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Bridge-o, Tunnel-o
Jersey man: Look, Houston Street!
Daughter: Daddy, it's "house-ton."
Jersey man: Tomato, toe-mah-to.
Daughter: You're so bridge and tunnel it's disgusting.
--Houston St
I'm About Twelve and a Half Hours Gay
Coked-out girl: Your friend is hot. Is she gay?
Drunk girl: I don't know. Are you gay?
Coked-out girl: I like the way Shakira puts it. (singing) "Whenever, wherever, we're meant to be together."
(later on)
Coked-out girl: Are you as straight as the day is long?
Drunk girl: Um, it depends...how long is the day?
Coked-out girl: Fourteen hours.
--Sophie's, 5th & Ave A
Overheard by: amazed
They Never Spoke Of This Night Again
Man with beer #1: I love you, beer. You satisfy me in ways my wife never could.
Man with beer #2 to other man: You satisfy me in ways my wife never could...
--NJT to Penn Station
Overheard by: Geologist
Is That Oreo on Your Chin?
30-something lady: I officially started Weight Watchers today.
30-something guy: So does that mean you can't drink this weekend?
30-something lady: I can drink. I just can't eat all day.
--Port Authority
No Change? Airports Are Making Great Strides in Lip-Gloss Confiscation!
White 20-something #1: Have you heard about the September 11th controversy?
White 20-something #2: No...what?
White 20-something #1: Well, Kanye and 50 Cent are both releasing their new albums on that date and if Kanye outsells 50 then 50 says that he is going to retire from rapping.
White 20-something #2: Wow! That's controversial.
White 20-something #1: Is it crazy that that's the new September 11th controversy? Things have really changed since then...
White 20-something #2 (pensive): Or *have* they?
Black guy to friend: Yo, man! Are you listening to this shit?
--L Train
I Think "Nebbish" May Be the Word You're Looking for
Girl to friend, discussing a boy: So how nerdy is he? I mean, there's a nice nerdy, a cute nerdy...
Friend: You know that Jewish nerdy?
--College of Staten Island
Overheard by: Nameless
Kindly Old People Really Give Us Hope
Grandpa: Do we really have to take them to the fucking zoo?
Grandma (holding a pamphlet about the zoo): Look, this is the stupid shit that they're into, so this is where we gotta go.
Grandpa (pointing to a picture in the pamphlet): What the fuck is that? A chipmunk?
Grandma: It's a fucking rabbit!
--St. Mark's Place, Staten Island
Homeland Security Guidelines Get More Bizarre by the Year
Dude, to other dude with a small backpack: Is that the new backpack nano? What do you have in there, an apple and a bottle of water? You carrying acorns around in there? One package of skittles? An abridged copy of...The Old Man and the Sea?
Backpack dude: Do I really have to explain my backpack to you?
--L Train
Overheard by: ultra-condensed movies
Identical Twins Have the Strangest Relationships
Black guy (spotting a friend): Hey man, what's up? You know you one ugly motherfucka? (laughs)
Black guy #2: Dude, youse the ugly nigga. You've been one ugly motherfucka for ten years.
Black guy #1: You've been an ugly motherfucka since you was born.
(time passes, they talk in their separate groups of friends. Black guy #1 gets off train)
Black guy #2's friend: Yo, your ugly nigga just left.
Black guy #2: He is one ugly mothafucka isn't he? (laughs).
--1 Train
But Why Would Bush Need More Money?
Girl #1: It's like, I'd rather he got hit by a drunk driver than shot by an idiot!
Girl #2: That's true...
Girl #3 (coming out of stall): Plus, you get more money that way...
--Restroom, The Blarney Stone Bar
Overheard by: Chrissy
Don't Make Me Go All Forte on Your Ass
Snobby woman to teenage girls talking: Decrescendo, girls. Do you know what that means? It's an operatic term for "lower your voices."
Teenage girl: Actually, "decrescendo" is a musical term for "get softer," and when you say get lower, you're actually referring to pitch, not volume.
--Metropolitan Opera Lobby
Overheard by: Maria
At the Greenwich Village Explorer's Club
Girl #1: I didn't think that Newark was actually a place. I thought it was just an airport and a factory. But apparently it has, like, government-funded housing or something.
Girl #2: So, like, poor people?
Girl #1: Yeah!
--Greenwich Village
Psh, Girls--Only One Thing on Their Minds
Guy #1: How many times did I come?
Guy #2: Well, you came really fast freshman year.
Girl: Uhh...are we just going to ignore that phrasing?
--East Village
I Blame Your Mother for Playing Neil Diamond
Susie: (singing)
Father: How old are you, Susie?
Susie: Nine.
Father: No...
Susie: Okay, I'm six.
Father: Do you want to live to be seven?
Susie: Mhmm...
Father: Then shut up.
--Post Office, 112th b/w Broadway & Amersterdam
Overheard by: Kristina
New Jersey, Maybe
Drunk suit #1: My dick is so big my girlfriend sucks it everyday.
Drunk suit #2: Your girlfriend lives in Canada! Your dick isn't that big.
--Daisy's Diner, Park Slope
Overheard by: peej
Nah. Do What You Want--and Take the Consequences
Well-dressed balding father: I could honestly care less.
Shaggy haired teen: You're my father! You're supposed to care if I'm failing out of school and doing drugs!
Well-dressed balding father: Nope, not interested.
Shaggy haired teen: You have to care! I can't believe this shit!
--Bleeker & Broadway
Another Embarrassing Confusion Caused by Poor Posture
Flustered chick: Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I should never have done that to you, I'm so so sorry.
Astonished friend: Did you just apologize to your vagina?
--E 6th & Ave A
Overheard by: sam
We Just Bought a Cute Place Out on the Island
Subway beggar to the people on train : Yo, my daughter just died and I don't have any money to bury her... (recognizes someone on the train) Yo!
Man on the train: Hey! How's the wife?
Subway beggar: Oh, she good, she good. She be working too! She working on the 4 line!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Faye
In Which Case I Was Looking Forward to Spraying This Mace
Annoying fundraiser guy: Scuse me, miss, if I could have a second of your time.
(cute girl stops and takes off headphones)
Annoying fund raiser guy: I work for the Children's Rights Foundation and I'm collec...
Cute girl (interrupting): Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you wanted sex.
--23rd St & 6th Ave
Comic Books May Have Given You Some Unrealistic Expectations
Japanese student/tourist seemingly waiting for luggage: How long are you in New York for?
Woman waiting for luggage: Just for one night. I'm here for a conference and then I'm flying back tomorrow.
Japanese student/tourist: This is my fall break. I will be here through Tuesday.
Woman: That's nice. I hope you go out and have a nice time.
Japanese student/tourist: Yes. (pause) Sex.
--JFK Airport
She Actually Gave Him Cash--She Just Gets a Cheap Thrill Out of Alliteration
Hobo: Spare some change?
Girl: Yeah...so you can go buy booze? Keep dreaming, bucko.
--Times Square
Watch How He Explains Sex
Student: How do you vote, exactly? I've never done it before.
Professor: Well, you slide a little lever to the right. And then you slide to the left. It's kind of like the cha cha slide. Turn it out. Take it back now ya'll.
--Eugene Lang College
A Near-Death Experience May Cost You Some Friends
Guy: Dude...did I ever tell you about that time I died?
Friend: What?
--Union Square
Carson Kressley Got a Lot Of Time-Outs As a Kid
Mom: Look at you! Why are your shoes so dirty? I told you that white sneakers were a bad idea...
Son: Whatever, saddlebags...
Mom: Excuse me?
Son: Let's be honest, mother. Those pants are not doing any justice to your hips.
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Listening with amazement
Next on Ask a Samurai
Guy: Touche.
Girl: Isn't that Japanese for "okay"?
--F Train
...Where My Eyeball Went
Guy in line: So basically I threw up too hard and popped a blood vessel.
Woman at counter: What the fuck? That is disgusting!
Guy in line: Well, you asked.
--Pratt Institute
And As Thick
Woman #1: She was as dumb as molasses.
Woman #2: Well, molasses don't have a brain.
Woman #1: Well, she was as dumb as that.
--Macy's
Wouldn't Mind Going Over the River and through Her Woods, Eh?
Teen #1 (after looking up at advert for Sex and the City): Dude, Sarah Jessica Parker is like, so freakin hot!
Teen #2: She's older than your fucking mother!
Teen #1: Which like, so totally backs up my point.
--7th St
Overheard by: Joel Moore
Yeah, With a Magnum P.I. Mustache
Girl: So what are you going to be for Halloween?
Guy: Retarded Hitler.
Girl: Oy vey!
--Hunter College
Let's All Take Another Bong Hit and Then Discuss This Further
NYU student, reading his writing aloud to class: "She looked as if god had stolen her face and then had thrown it back up onto an abstract expressionist painting."
Professor: Wow. Well, that's deep.
--Cooper Square
Overheard by: not that deep
What? We're Just Talking About Peeling Bananas
Guy #1: With her foot!?
Guy #2: Could you have said that any louder?
--Tom's Diner
Overheard by: fedmex
Then You'll Vote for McCain?
Young woman: I just wish he'd change his attitude.
Young man: Wait, his attitude about your dildo?
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Wishes he heard the rest of the conversation
In Every Denzel Washington Movie?
Black female police officer #1: You're not voting for Obama? He's black!
Black female police officer #2: Exactly, cuz when does a black man ever do anything for a black woman?
--M34 Bus
Barbara Walters Is Always Asking the Tough Questions.
Elderly customer: Excuse me, do you have enema bags?
Cashier #1: Enema bags?
Elderly customer: Yes, enema bags.
Cashier #1: Do we have enema bags?
Cashier #2: Animal bags?
Cashier #1: No, enema bags.
Cashier #2: Oh, enema bags?
Cashier #1: Yes. Enema bags.
Elderly customer: I'll check the pharmacy.
--Duane Reade, 19th & 7th
Overheard by: Kate
Headline by: Nick
Runners-Up:
· "And This Is How Fido Got a Clean Colon" - lucas
· "Coincidentally Enough I Am Planning to Use It on an Animal." - robin
· "Elderly Boy Scouts Are Always Prepared" - Rose
· "Love Thy Enema" - threetimefinalist
· "No, But We Do Know the Muffin Man" - BabakganoosH
· "The Deli Was Probably a Bad Place to Start" - Brian
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why Are We Friends?
Girl #1: I used to drink Sprite all the time. Can't drink soda anymore.
Girl #2: So what do you drink now?
Girl #1: Sprite Zero.
--3rd & Lexington
Whittling Is Huge Here
Preteen tourist girl #1: I can't believe I'm walking down a New York street. I feel like I'm gonna get stabbed.
Preteen tourist girl #2: Oh my god, does that happen a lot?
Preteen tourist girl #1: Yeah, everyone in New York carries a knife.
--55th St & 5th Ave
No Shit
Emo: Do you do anal?
JAP fox: Uh, no, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't do it, just hasn't come up yet.
Emo to another girl: Do you do anal?
Another girl: Bitch! I can't even take a shit.
--Special Boutique, 2nd & Bedford
Overheard by: Este
Show Me the Wednesday One-Liners!
Angry teen on cell: I'm not gonna pay 18 dollars for a wedgie!
--Lingerie Department, Macy's
Overheard by: me neither
Girl on cell: I don't have a problem with camping, but why do they have to give me a sleeping bag? Can't they give me linens? It's not like I'm not giving them an insignificant amount of money.
--W Broadway & Grand
Suit on cell: At first I was only making $30,000 a year, but last year I got shot in the foot, and then I got a $1,000 bonus, so now I'm making $32,000 a year. Shit!
--F Train
Overheard by: Brittany Smith
Loud woman on cell: I like and don't mind fucking you, but I need to get paid. I'm unemployed right now.
--108th & Broadway
Elevator operator for observatory, upon leaving: Please come again! We want your money.
--Empire State Building
Old guy in dark suit to young guy in dark suit: You're not embezzling money!
--48th & 8th
Little People--Big Wednesday One-Liners
Greasy guy on cell: Yeah, there was this whole big to-do. They had all these little midgets running around--it was a whole Willy Wonka thing going on.
--42nd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Aren't They Called Little People?
Midget on mobile: Man, you don't know how tough it is, these little women are tough, they know what they want... Yeah, yeah... The are like tigers, they'll eat you up!
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: JT
Flyer guy: Comedy show, folks--we got midgets!
--Herald Square
Overheard by: BeccaGo
Guy: High-five if you like midgets and drugs!
--42nd & 7th
Overheard by: Shannon
Suit on cell: Yeah, yeah, we're gonna do it big for my birthday. No I'm thinking more like midget strippers...eh, I haven't decided what I want it to be. (pause) Oh yeah, sorry, not "it," "him" or "her." No, I think dwarfs have magical powers, that's the deal. Not racist, dwarfist maybe.
--Chinatown Bus
Overheard by: Evan
Drunk guy with group of friends: I'm sorry I hit you, I thought I was Irish and you were four feet tall.
--41st & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Glad I'm not short
Wednesday One-Liners Want to Know What Makes the Law & Order Sound
Law professor: Sometimes you just want to tell your client, "Wake the fuck up!"
--NYU Law School
Law student on cell: Well, it's hard to locate them, since I don't know who they are.
--Columbia Law School
Overheard by: arctinus
Older looking woman on cell: No, don't fight him, Henry. We're Jewish. God gave us lawyers for a reason.
--42nd & Avenue of the Americas
Overheard by: Elizabeth
Awesome judge: If you do not have a basic understanding of the English language, you will not be able to serve. If you cannot understand what I'm saying, please come up now. Now, two translators will translate what I just said. If you understood what I said, obviously don't come up here.
--Supreme Court Building
Suit to girl: You must be a lawyer. (pause) Or a cunt.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: How did he know?
Thug: Don't say anything to her! Don't you know anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?
--132nd & St. Nicholas
Drunk lawyer on phone: Yeah! I convict rape victims.
--Outside Shea Stadium
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Just Poor, They're Po'
Preppy guy: They say beggars can't be choosers, which makes sense, because we're choosers.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Annie
Red Table change collector guy: Help feed the homeless of New York! All it takes is a penny and a heart, you fucking assholes.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Bemused
Girl to friend: I thought of you the other day; I saw a homeless man's penis.
--Lucky Jack's, Orchard St.
Overheard by: Argopelter
Horny dude (after being rejected by a girl at the bar): I asked her if she wanted a drink and she gave me the look that I give to homeless people on the subway.
--79th & Broadway
Guy to girl sitting at a sidewalk cafe: I know, what is with her? She dresses like a homeless person. And not Mary-Kate Olsen homeless but I-think-I-saw-her-passed-out-in-an-alleyway-with-a-heroin-needle-sticking-out-of-her-arm- homeless.
--10th St & 2nd Ave
Girl, to guy who has just spat on floor: Don't do that! Homeless people sleep there!
--6 Train Station
Are Wednesday One-Liners Funny Ha-Ha, or Funny-Peculiar?
Guy eating pancakes: Everything's funny in retrospect, like the time I got that screwdriver stuck in my eye.
--IHOP, Brooklyn
Ancient Greek civilization professor: A sexual act, in some sense, for an observer is funny.
--Hunter College
Crazy lady: All the prostitutes need to be rounded up and stuck in churches! (teen girl laughs) You think that's funny? It's not gonna be funny when you are in a hospital addicted to crack!
--Water St & Broad St
Girl to her friend: Wouldn't it be funny if human beings could only walk forward and backwards?
--8th St & 2nd Ave
Lady sitting with girlfriends: It's funny because I'm pregnant, and he doesn't know.
--Starbucks
Drunken Jets fan to friends in Jets jerseys: That's not funny. You want to see something funny? (grabs wooden signpost, slams forehead into it) That's funny!
--W 4th & Barrow
Overheard by: jira monkey
Some Half-Baked Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: I have to get home so I can put away the b-o-n-g.
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kyle
Man in light green suit with orange-red gators: Read the bible tonight. Don't smoke that Scooby Doobie Doo. Don't get high tonight!
--125th & Lenox
Overheard by: Plausible
Young hipster: So I said, "Mom, did you smoke with me?"
--Central Park Reservoir
Angry girlfriend to boyfriend: Okay, so you don't want me smoking pot, you don't want me smoking cigarettes or cloves, you don't want me chewing gum and now you don't like lollipops? So tell me, Peter, what can I put in my mouth that's okay with you?
--L Train
Overheard by: It's me, bitches.
Teacher: Steve*, I need to talk to your pot dealer, because the stuff you're smoking is really good.
--Cooper Union
Overheard by: me too
Guy talking on blue tooth: I should be there in about 45 minutes. (pause) Yeah, I'm serious! (pause) Look. I got an idea for ya. Why don't you go roll a big fat blunt, smoke it until you can't see anymore and then I'll be there. Alright? Bye.
--8th Ave & 27th St
Overheard by: Erica Friedman
Girl: I mean honestly, who at NYU doesn't smell like weed?
--Washington Square Park
Read My Lips, Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: No I'm not bringing anything, this is not a date, it's 10 o'clock on a Friday night. I'm bringing my vagina, that's what I'm bringing.
--Court St & 2nd Place
Girl on cell: I mean, there's nothing obviously wrong with my vagina!
--23rd & 7th
Girl on bike: I feel like I've had a pencil up my vagina for 10 hours!
--Hudson River Bike Path
Distraught NYU student: I'm covered in vaginal cream.
--NYU Dorm, Union Square
Overheard by: Erica Fuld
Hurried young guy on cell: Well, you can't just sniff anyone's vagina!
--W 52nd b/w 9th & 10th Ave
Gay on phone: But what does her vag look like?
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Liz
Easy, Breezy, Beautiful: Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on phone: So, should I continue not being a whore or should I go get an emergency Brazilian?
--Lexington Ave & 58th
Girl to friend: No, I can't do tomorrow afternoon. I am getting waxed for the weekend. Just in case.
--3rd Ave & 80th St
Salesgirl to customer: You so have an exfoliating face!
--Sephora, 57th & Lexington
Overheard by: Amanda
Creepy hobo on payphone: So, you're doing your nails? Mmmmmm...
--Bleecker & Thompson
Overheard by: Thompson
Girl with pounds of makeup on: Yeah, I'm going on lunch right now. I am so exhausted, I did five makeovers today. Yeah, I am so tired...I had a butch.
--Elevator, Macy's
Overheard by: K Melv
Thug: All I want is a mani-pedi.
--72nd & Central Park West
Overheard by: wb
Take Me Out to the Wednesday One-Liner Game
Drunk NYU dude: You guys know that loose skin around your shaft or whatever? Push it over the tip of your dick. It feels like you have three balls. Three balls! Fucking sweet!
--NYU
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
Dude: I swear to god dude, I can feel my balls moving from side to side today!
--5th Ave
Hipster girl: Balls have no place in my mouth. Gum, chicken, or any other kind.
--F Train
Overheard by: Teabag
Loud fat black chick : I wanna kiss the balls of the person who made these cookies.
--Broadway
Overheard by: sounds yummy
Meathead on cell: I got some good shit for you for the gym. Shoot this shit in your ass three times a week and you'll look like The Incredible Hulk in no time... I can't believe you're doing all this stuff to impress your wife. We'll see how impressed she is when you don't have any balls anymore because you're on steroids. Who knows, maybe she'll start fucking me instead.
--48th & 8th
Overheard by: vicky
Guy on phone: I know classical music well enough to know that Vivaldi had no balls.
--42nd St & 10th Ave
There's No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!
Conductor: This is Willets Point/Shea Stadium. You know, home of the other team. (passengers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one really likes the Mets. Anyhoo, have a nice day, everyone. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--7 Train
Overheard by: Kristen
20-something guy wearing Red Sox hat to girlfriend: There's no way we can have kids in New York. They'd be going to school with a bunch of brainwashed Yankee fan offspring, and every night we'd have to be telling them bedtime stories that end with "and they all lived happily every after, except for Derek Jeter, because he's a fuckin' asshole."
--1 Train
Young woman on cell: I'm from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York... It's hard being a Yankees fan surrounded by fucking Red Sox fans. I can't do it anymore.
--L Train
Overheard by: I agree...
Subway conductor: Yankees fans. This is a Bronx-bound express D. This will not stop at Yankee stadium. Transfer at the next station to the B. (20 minutes later) Yankees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yankee stadium. You can transfer to the B at the next station. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.
--D Train
20-something mother to another, trying hard to look knowledgeable: The Yankees and Mets are playing two games today, the first at Yankee stadium and the second at Fenway, where the Mets play.
--Barnes & Noble Cafe
Woman in Jesus t-shirt: Jesus hates the Yankees.
--Uptown C Train
Overheard by: Penny
Conductor to packed train: Attention, attention passengers. To all Yankee fans on this train, please have a safe day today, and enjoy the game. Personally, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.
--Uptown 4 Train
Wednesday One-Liners for Celebretards
Young black guy to another: You know, Obama is to politics what Richard Simmons is to exercise.
--PATH Train
Guy standing outside bar: And she was like, "What, like Gary Coleman?" and I'm like, "No, not like fucking Gary Coleman!"
--4th & 10th
Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green only had one testicle. It's totally fine.
--E 11th St
Overheard by: j
Suit on cell: And I was like, "Fuck you, Ryan Cabrera"!
--Bedford & 6th St
Black girl on cell: I told you, we're like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.
--Borders, Wall St
Overheard by: step
Guy (after taking picture with Jeremy Piven): Damn! I can't put this on MySpace. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!
--Outside Barrymore Theatre
Overheard by: Pasta...Salad
Wednesday One-Liners Are Retaining Sperm
20-something woman on cell: I thought I was pregnant because I was nauseous all the time, but then I realized I was just always hungover.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to chick: What the fuck did she get pregnant for? She needed to lose some weight.
--Bowery
Hyper chick: He got me knocked up with this giant pretzel!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Pretzel Vendor
20-something girl to friend: Oh, so you're thinking because it's Memorial Day weekend you're gonna get preggers?
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn Subway Sation
Guy, about a couple who'd broken up: She came back to pick up her shit, and when you come back to pick up your shit, you know, shit happens, and she got pregnant.
--Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ashley
Lady suit on cell: Well, unless you want to get me pregnant, I'm not sure I see a way around this!
--Columbus Circle
They Get Depressed, Too
Guy #1: What is that?
Guy #2: Ice cream for pussies!
--St. Mark's
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Let Me Guess--You Voted for Him?
History genius: Was Bush president in 2002?
Friend: Yeah, he was elected in 2000.
History genius: Oh. (pause) So, if he gets elected again, he'll be president until 2016?
--V Train
Overheard by: Jordan
Introducing, Jessica Simpson's Next Commercial Venture
Girl #1: She's trying to wear all those low-cut shirts.
Girl #2: Yeah, with all the pimples on her chest that shit is nasty.
Girl #1: Yeah, I know, right? She needs some Proactive for her titties or something.
--B6 Bus
Tonight on Ninja Mom
Mother wagging finger, scolding son: I'm very disappointed in you!
Six-year-old son: Mommy, don't get mad at me, we were only trying to break each other's bones.
--W11th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Julie
Little Benny Wouldn't Mellow Out 'Til He Teamed Up with Jerry
Man to young son on Yom Kippur services: Listen, Benny, if you don't sit in services, god is going to write your name in the book of death.
Benny: Book of death! Book of death!
--Congregation B'nai Israel
Except Those Who Are Giving It
Man #1: I don't want to take it in the ass.
Man #2: What does it matter? Everybody is taking it in the ass.
--28th St & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: danny
Well I Am a Proctologist.
Guy #1: Yeah, she looked like such a mess. Her ass was hanging out and everything. Man, if that was my daughter I would take her aside and say, "Listen. Cover yourself up. That's only for daddy."
Guy #2: Hahaha, for sure. (pause) Wait. Say that again.
--54th St
Eww, You Mean Like Friendship?
Hipster guy: He's 65?
Hipster girl: I think so, yes, he's a photographer.
Hipster guy: I just don't understand what the attraction is.
Hipster girl: Well, it's not like I want to have some Hollywood romance, I just want to go over to his apartment and like eat a sandwich and play with his dog.
--Uptown A Train
Without NYU Football, You Had to Get Her Pregnant
White thug: Yeah, so she's knocked up.
White thug #2: Look on the bright side, nigga, at least the Giants won.
White thug #3: Damn, yo, NYU isn't even a real college.
--Mercer & Waverly Place
I Probably Should Join the Marines and Learn How
Girl #1: So I saw Juno the other day, it was really funny.
Girl #2: Yeah, the girl from that movie Hard Candy is in that where she like tortures a pedophile.
Girl #1: Oh yeah! That movie rocked my socks off. Man I would give anything to kick a pedophile in the neck.
--Duane Reade, 34th & 5th
If You're Ever in Doubt About What Your're Feeling, Just Ask Me
Little girl: I hate fish.
Mom (very seriously): You do not hate fish. They have never done anything to you. You may not like eating fish, but you do not hate them.
--SoHo
Their Snacks Were Taken Away, and They Were Both Given a Time-Out
Young man with wife: Excuse me, miss, do you mind moving over one so we can sit together?
Angry black woman: No, no, no, no. I paid to be here, I can sit wherever I damn well please!
Man overhearing conversation: What is your problem, lady?
Angry black woman: Shut up! I can do whatever I want! I paid to be here!
Young man: I curse you, lady!
Angry black woman: What? You curse me? You can't curse me! You ain't god! You ain't nothin'! Well guess what, I reverse the curse on you, fool!
--Loews Theatre, 42nd St
Then He Bought Me a Car, So We're Even
Queer #1: So my dad put the dog's medicine in my eye. It worked, but I was completely scandalized!
Queer #2: Yeah.
--MoNH
...Like the Rest of Us Have
Teen girl to friend: You should get a t-shirt that says "Will work for chocolate."
Friend: You should get a t-shirt that says "Will have sex for free"!
--Montegue & Henry
Overheard by: Hal
When That Didn't Work, I Had a Box of Oreos
Blond girl in leggings: Oh my god, and then I had to give my practitioner a list of all the things wrong with my body, which was like, everything!
Brunette girl in leggings: Yeah, totally, everything!
Blond girl in leggings: And I can't believe that I was dry heaving! I mean, I've been anxious before but I've never dry heaved!
Brunette girl in leggings: Yeah, but sometimes some anxiety is good! It motivates you!
Blond girl in leggings: Yeah, but I had to do fifty sun salutations before I felt okay again!
--Columbia University Campus
Overheard by: amalthya
And It's Not Like New York Subways Ever Change Their Routes
Automated announcer: The next stop is 59th Street.
(people flee the train)
Conductor: The next stop on this train will be 14th Street, Union Square. Not 59th Street. ...you people take this train every day. You should know better than that, now come on!
--Uptown 4 Train
Overheard by: Cait
Do You Have a Headache? I Have a Headache.
Student #1: You can't be racist against midgets.
Student #2: What about a race of midgets? You know there were islands where scientists found four foot elephants.
Student #1: All elephants are four feet.
--NYU
Overheard by: Ajay
"Moose, Elk, or Animals"?
Young earnest female: I don't care what that Palin bitch says... I mean, she is hot... like I would do her if her old man bailed on her.
Young bored female friend: You don't got no sense. She does frickin' moose, elk or animals and things.
Young earnest female: Men does sheep, why not women?
Young bored female friend: You ain't got the equipment, for one thing...
--Pelham Stop 3
Overheard by: Deder
Oh. Like a Joke
Older mailman (in AOL voice): You've got mail!
Woman (flatly): Yes.
Older mailman: Like a computer! You've got mail!
--The Village
Overheard by: CS
Mary Magdalene Was a Preppy Asian Chick?
Preppy Asian girl #1: Look! The crazy religious people gave me a key chain.
Preppy Asian girl #2: What's it say?
Preppy Asian girl #1: That I'm number one with Jesus.
Preppy Asian girl #2: I don't think Jesus will appreciate the fact that you're a slut.
--N Train
Sunsets Are Back, Baby
Girl: So, our assignment was to bring in something "beautiful" for art class.
Friend: Uh huh.
Girl: And I brought in a picture of the sunset. But this other girl brought in trash and the teacher loved it! And I was like, thinking trash is beautiful was a new idea like ten years ago, you know?
Friend: Actually, not really.
Girl: Oh, well, like ten years ago someone tried to start this thing where trash was pretty, but like, no one is still doing that!
--1 Train
I Don't Think That's What Tim Gun Meant
20-something grad student #1: You can't sleep with her! Dude, she's in high school!
20-something grad student #2: Dude, she's 18!
20-something grad student #1: Dude...oh...well... Carry on!
--114th St & Broadway
Overheard by: S.W.
Headline by: S.T.
Runners-Up:
· "Bill Finally Accepted That Ted Would Be Having an Excellent Adventure Without Him" - lex
· "Dude, Her Myspace Page Wouldn't Lie" - the trayster
· "Ethics Majors Cram for Their Final Exams." - Sandy Paws
· "If She Can't Get Into College, at Least College Can Get Into Her." - Matthew N
· "Plus, There's the Extra Money for Tutoring Her for the SATs" - Steve
· "Then Why Is She a Sophomore?" - Mikey
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Squatting and Concentrating
NYU boy #1: I'm getting a bowel movement just thinking about going in that club.
NYU boy #2: No, that's cuz you're drinking coffee...
NYU boy #3: Oh yeah!
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: Maya G.
You're the Worst Mentor Ever
Pregnant Latina: So I've been really thinking about what I want, and I want a ranch.
Thug: A ranch? What for?! When you have a ranch you gotta have animals, nigga. It's a whole different kind of struggle.
Pregnant Latina: I just want a ranch.
Thug: Well you better make it a gun ranch.
--Uptown 4 Train
Overheard by: Jenni
And Look Who's Talking, Mr. "Snazzy"
Man #1: Man, I sure am frazzled.
Man #2: "Frazzled"? Who uses that word anymore?
Man #1: Oh, shut up! It's raining, alright?
--14th & 8th
They're So Cute When They Do Acid for the First Time
Little boy: Noooo! You didn't die, I died!
Little girl: Argghhh! The crocodiles are coming!
--134th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Tigertail
NewsFlash: Hipster Is Copycat. Film at 11
Artsy girl: I cant believe you took my idea!
Bearded hipster boy: My cat died and so I can use it my way.
Artsy girl: But now everyone thinks it was your idea to skin the cat! And it was mine! Next thing you know, you'll be plucking the feathers out of birds and dipping them in blood!
Bearded hipster boy: Good idea, I think I will.
Artsy girl: Cunt!
--Outside Cooper Union School
Overheard by: jemma lower
Or If We Were an Alien Race That Mated Through Our Hands
Short, fat, toothless-sounding woman: What we do is not disgraceful. There's nothing disgraceful about you.
Tall thin man, with boom box in hand: No.
Short, fat, toothless-sounding woman: There's nothing disgraceful about me.
Tall thin man: No.
Short, fat, toothless-sounding woman: It's the sin that's disgraceful. Us, holding hands, how we show our love, that's fine. It would be a whole different story if I wasn't married, but I am.
--Essex & Delancey
Overheard by: nb
So Many Problems Can Be Solved Just by Caring Less
(girl dressed in gym clothes walks into elevator)
Elevator operator: How was the gym?
Girl: Eh, fine. I wasn't very motivated today.
Elevator operator: That's okay honey, just pop a Xanax.
--Elevator, 15th & 7th
And the Worst Part Is, They're Lingerie Models!
Guy #1: Yeah, she's hot and a violent kisser, but her twin sister is so needy.
Guy #2: Needy how?
Guy #1: She's all like, "But we share everything!"
Guy #2: Fuck you, dude. Fuck you.
--W 10th & Hudson
So I Can Pour It Over Your Head
Tall man to fat woman (after pouring two glasses of water): You want a glass?
Fat woman: No, thanks.
Tall man: God told me to pour two glasses. He talks to me all the time.
Fat woman: Okay, if your god told you, I have to take it.
--Montefiore Medical Center
Overheard by: Juantanom Bay
New York Is Always First With New Cutting-Edge Minorities
Girl to older sister: Man, you have so many problems. Mom once said that otherwise she thought you could get all kinds of money for your eggs from infertile couples but you're just, like, so messed up.
Older sister: Yeah, but whatever. I can understand why people don't want eggs from an epileptic thyroidless girl. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm excited to have my own potentially epileptic and thyroidless children, but other people just...don't understand.
Girl: Yeah, your people are just so misunderstood.
--1 Train
Overheard by: I understand!
It's Hard to Go Back to Vanilla Once You've Had M&M
Bouncer: What is *with* you tonight?
Girl promoting free comedy show: I had sex last night and I want everyone to be happy for me! His ball sack melted in my mouth! (to passerby) Free comedy show downstairs tonight! (a second later, screaming across the street) His ball sack melted in my mouth!
--Bleecker Street
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
And Once I Saw a Musical Episode of The Simpsons
Professor: Has anyone seen an opera? Which was your favorite?
Student: Well, I only saw one.
Professor: Which one?
Student: Cats.
--Jay & Tillary
Trust Me, I'm a High School English Teacher.
Immigrant girl: No! Jessica has da same accent as me!
Guy: Nah, man, Jessica speaks English mad affluent.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Miguel
I Told Them to Bring Us Back Some Barbeque
Street vendor #1: Socks! Socks!
Street vendor #2: Your kids and my kids are down in the underworld together.
--Court & Livingston, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Sean McGurr
Could We Get Through One Day Without Talking About Wolf-Mating?
20-something male of questionable sexuality: That's such a cute dog! Hey, do you know where dogs come from?
Female best friend: Where?
20-something male of questionable sexuality: Wolves!
Female best friend: No way!
Male of questionable sexuality: Yeah!
Female best friend: How did that happen?
20-something male of questionable sexuality: I don't know. I think two really small wolves mated or something.
--42nd St
Overheard by: Maddie's Friend
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