a bag. What's the point of putting just a water bottle in a bag?
Woman #2: You should've just told them you didn't want one.
Woman #1: Yeah, but I didn't notice until he put it in.
(pause, then both women snicker)
--Elevator, 8th Ave
Overheard by: Mariah
Hey, Passive-Aggressive's Working Great for Me
Mom to tween daughter: Are you mad at me?
Tween daughter: No, I'm not mad at you.
Mom: Why aren't you mad at me? You have every right to be.
--NJ Transit
And Just in the Nick of Time
Girl #1: So I'm hooking up with two guys named Nick...bad idea.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Well I gave Nick #2 my number and I got a text from someone who I thought was Nick #2. Turns out it was Nick #1 all along.
Girl #2: What happened?
Girl #1: So I went to Nick #2's house, assuming it was him from the text. I got there, and it's two girls sitting in the bed, Nick's friend and Nick, all in pajamas. Nick #2 pulls me aside, asks what I'm doing there, and I showed him the texts. It wasn't him, it was Nick #1, from his friends phone.
Girl #2: Looks like you're back to just one Nick now!
--Metro North, Stanford Line
Overheard by: Girl 3
Not the Worst Place to End Up, Actually
Daughter: Dad, where are we getting off?
Father: Um...42nd Street...Times Square...Grand Central Parkway...something like that.
Daughter: 142nd street?
Father: Yeah, something like that.
(doors open for Penn Station)
Mother: I think we should get off here.
Father and daughter: Yeah.
--Uptown 2 Train
"Bitch, You Awake?" Being the Second.
Boyfriend: Love you.
Girlfriend: Love you too.
Boyfriend: Love your rack too.
Girlfriend: That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
--82nd & 1st
Overheard by: Cocomo
Headline by: Ross
Runners-Up:
· "How the Hat-Check Girl Was Won Over..." - Earthborn
· "Low Expectations Can Be Surprisingly Rewarding..." - Sphaeron
· "Pipe Down, I Didn't Say I Loved Your Mouth" - Daniel Patterson
· "That's the Same Thing Your Sister Said!" - cafn8ed
· "The Deepest Conversation Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo Have Ever Had" - rudegrl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Gag Every Time I Look at 1970's Beaver Shots
Nine-year-old girl: Are you a Republican or a Democrat?
14-year-old girl: Well, I'm a Democrat.
Nine-year-old girl: Why?
14-year-old girl: Well, in my opinion, being a Democrat means you don't like Bush.
Nine-year-old girl: Oh. I'm a Democrat, too.
--Brooklyn Public Library, Greenpoint Branch
Overheard by: Jack Jackl
Maybe Those Guys in Ski Masks Took Them? Let's Go Smoke a Bowl
Employee #1: What happened to all those CD players in the corner?
Employee #2: Man, who the fuck cares?
--Union Square Circuit City
Overheard by: Wasn't Me
The Dog Should've Tipped Me Off
Old lady walking with tiny dog, arm extended: Taxi! Taxi! Goddamn it! Taxi! We have to get out of here now! Taxi!
Nearby doorman: I'll hail you a cab, ma'am.
Old lady: You shut your dirty mouth!
--64th & York
Overheard by: Nora
My Mom Says Hunger Makes You Pretty
Man collecting money: One penny, one penny! No one should be hungry!
Little child: You're wrong! Stop saying that!
--Waverly & University Place
Overheard by: Obviously a Republican
And Almost As Stupid As Hot Aaron
Girl #1: I hooked up with Aaron on Friday. It was weird.
Girl #2: Hot Aaron or stupid Aaron?
Girl #1: Stupid Aaron.
Girl #2: Oh, my god, he is so hot.
--MAC Cosmetics, Spring Street
Wait! -- Let Me Put on My L.L. Bean Jacket and Try That Again
Wannabe rap superstar: Yo, wanna buy this CD?
Middle aged white guy: What are the beats like?
Wannabe rap superstar: (silence)
Middle aged white guy: Are they like (starts beat-boxing)?
Wannabe rap superstar: No. (leaves)
--96th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: sure they weren't
Your Relationship with Your Mom Is Way Too Complex
Drunken woman: So why did you decide to marry her?
Drunken man: Because she just moved in!
--Ayza Wine & Chocolate Bar
Overheard by: Colleen
One Fuckaccino, One No-Balls, and a Mysterious East Coming Up
Customer: Hi, can I have one tall mocha frappuccino light, one venti skim decaf latte with an extra shot, and one tall iced chai?
Surly barista (under his breath): Oh, that's just great for me.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Lexcar
Where They Let the Sunshine in
(after a performance of Hair)
Woman: What was your favorite part?
Four-year-old girl: I liked all the parts.
Six-year-old girl: I liked the naked part.
--Delacorte Theater, Central Park
Might We Recommend I Am Curious (Bonobo)?
Tween boy #1: Did you see her monkey?
Tween boy #2: She has a monkey?
Tween boy #1: The monkey in her pants, tard.
Tween boy #2: She has a monkey in her pants?
Tween boy #1: You need to watch more porn.
Tween boy #2: Porn with monkeys? My brother is right, I'm not ready for any of this.
--D Train
Overheard by: BobK
You Can Always Tell the Conductors Who Used to Teach Public School
Train conductor on "drunk train" from Penn Station: To your right, you will see a big shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Port Jeff, get off of this train, and get on that shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Montauk, walk through the big shiny train, until you see an even *bigger* shiny train. The train to Montauk will have not one, but two big shiny levels. That is the train to Montauk. So remember: Port Jeff?
Conductor and herd of drunken fools: Shiny train!
Conductor: Montauk?
Drunken fools: Bigger shiny train! Woooo!
--LIRR, Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Sarah
...on Easter Morning
Guy (smelling weed, to male friend): Hey man, you smell that?
Girl: Yeah, it smells like my dad.
--Terminal 5
Overheard by: Adam
Gummi Bolts
Guy, sniffing at a box of bolts: Wow, these smell like Twizzlers!
Box owner: Well, they are from Germany.
--Metric Building, Hawthorne
Overheard by: not surprised at all
The Real World: Junior High Turned Out to Be a Legal Powderkeg
20-something male #1: Dude, all she did all week was stay out late, get drunk, and hook up with random guys.
20-something male #2: Yeah, but that's what vacation is for.
20-something male #1: Not when it's your 13-year-old sister!
--Gramercy
Overheard by: She said she was 19
Dude, Fist Bump!
College guy to eight-year-old boy: Is that your girlfriend? (points to eight-year-old girl playing in sprinklers)
Eight-year-old boy: No, I just like to get her wet.
--Central Park Playground
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