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...Nine
Hobo: Sixty. Sixty, sixty, sixty, sixty!
Fellow passenger: Sixty?
Hobo: No.
--E Train
None Of My Business What Happens in That Part Of the Alphabet
Voter #1: How does this work? Which line do I stand in?
Voter #2: This line is the first half of the alphabet, a through m. That line over there is the second half of the alphabet, n through...whatever.
--Polling Place, Inwood
Overheard by: Jess
The Astoria Poster-Children Were Fired Shortly Thereafter
Young punk #1: Where's the fucking n train? Can we get NRW in this shit... (pause) So my friend was all coked out and fucking this girl in the ass, then he totally lost it and started pissing right in her asshole.
Young punk #2: Woah...did she notice?
Young punk #1: Of course she noticed, he was pissing in her fucking asshole! (train arrives) Oh, sweet, it's the n!
Young punk #2: Yes! Astoria represent!
--Union Square, Waiting for the NRW
And the Host Of "Pimp My Retriever"
Old man talking about his son: He's got eleven girls at a time.
Young guy: What is he...a dog walker?
--Elevator, 9th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Jeremy
But If That's the Way You Roll...
Rollerblading hipster #1: Do you know what the worst part of rollerblading is?
Rollerblading hipster #2: What?
Rollerblading hipster #1: Having to tell your parents you're gay...
--3rd Ave & 14th St
This Is How They Keep Their Marriage Fresh
Hot 20-something blonde: Stop staring at other girls! Do you know how lucky you are to have me? Most men your age would kill to have a girlfriend this hot!
40-something boyfriend: For the last time, you aren't my girlfriend!
Hot 20-something blonde: Oh, don't pull that again. I am so. You don't just get to fuck me in every hole for a year and say I'm not your girlfriend! You are so lucky to have me! You aren't even that rich!
40-something boyfriend: I will pay you $500 to shut the fuck up for the rest of the day.
Hot 20-something girlfriend: Done.
--52nd & 8th
What About Janet Reno Then, Smart Guy?
Student: Yes, but I feel that Robert was a boy while Mr Pontellier was a man.
Professor: Hm, yes, but I'm going to argue that they both had penises and were therefore both men.
--Queens College
She Put the Lime in Her Coconut, and I Drank 'em Both Up
Lesbian: Rachel's dying her hair again, she's going back to redhead. She's so dedicated! Every time she changes her hair color she makes sure she does the whole job, just for me!
Friend: Uh, doesn't one usually do the "whole job" when dying hair?
Lesbian: No, no, I mean she dyes *down there*, you know?
Friend: Ah, right, gotcha. (pause) Uh, wasn't she lime green last month?
--F Train
Their Follow-Up Song: "I'm Addicted to Boobs/ But I Know That They're Tox-ic"
Girl #1, pulling toddler-sized shirt out of diaper bag: Look, it'd take four of these just to cover my tits!
Girl #2, grabbing shirt: Me too!
Both girls in unison, singing to Britney Spears tune: My big ol' boobies, how was I supposed to knooooooow...
--Central Park
Overheard by: jenn
You Can't Wear That Kind Of Silk Ascot and Not Be at Least Bi
Hobo to girl who just gave him a two-dollar bill: Would you look at that, two dollars! Thomas Jefferson is on this bill. He was a queen. That's right, he was a gay old faggot.
(girl walks away very quickly) Do you want to help me and Thomas Jefferson go to Hawaii? That's right! Hawai-iiiiiii!
--13th & 6th
But I Can't Stop 'Til I Can Cut Glass With My Ribs
Ditzy chick: So are you even hungry at all?
Ditzy skinny chick: Not really, no.
Ditzy chick: I can't believe you haven't eaten in nine days!
Ditzy skinny chick (excitedly): I know!! I can't believe some people do this for 30 days, though. I think that's unhealthy.
Ditzy chick: I wish I could've done it with you. It was just a bad week to start, I was too stressed to not eat.
Ditzy skinny chick: It's okay. This is my second try, anyway. I couldn't follow the program the first time either. Although I'm gonna have a hard time on Friday. I have a date. When he takes me to dinner what am I gonna say? "Thank you, but I can't order anything tonight. Can I just have one bite of your pasta?"?
--M101 Bus
Overheard by: Alayne
Weren't We Talking About P.S.-- I Love You?
Boyfriend, holding DVD: Seriously! It's the best movie ever made!
Girlfriend: How can you even say that?
Boyfriend: Hillary Swank won an Oscar!
Girlfriend: Not for her role in Karate Kid 2!
--F Train
Overheard by: smo
Whoa, Breakthrough
6th grader #1: I don't want to go to tennis, I want to stay after school today.
6th grader #2: I can't, I'm going to be out until 7.
6th grader #1: Why?
6th grader #2: I have a social life.
6th grader #1: You don't have a social life; you have a therapist!
--Trevor Day School
As Well As an Official Christian Bale Fan Club Card
Elderly black woman #1: I don't know why Barack Obama didn't pick Condoleezza Rice as his running mate.
Elderly black woman #2: Mmmmm hmmmm.
Elderly black woman #1: I mean, she's got all kindsa honorary doctorates and such.
--2 Train
Overheard by: Frankie
That's Brilliant! Let's Make Out!
Worried girl: I don't know what to do. I just met her, but she texts me non stop. Once I got off the plane, I had a text from her saying: "how's New York?" I didn't respond. It's weird.
Guy: Does she think you're a dyke?
Worried girl: I don't know. I told her my boyfriend and I broke up. I don't know why she'd think that.
Other girl: You should've responded to her text saying something like: "New York is great, I'm just sucking on some guy's dick right now."
--Meatpacking District
K-Fed and Britney's Courtship, in a Nutshell
Guy: So I'm only gonna work like two days a week now.
Girl: And I can be your sugar momma!
--10th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Lotte
Drag Queens Everywhere: "Sacrilege!"
Hobo: You look like Cher.
Hipster chick: Cheeeeeeeeeeer? I don't want to look like Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.
--34th b/w 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Nicole
What the Hell Goes on in Britain?
British boy #1: Can you believe we just spent $116 on t-shirts?
British boy #2: Yeah, we got one in every color!
British boy #1: Yeah, now we can be like those gangs in video stores!
--M&M Store, Times Square
Do You Plan To?
Guy selling CDs: Do you want my CDs?
Girl walking by: No, thank you.
Guy selling CDs: Why? I haven't shot anyone yet.
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Mogan
Or the Step-Sister?
Female bartender: And so, now that she is pregnant she is going to get married.
Male bartender: That's horrible. Is the dad the father?
--45th St & Broadway
A Little Paint and Paper and She'll Be Good As New
College student #1 (in reference to muttering homeless person): She's a crazy lady.
College student #2 (in kind and benevolent voice): She's not a crazy person...she just has craziness.
--Queens Station
Not the Greeting I Was Expecting
Girl #1: Hey, what's up?
Girl #2: I'm gonna kick you in the throat.
Girl: Okay...
--B9
According to Zagat's
Church lady #1: You should try this restaurant I went to last week in Brooklyn.
Church lady #2: Oh, is that in the hood?
Church lady #1: No, it's not quite in the hood, but it's close. It's about two stops from the hood.
--A Train
Overheard by: what's happening to our hood?
Warning: Continuation of This Conversation Could Result in Severe Loss of Tip
Tourist guy: Where are you from?
Female waitress: Sri Lanka.
Tourist guy: Oh, I've always wanted to go to India.
Female waitress: Did you really just say that?
--Times Square Bakery
Overheard by: trey
When I Climax I'll Yell Out, "I Hate Freedom!"
Girl #1: I don't know about you girls, but I'm fucking something tonight.
Girl #2: Don't you have a boyfriend?
Girl #1: Well, he's not around. Fuck this American bullshit. I'm getting laid.
--Fulton & Naussau
Overheard by: prince
The Prelude to This Season's Greatest Love Story
Guy to girl singing softly with her iPod: You are the worst singer ever!
Girl: You are the worst faggot ever!
--Starbucks, Wall St & Broadway
An Impromptu Performance of the Famous Manhattan Jacket Dance
Man to woman, as she stamps on jacket: Hey, yo! My iPod's in there!
Woman, continuing to stamp on jacket: I don't give a fuck!
--8th & Broadway
When I'm Awake, I Drink to Forget the Dreams
Guy #1, leaving: Bye! Sweet dreams.
Girl to guy #2: I hope so, last night I had a really bad dream. What about you?
Guy #2: I had dreams last night. It's my reality that's the problem.
--Hopscotch Cafe
Overheard by: bildita
Don't Bite the Hand That Speeds You
Conductor at subway door yelling at guy in suit: Stop holding the subway door.
Guy in suit: Want to take off your belt and beat me?
--E Train
Overheard by: Fellow Subway Rider
If You Buy Thom Yorke, You Get Stuck With a Radiohead Album
Girl: Dude, good think Thom Yorke is a great musician, because that guy looks like my dog's ass.
Guy: If your dog's ass looks like Thom Yorke, I suggest you put that dog up for sale.
Girl: I would never sell my dog!
Guy: I would sell my dog on eBay in a heartbeat.
Girl: You can't sell animals on eBay.
Guy: I would sell my dog's leash and throw in the dog for free.
--Fordham Ram Van
Overheard by: sromeo
Where Have All the Metrosexuals Gone?
Guy #1: I think I'm going to go to Fortunoff's after work tomorrow to get the ring.
Guy #2: Why don't you just go to that place around the corner? You know, uh... Stephanie's!
Guy #1: You mean Tiffany's?
Guy #2: Yeah! Tiffany's!
--Financial District
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
And Then We'd Totally Have Boobs! Booyah!
20-something guy #1: Dude, that band was awesome!
20-something guy #2: I know! It makes me wish I were a chick, that way I could have that guy's babies.
20-something guy #1: Me too!
--Southpaw, Park Slope
Overheard by: esgeness
Mom Wanted a Girl
Mom, entering subway in Harlem with two-year-old son: Honey, just go sit on the floor.
(son begins to sit, mom laughs) No! Don't do that! I'm just messing with you!
--A Train
Overheard by: adam h.
If Mommy's Meds Hold Out That Long!
Upbeat mom to seven and nine-year-old daughters: And then we'll go to the family garden and then we'll go to the children's garden!
Elder daughter (sighing): And then can we go shopping?
--Botanical Garden
Headline by: sam
Runners-Up:
· "Because We're Almost Out Of Entitlement and Materialism" - Dana Lishs
· "Children Are the REAL Inconvenient Truth..." - Bojo
· "Meet America's Greatest Patriot" - KateNonymous
· "Where We Can Sow Money and Reap Prada" - 1310 (formerly SNA)
· "Why the Hilton Sisters Like Daddy More" - Brittlee
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Your Excitement about This Makes Me Wonder If the Wedding's a Good Idea
Man #1: I'm going to have so many guys in my wedding party, my wife is going to have to put some of them on her side.
Man #2: What? And wear...
Man #3: Exactly! Dudes...dudes with cocks!
--Bathgate Ave & Fordham Rd
Overheard by: Satty
But You Can Help Me Polish My Shoes for the Event
Dirty hipster girl: Can I come to their birthday?
Preppy girl: Well, to be more on the honest side...no.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: alisa
What's Your Secret?
Woman #1: That's a nice necklace. Where did you get it?
Woman #2: Lord & Taylor.
Woman #1: I can't go there anymore since they caught me shoplifting.
--Uptown 4 Train
Wednesday One-Liners Get Physical, Physical
Guy on cell: But baby, it's a full body workout, depending on the position.
--Pratt Campus
Jogger on phone: I gotta stay in shape, you know? I'm not getting any younger. Even though the guys I graduated with look worse than I do.
--Marine Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: wantsoutof_bklyn
Older lady to young male athletic facility employee: Do you have big balls? Exercise balls? I want bigger balls than you have there.
--NYU Palladium Athletic Facility, 140 E 14th St
Overheard by: JohnB
Large smoking man with burrito and Margarita: I can never work out, I'm too drunk all the time!
--Blockheads
Overheard by: how do you live?
Sassy black lady: Daaaamn! You're making me walk all the way to 45th Street?
--42nd St
Large Latina on cell: So I grabbed the baby and said "Kali! She likes this!" and started doing squats.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Russel
Superpoke! Wednesday Has Thrown a One-Liner at You!
Frustrated stylist on computer: How do you spell "Google"?
--Dramatics Hair Salon
Hot Asian woman: She hasn't even posted her face on Facebook!
--88th & 2nd
Overheard by: Sam H.
Teen to friend: My mom still hasn't Facebooked me back about taking care of my dog.
--Bedford Ave
Overheard by: kayt
Sorority girl: Like...oh my god. We should write about ourselves on Juicy Campus and see what other people say.
--Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: Angela
Middle-aged janitor: You've got to try that internet! It has everything!
--MoMA
Overheard by: Cristina
Country Mouse, Wednesday One-Liner Mouse
Very happy male suit wearing slippers, shuffling down to the subway: If you can wear slippers in New York, you can wear slippers anywhere.
--2 Train
Overheard by: Lara
Suit on cell: I'm so glad to be in New York, where everyone is so mellow and everyone talks American.
--DiFara Pizzeria
Guy to date: That's what I love about New York--people wear different outfits.
--Outside Deluxe, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Dad to preteen daughter: See, I really don't have issues with citizens not from New York city.
--Forest Hills
Overheard by: depends on citizens
Woman on cell: I'm in New York, where Sesame Street lives.
--52nd & 7th
Overheard by: AEVRed
Southern lady on cell: I have to say I'm disappointed. I thought the Wal-Mart in New York would be amazing. Ya'll don't even have a Wal-Mart.
--Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
America's First Black Wednesday One-Liners
Tranny heading toward Halloween parade, seeing Sarah Palin costume: Oh my god! That's the lady President, right? The assistant President!
--W 4th St Subway Station
(muslim hot dog vendor bows down to pray at 5 pm)
Child in stroller: Look! Look! Mommy! Barack Obama!
--W 60th & Columbus
Overheard by: Brian
Thug, to hot girl passing by: Hey! Yo, girl, excuse me! (she keeps walking) So, you're voting for McCain, then?
--60th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Alex A.
Little girl: I want to vote for Obama...because he's the first black person to run against Bush.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Dana
Sidewalk watch vendor: These are the watches Obama wore before he became Senator!
--33rd St & Broadway
Overheard by: crosstown girl
Little black girl trick-or-treating with family: Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? Obama! Obama!
--Pacific St & Nostrand
Overheard by: Obama Now!
Dirty, Sexy Wednesday One-Liners
Young gay guy in Daisy Dukes, shades and tank top, yammering away on cell: Is it totally acceptable to have sex on the beach there?
--43rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Anna Rose
Teen boy to friend: If I were a giant I'd fuck the Statue of Liberty!
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Henry
Chick to friend: As soon as I get over this yeast infection, I'm gonna bang the shit out of him.
--McDonald's, Times Square
Overheard by: Keep It Movin'
Black guy on cell: Penetration?! Penetration?! It ain't about penetration, it's all about sensation.
--E 4th St
Overheard by: girl named sugar
Drunk man to drunk woman, while making out against a car: Let's just go with it...let's just fuck on top of the car.
--Bleecker & Macdougal
Girl to the guy at the next table: Haven't I slept with you before?
--Stabrucks, 78th & Lexington
Overheard by: Ashlee
Wednesday One-Loiners
Drunk jock: She left cuz she said she was hungry. Well, I'll put that fuckin' falafel on my dick!
--LaGuardia & W 4th
Overheard by: Not drunk
College guy to no one in particular: She was trying to suck my dick! ...so I slapped her with it!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Kate V.
Woman to man: See, I don't have a dick, I have a pussy, but I told him to suck my dick.
--South Park Slope
Drunk guy outside subway entrance: Racism can go suck a dick! I don't care who you are, if you're racist, I. Will. Fight. You.
--Central Park Entrance
Overheard by: HAIR-y
Woman to another: I never had to dress up my vagina to get a dick. An old man would have had me pinned against a wall in a second.
--Century 21 Store
Girl on cell: Yeah, well, you know what his defense was? (pause) Yeah, he tried to tell the judge he couldn't have done it because his dick was too huge. (pause) I know! And it gets better! He wanted to make a plaster of Paris mold of his dick to prove it was too big! (pause) Oh, I'm serious. (pause) Yeah, no...I don't know what he was going to do with the mold of his dick. Maybe he was gonna submit it as Exhibit A or something, and shove it up in her to prove his point.
--Penn Station
Wednesday One-Liners Put Their Jammies on
Intoxicated girl to another: So, I went into Sleepy's the other day... Apparently, you're not allowed to sleep in there.
--Belle Harbor, Queens
Overheard by: redxdress
Woman coming out of bathroom stall (yawning and stretching): Wow, I just had the most amazing nap!
--Madison Ave
Overheard by: I<3Auditors
Girl to friends: I slept over at Natalie's, and I was really drunk and had taken sleeping pills...
--Staten Island Ferry
Salesgirl to no one in particular: I had the best dream about Aids last night...
--Beacon's Closet, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Joe Roumeliotis
Man on phone: Man, sometimes when I be wakin' up, my body be like "Alright, let's do this!" Then a few minutes later it be like: "Naaaah, fuck it!"
--Union Square
Overheard by: Stepheb
Father to five-year-old son as man in gladiator costume walks by the day after Halloween: That man had a sleepover last night.
--23rd & 3rd
Overheard by: We were all thinking it
Fast Times at Wednesday One-Liners
Teacher: My father always told me, "Never run away from a fight. If the guy's bigger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, 'cause this dude's gonna kill you!"
--Stuyvesant High School
Teacher: Okay. Emergency procedures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Goober
Chinese teacher (referring to Sichuan earthquake): They had a saying after the earthquake happened that originates from a male part. "People are supposed to rise up, and get hard!" ...and be strong.
--Bard High School Early College
Math teacher: Give me your little men!
--Spence School
English teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teaching grammar in 90-degree weather. (student is silent) I'm not going to hit you.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Wednesday One-Liners, the Notorious W.O.L.
Ghetto guy on cell: And then he asked me if he was gonna go to heaven and I said, "You ain't going to heaven, you are going to thug mansion!"
--125th St & Amsterdam
Thugette to thug: I killed him because he was bothering me.
--Broadway & 20th St
Overheard by: Robert G
Pretty thug in white polo (very loudly): Yo, I need to get a scale to weigh some drugs.
--Ditmars & 25th, Astoria
Thug to friend: You can't pull off the lumberjack look. You ain't the fuckin Brawny man!
--Jamba Juice, Times Square
Big thug on cell (angrily): All I'm saying is you'd *better* get your master's degree, or else!
--40th & 8th
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday Undie-Liners
College girl on cell: So as of last weekend I've pledged to be celibate for a year...although on second thought, it should really start today. I got pretty trashed last night and this morning I couldn't find the underwear I was wearing yesterday.
--Church St
Overheard by: Emma
20-something woman: Did you enjoy the bra fitting? Old lady grab your bits?
--Outside Town Shop
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Elderly woman examining bras: What's with all this padding? I got my own damn titties!
--H&M, 5th Ave
Overheard by: titti-less
Eight-year-old in a suit jacket on cell, strutting around the store: Did you see any hot, sexy girls? Yeah, but were they hot and sexy? Where are you, man? Are you still in the underwear aisle? Yeah, but are you still by the panties? (louder) The panties!
--Barnes & Noble, Tribeca
Overheard by: emdeebee
Trashy girl walking funny: Well, I guess I should have worn underwear.
--Arthur Ave
Wednesday One-Liners' Amazing Urban Adventure
Tourist, before getting into purse-filled van: Aw shit, what did I just say? I said I was not getting into any strange vans today.
--Canal & Lafayette
Pseudo-knowledgeable tourist: It's so strange that they have turnstiles that go both ways, you know, ones that let you go in and out in the same turnstile. Every other subway station I've been in in New York has ones for entering and different ones for exiting.
--5th Ave E Station
Overheard by: Colleen
French tourist (with American accent) to French friends: Stand clear of the closing doors, please. (French tourists bust up laughing)
--1 Train
Overheard by: kdub
30-something female tourist heading to subway: I prefer the Sex and the City version of New York.
--Union Square
Overheard by: E-Love
Old woman tourist: Geez, you'd think they'd be a little more optimistic at the United Nations.
--United Nations
Teenage British boy tourist to the rest of his family, as they pass a souvenir shop: Oh! This must be where Tim got that "I heart New York" shirt! (whole family excitedly goes into the store)
--Fulton St
Wednesday One-Liners Go Bump in the Night
College girl looking for a costume: I want to be a bumblebee--but not a slutty bumblebee!
--Ricky's, Near Columbia
Overheard by: M
Suit on cell: Just put a paper bag over your head and you can be that guy! You're the paper bag guy!
--Sheepshead Bay Road (on Halloween)
Young child to mother, after walking by a large group of people in zombie make-up: Mommy, that homeless man said he wanted to eat brains!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Blair
Girl in Supergirl costume, yelling on cell: I'm so sick of walking. (pause) I said I'm fucking sick of walking! (pause) I'm just dressed like Supergirl, you asshole, I can't *actually* fly!
--E 20th, Stuyvesant Town
Loud young Latina on Halloween: I wanted to be a hooker today, but I couldn't afford the costume.
--Troutman & Knickerbocker, Bushwick
Girl to another (dressed as Wilma Flintstone the morning after Halloween): Man, the Halloween walk of shame is the worst!
--33rd & 3rd
You're a Good Friend, Al
Guy #1: God, I'm tired.
Guy #2: Do you want me to punch you in the head or something?
--6th & Martin
Perhaps We Should've Walked Across Harlem Instead?
Bus conductor: Next stop, Atlantic City.
Passengers: Huh?!
Bus conductor: Ah! I mean Amsterdam Avenue!
Passenger #1: Hmmmm, are we safe on this bus?
--M4 Bus
As Close As Two New Yorkers Can Get, I Suppose
Girl #1: So you know how New York buses have two doors, a front and a back? Well, I was running to catch the bus this morning and I got up to the back door and the bus drove away.
Girl #2: Harsh.
Girl #1: I couldn't believe it. And it was the same driver I ride with every morning. I thought we were close.
Girl #2: Apparently not.
--Broadway & 44th
Would Someone Call Her a Bitch Already?
Drunk girl on cell: What? Did you just call me a bitch?
Drunk guy five rows behind her: She called you a bitch? Kick her ass!
Drunk girl on cell : That's like...psychologically impossible.
Businessman next to her: Physically.
Drunk girl on cell to business man: Did you just call me a bitch?
--LIRR
Overheard by: Ross
Moral Of the Story: Next Time Offer Beads
Ghetto bum to Asian: Yo man, let me get yo seat.
Asian guy (calmly): Do I look Native American to you? You can't just come and take shit from me.
Bum: Oh, sorry about that! (he asks person next to him and gets a seat)
--2 Train
Overheard by: Seizure
At Least I Wore My Pearls
Suit: Dan, I said you were supposed to dress up for the bake sale.
Dan: I'll let you know that I only have two genres of clothing in my closet: Shorts and t-shirts...and a priest costume. And the priest costume is a dress!
--Fordham University
Overheard by: sromeo
I Get All My Information from Passing Strangers
Husband to wife: I can't tell if this is a circus or a zoo.
Random gay passerby: Oh my god! It's a zoo!
Wife to husband: Well, I guess that clears that up.
--The Armory Show, Pier 94
Oh God-- More Categories?
Black guy #1: Nigga, fuck you! I'm straight.
Black guy #2: Nigga...you're straight gay.
--Roosevelt Ave Station
Overheard by: just straight
Those Wacky Nuns
Male tourist: Supposedly they are trying to change their image.
Woman tourist: To what? Less slutty?
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Alyx
Then We Ate Pizza and Candy and Watched Movies on Our Big-Screen TVs
Thug #1, about classes taken in juvenile detention: I took nutrition. It was good, because I want to be in nursing, and it's like...wellness.
Thug #2: Yeah, well, I took culinary. It was sweet, cuz we like, made lemonade and shit.
--Penn Station
NewsFlash: Subway Fare Increases Drive Many to Desperation
20-something Asian girl: She's a freak. She's made out with a 65-year-old Chinese man.
20-something Dutch girl: Maybe he looked 40 then.
20-something Asian girl: He's still 65.
20-something Dutch girl: Hey, age ain't nothing but a number!
20-something Asian girl: What?!
20-something Dutch girl: No, actually that is not okay. He even has a special Metrocard so he can ride the subway for a discount.
--11th & Ave C
Overheard by: CM
Thank God My People Have Never Had to Face Discrimination Like That
Queer to friend: What sign are you?
Friend: Leo.
Queer: Oh, good. I decided that I am going to base what I think of people based on their astrological signs, and I hate Geminis. Like, if I adopt a baby and it's a Gemini I'm going to give it back!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: poor kid
Smart Money Says She's Not the First Child
Little girl (holding stomach and hunched over in pain): Owwww, my belly!
Dad, calmly: Now, Rebeca, don't be overdramatic. You are very fine.
--Central Park Zoo
Then My Mom Woke Me Up
Security guard #1: Yo, I be the first nigga to have a PS3 up in the projects, yo.
Security guard #2: Last night my girl was blowing me while I was playing PSP. She be like, "slurp, slurp." I was like, "yeah, get that. Get that."
--E 34th St
Overheard by: Chris the engineer
So I'm Good 'til the Year 3000
Black woman #1: When is the silicon going to dry?
Black woman #2: It's in bags. In my boobs. Dumb bitch.
--2 Train
Overheard by: Lacy
When I Was a Babia, I Saw My Mama's Labia
(tipsy older couple staggers out of book party)
Lady: What was it you said before that was so funny?
Craggy geezer: "When I was teeny I saw my papa's weenie."
Lady: I love it!
--Mercer St
The Mailman?
JAP #1: Oh my gosh. Have you seen her lately?
JAP #2: No... Why?
JAP #1: She got fat!
JAP #2: Oh my god, but she moved to Westchester.
JAP #1: I know. I mean, what else is there to do there?
--Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: jappygirl#3
Curiosity Kills Desire in the Insecure
Hipster girl: Why is the sky blue?
Boy: I don't know. Let's never kiss again.
--Times Square
Overheard by: holding sushi.
Grandpa's Been Acting Weird Since He Got Feathered Bangs
Little boy: Grandpa, how are we going to get home?
Grandpa: (flaps his arms like he is a flying bird)
--6 Train
Overheard by: Meg.
Speaking Of Train Wrecks?
Conductor (for the fifth time): You must be in one of the first five cars to get out at South Ferry. You must be in one of the first five cars.
Black chick: We heard you the first ten damn times!
Crazy guy: You don't control the subway, Houston controls the subway!
Black chick: I don't know what you be sayin' but we speak English here in America.
Crazy guy: You don't control the subway, Houston controls the subway! ...do you like Whitney Houston?
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Trey C.
Then What's That Kit-Kat Jingle About?
Child (walking up stairs out of subway station): Can I take a break? Let's take a break here.
Mother: No.
Child: But my legs hurt, I need to take a break.
Mother: There are no breaks in life.
--Lorimer St. L Station
They Make Coffee-Flavored Condoms, Right?
Husband: I can't fucking believe you fell asleep while I was making love to you.
Wife: Yeah, well maybe if your dick was bigger, I would be more inclined to stay up!
(pause)
Husband: Maybe we should get a divorce.
Wife: Why? So you can bore some hot 20-something into falling asleep on your dick?
--In line, MOMA
Headline by: Baby
Runners-Up:
· "Cathy Once Again Uses Her Overwhelming Logic to Get Out Of Divorce" - Erica
· "Isn't That What Roofies Are For?" - KJM
· "Narcolepsy Destroys Families." - KJM
· "She Called It His "Snooze Button"" - Taylor-Like-Woah
· "The One Conversation That Every Married Couple Has Had at Least Once" - I know I have
· "This Performance Art Piece Will Be Here All Week" - TV
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
NewsFlash: Art Student Slutty. Film at 11
Guy: Stop staring at me.
Girl: I'm not staring at you. What, I'm not allowed to look at you now?
Guy: Not like that. You have bedroom eyes.
Girl: Bedroom eyes? I don't have bedroom eyes. That's the way I normally look, you know that.
Guy: Yeah, because you're everyone's girl.
Girl: Shut up, no I'm not! Whatever, at least I get laid.
--Elevator, Pratt Institute
Overheard by: that girl
New Yorker Rule #293: Never Try to Reason with a Disgruntled Yankee Fan
Disgruntled Yankee fan #1: Tigers suck!
Disgruntled Yankee fan #2: They just beat us, asshole.
--Outside Yankee Stadium, after 6-2 Loss to Detroit
Overheard by: Jake Elwell
That Would Just Be Childish
Girl: Well, if there's going to be another girl, there has to be another guy too.
Guy: Hell no! Ain't no other dude putting his sausage in your jay-jay!
--E Train
...When Did I Have Peas?
Young woman, after vomiting all over the train: I'm fine.
Young man: You're not fine, you just threw up!
Young woman: Well, I'm fine now.
--Q Train
Overheard by: MPW
Then Why's That Guy Sashaying?
Concerned girl crossing street: But the light says "Don't walk"!
Amused friend: Right...so we run!
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: I was sauntering, personally
And Has Better Legs Than I Do!
Woman: Is angel a boy or a girl?
Teenager: Angel's a boy, mom.
Woman: But he sounds like a girl!
--Nederlander Theatre
Except When I Went on That Drug Run
(after 20 minute discussion)
Kindergartener: What are we talking about?
Kindergarten teacher: Where have you been all day?
Kindergartener (shrugging) school.
--Public School
Plus I Ate a Latke Once.
Dominican #1: But I'm a Jew, man!
Dominican #2: You're a Jew?
Dominican #1: Shit yeah.
Dominican #2: Man, I didn't know there was any Jewish Dominicans.
Dominican #1: Not that kind of Jew. You ever met a Dominican Jew? Dominicans aren't Jews! I just feel Jewish, man. My whole life I've been feelin' Jewish like that. You know, like if there's a penny on the street I pick it up!
--168th St Subway
That Was the Night I Became a Man
Guy #1: Getting old is not cool, man. I walked in on my mom in the shower once, it was gross...her boobs go down to her fucking knees.
Guy #2: No, they don't.
Guy #1: Yeah, what the fuck do you know?
(pause)
Guy #2: So, remember that party where she got drunk and smoked that salvia?
--14th St
I Liked the Part Where It Said "S E X" in the Sky
Teen #1: Yo, scar's a thug...
Teen #2: But he didn't even kill him! He pushed him off a motherfuckin' cliff!
Teen #1: And then he got trampled by some...wilda'beast or some shit.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
Church Avenue? Figures
Woman: God loves us all. It doesn't matter if you have a lot of money or where you come from. It's time for you to give yourself to him. Believe in god!
Man #1: Hey! Get off the PCP!
Man #2: Lady, shut the fuck up! Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Woman: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. (leaves)
--F Line, Church Ave Stop
Overheard by: carrieb
I'm Good, Thanks
Hobo to cashier: Hey, Mike, are you a junkie?
Cashier: No.
Hobo: Would you like to be?
--Love Saves the Day, 7th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Caelster
So Could You Mop the Amniotic Fluid Off the Floor or What?
Managerial-looking guy in suit in lobby of movie theater: So let me get this straight. Your pregnant wife left in the middle of the movie, but you're still here.
Husband: Yeah, but I gave her cab fare.
--84th & Broadway
Lindsay Lohan Was Always Quite the Handful
Kid to dad: Order a Margarita so I can have some.
Dad to kid: I don't drink alcohol and you are nine years old!
--Bar, Montegue Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: hungry law student
Just Like the Old Song Goes
Guy #1: I was totally eyefucking her.
Guy #2: Yeah, you were eyefucking her from here to Puerto Rico.
Guy #1: Yeah, I was.
--6th Ave & 56th St
Overheard by: Chloe
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