Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Always Another Mountain to Climb
Dude #1: So when they told me Heath Ledger had died I asked if he broke his back!
Dude #2: Man--that was quick.
Dude #1: I didn't really say that. I just thought of it, but I'll use it tomorrow.
Dude #2: It'll be too late then.
Dude #1: It's never too late. There's always a second chance!
--Overlook Terracce & 186th St
If You Say "We're Slaves to Our Impulses," I Will Cut You
Stupid black guy: I think with Martin Luther King Day coming they should completely end slavery.
Smart black guy: Mmmm...there hasn't been slavery in the US since Lincoln.
Stupid black guy: Oh, there's still slavery.
Smart black guy: Whatever.
--Duane Reade
Of Awkward
Teen girl: Oh, I love your nose! What nationality are you?
Middle aged man: Pardon?
Teen girl: I mean, where were you born?
Middle aged man: USA.
Teen girl: What?
Middle aged man: The United States.
Teen girl: (looks confused)
Middle aged man: ...of America?
--L Train
The "Tunnel of Love," If You Prefer
Student: Wait. A vaginal ring is one that you wear on your hand, right?
Teacher: No, you know the vagina, the never-ending tunnel?
--Stuyvesant High School
You Could Bribe Them by Promising to Separate Their Eyebrows
Gay guy: Now I just need to hire a staff of people to vote for me.
Friend: I am sure you know enough people.
Gay guy: There are not enough Mexicans here.
Friend: Surely there are some second-class Eastern Europeans.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: macohseven
Ask a Stupid Question...
Professor: So what do you think of when you think of "paternalism"? Anyone?
Student: "Maury"?
--City College
Overheard by: lilli
I'd Like You All Now to Join Me in a Chorus of "This Little Light of Mine"
Bus driver: Good morning passengers! You may have heard recently that bus drivers have been put on a diet to make them nicer and more helpful. Now this doctor has told me, "No more bacon and eggs, but a nice bowl of oatmeal. Oh, and lots of water, fruit. And instead of stopping for some pork fried rice in the afternoon, with chicken wings, a nice piece of flounder, maybe with some butter and herbs." Now it's been 15 days, and I am so much more polite to passengers, saying "Good morning. How do you do?" I'm even nicer to mama when she gets home. Helpin' her with her carriage and bags; lowering the bus for people at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for another 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day.
--B61 Bus
Overheard by: I should have eaten breakfast
The Rising Popularity of America's Next Top Model Has Everyone Confused
White teacher to ninth grade class: Okay, everyone, drop your papers on my desk. Drop it like it's hot!
Latino student (laughing): Miss, you can't say things like "drop it like it's hot"!
White teacher: Why not?
Latino student: 'cause you're white! White people don't say things like "drop it like it's hot". White people say things like "neat!" and "there is no "I" in team".
--The Bronx
...Ooo, Memorabilia!
Tourist #1: My family and I, we're not really tourists. We know what stupid stuff not to say and we come here all the time. I mean, we are tourists, but we don't act like ones.
Tourist #2: Does it make you feel better to say that?
Tourist #1: Yes. Yes it does.
--42nd St
Was It Hard to Learn All That Spanish?
Gap employee #1: What's your major again?
Gap employee #2: French studies.
Gap employee #1: Oh yeah, you're all into London and shit, right?
--The Gap
...Ferragamo?
Four-year-old girl: Look at my new purse.
Six-year-old boy: Yeah, so?
Four-year-old girl: It's Prada.
Six-year-old boy: I don't think that's a Prada purse.
Four-year-old girl: But it's pink...
Six-year-old boy: Yeah, but I don't think that makes it Prada.
Four-year-old girl (very sadly): Oh.
--Henry St & Pierrepont St, Brooklyn Heights
No
Young fashionable hipster girl #1: There's this piece of art, called Piss Christ.
Young fashionable hipster girl #2, interrupting: Oh! Is that the poop one?!
--Houston & 1st Ave
I Can Go to Jersey, But Who'd Want To?
Ghetto woman: Did you go on vacation this year?
Ghetto man: No.
Ghetto woman: Why didn't you go on vacation?
Ghetto man: I can't go on vacation, I can't even go to the Bronx.
--Canal St
Overheard by: Romany
French Vomiting Is the City's Hot, New Perversion
Guy: (pretends to throw up on himself)
Girl: (pretends to lick the vomit off his torso)
Guy: Oh man, that makes me really want some eggnog. (gets up and goes to get eggnog)
--Bedford Ave
Overheard by: Mariah
Thank Goodness I Had This Envelope to Blow My Nose On!
Small Jewish woman on the phone: Hey, so sorry, I'm running late. I'm just leaving my house now. I woke up with a horrible cold...
Post office worker: Miss?
Small Jewish woman on the phone: Oh wait... It's my turn... I'm actually in line at the post office... Oh and when I see you, absolutely no hugs, I am very contagious!
--Post Office, London Terrace
Overheard by: wish I had a bottle of purel
"City College" Means "You'll Get Your Tires Slashed"
NYU freshman girl #1, crossing the street: My dad always says, "No! Don't cross the street yet!" and I'm always like, "Dad, I've lived here for two months, I think I know what I'm doing!"
NYU freshman girl #2: Ha ha! But you know, cab drivers are looking out for you.
NYU freshman girl #1: Yeah, that's their job. If they hit you, they get sued.
NYU freshman girl #2: Yeah. My shirt says it all. "NYU" pretty much means "you'll get sued."
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: EthanK
From the Bob the Builder Blooper Reel
(construction man #1 is peeing at the urinal. Construction man #2 is inside a stall)
Construction man #2: This is the place where all the dicks hang out, eh? Haha.
Construction man #1: Do these things flush by themselves, then?
Construction man #2: Yeah, man, you're taking a shit and you don't even get to see the turd sitting there.
Construction man #1: Whoosh!
Construction man #2: It just gets sucked away. You don't get to see the tapeworms, or whatever freaky crap is in there this time.
--Basement, NYU Tisch Film School
Overheard by: Knoll
Was?
Frat boy #1: Ya know that girl I said I thought was a total slut?
Frat boy #2: Yeah?
Frat boy #1: Turns out she was a virgin!
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Alex
Today's Little Red-Haired Girl Would Be All Over Charlie Brown
Six-year-old girl: I'm hot.
Babysitter: I know, it's really hot out.
Six-year-old girl, jumping up and down: No, I'm *hot*, like sexy hot!
--74th St & West End
Overheard by: urbanadventurer
Next Time, Just Write "Smile" in Your Datebook
Hot woman: Do you know what The Secret is?
Friend (skeptically): Yeah...
Hot woman: Well, I put it out there and it totally works. Check it out. I put in my datebook for Friday night, "go out to dinner and get laid," and it worked...a day early! See the smile on my face?
--Elevator, W 28th St
Kinda Like Disneyland, But European
Asian teen #1: I know this kid whose skin is orange. It's 'cause he grew up in Chernobyl.
Asian teen #2: What's Chernobyl?
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: knows what Chernobyl is, at least
But the Passport's for Boring Old Latvia.
Guy waiting on passport line: I'd like an expedited passport.
Postal worker: Oooh! Going anywhere fun?
Guy: Florida.
--Post Office, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: BLSwhatwhat
Of Course!
Corporate girl: Dude, he's got a monkey.
Corporate guy: A monkey?
Corporate girl: Yeah.
Corporate guy: Like a real monkey? Or a monkey monkey?
Corporate girl: Like a real monkey.
Corporate guy: Does it bite his kids?
--52nd St & Ave of the Americas
Overheard by: what's a monkey-monkey?
What Kind Of Girl Do You Take Me For?
Frat dude to girlfriend, after 20 minutes of drunken heavy petting: So, are we gonna have some anal sex tonight?!
Drunk chick: I don't...really do that.
--D Train
Just Blow Your Nose in an iBook
Teen guy #1: Excuse me, do you have a tissue?
Teen guy #2: Sorry, no.
Teen guy #1: Fuck you.
--Apple Store, 5th Ave
The Gossip Girl Scene That Never Made It to Air
Teen boy #1: I don't like any of her family except her mom. She's okay.
Teen boy #2: Her mom is crazy, yo. I want to rape her with this umbrella. I bet you if I fucked her, she wouldn't even remember, she's so crazy. Wouldn't it be cool if there were a hot chick, like 21, with Alzheimer's and you fucked the shit out of her and then the next day she couldn't remember?
--Q44 Bus
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
I've Never Been More Proud.
Angry 20-something girl: Dad, you realize that when you refuse to give me the keys to my car that he's been illegally driving, you are effective enabling him to steal from me!
Confused-looking dad: Well, I understand how you feel, honey, really I do, but...
Angry 20-something girl (cutting him off): Don't fucking placate me, you sonofabitch!
Confused-looking dad (looking helplessly toward his wife): Cheryl...your daughter is yelling at me using profanity and words I don't know.
--Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Krystal
You Always Hertz the One You Love
Thug on cell: Yo, hearse rent a car? Yo man, I need to rent a hearse. Yeah, I'll hold. (pause) Y'all don't rent no hearses? Why y'all call yoselfs hearse rent a car? (pause) Word? Well, I need to move a body, maybe you got a van or something? (pause) I don't care, I just need to move his dead ass. (pause) Cargo van? Whatever. Yeah.
Thug's friend: Ask if they got am'blances.
--Grand Concourse, 158 St
Overheard by: Big Larry
Just As Soon As We Sign and Notarize the Contract
Hobo #1: But that's not enough to have pee in my butt...
Hobo #2 (interrupting): What would have been enough? 30, 40 dollars?
Hobo #1: Huh? Well! What the hell are you asking for? Now, exactly, you can pee in my butt for nothing...for a conversation... for a howdy do!
--YMCA
Overheard by: German Deter
Well, It's Exactly Like That in My Flying Squirrel Shirt
Dude #1: So she called me and told me to get home safe because it was really windy outside.
Dude #2: Damn nigga, it ain't like you paragliding home.
--Flushing
Overheard by: kam
I'd Be All, "It's Not Delivery, It's Diana!"
Hungover girl to friend: I can't eat this pizza, it tastes like vagina.
Friend: I wish my vagina tasted like pizza.
--Artichoke Pizza, 14th St
Overheard by: Shelli Silverstein
Makes Exactly As Much Sense As Fantasy Football
NYU guy: I was totally into Obama until we met Sarah Palin and now she has made me all Republican for her milfiness.
Friend: You know you don't get to fuck her just because you vote for her?
NYU guy: But I can only hope for my brothers in DC. You know like some Bill Clinton intern shit up in the White House, but this time with a hot mother instead of cigars and shit.
--L Train
Overheard by: Nikki
This Just In: Hobo Makes Sense. Film at 11
Drunk hobo: Can I tell you one thing before I die? Babe Ruth was the best there ever was... But I never saw him, and neither did you! Do you know why?
Blonde girl: No...why?
Drunk hobo: Because you weren't alive...and neither was I. (takes out flute and plays Take Me Out to the Ball Game)
--E Train
That'll Be Why My MadLibs Didn't Make Any Sense.
Girl #1: Is "dildo" a word? Is it in the dictionary?
Girl #2: It should be, it's a noun.
--15th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Dr.Suze
Headline by: Rosie
Runners-Up:
· "And It's Not That Hard to Wrap Your Tongue Around It." - Julian
· "I've Verified That It Can Be a Person or Thing." - Jim
· "Just Look for the Picture Of Bill O'Reilly" - jlp
· "Lesbian Wins Scrabble Contest" - mr. macdog
· "Sure Don't Script Porn Like They Used To" - benji
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Which Is Why Your Nickname Is "Puck"
Gay guy with lisp: I heard Mark, you know, the fat kid? I heard he slept with the hockey team.
Blonde girl: Funny thing is...we don't have sports teams at Marymount.
Gay guy with lisp: Oh my god! Are you cereal? I was lied to? The queen of gossip is never lied to. Ugh!
Blonde: Don't talk to me... You just said "cereal" in place of "serious."
Gay guy with lisp: Whatever, I'll tell everyone it was you that slept with the hockey team.
--Marymount Manhattan College
The Day Everybody's Deodorant Failed at Once
Boy (shouting): Damn son, smell like train up in here!
Flaming gay guy: You aint smellin' like flowers either, 'kay?
--D Train
Maybe Gold-Nugget Nipple Rings Were a Poor Choice?
Well-endowed woman: Is this one of those fancy uplift bras?
Salesperson: Yes, ma'am, it is.
Well-endowed woman: All right, but if I get home and my titties still sag I'm gonna be mad at you!
--Victoria's Secret
Wednesday One-Liners Need to Leave Eden Eventually
Angry Spanish boyfriend: You know why I'm talking to you like this! Because your boss was sitting there and you probably had no damn clothes on!
--Broad Channel Subway Station
Girl to friend: Yeah, I can't wait until we take off our clothes and do our make up!
--116th & 3rd
(20-something couple is walking down the street with arms around each other)
Woman: So were you self-conscious when you took off your clothes in front of the children?
--28th & 5th
White guy answering cell: Negrooooo... I'm on the Long Island Railroad being completely homosexual... You missed it, completely naked...
--LIRR
Overheard by: Xavier
Five-year-old girl, before performance begins: Are they going to take *all* their clothes off?
--Hair, Delacorte Theater
Girl to friend: God! I remember when my brother ran into my room naked screaming that he had two buttholes.
--Subway, 14th & 1st
Overweight middle age white guy to friend: I know, I get it, you like to sit naked in the mud while some guy serenades you on his guitar singing about things I don't believe and can't understand. That's your thing. I prefer hockey.
--89th & 4th, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Worry That Trucker Hats May Be Out
Hipster girl: I hate it when obviously uncool people wear flannel.
--E Train
Overheard by: dru
Hipster girl: Shark Week is a week? It lasted like a month last year.
--N 6th St, Williamsburg
Frumpy hipster: No! Hipsters melt in the rain!
--McCarren Park Pool, Greenpoint
Hipster on cell: No, I've never heard of a nocturnal squirrel... Do you even... Wait, are you trying to tell me you're gay?! No? Well, this is awkward...
--Central Park
Hipster guy to another: Have you ever played with yourself under a blacklight? There's like all kinds of shit on your dick!
--Union Hall
Overheard by: Cass
Frumpy mom, holding up item for hipster tween daughter: Catherine, is this ironic?
--Beacon's Closet, Williamsburg
Wednesday Flatliners
Dude on cell: Alright, listen up. If the guy gets up and walks away, he's not dead. If you come back and he's still lying there, he's dead, you follow? So, in that situation you are just going to go through the motions like we discussed.
--23th & 7th
Overheard by: mel
Random man on bicycle to doorman: You never know when you're going to eat a bad mushroom and die.
--87th St & York Ave
Overheard by: Critter
Jersey woman, looking at a case with brains that suffered from major stroke: Oh my gawd... They probably died from that!
--Bodies The Exhibition, South St Seaport
Guy shopping in art supply on a cell: So you're banking on dying young, then?
--Art Store, Williamsburg
Spacey old guy to friends, calmly: I want to murder that guy. (even more calmly) I've got bloodlust in my heart.
--9th St b/w 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: JKW
Woman on cell: You want to be cremated, right? (pause) Well, then what the hell are we going to do with you?
--Park Ave
Wednesday One-Liners, the Forbidden Dance
Tween girl: I mean, she changed her MySpace name to "freaky dancer," I mean, she needs to take that shit off. Seriously, take it off, because I'm the freaky dancer, no one else is the freaky dancer but me.
--Uptown 6 Train
Man: There will be no more dancing tonight. I broke the pole.
--Times Square
Jumpy drunk guy: I have two options. Dance or fall asleep!
--Blackbird Parlour, Brooklyn
Overheard by: ak
Guy: I'm really into Nijinsky...no homo.
--F Train
Weary looking woman on cell: Six and a half hours of burlesque. I didn't think there was such a thing as too much burlesque...but I thought wrong.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: McNasty
College girl: And then I would say: "But do you object? Do you object to my vagina dance?"
--Union Square
Everybody Needs a Wednesday One-Liner for a Pillow
Little kid: We're going to the city to get mommy titties!
--LIRR Train
Punk chick: This thing needs bazooms. I'm a punker chick with itty bitties.
--Midtown Office
Girl to female friend: Hey, did you know today is the three-year anniversary of my boobs?
--Union Square
Crazy lady trying to exchange a shirt: I can't go to work with my tits hanging out!
--Abercrombie & Fitch
Overheard by: me neither.
Chick on cell: In his defense, I forget about breasts, too.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
It's Wednesday One-Liners, Bitch!
Angry suit chick on phone: No, I am your second bitch, but I still love you!
--41st St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: That guy has his hands full
Cute activist girl, after extended conversation about Kwame Kilpatrick: I mean, you can't just kill a bitch and expect no one to notice!
--LaGuardia Airport
NYU sudent: She's like one of those fabulous bitches though, you know?
--NYU Dorm
Overheard by: Me too Honey
Guy on cell: A dog show, like where you pick up bitches!
--23rd Ave, Queens
Overheard by: Xavier
College student to friend: I really want to bump into him. Condescending comes across so much better in person. (pause) And I can't wait to be a sarcastic bitch!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Pola
Ex-con to group of friends: I don't mean shit to a bitch! (looks over at a terrified hipstergirl next to him. He takes off his hat) I mean. I have very little value to most ladies.
--C Train
Overheard by: Tim Roth
The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Wednesday One-Liners
Music theory professor, explaining classical idioms: The reason we use these techniques is because the great composers did--Mozart, Beethoven, Bach. They knew what they were doing. Bach knew that Mozart intuitively understood the music. When he reviewed Mozart's work, he was like, "that motherfucker!" (slight pause) Yeah, more or less.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Music Theorist
Girl to friends: Imagine this: Spice Girls concert, platform shoes, glitter all over my body...
--McCarren Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: do I have to?
20-something Whitey McWhiteface to friends: So do you think Lil Wayne tried to become a hipster or, like, it just happened?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Hopper
Guy to friend, while watching Radiohead: This is a great song to urinate to.
--Liberty State Park
Doctoral student on phone: I can't do my dissertation on the sex lives of great composers...I can't... No, it's just that the subject is too big... Ok, so 1950 to present.
--Manhattan School of Music
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. And now for your entertainment... (taps on the microphone a pretty decent beat) I hope you all like my beats...I've been practicing!
--F Train
Overheard by: Groovin to the music
Get Embarrassing Stains Out With Wednesday One-Liners!
Woman on cell: I didn't take a bath with your dog!
--Long Island Railway
Overheard by: Jeff
Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: bih.
Very loud crackhead to nobody in particular: Today is great day...I got my pussy washed and I got new crutches.
--14th St
Overheard by: Cuttie
Middle aged man to another: I miss seeing my wife do squats while cleaning the tub.
--Central Park Loop
Overheard by: Nick Kinling
Woman with awful red lipstick: I am too lazy to shower. Ooh! Did I tell you I discovered dry shampoo?
--Broadway & 112th
Overheard by: do us a favor and bathe
Teenage girl to another: I don't know what the fuck he's talking about...I wash my titties everyday with Lever2000.
--D Train
Overheard by: Derrick Walker
Wednesday One-Minors
Two-year-old, pointing to Citibank: That's my bank!
--7th Ave & President St, Park Slope
Overheard by: But who's your insurance carrier?
Nine-year old boy on cell: Well, you know what? Fuck you! I'm going home! (slams cell shut and begins strutting across parking lot)
--Parking Lot, Staten Island Mall
Overheard by: WTF????
Ten-year-old girl in bathing suit to seven-year-old girl: Stop touching my ass. Whore!
--Park, Astoria
Little girl to group of little girls: Raise your hand if you're allergic to penicillin!
--R Train
Overheard by: cole
Little girl to friends, pointing at platform: That's where hobos live!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
Three-year-old boy, eating hamburger: Cock cock cock cock!
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Alexis from Texas
Kid in cart at end of dairy aisle as man he came in with goes down aisle: Ssomeone's gonna take me! Someone's take me!
--Stop & Shop, Kingsbridge, Bronx
Overheard by: Krisztina
Wednesday One-Liners?E I E I O
Cop to another: So she said, "see ya later, alligator." To which I retorted, "in a while, crocodile."
--Cunningham Park, Queens
Girl on cell: That was the day I woke up with the pigeon in my bed!
--Christopher St
Law school chick, stopping and staring at pigeon in her path: You go girl!
--East Village
Girl on intercom: Llama needed at the Oyster Bar ramp for a spill!
--Grand Central
Suit to friend: I mean, I don't understand. If people really want to pay like $30,000 to hunt them, I don't see what the problem is.
--Bronx Zoo
Curly grey-haired middle aged crafty lady: If you let them have sex with goats, they'll leave children alone!
--Crafts Fair, Red Hook Fairway
Overheard by: Myrtle & Carlton
Wednesday One-Liners Just Do It
20-something on cell: So yeah, I hit a new low. So you know how I had sex with Dan, Steve and Dave? Well, I totally just handled my friend from work who is married and we did it in his daughter's bed. If that doesnt say I'm crazy, I dont know what does? (pause) Are you kidding me? His wife never gives it up, that man busted four times in a matter of minutes.
(pause). Well, that's now four men this week who said I have the best pussy they've had.
--159th & Broadway
Overheard by: morgan
Girl: She was fucking everybody in this city--and no one even liked her!
--Houston & Lafayette
Overheard by: bRonwyn
20-something man to girlfriend: You're a grown woman! I can't help it if you're a whore!
--7 Train
Overheard by: becky z-dub
Girl on cell: Wait, so you and Skylar are dating now? Ahh, so exciting! (pause) No, you didn't already tell me. You said that you woke up next to him. Since when does that mean you're dating someone?
--Bedford & 8th
20-something blonde on phone: All those people who laugh and snigger at you only do it because they too have experienced the walk of shame.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Man on phone: I can't be constantly wondering who you're sleeping with! I tell you, I'm tired, I'm old, and I can't do what I'm supposed to do. I'm a good 60, but I ain't good enough to be waking up everyday and chasing you around!
--Coffee shop, Crown Heights
Overheard by: Eric
Hipster on cell: I don't see what's so wrong with going up to someone on the street and saying, "hey, what's up? Let's fuck!" I do it all the time!
--Great Hall, Cooper Union
Overheard by: NYUTSOA12
Wednesday Onesie Liners
Woman on cell, loudly: No, no, my baby's getting fixed that day!
--5th Ave
Yuppie thug in three-piece suit, loudly on cell while riding escalator: So you sayin' it's mines? How you know it's mines? Naw naw, how you know? Bitch, kiss my ass! If they ain't been no muh-fuckin DNA test, then they ain't been no baby sprung up outta my dick! I ain't no adoption agency!
--Borders, Penn Station
Overheard by: IJustWanttoBrowseMadonna'sBrother'sTell-AllinPeace
20-something male on cell: What did I tell you about having sex with people who have babymama problems? That's why I gave up my crush on Bristol Palin.
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Topical
Black lady with stroller: Ohhh, no. All y'all are not fitting into this car. Stop pushin' up on my baby. Y'all need to back that shit up now. (baby starts crying) What do you want? What do you want? Are you having hot flashes? Cause I know I am. Jesus!
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Alie
Black woman: Of all his babymamas, why he alway bothering her? He has all these babymamas and he's always bugging her. She must still be puttin' out.
--34th & Broadway
Very young pregnant woman purchasing cigarettes on: What the hell kind of difference does what you eat have on what kind of baby you have?
--Nostrand & Dean, Crown Heights
Overheard by: Siobhan
But Fabulous
Crazy #1: Oh, they were showing Psycho last night!
Crazy #2 (sucking teeth): I've seen that too many times. Even though I love the ending when he comes out in his mom's clothing. God, I love the gays! Oh, wait...he's psycho.
--L Train
Overheard by: Momma B
A Bush Fan, Are You?
Blonde: Oh my god! Look, they have a calendar counting down until Bush's inauguration.
Brunette: What's "inauguration"?
Blonde: The day he leaves office.
--Barnes & Noble
Remember, Folks, the 8 O'Clock Show Is Completely Different from the 10 O'Clock Show
Passport office worker: Ma'am, you want to ask me a question, you're gonna need to step into the line at this window.
Woman: But I only...
Passport office worker: No buts. You get into this line or I don't talk to you. You don't step away from this window, I call security.
Woman: Fine! Call security!
Passport office worker (grabbing phone): Security, you gonna need to come up and take care of this lady--and oh, she's getting so nasty!
(both laugh)
Passport office worker: So you gettin' ready to go out to lunch?
Woman: Yeah, you want me to pick you up something?
--US Passport Office
Overheard by: Chuckell
Much Like the Continued Popularity of Walker: Texas Ranger
Drunk guy to laughing Asian: There is no theory of evolution--only a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Girlfriend: Babe, no more Chuck Norris, please!
Drunk guy: But Chuck Nor...
Girlfriend: No, give me one good reason you should talk about Chuck Norris.
Drunk guy (without hesitation): Cause god wanted 10 days to create the world, and Chuck Norris only gave him 6, do you want an 8-day work week? Huh?
Girlfriend to friend: How did I just lose this argument?
Friend: Yeah, that was unexpected.
--Zanzibar Bar
Overheard by: Wish i was chuck norris
Pepé Le Pew's Girlfriend Has Second Thoughts
Cute girl on phone: I woke up from a deep sleep last night, from the middle of a dream in which I was worried that I had to fix a project at work--to make sure that it didn't go out smelling like fart. That's how strong your fart was in the middle of the night under the covers. It got integrated into my dream and woke me up. (pause) I was worried too that I would smell like fart today because there was no way of having a hot shower. (pause) Thank god for perfume.
--St Mark's Place
New York Must Be Hell for Someone Who's Offended by "Ass"
Student #1: Gah, cyclohexane smells like ass!
Student #2: Gretchen!*.
Student #1: Sorry, I like sounding smart and stupid at the same time.
--Barnard Chem Lab
You Were All, "Whine Whine Whine, But She's Only Eleven!"
Girl: You always thought my mom was hot while we were going out. You'd be all "Oh my god, your mom is totally hot. I'd hit that."
Guy: Well, she is!
Girl: I know that! But you can't want to fuck my mom and get all pissed when I want to fuck your sister!
--78th & Amsterdam
Walter Begins to See the Futility of His Quest
Man with clipboard #1: Excuse me ma'am, do you live in the city?
Lady: Well, I'm answering you, so I obviously don't.
Man with clipboard #2: Ya know, she's right.
--Union Square Greenmarket
And My Head's Too Misshapen to Pull Off the Bald Look
Teen fan #1 (in line to see Cobra Starship): It's freezing! When are they going to let us in?
Teen fan #2: I know, right? I'm going to get leukemia it's so cold!
--W 16th St
Do You Have Four National Soup-Eating Victories?
Guy: Hey, my brothers are in town.
Girl: Hey! Looks like there will be a whole set of teeth in the house!
Guy: You're a bitch.
--Wall St
Overheard by: Emily
God's Chosen Planet
Queer: Things are sad.
Hag: We both suck.
Queer: The world is a Jew.
Hag: ...what?
--45th & 5th
Overheard by: RaRa
"Hit Me, Baby, One More Time"? Really?
Tourist, listening to subway performer: Wow, that song is nice!
Local: Yeah, that's the MTA theme song.
--Grand Central
Wouldn't Want to Rumple His Couture
Woman #1: He has been acting more and more gay lately.
Woman #2: Well, he does work in fashion PR.
Woman #1: I love it. It just makes me want to hug him more.
Woman #2: It actually makes me want to hug him less.
--F Train
Don't Be-- I've Been Waiting Years to Be Mistaken for a Sir!
Chick: Excuse me, sir?
Butch female worker: Yes?
Chick: Oh...sorry.
--23rd & 6th
Hey, I Saw the Crude Sketches in the Boys' Restroom Way Before That
(class is watching a science video)
Scientist in the video: The problem with the big bang is that we know nothing about it. We don't when it banged, why it banged, how it banged, what exactly was being banged...
(entire class laughs)
Smart-ass student: See, when a man loves a woman...
Smarter-ass student: Please, as if you didn't just learn that last year in bio!
--Stuyvesant High School
...Okay, Everybody, This Is a Stick-Up
Bus driver, to man hanging from steps of full bus: Shit, man! You ain't seen five hundred people up in here? And five thousand behind ya?
Man hanging from steps: You ain't seen the whole county up my ass? Three buses gone by, ain't even stop!
Bus driver: It is illegal for me to drive with the door open!
Man hanging from steps: Kiss my ass, it is illegal for me to miss work on parole!
--Borough Hall Bus Stop
Overheard by: Tara
That, and They Never Go to the Gym
Girl, in line for Circle Line: Oh my god! The squirrels here are so fat! Fatter than the ones back home!
Guy in line: Kick it!
Girl: The pigeons are fat, too!
Guy in line: Kick it!
Girl: I don't want anymore of this pretzel. Here, pigeon...
Stranger girl, annoyed: That's why the pigeons are so fat here!
--Battery Park
"Paris Hilton Becomes Prime Minister"? Please!
Excited am paperman: Am! Get your am!
Disgruntled metro man, quietly to passersby: Metro... Am is full of lies.
--53rd & Lexington
When You Have Too Many Questions, Silence Is Probably Best
Asian girl #1 to Asian girl #2: Hey!
Asian girl #2 (surprised): Hi.
Asian girl #1: Haha, I recognized you by your boobs.
(Asian girl #2 laughs, her boyfriend shifts uncomfortably)
--Columbia University
As Is Required by US Law
Mother: I'm so glad you want to learn about voting!
Five-year-old girl, to employee: Where are your books about Joe Biden?
(ten minutes later)
Five-year-old girl, screaming at the magazine rack: I want the magazine with the lady from TV on it!
Mother: Use your indoor voice. You know what her name is.
Five-year-old girl: But...I love Oprah.
--Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lexington
Plus, Everything Before the Age of 18 Is Null and Void
20-something #1: Oh my god! I can't believe you had sex with two guys on the same night! Not even I've done that!
20-something #2: Yes you have!
20-something #1: Oh yeah...but they were at the same time so it doesn't count.
--Upper East Side
...Yet Mysteriously Able to See Through Clothing.
Hobo to another: Ohh... Check that out! Hot white ass!
Girl in blue pants: Why are there so many drunken perverts in Central Park?
Friend (seriously): He's probably just color blind.
--Grand Central Station
Headline by: dwasifar
Runners-Up:
· "...Or, Knowing Your Ass, Just Plain Blind." - EddieA
· "Because Let's Be Honest, He Clearly Wasn't Referring to That Wagon You're Dragging." - Wilkeson
· "Or It Could've Been the Ablino Donkey Behind You..." - Krikit
· "Smurfette Swore She'd Never Come Back to the City Again." - 1310 (formerly SNA)
· "The White Pants...Always Keeping the Colored Pants Down" - California Dave
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Despite That Meat You Sold Me Yesterday
Very Jewish lady behind deli counter: So, how have you been?
Very old Jewish man: Oh, I'm still here.
--Zabar's Deli
Bruno Exceeds His Daily Civility Quota
Tourist: Is this our stop?
Helpful stranger: This train only got one stop!
Tourist: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know. This is my first time on a subway!
Helpful stranger: Then get the fuck away from me! I don't want no tourist cooties!
--S Train
Overheard by: Heather
"Soldier McGee" Would Make a Great Name for a Cat
Guy #1: So, what's "emo"? Like gay?
Guy #2: Basically.
--Outside Soldier McGee Tavern
Overheard by: Jason
But Taking You to Jersey Is Punishment Enough
Teenage girl: What stop do we get off at again?
Mom: Brick Church.
Teenage girl: What?
Mom: Brick Church.
Teenage girl: Brick?
Mom: Yes, as in "I want to throw a brick at you."
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Sharing the Same Sentiment
I Was a Music-Video Hoochie Before I Found Allah
Italian man: It seems Americans can't spell, like they don't even have command of their own language.
Muslim woman wearing a burqa: Why should anyone learn to spell when all you have to do to get ahead in this country is show some crack? ...if you know what I mean.
--Tillies, Brooklyn
Only Matt Dillon's Dick Has Been in Audrey Hepburn's Ass
Hobo, interrupting a guy and a girl: Excuse me, could I bum a cigarette or get some spare change?
Young man: I'm low on cash and sorry, but I have a cigarette for you. (hands hobo a cigarette) Do you need a light?
Hobo: Nope. (walks away)
(young man and woman continue conversation, hobo comes back and interrupts again)
Hobo: Can I ask you a question?
Young man: Shoot!
Hobo: What does Matt Damon's dick look like in Audrey Hepburn's ass?
Young woman: Trick question.
(hobo gives them the finger, walks away)
--Central Park
Mel Was Just Setting Us Up for His DUI Bust
Black man #1, talking about Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ: Yo, you remember the prostitute?
Black man #2: What?
Black man #1: The prostitute. He saved her life.
Black man #2: By the well, dog, getting water.
Black man #1: Right. Niggas is like, drinking beers, and they goin' throw stones at her, 'til he be like, only them that ain't sinned can throw rocks, and they all backed down.
Black man #2: Yo, that shit was tight, man.
--Q Train
She Also Thinks Andrew Jackson Is Michael and Jermaine's Brother
Woman (reading Playbill before theater play: Oh, look Sharon*, someone's going to play one of the Marx brothers.
Friend: Which one?
Woman: Karl Marx.
--Lincoln Center
Like a Spent Cartridge
Nanny: Do you still like that boy from your class?
Six-year-old girl: No! He stinks.
Nanny: Aww, what happened? He was so cute, I thought.
Six-year-old girl: I know. But he ejected me.
Nanny: Rejected you?
Six-year-old girl: Ejected me!
--Smith & 9th Station
He Can't Afford His Own Apartment?
Girl: So, I found out something about my roommate.
Guy #1: Oh yeah? What?
Girl: Turns out my roommate's a porn star.
Guy #1: Wait, wait, is your roommate a guy or a girl?
Girl: It's a guy.
Guy #2: Stop!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: derwin
The Ambiguously Gay Duo?
Girl: Guys have boobs too!
Guy: (...)
Girl: Who are those two guys that have boobs?
Guy: (...)
Girl: Oh! Batman and Robin!
--1 Train
Um...Frida Kahlo?
NYU gay #1: I have a fat ass.
NYU gay #2: Yeah, your ass is huge.
NYU gay #1: Well, I always say that it's better to have a fat ass than a fat belly. You can grab ass fat. Who wants to grab a gut?
NYU gay #2: True.
--10th & 4th Ave
Ah, the Sounds of the City
(20-something woman hands hobo a dollar bill)
Hobo: A dollar? All you can spare is a lousy dollar?
20-something woman: Fine! Give it back!
--42nd & Madison
Is That a JCrew Polo You're Wearing, Mr. Yuppie-Hater?
Young wanna-be-badass teen: I hate yuppies!
Man: I hate 14-year-olds!
Young wanna-be-badass teen: Me too!
Man: So, what, you're 13?
Young wanna-be-badass teen: Yeah.
Man: I was close.
--F Frain
Overheard by: ames
Why the Democrats Keep Losing?
Obama volunteer #1: Are you registered to vote? Register to vote, November 2nd!
Obama volunteer #2: November 4th!
--Union Square
Overheard by: RM
Read the Previous Week's Quotes!
