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Mamma Mia, That's a Spicy Matzoh Ball!
Guy #1: You must be Italian.
Guy #2: Uh...no, I'm Jewish.
Guy #1: Are you sure? You really look Italian.
Guy #2: Of course I'm sure. What do I have to do to prove it to you?
Guy #3: I don't like where this is going.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Jenya
Except Muslims, of Course
Cute teenage girl: Ma, what's with that Pope? Isn't he a pedophile or something?
Mother: This is New York, honey. We take everybody.
--21st St & 5th Ave
Leave Hillary Alone, People.
Flagrantly homosexual Hispanic drag queen: So, I was like, lookin', and I realized what we been hearin' is true! And damnnnn, he looked hot.
Equally homosexual drag queen who unfortunately retained many masculine characteristics: What?! She's a man now?!
--Outside Penn Station
Overheard by: Kat
We'll Be Too Busy Experimenting with Oral Sex
Eight-year-old girl: Well, we could go to a movie for a date!
Mother: I don't know about that...
Eight-year-old girl (seriously): It's not like we're going to share popcorn!
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: redefining childhood sweethearts
Which May Explain Why I'm Failing Seven Classes
Guy: Do you know what time it is?
Girl: No, I forgot my watch. But it doesn't matter, I don't really know how to tell time anyway.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill Campus
Captain Jack Sparrow Has Pirates Who Do That
Guy on date: Everything in my kitchen is from Crate and Barrel.
Girl on date: Oh.
Guy: My cups, my saucers, my plates, I have an espresso machine...
Girl: Wow.
Guy: Yeah, but I haven't mopped the floor in over a month.
--Broadway & Houston
As Much So As Anything at the MoMA
19-year-old kid, examining stack of legal-sized paper with type on it in a stairwell corner area: It's art.
19-year-old friend: It's art?
19-year-old kid: I guess.
--Whitney Museum, Biennial Exhibit
Overheard by: Amanda
She Duels Like Yoda
Guy to woman with baby strapped to her chest: Your baby looks like a little Yoda.
Woman: That's what my husband said.
Husband: No, I said she looks like Obi-Wan.
--Path b/w Christopher & 9th
Overheard by: Brwnman
Shouldn't We Be Dancing on a Bar Somewhere?
Girl #1: I feel weird today.
Girl #2: Me too.
Girl #1: I feel like I'm single again.
Girl #2 (squealing excitedly): Me too!
--N Train
Overheard by: sara n.
Coming Soon to Reality TV: Homicide or Furry Ride?
JAP #1: Oh my god, did you hear about what Aaron wrote on Brittany's Facebook wall?
JAP #2: Oh my god, yeah, that's like, disgusting. Like, she looks like a fucking koala.
JAP #1: Totally. Like, who wants to date a tree climbing marsupial?
JAP #2: Fuck no! I'd rather kill my brother!
--Saks Fifth Avenue
...Sell at 23! ...I Said Sell at 23!
Mom to six-year old son on cell: Come on, Christopher, let's go.
Six-year old son: What! I'm on the phone!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Never Having Children
Every New Yorker Should Have One Of Those
50-something man (picking up small box): Look at this! You could put your dope in this!
Wife: You wouldn't be able to fit very much dope in there...I could use it to hold my bitterness.
--Store, Crosby St
I'm Just Sayin' If You Play in the Swamp, You're Gonna Get Muddy
Hipster girl: Rough butt sex.
Hipster guy: But that's what it would've smelled like anyway.
--St. Mark's Place
Or a Bench Press, for Hanging Clothing On
Girl #1: I really need to get fit, I need to buy a tredmill, you know, so I can just sit there and use it.
Girl #2: Yeah, me too.
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Lisa
You're the One Who Said Hot Dogs Aren't Real Food
NYU girl: There's not enough time. You can't get lunch.
NYU boy (running towards a hot dog cart): I can. I'm hungry!
NYU girl (shouting after him): You're fat!
--Washington Square Park
From The Alcoholic Miser's Guide to the Big Apple
Server: Would you ladies like iced water or bottled water?
20-something girl: Do we have to pay for bottled water?
Server: Um, yes.
20-something girl: Oh, then no. I'll just have a beer.
--Pisticci Restaurant, La Salle & Broadway
Overheard by: Edd
Dude, Don't Tease the Homeless
Homeless woman on train walking around with a tip cup after playing the guitar: Please spare some change. Somebody. Anybody!
30-something Guido, pulling out a $20: Do you have change?
--7 Train
Overheard by: Maria
Hippies Are Into Sexual Assault?
Hippie chick #1: Dude, I fucking love Demuth.
Hippie chick #2: I know, right!
Hippie chick #1: If I ever met that man, I'd totally rape him.
Hippie chick #2: Oh my god! I would too!
--The Met
What About Ankle Socks?
Neighbor #1: Do you have any socks?
Neighbor #2: Knee socks? Or any socks?
Neighbor #1: Do you have any socks?
Neighbor #2: No.
Neighbor #1: Do you have knee socks?
Neighbor #2: No.
--Wagner College Dorms, Staten Island
Come Back When I've Grown This Out and I'll See What I Can Do
Customer holding $300 worth of lighting equipment: You know, if you want to give me a discount that would be totally fine with me.
Only non-hasidic employee in sight: Sorry sir, its not my store...I don't even have the right haircut.
--BH Photo
I Know About Signs Of Sun-Damage...
Teacher: Do you know anything about gang signs?
Ginger student: Do you think I know anything about gang signs? I'm as white as can be!
--Stuyvesant High School
Tell Me Your Name and We'll Go from There
Meathead #1: I am so getting my dick sucked by the end of the day.
Meathead #2: I'll make sure of it, dude.
Meathead #1: (silence)
--Grand Central
Overheard by: DrNels
Yeah, But I Still Know Where Korea Is
Kmart security guard to dumbfounded customer: Excuse me, Korea is in America, right?
Customer: Korea!? Korea is an independent nation very far from the US in the east.
Security guard: Oh, okay, are you sure? Are you American?
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: astonished
That's What You Said About the Statue of Liberty!
Guy #1: Wait, maybe it isn't really a synagogue.
Guy #2: Maybe it's a Madrassa.
Guy #3: It's a speakeasy.
--W 86th St, Outside Society for the Advancement of Judaism
Overheard by: Emily B.
Note to Self: Buy Coffeemaker
Woman making dolls dance: Eeeeee! Eeeeee! Eeeeee!
Young woman, waiting for her coffee: They're very cute.
Woman with dolls (still dancing them): They are. Eeeee!
Young woman: Did you make them?
Woman with dolls: Yes, I did.
Young woman: I like their little sweaters.
Woman with dolls: I didn't make the sweaters.
Young woman: Oh.
--Starbucks
Afterwards I Proclaim, "You've Been Morty-fied!"
Woman: Morty is a great actor, you just wouldn't know it.
Morty: Yeah, I fake it in bed.
--Connelly Theatre, E 4th
Five Minutes Later, They Found a Supply Closet and Made Sweet Love
20-something girl: Hey! How are you? You look great! What have you been doing now that you finished school?
20-something suit: Virgins only.
20-something girl: So that means we won't be having sex again.
20-something suit: Been there, done that.
--6 Train
New York City Is So Inconvenient
Arab bodega worker to white kid trying to buy 40s: How old are you?
White kid: 21
Black dude with dreads: Yo, you better make sure of that, you don't want to lose your liquor license. If you lose it, then I'm gonna have to walk a whole 'nother block to get beer.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Phil
...Until You Tell Me Your Name
Horny girl: Come on, babe.
Bemused guy: Stop touching my titty.
--LIRR
Overheard by: awkward onlooker
It's Been My Fantasy Since I Was a Little Girl
Black girl: And I told that nigga that one of these days he's better goddamn fuck me sober!
Friend: Damn straight!
--67th & Lexington
Overheard by: Oliver Woodhead
She Sure Has a Wide Social Circle for a Four-Year-Old
Guy #1: Hey, don't I know you?
Guy #2: No, I don't think so.
Guy #1: Yeah, yeah. I know you. (takes out cell phone) Your sister's in my top five.
Guy #2: Ashley?!
--Toys 'R Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Lee
Well Then, Not Since Wednesday
Stuck-up high school girl #1: Are you in distress?
Stuck-up high school girl #2: What does that mean?
Stuck-up high school girl #1: I think it means when you're pregnant.
--B Train
Overheard by: not too smart
Just Like Buddha Was the Easter Bunny.
Girl #1, about street preacher: Oh my god, I cannot believe he said Jesus was the devil.
Girl #2: I know! Jesus was Moses. Duh.
--Times Square
Overheard by: joanna
Tired of Making Out With Two-Dimensional Losers
Girl wearing 3-D glasses: Dude, I wish I could go through life three beers deep and wearing these things.
Friend: Yeah, you'd make out with everyone.
--W Lounge, Fashion Week
Headline by: Karl
Runners-Up:
· "I Wear My 3-D Glasses at Night..." - Lisa K
· "It'd Be Like the Penis Is Coming Right at You!" - Joeritos
· "Megan's Parents Would Come to Regret Taking Her to the Hannah Montana 3-D Movie" - Claire
· "So Basically Normal, But With Glasses" - Ross
· "The Bush Twins Can Finally Be Themselves" - Svenn Diagram
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
We Require an Application and 3 Letters of Reference
Charity rep. with big water bottle of money: Give so that homeless won't go hungry, even a dollar helps!
Homeless guy in wheelchair: Give me some of that money, I'm homeless.
Charity rep: Sorry, doesn't work like that.
--Times Square
...Did You Hear There's a War in Iraq?
Woman #1: You hear her dog died?
Woman #2: Who dog died?
Woman #1: Oprah's dog died.
(long pause)
Woman #2: So, anyway...
--Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
This Way I Can Gaze at Your Beautiful Hair
Husband: (smiles).
Angry wife (crossing her arms as she crosses the street): Shut up. I want you to walk 12 steps behind me.
Husband (putting his arms up making it look like he's praising god): Hallelujah!
--St. Benedicts Church, Bronx
Overheard by: nikki q
"Wednesday One-Liners" by Mennen
45-year-old woman: So I ended up shaving it, and it looks so pretty! It's like I'm ten years old again!
--Houlihans Restaurant
Overheard by: remembers when she was ten years old
Girl on cell: Wait. The dad shaves the son's ass?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Guy in shower to guy in the next: Man, I am never shaving my pubes again.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: traPt
Guy with a bunch of tattoos: The sex was great, but she was psychotic. Every time I shaved she would accuse me of having had oral sex with another woman.
--86th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Alan
British woman on cell: Are you shaving? Your face or your balls?
--13th & Broadway
Overheard by: Just around
You Want Wednesday One-Liners? We Got 'em!
Man handing out New York Post: New York Post! If you're illiterate, only 75 cents! If you only lookin at pictures, 50 cents!
--6th Ave & W 8th St
Overheard by: lady v
Man selling cotton candy: Get your cotton candy here! Cotton candy! I got your all-natural blue fibers of sugar right here! Straight from the blue cotton fields of...Virginia! Cotton candy, here!
--Shea Stadium
Street perfume seller to browser: You like Vera Wang, princess? This is genuine Wang.
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: Weary Communter
Street vendor: Hey, where are you ladies from? (two teenage girls walk by) Oh, that's cool, that's cool, I think I have a friend that lives there!
--7th & 40th
Overheard by: Tiffany
AM New York guy: Sir, would you like a paper this morning? No? No? (shakes head and looks at the ground) I don't care. (pause) It's okay, I don't care.
--145th & St. Nich
Overheard by: sorry charlie
Fake purse salesman: Gucci makes the coochie go woo woo!
--Times Square
The Least-Nasty Wednesday One-Liners We Could Find
Middle aged lady on cell: Lots of people say Dallas is really nice. Lots of nice people, nice weather. What do you have against it?" (pause) That was in '63!
--M79
Party girl to cool guy: Why can't you let me be nice? I'm not nice to anyone.
--77th & York Ave
Overheard by: UES Suit
Flamboyantly gay guy to crowd of girls at Pinkberry: You know, I was just trying to do something nice, and this is how you treat me? Fuck y'all, I'm gonna be the next President. (storms off)
--St. Mark's
Overheard by: scarface
Garbage man to another: Man, Attica is the best prison. High class. That shit is nice!
--81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: eliza
Suit on cell: I wonder what his wife is like. She's probably nice, but rich. You know what I mean.
--2nd Ave & 88th St
Woman on cell: Nice people just can't tell if they're pregnant.
--W Houston & Varick
Overheard by: courtney messer
Wednesday One-Liners Are Pretty Sharp
Conductor: Stand clear of the doors. You are delaying service. (pause, then impatiently) Stand clear of the doors! You are delaying service! (pause) I will come back there and stab you if you do not get out of the doorway.
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Special K
Loud girl: I will stab someone just to prove a point.
--E 187th
Overheard by: Martian
Woman on cell walking little boy: I told you he was an asshole last weekend. (pause) Why did you expect any different? (pause) You ain't gonna stab no nigga. I'm gonna call you "Captain Stab 'em." (laughs) You always saying you gonna stab somebody!
--Manhattan Bridge
Overheard by: Lacy
20-something man: I know...I just couldn't pull out my sword fast enough.
--Canal St
Overheard by: Richard
Actor: Yeah, it's a great part! I play a father who stabs his son...
--M23 Bus
Young suit: Wouldn't it be awesome if, like, right across the street from my apartment we could buy fireworks? ...and swords!
--81st & Broadway
Yo' Mama's So Wednesday, She's a One-Liner!
Sleazy biker, taking a bottle from marathon relief table: My mother always told me I should be bottle-fed.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Uncomfortable volunteer
NYU student on cell, angrily: I was trying to show your mom a good time so I wouldn't have to stick my dick in her again!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: chris k.
Guido on cell: So you fucked the mother *and* the daughter?
--23rd & 3rd
Guy to girl: Anything over 50 is a super milf!
--Chelsea
Teen to friend: Cause I ain't no full-time mama. I'm a part-time mama.
--Church & Chambers
Middle aged hipster with ponytail and gray streaked goatee: I'm a soccer mom!
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Want to Believe
Five-year-old girl in funny voice: I don't wear eyeshadow. I am an alien. I am allowed to be weird.
--Downtown 6 Train, Union Square
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Brunette: So, wait. Are they scientists or large-headed aliens?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Hobo: You may not know this, but I am from another planet. I am also recruiting souls for my army in the underworld. We are four hundred thousand billion strong. Everybody better watch out!
--1 Train
Geeky guy to another: Have you seen the planet he's from? Goddamn!
--N Train
Girl to friend (animated, with hand gestures): I mean, you could actually *see* E.T.'s birth...
--5th Ave & 14th St
Guy, very sure of himself: I would much rather hunt aliens than ghosts, at least that makes sense.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: jessi pfeufer
Wednesday One-Liners Use the Safety Net
Teen girl on cell: What?! His name was "food stamps?"
--Outside W 4th St Train Station
Woman waiting in line for a free iced coffee at Dunkin' Donuts: Daaaayum... It's crowded in here, like at the welfare office!
--Lower Manhattan
Overheard by: Matt
Thug (seeing the line for Dark Knight: Yo, this is longer than the welfare line!
--42nd St AMC Theaters
Overheard by: Angel
Drunk hobo in seriously bright yellow jump suit: Will you marry me? I got food stamps.
--Broadway, Astoria
Guy on cell: What? Yeahhh, her momma's been on welfare so long her food stamps bounced.
--3rd Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: nycpuhlease
20-year-old girl on cell: Yeah, I got the dress, it was like $100. I tried on matching pumas and I'm gonna go back to get those tomorrow. Hold on, I have another call.
(pause) Hello? Let me call you back, I'm on my way to pick up my welfare check.
--M2 Bus
What Day Do We Post Wednesday One-Liners?
Suit to security guard: Which elevator goes next door?
--1 Penn Plaza
Overheard by: Nora
Hot dog vendor: To go?
--Hot Dog Stand, 62nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Chrissy
Woman holding Dunkin Donuts mug to employee: Excuse me, can this mug hold cold drinks as well, or just hot ones?
--Dunkin Donuts, 76th & York
Woman: Crepe cafe? What do they do there? (comes closer) Ohhhh, they make crepes?
--Crepe Cafe Cart, W 50th St
Overheard by: Dianora
20-something girl to friend: What are we even walking for again?
--Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk, Central Park
Laughing, genuinely amazed Columbia underclassman: Isn't it, like, amazing, how we know what is food and what isn't food?
--W 114th Street b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Conductor: Next stop is...where am I?
--Uptown 1 Train
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Big Endowment
Girl: We can't become gay just to fit in at this school!
--NYU
Passer-by: I pay $40k a year for school, and that makes me better than you.
--NYU, Tisch
Overheard by: Dan Lurie
NYU girl at party: My parents are actually really into civil liberties.
--NYU Dorm
NYU chick to friend: I love coke! (passing white lady gives her a strange look) I meant the drink, not the drug, lady! Jeez, I'm a minority student at fucking NYU! You think I can afford a coke habit??
--8th & University
Overheard by: Melissa Perez
Gay NYU student, rolling around on the ground in student lounge: I am obsessed with the ground. I mean, who's going to judge me? There's like six million Asians here and none of them are gay.
--Tisch Hall, NYU
Mother, pushing crying two-year-old in stroller: They're never going to accept you here if you keep screaming!
--NYU Admissions
Overheard by: Sam
One-Liners Are All Wednesday Can Afford
11-year-old girl: Yo mamma's broke cuz she spend all her money on rhinestones and cigarttes!
--Riverside Branch Library
Overheard by: always listening
Polite lady: Go straight down that way and cut through the projects--don't worry, they're mixed income--and you'll see it when you come out on A.
--1st Ave & 5th St.
Overheard by: Mrqs
Old lady waiting for the bathroom: How long do people stay in toilets? Jesus! It's a public toilet! There are all these people from the streets that come in, and they always pee on the floor. Well, that's what happens when you're poor.
--NY Public Library
Overheard by: Avery
Homegirl to friend: So she was like "oh, my name's Diamond. And this is my sister, her name's Ruby. Our daddy named us after stuff he can't afford." I was like, shit, if that was the case, my daddy woulda call us "lights" and "gas."
--Prospect Park
Nerdish teen: What the hell was a warlock doing in a dungeon when he had no money?
--C Train
Overheard by: Andrew
Hershey's Wednesday One-Liners
Drunken guy to stoned guy: I would kiss you, but you might remember.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Lo
Girl: And so he's like, "I kissed you on the mouth last night", and I'm like "oh really? I didn't know."
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: jaytro
Dude on cell: Yeah, bro, leave it to me. I decide to cheat on my wife and I end with some stupid whore who wants to play kissie-face in a fucking Newark parking lot.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: AdHoculi
Cute girl approaches frat boy at bar: I was going to pretend I don't know you, but I do know you, and now I think I want to kiss you. Is that okay?
--Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights
Latina girl on cell: Well, my cousin died two years ago, right, and on the one-year anniversary that's when I kissed him.
--Outside Victoria Fashions, 116th & 3rd
Overheard by: Chuckles
Older German woman with accent: So when she was little she used to take a bunch of sleeping pills and lay on the floor, and she wouldn't get up until someone kissed her! It was so cute!
--1 Train
Overheard by: EthanK
How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?
NYU JAP on phone to mother (enraged): Ugh, mom! No! Wearing seasonally inappropriate outerwear will not make me sweat and lose weight!
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Maeve
Woman in line with friend at Duane Reade, reading can of energy drink: Wait. There's carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when people go on, like, a low carb diet, they don't eat any bread, right? But I still don't understand why there's bread in here. Whatever. It doesn't even taste like bread.
--Duane Reade
10-year-old kid to friend: So you're a year older than me, but you're 20 pounds lighter? That's fucked up.
--Christopher St & Waverly Place
Overheard by: sharknife
Girl: You know how some people are social drinkers? I'm a social eater.
--NYU
Overheard by: ninja z
Asian fashionista: Yeah, I think I'm like a size 12 in boys.
--Conde Nast Building
Overheard by: jackattack
Loud guy on cell: Actually, I can't be bulimic anymore because I have no gag reflex. I've been sucking too much cock.
--34th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Alis
Plus I Need the Answer to a Really Tough Math Problem
Latino cop #1 (directing traffic): Yo, why you stopping that guy? You let all the other people through.
Latino cop #2: Yo, Chinese people do not know how to drive.
--Broadway & Fulton, Brooklyn
But He's All, "I'm Gay, Mom."
Lady who lunches #1: This is his first marriage, he should enjoy it while it lasts. They aren't all gonna be this new.
Lady who lunches #2: True, true...
--Monkey Bar, E 54th St
Overheard by: Jenn-O
Like It Was on Staten Island
Guy: Ugh, it's raining again.
Girl: Well, at least it's not raining shit.
--Outside the Guggenheim
And in the Face, Too
Girl #1 (about girl #2's ex): But would you shoot him?
Girl #2: Yeah. Wellll... Maybe not in the face. I mean, I don't know if I would have the heart to, like, shoot him. At least not in the face. But I would stab him. Definitely I would stab him. No questions asked.
--N Train
Overheard by: Thea Colton
And His Soup Is Overrated.
Girl: The Nazi?
Guy: The Nazi.
Girl: He's not so bad.
--St. Mark's Place
I Was Just Gonna Make a Cunning Little "Shitstorm" Joke
Guy #1: You'd better bring an umbrella tomorrow.
Guy #2: Yeah, it's supposed to rain.
Guy #1: It's supposed to rain?!
--PATH Train, WTC
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
He Once Set Fire to the Living Room After a Particularly Taxing "All-Play"
Guy #1: Dude, don't look behind you.
Guy #2 (looking): Oh great, it's a giant stack of Scene It?, the DVD movie game. I was wondering why I felt like burning this place to the ground.
Guy #2: Fuck that game.
--Borders, Colubus Circle
Po-tay-toe, Po-tah-toe
Guy #1: So in that movie Cloverfield I heard it was a monster.
Guy #2: Yeah, all the blogs say it's a monster. That would be totally funny if it was Britney Spears.
--M15 Bus
I Was Gonna Make a Bra with Those
Man with four traffic cones slung over his shoulder: They took our fuckin' cones, man.
Friend: They what?
Man: I'm taking our fuckin' cones back. They stole our fuckin' cones.
--5th Ave & 13th St
You'd Also Think They Could've Avoided Delays Every Fucking Time It Rains, But...
Girl #1: Oooh, we're above ground! What if a big gust of wind comes along?
Girl #2: I don't think that would be a problem.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess the engineers probably thought about that.
--F Train
Why Construction Workers Wear Hardhats
Construction worker #1 (yelling): We got one big one and two little ones!
Construction worker #2: What? One what?
Construction worker #1: One big one, like your sister!
--Spring St & Crosby St
Why Does This License Say "I.C. Weiner"?
TSA employee at a security checkpoint: Do you have another photo ID? Expired driver licenses are invalid.
Girl carrying tabloid: But what if you, like, don't drive?
TSA employee: You can't use an expired license as identification.
Girl carrying tabloid: Yeah, but what if you didn't drive?
--Kennedy Airport
I've Parlayed It Into a Lucrative Modeling Career
Customer: I love your fries, I'm so addicted.
Cashier: Have you tried anything else on our menu?
Customer: Actually, I'm allergic to chickpeas, so, no.
Cashier: Oh, man, that sucks. Our falafel is so good!
Customer: Yeah...
Cashier: Well, hey, at least you're not allergic to wheat.
Customer: Um...actually...
Cashier: Damn! How do you live like that?
--Taim , West Village
Meet Prince Street's Etiquette Hobo
Little boy in glasses: Excuse me! Do you have big titties?
20-something blonde: What? You shouldn't say stuff like that!
Hobo: Don't you be talkin to ladies like that! She's old enough to be your mama!
--Prince & Elizabeth
Overheard by: kma
With a Minor in the Asstecs
Guy: So wait...what's your major?
Girl to group of friends: Booty poppin' bitches.
--Hunter College
Absence of Biscotti = Deprivation
Guy: You're back on the poverty diet?
Girl: Well, I've had four lattes...
Guy: You're totally on the poverty diet.
--Cafe Esperanto
And You Were Singing "Deutschland, Deutschland, Über Alles"
Old German man: Last night those people were staring at us. All of them, staring!
Old American woman: Yeah, they were. I wonder why.
Old German man: I bet they were German too, I wonder if they could tell I was German.
Old American woman: You were dressed pretty classy.
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Jake
Wait! Is It Going Above 137th Street?
White chick #1: Excuse me, is there an uptown train to 168th at this station?
White chick #2: Yeah, but the subways aren't running above 137th, they've cut the power lines. Take the M4 up Broadway.
White chick #1: Okay, but there is an uptown 1 train at this station, correct?
White chick #2: Yes, but at the moment it's not working. They kicked us off at 137th and told us to take the bus.
White chick #1: So there isn't an uptown train at this station?
White chick #2: (silence, walks away)
--137th & Broadway
Think I Could Pass Off Bulimia As Repeated Exorcisms?
Black girl #1: You look great. You are like wasting away from your fast.
Black girl #2: Thanks! I asked my brother the other day if I continued fasting after Lent ends, would that be considered a diet or just anorexia?
Black girl #3: Oh my god! I always want to do that.
Black girl #2: He said anorexia, but I'm still thinking about it.
--Town Hall, 43rd St
Overheard by: jesus would be so proud
According to the Ancient Law, You Snooze, You Lose
(passengers start closing bus windows because of heavy rain)
Girl #1: That window's still open.
Girl #2 (reaching over sleeping girl and closing it): Oh my god, I feel like I'm her savior.
Girl #1: Uh-huh.
Girl #2: But now it's really hot. Should we open a window?
Girl #1: Fine. (reaches over and opens the window next to the sleeping girl)
Girl #2: You're evil.
Girl #1: Yeah, like you weren't thinking of doing the same exact thing.
--Bronx Science Vallo Bus
"Time Is a Social Construct!" I Scream Frustratedly, While Opening My Gifts
20-something, with bun and cat glasses: I don't cry.
Grrrl friend: Me neither.
Cat glasses: Only when I'm like really angry or frustrated.
Grrrl friend: Yeah.
Cat glasses: I cry like twice a year. Christmas and birthdays.
--44th St & 8th Ave
Whatever, Just Say It Loud
Woman to friends: So he and his...what do you call an 80-year-old girlfriend? His main squeeze?
Man: His chick!
--Broadway & 102nd
Headline by: markle9
Runners-Up:
· "Ashton Just Calls Her Demi" - AL
· "His Barely Living Proof Of Gravity?" - Aditya
· "His Early Bird Special?" - Siobhan
· "His Old Lady? Nah, That's Too Obvious" - BLS Martha
· "I Believe A-Rod Calls Her Madge" - Gross
· "The Cool Kids Would Say "GILF"" - KateNonymous
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Way to Ruin My Train Buzz
Girl #1: But then I saw the l train and I didn't even know where I was, but I was like, "Ooooh, the l train! They sing about that!"
Girl #2: That's Chicago.
--F Train
Which One's the New Yorker?
Ghetto preacher: Everyday I wake up and thank the lord...
White girl: I don't.
--125th & Lexington
Overheard by: Agie Markiewicz
And a Large Trash Bag, If You Have Any
Crazy Italian man to cashier: Fucking asshole! Where's my fucking money, fucking asshole?! You owe me money! She's German!
Cashier: Who?
Crazy Italian man: The German whore owes me $10,000! You'll be finding her body in the basement! That whore better watch out! I'm Italian and I know mafiosi from here to Beverly Hills! ...I'll have a coffee to go...
--Europan Cafe, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: ryan and erin
Alfred the Human Polygraph Had Yet to Learn to Control His Power
Chick: You know, even though I'm 22, every time I go out, when I'm home my mom still waits up for me.
Random guy: No, she doesn't.
--6 Train
Remember When I Ate That Mushroom And Didn't Get an Extra Life?
Guy #1, pantomiming a bowling motion: I scored a 263 on the Wii the other day.
Guy #2: You getting ready for Friday?!
Guy #1: Yeah!
Woman #1 to woman #2: I'm not sure it'll translate.
--Coffee Shop, Park Slope
Why Clifford the Big Red Dog and Lex Luther Need to Be Kept Apart at Cartoon Galas
Guy #1, to friend with shaved head: You look like a penis.
Guy #2: Yeah, well...you have red hair. (mumbling) Freaky ginger child.
--M86 Bus
Many Birds Have Difficulty Adjusting to City Life
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (doors stay open) Pull yourself inside the door and let it close! (still open) Pull your pecker in! (doors close)
--Downtown 2 Train
Overheard by: drew
New Yorkers Are Beginning to Understand How People in Other Countries Feel About Americans
Woman with baby to subway attendant: How do I get to the Empire Trade Center from Canal St?
Friend: Nah, how do we get to where them Twin Towers fell at?
--Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
She Usually Keeps a Blonde Around to Make Herself Look Smarter
Drunk redhead: What's your name again?
Not-so-drunk brunette: It's Autumn.
Drunk redhead: You mean like the month?
--41st St
I Mean, Who'd Want Tuesdays to Be Field Holler Night?
Girl #1: We had to go out and drink tonight, it's Lincoln's birthday! He did so much for us.
Girl #2: Without Lincoln being born we might never have freed the slaves, and if we never freed the slaves we wouldn't have hip-hop music...
Girl #1: And no hip-hop night at home on Tuesdays! We clearly had to go out.
--9th & 27th
New York Will Be Empty Before You Know It
Construction worker #1: My girlfriend is being deported.
Construction worker #2: Why, 'cause she's illegal?
Construction worker #1: No, 'cause she's a fucking whore.
--38th St & 9th Ave
He Did Turn a Crappy Sci-fi Role Into a Lucrative Career
Flyer girl: Macbeth with Patrick Stewart!
Tourist: Is that a magician?
--TKTS
There's That Ivy League Logic
Druggie #1: No. Technically, if you don't have anything on you, they can't arrest you.
Druggie #2: Are you suggesting we smoke naked?
--Columbia University
And We'd Be a Couple of Lost Soles
Stoner preteen #1: I wonder if we could travel to the sun.
Stoner preteen #2: Yeah, dude. I wonder what would happen if we stood on it.
Stoner preteen #1: Our feet would totally burn.
--R Train
Then There's an Orchestral Interlude
Guy: Jimmy wrote a rap.
Girl: Is it good?
Guy: It was... "I'ma fuck her, I'ma fuck her, I'ma fuck her, I'ma fuck her in different ways."
Girl: Oh.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Alex Berger
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