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The Size of Their Instruments
Barista: Weren't you showing me some German porn just a little earlier?
Patron: It was not porn! It was a music video! With...lots of naked German men in it.
Barista: And the difference is what, exactly?
--Starbucks Near Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Kosi
Wanna Come Over and See My Antlers?
Guy #1: Shoot him in the dick!
Girl playing Big Buck Hunter: I like dicks, but usually I make them do the shooting!
Guy #2: I like where this is headed!
--Black Bear Lodge
Overheard by: DR G LUV
Non-Ironic Glee Is Prohibited Under Borough Guidelines
Middle aged woman, loudly: Spring is in the air, and I'm feeling sprung!
Middle aged husband: Babe, what the hell ya doin?
--Starbucks, Queens
Overheard Editors: "We're Just the Messengers."
Filipino queer: N'est pas moi!
Chick: Wait, what'd you say?
Filipino queer: "N'est pas moi," it's French for "it's not me." Want me to say it in Filipino? Click click click.
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chuckles
But I'll Tell You Anyway
Guy, excitedly: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Girl: No.
Guy, deflated: Oh...you don't want to know about that then.
--NYU
A Unique Fighting Style Which Has Served Me Well
White dude: So, have you heard what happened?
Suit guy: Yeah...he doesn't have the juice I have...I go straight to the balls!
--Canal St.
Overheard by: THA BLACK NINJA
The Hardy Boys Were Called in to Investigate
White lady reading gossip magazine: Will you all be quiet? I wanna read about Madonna's age mystery!
Black hipster girl: Look at that bitch's hands! Case closed.
--2 Train
Overheard by: not from these parts
Meet Some Nice People, for a Change
Toddler at bus stop, throwing a fit: No! I don't want to get on the bus!
Bus driver: Come on! The bus is a fun place!
Nearby passenger: Yeah, I love the bus! Why don't you join us?
Boy's mother: Get your ass on the fucking bus.
--Q44
I Suspect It's Your Thighs You Really Have to Worry About
Girl: I think I have gout. Look at my fat knees!
Guy friend: Are you sure you're not just having self-image issues?
--Starbucks, 96th & Madison
And the Marks Were in the Shape of a Heart
Girl: I can't get drunk when you're not.
Guy: Why not?
Girl: You hit me, you're mean to me, you bite me--the last time you left marks on my boobs!
Guy: I never hit you.
--125th St & Broadway
Overheard by: psychologist-in-waiting
Rock, Dude. He'd Fucking Rock.
New wave boy: You're like Lou Reed with a vagina.
New wave girl: Since when did he not have one?
Random stoner friend: Hey, do you want to get Indian food!?
New wave girl: What would Lou Reed do?
--2nd Ave &14th
Overheard by: Mischa
This Would Not End Well
Girl #1 (looking at matzoh ball soup): Holy shit, this ball is huge!
Girl #2: Hahahah, that's what she said.
Girl #1: Do balls like get bigger when they're cooked?
--Hell's Kitchen
...Can I Have a Pretzel?
Old man: Do you want a pretzel?
Old woman: No, I don't want a pretzel! If I wanted a pretzel I'd ask for a pretzel!
--Times Square
Those Were Some Tense Times During the Last Season of Newlyweds
Girl #1: And I was like, "Hell, no! Do not have his baby! Do not have his baby! Please!"
Girl #2: Mmm hmm, for real.
--6 Train
It's Also Taughten Me Some Great New Words
Girl to boy: I just got this computer software that's supposed to, like, speeden my reading comprehension.
Boy to girl: Oh...right, right, I saw that shit on tv.
--147th & Amsterdam
To Understand Why Horton Would Hear a Who.
Crazy guy: How long it take you to read that book?
Book reader: A few days.
Crazy guy: I got some books back at my apartment. You try to read 'em, you have a glitch. You gotta open up the creative part of your mind to read these. You gotta have a serious mental illness.
--E Train
Oh Deer
Girl #1: A fawn is an animal? I was just guessing.
Girl #2: Yeah, it's a small deer, like Bambi.
Girl #1: Bambi was a fawn?! I thought he was a cantaloupe!
Girl #2: You mean an "antelope"!
--Union Square Food Emporium
Junkies All Ride Unicycles, You Know
Hipster girl staring at bike locked to sign: Why would anyone steal just the front wheel of a bike?
Hipster guy: To buy heroin.
--Grand & Driggs
Overheard by: Adam
And Removed Them for That Video
Teen girl holding up lacy thong to friend: Yo! Anita! Get dis one!
Friend: Nah. I already got those! Remember? I wore them for those pictures.
--Strawberry, Union Square
If This Were a Movie, They'd Go on to Form This Season's Unlikeliest Friendship
Hobo to teen girl with an Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt: Fitch...Fitch... How can you wear a shirt like that? Multimillion dollars...when there's so many bigger problems? Stupid...stupid.
Girl: Um, excuse me?
Hobo: How much they pay you to wear that around?
Girl (with attitude): Four. Thousand. Dollars.
Hobo: I..
Girl (interrupting): An hour.
Hobo: Oh, okay, understandable.
--Central Park
Overheard by: heygirlhey
You've Mastered the Thin Line Between Dreds and Pigtails
Girl #1: Aw, you look like a cute bum.
Girl #2: Thanks!
--Leon M. Goldstein High School
Overheard by: Robert
Sounds Delish--Buh-Bye, Now
Thug: Hello ladies--give me some money, come on, show me what your workin' with!
Girls: Sorry.
Thug: If I had money I'd buy a box of frosted flakes, organic milk and you two on the side. Yeehaaa!
--Keyfoods, 5th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Elspeth Tremblay
Raising a Masochist Has Its Challenges
Yuppie mom to crying daughter: Sophie, put your jacket on or you're going to get sick and have to get shots!
Detached father: Yeah, ten shots...and they'll hurt.
--Bleecker & MacDougal
Overheard by: Samskiii
Should We Call the Better Business Bureau?
Guy #1, sitting on bench looking at own hand: This isn't LSD, these are...pieces of cardboard, that guy just ripped me off.
Guy #2, sitting next to him: Lemme eat one, we'll see.
--Washignton Square
Overheard by: guthrie
Sweet Georgia Brown Loves Basketball
Three-year-old girl: They got balls!
Mom: Balls?
Three-year-old girl: Yeeeeah!
--Globetrotters Game, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: amira
There's a Word for That?
Female teacher: What's that word for men who draw the male anatomy?
Male student: Uh..."penis"?
--Stuyvesant High School
So This Is Kosher?
White guy: Hi, I'd like a pork bun please.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Chicken bun?
White guy: Uh, no, a pork bun please.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Chicken bun?
White guy: Um, no. (points at pork bun) I'd like a pork bun. Pork.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Oh. (pause) Chicken bun?
White guy: Yes. Chicken bun.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Two dollar.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Steve Major
Tonight on Lost
Young girl on father's shoulders (pointing to statue in Union Square): Is that George Washington?
Father (very matter-of-factly): Yes, it is. That's why this is called Washington Square Park.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Stephanie Box
Now Who Gets Stuck Being Velma?
Asian teen #1 (pointing to friend sitting nearby): Hey, Richard*, are you tall?
(friend shrugs) Okay, you can be shaggy! (pointing to kid sitting next to him) And you can be Scooby-Doo!
Asian teen #2 (from the other side of the car): Ooh! I wanna be Fred!
--7 Train
Overheard by: Bastian
Josh Decides to Register and Vote
Hobo to 20-something guy: Who you votin' for?
Guy: I don't vote.
Hobo: You better fuckin' not.
Guy to friends: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
--Little Italy
When I Finish Shitting on Your Friend's Chest, I'm Totally Asking You Out
(teenage girl goes to stand next to her friend in line for the bathroom)
Crazy hobo: Bitch, get to the back of the line! I gotta take a shit!
Teenage girl: Oh, I'm not in line, I'm just talking to my friend.
Crazy hobo: If you don't get outta line, I will take a shit on your chest. Do you want me to take a shit on your chest? Cause I will! (to teenage girl's friend) Oooh girl, you pretty. Why you hang out with cunts like these?
--Starbucks, 6th & Christopher
To Be Fair, Columbus Also Made Four Voyages
Conductor: This is a reminder that soliciting is illegal on all New York City subway trains, even if it's for the homeless.
Loud ghetto guy: Attention ladies and gentleman, I'm collecting money for the homeless. Help the homeless? Help the homeless?
Conductor: This is a reminder that soliciting is illegal on all New York City subway trains, even if it's for the homeless. This is his fourth trip. Don't do it.
Loud ghetto guy: Attention ladies and gentlemen, I'm collecting money for the homeless. Help the homeless? Help the homeless?
--Shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square
Overheard by: Alison R.
Bleeding String Warts Are Social Suicide in New York
Teen girl #1: Ewwwwww.
Teen girl #2: I know, and it wasn't even vomit!
--Union Square
The Surest Way to a Man's Heart: Through Your Large Intestine.
30-something woman #1: It's only a matter of time when you start dating a guy before he asks you the question.
30-something woman #2: What question?
30-something woman #1: C'mon, the thing that every guy asks for in bed.
30-something woman #2: Ooooooohhhh, anal sex.
30-something woman #1: That's the question!
--E Train to Queens
Overheard by: butt, of course
Headline by: Brian Costlow
Runners-Up:
· "Alex, I'll Take "Things That Will Never Happen" for $100" - The Trayster
· "Gotta Stop Meeting Boyfriends at the Pray Out The Gay Sessions." - KJM
· "I Always Keep My Strap-on in My Purse - Just in Case." - Sodajerk
· "I Just Hope He Doesn't Ask at a Baseball Game. Too Cliche." - pieski
· "Pooping the Question" - tech98
· "Reason #32 to Be a Lesbian" - Trey Jackson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Results of Ann's Word-Association Test Would Haunt Her Throughout Her Career
Nursing student #1: What about backpacks?
Nursing student #2: Mmm...Nazis.
--Wagner College
And You Think You've Got Problems?
Black lady #1: A rash, I got a rash! On my thing--my thing was little, they done made it big! And that shit is traveling, I don't know what the fuck I gonna do.
Black lady #2 (watching soap opera on tv): Expelled?
Black lady #1: What the fuck is that?
Black lady #2: He's expelled, that means he can't come to school no more.
--Waiting Room, North General Hospital
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Except Melted Baby Is a Bitch to Clean Up
Jen: My client is soooo annoying. She won't eat soft cheese cuz she claims it's bad for her baby.
Renee: Soft cheese is bad for her baby?
Jen: Well, yeah, but if she melts it then it's fine.
--39th & 2nd
Overheard by: Dorey
Wednesday One-Liners Belch Diesel Fumes
Excited bus driver: Next stop, 6th Avenue! Herald Square! Vicky's secret! Something for everyone! Get off!! Get off!
--M16 Bus
Overheard by: nora!
Bus driver: Everyone who is exceedingly good-looking move to the back of the bus!
(people giggle but still not much room in front)
Bus driver: Well, it's good to know you're a modest bunch, but you gotta move back or I'm not moving this bus.
--Bus, Central Park West
Overheard by: passenger
Bus driver over sound system: Dis bus is out of service! Dis bus is out of service! People in da back get up, close the fucken back window, and leave!
--Bx9 Bus
Bus driver over intercom: Good morning, this is a friendly reminder that the holiday shopping season now begins the day after Halloween. Make sure to allot six hours extra travel time as the city gets rather hectic at this time.
--M23 Bus
Bus driver over intercom: Come on, move back, people. There's coffee and jelly donuts in the back of the bus.
--Crosstown Bus, 57th St
Overheard by: Flexy
Bus driver (calmly): Move to the back of the bus. I heard there is mad room in the back of the bus. Mad room. I got an e-mail up here that says there is mad room in the back. Can someone quantify how much is "mad" for me? Mad room in the back of the bus. Mad room. Mad room!
--Crowded Q 55 Bus
Overheard by: Matt
Bus driver: This is the Q44 express going to Jamaica. We are traveling along Main Street, next stop is 41st Avenue. For those of you that don't speak English: blah, blah, blah, blah...
--Bus, Flushing
Wednesday One-Liners Embrace the Stereotype
Queer: I don't want someone to fuck me with their stoma!
--11th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Amanda
Gay guy: That girl is such a Rice Krispie.
--Outside Gristedes, Christopher St
Overheard by: McF
Queer on cell: And I said to him, "Take it like the bottom you are!"
--8th St & 23rd St
Gay guy: I just got pounded by the two hottest guys I've ever seen!
--58th & 9th
Gay man (getting his hair cut by another): So we went to Fire Island this weekend and we went to this party. I said, "Patrick, you better pee on Jon right now to mark your territory."
--57th & 7th
Gay man on cell: Oh, morals disappear after 8pm!
--Amsterdam & 83rd
A Big Package of Wednesday One-Liners
Older woman, enunciating precisely: I could never understand wanting to have a penis. I know *I* never wanted one.
--Hudson St
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Chick: Don't you feel better knowing your cock is better than fermented squid guts?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Guy to friend: And then it just popped out of the bag--you know, kind of like a penis pops out!
--Dunkin Donuts
Blond: But baby, the only thing that rhymes with penis is "mm mm good"!
--Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: what rhymes with vajay?
Little boy: (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis! (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis!
--Downtown N Train
Brunette NYU student: You know when like people in junior high ask you what you'd do if you had a penis for a day? I'd always say "piss in a soap dispenser."
--W 3rd b/w 6th & MacDougal
Overheard by: Alan
Wednesday One-Liners Talk Shit
Woman to friend: I have a theory: they just throw the horseshit over the wall.
--Central Park South
Overheard by: marijke
Jewish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amazing this chair is. It gives great lumbar support. You will be jealous and then you will poop from jealousy... But you better not poop on my chair.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Woman on cell: Honey, but they were pooping all over the deck and hitting each other with shovels!
--West Village
NYU student to mother: You can't really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars...well, you can...but you'll just poop it out later.
--4th St & 2nd Ave
(mother notices toddler's soiled diaper, says something to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Toddler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaaiit, can I walk, so my poop doesn't get squashed?
--Bedford & 5th
20-something guy to friend: You need feces? I can provide!
--Broadway & 12th
Overheard by: elijah
Wednesday One-Liners Flunk the Polygraph
Woman on cell: I can't come. I'm in the Poconos right now.
--Rite Aid, The Bronx
Punk girl on phone: Hi mom...yeah... Yeah, me and Jane are just walking around in the neighborhood... Yeah, we're at the Time Warner center right now. No! No, of course I'm not on St. Mark's. No. I'd never go there. Of course I'm sober! Why wouldn't I be? Yeah. Okay, love you, bye! (hangs up phone, now to friend with beer) Gimme some of that!
--St. Mark's Place
Russian guy on phone (in Russian): Yeah, I'm on Avenue M. I just got off, I'll be there in a few.
--Q Train, Kings Highway
Overheard by: Robert
Dude on cell: Yo! What's up? I'm waiting at LaGuardia.
--Martin Luther King High School
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm on Long Island right now. I'll be here for a little while.
--Park Slope
Female suit on phone: I have to cancel dinner tonight, I had that meeting I told you about, remember? And I'm still not back yet. Yeah. Yeah, I'm in Jersey still.
--Washington Square Park
Woman on cell outside a pub: Honey? It's mommy. We're still at the hospital. I don't know, we could still be here for hours.
--1st & 72nd
Overheard by: Well, there were hospitals nearby, at least
Wednesday One-Liners Are Big Fun
Girl: Imagine if you're fat? You would die.
--College of Staten Island
Overheard by: Nameless
Girl on cell: I just don't trust her, she's fat. Fat girls always cause problems.
--3rd Ave & 40th
Overheard by: Liz
Overweight teen girl to friend: It's like, I'm kind of hungry but like I don't feel like eating anything. (a minute later to cashier) I'll have three bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a frosty.
--Wendy's, Union Square
Overheard by: I was starving and bought less
14-year-old girl to group of friends: I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.
--18th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Will
Senior ad exec to junior art designer: What the fuck doesn't this guy understand? The machine literally sucks fat out of your body! So we can't show a girl with a huge ass and huge thighs in the ad! Get it the fuck together!
--49th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: agree to agree
20-something girl: I think I look fat when I don't have armpit hair.
--Canal & Mott
Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Neighborhoodies Proudly
Snooty middle-aged woman to gaggle of friends: I don't care about the rest of the city, I only care about my street.
--NoHo
Overheard by: me too
Middle-aged white guy to receptionist: I am glad to be out of the old neighborhood, though. Not that I am prejudiced, but the Hassidim, I just don't like them!
--Dentist Office, Carroll Gardens
Suit: I mean, he lives on 86th Street. That's just generic land!
--L Train
Girl (loudly to friends): No, that's Bushwick. We don't want to get off there! It's really shi... (glances around nervously at people who are now looking at her) I had...a shitty... experience in Bushwick.
--L Train
Overheard by: Rebecca
Hipster guy: And look out, cuz Williamsburg's still hood, dude!
--23rd St & 8th St
Overheard by: alex
It's Not Delivery, It's Wednesday One-Liners
Chunky lady to skinny friend who ordered a Diet Coke: Bitch, I will slap the shit out of you with this pizza...I'll eat it, too. I don't even care.
--14th St b/w 3rd & 4th Ave
Wasted guy, placing order: A slice of pizza on the rocks.
--1st Ave & 20th St
Overweight Paris Hilton wannabe, loudly on cell: No, the food wasn't like, out of this world, like what I'm used to. No...not really. I'd say more like a touch of Greece--with maybe Turkish or Egyptian. I mean, it's almost impossible to find a good slice of pizza in the city nowadays.
--Crowded LIRR Train
Overheard by: CV
little girl to parents: I like mine with salt, pepper and bone.
--La Rocca's Pizzaria, Staten Island
Overheard by: Dawn D.
Female suit to friends: Oh no, I can't. I save my pizza binge-eating for when I'm drunk.
--Ave of the Americas
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Tourist: Oooh, there's a really good pizza place down here somewhere, Sbarro.
--Basement, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: pop pop
Six-year-old to friends: We should have an Obama pizza party!
--Park Slope
Wednesday's One-Liners Are Standing at Attention
Thug: Yo, man! What color are my nipples? What color are my nipples?!
--LaGuardia High School
Teen to friend: Calm yo black nipples! Calm yo black nipples!
--Union Square
Overheard by: hairy pink nipples
Girl to friends: The idea of some machine sucking on my nipples just terrifies me!
--Bathroom, NYU
Overheard by: Trying to pee in peace
Random girl: Yeah, I have like four nipples.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Nameless
Tall beautiful 30-year-old curvaceous brunette in stockings and pumps on cell: I was like: "you're preaching about non-violence and you're touching my nipple!"
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Janusz
Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Workin' on the Railroad, All the Livelong Day
Conductor: Hey, partner, can we go? (static) We can't? Why the heck not? Hey, moron, get your ass in here! You're holding up a bunch of wonderful people! Wonderful New York commuters who don't need this kind of fucking bullshit at 3 on a Friday afternoon! (static) Yes, you! Keep pointing at yourself and my answer will keep being... Yes, it's you! Goddammit, get in the fucking train! I hate dealing with this! (long pause) You know what, make a decision: either cram your Rosie O'Donnell ass in or get the fuck out! Oh, look, he's in! (slow, sarcastic applause) Partner, we can bounce up on out of here now.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Train Wreck
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 250 years there will be track work on weekends. Don't say that no one told you.
--R Train
Overheard by: Mezz
Conductor: If you don't fit on this train kindly wait for the next B. (doors close) That was excellent, ladies and gentlemen, if you keep this up, we'll all be home really soon.
--B Train
Conductor, looking forward to the end of his shift: All right folks, this is your 6:07 train to New Haven stopping at 125th, then express to Stamford. We're off... (makes clippy-clop noises) Neeiiigghh!
--Metro-North Train
Overheard by: Amused passenger
Conductor: This is 125th Street, may the force be with you, next stop 86th Street.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Luke Skywalker
Conductor, after train goes through stop: Whoops! My bad. My bad.
--G Train
Overheard by: El David
Conductor, after train stops: Ladies and gentlemen, there is train traffic up ahead. We'll start moving as soon... (train starts moving) Oh, well, I guess that's cleared up. Weee!
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Hooked on Wednesday One-Liners Worked for Me!
Tween girl: No, it's "Yiddish"! "Yiddish," not "ribbit."
--Penn Station
Overheard by: ragnvaeig
20-something girl to older friend: No, no... "ghetto" is just slang--it's not a real word.
--PATH Train
Guy on cell: Yo. (pause) Yo, yo. (pause) Yo, yo. (pause) Yo, yo, yo.
--Pacific St & Atlantic Ave
Overheard by: jayloo
Guy to another, who has obviously caused him some emotional strife: I just don't understand why you had to did me so dirty.
--Hudson River Park
Teenage boy: But I ain't know where was them talkin' about it! (teenage friend nods sympathetically)
--Downtown 6 Train
Girl to guy: It must be your manstinct. (pause) Not ya manstink!
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Soundtrack of Your Life
Guy to friend: Dude, I'm working on a new house song right now. It's going to kick ass. It's called "Google It". It goes "Googleit, Googleit, Googleit..."
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Ian
Two guys: Ladies and gentlemen, we are not asking for any money, we just want to sing a little Linkin Park. (they proceed to jump around and sing Linkin Park)
--Uptown N Train
Overheard by: Hametuka
Hipster to friend: Flava Flav...yeah, he's like that skinny guy in Lord of the Rings...you know... "my precioussss..." Yeah... That's him...just a darker version.
--Subway, Brooklyn
Preteen: I won't beat my wife! I listen to Bob Marley!
--E 21st St b/w 1st & 2nd
Dude (matter-of-factly): Crazy northerners...don't quite understand that we're aware of how to speak English in the South. We just choose to say things cooler. That's why Southern rap sounds so much cooler.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: another misunderstood southerner
Middle aged tourist woman: Have you heard all of these Country Western songs about little girls recently? There's like four of them, and they're all really good too!
--Pinkberry, Bleecker b/w MacDougal & Sullivan
Overheard by: Jason
Think It's Left Over from the Mongol Invasion?
Hot hipster girl #1: Oh my god, that's a beautiful Buddhist temple!
Hot hipster girl #2: Umm no, that's a Chinese restaurant...
Hot hipster girl #1: Oh well, then it must be really authentic.
--Eldridge & Broome
During Rush Hour, It's Hard to Be Certain
Yunnie girl #1: I hate the subway. You know, I've been fucked on the subway. Twice, actually.
Yunnie girl #2: Huh?
Yunnie girl #1: What--you mean you've never had sex on the subway?
--6 Train
Then My Students Turned Me on to Crack.
Crackhead #1: At the time I was going to school to become a peer educator...
Crackhead #2: Uh-huh.
--103rd St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Jonesy
Is It Wrong That This Seems Reasonable to Us?
(cabbie cuts bus off, both cab and bus are stopped at traffic light. Bus driver opens his window)
Bus driver: I'm gonna hit one of you! You know, it's my goal to hit one of you people before I retire, it really is--you almost just made it happen! You people gotta learn someday! (turns to passenger) We're allowed one accident per year. I'm saving all of mine for that.
--M15 Bus to South Ferry
But Leave a Message with My Secretary, and I'll Get Back to You
(man in bondage gear is being bent over by woman holding his leash. Another woman is whipping him)
Random man with camera: Hey, can you turn around?
Bondage woman (in mid whip): No, I can't turn around, I'm fucking busy!
--Halloween Parade
Overheard by: kevin fitzpatrick
The Food or the Singer?
Girl (pointing at Nano ad on side of phone booth): Look, it's those iPods I want to eat.
Guy: Eat them? They do kind of look like Skittles.
Girl: Yes, mmmmm! I want to eat them!
Guy: What would the gray one taste like?
Girl: Meatloaf.
--56th & 9th
Overheard by: Guy who wouldn't eat them
Now, Less Than Ever
Salesguy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find anything?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The perfume's too much for us.
Salesguy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we'd pass out eventually.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don't want that. Ambulances are bad for business.
Salesguy: I've always wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance!
Chick #2: Um...
Chick #1: Actually, it's a bit of a role reversal. We're waiting for my husband to finish shopping.
Salesguy: Oh, which one is your husband?
Chick #1: He's right there.
Salesguy: The one with the ponytail? Looks like a vampire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that's him.
Salesguy: Boy, you're one lucky lady.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Salesguy: Hey, does he have a brother?
Chick #1: Yes.
Salesguy: Just kidding. Does he have a sister?
Chick #1: No.
Salesguy: Oh. Well, I was still kidding. You sure you don't want to come in?
--Outside The Body Shop, 76th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rose Fox
It's Nice You Can Share
Girl #1: My boyfriend totally has better taste in guys than I do.
Girl #2: Totally.
--Fordham University
Or Anyplace Else in New York, Except Possibly Staten Island
Loud black girl on train #1: Why ain't we goin' to the tattoo place on West 4th Street?
Loud black girl on train #2: Nah, we can't got there, Christine's homophobic. She can't go there.
--A Train
I Was Gonna Ask You About "Roof," But Now My Head Hurts
Guy #1: How do you pronouce t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e?
Guy #2: "Tearable."
Guy #1: "Terrable."
Guy #2: That's what I said. "Tearable."
Guy #1: No, "terr." Like "pteradactyl." "Terra firma."
--42nd Street Station
Tonight on Deadliest Catch
Mom: You've had crabs before?
40-something son: Yeah...but it wasn't from having sex with a dirty whore. It was from sleeping on a dirty bed.
--Bx 12 Bus
Overheard by: maritza
What If We Call Her "The Freedom Fille"?
Mom to little boy, walking past a toy store: Look, it's a Madeline Doll!
Boy: But I don't like Madeline, she's French! Ewwww!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: smart kid
Why Did He Want Our Wallets, Anyway?
Brunette: That Secret Service guy was really rude!
Redhead: I know, and he wasn't in uniform, how does he expect us to know!
Brunette: Yeah, I want to complain. He shouldn't be out here without his uniform.
--Bowling Green Subway Entrance
Like, 90% Of the Kansas Population Is Just Cardboard Cutouts
(two 30-something white guys coming back from the gym on Saturday night)
Guy #1: I mean, New York is real. Boston is real. Everywhere else in America, it isn't real.
Guy #2: Totally.
--W 82nd & Broadway
Do They Make Them in a Slingback?
Thug: What kinda shoes are those?
Chick in black feather skirt with 5-inch red and white heels: Miu Mius.
Thug: They're pretty.
--Bryant Park Tents
Overheard by: stephie
Wait-- Aren't You a Creative Writing Major?
Girl: And I had to buy my own scalpel, too.
Boy: Well, at least you'll have one now.
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: You never know when you'll need to skin a cat.
Girl: Or a person...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: why do i go to school here?
The Kitten Makes It Look So Fun in That "Hang in There, Baby" Poster
Douchebag #1: Yo, let's see who can hang longer from the bars.
Douchebag #2: Naw.
Douchebag #1: Why not? You scared I'm gonna beat you?
Douchebag #2: Alright, fine, but I wanna wait until some ladies get on.
(train arrives at Union Square and some ladies get on)
Douchebag #1: Alright, let's do this.
(they both attempt to hang from the hand rails and immediately give up and let go)
Douchebag #1: That shit's stupid anyways.
--L Train
Overheard by: Jenni
Didn't You Say That About Ross Perot?
Man #1 (referring to Sarah Palin): Yeah, she's beautiful. She'll eventually become a TV star... Fox'll give her a job.
Man #2: Exactly. I wouldn't want her to be president, but I'd want to see her naked.
--7 Train
Overheard by: emma
My Barbie Says Girls Don't Care About Such Things
Park Slope mom: What did you do in science class today?
Five-year-old girl: You do not want to know.
--F Train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Stanley Was Delighted to Meet a Kindred Spirit
(short school bus is backing up)
Little boy (mimicking sound): Beep, beep, beep!
(cop car starts siren ten feet away)
Grown man (10 feet away from): Woop woop!
--25th St & Park Ave
...Yadda Yadda Yadda, the Ebola Virus
Loud girl: Oh my god! So what did you say to him?
Dirty hippie-wanna-be: Well, then the man said he could hold his monkey for him...
--St. Mark's b/w 1st & A
A New York Cop is Born
Four-year old boy #1: Hey, try to catch me!
Four-year old boy #2: Shut the fuck up, motherfucker!
--Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Natalie
Headline by: poop
Runners-Up:
· "And Thus the Tupac/Biggie Battle Humbly Began" - RBNY
· "I Guess This Is What Bill Cosby Meant..." - cmtWHATUP
· "Richard Pryor Reincarnated" - Casual Observer
· "That Seseme Street/South Park Merger Was Bound to Have Consequences" - Cartman wins again
· "The Argument Against Grand Theft Auto As a Stocking Stuffer" - space coyote
· "The Rules Of Tag Have Changed Over Time." - Oh, this younger generation...
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
One Quote. So Many Questions
Dude: Also, it was kind of fun to walk down the street hitting myself in the neck with a hammer.
Chick: I think that was around the same time as the plastic cube.
Dude: No, I wasn't wearing the plastic box on my head at that point. It would have interfered with the neck hammering.
--Lenny's Bagels, 23rd St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
It Was More Like Three and a Half
NYU undergrad girl #1: No, I did not have sex with him five hours after you did!
NYU undergrad girl #2: Whatever...
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Glad not still in college
How'd You Get Your Muzzle Off, Anyway?
Man: I'll give you the shirt off my back!
Woman: I don't want your shirt. I give you shirts! Why would I take it back?
(pause)
Man (singing): "We are the champions, we are the champions..."
--L Train
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Finding a Man with the Last Name "Foreman" Is the Tricky Part
Chick #1: Tell him what you're going to name your kids.
Chick #2: Dawn of the Dead, Alice in Wonderland, and Eli the Barrow Boy. What about you?
Chick #1: George...Foreman.
--Happy Days Diner
Robin Hood and Maid Marian Clicked from Day One
Guy: I mean, you don't really need a shotgun to kill deer. I think a bow and arrow is much cooler.
Girl: Totally.
--Otto's, 14th & B
Overheard by: HaleyBailey
Poor Winners Are Even Nastier Than Poor Losers
Girl: Oh shit! A dime!
(a stoner boy steps on the dime as the girl goes to pick it up)
Girl: Hey, could you please move? Hey, you're stepping on a dime! Hey!
(boy drags foot forwards with dime under it, ignoring her)
Girl, trying to lift the boy's foot: Get off! Get off the dime! Jesus! Hey! You're stepping on a dime! Get off!
(boy slides forward again and the dime slips out. He continues sliding his feet towards a stairway)
Girl (holding up dime triumphantly): Yes! A dime! (pointing at boy) You! I will kill your family!
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: I love this school
We Were Following You Until "Crucifix"
Six-year-old daughter, looking at jewelry with her father: Daddy, do you wear jewelry?
Father: No.
Daughter: Mommy wears jewelry.
Father: Well, I'm not mommy. Unless you see a crucifix behind my head.
--Macy's
But There's Just One Where I Get All My News From
Coworker #1: Wow, I can't believe the space shuttle exploded.
Coworker #2: That's what they get.
Coworker #1: What!?
Coworker #2: Who told them to go into space? That's what they get for flying in the face of god!
Coworker #1: What the hell are you talking about?
Coworker #2: They shouldn't be there. Why do you think every time the space shuttle comes back there are new diseases and shit!
Coworker #1: So you're saying there is life in space!?
Coworker #3: It's true, it's true! They're coming out with new types of onions every day!
--Retail Store Stockroom, Manhattan
Date Much?
Barnard girl: Yeah, so I'm minoring in African dance...
Guy: Oh.
Barnard girl: And homemaking. You know, knitting an crocheting and stuff...
Guy: Ohh...
Barnard girl: But my major is man-hating. Hardcore man-hating.
Guy: (silence)
Barnard girl: Just kidding. Math. I'm majoring in math.
--Starbucks, 113th & Broadway
...To Use One of Emily Dickinson's Lesser-Known Similes
English professor: So who here is eligible to vote but isn't?
(student raises hand)
English professor: Why aren't you voting?
Ditzy Asian girl: I dunno... I just don't know who to vote for.
English professor: But...they're so different. They're like chocolate ice cream and...gravel.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Shakti
Don't Barf on a Man's Bostonians and Expect Him to Bone You
Brunette: I hope there are some hot single guys at the wedding.
Blonde: Well, John's going alone so you're pretty much guaranteed a hook-up unless you throw up on his shoes.
--W 23rd St
Whatever, Ms. "I Killed a Cactus"
Thugette #1: Yo, it was mad cold yesterday, son!
Thugette #2: Yeah! The wind chill factor was like 80 degrees, man!
Thugette #1: Yo, it's like global warming, son! Think of what our kids'll be goin' through!
Thugette #2: Yo, if my kid dies, my kid dies.
Thugette #1: You're going to be a terrible mother.
--Stuyvesant High School
My Parents Had to Roll Me to Preschool
Heavy ghetto girl after being weighed: 195!
Friend: Daaaaaamn. I'm 150.
Heavy ghetto girl: I've been 195 since I was five.
Friend: Damn, girl.
--CCNY Wellness Center
Overheard by: voluptuousgrl
Tragically, This Douche Is Funnier Than the Show
Comedy club barker: Hey! You guys want to see a comedy show? Yeah, you do!
Guy: I'm sorry, man, I don't speak a word of English. Thanks, though.
Comedy club barker: Haha, I like that! Come see some comedy?
Guy, walking away: All I'm hearing is pops and clicks. Sorry.
--Bleecker & MacDougal
Overheard by: Thom Cohen
Which Explains Why H&M Clothing Never Fits Properly
European guy: I just saw Sven, that weird Swedish guy, an hour ago. Thought he already left?
American guy: I've come to the conclusion that maybe Scandinavians aren't human after all --just robots from the future.
--N Train
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