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Erika Would Have a Flashback to This Moment Years Later in a College Dorm Room
Little girl: Look at all the balls!
Dad: No! No! Don't touch them!
--79th & Lexington
Overheard by: chiggie
Babelfish Now Has a Ditz-to-English Option
Blonde girl: What time is it?
Guy: Quarter to eight.
Blonde girl: (looking confused)
Guy: It's seven forty-five.
--7th & Ave A
That's What the Tasers Are For
Friend #1: Go to the left.
Friend #2: I'm trying!
Friend #1: Don't try! Just push people!
--5th Ave & 49th St
Overheard by: autumn
She Still Thinks "Bad Moon on the Rise" Is "Bathroom on the Right"
Columbia chick #1: Damn, he's sexy in a right girl's island kind of way.
Columbia chick #2: Don't you mean "Rikers Island"?
--113th & Broadway
Just As Well--I Heard That Show Was Floundering
Woman #1: You should have seen it, over at The Little Mermaid, there were all these kids outside, just bawling.
Woman #2: Really? Is it that bad?
Man: No, they couldn't get in. Stagehands' strike.
Woman #2: Oh.
--Parking Garage, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
And a Fuel Injection System
Hipster boy to girl: After the internet age and the digital age, we are now entering the cyborg age.
Hipster girl to boy: Yeah, cyborgs are totally mainstream now. I saw a special on Fox News all about cyborgs and it was totally mainstream.
Hipster boy to girl: My brother has an insulin pump.
--F Train Platform
Overheard by: sadie
Your Editors Do Not Wish to Get Involved in This
Pilot: We are now arriving in at JFK airport in New York City, home of the Yankees.
Met fan: That's not right...(yelling) What about the Mets?
Pilot: No one cares.
Rest of passengers: (cheering)
--Jet Blue Flight
I Gotta Tell You, That Trash Can's Looking Pretty Good
Drunk chick: Apparently there are lots of guys here tonight who have slept with me that want to sleep with me again, and also a few here that have not slept with me that want to!
Friend: Really?
Drunk chick: Yeah! And it's a good thing I've changed, because if I hadn't, I'd be fucking everything in sight right now.
--Bathroom, Beer Garden in Astoria
Overheard by: ALi
Oh Wait-- Once I Had a Cobb Salad at the Guggenheim
Pretty lady: Are you telling me that the all the times you've ever been to New York, you've never been to a museum?
Foreigner: No.
Pretty lady: What the hell is wrong with you? How do you spend your time in the city?
Foreigner: Macy's and Bloomingdale's!
--6 Train
Also Why They Bathe Together.
Asian stoner #1: He was whitish. Wait, no, he was white. He and his brother both smoke pot and his parents do too. They even smoke together some times.
Asian stoner #2: So they, like, smoke together and stuff?
Asian stoner #1: Yeah, it's a good way to save money.
--B6, Brooklyn
Overheard by: laughing to himself
That Gives You a Card and Has Some Complicated Decimal System?
Brainy guy: I don't think I'm going to buy any books next semester.
Ditzy girl: So what do you expect to do, rent them from some sort of free book rental company?
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Vitamin C Gets Me So Hot
Queer #1: I think it looks too much like a cucumber.
Queer #2: I know...that's why I like it.
(both laugh dirtily)
--The Guggenheim
But Do "The Pee Pee Dance" for My Amusement, and We'll Talk
Desperate lady walking in diner: Can I use your bathroom?
Diner guy: Bathrooms are for customers only.
Desperate lady: I'll give you ten dollars.
Diner guy: Bathrooms are for customers.
Desperate lady: I'm desperate.
Diner guy: You can talk to the manager.
Desperate lady to manager: Can I use your bathroom?
Manager: Bathrooms are for customers.
Desperate lady: I'll give you ten dollars.
Manager: I don't need ten dollars.
--Diner, Chelsea
Overheard by: stephie
We Used to Throw Bottles, But Why Waste Good Liquor?
Hispanic mother with child on Halloween, to liquor store vendor: You got candy?
Vendor: No, no candy.
Mother to child: Know what happens when they don't got no candy baby? They get egged.
--Liquor Store, 12th St & Ave A
Now Let's Find a Hobo to Pee on Your Leg
Tourist mom: Oh, look, it's a rat! Come here kids, look, it's a rat!
Tourist kid: Eww, its gross!
Tourist mom: Remember this, this is an authentic New York City experience. See, aren't you glad we missed that subway?
--Bowling Green Station
Overheard by: Guy
...Plus Another Fifty Days of Walking
Chick #1: We should go to Montreal some time.
Chick #2: My friend was telling me about this trip he took to Canada. It was like seven hours on the Long Island Rail Road.
--N Train
Though, in Unrelated News, I Know a Great Way to Get Out Blood Stains
English teacher, discussing Huckleberry Finn: So, how does Huck make the distinction between the "right thing" and the "clean thing"?
Ditzy Asian girl: Well...it's like...when you're murdering someone and you strangle them instead of stabbing them.
--Stuyvesant High School
Disney's Going After North Korea Next
Brown girl: Oh my god, did you see the new Cheetah Girls movie? The one where they go to India? It's so offensive!
White friend: To what? Cheetahs?
Brown girl: Brown people?
--Stuyvesant High School
We'll Be Like, "That Was Sad. What's for Dinner?"
Midwestern tourist dad: Next we're going to the Empire State Building.
Six-year-old daughter: How far is it? Do we have to walk?
Midwestern tourist dad: Yes, it'll be fun.
Six-year-old daughter (in super whiny voice): Why? It's too far, I don't wanna walk!
Midwestern tourist dad: It'll be fun, we'll see the sights along the way.
Six-year-old daughter (on the verge of a tantrum): But I don't wanna!
Midwestern tourist dad (in very calm and soothing voice): Well, you can walk with us, or you can just lay down and die.
--5th Ave & 38th St
Bratz Plastic Surgery's Kinda Disturbing
Bro #1: There's this weird-looking kinda hot girl that gets on the elevator with me all the time. I finally figured out how to describe her: She looks like a hot fetus.
Bro #2: I know exactly who you're talking about!
--Columbia University
They Misunderstood About 'Speed Dating'
Guy #1: They're very...urgent.
Guy #2: Very ADD. Very ADHD.
Guy #1: Very OCD.
Guy #2: Very ASAP. Like, Ay-SAP.
Guy #1: Coked up!
--R Train
Overheard by: Eyeteeth
Is It Too Late to Apologize for Mooning You?
Black girl #1: Damn, girl! You're hairy! I dunno if it's cause I'm light-skinned, you're hairy!
Black girl #2: Thanks. Thanks... (walks away)
Black girl #1: You're like a werewolf!
--H&M Dressing Room, Queens Center Mall
Overheard by: hoping shes not a werewolf too...
And for My Brother, Whose Heart You Broke
Woman to boyfriend: You're jealous, aren't you? Why are you jealous?
Boyfriend: I'm not jealous, I'm just sad for myself.
--14th b/w 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Xtine
Just Send Me a Fax
Hobo #1: Hey, how's it going?
Hobo #2: Okay.
Hobo #1: I'll call you tonight!
Hobo #2: I don't have a phone.
Hobo #1: I know.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Natalie
How Can You Still Say That After Hearing Me Sing 'Respect'?
Four-year-old: Mooooom! I want deseeeeeert!
Yuppie mom: No, sweetie, you didn't finish your sandwich.
Four-year-old: You have no soul!
--Whole Foods, TriBeCa
Overheard by: Has Cookies
Thanks, GEICO!
Hipster guy: I'm really glad your vagina decided to stop throwing up!
Girl: I know! I saved $600 on abortion fees!
--AMC Theatre, 42nd St
Or Some Sort Of Art Installation?
Woman buying camping equipment: Hi, I was wondering if you have any sleeping bags.
Clerk: Um, this is New York, we're not so big on camping. Is this for a photo shoot?
--Army Surplus Store
And You Could Change Your Motto to "To Protect and Sever"
Drunk guy to cop with nightstick: Ya' know what, you all should get like lightsabers and shit.
Cop: That would be fun.
Drunk guy: Yeah, I'd never fuck with you guys again.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: jimmy
Unfortunately, They Also Like to Make Generalizations About Us.
Young black girl: What are all them white people doing all the way up here?
Young black girl's mother: White folk like to drink out of little cups and sit outside with them bug-eyed sunglasses on Sundays.
--Café, Lenox & 119th
Not "I'll Fuck You" Good, But Good Nonetheless
Construction worker #1 to hot girl: Damn baby, did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven?
Hot girl: (looks back and rolls her eyes)
Construction worker #2: Your name must be Candy 'cause you look so sweet!
Hot girl: (looks back and rolls her eyes again, laughing a little)
Construction worker #3: Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
Hot girl (laughs hysterically): That's gotta be the best I've ever heard!
--65th & Broadway
Overheard by: Right to the point. Nice.
Nine Times Out of Ten They'll Guess Idaho
Middle aged white woman: You know, if you're not communicating with someone you can't just stick a potato up their ass and expect them to know where you're coming from.
Middle aged ponytail guy: True, true.
--Broadway Station Bar, Astoria
We've Both Agreed to Raise a Spitter
Father-to-be: So my wife won't give me head no more.
Friend: Why? Just cuz she's pregnant?
Father-to-be: Yeah. She keeps saying anything she eats the baby eats, and she don't want it eating my jizz.
--N Train
Overheard by: bill
One of Them Gave a Ride to Jackie Paper and Everything
Hip gay teen girl #1: But she doesn't like fantasy!
Hot gay teen girl: Well, I don't like fantasy either, like I don't like Dungeons and Dragons, or dinosaurs, or anything.
Hip gay teen girl #2: But...dinosaurs were real.
--NYU Dorm
Overheard by: Samwell
The Highest-Rated GMA Broadcast Ever
Tourist man: Yeah, this is ABC studios. They film Good Morning America here.
Tourist woman: Really? (cups her eyes and peers into the studios through the glass)
Rest of family: Wow! That's amazing! (they start taking photos of the empty studio)
--Outside ABC Studios
Overheard by: Amazing!
Headline by: Aidan
Runners-Up:
· "...And If You'll Look Across the Street, You'll Notice a Lovely, Blue Honda Civic" - Prashant
· "And Yet...the Content Of the Show Was No Different" - jason
· "I Love Morning!" - Sandy Paws
· "If You Listen Hard Enough You Can Hear Al Roker Laughing at His Own Jokes." - Nicole
· "Tour Groups For The Blind Really Can Be Quite Cruel." - alex
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
He's Now the Troop Expert on How to Pitch a Tent
Ghetto woman: She raped a 12-year-old boy?
Ghetto man: Yeah, she just opened the door and grabbed him and started fucking him.
Ghetto woman: Damn, that nigga probably went back and told all the Boy Scouts!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Skyler Fox
Slows Me Down on the Bike
Bike messenger #1: Education is so fucking overrated. Honestly, the worst mistake I ever made.
Bike messenger #2: Uhhh...
Bike messenger #1: Serious fucking waste of time.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Neilium
And We Can Charge Admission
Blonde girl, looking up at bridge: The Brooklyn Bridge can blow me.
Brown haired girl: Ugh! Word!
--South Street
Overheard by: how does that work?
Wiisday One-Liners
Guy, getting his hair cut: So I spent $150 more than I would have if I got the Wii in the store, 'cause my wife said, "If I don't get Guitar Hero, I will divorce you."
--SoHo
Dork: Don't call it a Gameboy...you're downgrading my PSP.
--The Village
Small Asian kid, pounding the computer mouse in frustration: Where the hell is Carmen Sandiego?!
--Chinese School
40-year-old guy with ten-year-old kid, to GameStop employee: Excuse me, I'm thinking of buying GTA for my son. Is there a way to turn off the profanity?
--GameStop, Park Ave
Overheard by: Jake C.
Angry guy to girlfriend: Look, I get the whole not wanting to have public sex thing, but I don't know if I can be with someone who won't play Wii.
--43rd & Madison
Wednesday One-Liners Will Slap You Like a Red-Headed Stepchild
Woman on cell: Shut up! Shut up! I'm going to punch you in the face! I love you.
--A Bus
Spanish chick: Two things can't happen tonight. One, I can't get in a fight tonight. Two, I can't see nobody I don't like.
--5th Ave & 11th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
Homeless, burnt-out surfer lady: Then I looked up, and this cunt is about to hit me like a man!
--139th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jesse Cromer
Guy to girl: The next time your parents chuckle at my misfortunes, I'm gonna kick 'em in the nuts. I'm gonna kill 'em!
--20th St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn
Jamaican conductor over PA: Don't move between cars while the train is in motion. I don't want to have to knock you the fuck out.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Got Knocked Out
When You Wednesday Upon a One-Liner, It Makes No Difference Who You Are
Guy walking by himself: I wish everybody who is not mentally ill would just drop dead!
--9th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Rear Admiral Butts
Guy (admiringly, to attractive girl passing by): Damn, girl, I wish you were a guy!
--14th St & 1st Ave
Ditzy girl to another, about her boyfriend: He's teaching himself philosophy right now. He bought a philosophy dictionary. He can do that, you know, because he's so smart. I wish I could do that!
--Astoria
Overheard by: squarehand
Young guy to girl: Dude, I wish Dali was still around so he could do my album.
--Museum of Modern Art
Overheard by: Gino
Serious girl: I wish I had gotten the ovaries!
--Korean Baptist Church, Astoria
Overheard by: Evan
It's Wednesday One-Liners, Paleface!
Guy to friend: When Obama wins, I'm going to slap a white person.
--Central Park Bench
Overheard by: Lane
Lady getting sprayed with perfume by her friend: Stop. Stop it! You gonna make me smell like white people.
--East Drive, Prospect Park
Overheard by: White smelly jogger
Black gay man sans shirt, upon seeing group of white girls wandering: Oh my god, white girls! Oh, I didn't mean it like that.
--Christopher St
Gentleman walking past Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too restaurant: Man, black people eating tofu, white people eating spoonbread...
--W 110th & Columbus
Gingy, referring to ebony colored condoms: This way, when I fuck a white boy he'll still be black!
--E Broadway 99 Cent Store
Black lady in african garb: Too many white flower! Need more black power! (the only white girl around looks up confusedly, now black lady screams in her face) White flower!
--125th & Adam Clayton Powell
Overheard by: Ruby
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Subway Sandwiches
Lost-looking chick on cell: Why do they always fuck with the trains on weekends? Don't they know there are stoned people trying to get home?
--Subway Platform, Grand Central
Overheard by: Poogtastic
Loudspeaker dispatcher lady: Hey you! Uptown number 5! You better stop sticking your head out the window and answer me on the radio!
--Uptown 4,5,6 Train, Union Square
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Elegant gentleman, as train starts to depart station: Oh, I didn't realize the train was going to move.
--Crowded Uptown 1 Train
MTA announcement: The uptown 1 train is running.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Krisztina
Dispatcher: The arriving train will be the next train. The arriving train will be the next train.
--G Train, Court Square
Overheard by: Katrink
Old man: I'm coming, train. I'm coming. I'm coming, train, you son of a bitch bastard!
--6 Train
The More the Merrier, Wednesday One-Liners!
Elderly woman sipping wine: Three girls and one guy? Sounds like a good time!
--Queens
Overheard by: amused cashier
Dude on cell: Hey bro, whatcha doing? Oh, yeah? What about your friend, does he like doing that? Does he like it a lot? Do you think I can come over? Well, then we can all do that together, a lot. (sees people looking at him) I'll talk to you later, bro.
--Church St Post Office
Overheard by: deshaunicus
Serious girl: And then they asked for a three-way, but a tasteful one.
--15th St & 5th Ave
Middle aged woman to friend: I just got this bike seat but I have to return it. I was riding around on it yesterday and when I woke up this morning, I felt like I'd been gang-banged by the Pittsburgh Steelers.
--Bike Shop, 12th St & Ave B
20-something chick: I am *so* over threesomes. There's just too much going on!
--Weight Room, Coles Gym
Overheard by: M.F.
White chick in sundress: I'm too naive for their kind of orgies.
--Dallas BBQ, 165th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Drunk guy at bar: I have to pee, but first I have one word for you: threesome.
--Crocodile Lounge
Looking for a Date, Wednesday One-Liners?
White guy to friend: Do they eat Thai hookers? I'd eat a Thai hooker.
--47th & Lexington
30-something pudgy guy: So this girl was eyeing me the whole night, and it turns out she was a prostitute! And I was like, "Man! I thought she really liked me!"
--Bleecker St & 6th Ave
Girl in tight purple dress and too much makeup, shouting to friend: I am not a prostitute. I'm a ho!
--Phone Booth, Coney Island
Overheard by: not going there
Mom to son: I'm not a two-dollar hooker! More like a...hundred thousand dollar one.
--Park Ave
Elderly man to another: You just can't run a country like a whorehouse.
--12th St & Ave A
Girl on cell: You stole my secret prostitute name!
--7th Ave & LeRoy St
How Many One-Liners Are in a Wednesday? Show Your Work
Serious hipster girl: There is a nine-out-of-ten percent chance she won't call, but there is a one percent chance she will.
--L Train
Overheard by: Kansas
Grad student: You slept with him? This is not a good data-point.
--Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Serious 20-something: You know pi? Like 3.14? You could shave the symbol into your pubes and you'd have hair pi.
--Coffe Bar Lounge
Student: Math chicks aren't the most glorious specimens of femininity.
--Shake Shack
Overheard by: Mary Elizabeth
Young man to friend: If you add it up, it's a lot of money. But when you do the math, it's not really that much money.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Joy
Older cousin to younger cousin: How are you going to be rich if you don't like math? Rich people are good at math. They have to count their money.
--Stuyvesant Square
Overheard by: Peanut
Girl complaining to math teacher: No, you don't understand. I can't multiply past six.
--Marymount Manhattan College
Overheard by: Austin G.
The Passion of the Wednesday One-Liner
Tourist lady on cell: Well, the last I heard she wasn't even sure what her relationship with Jesus is anymore.
--Starbucks, 42nd & 8th
Annoyed dressed-up girl to friend: I mean, I'm not hating on Jesus. It's just that he's not my man like he's your man. I don't hop into bed with him every night!
--25th St & 7th Ave
Woman walking by street dancers: By the dangling testes of Christ on the cross!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Lauren
Curly-haired chick: You've found *other* people's fatal flaws--baggage, Jesus, etcetera.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Poogins
NYU student: Well, you know things always get complicated when Jesus comes into the picture.
--Cooper Square
Controversial professor: Does anyone have anything nice to say about Jesus, that poor son of a bitch?
--Columbia University
Wednesday One-Liners-- What the Fudge?
Professor, to deaf student's interpreter: Do you deal with "fuck" and "shit" and all that?
--Pratt Institute
Mother to bickering daughters: Let me tell you something: you two bags are the only motherfuckers I got left!
--21st St & 35th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Daniel Boris Dzula
Young woman in burqa on cell: And Jesus Christ! What the fuck was that bitch thinking?
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: ABrooklynBaby'sNanny
Girl on cell: And he said, "I am trying to learn here!" and I said, "fuck you!"
--112 & Broadway
Overheard by: Nathan
Hobo: I was in Nantucket when I lost my bucket! Then I said, "fuck it!"
--Union Square
Overheard by: Stacy
Woman crying to friend: I don't want to do the fucking SAG Awards!
--Bryant Park
Wednesday One-Liners for LeVar Burton
Chipper, young, possibly gay guy with afro to random woman, after switching seats and moving closer: Sorry to bother you, but I just had to tell you this. I have this book of all these, like, African kings and queens and princesses and stuff. And I just had to tell you that you look just like one of the African queens in it. Like, just like her! Oh, I wish I had the book with me! I would show her to you.
--Q Train
Overheard by: katiek
Super-irate hippie chick in braids, yelling on cell: Thanks to you, everyone thinks I'm a fucking freak. Everyone looks at me like I'm fucking Pearl from the fucking Scarlet Letter!
--Court St & Bergen
Overheard by: Siobhan
Young deli clerk on phone, in confidential tones: William Shakespeare! Shakespeare!
--4th Ave & Bergen St, Boerum Hill
Cockeyed old man in hat to Strand employee: Where are the regular books?
--Strand Bookstore, 12th St & Broadway
Annoying rich girl to friend: So I got a library card so I can read more, but then I realized that I don't like used things and I stopped going.
--Bookstore, 71st St & Lexington
Girl (outside of her AP English classroom): Wait...Huck Finn never had syphilis!
--Stuyvesant High School
Woman to friend helping her find a book: You don't have to worry about giving away the ending. I know what happens to those six million people.
--The Strand
Wednesday One-Liners Thank God for Their Piggy Banks
Little boy,jumping up and down: The Dow Jones is up! The Dow Jones is up!
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Some Random Girl
Crazy man, shouting at no one in particular: Fuck the economy, your asshole just dropped 200 points!
--8th Ave & 19th St
Slacker on a smoke break: Yeah, McCain said he is going to suspend his campaign so that he can work on the economy. I mean, really. It would be like me saying I'm suspending my pot distribution so that I can work on quantum physics.
--Forest Ave., Staten Island
Overheard by: political listener
Hobo on subway to man in suit: Spare change? Anyone? Spare change for the homeless? You look like you worked for Lehman Brothers, you're excused.
--51st St
Overheard by: Kate
Who Gets Medical Testing on Vacation?
Four-year-old boy: What's taking so long?
Mom: Well, you know how today you have a vacation from school? Well, a lot of other people have a vacation from work.
(very long pause)
Four-year-old boy: That's crap.
--Waiting Room, LabCorp in Bayside
Overheard by: Mary
Or We Could Go for Fro-Yo
Drunk girl #1: You can buy the morning after pill with your ID now!
Drunk girl #2: Yeah, I was think about buying a hamster from PETCO now that I'm old enough!
--3rd Ave & 13th St
At Which Point, the Party's Over Before It's Begun
Woman #1: They're teaching sex ed in school. But he wasn't understanding what "menstruation" was, so I told him it was like throwing a party, and you put up decorations and make a cake, but no one shows up so you tear it all down and throw it away.
Woman #2: That's clever.
Woman #1: And that premature ejaculation is when everyone shows up to the party two hours too early while you're still getting ready.
--Bench, Central Park
Overheard by: Rebecca
We're Descended from Thomas Jefferson
History teacher: And who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
White girl: Thomas Jefferson.
Black boy: Oh, I was gonna say "George Jefferson."
Black girl: "George Jefferson" is the name of the chicken place by your house, fool!
--LaGuardia Arts High School
Overheard by: George Jefferson
Explains Why She Always Got Me Blacklight Posters for Christmas
Girl #1: Oh... I love that smell...smells like my grandma's garden.
Girl #2: Huh? I smell marijuana.
Girl #1: Oh... (long silence)
--Union Square
A Meeting of the Spring Street Young Republicans Club
Guy #1: Women should be kept in pods like in The Matrix. And whenever we want one, we just pay a fee and rent them for a few days for sex and cooking. Then we put them back. They shouldn't be allowed to walk the streets...ever.
Guy #2: Or they should be put in a one big room where they sew and cook and sip tea until they get a call.
Guy #1: Yeah, that's a bit more humane, I guess.
--Spring & Varick
Law & Order Finally Begins to Run Thin on Plot Scenarios
Tourist: We're jaywalking in front of a policeman!
Policeman: Heh.
--Jackson Heights
Overheard by: pop pop
Even at Bed, Bath and Beyoobies?
Two-year-old boy, pointing at dinnerware: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: No.
Two-year-old boy, pointing at pots: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: No.
Two-year-old boy, pointing at woman: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: Yes, but that's rude.
--Bed Bath & Beyond
Bet You Don't Even Salute the Baby When You Walk Into a Room
Chick, leaning on wall holding baby: Yo, lemme get a cigarette?
Guy, walking out of the train station: Nah, not with that baby in your hand.
Chick: Pssh, I'm not pregnant.
Guy: Not with that baby in your hand, that's disrespectful.
--Queens Boulevard
Overheard by: A Good Reason Not to Have Kids
Who Holds the Patent on Alizarian Crimson
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, so she has her own nail business now. You know, she mixes her own colors and everything.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, kind of like Satan.
--79th & Broadway
Sung to the Tune of "If I Were a Rich Man"
Hobo #1: If I was a robot, see...
Hobo #2: Yeah, yeah...a robot!
--91st & 5th
Overheard by: Adam
Nobody Respects a Wimpy Whiner, Y'know
Teen: I'll get us a cab.
Grandma: Let's just walk, it's only a few blocks from here.
Teen: Are you sure? What about your hip?
Grandma: Well, it hurts, dear, but I'm not going to be a pussy about it.
--57th St
He Says I Always Smell Skanktastic
Chick #1: It smells like bathroom deodorizer in here.
Chick #2: I was spraying so much cheap perfume on my crotch today that my roommate finally came in and told me to stop. I was so nervous because I'm meeting my ex-boyfriend later, and the cheap stuff doesn't last long.
--Bedford Ave
Overheard by: akesmith
Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds Didn't Always Get Along During the Filming Of Singin' in the Rain
Disgruntled woman: You know, you could take someone's eye out if you're not careful with that umbrella.
Umbrella-wielding man, cheerily: That is perfectly okay!
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Lysa
Parenthood, in a Nutshell
Small boy: I want to go downtown!
Patient mother: We are going downtown.
Small boy: I want to go uptown!
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Lucky 13
Hispanic woman #1: That old man goes from woman to woman. I mean, if you can get your little wormie to work, why not right?
Hispanic woman #2: I know! He has so many women coming in and out of his apartment. It's like he's 13 again.
--Staten Island Ferry
Or in Your Case, Like Buying Skincare Products
Metro male #1: I was gonna stop smoking...again... But when I take Adderall I smoke a lot more.
Metro male #2: What's it like?
Metro male #1: Adderall?
Metro male #2: Yeah.
Metro male #1: It's like being at a bar, drunk, hitting on girls.
Metro male #2: What?
--Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: David Last
How Mike and Larry Got Fired from Their Job As Olympic Commentators
Man #1: I feel like with this new Speedo shit it's unfair, they're all breaking world records. They should swim in the nude, so it's fair. Plus, you could see their dongs.
Man #2: Michael Phelps' dong! That's why I like basketball, because they all wear shorts and you can at least see a outline.
--The Abbey Bar
Overheard by: Robyn Stegman
Now C'mon, Let's Go Get Your Tubes Tied
Girl #1: I don't understand why parents are upset when babies die...it's not like they've accomplished anything.
Girl #2: I think there's more to it than that.
--Howard Ave, Staten Island
I'd Totally Punch Him If My Triceps Weren't Sore from All the Gold-Digging
Mom with stroller: It's not the strippers I'm mad about, it's the 1,200 dollars.
Friend: Totally.
Mom with stroller: He could have bought me the diamond earrings I've been wanting with that.
Friend: Oh, the little diamond studs you keep talking about? I love those.
--7th Ave & Bleecker
Overheard by: John E
And It Fits Me Like a Glove!
Person #1: New suit?
Person #2: No, I got cancer.
--Broadway
Trans Day at Shea
Drunk guy #1: Alright, just saying, if all of us and our friends were chicks, who would get a boob job?
Drunk guy #2: Oh, definitely Mike*. You know, I would definitely say him. He's pretty vain.
(two innings and many beers later)
Drunk guy #1: Alright, if we all were chicks, who'd be clean shaven?
Drunk guy #3: It'd be Steve*. I mean, he already manscapes!
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Number 6
Headline by: stephie
Runners-Up:
· "Alright, If We All Were Chicks, What Base Would You Go to With Me?" - Rosie
· "And Which One Would Go Lesbian With Me?" - Meredith
· "And to Answer Your Next Question, Frank Already Does Anal So....." - I'd shave too.
· "How We Ended Up Giving One Another Head, But Not in a Gay Way" - Rionn Fears Malechem
· "Then Raise Your Beers and Answer Me This, "Who Would Swallow?"" - Bobo D Clown
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Thinks Dictionaries Are for Sucking
Dyed blonde: What's a "hatch"? As in "down the hatch"?
Blonde: Oh, that's like when baby birds break out of their eggs!
Brunette: Don't ask the blonde!
--3rd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: It's part of a ship, actually
I'm Thinking! I'm Thinking!
Black lady #1: Do you like cheese?
Black lady #2: Cheese?
Black lady #1: Cheese...
Black lady #2: (...)
Black lady #1: Cheese, cheese!
--New York Port Authority
Overheard by: Igor Petrov
Which Is the Rarely-Invoked Exception to the "Dirty Dog" Clause
Wall Street suit #1: Wait, wait--you did it in her parent's house...while her parents were home?! You dirty dog!
Wall Street suit #2: They have a water bed!
Wall Street suit #1: Dude!
--Au Bon Pain, Broadway & W 3rd
Reader Poll: What's Going on Here?
Girl #1: Wow, you must be in so much pain.
Girl #2: Not really, I'll just be really embarrassed when I have to change my pants.
--Minskoff Theatre
Overheard by: FerretMan
Hey, You're the One Who Said Hot-Pink Rhinestones Were Coming Back
Girl #1, coming out of bar: Oh my god, can you believe he thought I was interested in him? My tastes are way better than that!
Girl #2: And yet you bought that jacket.
Girl #1: What did you say?
Girl #2: Nothing...
--Bedford & 9th St
Overheard by: I agree with your friend
With Slightly Less Gold
Ditz #1: Did you know Beverly Hills was, like, its own city?
Ditz #2: Yeah, it's like the Vatican!
--2nd & 7th
Overheard by: Like, Totally.
I Was Afraid He Mocked Her Shoes, or Something
Girl: What does "patronizing a prostitute" mean?
Guy: Uh, it means picking up a hooker.
Girl: Oh. Well, that's what my cousin's boyfriend just got arrested for.
--N Train
That Dead Fly on the Rim Is Almost Like a Little Umbrella
Well-dressed bridge & tunnel young girl: I'll have a cosmopolitan.
Bartender: We don't serve cosmos here.
Well-dressed bridge & tunnel young girl: Fine, I'll have a gin and tonic.
Bartender: We've got two types of beer. Light and dark.
(woman pauses in thought)
Bartender: Here, honey. Try the light. It's kind of like a cosmo.
--McSorley's, Bowery & 7th
How Men Talk About Their Feelings
Bro #1: Dude, I fucked her two nights ago and she keeps calling me. Fuck that bitch, I can get so much better pussy.
Bro #2: I love motion sensor dispensers...it makes me feel like I have The Force.
--Bar Bathroom, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Manc
I Believe We Settled Upon "Turkey Drumstick"
Hipster girl #1: Oh my god, I think we were talking about the shape of my leg last night.
Hipster girl #2: We totally were!
--3rd Ave & 14th St
And by the Way, He's Ross and I'm Rachel
Hell's kitchen gay #1: Is it too weird that my boyfriend and I dated the same guy?
Hell's kitchen gay #2: Uhh...
Hell's kitchen gay #1: Well, I broke up with Jake, and then Jake broke up with Travis, and then Travis and I got together.
Hell's kitchen gay #2: Well at least you were all broken up first.
--53rd & 8th
I Have Considerable Skill at Butt-Crushing
Eight-year-old son to father stubbing out cigarette: Can I do it?
Father: No.
Son: Why not?
Father: Because it's for me to do.
Son: But I know what I'm doing, I'm good at it.
--36th St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: V
The Single Best Thing About Being a Gentile
Girl: Can Jews have sex on Shabbos?
Friend: Are you serious?
Girl: Well, I don't know! They can't drive cars, they can't carry money, they even have a special elevator for them in hospitals! What can they do?
Friend: Apparently, not drive to hospitals and pay people to have sex with them in elevators.
--77th & York
For Your Information, I Can Microwave Instant Pasta with the Best of 'Em!
Italian American: You're from Italy? I'm Italian too.
Italian tourist: You're not Italian.
Italian American: What? You don't think my family's from Italy? Go fuck yourself.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Not Italian
The Sequined Evening Gown's Just a Little Something I'm Trying Out
Crazy hobo: Well, hey baby, you're beautiful!
Pedestrian: I'm a man, dammit, I'm a man!
--9th Ave
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