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Small Talk, New York Style
Black hobo to passing tourist: Where you from?
Tourist: Ireland.
Black hobo: You Irish?
Tourist: Yeah.
Black hobo: Well, god bless the Irish. And god bless the Italians. And fuck everyone else!
--8th Ave & 22nd St
Overheard by: Doug Tischler
Today I Got It Braided
Cougar #1: Did you wax your asshole today?
Cougar #2: No, every other Wednesday.
--The Waverly Inn
...Oh-- Hi, Mom
Bus driver: We have no more room on this bus. There is another right behind me.
Angry black woman in line: Let me on!
Bus driver: Look, lady, there is no room on this bus!
Angry black woman: You won't let me on because I'm black!
Black teen: It's not because you black, nigga, it's because you a stupid selfish motherfucka.
--M14 Bus
Overheard by: Student Teacher
Nothing Involving African Americans, Ma'am
Hoochie lady to friend: Hooooo! Girl! Close yo' legs! You stinking up the whole damn train!
(stranger laughs)
Friend to stranger: What you think is so funny, white boy?
--Metro North
Chase Is an Equal-Opportunity Forecloser
African American bank employee: Ma'am, it's not Chase's fault that you had to go to a Citibank at 4 am because there was a homeless man sleeping in the Chase lobby. We cannot refund the $1.50 fee that Citibank charged you.
90-year-old woman: He was Caucasian! Can you believe it?
African American bank employee: Ma'am, even Caucasians can be homeless.
--Chase Bank
I Don't Know What That Has to Do with Photosynthesis, But Good Question
NYU student: Are mountain goats agile?
Professor: Hell yeah!
--Mercer Street
SpongeBob Turned Out to Be Gayer Than Anyone Suspected
Older woman #1: Baby and I are watching SpongeBob No Pants tonight! Is that what they're calling it nowadays?
Older woman #2: I believe so!
--23rd & 3rd Ave
Marie Had Always Thought Her Titty-Jiggling Was Second to None
Tall, well-dressed transvestite to 20-something staring at her: Bitch, I can jiggle my titties *just* as good as you.
Shocked 20-something to friend: What...can she really?
--14th St Subway Station
Hence the Renowned A Tree Grows in Queens
Teenage hippie: Are we at Queens yet?
African American man: Yeah, duh.
Teenage hippie: How can you tell?
African American man: See those trees? Trees don't grow in Brooklyn. They only grow in Queens.
--J train
Overheard by: Charlie Zhen
Josh Wins Every Conversation and Has No Friends
Hipster artsy girl: So, did you do that, like, big art show?
Hipster artsy boy: Which one?
Hipster artsy girl: Um, I don't know.
Hipster artsy boy: Then yes.
--W 23rd & 10th
Yeah, But That's Like Saying "World Peace"
Girl, passing by a store: Hey, is there anything you want?
Guy: To get ABBA out of my head!
--6th Ave & 14th St
Overheard by: Heck Yeah
Who Says Kids These Days Can't Keep Themselves Occupied?
Little boy #1: Where are we going?
Little boy #2: We're walking to Russia.
--33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Miss Sunita
Then We'll Dip Into the Sacrificial Wine and Have a Good Laugh
Woman #1: She keeps acting all funny now, and I'm up to the point where I'll have to beat her ass.
Woman #2: You crazy.
Woman #1: I'm beating her ass right in church, you watch me!
Woman #2 (laughing): You crazy!
Woman #1: I'll say "Lord, forgive me," before I beat her ass down right in front of the altar!
--PATH Train
Overheard by: Manhattman
Can We Get a Picture with You, Rude New Yorker?
(a couple of guys want to get a picture of a taxi crashed into a lamppost)
Guy #1 (handing camera to passerby): Can you take our picture?
Guy #2: In front of the taxi. (pause) We're tourists.
New Yorker: Yeah, I know.
--Near Cake Shop
Overheard by: Shutterbug
You Can, Too-- We Really Don't Mind
Young black teen: Is that a North Face jacket you're wearing?
White guy: Yes, it is.
Other young black teen: Do you use it to go skiing?
White guy: Uh, yes.
Young black teen to friend: See! I told you white people use North Face jackets to go skiing!
--F Train
But After Dinosaur Time
Mom to kid: You said you wanted a history book, what were you thinking?
Kid to mom: Like, "History." Back in horse time.
--Bookstore, Greenpoint
Overheard by: eefers
The Governor's Accent Tends to Throw People Off
Guy #1, wearing American Apparel sweater: Brr.
Guy #2: Man, I freaking hate American Apparel!
Guy #1: Yeah, this sweater's thin as hell!
Guy #2: No, I mean like they're all "American" Apparel" so they can sell to Americans, pretending to be made by Americans. Meanwhile, their clothes are being made in California!
--Elevator, St. George Hotel, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Crazy Person
Juan Valdez! I Love Him!
Girl #1: Oh my god, I can't believe we saw him! And he just re-signed with the Yankees!
Girl #2: Oh my god, I love José Canseco!
Girl #1: You mean Jorge Posada, right?
Girl #2: Yeah, sure, whoever you said!
--50th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Jason
So We Know It's Fierce
Boyfriend: I guess we can get some stuff at Gristedes, the ghetto grocery.
Girlfriend: Gristedes isn't ghetto! It was on Project Runway!
--Gristedes
Overheard by: Fox
Which Is So Long It Stretches Around the Black
(waiting in line at the DMV)
Black supervisor with thick Jamaican accent to preppy white mom accompanying her daughter: You sit down. (mumbles something else)
White mom: Did he say "only Africans wait in line"?
White daughter: No, mom, "only *applicants* wait in line."
--Harlem DMV
Yoko Ono Might Argue That This Was NOT Here
Tourist woman: Look! Look up, there it is!
Tourist man: Really, that's it? I don't think that's it.
Tourist woman (pointing at "Empire State Building" label): No, look. It says right there.
Tourist man: Oh, I guess you're right... this must be it.
--Empire State Building, 34th & 5th
A Tradition I Continue to Honor
Girl: Did you know that my ancestors invented the thing that links subway cars together?
Guy: Did you know that my ancestors got drunk in the subway cars?
--MTA Transit Museum
The Public's Reaction to Julia Roberts' Performance in Charlie Wilson's War
Woman on phone: This is completely unacceptable! You work for the United States Government, and this is completely unacceptable!
Crazy old man: Shut up, you stupid cow!
--Hudson & Charles
So I Refused to Continue Delivering Her Baby
Man: I just don't know why it had to be so dramatic.
Woman: Joe, she kicked me in the face. Twice.
--R Train
Overheard by: LH
It Tells Me Stories About Jesters and Dragons
Woman #1: So, I went to the dermatologist the other day, and she said it doesn't have to be removed.
Woman #2: Oh...good!
Woman #1: I know! I was like, "good!" I'm very attached to it, and it's very attached to me!
Woman #3: Wait...what are we talking about?
Woman #1 (in loud whisper): I have a...huge mole. On my ass.
--Deli, 7th & Ave A
Why Would You Ever Delete Facebook but Keep MySpace?
Teen girl: So I deleted my Facebook.
Teen guy: See! There's another one!
Teen girl: Another what?
Teen guy: Another difference, my last girlfriend deleted her MySpace and kept her Facebook. That's, like, so weird.
Teen girl: But we both had both.
Teen guy: Don't argue.
--2 Train
Sorey Asses Are What We Had After That Bondage Seminar
Girl, reading Hydrocortisone cream label: What is "sorey asses"?
Friend: It's "psoriasis," asshole!
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Sarah
Just When People Had Stopped Looking for Carrie Bradshaw's House...
Teenage boy in Boston Celtics jacket: Ewww, this is Jackson Heights?
Father: Yeah, I guess so.
Bored tween girl: Can we go back to the hotel, puh-lease?
Mom: Not yet. I want to find where Ugly Betty lives.
--Jackson Heights
Overheard by: Jellobelle
Those Guys Are So Ignorant
Security guard to group of teenagers: Where are you from? Are you from the West Coast? I want to know what's going on over there.
Teenager: We're from Washington, DC.
Security guard: Oh, that's on the West Coast.
Teenager: No, Washington, DC is on the East Coast.
Security guard: Ohhh. You've got all those politicians, huh? That sucks.
--Bowrey Ballroom
Overheard by: Fifi
Like the British Invasion Itself
NYU chick as "Back in the USSR" plays: Why are they playing so much 80s music?
NYU dude: It's cool, it's The Beatles.
NYU chick: Such a weird song, like Russia's all great or something.
NYU dude: I think it's supposed to be ironic.
--Bleecker & Broadway
All I Did Was Buy Her That Apartment.
Guy #1: Remember that whore you were pissing on?
Guy #2: She was not a whore. Can we just clear that up now? She was just a horny Asian girl.
Guy #3: Well, if you kissed her and didn't pay her, she's not technically a whore.
Guy #2: Right.
--9th St & 3rd Ave
As Kind of a "Welcome to the Neighborhood"
Hispanic guy to tall guy passing by: Pssst!
(tall guy turns head without stopping)
Tall guy: No, thanks. (keeps walking and Hispanic guy starts following him)
Hispanic guy: Psssssst!
(tall guy stops at door, opens it)
Hispanic guy: Oh, you live here. I live over there. Why don't you let me suck your dick?
--35th & 9th
Overheard by: Brad
Tonight's Movie: Big Trouble in Little Intestine
Young boy to mother: You poop too much. You poop all the time.
Mother: But everyone poops all the time. It's good to poop. People who don't poop are in trouble because they are constipated.
--Food Coop, Park Slope
Overheard by: Sometimes I'm in trouble too
M'am, That's Kind of Why He's in This Line-up in the First Place
Girl #1: What do you think?
Girl #2: Oh! He's kind of cute...except he looks kind of like a serial killer.
--Le Royale, West Village
Overheard by: Pierre Pierre
Headline by: Elise
Runners-Up:
· "Bloodstains Will Do That" - benji
· "Exactly What the Dexter Ads Were Aiming For" - Peter
· "Gossip Between Jurors at the Ted Bundy Trial" - ted bundy
· "OMG! If He Asks Me Out, I'll Just Die!" - juls
· "The Hockey Mask Is a Nice Touch, Though." - Sandy Paws
· "To Be Fair, She Said That About Almost Every Guy Tammy Set Her Up With Who Happened to Have a Swatstika Tattoo on His Forehead" - Rebecca Loeser
· "What With the Clown Make-up and All" - BabakganoosH
· "Why Girls Like Cats" - lucyconnuk
· "You Know, Kind Of a Lady Killer Type, Ya Know?" - c
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Don't Think This Is the Netherlands
Tourist #1: Are we in New York?
Tourist #2: I hope so.
--82nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Native New Yorker
Instead of Just My Socks, Like Usual
Guy promoting comedy club: Hey ladies, you like comedy? Fuck Broadway, they're all run and acted by terrorists.
Girl passing by: Yeah? Well, if Jennifer Garner and Kevin Kline are terrorists I'll eat my own pants in Times Square!
--Broadway
Here, Have Some Cocaine and Move It!
Businesswoman, trying to pass woman down narrow sidewalk: Excuse me, you are walking very slowly.
Slow woman: I'm not in a rush.
Businesswoman: Where do you think you are, Connecticut?
--Fulton b/w Cliff & Gold
Overheard by: Zach
Wednesday One-Liners Powder Their Noses
Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen...okay...(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry--I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands)
--34th St & 9th St
Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning!
--Penn Station Bathroom
Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me.
--25th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: I agree
Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?
--Restroom, Grand Central
Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!
--Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Wednesday One-Liners Are Great--Just Ask Them
Guy: I finally found someone who's as crazy about me as I am!
--1st Ave & 2nd St
Young guy to girlfriend: Sometimes I listen to myself and I think, "How do I know *so much* about marketing?"
--Downtown E Train
Guy to friend in movie theater, just before movie starts: Dude, my blog post today was *so* good.
--Loews Theater, 34th St
Girl: I'm attractive and I have a lot of friends!
--PATH Train
Overheard by: tb
Girl to friends: Hey guys... I'm really glad we're us. Or else I'd be really jealous of us.
--West Village
Overheard by: Max
Wednesday Ugliners
Employee: I was eatin' with my fried Okra and I vomited all over your fetus...and that's why you're so ugly.
--The Strand Bookstore
Overheard by: Dazzle
Girl on cell: Oh, please! That bitch is ugly and her cooch probably smells too, he can have her! Because I don't need him or his greasy ass head or pencil dick. (pause) What? Oh, fuck you also! (hangs up and storms off)
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Rich
Serious gay black man on phone: Oh, please honey...there are just so many ugly white women in Europe...it's got to be something in the water!
--45th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Culturally Challenged
20-something guy on cell: She ain't the prettiest bitch, but she got these crazy little hands.
--Throop & Macon, Bedford-Stuyvesant
Overheard by: elephantgiraffe
Hipster girl: I have ugly friends. I just don't hang out with them on weekends.
--McCarren Park Pool
Overheard by: I don't hang out with ugly people
Attractive tween to friends: And then Lindsay's aunt came into the bathroom to comfort us and said, "pretty people always get blamed for things ugly people do."
--W 65th St. & Columbus Ave
Mr. Yankovic's Wednesday One-Liners
Random white male on cell: People thought I was weird as shit in high school... Cause I hung out with all the black people!
--Washington Square Park
Uptown girl: This place is...this is weird.
--St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Emily B.
Girl: She was weird. She had, like, a Midwestern accent or something. I think she was from Maine.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Tattooed 20-something girl: He's such a weirdo; I had to ask six times for his urine.
--J Train
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Chick on cell: He's had his dick in me, but I worry it would be out of line to Facebook friend him. Modern life is so weird.
--Columbia University
Wednesday One-Liners Buy Hardware for Their Software
Large black lesbian to friends going into a sex shop: I don't wanna see no dildos unless I'm being fucked!
--Greenwich Village
Overheard by: J.D.
Mormon girl, loudly agreeing with friend: Yeah, I know, I know! I didn't even know what a dildo was until I got here! Like, freshman year!
--Outside Lerner Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: But what about a vibrator?
Loudest black girl in group of loud black teens: What I recommend, to every fuckin' nigga, is the vibratin' cock ring.
--14th St, Outside Urban Outfitters
Overheard by: Now curious about cockrings
Loud tourist girl: But Susan's butt-plug was only $75.
--Orchard & Rivington
Overheard by: MattyB
Man with thick Brooklyn accent on cell: I got the thing...yes the fuckin thing for the thing...yes, but I'm tellin' you the fuckin thing is definitely not big enough for her.
--31st St & 7th Ave
30-something woman to friend: So, between the time I got back from the meeting and the time you called me, I used my vibrator three times. (pauses and realizes everyone on the train is listening) Oh. Did I say that really loudly?
--D Train
Wednesday One-Liners Get Schooled
Professor: So what do we know about these debt notes?" (silence) So what do *I* know about these debt notes, that obviously you don't know?
--NYU Law School
Overheard by: Ames
Professor: My favorite words to hear are "just do nothing." My second favorites are "open bar."
--College of Mount Saint Vincent, Bronx
Environmental history professor: Look at some of the items on this menu from a hotel of Chicago Thanksgiving dinner from 1872: loin of buffalo, antelope steak in mushroom sauce, ham of bear, black tail deer, leg of mountain sheep, buffalo tongue... Miss Palin, your table is ready.
--Classroom, Fordham University
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
Linguistics professor, about Spanish-speaking families who live in Spanish-speaking neighborhoods: The only English these people hear is from their landlords and social workers.
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Latka Hero
NYU professor: So we're going to be walking, and you'll notice I walk pretty fast. But we're in New York, and you're supposed to walk like you know exactly where you're going in life and nothing is in your way. Because if you slow down you'll get mugged. (beat) It's dog eat dog, people.
--NYU Classroom
Russian literature professor: Oh my god, you just totally missed the point of Jesus!
--NYU Classroom
Wednesday One-Liners Clean Everything Up Before Their Parents Get Back
Black woman in trashy outfit: And he said "But the party just started, bitch, I'll take you in a few hours!" and I was like, "Nigga please! My water just broke!"
--Lower East Side
Asian bimbo on cell: I just spoke to Percy and allegedly they threw a party after we were fired, to celebrate us getting fired...but we're people too.
--181 & St Nicholas
Overheard by: must not have liked you
Hipster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the cobra snake at a party, with a cig in my hand and Paul* between my thighs.
--NYU Dorm
Overheard by: Dayn
Tattooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I'm bringing a 250-foot Slip 'N Slide!
--7th & 13th St
Overheard by: can I come to that party?
Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why didn't you invite to your party? Damn...c'mon! Remember that time the chick in a wheelchair was working us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheelchair! Remember we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That's right--that was me! She was giving us both head.
--BBQ Restroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea
20-something woman: Wait...when is it a rule to give the host a handjob?
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Jazz
Wednesday One-Liners Dig Deuteronomy
Old Jewish woman at the start of Yom Kippur: I think god wants me to be in a theater rather than in temple.
--45th & 8th
Little boy to friend: It wasn't until last year that I realized that not everybody is Jews!
--Near Columbia
Overheard by: CSims
Gym receptionist discussing television series Mad Men: It's sexist against women...and Jews, too!
--10th & 7th
Overheard by: Zack
Elderly Jewish woman, in hushed voice, to elderly Jewish man: My rabbi is an atheist who lives in Israel! What can you say?
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Rabbi's Agnostic daughter
Goyish looking guy with toddler in stroller: Well, you know the Hebrews always like to celebrate the New Year--especially in a year that ends in '69, if you know what I mean.
--Mercer & Broome
Overheard by: Garuda
Woman on cell: We're on the bus run by Hassidic Jews, ya know, like Woody Allen... It's like the Jewish express!... Nah, I'm covering up the phone so no one hears me.
--Vamoose Bus, Penn Station
Wednesday One-Liners Still Resent Giuliani
Hobo, walking quickly around a lady: You cannot fuck with a power walker!
--60th & 6th
Hobo on corner: Yo man, can I borrow like a hundred dollars plus tax?
--Outside Gray's Papaya
Panhandling teenager: I'm like Obama. I want change!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Canadian Girl
Hobo to self: I don't have anything against people with homes. Why, some of my very best friends have homes!
--E 35th & 6th Ave
Hobo to cops talking him away: Nah, man. I wasn't peeing on no stairs. What you don't understand is that I don't pee for anyone else, I pee for myself.
--145th Street Subway Station
Overheard by: Ben B.
Wednesday One-Liners Get Blotto Like Otto
Blonde to other: Don't worry, within like an hour you'll have Jameson running through your system.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Girl on cell: I'm kind of hungover--I think that gin and tonic was a bad idea. I was already drunk, I don't know why I felt the need to have one... And then I went home and made scrambled eggs, and then I wrote a long email to Jen* about how good they were and then I read it this morning and I was like "I am such an idiot!"
--Broadway & Great Jones
Overheard by: Lillian
Sorority girl on cell: Well, I'm going to have some champagne, but it's not like I'm knocking back shots with the guys. (pause) Yeah, I know, I know, I'll be careful. (pause) Don't worry, mom, I've done worse drugs than drink before! (long pause) I don't want to talk about it. (long long pause) So...I'm going to go horseback riding!
--Broadway & 34th St, Astoria
Overheard by: Horsies Are Pretty
Bartender: Ladies and gentlemen! Don't run away from or by the bar! You have an hour to walk to your seats. Again, please do not run from the bar, run to it!
--Wicked, Broadway
Girl to friend: I only get tipsy enough to go into the Virgin Megastore...
--2nd Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: Jonathan
Man to friend, about AA: Y'know, if I could drink like normal people, I'd get drunk every night.
--Central Park
Overheard by: John Tidyman
Girl to friend: When I told you to seize the moment I didn't know you were drunk!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners for the Fine Young Cannibals
Hipster: Everyone I know is either married, divorced, gay or crazy.
--37th St, Astoria
Overheard by: Matthias Sundberg
Karaoke panhandler singing Gnarls Barkley: "Does that make me craaaaazy? Maybe I'm craaaaaazy!" It's Memorial Day and I'm sitting here singing to people I never met before in my life. Mmmmmm...craaaazy!
--Times Square Subway Station
Black woman to janitor companion: I am so glad I live in the ghetto. These motherfuckers down here are crazy! (companion nods) And I live in the ghe-tto, 2 train ghetto.
--22nd St & 5th Ave
Hobo, watching man and woman having sex against a statue: I think I'm going to have to move to Europe or something. This place is getting too crazy.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Westsider
30-something guy on cell: Well, that's what my crazy sister said about my more crazy sister.
--Broadway & 114th St
Overheard by: mary e.
Little boy in abandoned shopping cart: I've gotta get off this crazy train!
--Target, Atlantic Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Lose Their Mittens
Large man on payphone: I'm gonna kill her, man! I'm gonna fuckin' kill her! Then I'm gonna kill my cousin! I'm gonna go back to my house, kill that bitch, get my fuckin kittens, and kill my cousin! I want my kittens, man!
--SoHo
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Father to kids: Which would you prefer, kitty casserole or puppy stew?
--72nd & Broadway
Suit: So one time I went into the bathroom and the cat was just like sitting on the toilet so I just unloaded on it. I told my roommate, like, "don't touch the cat" and then later I saw his girlfriend playing with it and hugging and kissing it. It was very funny.
--Downtown 6 Train
Upset-looking college student on cell: Ugh! My cat almost just died...and you're making this about your feelings?!
--Columbia Quad
Student: That's okay, I'll just eat my mom and fuck my cat.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Toddlington
Student: Well, the situation in the essay is hopeless, you know? It's like finding a kitten in the subway and you want to take it with you because kittens just don't belong in the subway. But then you remember that you live in a building that doesn't allow pets and your roommate is allergic. So, your roommate is going to hate you and your landlord is going to evict you. I realize this is a bad example. I just really want a kitten.
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Colleen
Nah, You So Stinky.
Eccentric guy: Forget shopping, honey, let's go cuddle!
20-something girl: No, thanks.
Eccentric guy: Oh, you're so brave!
--Bleecker & 7th Ave
Where Hipsters Come From
Six-year-old girl, looking at upside down painting of a man's portrait: It's upside down!
Nine-year-old brother: Who says its upside down?
--MoMa
Overheard by: Jesse Benjamin
"Honesty Is the Best Policy"? Lies
White dude to passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, I don't normally do this. I just got out of jail and my family won't let me come back home. I am not a drug user or an alcoholic. I go back to work on Monday, please help me. I'm scared. I went to a shelter and I was beaten and had everything taken from me. I'm just trying to make enough to stay at the YMCA for the night. Anything you can do to help me...
Chica, yelling: Yo, my friend wants to know what you was in jail for!
White dude: Oh, I raped a girl.
--F Train
Overheard by: LZA
Is It Possible You Have Salmonella?
Husband to wife: Maybe we should go tanning today.
Wife: Why? Are we going somewhere?
Husband: No, it's just for you. You look fishy.
--W 4th & Thompson
He Ended Up in Times Square, and the Rest Is History
Cowboy wearing a Florida Rebel flag belt buckle: You should go back to your own country, or learn to speak English!
Girl leaving train: Have fun in the Bronx, cowboy!
--D Train
When Syllogisms Attack!
Guy #1: Left-handed people should all be incinerated.
Guy #2: Did you know that Gerald Ford would write left-handed when he was sitting at a desk, but...
Guy #1: That's why he died.
--Astor Place & Broadway
Overheard by: ...but right-handed on a chalkboard?
Excellent Strategy-- Refuse to Acknowledge Mockery
Male barista: Do you have any Tylenol?
Male cashier: No, sorry dude. I left my purse at home.
Male barista: Oh, so you probably left your Motrin in there too...you know, for your cramps.
Male cashier: No, dude, not Motrin. That's Midol.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: a med student
The City Has Something for Everyone
Large black girl: Damn, elephant dicks is so disgusting! I don't want no uncircumcised dicks! (to white guy walking by) I know you is circumcised, baby!
White guy (without slowing down): Long and cut.
Large black girl: Damn! I want me a dick like that!
--Outside Veniero's, 11th St
Overheard by: Just here for coffee
Kevin Was Finally Forced to Go Out for Coffee
Guy #1: Dude, I just totally saw my first dead guy!
Guy #2: Wow, how long have you lived here?
Guy #1: About two years.
Guy #2: Damn, it took you that long to see a dead guy? Have you ever stepped outside your apartment?
--Starbucks, Broadway
What Happened to the Freshman Fifteen?
Dad: Look at you!
Daughter: What's up?
Dad: You are a mere shadow of your former self.
--Barnard College
As Soon As the Wheels Leave the Ground, Push the Plunger on This Syringe
Mother to preteen daughter: Okay, just leave me alone now until we get in the air.
Daughter: Do you wanna hold my hand?
Mother: No, I don't wanna hold your hand. I have plenty of drugs and I just need to get in the zone.
--Inside Plane, LaGuardia
Overheard by: Pete
The Prayer Dr. Phil Says for Oprah Every Night
Black queer: Bitch, you better shut up, because Shana does so much more than you.
Fag hag: Oh no, I'm not dissing Shana at all--I love that bitch.
Black queer: I know, right? Shana is amazing. I'm so glad she's not dead.
Fag hag: Me too.
Black queer: So glad she's not dead. God bless her sassy black ass.
--1 Train
Do You Need a Big Brother?
30-year-old man: Hey, I don't do this very often but I need a date to the Mets game tomorrow. Here's my number.
Girl: Do you know how old I am?
30-year-old man: Um...
Girl: 17.
30-year-old man: Oh.
--5th & 48th
And My Wife's Ovulation Schedule
Bartender: Stay for another round?
NYU kid: What time do you close today?
Bartender: 4 am, same as every day. I have the schedule right here. I also have the AA schedule!
--Blarney Bar
Christopher Walken's Son Had an Unorthodox Childhood
Child: What's in there? (points to dad's briefcase)
Dad: In here? Guns, people's heads...
Child: Cool!
--Uptown M16 Bus
Or You Could Be, If You Didn't Have Such Dead Eyes in All Your Glamour Shots
Seven-year-old son of thug: I'm gonna be America's Next Top Model!
Thug dad: You kiddin' me?! You a baby. You America's next top baby.
--147th & Fredrick Douglas Blvd
Overheard by: Trixie
Have I Told This One Before?
Old drunk hobo to friends: Let me tell you guys a story. Back when I was breaking in to fucking cars this broad comes at me and takes me to this commune. Gotta be at least 50 hippies, everyone's fucking everyone, always blazed, I'm fucking everything that moves because I'm 18 and my dick is hard all the time, and all the women are walking around all fucking...
All friends together: Naked!
--4th Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: rpk
Dog: If I Bit That Kid, I Could Die Happy
Boy: Look mommy, it's a doggy, it's going to say "ruff!"
(dog stares at boy)
Boy: Oh... It's not a ruff doggy...
Mom: No, honey, it's a sweet doggy.
Boy (wide eyed): It can say "sweet?"
--Washington Mews & University
Overheard by: Tyler
Then There's More to Love Than Originally Suspected!
Thug #1: You know that girl I told you about? Allison, the one I said you would fall in love with? That was her!
Thug #2: But she was fat!
--St. Mark's Place
Even More Fun Than Six Flags
Bearded man to hippie woman: I'm married, you're married, my ex-girlfriend's married, and we're holding hands!
Hippie woman: Weeeeee!
--University Place & 10th St
Overheard by: Murphy
Meet Johnny Camelseed
Guy #1 to guy #2, who has just dropped a cigarette: You just littered.
Guy #2: It was a cigarette, that's not trash!
--Fashion District
Putting a Horse Head in the Bed Simply Doesn't Do It Anymore
Female employee: Hey! Don't spray me with fucking Windex!
Male employee: Oh, calm down.
Female employee: No! That's a death threat where I come from.
Male employee: Where do you come from?
Female employee: ...Jersey.
--Ricky's, 3rd Ave
Headline by: Ogi
Runners-Up:
· "I Lost a Cousin in a Drive-by Spraying" - courtney c.
· "I Was Just Trying to Make It Easier for Me to See Right Through You" - not clear
· "Raise Your Hand If You Saw That One Coming" - engsci
· "Where Everything's a Death Threat." - BabakganoosH
· "Yet the Golden Shower Was Fine With Her" - nicky c
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Not Until You Stop Killing Cactuses
Boyfriend: We are not getting a Down's Syndrome pet!
Girlfriend: What?
Boyfriend: You know, a pet you buy when you're down. We're not getting one!
Girlfriend: But I feel vulnerable and want to exert my will over something.
Boyfriend: No!
--Outside Petland Discounts, W 23rd St
...on a Castle Bounce
Excited girl: Oh, look! A block party!
Other girl: Nope. That's a group of homeless people.
--92nd & 2nd
Stop Sending Me Self-Help Books and Cher Calendars
Guy #1, shouting to friend: Yo! Where have you been? We need to start!
Guy #2: No, man, I gotta go.
Guy #1: You're so gay.
Guy #2: I know. But that doesn't change anything. I have to get home.
Guy #1: Get back here! Now that you've admitted you're gay, you have to stay here so that we can all help you cope.
Guy #2: Sometimes I don't get you, dude.
--Stuyvesant High
A Howling Wilderness Where Celery Tonic Is Unknown
Construction worker taking coffee order: I don't think they have what you want at that deli.
Construction worker placing order: They have to have it. This is America, where do you think we are, Alaska?
--Construction Site, Bronx Zoo
How the Ceremony of Innocence Got Drowned
Guy #1: Dude, what the fuck is that shit on your hands?
Guy #2: It's only vaginal blood.
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Grossed out
Have You Considered a Freedom Fro?
Young black teen in a fight #1: Yo, your face look like a Dorito!
Young black teen in a fight #2: Yo, you look like a slave!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Angana
Oh Wait--It's Just Menstrual Fluid
Giggling drunk girl #1: Look! Someone spilled Kool-Aid all over that seat! Or at least I hope it's Kool-Aid.
Giggling drunk girl #2: It very well could be Hawaiian Punch.
Giggling drunk girl #1: I don't even want to know what happened if it was Hawaiian Punch!
--F Train
People Going Bananas and Everything
Large man yelling amidst Friday shopping crowds: Yeah, you best be walking on, you fucking gorilla! You a fucking gorilla bitch! That's right, a gorilla bitch! You holding back the race!
Hipster passing by: God, I missed my city.
--Union Square
Filed in the Dictionary Under "Hipster"
Boyfriend: That's why I like you: you're so unpretentious.
Girlfriend: I'm not unpretentious, I'm a reverse snob.
--Central Park
As an Added Bonus, He'll Remind All My Colleagues That Their Workday Could Be Worse
Woman: Hey, who's the kid?
Friend: Oh, he's coming with me for "Take Your Kid to Work Day."
Woman: I didn't know you had a son.
Friend: I don't. This is my nephew. He was stealing money from my purse, so I'm gonna make his life hell for a day.
15-year-old (sarcastically): Yeah, because any day I get to miss school is total hell for me.
Friend: Shut your hole or I'll leave you for the hobos!
--F Train
And I Was Drunk When I Did That
Very underage thugette: Look, they have a happy hour!
20-something thug: Shit, girl, you ain't old enough.
Very underage thugette: Nah, they won't check.
20-something thug: Yeah, they will--they'll kick you out and send me to jail.
Very underage thugette: But we're married!
--Outside Bar, Underhill Ave, Brooklyn
After I Whip You, We'll Get Baked
Husband: I would be the egg and you would be the quiche.
Wife: I am the quiche.
Husband: Aww, my little quichey!
--LaGuardia Airport
...Is That Why He Kept Accidentally Touching My Ass?
Girl #1: Oh my god! That man has an invisible dog leash!
Girl #2: What are you talking about? That is a blind man and his walking stick!
Girl #1: Oh.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sara
This Is Why We Were Kicked Out Of Kansas, Honey
Bratty tourist child #1: Ow, she's hitting me! She's hitting me in my head!
Overwhelmed mom: Brittany*! Brittany*, stop that! Why would you do that?
Bratty tourist child #2, shoving #1: But mom, mom, she ignorant!
--Starbucks, 53rd & Broadway
Where Dance Meets the Gym Requirement
NYU chick: They do African dance together.
NYU dude (incredulous): he does African dance?
NYU chick: Yeah, he started taking it as a class in high school.
NYU dude: He took African dance in high school?
NYU chick: Well, he's from the Bay Area.
--Hummus Place, McDougal & W 3rd
Overheard by: sarrrah3000
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