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That Means "Bless You," Right?
Guy that just missed the subway: Shit, shit, shit, fuck, shit...
French tourist, looking at guy: Merde.
Guy: Thank you!
--N Train Station
This Country Really Is a Meritocracy
Guy #1: He inherited something like 35 million after taxes.
Guy #2: What an asshole.
Guy #1 (laughing): Yeah, and you know he's gonna be fuckin' broke in like two years.
--30th & 6th
Why She Got Fired from Santa's Workshop
Latin teacher: I don't think [Catullus] is exactly calling her a five-cent ho.
Student: Haha, he said ho!
--Packer Collegiate
Overheard by: Fred S.
You Could Call It The Girls Next Door and Show It on E!
Male Columbia student: So I really need an idea for a business venture.
Female Columbia student: How about, you da pimp, they da hos?
--112th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Megan W.
Yuppies Enforce Strict Naming Conventions
20-something yuppie guy: You said your name is Demetria?
Sassy black teenager: My name is Demetriatis: Rhymes wit' goddess, cause I'm da hottes'.
20-something yuppie guy: So your name is Demetria?
--PATH Train
LL- He's Been Doing Sit-Ups
Girl #1: What is Dr. Phil's first name, anyway?
Girl #2: Uhhh...
--14th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Jessie
Next You'll Tell Them How I Lost My Anal V-Card to a Picket Fence
Girl: So I was in Sweden, right, and we were riding these bikes and I sorta fell off the seat onto the bar underneath it and when I went to the bathroom there was blood in my panties and it really hurt.
Asian chick (yelling): Ohmigod, you totally lost your virginity to a bike.
Girl: Great, now the whole train knows.
--4 Train
Bottom Line, the Subway Smells a Little Bit Better
Short haired woman: You didn't see in the car?
Little girl: No, no! Tell me, tell me!
Short haired woman: Ask your mother.
Mother: It was like an elephant exploded diarrhea all over the seat.
Little girl: I wanna see! I wanna see!
--A Train
And He Wears Members Only Jackets Around the House
Hipster chick: He's not gay, he just wants everyone to think that.
Hipster chick friend: How do you know?
Hipster chick: He'll only suck cock in public.
--4th St & 2nd Ave
Still, I've Never Seen a Straight Guy Hold Chopsticks With His Legs
Girl #1, checking out a dude in a restaurant: He's super hot, but I think he's gay.
Girl #2: Oh yeah, totally, look at the way he crosses his legs. And he's using chopsticks.
Girl #1: It's an Asian restaurant.
--Union Square
Overheard by: littleD
This Is Your Brain on Stupid Customers
Customer: I'll have an egg omelet.
Cook: An egg omelet?
Customer: Yeah, one made with eggs.
Cook: Thank god you mentioned eggs. I was about to give you an omelet solely made from butter!
--Grant's Restaurant
Overheard by: AJ
After Initially Rejecting My Advances
Guy: He is so weird!
Girl: Yeah, he really bothers me sometimes.
Guy: I can't believe he asked to have a threesome with you.
--13th & University
And He No Longer Soils Himself at the Table
Teen boy: May I be excused from the table? I have to take a shit.
Older teen sister: Ewwwww, you're disgusting!
Dad: Be thankful. At least we've got him eating with utensils.
--Buddha Bar
Overheard by: Big Larry
I'm Going Into Anaphilcollins Shock
Tourist exiting theater (singing): You'll beeee in my heaaaart...
NYC native, hurrying through crowd: Death!
--Richard Rodgers Theater
Overheard by: office peon
Tonight on My Super Sweet 16 Funeral
Thug #1: Nigga, you all old-like 'n shit. You be like, sixteen goin' on sixty.
Thug #2: Me?! Nigga, you got that shit all backwards. Look at Jerome. He be sixteen goin' on dead.
--Fulton & Nassau
He Refers to Sarah Palin As "Mama Mia" in Private Moments
Little boy: Mommy, John McCain likes Abba.
Mom: Does he really now? Then you two have something in common.
Little boy: Noooooo!
--College Walk, Columbia University
Where a Urologist Would Just Pee on Them
Father: So what kind of doctor is that?
Five children (chorus): Plastic surgeon!
Father: That's right. A plastic surgeon fixes people's faces when people are on fire.
--Pike & Division
Overheard by: Jena
It's Nice That They Waited
Girl: Wait, is today September 11th?
Guy: Yeah, why?
Girl: Oh, my friend's Vietnamese restaurant opens tomorrow!
--Waverly & Broadway
So How's Your Family? And When'd You Get the Dick?
Man: What the fuck are you doing in here?
Woman: I'm sorry, I just had to pee.
Man: Holy shit! I can't fucking believe it. The first time I see my ex-wife in forty years is in a men's bathroom.
--Picnic House Men's Room, Prospect Park
Why Many Kids Get Left at the Mall Each Year
Dad: We're going over there. To the mall.
Six-year-old son: I need some shit. And who's going to buy me some shit? You.
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: EthanK
Kind of Like the Ocean
Good looking Italian guy, chatting: I was changing the oil on my car. I figure it's going to shoot out so I put the pail like a foot away. I turned the knob and...whush...all over me...my clothes.
Chubby friend: Good thing you didn't get it in your mouth.
Italian guy: It doesn't taste that bad.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Sibyl
And I Don't Think It Could Get Any Shittier
Homeless dude #1: I need something to read when I go to the bathroom.
Homeless dude #2: I got "Can you afford to retire?"
--Broadway & W 4th
Overheard by: Danielle
It's Pronounced "Canadia"
Son: It is cold, like Canada!
Mom: You've never been to Canada.
Daughter: Don't talk about Canada.
--Spanish Harlem
Overheard by: Jaina
...Unless You Have Her Number on Hand.
Drunk balding fratboy in elevator: Dude who's that chick in the picture on your phone?
Tall friend: Oh, it's my niece.
Drunk balding fratboy in elevator: Buzzkill.
--Bowlmor Night Club
Overheard by: Revere La Noue
Or at Least Send Smoke Signals Across the Border
Student #1: Yeah, but for Christmas break I'm gonna be in South Carolina.
Student #2: Really? I'm gonna be in North Carolina! Maybe we'll run into each other!
--Classroom, NYU
If You're Gonna Lie, at Least Be in the Gutter with a Fifth of Jack Daniels.
Middle school girl on Nextel: Hi mom.
Mom (from Nextel): Hello?
Girl (into Nextel): Yeah, mom. Hello? I am on my way home.
Mom (from Nextel): Where are you?
Girl (into Nextel): I am just getting off the bus right now.
--Target, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lynda
Which Is, Incidentally, Also My Rapper Name
Man: Hey, is that postcard in 3D?
Woman: Nope. It's just normal d.
--JFK
Thus Restoring the Natural Balance of the Universe
Girl #1: Did you hear Nicole has to be topless?
Girl #2: That's okay, I'm a nun!
--9th & Broadway
Not Anymore
Trashy girl (loudly): So I was suckin his cock for like 45 minutes and nothin happened, I was like, "fuck yo problem?"
Friend: Word?
Trashy girl: For real! (turns to staring suit) Excuse me, this is a private conversation!
--A Train
How Was I Supposed to Know She Was a Mannequin?
Bro #1: I mean, you can't turn that down.
Bro #2: Right, you can't turn that down! I mean, she had boobs!
--University Place & North Washington Square
Overheard by: Anna P.
Like a Bowling Ball Hitting the Lead Pin
Drunk guy #1: I haven't really done anything past missionary.
Drunk guy #2: Dude, why?
Drunk guy #1: Well I did do this one where she bent over and my balls kept on smacking her ass.
Drunk guy #2: Doggie style?
Drunk guy #1: No, not doggie style, I've seen dogs fuck, and it wasn't like this, like my balls were really smacking her ass, it made a sound. I watched dogs, their balls don't make a sound like that. It was like a smack, you know.
--PATH Train
Janet Reno Has Left a Trail Of Confused Ladies in Her Wake
Girl #1: Oh my god, he is *so* hot!
Girl #2: That's a woman!
Girl #1: Oh my god! Does that make me gay? Am I gay?
--Central Park
And I'm Still Smarter Than You. That's Gotta Burn
Hip 18-year-old daughter: Mom, stop laughing! I'm like the least funny person I've ever met.
Mom, laughing: No, you're so funny! You always have been! It's like you have an extra chromosome or something. (walks into an apartment and closes door behind her before her daughter and her friend can follow).
Girl's friend: So, you're retarded. You have an extra chromosome. You're fucking retarded.
--87th & East End
Overheard by: Sophie
So That's What Happened to the Ghost of Rodney Dangerfield.
Woman #1: Have you ever been with a married man?
Woman #2: No. Not even when I was married.
--23rd & 9th Ave
Overheard by: C-Belle
Headline by: Rob
Runners-Up:
· "...But My Husband Has." - Jen
· "Among the More Common Transexual Paradoxes" - Leary Blaine
· "I Could Never Schedule an Appointment With His Secretary" - Lizzay
· "I Knew There Was a Reason I Shouldn't Have Married a Priest..." - Lukas
· "What Are You Trying to Say, Mom?" - dazed and confused
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Eventually, Snoop Would Find His Calling As a Rapper
Manager: How could you bring a dutch to work and not think that I would write you up for it? You'd better have a doctor's note for that.
Employee: Damn nigga, what'd you think? Of course I have a doctor's note!
--Duane Reade
Ever Try Doing the Moses Arms to Part It?
Hoochie with kids on cell: They gave me four pills for when my period comes on... (looks at cashier) Um... They said it's gonna flood.
Cashier cutie: Looks like the flood gates already opened.
--CVS Pharmacy
Overheard by: Heater
Fuck Brown Paper Packages Tied Up with Strings
Girl #1: A hot, sweaty penis is the best feeling.
Girl #2: I know what you mean!
--Starbucks, 78th & Lexington
Three Blind Wednesday One-Liners
Homeless man, watching cute little mouse: That mouse is aggressive! It'll attack you if provoked.
--Central Park
Concerned Long Island tween, pointing at a rat in the tracks: Oh my god, how did a squirrel get in here? Seriously, we should help it.
--W 4th St Station
Father to daughters, with head cocked up listening to dark void in the platform: Hear that, girls? The rats are playing.
--96th & Broadway Subway Platform
Overheard by: sueinthecity
Random blond chick: I don't wanna be the fricking mouse.
--Asian Restaurant, Chinatown
Dude: I was raised with rodents.
--Hunter College
Eight-year-old Italian kid to another: Hey, you know that bracelet you got at the feast? The next day I saw a mouse with it around his neck, swear to god!
--Lorimer & Maujer, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Natalya Petrovna
Maverick Wednesday One-Liners Take on the Washington Establishment
Woman: So my friend was going to vote for Obama, but now, since her boyfriend is from, like, Alaska, she's going to vote for McCain instead.
--Store, 2nd Ave
Woman to friend: Joe says he weighs 145 but he's a Republican. You can't trust anything he says.
--Pinetree Lodge, 35th & 1st
Hobo on street corner: Vote for McCain. Get nuclear rockets shot up your ass and eat moose burgers all day!
--W 3rd & MacDougal St
Overheard by: Matt
60-something woman dressed like teenybopper, talking about Sarah Palin on cell: She proves you can be pretty and smart. She's more than a bulldog in a pantsuit; she's like Alaska Barbie!
--Penn Station
Yuppie dad to whiny daughter: Barack Obama doesn't like it when his daughters whine.
--Caroll Gardens
Middle-aged, white man on cell: Do not call me at this number again. Never call me at this number again. Listen, if you call me at this number again I will, in fact, vote for John McCain.
--Tea Lounge, Cobble Hill
Wednesday Had One-Liners for the Tax Exemptions
Ghetto mother to obnoxiously loud child: Stop it! Stop it! I said stop it! Oooh, girl I am gonna sell yo ass for a Lexus and a mansion if you don't stop!
--L Train
Mother to small child lagging behind: Do you want to go home with another family?
--South St Seaport
Overheard by: shopgirl
Grandmother to small grandson: You went potty, Nietzsche? That's very good. Nana is coming over later, Nietzsche.
--Carl Schurz Park
Mother, to kid peeing on street: Michael, we don't pee on other people's doors!
--Central Park West
Overheard by: Nikki
Mother, to kid looking at toys: It's not a toilet, it's to make cupcakes.
--Toys "R" US, Times Square
Overheard by: Howie
Father, to five-year-old son: I had no idea you liked AC/DC!
--Penn Station
Mother, to son in stroller watching two shady characters: Oh, a drug deal! Sam*, your first drug deal encounter.
--81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: andrew daly
Wednesday One-Liners Have the Rainbow Connection
Gay man: Now that everything is lesbian, bi and transgender, I don't know if I can lead the committee anymore, 'cause I've got my gay male privilege.
--W 13th St
Man with clipboard: Do you have a moment for gay rights? (silence) C'mon, help support the people that made your clothes!
--10th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: You mean 10-year olds in Honduras?
Thug teenage dad, about baby staring at effeminate Asian man: Oh shit, she's already got her gaydar on.
--4 Train
Chick to friends: I would be like the sluttiest gay guy and it would be totally awesome.
--Christopher St
Man: ...and you know there are a ton of gays who have no problem taking it straight up the ass.
--Times Square
11-year-old thuggish boy: No homo, but he looks better than his sister.
--Bronx Playground
Black guy: I'm gay! I'm proud! I'm in the front seat! I'm gay! I'm proud! I'm in the front seat! I love guys!
--Union St & 8th Ave, Brooklyn
What Wine Goes Best With Wednesday One-Liners?
Haggard-looking middle-aged woman: Hi, yes, I need a refill. I need my Xanax. (short pause) My life is hell.
--CVS Pharmacy, 42nd & 10th Ave
Suit on cell: No mom, I'm not going to just start popping antidepressants without seeing a professional first! Why would you even say that?!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: I'd have prescribed some ritalin for him
MTA conductor over loudspeaker: Hey Bobby! Lay off the steroids, they're making your voice sound funny!
--MTA Harlem Line Train
Overheard by: Nina
Loud suit on cell: Hello? Yes, hi, I'd like to order a Viagra pill. Only one, sir. No, no, just one. Sir, I want only one pill of Viagra, can you do that for me? Can I pick it up tomorrow? Great, thank you. I look forward to seeing you. Take care now, bye bye.
--44th St & 3rd Ave
20-something girl: Whenever I have a bad day, I think "How did Hillary Clinton feel?" and then I don't feel so bad. I mean they must have put her on sedatives to make it through that.
--C Train
Cute girl on cell: Well, tell her if she takes all those pills I'm going to kill her!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: arctinus
Wednesday One-Liners Sit Shiva
50-something suit: In many ways I enjoyed his funeral reception more than his wedding reception.
--PATH
Overheard by: Joe H.
Girl on cell: He died. They found his body. I don't know, somewhere in the Bronx. He was strangled or some shit. Yeah, he died from it. Oh shit, that's why I forgot to send you the invitation for the whatchacallit, the funeral.
--Rivington & Attorney
Overheard by: I wasn't invited either
Gay guy to friend: So I told John I would go to his funeral just to spit in his face!
--West Bank Cafe
60-something woman to another: So I'm glad I didn't go to his fucking bitch sister's funeral. But now he's mad.
--Central Park
20-something guy on cell: Just 'cause I did meth with his daughter doesn't mean I'm going to go to his funeral!
--7th Ave Subway Entrance
Wednesday One-Liners for Bernardo and the Sharks
Chica on cell: He was just white. Like, a white guy. Except Puerto Rican.
--Park Terrace West, Inwood
Overheard by: Gringo Starr
Puerto Rican thug to another, both wearing Puerto Rican flag bandanas as face masks: White people better get used to us. There be like 80 billion of us in the world... Or maybe 8 thousand of us...at least.
--F Train
Overheard by: Brent
Teen on cell: Wait, you're in Puerto Rico? I'll be right there, that's by Chinatown, right? What do you mean it's an island? Like Staten Island? How the fuck did you get there?
--Colombus Circle
Overheard by: Graham Davis
JAP on phone: He called me a clingy JAP! How fucking low! I could've easily pulled the "you're-a-Puerto-Rican-from-Staten-Island" card.
--92nd & 5th
Guy (shouting): Hey guys! You like Puerto Ricans?!
--Times Square
Overheard by: CytoFox
Dad on scooter with eight-year-old girl: I don't want to hear that... Don't fuckin' push me, Joanna! You are not black, you are Puerto Rican!
--Flatbush & Fulton
Overheard by: Chelsea
Tour De Wednesday One-Liners
Fat tourist: Exactly, like, I know Disney trivia, but of course I don't know general trivia.
--Ellis Island
Overheard by: Cat
Female tourist with Irish accent, reading leaflet: Jaysas lads, it only took them 14 months to build this, I wonder if it's okay like.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: joanie
Tourist gazing up at the Empire State Building: They sure could fit a lotta hay in there!
--Outside Empire State Building
Overheard by: Duppy
Tourist: Where do they keep the cemeteries around here?
--Next to St. Paul's Cemetery/Church
Female tourist: Oh my god, I can't believe we're on the 6... Just like J.Lo.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Courtney C.
Overzealous British tourist father, pointing at map: Okay, everyone. We're passing by Madison Square Gardens. They must be lovely at this time of year. We're on the Metropolitan Line, see? The Met Line. Just like in London. We're going to get off at Rector Street. It's the last stop before Brooklyn, so if we miss our stop, we'll be in Brooklyn, and we don't want that! Look, now there are no more numbers. When there are no more numbers in the station names, that means we're at the bottom of the underground. Oh, look, it's Chinatown. This is where all the orientals get off.
--R Line
Overheard by: office peon is one of those Orientals...
Female tourist: Know what? Fuck it, I just want to go back to my hotel room and take a shit.
--Canal St
Oh, Puke, It's Wednesday One-Liners!
Teenybopper: I was going to see Legally Blonde, but then I threw up in Kmart twice.
--Delacourte Theater, before Hair
Overheard by: Morgan
Girl to another: It's easy--you just put your finger down your throat and you vomit!
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: Sarah
Guy on laptop to woman sitting next to him: Sorry if I make throw-up noises, no offense.
--Penn Station, NJ Transit
Overheard by: altaatlantic
Girl on cell: Oh my god. Like if that meal wasn't so expensive, I would have thrown it up!
--3rd Ave & 8th St
Overheard by: rachel
Teenage girl on payphone: Ma? Hey ma? Hold on. (vomits) I'm throwing up! (vomits some more) I *said* I'm (vomits a third time) throwing up. I'm done now. What?
--Wilson Ave, Bushwick
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
Girl to friend, while smoking: So there I was, puking...and they started to have sex!
--Third and Long Bar
Wednesday One-Liners Will Pass You a Note in Study Hall
Teen girl: The teacher was like, "Everybody did well on the oral part, that's a good thing, because I hadn't thought it was too long or hard." And then a kid in the back shouted, "That's what she said!"
--Times Square
Teen girl, after being hugged by two boys: Okay, which one of you fingered me?
--Outside Queens Center Mall
Overheard by: disgusted educator on bus
Teen on cell: Stuff? What the hell? Wait, stuff and things? What the fuck, man?!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
Teenage boy: Every time you type "lol" a baby gets kicked in the head.
--150th & Columbus
Teen girl on cell: Why you always call me "ghetto?" I'm not ghetto. (long pause) Okay, I am! But I can't help it!
--Park Avenue
Overheard by: taylor
Teen punk girl on phone: Yeah, I kinda got to third in a dumpster... No! No, it was a clean dumpster!
--St Mark's & 2nd
"Don't Hate Me Because I'm Wednesday One-Liner"
Hobo to female passerby (singing): Pretty woman, walking down the street/Pretty woman, eating a hamburger...
--Wendy's, Union Square
Overheard by: Hungry Bystander
Salesgirl to another: You look pretty today...for a little Filipino girl.
--American Eagle, SoHo
Overheard by: Holly
Loud hobo walking through crowded train: Lots of beautiful ladies on this train. Beautiful white ladies. Beautiful black ladies. I like her hat. (turns to one shy-looking girl) Do you wear makeup? You shouldn't. You don't need it, you are so beautiful. If you have any makeup, just throw it away. Or send it to my girl, cuz she is ugly.
--Downtown 4 Train
50-something woman to pretty 20-something girl: I just wanted you to know that our husbands over there think you are one of the most beautiful girls they have ever seen. So now our husbands are going to have sex with my friend and I tonight. They may be thinking of you during, but thanks to you I am going to have an orgasm tonight, so thank you for being so gorgeous.
--Boat Basin Cafe
Overheard by: Megan W.
Guy on iPhone: You think because you're pretty you can get away with that shit. Well, you're wrong! You can get away with that shit because you're rich!
--Duane Reade, Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
Testing, Wednesday One, Two, Three-Liners
Principal, over PA system: Attention: We are testing out the PA system. If you don't hear this, please call the office.
--Public School
Announcer on 6 train (which was being held at the station): Attention ladies and gentlemen. (pause) Does this thing even work?
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Your Mom
Cop, over megaphone from patrol car: Attention people in the park, we think you are all drunk. Whether legally or illegally, please, vacate the area. (a few minutes later, after driving around the fountain) People in the fountain, don't think we can't see you...don't use stargazing as your excuse because there's too much light pollution!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: In the fountain
Conductor over PA: Attention passengers. Acts of pugilism are not allowed on this train.
(two minutes later) Attention passengers. This is just a reminder that acts of fornication or fellatio are not allowed on this train.
--Post Midnight Drunk Train, LIRR
Overheard by: Rob T Firefly
Nervous voice on building PA system: Can I have your attention, please? Can I have your attention, please? Please disregard this message.
--Third Ave & b/w 50th & 51st
Bisexuals Only Get a Block?
Drunk girl, holding hands with a boy and a girl: Oh, this is the bisexual block!
Less drunk friend: Uh... Let's take a picture of this diner so I don't forget it.
--14th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Teri
Inspired by the Bestseller You Can Live to Be Thirty!
20-something #1: You are so different than you were in middle school!
20-something #2: I know, I just quit smoking.
--68th & Columbus
Overheard by: Allison
Not to Be Confused with the Naked Chinese Guy
Tourist: Huh, I could have sworn he'd be here!
Cop, looking around: Can I help you, miss?
Tourist: Yeah, I'm looking for a guy.
Cop: Okay?
Tourist: Should be wearing tighty whities...cowboy hat.
(cop sighs, pointing to his left)
Tourist: Thanks!
--Times Square
Why Cinderella Was Never Invited to Another Ball
Traffic police officer #1: She want balls with no cheese. I want cheese on my balls.
Traffic police officer #2: Oh, she nasty.
--Quizno's, Broadway & Franklin
Overheard by: office peon
Big Hard Dick, Little Soft Conscience
Girl #1: I didn't know he had a girlfriend.
Girl #2: I did...but I was drunk so I blocked it out.
Girl #1: Horrible mistake.
Girl #2: Yeah, I regret it.
Girl #1: Good fuck, though. Big dick.
Girl #2: And that's all that matters.
--Brooklyn Heights
Plus Her Status Updates Are More Interesting Than Ever
Graduate student #1: Should I remove the dead girl from my Facebook friends? It's kind of sad when she comes up.
Graduate student #2: No.
Graduate student #1: Why not?
Graduate student #2: Wouldn't it be even sadder if she was dead and had no Facebook friends?
--114th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Daniel
Don't Judge Me. Bitch
Little girl with cotton candy to lonely goth girl sitting on a curb: Look! I have cotton candy! See? (shoves it in her face)
Goth girl: Oh...good?
Mother: Ha, ha! Like you care!
--St. Mark's Place
There's a Reason "Stooges" and "Splooges" Sound So Alike
Suit #1: What are you doing this weekend?
Suit #2: I think I'm going to go jet skiing. Wanna go jet skiing?
Suit #1: Yeah sure, I'll go.
Suit #2 (answers phone): Yeah, I'm going jet skiing this weekend. Do you wanna come? Yeah, I'm going with Steve*. (pause) No, three dudes on a jet ski isn't gay. (turns to friend) Is it?
Suit #1: Two dudes is questionable, but three is definitely gay.
--Broome Street Bar
Exactly.
40-something Spanish woman to 15-year-old son: What kind of a retard are you? You're just like your father!
(son looks around nervously)
Father, standing next to her: Wait, what?
--Canal & Centre
Overheard by: Einstien
What's More Disturbing: A) Geographical Ignorance; or B) Use of "Colored Person"?
Girl #1: Here's a picture of the guy I hooked up with this weekend. God, I can't believe I hooked up with a Bulgarian...
Girl #2: Wait. That's him? I was expecting a colored person. Is Bulgaria not in Africa?
--Penn Station
And I'd Need at Least 850 to Put on a Good Show
Boyfriend: I don't want to go to your house cuz there is no privacy.
Girlfriend: Well, I don't want to go to your house cuz it's too open...you have like 700 people living there and they walk in and out as they please.
--3 Train
You Are My Wife
Cop: You can't go this way.
Driver: Shut the fuck up, asshole.
Cop: Tell it to your wife, buddy.
--17th & 2nd
Anyone Else Wondering What This Guy's Doing in Harlem?
Country gent with thick drawl: I need tickets for two seniors and two adults, please.
MTA booth worker: Okay, where you goin?
Country gent with thick drawl: My son's house.
MTA booth worker: What train station?
Country gent with thick drawl: I dunno, does "Hartford" sound about right?
--Harlem 125th Street Metro North Station
And His Wife Was a Great Lay
Cranky old guy: I used to get so goddamn pissed at that old rat bastard Frankie. Sometimes I wanted to snuff him out. He was a good dude, though, y'know?
Old buddies #1 and #2: Word!
--Bergen St, Brooklyn
You Are the Weakest Link. Goodbye
Math professor: This weekend I saw an exhibit at the Staten Island Zoo about dinosaurs.
Blonde bimbette: You mean with real dinosaurs?
--College of Staten Island
My Personal Carbon Offset
Bimbette: Well, the human brain weighs 3 lbs.
Friend: So?
Bimbette: So, I'm not really 110. I'm really 107. If you don't count my brain.
--A Train
Alan Grows Out His Beard
Man #1: You have a girlfriend?
Man #2: Yes.
Man #1: She knows you're gay?
Man #2: Yes.
--Financial District
If Only We Could Euthanize You
Loud girl: I'm not gonna move in with him until he gets rid of that damn dog! I'm not gonna let him pull a fast one on me. I'm not commuting two hours to work while that dog lies around the house all day. Hell no! He better get that damn dog euthanized.
Tired-looking, quiet older woman: Sounds like you got him all figured out.
--6 Train
The Republicans' New Anti-Immigration Video Is a Little Over the Top
Hipster girl: What's that?
Salvadorian guy: My benefits card, like food stamps. You could get one!
Hipster girl: Really?
Salvadorian guy: You should! We could barbecue non-stop! For free!
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: anyabelisle
Social Security What, Now?
Man in cast: Nah man, I can't I don't have health insurance.
Creepy man: You don't have health insurance?! I can get it for you! Just give me your social security number!
Man in cast: Oh yeah?
--East Village
Overheard by: Gina
...in South America!
Flight attendant to passenger wearing a necklace of Africa: That's a pretty necklace. What state is it? Texas?
Passenger: Actually, no. It's Africa.
Flight attendant: Oh! It's not a state, it's a country!
--LaGuardia Airport
He'll Be The "Pro-Life" of the Party!
Concerned male friend: Well, aren't you afraid of gettin' like, an STD or something? Don't you use condoms?
Confused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we didn't. I mean, he's been coming inside me for like a year now and nothin' ever happened. (points to belly, implying she's pregnant)
Concerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Confused teen girl: He's 18. I'm 16--almost 17.
Concerned male friend: Damn, I don't know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wanna go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Confused teen girl: I'll take my baby with me!
--E Train
Headline by: Erica Neumann
Runners-Up:
· "$5 Says You Guys Don't Get a Single Non-Palin Headline on This One" - twoferrets
· "Ju No What I'm Talking About?" - Barry P.
· "My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Percent Jägermeister..." - Who Doesn't Love A Drunken Infant?
· "That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D." - MJP
· "There's a Bristol Palin Joke Here Somewhere..." - S-Train
· "You Know, Like One Of Those Elmo Backpacks?" - All by myself.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Only Do That on Holidays
Little girl: Mommy, you can bite my ear.
Ghetto mama: Huh?
Little girl: You want to bite my ear?
Ghetto mama: No!
Little girl: Come on mommy, bite my ear!
Ghetto mama: Goddamn it child, no!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Barnard girl
From Every Other Kid in the Shoe
Four-year-old boy: You're so mean to me, mama!
Mom: Yeah, I get that all the time.
--Commodities Natural Market, 10th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Richelle
Just More Understandable
Chick #1: And there was my friend who was assaulted at Temple--did I tell you about that?
Chick #2, horrified: She was assaulted at *temple*?
Chick #1: Oh, Temple University.
Chick #2: Ohhh.
Chick #1: Uh, not that that makes it any less horrible.
--187th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rose Fox
And We Made That Necklace Out of Them?
NYU boy #1: Damn, we were so high last night.
NYU boy #2: I know, I was just in the bathroom looking at the shampoo bottle for, like, twenty minutes because it was, like, so beautiful!
NYU boy #3 (laughing): Yeah, Brady was so fucked up... Remember when he threw up his teeth?
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: cindy fernandez
And a Minus Over His Brain, But I Let Him Divide My Legs Anyway
Hipster girl #1: I don't know why you keep talking to him.
Hipster girl #2: Imagine a virtual plus sign over his crotch.
--1st Ave, East Village
The Art of Conversation Has Died with the Rise of the iPod
White guy #1: I was listening to Celia Cruz.
Spanish guy: Yeah, I've been to Santa Cruz.
White guy #2: What? Santa Claus?
--48th & 6th
Says She Loves to Fuck, but Hates to Walk
Boyfriend: So I think my mother is sleeping with the guy who lives around the corner from me.
Girlfriend: Your mom is so good at stuff like that.
--6th Ave & 14th St
Overheard by: Matthew Coleman
Let's Make Some Coffee--These Negotiations Could Take All Night.
Cute blonde: I like fucking you. No, I love fucking you.
Buff guy: Yeah.
Cute blonde: But if I suck your dick and you cum, you'll fall asleep.
Buff guy: How about you suck my dick and then I fuck you?
Cute blonde: That never happens. But if you come with me to my friend Sam's party, I'll suck your dick.
--4 Train
Who Needs a Television When You've Got the City?
(a soprano is singing an opera aria in her apartment on the 4th floor)
Random man on street (screaming up to the window): Girl, you're not even gonna sing the high note?! Pussy!
Soprano (screaming out the window): Everyone's a fucking critic!
--Inwood
Which, in Turn, Reminds Me Of Why I Love You
Girl #1: But I've been eating so much lately!
Girl #2: Rachel. You are not pregnant.
Girl #1: Yes I ammmmm! (flails arms)
Girl #2: This reminds me of the time you were drunk and tried to run into traffic.
--Outside Virgin Records, 14th St
Avril Lavigne's Back in Town
Drunk girl: Do you skateboard?
Random guy: Yeah.
Drunk girl: Do you own a skateboard?
Random guy: Yeah.
Drunk girl: Do you wanna have sex on your skateboard?
--4th & Ave C
Overheard by: Shani
Our Fashion Sense Relies on It.
Hipster #1 (sighing): I'm sorry, I'm just super cracked out right now.
Hipster #2 (pleased): That's good!
--Union Square
The Conversational Equivalent of the "I'm With Stupid --->" Shirt
Staten Island chick to friend: Remember when we got off at this stop because some guy lied to us and told us we were in Brooklyn?
Uninterested friend to random guy next to her: I like your shoes.
--Brooklyn Bound 4 Train
Overheard by: Emma
Who'll Have the Last Laugh When the Messiah Pops Out?
Girlfriend: I'm not feeling so good.
Boyfriend: Why? What's wrong?
Girlfriend: I feel queasy and dizzy.
Boyfriend: What if you were pregnant?
Girlfriend: By what? Immaculate conception? Or your finger?
--13th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: Biscuit-lover
And the Girls Gone Wild Legal Team Has That in Writing
Boy: How naked are we getting at this party?
Girl: Honey, I don't even need tequila to take my clothes off.
--Student Musical, Columbia
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