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Same Reason You're Allowed to Watch Bring It On! and I'm Not
Hipster girl to smoking boyfriend: You shouldn't smoke. Smoking's bad for you.
Boyfriend: You smoke.
Hipster girl: Yeah, but I'm a film major and you're pre-med.
--NYU
Overheard by: good point?
And I Only Punched Her Lightly
Guy #1: I don't know what happened! She bought me a drink and then all of a sudden her friend tells me off!
Guy #2: What did you say?
Guy #1: Well I kinda told her she was socially inept.
Guy #2: Did you actually say that?
Guy #1: No, I said she was retarded.
--32nd & 5th
Overheard by: Amused
But I Didn't Even Get to Describe the Size and Texture
College guy #1: I've been working hard to lose weight this year.
College guy #2: I can certainly see the change in your face.
College guy #1: Yeah, I've been crapping a lot lately.
(college guy #2 is silent)
College guy #1: I mean I've been dumping a whole lot.
College guy #2: Okay, that's enough.
--Gym, Columbia University
If the Chosen Can't Be Choosy, Who Can?
Upper West Side woman #1: I keep kosher.
Upper West Side woman #2: What about the pork chop and the shrimp?
Upper West Side woman #1: Except for that. And bacon, too.
--Lincoln Towers
From The Princess and the Porcupine: a West Villlage Fairy Tale
Girl with crazy hair: It would be freaking magnificent if your cats stopped chowing down my precious toilet paper every morning.
Huge bald man: What are you, drunk? I paid for it.
Girl with crazy hair: Not important. Had to use the emergency roll and it was like rubbing porcupines on my twat.
Huge bald man: Sandpaper, maybe. Porcupines, not so much.
--Washington St & Charles St
Yet When We Go to Your Country and Say "But We're American!"...
Toy soldier guarding FAO Schwarz: The store is now closed. No exceptions.
Man wearing pants that could only be European: But meester, we are from eetaly!
--FAO Schwarz
Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com
Sometimes We Feel Bad for Mocking Canadians... And Sometimes Not
Chinese-Canadian girl: Where are we going next?
Mom: Chinatown.
Girl: I thought Chinatown was in Canada...?
--Empire State Building
NYPD Booked Them Posthumously
Tourist father to family, crossing mid-block: Okay, this is our first jaywalk!
Little kid: I'm so excited!
--45th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Linda Stein
Jon Stewart: "As Smart As I"
Skater #1: A Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart ticket would totally win the presidency, on popularity alone.
Skater #2: Jon Stewart is really smart... He's like as smart as...he's as smart as me.
--N Train
From the Circus-Folk Version of Our Bodies, Ourselves
Cute 18-year-old girl, looking in a mirror: I can't believe I still have this pimple on my chin.
Older sister: Let me see. Geez, I think it's getting bigger.
Metrosexual brother: That's because she shaves her beard with the razor I use for my ass.
--Upper West Side
What About Eskimo Jesus?
Boyfriend: Look at that little kid, it looks like he's walking on water.
Girlfriend: He's Jesus.
Boyfriend: I never knew Jesus was a mulatto.
Girlfriend: No, he was Indian, didn't you know? (pause) An American Indian.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: eavesdropper
You Should See Me Heal the Lepers
Train engineer #1, after train comes to a halt: Uh, I think we might have a problem.
Train engineer #2: Aw, not again...
Train engineer #1: Wait...hold on. Oh, there we go.
(train starts running again)
Train engineer #2: Ah! Such magical fingers you have...
--Metro-North Train
Overheard by: Eve
If We'll All Burn in Hell Anyway, Why Are You Preaching?
Jesus freak on subway: We are all sinners. We commit sins everyday. We will all burn in hell.
Woman next to him: I don't feel that way.
Jesus freak: Oh yeah? What do you do?
Woman: I am a doctor.
Jesus freak: Hah! You murder people everyday!
--1 Train
Even Better!
Tourist #1: Hey look, that's Carnegie Hall!
Tourist #2: Not it isn't. The sign says "Carnegie Deli."
--54th & 7th
We Were Rooting for You Right Until the End, Lady
Large ghetto lady: Astro place?
Thug: Yeah, Astro place.
Large ghetto lady: Motherfucka, can you read?!
Thug: It's Astro place, it should definitely be Astro place.
Large ghetto lady: It's Astor place, ain't no Astro place.
Thug: Like, do you throw asses at it and shit?
Large ghetto lady: Asto-o-o-o-r-r-r place (laughs condescendingly for at least a minute) Yo, I got arrested at Astor place.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Sad to say, I got off at the same stop.
With "Name That Classical Composer" As a Close Third
Drunk guy, loudly: Let's go! Let's go and drink and play drinking games!
Comparatively sober girlfriend: Shhhh, honey.
Drunk guy, even more loudly: Oh, who's in my mouth? That's my second favorite game. After Rock Band.
--Elevator, 15th & 7th
Overheard by: Whatever Happened to Scrabble?
When a Man Puts Aside His Fake ID
Conductor #1: Now arriving on track 21, track 21, folks. Track 21.
Conductor #2: Ahhh, 21...the age of love!
--Metro North
Play Safe Out There, Dear Reader
Girl: We were really drunk and didn't use a condom the other night.
Friend: It happens.
Girl: Afterward, he joked that I should get tested.
Friend: Hahaha, really?
Girl: We both laughed, it was funny...then he said, "no, seriously."
--Williamsburg
Right Between My Broccoli Florets
Girl #1, smoking: She was such a lesbian. She made vegetable lasagna. Vegetable lasagna!
Girl #2, in disbelief: Wait--so her culinary choices dictate her sexuality?
Girl #1: Well, then she fingered me.
--Zombie Hut, Smith St
Overheard by: double d
That, and the Bagels
Girl #1: Why does it seem like everyone in California gets married so young?
Girl #2: Because they're all hippie and happy and love each other and stuff... That's why we moved to New York.
--Lafayette & Houston
I'll Be Gentle This Time
Weird-looking teen: It's Turkish turnip time again!
Friend: Word.
--79th & 3rd
Overheard by: wallflowerblonde
Are You Discriminating Against It Based on Color?
5-year-old wasp boy, watching black Ferrari: Wow! (points)
Wasp father: You will never have one of those. That's a trashy car.
--Madison Ave & 70th
Overheard by: Alex and Allyson
You Want a Good Relationship With the Sire of Your Illegitimate Children
Black woman: So he wanted to get married, so I can help him out, and I was all for it, cuz I've know him since I was fifteen, and we're cool like that.
Indian woman: Well, do it then.
Black woman: But then he said he wanted more like a real wife...I can't be anyone's wife, I got me two kids and my baby's daddy might not like it.
Indian woman: Uhhh. Well, then know what you're doing.
--M4 Downtown
Overheard by: Amanda
Or He Wouldn't Inflict Believers on Us
Girl #1: Oh my god! God really hates us atheists.
Girl #2: Yeah, word.
--63rd Drive
I Got Thrown Going Around a Curve
College bro-dude #1: Man, I really fucked up my arm.
College bro-dude #2: Yeah. You need to get an x-ray.
College bro-dude #1: Man, I knew I shouldn't have fucked a fat chick.
--Clark St, Brooklyn
Calvin Coolidge Did Something Similar, But It Turned Out He Just Had Crabs
Black girl #1: I'm only tuning in tonight in the hope Obama accepts the oath of office with a "sho nuff," then crotch walks down Pennsylvania Avenue.
Black girl #2: Girl, you did not just say that.
Black girl #1: I did.
--5th Ave
I Don't See Either of Us Drinking Less and Joining a Gym
Chubby girl #1: See the girl in this James Bond poster? If my face got a little skinnier, that haircut would look hot on me.
Chubby girl #2: I'm not sure your face will ever be that skinny again...
--E Train
Then He Wiped His Butt on It and Crotch-Walked Down the Street
American history professor: One of the Southern patriots even drafted a proposal to free several hundred slaves and form an army regiment with them in the revolution.
Student: Did it happen?
American history professor: Well he handed it in, but Washington took one look at it and was like "psssssssh, fuck no!"
--Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: kiss martha with that mouth?
This Milk-Carton Birdhouse Won't Paint Itself!
Girl: Hey, are you going to the Anarchy Club meeting at 5 pm today?
Boy: I'd love to plan a revolution but I have a lot of work to do.
--Butler Library, Columbia University
I Was Just Trying to Pee in It
Woman: But you farted in the hole!
Man: My bad, my bad, my bad!
--Union Square
Stand Clear Of the Closing Gryffindors, Please.
Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the Hogwarts Express. This is platform 9 3/4, and we will be leaving shortly for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Preteen holding Harry Potter book, to suit holding Harry Potter book: Oh my god! I knew they would come for me!
Suit holding Harry Potter book, to himself: I did too.
--C Train
When Harry Went Smelly?
Boyfriend: Yeah, I fart in front of you all the time.
Girlfriend: Oh my god! Do you really? I never hear it!
Boyfriend: Oh yeah, I fart constantly. I just hold them in in front of you to be respectful.
Girlfriend: Awwww that's so sweet!
Boyfriend: Yeah, it's like a love story.
--Staten Island Ferry
Even Better Than Vagemite
Drunk chick #1: I got sandwiches! This one has turkey and Grenada cheese.
Drunk chick #2: Did you just say "vagina cheese"?
Drunk chick #1: No, *Grenada* cheese.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
"Heterosexuality" - New to the PSP
Guy #1: Oh my god, dude!
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: I just lost the game.
Guy #2: Faggot!
--Hudson & Leroy
Overheard by: Jason Smith
Headline by: David S
Runners-Up:
· "After Every Game in the Detroit Lions Locker Room" - PeterG
· "It's All in the Wrist." - Coyoty
· "Thanks Overheard, Now We've All Lost! Http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(mind_game)" - Jen
· "This Is the Last Time Bob Played Homo / No Homo" - BabakganoosH
· "Well, the Game WAS "Only Hit on the Girls"..." - Punzie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Ooo, I Think Rory Had to Read That, on Gilmore Girls.
Male student #1: I think you guys should start hanging out more, just so he can write about you in his creative writing class. You could be inspiration for his novel. Like his own Neal Cassady.
Male student #2: Who?
Male student #1: As in Dean Moriarty?
Male student #2: From Gilmore Girls?
Male student #1: From On the Road?
--Outside The Met
Overheard by: Alex
Is There a "Ctrl Z"?
(teen #1 presses the 26th floor button. Teen #2 presses 21-25th floors for fun)
Teen #1: Dude, what the hell did you do that for?! You're an idiot, I hope you fall off my roof and die!
(pause)
Teen #3, seriously: Can we unpress it?
--Elevator, Bay Ridge
Camel Toe Maybe
(two girls walk by, dressed as Peter Pan and Tinkerbell)
Gay boy: Aww, she's so cute, that little fairy!
Flaming gay boy: (gives gay boy a look)
Gay boy: What?
Flaming gay boy: Fairies have bods. All fairies.
Gay boy (laughing): She wasn't that big.
Flaming gay boy: Bitch, fairies do not have rolls!
--LIRR
What Is It About a Wednesday One-Liner in Uniform?
Security guard to another: I know it's habitual to act retarded.
--Time Warner Security Check
Overheard by: spandangle
Security guard: The door's that way, people. I know that when you see a door you want to go through it--it's human nature.
--Crown Plaza Hotel, Times Square
Overheard by: GJL
Female security guard: What does my sexual genitalia have to do with it?
--Brooklyn Library
Little boy: Mommy, mommy, look! They've got security guards! Must be a rich people place.
--86th & Brooklyn
Security guard, after metal detector beeps: Ma'am, would you please remove your wooden bracelet and walk back through the metal detector again?
--Liberty Island
Overheard by: heather linford
Crazy security guard: I have so much gas. I'm going to take all my gas and send it to Iraq and end the war. (gets distracted by a girl walking past with an ice cream cone) Hey, you're stomach's gonna freeze!
--NYU Dorm
Overheard by: Honest Truth
Wednesday One-Liners Are Bringin' Sexy Barack
Security guy to suit: Why do you all feel like congratulating me for his win? Just cause I'm black doesn't mean I should be congratulated. Why do you keep doing that? What the fuck did I do?
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: pop pop
little boy to father: When are the bad people leaving the White House so Obama can be President?
--Grocery Store, 71st & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Rena
FedEx guy to shipping clerk: Obama's gonna go uptown and say, "that's right, niggas, I'z here!"
--W 26th & 6th Ave
Angry black woman on cell: Excuse me! Obama is our President now and I won't be calling you "massa" anymore. You understand?
--Worth & Broadway
Middle-aged black man sitting at bus stop: Not "yo mama," not "Osama," "Obama!" They should paint the White House black. No...that would be irresponsible. Maybe caramel.
--125th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Nicole
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I want to wish you all a dry, cozy, Obama weekend. Now could you please spare some change for a hungry man? (young black man gives him change) Now that is an Obama voter. (looks around at white people) I will also accept change from McCain voters.
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Steph
Guy on phone, announcing to the bar: My baby can say "Obama"!
--Lucky Jack's, Orchard St
Overheard by: Karin
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to friend: I can't believe you broke a nail on your own ass hair!
--Church & Chambers
Three-year-old boy to another: I like you but I don't like your baby because your baby grabbed my hair.
--Central Park, Great Lawn
Girl: Oh, I'm so glad this is all working out. (gets up and sees her reflection) Fuck! Why didn't you tell me my hair looked like a dead beaver?
--Prince St Cafe
Overheard by: It DID
Black woman to infant held by her mother: Where did you get all of that hair? I want some of that hair. (pats her head) This ain't my hair, I could really use yours.
--Harlem Polling Station
Overheard by: Joe
Girl yelling into cell: He's not even hairy!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Well then why do they call him that?
Chick: I thought we were made for each other, but he's too bearded.
--113th St
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Wednesday One-Liners, If You Know What I Mean
Woman to security guard: Excuse me, did you see a man with a really large package? I'm looking for a man with a large package. Did he come by yet?
--51st St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Rob
LIRR worker, yelling over tracks to another who is carrying huge bolt fastener: Hey! Nice nuts!
--Woodside Station
Overheard by: Jobee
Lab instructor, showing students how to breathe carbon dioxide by blowing into the test tube through a straw: Don't blow too hard, or else the whole thing will come up all over your face.
--Biology Lab, Hunter College
Overheard by: did anyone else catch that?
Very old woman to decorative hardware salesman: It's become such a problem--I just can't seem to keep my knobs tight anymore!
--Gracious Home, 67th St & Broadway
Mother waiting for kid in the bathroom: Billy, will you stop singing and just come?
--Waiting Room, Grand Central
Wednesday One-Liners Click "It's Complicated"
Man on cell: Listen, you are just not going to meet a young woman who doesn't have a MySpace page, isn't religious, and doesn't want children.
--46th St & 5th St
30-something to friend: Why is it people from the Midwest always ask if you've tried speed dating? It is like the first thing they think of when they hear about a single woman in New York--she must not have tried speed dating yet.
--1st St & 2nd Ave
Girl on cell: I mean, he basically acts like we're living together. But I don't know, like, I almost called him last night and asked, "are we even dating?"
--65th St & 1st Ave
Hispanic lady: I don't need no man, I don't need no man. I got everything I need in my purse.
--Cafe, West Village
Wednesday One-Liners Giggle When They Hear the Word "Penal"
Woman to two male companions: I've fornicated lots of times, and I've never been arrested!
--A Train, Grand Central
Guy handing out tickets: Comedy club tickets, tickets tickets, get drunk and possibly arrested!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Chadwick
50-something on cell: I was watching America's Most Wanted last night to see if I could see...our boy!
--DeKalb & Cumberland, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lea
Grungy guy, carrying a slice and a bottled drink: I don't believe in putting off till tomorrow what I can do today...because tomorrow I might be back in jail.
--Sheridan Square
Overheard by: Suze Volchok
Guy on cell: It's always comforting when I imagine people I don't like being anally raped in prison.
--Prince & Sullivan
Bus driver: The next stop is QCC. Queens Correctional Cen...I mean, Queens Community College.
--Q27 Bus
Overheard by: hey! i go there ...
Wednesday One-Liners for Joe the Plumber
Glum construction worker, singing slowly: We will...we will...not get paid.
--Caton Place
Overheard by: Cottonfluff
Hardhat to another: You got a rash on yo ass, know what I'm sayin?
--12th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: j
Construction worker to friends, watching girl in a bubble dress walk down the street: Damn, yo, I hate those skirts, yo. That's the stupidest shit I ever seen.
--13th St & 5th Ave
Construction worker to group of girls walking past, carrying food bags: Want to grab lunch?
(girls ignore him) Dinner? Breakfast? (girls continue to ignore him, so he yells at them) Just a snack, then?
--Prince Street
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Eastern European construction worker to pigeon: You! Yes, hey you! Eat this! Is good for you! Will put hair on your balls! Yes, eat, eat!
--23rd & 1st
Overheard by: Becka Dash
A Nice Man Gave Me This Briefcase Full Of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor over PA: Some asshole saw fit to leave a package behind on the train, so now we're waiting for the train police. God knows how long that's going to take.
--4 Train
Overheard by: arctinus
Loud hobo addressing crowded f train: I am unemployed. I am not begging. This is an uptown-bound f train. If you see a suspicious package...give it to me.
--F Train
Overheard by: Megerella
Rasta guy to whole car: Attention passengers! (does perfect imitation of opening subway door tones) Please keep your belongings in sight at all times. If you see a suspicious package on the platform or train, tell a police officer, or an MTA employee, or me---it could be a big bag of money, or a bag of medicinal weed. Not the haze, the spliff.
--4 Train
Overheard by: one love
Hobo (after imitating the sound of the subway doors closing): This is a Bronx-bound 4 train...the next stop will be 14th Street Union Square. If you see a suspicious package, don't keep it to yourself. Tell a police officer or MTA employee or me, cause it could be a bag of money or some weed! (approaching a white girl) Hey, pretty girl! You ever tried the flavor black? Cause once you go black you don't go back. Oh man, she's fine! She's fine too! I must be a lesbian because I like all girls!
--4 Train
Overheard by: can never hear those announcements with a straight face
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see or think you're seeing a suspicious package, don't be scared! Say something! The next stop on this train will be 125th Street, home of the famous Apollo Theater and Street Fault, now with white kids from the Old Navy commercial walking all over the place.
--A Train
Overheard by: Alix
Wednesday One-Liners Live on a Steady Diet of Government Cheese
Guy: I'm tellin' you, man. America loves cheese. No, seriously, dude. America loves cheese!
--Ace's, 5th St & Ave B
Cute 20-something guy singing while playing soccer: Bottles of cheese, bottles of cheeeeeeeeese...
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: i'd like a bottle of cheese
Girl: I'd rather have a turkey sandwich with cum on it than cheese.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Lindsay
Distressed female student: She's such a hard grader! She's like...a cheese grater.
--Queens College
Five-year old boy: But mummy, I want goat cheese on my french fries!
--St. Regis Hotel
Overheard by: Nonok
Plug-and-Play Wednesday One-Liners
Female tv & radio producer: I don't understand how women can have kids today when there are Blackberries.
--Bloomberg
Overheard by: Yalie09
Man to woman at bar: That's the beauty of freezers!
--Bar, 13th St
Woman, to nobody in particular: Excuse me, but does anyone know how to use a Blackberry? I just got it today.
--Long Island Railroad
Girl on cell: It's not my fault, it's the technology.
--W Houston & Hudson St
14-year-old boy to mother: She spends hers on books, markers; on beads for her hair; I spent mine on this PDA to organize my life!
--F Train
Overheard by: ap.scigaj
Birthday One-Liners
20-something guy on cell: My girlfriend's birthday is tomorrow. (pause) I don't know. Maybe a bong.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Steve Popovich
Girl to friend: I just wanted to hook up with him because we had the same birthday.
--8th St & 5th Ave
Rent cast member (shouting over shoulder): I turn 34 on Friday, I'm old but at least I made it past Jesus.
--Nederlander Theatre
Woman arguing loudly with her mother in the laundromat: My 30th birthday is gonna be ruined if we don't go to the wax museum!
--4th Ave & 14th St, Brooklyn
Guy handing out New York Post: Grab your free copy of New York Post, it's free, it's free! Oh, and happy birthday to me today, thank you very much for remembering it! Oh, what a lovely day...
--42nd & Madison
Overheard by: Eve
Wednesday One-Liners for Chuck Bass
Gay guy to passersby: Spare an asshole for a gay man?
--Union Square
Man to woman: It's not that I'm an asshole; I just don't want to be seen with you.
--Bar, Upper West Side
Overheard by: Eric
Hipster chic: You could fit a globe in your asshole, it's so big.
--Bedford Ave & 3rd St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: letthemusicplayy
Woman, answering cell: Hey, asshole!
--Rite Aid, Grand Central
Haven't You Been Issued a Copy Of the Revised Constitution?
Cop: You gotta keep moving.
Vagrant: But it's free...it's a free...
Cop: No. It ain't.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jason Scott
Speaking Of Going Down
Student #1, looking at financial data: Oh, crap, the dollar went down again.
Student #2: Why do you care if the dollar goes down?
Student #1: Because I want to go to Canada and pay less for strippers.
--Cooper Union
Overheard by: Yasha
He Did What He Loved, and the Money Just Followed
Gay suit #1: So did you hear that he got a new apartment?
Gay suit #2: No!
Gay suit #1: I'd say it's the house that porn built.
--Chelsea
Wears a Hockey Mask Everywhere
Suit #1: Then Paul* just totally lost it, and threw his cellphone at Dave*.
Suit #2: My god! What was he thinking?
Suit #1: I don't think Dave minded that much. He's Canadian.
--5th & W 57th
Overheard by: Charlotte
Or Timbuktu?
Guy: I like to travel a lot.
Girl: Ohhh! Have you ever been to New Jersey?
--72nd & Central Park West
Overheard by: Ross
Tonight's Movie: Single, Very-White Female
Woman in wheelchair, smoking: Well, I didn't know they could, you know, put you on top of another one.
Woman walking and smoking: Yeah, so when you go, you want like a single to be buried in?
Woman in wheelchair: I want a single.
--18th & 7th
The Voters Have Spoken
Guy: Want to come back to my place?
Girl: I thought you had a girlfriend.
Guy: I told you, I just haven't broken up with her yet!
Girl: Fine, but you still have a girlfriend.
Guy: Fuck that. I still have a girlfriend only in the same sense that Bush is still President.
--Blue & Gold
Overheard by: true...
Twin African Spiny Hedgehogs
Guy #1: Do you have grey hair on your neck too?
Guy #2: Yeah, I do.
Guy #1: Oh, thank god, I thought I was the only one.
Guy #3: Don't worry, you should see my testicles.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Steve
Their Sex Life Is Kind of a Downer
Lazy guy on bike: My tailbone hurts.
Lazy girl on bike: My vagina bones hurt.
--East Village
Only When Ultimate Fighting Practice Is Cancelled
Teenage thug #1: Yo, dude! On Oprah there was this guy who was preggers, fucking crazy man!
(pause)
Teenage thug #2: You watch Oprah?
--LaGuardia High School
Then They Should Have Those Metal Lap Bars, Like on Roller Coasters
Rookie commuter: I don't understand, all these people are standing at the doors, but nobody is leaving the train.
Experienced commuter: Umm, that's because were still moving. They tend to discourage that. Even if you know how to tuck and roll...
--Metro North, Grand Central Terminal
And Who, Like Me, Knows How to Make Paper Hats
White lady handing out New York Post: Free Post! Free New York Post today! Free Post!
Black man: That will really show you who knows how to read!
--28th & Lexington
Overheard by: Emmy
Domo Arigato, Mr. Hoboto
Bum doing the robot: Zzzzzzz robot, zzzzzzz whirrr whirr, doing the robot.
Cop passing by, over car loudspeaker: That is the worst robot I've ever seen.
(crowd cheers)
--Times Square
Overheard by: omegatron
Elina from America's Next Top Model Finally Puts Herself in Perspective
Girl #1: Can I stay at your place tonight?
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I met this guy and he's like stalking me. He almost choked me when we were fooling around.
Girl #2: Oh my god! Sure!
Girl #1: Yeah, he keeps calling me. He calls me Angelina Jolie.
Girl #2: You are not that hot.
Girl #1: I know.
--Bathroom, NYU
All Your Toys, Sure
Mother to six-year-old son: Of course I love you! You are my son, I love every bit of you!
Son: Even my balls?
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Juan Chung
How Do You Think I Afford That Summer House in the Vineyard?
Subway hobo: Hello, I am not here to beg. I am homeless, I have not eaten in a week. I have not been able to find a job.
Man on the train: Hey man, if you are looking for a job I can help you out.
Subway hobo: What do you mean? This is my job!
--D Train
It's the Prospect of Going Home to Queens, Honey
Little boy watching a man: What the fuck?
Mother, reading a newspaper: You better watch your mouth today, little boy!
Little boy: But mommy, he keeps banging his head on the pole!
Mother, watching the man: What the fuck?
--F Train
Overheard by: It looked painful.
At Least During Snowbird Mating Season
Young woman: San Francisco is so boring.
Young man: Why is that?
Young woman: Because when I lived there, I never went to any orgies.
Young man: Really?
Young woman: Yeah...when I lived in Miami, I went to orgies every week.
--Houston & Lafayette
Gosh, I Loved Montessori School
Woman with British accent: It's wonderful that you remember it all so vividly.
Man with British accent: Yes. I remember we were dancing. I was dancing with you and those transvestite trucker types in a circle around your handbags.
--59 St & Park Ave
Over in "Beyond"
Man: We need to find the big stabbing knives.
Woman: I know exactly where they are.
--Bed Bath & Beyond, 6th Ave
And a Master's in Ships
Guy: I could be an astronaut.
Girl: You have to be like really really smart to be an astronaut, you have to have like a doctoral in engineering and a doctoral in space...
--Javitz Center
One Time I Caught Him Doing a Line of Mashed Potatoes
Elderly man to waiter: You know, that looks like 'shrooms.
Waiter: Sir, this is couscous.
--Broadway & 90th
Overheard by: GuyonaMac
Headline by: Bojo
Runners-Up:
· "All Of Us Have a Bad Experience with Rice-A-Roni" - the blue one
· "Bernie's Attempts at Discreetly Finding a Drug Dealer Have Failed Yet Again" - RaeAn
· "It's Not Easy Being Keith Richards' Waiter" - I'll have the mushroom soup
· "Well, Then You Clearly Got My Order Wrong." - Timmy
· "Whatever, As Long As It Gets Me Where I Want to Go" - PeterG
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That's the Last Time I'll Try Something New, "Just for Kicks."
Oldish lady #1: So, how have you been?
Oldish lady #2: Well, I just had a horrible experience! People always told me that ultrasounds were worse than childbirth, and I never believed them. You know, I never had children. But really! They were doing an ultrasound and I've never experienced anything more painful in my entire life! And then they couldn't find my gallbladder! It was horrible!
--37 Arts, W 37th St
Overheard by: hunterfosterspitsalot
Haven't Related to Anything That Much Since "Don't Hate the Game, Hate the Player"
Dumb #20-something #1: Anyway, she said something great at the end of the episode. It was like...a saying. It goes like, "Those who can't teach..." No. "Those who can't do..." No. Am I right? "Those who can't teach...do..."
Dumb #20-something #2: Yes, you are so right. It's: "Those who can't teach, do." I know that.
Dumb #20-something #1: Yeah. I mean, I just... (very quietly), I just really related to that sentence.
--35th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Dan
And Tomorrow We'll Head to New York
British tourist #1: After we eat we should go to Times Square.
British tourist #2: This is Times Square!
British tourist #1: Oh. Then after we eat we should go to South Street Seaport!
--South Street Seaport
Republicans Are Born, Not Made
Volunteer for UHO: I'm here collecting money for United Homeless Organization. I was once homeless and begging on the subway, but thanks to your generous donations...
Two-year-old boy, screaming: Stop it!
--6 train
Overheard by: Katie
There's a Reason Some Stereotypes Exist.
Bodega counter guy, to girl walking up to buy beers: Fuckin shit! Oh, pardon my language miss. Watch your mouth boys, there's a lady!
Girl: Dude, I'm buying two double Pabst and rolling tobacco, say whatever the fuck you want,
Patron in line behind her: This is Brooklyn, ain't no ladies here.
--Grove & Broadway, Brooklyn
I'm Beginning to Rethink Our Friendship
Guy #1: I can't believe you didn't go home with him. You're anti-sex.
Girl: He's a commuter! I'm not anti-sex! I'm anti-finding my way home from the suburbs.
Guy #2: You'd make a terrible hooker.
--54th & 9th
Overheard by: Bubbles
A Pox on You and Your Substitute Religion!
Five-year-old girl to five-year-old friend: The earth doesn't belong to us, we belong to the earth. Did you know that?
Friend (frustrated): Yeah, I know!
--Co-op Eevator, Queens
Isn't That Why He's With That Ho Now?
13-year-old girl #1: I can't believe he's with that ho now.
13-year-old girl #2: It's 'cause she just got right up in his face and spread 'em. She just spread 'em.
13-year-old girl #1: Well, yeah, I mean she's ugly so she'd had to do something really extreme, you know?
13-year-old girl #2: Yeah, girl, she just spread 'em.
13-year-old girl #1: Whatever, it might have been easy but I could do all kinds of freaky things she just can't ever do for him. She made it easy, but she ain't a freak like me. I can do him all kinds of freaky ways that no one else can.
13-year-old girl #2: Well, I can do some freaky shit too.
13-year-old girl #1: Yeah, maybe. But not like me. I think I'm the freakiest woman alive. I got secrets you just can't even imagine. And I'm not sharin'.
--1 Train
Overheard by: shocked and appalled
We Expected Nothing Less from the Birthplace of the Long Island Iced Tea
Conductor: Crime does not pay. I repeat, crime does not pay. There will be no crime on this train. Littering is a crime. Throwing up on the train is a crime. If you feel the need to relieve yourself, there is one place you can throw up on the train...on yourself. Or if you have a girlfriend, you can have her join in on the situation and you can throw up on her. I'm sure that punishment would be far worse. (at the next stop) I'd like to thank the gentleman in the second car. That was the most amazing display of projectile vomit outside the car doors that I have ever seen! A new record!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Rob Mo
Yeah? Just Keep Your Force to Yourself, Then.
Girl: You have a rubber, right?
Guy (in Darth Vader voice): I find your lack of faith disturbing...
--Washington Square Park
Mary Magdalene Is Crushing Big-Time
20-something girl #1: He's just so, like, passionate, you know? Like, he asked me what colors I like, and I said "blue," and he said I would look really good in blue.
20-something girl #2: Wow.
20-something girl #1: I know. He's just like, so...moral.
--32nd & Lexington
On Tonight's Episode of Couples Who Work Together...
Voice on speaker: Stand clear of the closing doors.
Conductor with head out of window: Shut up!
Voice on speaker: 308, 308...
Conductor with head out of window: Shut up!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Krisztina
Did You See the Girl with the Shoes?
Red beard hipster: We thought we lost you guys.
Methhead ditz hipster: No, we went down that street.
Red beard hipster: Oh, that street.
Methhead ditz hipster: No, not that street, that street.
Red beard hipster: Oh, cool.
--McDonald's
Overheard by: BigKahuna&BigRed
It's Almost Ready for Solid Foods
Chick, pointing to mole on friend's arm: Hey, so how's that cancer going for you?
Friend: Oh my god! It's developing!
--St. John's University, Queens
And Was Wearing a Babushka.
Ghetto princess #1: So I said, "No way, Ay-rab, I'm not dancing with you."
Ghetto princess #2: He wasn't Arab, he was Greek.
Ghetto princess #1: He looked like he was from Ay-ray-bica. I don't know, he just seemed crazy.
Ghetto princess #3: No, no, he was definitely Greek, cause he spoke like he was in the mafia and everything.
--A Train
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