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From Complaining About the Discharge?
Patient: I think my boyfriend and I have contracted either gonorrhea or chlamydia.
Doctor: What makes you say that?
Patient: Well, he's having kind of a pussy discharge from his penis and a burning sensation when he urinates.
Doctor: And what symptoms have you been having?
Patient: Well, I've had a sore throat...
--NYU Medical Center
Overheard by: The nurse who just had to hear this story...
Paul Reubens Is Really Down on His Luck
Kid on bicycle which is far too big for him to guy jogging by: Damn, mister, it's too hot to be running...wanna buy a bike?
--Carmine & 7th Ave
How You Know Your Little Boy is Straight
Employee: I like your pink shirt.
Coworker's 9-year-old nephew: It's not pink; it's white with pink and green stripes.
Employee: So you like to wear pink?
Coworker's 9-year-old nephew: My shirt *isn't* pink! (now shouting) It's white with pink and green stripes and it takes a real man to wear pink!
--Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Synitta Walker
You Know the Deal. You Finish Last.
Woman blocking sidewalk for filming: Please wait two minutes. Just two minutes.
Woman barging through crowd: I didn't know this was a congregation area! (curses at woman blocking crowd)
Polite girl: Since the asshole got through, can the nice people go through?
--Bleecker St
Anyone Else Wondering What These Girls Are Doing at a Library?
16-year-old tourist girl #1, looking at a map of Europe: You know that country that is shaped like a boot?
16-year-old tourist girl #2: Yeah...Italy, of couse.
16-year-old tourist girl #1: No, it's not...I know this one...it's...Florida!
16-year-old tourist girl #2: Oh my god! I cant believe you've said that. Florida is in the US!
16-year-old tourist girl #1: I know!
--New York Public Library
Overheard by: Thales H.
Then You Deserve a Cigar Too, My Good Sir
Neighbor #1: So your baby is finally here!
Neighbor #2: Yeah, she was born on Tuesday. 8 lbs, 20 inches...
Crazy guy walking by: Well, I'm 25 inches.
--Garment District
In That Case, We Need to Talk About Pants
Embarrassed teenage son: Mom, cross your legs.
Obese mother: They are crossed.
Embarrassed teenage son: No, they're not. Cross them more.
Obese mother: If I cross my legs any more I'll get a blood clot.
--G Train
Woody Allen's Genius Is Partly Remembering Conversations Like This
(dad playing with little kids on slide, son screams)
Mom: Just a minute, honey, daddy is too busy playing with other people's children.
Dad (coming over to son): And mommy is too busy being passive aggressive.
--Central Park Playground
Overheard by: Amused Babysitter
The Will-o'-the-Wisp Lured the Halvorsens Into the Swamp
Old man: Alright honey, let's go back to the hotel.
(starts walking in random direction)
Old woman: Honey, where are you going?
Old man: I don't know, the shiny lights all around us?
--Times Square
Did You Spring for a Frosty?
Teen girl on cell: Did you take her to Wendy's or a restaurant? (pause) Aww...you love her!
--Diner, 14th St
Overheard by: Bess
Hey, John the Baptist Enjoyed Blowing Lines as Much as the Next Guy
Guy in monk costume: I mean, it would be so easy to hide in this outfit.
Friend: Yeah, really.
Guy in monk costume: I'll just shoot it under the robe. I mean, after all, it is Halloween!
--26th & 5th
Pop Quiz: Which Olsen Sister Is Real?
Shaggy 20-something #1: I am your curse.
Shaggy 20-something #2: Curse?
Shaggy 20-something #1: I'm not real. This is you talking.
--10th & 1st
Overheard by: Did I imagine someone's imaginary friend?
God, I Love Church Retreats
Guy #1: So how was your weekend? Did you go on the trip?
Guy #2: It was insane man, a real pagan festival.
Guy #1: Really?
Guy #2: Yeah, naked girls worshiping a giant tree. Totally crazy.
Guy #1: Did you make a love connection?
Guy #2: I actually made a few love connections, if you know what I mean...
--Men's Room, Hiro Ballroom
Overheard by: Yeah, we know what you mean...
You Need Better Time Management Skills
Big black guy on bike: Yeah...it'll be a smokey party.
Skinny black guy: Yo...this school shit is whack--I got an ounce to smoke through, but I've been so busy with school... I mean, yesterday I only smoked three blunts.
Big black guy on bike: Ooooh, son. Ouch.
--Broadway & Washington Place
Overheard by: Sydney m
In That They're Not New York
Teen girl: Isn't he from Canada?
Mom: No, he's from Nebraska.
Teen girl: Oh, same thing.
--Balthazar Restaurant
Overheard by: Lexcar
I Tripped and Fell Into Downward Dog!
Girl #1: How could you get drunk and do yoga?
Girl #2: I didn't do it on purpose!
--16tth & Broadway
And I Realized a Detachable One Would Be Even Cooler
Guy #1: And you know if you use it too much, like if you fuck everybody it just...it falls off.
Guy #2: Yeah, that almost happened to me once.
--Elevator, Apple Store
Gayer Than Marcus Brody's Relationship with Indy's Dad?
Small child #1: Look, they got toys out already and the movie isn't even out yet!
Small child #2: Yo, that's crazy gay!
--Toys R Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Tim
Perfect for "Arctic Hysteria: New Art from Finland"
Girl: If we don't get there soon, my uterus is going to fall out.
Boy: If it does, you could frame it and give it to PS1 at the MoMA.
--59th St & 3rd Ave
They'd Rule the World-- Oh, Wait
Teen boy #1: It's like a totally different part of the body.
Teen boy #2: Can you imagine if vaginas had brains?
--Bedford Avenue, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Judgmental Dog Walker
And It Didn't Help That Her Native-American Last Name Was 'Of the West'
Old Man: "Esmerelda"? That sounds like a witch's name.
Old Man #2: My ex-wife's name was Esmerelda...talk about a witch!
--Sweet Life Cafe, Christopher Street
Should We Stop for Some Cocktails and Wait It Out?
Mom: Shit, it's raining!
Four-year-old: Fuck!
--Times Square
Overheard by: leah
You Go, Roscoe!
Lady: Excuse me, do you know where the bathrooms are?
Father with toddler: Nope, sorry.
Lady: I thought people with kids always knew where the bathrooms were.
Father with toddler: Nah, I just let him pee in the grass.
--Central Park
Lime-Green Culottes and All
Yuppie wannabe guy #1: I'm not trendy, am I?
Yuppie wannabe guy #2: No, you're not trendy.
Yuppie wannabe girl: No, no. You're not trendy. You're you. You're you.
--MetroNorth Harlem Line
Overheard by: M.A.
And Then Martha's Vineyard
Frat boy: So, where are you going for the summer?
Preppy girl: Dead babies.
--C Train
Overheard by: Jacob
Come On--We New Yorkers Have Rules
Crazy 20-something woman, screaming into cell: But where have you been? (sobs) I've been waiting for you. Where are you? (screaming louder) It's been hours, where are you? Where are you? How could you do this to me? Where are you?
(everyone on sidewalk turns around as she passes)
Man: It is way too early for that.
Woman: Yeah, that's the kind of call you make at 3 am, when you're drunk.
--Taxi Line, Penn Station
Overheard by: Nancy
But a Guy Can Always Dream
Guy#1: I don't even know why I like this girl. She has no tits, she's fat, and she has a mustache.
Guy#2: Are you in love with Mr Belvedere?
Guy#3: Can't be. Mr Belvedere has tits.
--2nd Ave & 6th
Overheard by: John
Of Course You'll Have to Put Bill in a Dress First
Guy #1: So I just say "hi, this is my wife"?
Guy #2: Yeah, that is all you have to say.
--Central Park
Now I'll Never Know How This Abe Lincoln Biography Ends!
Driver: Attention all passengers on the left side of the bus, I believe that the reading lights on your side are broken. I apologize.
Lady on the left side: Oh god, now what do we do?
Driver (muttering): Son of a bitch...take a nap!
--Bus, Port Authority
Overheard by: Sitting on the right side laughing
What They Really Say Is "Rhubarb, Rhubrarb, Mrs. Benson"
Guy at bar doing crossword: "The sound of a crowd." Three letters, ending with "n."
Hot bartender: Ummmmm.
Guy: "Din"? Is it "din"?
Hot bartender: What? Like people get together and just start saying "din din din"? I don't think so!
--The Continental
Overheard by: choking on scotch
To Within a Couple Of Crocodiles
Professor, describing a picture of the Calendario Azteca: It's not actually a calendar, but a depiction of Aztec cosmology and creation.
Student: Is it accurate?
--Columbia University
NewsFlash: Catty Actor Shortage! NASDAQ Tumbles!
Male actor: They didn't hire him for his voice. They hired him to do the part was because he was the last actor in New York City who was willing to put on a cat costume and tour the country for two years.
Female actor: Uh-huh.
--Le Petite Un Deux Trois Restaurant
Overheard by: Truetuft
Not As Alive As His Twin, Cher.
Little boy: Daddy, is Michael Jackson still alive?
Father: Um...sort of.
--42nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Sabs
Duck I'd Like To Fry?
Hot gay ginger: Ooh! Look at how yummy these grapes look!
Cute half-Asian: Not as yummy as that dilf outside...
--Dean & Deluca
Overheard by: reid r.
Headline by: Myrtle Willoughby
Runners-Up:
· "And So Grape Nuts Were Born" - DRS
· "How to Toss a Half-Asian Salad" - jeffreydanna@gmail.com
· "It's Official: Gay Men Are the New Teenage Girls." - Steve
· "Some People Just Prefer Bananas" - Hot gay ginger
· "That's Why They Call It the Fruit Section." - Jesse
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Almost As Much As I Hate the "Your Call Cannot Be Completed" Whore
(hurried suit squeezes into packed compartment of automated revolving door)
Automated female voice: Please step forward.
Suit, squishing forward: Eat me!
Automated female voice: Thank you.
Suit: God, I hate that cheery bitch.
--Marriott Marquis Hotel, Times Square
Overheard by: austin
Take It Slow-- Remember, I Work Here.
Mother: What's the name of the play?
Daughter: The Misanthrope.
Mother: How do you spell that?
Daughter: It's with an "e"
Mother: That doesn't help me.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: John Blaze
That's One Word for It
9th grade girl #1: Yo, this shit is mad boring. This school's a damn waste of ma time. Plus, it's grimy and nasty, all the girls have that thing that begins with a "c," what's it called?
9th grade girl #2: Cooties?
9th grade girl #1: Nah.
9th grade girl #2: Chlamydia?
9th grade girl #1: Yeah, that's it! That shit is annoying.
--M86 Bus
And Now Here's Al Roker With the Wednesday One-Liners!
Homeless guy, giving umbrella to random white girl: This is for you. In case it rains. This (holding up alcohol bottle) is for me. You know why? Because I'm an alcoholic.
--Penn Station
Man to friend, about the Bruce Springsteen concert that night: You know what? If it starts raining, I'm just going to take off my shirt and scream the whole time.
--Penn Station
Girl: We're on an island, it doesn't snow here.
--St. John's University, Staten Island
Overheard by: Ang
Vendor: Man, I know why we're having to pee so much! It's because it's colder and our bladders are shrinking.
--Flea Market, 82nd & Columbus
Overheard by: EthanK
Woman yelling to complete stranger: It's not raining anymore! It stopped raining! You're the only one with an umbrella!
--Port Authority
Wednesday One-Liners, Actually
Homeless guy hugging another: I love you, old school! You got a cigarette?
--14th St & 8th Ave
Drunk, fighting with another and punching phone booth: I will fuck you up, man! I love you, man!
--E 11th St & 9th Ave
Sloppy drunk dial outside gay club: I love you so fuckin much, mom...like...*more* than Anna Nicole!
--Valda, Gay Bar, NYC
Female NYU student: You don't love Joe Biden as much as I do. Dude, Joe Biden is awesome! He should be gay!
--Tisch Hall, NYU
Overheard by: Blair
Guy leaning against light post, to girlfriend: Listen, I love you...but you're so fucking mean.
--47th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: J&J
"Don't Hate Me Because I'm Wednesday One-Liner"
Female hipster, loudly: I hate those two! They're egomaniacs with low self esteem!
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
Sullen-looking girl: I guess it's just incumbent on me to be cheerful regardless of the fact that I hate everything.
--Warren St & W Broadway
Overheard by: Tha WB
Girl at Dali exhibition: I hate people. I hate museums. I really hate Spaniards.
--Dali and Film Exhibition, MoMA
Overheard by: Andi C.
Concerned girl to friends: Maybe if we stopped singing Simon & Garfunkel so loudly, people would hate us less.
--Grand Central
Teen girl: I just hate her so much! I'm not even going to Facebook friend her, I hate her so much!
--B Train
Overheard by: Jen
European woman wearing I Love NY shirt, holding Sex & the City box set: I hate Americans.
--Canal & Lafayette
Wednesday One-Liners Do It Via Text
Girl on cell: My ex-boyfriend used to call the subway "The MTA," and I was like, "Yeah...this isn't working out."
--Penn Station
Overheard by: I would've dumped him too
Teenager on cell: If, hypothetically, what we had been doing was dating, then technically, hypothetically, he just broke up with me. Fucking douche.
--Finacial District
Cute girl: Don't you know the rules of break-ups? You have to clean out the drawer. You can't bring old lube to a new relationship.
--Essex & Grand
Overheard by: yaletownkid
Guy to friend: So you're telling me that I broke up with her because of lube?
--Park Slope
Guy on cell: Look, I know I said "forever." It's not your fault! To be honest, I just never really liked you that much!
--West 4th St. Subway Entrance
Preppy boy: That was the worst part about breaking up with my ex-girlfriend. She got a 50% discount at Polo!
--Bloomingdale's
So Are You a Wednesday or a One-Liner?
Gay guy to friend: The men in my family die young while the women live much longer. I don't know where that leaves me.
--W 4th St & Bank St
Daughter to mother: There are only boys and girls, right?
--M60 Bus
Math geek to another: I think society benefits more from cross-dressing than murder.
--Outside Tisch Hall, NYU
Overheard by: shaun
Woman to man: You did know she had a penis, right?
--Broadway
Overheard by: Jessica
Guy, to another standing up: Sit down, sugar tits, this ain't our stop!
--G Train
Overheard by: Matthew & Aaron
Guy to another: Hey, how're the bumps on your cervix doing?
--Thompson & Bleecker
Overheard by: office peon
Wednesday One-Liners Are 99.9% Effective When Used Properly
Middle-aged lady to guy handing out Obama and McCain condoms: Now I've got something to play with tonight! All I need is a man.
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: I Hate Times Square
30-something dad on cell pushing small child in stroller: You know, I'm all in favor of that Plan B medication.
--Park Slope, Prospect Park
Overheard by: Alex
Girl in elevator to friend: I don't even know why you need condoms, they break anyway. But I didn't get pregnant!
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kar
Guy at the sidewalk: Anybody wants McCain, Obama and Palin condoms? McCain, Obama and Palin condoms...get it here! Because either way, you're screwed!
--Times Square
Overheard by: non voter
Girl to bartender: Can I get some of those condoms? (bartender takes out two) I mean, like a bunch? I'm a big dirtbag.
--Boss Tweeds
Suit on cell: You just wrap it in duct tape and put a condom on it.
--7th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Karmenlara Seidman
Eric Cartman: "Wednesday One-Liner My Authori-tay!"
Disrespectful dude: We don't respect our old people here. Just makes more sense.
--Penn Station
Boisterous, deep voiced, West Indian woman: Miss, if you want respect, you must give respect! (pause) What the fuck are you gonna do about it? (pause) Miss, we will fight and we will die on this bus!
--Bus, Church Ave
Overheard by: Dena C.
Conductor: Please step away from the doors. (pause) I'm asking you in a nice way to please step away from the doors. (pause) If you do it out of respect for me, or, um, I guess, you don't have to, but at least respect the other passengers.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Vivi
Guy: Yeah, I would never fart in her face, that's disrespectful.
--Madison Sqaure Garden
Overheard by: adelynn
Emphatic bakery delivery man to store manager: You guys don't respect my bread.
--46th St & 43rd Ave, Queens
Overheard by: Anna Rose
Guy on cell: I lost all respect for her after she fucked the ice cream man.
--Dust Bowl, Central Park
Overheard by: Jay Softe
Our Data Shows a Strong Positive Correlation Between Wednesday and One-Liners
Young woman on phone to friend: I have a fucking physics degree! I can read! He trusts me to run a motherfucking particle accelerator, I can read the mail!
--46th & 6th
Overheard by: Eggmen7
Hobo holding a crumpled napkin high in the air: Science! S-c-...-i-e-n-...-c-e! I did it! Science! Science! S-c-i...-e-n-c-e! I did it!
--Mulberry & Spring
Overheard by: Erica L.
Suit to friend: I'm an evolution science guy. If you want to believe in that nonsense then you gotta admit your god is an underachiever with a good publicist.
--45th b/w 6th & 7th
Woman to teen who has just spilled his coffee on sidewalk: Yeah, gravity is interesting like that.
--35th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Jeggy
Male student to female student: Looking out for yourself--the id, the ego--it's part of natural selection, human nature, you know? But there aren't that many people who choose to try to overcome that. Or if there are, I haven't met them. If there's a colony somewhere, I'd like to meet them. Maybe it's just like going to the wrong nightclub, you know?
--Hoffman St & E 187th St
Overheard by: Lucy
Dude on cell: How are you, on a subatomic level?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liner Are the Low Hanging Fruit on the Family Tree
Man on cell: Hey mom... It's your son! You jackass!
--Bleecker & Mercer
Hot girl to hot friend: Has my brother ever told you his glue stories? (friend shakes head) Well... (begins whispering)
--2 Train
Man shouting on cell: I didn't know she was your sister! Jesus!
--Amtrak Train
Four-year-old to another: I'll be the mother and you the daughter, so you the boss of me.
--Ave D
Woman to friend: Not only is he messing with my marriage, but now I gotta tell my kids they ain't brothers!
--Park Ave & 125th St
Woman to another: ...so I was fucking your brother.
--Theatre District
Wednesday One-Liners for Stephen Colbert
Suit on phone: The dream was strange...we are in a library ...I say something like "it's a liability." Then you said "your mom's a liability." That was it...I don't know.
--Gramercy Park
Overheard by: POLA
Young suit to another: The world is not your oyster!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Amy
Suit to another, as 30-something woman in skirt and high heels passes by: Yowza! And that ends our case study!
--Madison Ave & 40th St
Overheard by: Casey
Stressed female suit: No one gives a fuck anymore. Everyone's just gonna do what they want. And any further complaints can be directed to my ass.
--University St b/w 8th & Waverly
Middle-aged Asian man in three-piece suit on cell: I mean, how can I live like Bond if I'm married?
--46th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: dr. no, i dont do
20-something female suit on cell: Baby, I would love to go to dinner, but you have two options: dinner or sex. I only have time for one.
--27th St & Park Ave
Wednesday One-Liner Get Paid Under the Table
Guy drinking wine: Coming to work wasted is frowned upon, but also lovingly embraced.
--Tartine, West Village
Fake bag hawker to woman in suit with briefcase: Can I get a job, miss? Are you hiring, miss?
--Canal St
Suit: When I die, don't go to my funeral, just go to work.
--33rd St &3rd Ave
Crazy girl on cell: All I know is that I need a really fucking good job with no fucking drug test.
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Sam Fez
Weird guy to girl: I mean, I come home from work not feeling sexy at all. (subway car screeches) It's not exactly the most testosterone-filled job there is. (car screeches loudly again, then guy starts using hand motions) I have no idea how to get in the mood again!
--6 Train
Overheard by: fresca
Boss to peon: And grab Mary. (pause) Gently.
--Broadway
A No Man's Land Of Wednesday One-Liners
Girl: So yeah, that was the most interesting lesbian relationship I've ever had, but she left me for her old science teacher. At least you know where you stand with guys. (sighs)
--Macy's
Overheard by: Nathan
Suit nearing retirement, to his department: Did you ever think that Hilary Clinton just has to be a lesbian?
--Office, Midtown West
Man: I noticed I get checked out the most by women when I'm with a woman, so I started hanging around with lesbians and now we pick up women together.
--1 Train
Hobo, to no one in particular: I'm not a thespian, I'm a lesbian. From Hoboken.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Eric
Crazy hobo: Hillary invented the lesbian vote. There was no lesbian vote before Hillary, she created it! Thirty million lesbians all lined up to vote, and you know what you have to do to get the lesbian vote? You've gotta squeeze it. You have to squeeze the lesbian. How do you get orange juice? You squeeze it! You gotta squeeze the lesbian to get the vote!
--E Train
Overheard by: an unsqueezed lesbian
Angry woman on cell: No, I'm not doing the lesbian thing tonight. No. I'll be home soon.
--Outside Lesbian Bar, Hudson St
Overheard by: lady
It's Possble You Don't Need Any More Sugar
Mom describing Fun Dip to little girl: Okay, you got orange, purple, and cherry. You take the stick, dip it in the pouch and eat it.
Little girl, excitedly: Aw, shit!
--Riverdale
Overheard by: Mark
Some People Have a Knack for Getting Right to the Heart of a Matter
White woman: How are things with John?
Asian woman: I don't know. He's just not manly enough for me. He listens to Miss Saigon at the gym. Maybe he has an Asian fetish.
White woman: Sounds more like he has a dick fetish.
--E Train
Overheard by: Brad
Tell Me More, Tell Me More, Did She Shit Very Far?
Young JAP: So I heard they were doing anal at this party and he hit this nerve in her ass, and she started shitting all over her mom's bed.
Random guy, muttering: That's soooooo hot.
--1 Train
Overheard by: ugh
...She Probably Won't Even Remember the Plastic Surgery
Asian chick: She has, like, an Asian face on a Brazilian body.
Friend: Ew!
Asian chick: Yeah, I know. Weird. But she's only nine, so...
--Broadway & W 38th
Overheard by: English bloke
Making Exactly the Same Mistakes
Girl: Did you hear about Barbara Walters and the affairs she had when she was younger? It shocked me.
Guy: Why'd it shock you? A lot of these older people did a lot of crazy shit when they were younger, from violence to sex. How do you think at least 50% of us were born? And she looked kinda good then, I'd have done 'er.
Girl (shaking her head): Just about everybody is fucked up.
Guy (growling and laughing): Don't groan about it, it's nature baby. Us people today are just the latest ones on the scene.
--8th St & 6 Ave
Overheard by: savon
Even the Imaginary Ones Are Tired of My Drama
Dad to son who is crying after being pushed by another kid: Johnny*, why are you crying? He didn't do it on purpose. He's your friend.
Johnny: No he's not! No one's my friend! I don't have friends!
--Brooklyn Heights Promenade
Overheard by: Margarita
What What (On the Butt)?
Barnard-looking girl #1: You can shower, but then, if you take a shit, you feel totally dirty again. But those, they're like wiping with a washcloth.
Barnard-looking girl #2: I've almost crapped myself a few times on the subway and had to get off at the next stop.
--Grand & Havermeyer, Brooklyn
I Love This Town
Dude #1 in long bathroom line: Two to a stall! Two to a stall!
Dude #2: Don't cross the streams!!
Dude #3: Hahah! Did you get that reference?
Dude #4: Yeah I got it. Good reference.
--Southpaw, Brooklyn
Overheard by: FolkRocker
Which Sets Me Apart from Every Other 20-Something Girl in New York
Queer: You remind me of that girl Audrina on the hills!
Girl resembling Audrina: Yeah, I've heard that before. I've also heard Lindsay Lohan, but that's mostly because of my coke habit.
--Splash Bar
They Also Both Binge Drink and Vomit on a Regular Basis
Drunk guy: They are like made for each other!
Drunk girl: Oh my god! I know! And not even because they both smoke cigarettes and are like, gangster!
--13th & Broadway
Overheard by: saywhaaat
More or Less, Allowing for Individual Variation
Father: It was the Million Man March. It was a million men marching in the capital for our people.
Son: No girls? No moms?
Father: No girls, just men.
Son: So there was a million penises?
Father (trying to bring it back onto subject): Yes. But it was the Million Man March.
Son: So there were two million balls?
Father: That's not the point.
Son: But everybody had one penis and two balls, right?
Father: Presumably.
--4th St & 125th
When She Told Him to Stand Clear of the Closing Doors, He Finally Lost It
Woman's voice, on speaker: Please move forward on this escalator.
20-something suit, going up the escalator: You can't tell me what to do!
Woman's voice, on speaker: Have a nice day.
20-something suit: Fuck you!
--59th St
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
Reader Poll: Does Oprah Hate Herself?
Black girl #1: I'm just too black.
Black girl #2: Oh my god! You are so racist!
Black girl #3: You are just like Oprah! You be hatin' on your own self!
--Stuyvesant Place, Staten Island
I Mean, What Are the Odds Of Her Meeting Anybody Who Likes Her the Way She Is?
Dude #1: I think she's cute.
Dude #2: You have serious problems.
Dude #1: Really?
Dude #2: Like, you should be going to meetings or something.
Dude #1 (laughing): There are a lot of things I should be going to meetings for.
Dude #2: True story!
Dude #1: But seriously, I think she's kinda cute.
Dude #2: She needs to lose about 30 pounds.
Dude #1: I told her 20.
Dude #2: Okay. We'll reevaluate after 20.
--MetroNorth, Harlem Line
Overheard by: rpk
Relaxed Alertness Is Your Best Defense
Four-year-old Asian boy: Is this train going to Jamaica Center? The same as e train?
Mom: Yes.
Boy: So they need to watch out for guns?
--F Train
Smells Like Peen Spirit
Douchey guy #1, wearing a shirt with the word Wang across it, his face buried in a shrub: Dude, I just smelled bush in public.
Douchey guy #2, wearing the same shirt: Dude, I love smelling bush in public.
--60th & Broadway
Tonight's Movie: Brokeback Starbucks
Black guy in suit to stranger at same table: Oh, so you're married! I'm so sorry, I didn't realize.
White guy in suit: Oh, no worries, it doesn't mean I'm dead or anything.
Black suit: Are you faithful?
White suit (pausing for a couple of seconds): Sometimes.
--Starbucks, 23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Joe
The Yankees Really Need to Hire Some Vicious British Soccer Hooligans
Yankee fan, seeing girl in Red Sox hat: Booo! Boooo!
Red Sox girl's friend: Leave her alone! She's hot! Leave her alone!
Yankee fan: Booo! Red Sox suck!
Red Sox girl's friend: She's got big boobs, leave her alone!
Yankee fan: I've seen boobs before! Booo!
(later)
Yankee fan: Red Sox suck! Booo!
Red Sox girl's friend: Leave her alone, she's hot!
Yankee fan: That's your opinion! Booo!
--Yankee Stadium
Teen Wolf III Was More of an Educational Film
Man dressed as a werewolf: You look like you have some Native American heritage, maybe Mohawk.
Chinese man: I'm Chinese.
Man dressed as a werewolf: Well, Chinese is pretty much the same as Native American, they have the same spirit.
Chinese man: Sort of.
--The Slaughtered Lamb
Ah, to Be Young and Foolish Again!
Homeboy to friends: Man, growing up I was sure that "onomatopoeia" was the longest word in English.
Friend: No doubt.
--43rd & Lexington
You Always Know Just What to Do
College girl to boyfriend who is hugging her and moving around: Babe! Whatever you just did, do it again! My nose finally cleared!
Boyfriend: Uh, farted?
--B Train
I Was Sick for Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
Long Island girl: 42nd St is where there is lots of prostitution, right?
Female friend: What?
Long Island girl: Yeah, I thought I heard that 42nd St was where all the prostitutes were?
Female friend: Ummm...that's like Times Square. It's a major touristy spot.
Male friend: Maybe there's an occasional strip club?
Long Island girl: Oh my god, I really want to go to a strip club--I've never been to one before!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Amused
Headline by: 1310 (formerly SNA)
Runners-Up:
· "As the Economic Crisis Worsens, Margie Becomes Increasingly Desperate for a Job." - Carla
· "I Thought Mass Tourism WAS Whoring Yourself Out ?" - Cass
· "If Parents Don't Have the Sex Industry Talk, Someone Else Will" - space coyote
· "Long Islanders and Tourists Have Become One." - Fresca
· "That's How They Get New Recruits" - Skwerl!
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Isn't That a Cranium Category?
Guy #1: I mean, not all cats are creative. They can't be. Who do you know who has a creative cat?
Guy #2: Shauna, what about you? Is your cat creative?
Girl #1 (annoyed): I don't even own an animal.
Girl #2 (after a pause, excited): I had a creative cat once! (pause) I did!
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: are they really talking about cats?
Psych! Your Childhood Blows!
Cigarette-bearing mom with raspy voice: Honey, do you want to come with me to get an iced tea?
Five-year old son: Yeah!
Cigarette-bearing mom with raspy voice: No, I was kidding...I'm getting cigarettes.
--129th St, Rockaway
Overheard by: Robert
Like Totally Lucky or Just, Like, Lucky?
Blonde #1: Oh my god, how was your date last night?
Blonde #2: Like oh my god, we hooked up!
Blonde #1: Really?
Blonde #2: Like we totally hooked up...well, we didn't like hook up, hook up, but we definitely like hooked up!
Blonde #1 (in awe): Like oh my god, you're so lucky.
--Q17 Bus
Overheard by: My IQ lowered listening to this...
Can't We Just Give Lots Of Beer to the Israelis and Palestinians?
Guido on phone: C'mon! Me and Shannon want someone to drink with tonight!
Girl with heavy black eyeliner: Yeah! I love alcohol!
(they high five)
--A&W, Staten Island
Overheard by: Brandi, Anna and Kim
Is That a Euphemism for "Condoms"?
Guy, running into store: Yo, you guys got baby hats?
Store guy (baffled, in thick accent): Baby hats?
Guy: Baby hats. Baby hats!
Store guy: No, we don't carry those.
Guy (appalled): Shit! You don't got no baby hats?
--99 Cent Store, Fort Greene
Overheard by: toto
Either That, or It's Back to Diapers--Like Grandma
Small child, waiting in bathroom line: Mom, I really have to go.
Mom: Well, honey, you're just gonna have to cross your legs and hold your vagina.
--Barnes & Noble Bathroom, Union Square
But That Priest Just Looked Confused When I Put It in the Collection Plate
Rich girl #1: I feel like I haven't done anything today. I just woke up and got high.
Rich girl #2: No, you donated a tampon. That's like, totally a tax write-off!
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Dianne
Seriously, I -- Hehe, That Tickles! Quit It!
Random old guy #1: What you doing there, kid?
Random young guy #2: Nigga, give me some space! Why you got your dick all in my ear, yo?
--Pitkin Ave & Mothergaston, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rich
Cops: "What Is Your Emergency? (And 7 to 3, White Sox)"
3rd grade girl: Wait, so if we're leaving early, how are we going to figure out who won the game?
Teacher: Well, how do you usually find out who won a Mets game?
3rd grade boy: Uh...call the cops?
--7 Train
Overheard by: beetlebath
Yet a Little Bit Reptar, at the Same Time.
Girl #1: You remember on that cartoon Rugrats there was that monster named Reptar?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: I had a dream last night where I was trying to replace the word "cool" with "Reptar".
Girl #2: That's strange.
Girl #1: Yes, yes it is.
--LIRR
You Think Crack Might Be Part Of the Problem?
Blonde #1 to blonde #2: Lisa looks so tired, and has black circles under her eyes! Her skin is so pale, and it's the middle of the summer! I told her to get her hair cut, get a mani/pedi, and join a gym. But she doesn't listen. I don't understand! Why does she look so terrible?
Blonde #2: She's terrible looking, dude, that's why she looks so terrible.
Blonde #1: I guess that's a reason.
--C Train
I Take Refuge in Its Giant Shadow
Girl: Rodney, don't make fun of us because we're short! It's funny--when I sit down, I'm taller than him. (gestures to other short friend)
Rodney: You get two feet taller with your ass.
--1 Train
But I've Viewed Her Facebook Profile Over 100 Times
Guy #1: I think I might be in love with her.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: It's just I don't know if she loves me,
Guy #2: What'd she say?
Guy #1: Oh, I haven't spoken to her yet.
--82nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Hadley
From the Ray Cutting-Room Floor
Aggressive salesman: You need sunglass!
Man: No, I don't think so.
Aggressive salesman: You need sunglass!
Man: I'm blind! I do not need...
Aggressive salesman: You need sunglass! Everybody need sunglass.
--St Mark's Place
Overheard by: j
And Rapists
Nervous tourist: Do you think we'll be able to find Central Park?
Confident tourist: Don't worry, we just need to look out for trees.
--Port Authority
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