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It's Only Travel If You're Going Somewhere Humans Live
Girl #1: Okay, but I don't want to be out too late tonight because I have to travel tomorrow.
Girl #2: You do *not* have to *travel* tomorrow...you have to get on a bus to Atlantic City tomorrow.
--E 19th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Silent J
I Hope That Isn't Code for Something Else
Middle aged man: Let me get a dollar.
Friend: You still owe me a Snickers bar from Riker's Island, motherfucker.
--Grand Central
So You're Saying He Jokes Around a Lot But Just Isn't Funny
JAP #1: So my father won't let me work for him, I don't understand why. But he is eventually handing over the company to my cousin, the clown.
JAP #2: What do you mean, like he jokes around a lot?
JAP #1: No, he is a real clown.
--88th St & 1st St
Overheard by: well it's still probably better than you.....
He's Figuring She'll Die in the Night
Homeless Woman: Psst. Psst. You da managa?
McDonald's Employee: Yes.
Homeless Woman: I could get a application?
McDonald's Employee: Come back tomorrow.
--McDonald's
Overheard by: Jamie
This Guy Might Actually Be a Genius
Guy in car: Hey, that's a nice bike, what kind is it?
Biker stud: It's a Harley.
Guy in car: Is that a good one?
--Hudson & Horatio
Overheard by: risdchic
The Basics of Negotiation Also Baffled Him During His Time with the Teachers' Union
Hobo: You got any spare change? (man keeps walking) How about 10 dollars?
--10th St & Broadway
Actually It's Battery. What's Your Point?
Guy #1: You should punch her in the face.
Guy #2: I can't, that's assault.
--The Strand
Overheard by: Firefly
Tonight's Movie: Shootin' It Old School
Woman, shouting as she is being told to leave building: You ol' crackhead bitch anyway!
Police officer: You're that last person to be callin' someone a crackhead.
Woman: I ain't a crackhead. I'm a dope fiend! Dope fiend, dope fiend, dope fiend (repeats until she leaves)
--Madison Square Food Court, 31st & 7th
Overheard by: Jeff Johnson
Where Instead of Plastic Horses You Get to Ride Actual Dudes
Girl #1: Yeah, that carousel one is for kids.
Girl #2: Oh, I know that. But they like have one for dudes too, right?
--Bryant Park
Mostly Because They Won't Be Watching It
Drunk muscular hipster, after walking into a glass door (shouting): Yeah, you can laugh at me now, but you won't be laughing when I take my story to Fox News, jerk-wads!
--L Train
Overheard by: Tom in Bushwick
Which Is Why So Many Have Cropped Hair
Man: Lesbians aren't born. They're grown.
--Luxia, . 48th St
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Ugly People Are Dead To Me
Man to girl leaning over to pick up her bag: Hey baby, watch what you're doing! You got your ass all up in my face.
Girl: I didn't see you.
Man: Don't tell me you didn't see me. I'm 215 pounds. How could you *not* see me?
--Uptown A Train
Overheard by: Cat
I Heard If You Drink Like Ten Slim-Fasts You Disappear
20-something JAP #1: I've been walking a lot lately. Can you, like, lose calories from walking?
20-something JAP #2 (drinking bottle of Fiji water): Um, I dunno. That's a good question. But, like, water is negative calories.
--63rd & 1st
Overheard by: RRJr.
She Really Should Be More Supportive
20-something: Whenever my boyfriend says "dude bro" I think he is saying "dude bra," which is troublesome.
20-something's friend, who was focused on ice cream: Wait, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening... Did you say Tim wears a dude bra?
--49th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Ashley
Pimps of The World: That's What *We've* Been Trying To SAY
Ghetto Thug: Pssss! Nigga woman, you got a mad fine piece of ass. Let me get in that, yo. Check it!
Scared Woman: You wish! Get away from me before I go get that cop over there.
Ghetto Thug: Bitch, I's just payin' you a compliment. Shit!
--Jamaica Station, Sutphin Blvd
And I've Already Collected That
Hipster guy: Suck my balls.
Preppy girl: But...you have scabies.
--Grand Central
...You'll Be Proud to Throw Them Over Your Shoulder Like a Continental Soldier
Little girl to mother: Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?
Mother (under breath): You're laughing now, but one day...
--86th & York
Overheard by: Micaela
You Mean My Stabbing Clothes?
Annoyed chick: Okay, we get it, Cara! You're awesome and I suck. Now can you please shut up!
Cara: Not before we talk about what you're wearing.
--14th & University Place
Here It Comes Now
Kid #1: There are three species of ponies.
Kid #2: One with a horn, one without, and mer-ponies who play water polo all day.
Kid #1: And there's also a dragon.
--Rivington & Clinton
Overheard by: Kevin
To Make Quotas, Mark Sold Himself Aggressively
Man in line for next available salesperson at Old Navy: Who wants a piece of this?
Next available salesperson: Next in line?
Man: That's what I'm talking about!
--Old Navy, 6th Ave
That's What Happens When You Use The Vacuum Cleaner As a Sex Toy
Girl: Yes, a boob hickey is called a "bicky". Wait. Did you say her name was Vicky?
Boy: Shut up.
Girl: Your new girlfriend is named after the hickey her dad put on her mom's vagina!
--Prince St
Overheard by: sam
They've Skipped
Conductor #1 on loudspeaker: Let's call the dispatcher and see if we can skip some stops.
Conductor #2 on loudspeaker: I did. They're not picking up.
--Downtown F Train
Overheard by: Maggie
Diary of a Bulimic, the Early Years
Boy: Daddy, can I have Skittles?
Dad: No.
Boy: Why not?
Dad: Cause your tummy hurts, remember?
Boy: But it doesn't hurt now, so can I have it?
Dad: No.
Boy: Daddy, can I have some chips?
--Union Square
Overheard by: white ace rules
Unless It's Stir Fry.
Stranger #1: Now we're movin'! Now we be cookin' with grease!
Stranger #2: What kind? Saturated or unsaturated?
Stranger #1: The kind where you just drop somebody in and fry their ass.
Stranger #2: Oh, I'm not into cannibalism.
--Line, Credit Union, 9th & 31st
Overheard by: bored in a bank
And Then My Guidance Counselor Tells Me I "Lack Planning Skills"?
Ghetto guy: And we had gotten a big group of girlies together to devour, we insatiable.
Ghetto girlfriend: Oh yeah, yeah, I gotcha.
--73rd & 3rd
But You'll Be Gone Too, Right?
Three-year-old girl: Do you get lots of clothes when you die?
Jamaican nanny: No, not at all. Your daddy will be gone, and your mommy will be gone, and your sister will be gone, and your grandma will be gone. You will be all alone.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Louis
...I'll Talk!
Woman: Two words: bikini wax.
Man: No...no!
--80th & York
James Bond Is a Great Spy But a Lousy Roommate
Male hotel guest: That looks like it hurts. Do you need any ice?
Female hotel guest: No, thanks.
Male hotel guest: I better not come home and find him fucking that Russian girl in my room. I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. (whisper) I'm gonna kill him...
--Elevator, Hudson
Stan and Ollie Take the Comedy Train
Older black man (squinting at the map through bifocals): Boy, this train doesn't even *go* to Franklin Street.
Younger black man: Give me my glasses, sit down, and shut the hell up! If you were in charge, we'd be on a 5 train and lost!
--2 Train
Overheard by: 2littlewings
And Yet Every Coke Slut at Columbia Is Nodding Her Head
White stoner chick: Yo, I love Beauty and the Beach. It's got such a like message.
Asian stoner chick: Like, what kind of message?
White stoner chick: About social justice. That's such a stoner thing to say right?
Asian stoner chick: That's such a Vassar stoner thing to say.
--79th & Columbus
So, Ummm, How Much Do You Charge?
Ghetto girl: Fuck you! Get over it.
Old Lady: Fuck you, you ho. Dressed just like a ho, too. I should know. I used to be one. Thirty five years, I was a prostitute. Tell me to get over it. Fuck you.
--95th & Amsterdam
You Know, Where People from San Francisco Go to Buy Drugs
Girl #1: Do you want to see Dave Chapelle?
Girl #2: Oh, I love him, I love him, he's so awesome, god, if I met him, I would just, I don't know, I...
Girl #1: Have you heard that show of his?
Girl #2: Which one?
Girl #1: Oh, I don't know--he talks about Oakland.
--43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Manager: Hmmm. Sales of lace thongs, push-up bras and thigh-high stockings have quintupled recently
Interviewer #1: So, do you deal with a lot of customers on a daily basis?
Young Man: Yes.
Interviewer #2: Tell us about a situation where a customer became irate and how you handled it.
Young Man: Well, I work at Victoria's Secret so I deal with women, mostly. Sometimes, when they need something, they don't want me to help them because I am a man. I just tell them, "You're buying this for your man, so shouldn't a man help you pick out your panties?"
--Commerce Bank, 42nd & 9th
Ironically, the Lights Are Really Advertisements for Anti-Hallucinogens
Tween #1: Look at them lights in the sky. They look like Batman lights.
Tween #2: No, man, that's angels coming from heaven.
Tween #1: No, that's aliens coming down to interrogate us.
--President St & Franklin Ave, Prospect Heights
Overheard by: JvC
Headline by: Michael
Runners-Up:
· "But Both Were Wrong, for It Was Divine George Bush Descending From His Presidency." - AlphaBeta
· "It Was a Street Lamp." - Paul K.
· "Lucas and Spielberg - the Tween Years" - TV
· "Or, As People Out in the Country Call Them, "Stars"" - BabakganoosH
· "Pop Culture - 3: Science - 0" - The Joker
· "Robert Pattinson Gets an Unexpeected Visit After They Take the Aliens to Their Leader" - Tuesday's Intern
· "The Anti-LSD Ads Write Themselves" - Adam B.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But That's Only Because I Feel It Makes My Face Look Thinner
Girl #1: If I had eyebrows they would be raised right now.
Girl #2: Mine sure are.
--23rd & Lexington
Or Your Congressman
Little kid: Mommy, what's peyote?
Mom, looking around nervously: Ummm...ask your father, sweetie.
--F Train
Except the Ones I Walked Uphill in the Snow to Procure
Old woman talking to friend: All these kids care about nowadays is sex and drugs and good times.
20-something girl walking by: Hooray!
Old woman, yelling: Good luck! Good luck to you...see where that gets you! I'm seventy one and I haven't done drugs!
--Bedford Ave & N 7th St
Wednesday One-Liners Fight for Their Right to Potty
Pissing guy on phone: What do you mean you're not going to have sex with me? (entire bathroom laughs hysterically) See! Even these motherfuckers agree with me!
--Bathroom, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Bobby
Dad to young son in bathroom stall: Aim in the bowl. Aim in the bowl. Aim in the bowl. Did you aim in the bowl? Did you aim in the bowl? (son comes out of stall) You did! But you didn't flush. One out of two ain't bad.
--Bathroom, Union Square Movie Theater
(constipation grunts and electronic sounds are heard inside next stall)
Guy in next stall, on walkie-talkie: Hey, Tony, turn the walkie-talkie off when you take a shit!
--Men's Room, Hilton Hotel
Drunk white girl: Oh my god, this bathroom is so dark. How am I supposed to see my vagina?
--East Village
Tall black British guy using the urinal, to himself: Repeat aftah me...you are a rock star! Ah! Yeah!
--5th Avenue
Wednesdays Carry on Behind Their One-Liners' Backs
Guy on cell: You start dating married women, you end up meeting their husbands.
--49th & 6th
Man on cell (guiltless and disinterested): She said I cheated, duh-duh-duh-duh.
--Church St & Barclay
Overheard by: Robert J. Anderson
Female suit on cell: He cheated on me on my 30th birthday in Nantucket and I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Are you ready to give up that lifestyle? He's wealthy and he's gorgeous. I don't want to hear it." But I want someone to be über-attracted to me.
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Dude on cell: Hello? (pause) I told you never to call me on this number. (pause) Because I don't want my wife to find out that we're dating.
--6th Ave & 17th St
Psuedo-gansta to friend: Yo, I would cheat on my wife except then you gotta buy them flowers and chocolate and shit. I'd rather spend money on my wife and be happy at home.
--N Train
Girl on cell, doing laundry: Yeah...and then he says that he has a girlfriend and he doesn't cheat on her...so I said, "Really? Then what was your penis just doing in my mouth?"
--Laundromat, 9th Ave & 53rd St
Overheard by: tinyfoo
"Hello? Pot to Kettle Here. You're Wednesday One-Liners."
Loud, obnoxious man: I hate loud, obnoxious people!
--Nomad Restaurant
Girl with brutal Long Island twang: It's just, like, if you have a Boston accent, you sound, like, so unintelligent. Like, less intelligent than other people, even if you're smart. The accent makes you sound dumb.
--7 Train
Overheard by: IDigGraves94
Angry black woman: Fuck you! I'm a lady!
--Herald Square
Overheard by: Annearchist
Flamboyantly gay man on the phone: Mom, I hate you, stop being such a faggot!
--46th & 5th
Suit on cell: Yeah? Well, she's a bitch and deserves to die. You wanna know why? Because she's ugly and she talks bad about people.
--47th St & 9th Ave
Tourist chick carrying a Starbucks coffee and three shopping bags to friend: We are the type to visit Wall Street and say capitalism is bullshit!
--Broadway & Cedar
Overheard by: mondoman
Wednesday Fa La La La Liners
Nerdy middle aged white woman to postal clerk: Yes, I'd like just one sheet of the Disney, and one of the Kwanzaa.
--Cathedral Station Post Office
Overheard by: Emily B.
Woman yelling down a stairwell: Happy holidays to you, ma'am! Hope you choke on a candy cane!
--Central Park South
Overheard by: Daisy Mae
Girl: One morning, I woke up and I thought it was Christmas. Then I went outside and I realized it's not Christmas!
--57th & Columbus
Overheard by: Have a holly jolly Columbus Day?
Irish tourist woman: You went to Macy's? Did you see outside? They have black Santas here.
--Brendan's Bar
Overheard by: Danny
Old guy scanning tickets, singing quietly to self after each bar code beep: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way...
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!
Conductor on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we will be arriving shortly. In case you haven't finished your Christmas shopping, feel free to stop by the Metro North booth. You could buy a 10-trip for the kids, a weekly for the wife, or a one-way for the in-laws. Merry Christmas.
--Metro North
Overheard by: Christmas Spirit
Shade-Grown, Slow-Roasted Wednesday One-Liners
Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."
--86th St & Lexington
Overheard by: TINA
Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!
--Duane Reade
Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?
--PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Torgo61
Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!
--Arthur Avenue
Overheard by: eternal student
Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.
--Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St
Hannibal the Wednesday One-Liner
Guy on bench smoking cigarette, on cell: But he has no problem lifting his legs so you can eat his ass.
--Central Park
Cornrowed boy to cornrowed girl: Stop chewing on me!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Kelly D
Random girl showing a picture to friends: I'm eating the baby's head. It's what I do in my spare time.
--College of Staten Island
Overheard by: Nameless
Woman to another with colored contacts: I just want to eat your eyes!
--Elevator, Broadway & 32nd St
Four-year-old boy to teenage babysitter: Oh, yeah? I'm gonna bite your vagina!
--86th & Broadway
Woody Allen lookalike: But buses are so creepy. I mean, what if there are cannibals on the bus?
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: or snakes
C'mon a My Wednesday One-Liner!
Man on phone: Come down the road and I'm the first house that you do not see.
--Office Building, W 46th St
Overheard by: TheGreenCat
Black woman on cell: Don't fuck in ma house!
--Union Square Station
10-year-old boy to another: Yeah, my mom says I can fuck a girl in her house, as long as she ain't a skanky-ass ho.
--105th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andy
Girl to friend: We can't hang out at my house. I don't know anyone there anymore.
--125th & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Guy cycling past very fast, to cycling companion: So he bought a whole house just to store pot?
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: peeper
City cop to two homeless guys: If your house is worth like $200,000, you can probably only get a equity loan for like $100,000. (homeless guys nod their heads in agreement)
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: E
Wednesday One-Liners Appeal the Restraining Order
Jamaican woman on cell: Guess what? I don't stalk people anymore!
--Metro-North Train
Overheard by: Kristen
Guy to another: I know where you live. I could totally stalk you.
--PATH Train
Overheard by: fish
Man on corner holding many whistles for sale, wearing multicolored, umbrella hat: Young man, get one for your skateboard. Great for bikers, joggers, walkers, fast talkers and park stalkers!
--59th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Emily
Woman on cell: Right, right...I want to show him that's not me: I'm *not* stalking him...I'm *not* obsessed with him.
--West 66 Street & Freedom Place
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
40-something woman to sister (waiting for Daniel Radcliffe to come out after first preview of Equus: Okay, let's go. It's okay. I saw him last week, and I know where he lives.
--Broadhurst Theatre
Overheard by: ouch, you just elbowed me in the face, bitch
Wednesday One-Liner Pull the Trigger With Their Toes
Cheerful man with baby strapped to his chest: Lets all go stick our heads in the microwave!
--77th & Broadway
Overheard by: rachel
40-something man: They just upped my credit limit to $3,500, so on top of the few hundred I have saved up, I guess you could call me a ghetto millionaire... (later) So she's all depressed and wants to kill herself, says she's gonna jump off something. I told her, "Girl, you live in Duluth. You jump off anything there, the only thing that'll happen is you'll break your leg.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: He later used my shoulder as a pillow
Girl on cell: What a fucking selfish bitch. I can't believe she did that. I mean, I know she was like depressed or whatever, but you don't just hang yourself at your ex-boyfriend's house. (pause) No, I'm sorry, you don't just wait for everyone to go to sleep, sneak out, and hang yourself so then everyone has to find you like that. What a bitch.
--Megabus NYC
Overheard by: Tina
MTA employee, in between ordering food: They're all jumping on the tracks now. Everybody's committing suicide. They used to wait until Christmas. Now it's every day!
--Restaurant, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: Abbieprime
Wednesday One-Liners Are Waiting for the Tooth Fairy
Lady on cell: I've been standing here for like fifteen minutes...I don't know which one to choose. It's so hard...it's been like years since I've bought toothpaste.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: Doreen
40-something woman: I'm always wondering, is it teeth or tits?
--MJ Armstrong's Public House
Overheard by: JP
Girl to friends looking into camera: Jane* got the foreskin stuck in her teeth.
--Grand St, Brooklyn
Mother to daughter: Your tooth came out last night. I didn't want to disturb you, but at least you have your other teeth in.
--Hester & Grand
Flustered strand employee: He left his teeth on the floor and just took off!
--Strand Bookstore, 12th St & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners-- IQ: 180 Social Skills: -57
Professor: Why do people take drugs? Because their lives suck. That's right...all of you.
--Manhattan College
Chemistry professor, discussing quantum physics: If you beat on something hard enough, you can get it to do what you want!
--St. John's University, New York City
Property professor, after playing Barbra Streisand's version of "Not While I'm Around": Now, is that the same song as Steven Sondheim's version in Sweeney Todd?? (dreamily) Well, when Barbra Streisand does a song...is it ever the same song?
--St. John's Law School
Overheard by: Cori
Professor: If Obama wins the election, I'll buy you all beer.
--The Cooper Union
Professor: So the way Saint Augustine broke the Lord's commandment not to steal (nobody in class is listening) Was all just his way of honoring the Lord's law, by creating his own. It's sort of like when you have a child that's not allowed to stay up past nine but he knows his parents can stay up as late as they want, so in an act of rebellion he smears his shit all over the walls.
--NYU
Professor: Now, for your presentations, there is a time limit. If you go over nine minutes, I will cut you. (silent pause) ...off.
--City College of New York
Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Transitional Phase
Conductor (after a few minutes waiting at signal): One of those trains better hurry it up and move it, I have better things to do.
--N Train
Conductor: Across the platform is an express 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (after a few stops) There is an express 2 train across the platform. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.
--1 Train
Overheard by: motivated
Cheerful conductor: Welcome to the station formerly known as Prince!
--R Train
Conductor: We are now arriving at Grand Central. This is our final stop. We're six minutes early, so now you can't say anything bad about us.
--Metro North Train
Overheard by: Angela
Conductor: That is a 1 train and all trains are running express. Another local won't run til 5 am Monday. You can wait but we don't serve dinner or breakfast, and I'm all out of sleeping bags.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Steve
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the train's emergency brakes have been activated for some reason. The train operator is going to walk around the train and check if there's a...body, or something, under the train. After that, we'll be able to move!
--C Train
Overheard by: Patient Passenger
Train conductor: Last call for the 10:00 local...last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...blastoff!
--Metro North
Overheard by: to mount kisco, and BEYOND!
If You Can Get the Cops Here in Two Minutes, I'll Go Quietly
Greyhound bus driver woman: Man, you best get out of this Greyhound only parking.
Tour bus driver: We're only doing a drop-off! We'll be out of here in two minutes.
Greyhound bus driver woman: Boy! You better get your skank-ass bus out of here before I get the po-leece. I run this city!
--Chelsea Piers
Overheard by: Kait
Or a Volkswagen Bug!
(car honks repeatedly at pedestrians crossing against the light and speeds through)
Girl #1: Enough! Ugh! Was that a Prius?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Pfft. If you gonna boss me around, at least do it in a manly car. Like a Civic.
Girl #2: Oh! Or an Acura!
--Mercer & W 3rd St
It's Like a Happy Ending, but You Contract HIV
Older Asian gentleman: A Gigilo?
Younger Asian gentleman: Yeah, a gigilo is a male prostitute.
--53rd & 5th
These Days You Have to Leave the United States for Good Old-Fashioned New York Rudeness
Burly Hispanic guy in Army uniform: Hey, dude, you have a napkin stuck to the bottom of your shoe.
Burly black guy covered in menacing tattoos: Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.
--A Train
I Smell Sitcom!
Drunk high-class hooker: I wanna tell you a joke.
Drunk suit: Okay, what is it?
Drunk high-class hooker: What is the definition of "indefinitely"?
Drunk suit: I dunno, what?
Drunk high-class hooker: When your balls are against my ass, you're in... definitely!
--Del Frisco's Steak House
Overheard by: the itis
Only Apprentice Hoboes Believe Nagging Helps
Hobo: Excuse me, can you spare some change? I'm homeless.
Man: Sorry, I don't have any.
Hobo: But I'm homeless. Did you hear me? I'm homeless! Can you spare some change?
--W 4th & 9th St
Especially Right After She Takes It Out of His Ass
Girlfriend: Oh man, this soda tastes like my foot!
Boyfriend: How do you know what your foot tastes like? It could be delicious.
Girlfriend: Why do you always have to contradict me? I think it's a pretty accurate guess that my foot would not be too appetizing, Christ!
--Washington Square Park
But Enough About Barbie...
High school chick #1: I like her, she's pretty.
High school chick #2: Isn't she, like, stupid?
High school chick #1: Yeah, she's pretty stupid.
--Central Park, Outside Delacorte Theater
Some Couples Really Struggle to Find Commonalities
Woman #1: I don't like being spit on. Do you like being spit on?
Woman #2: No, I don't like being spit on.
--5th Ave, Brooklyn
I Hope You Sprayed Some Windex on It First
Ghetto Dominican guy: So I woke up and I was covered in blood, I broke my face on the soap dish.
Ghetto Dominican girl: Oh my god! Did you go get stitches?
Ghetto Dominican guy: No, nigga! I put duct tape on that shit, I cure myself!
--Queens
Except for Tuesdays, When I'm Half Navajo.
Mom: Why don't you want to go to that high school?
White daughter: Because there are too many black people.
Mom: I thought you were black...
White daughter: Yeah, I used to be black by association, but now I'm Puerto Rican.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: DL
Fair Enough
Skanky woman: If you've got so many phones, why do you never call me?
Skanky man, shouting: Because I'm a drug addict!
--Union Square
Overheard by: dionneloftus
Just Asking for a Tiny-Package Comeback
Dude: Looks like that chick forgot to put her tits on today. (the three stare and laugh)
--Outside Whole Foods, Union Square
The Skank with Universal Appeal
Guy #1: Shit! I wanna tea-bag that skank.
Guy #2: I know!
Guy #2's girlfriend: Me too, definitely.
--Duane Reade
Gotta Admit, He's Mad Crackerish
Really white guy (loudly): Who is that fucking nigger you're working for now?
Another white guy: Pleasant....so do you live around here now?
Really white guy: Yeah, this is my hood.
--Deli, Greenpoint Ave / Manhattan Ave
Overheard by: Jesse
"And When You Give Them Your Car Keys, And Your ATM Card"
Buxom Blonde: One night stands can be really hot, it's great for a night of fun.
Male Date: You know what's even hotter? When you don't know their name and you never talk to them again.
Blonde: Yeah, and when you give them $200 at the end of the night.
Male: Yeah, that's really hot.
--Decibel Sake Bar
Overheard by: cara
Rarely has the argument for making Puerto Rico a state been so succinctly put.
Young Puerto Rican: I am so American! you're American if you born in Puerto Rico!
Young Puerto Rican friend: No, you ain't American, nigga!
--Smith & Bergen, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sara astrid
No One Else Has Problems Like We Do!
Young woman #1: Oh my god, I have to have this handbag. Isn't it gorgeous?
Young woman #2: Oh my god, yes it is! You have to buy it.
Young woman #1: Oh, I am so buying it. I only hope my Kate Spade doesn't get jealous.
--Coach Store, Madison Ave.
Gets Complicated When It's Her Turn to Bring the Snacks to Play-Group
Random guy: She still breastfeeds her kids.
Random girl: How old are they?! Like 4 or 5?
Random guy: 9 years old.
Random girl: What!? That's ridiculous.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Teresa
This New Cum Rinse Is Hardly Worth It!
Leggy blond: Maybe it isn't spit.
Short brunette: Sniff my hair.
Leggy blond: What?
Short brunette: I said, "sniff my hair"!
Leggy blond: No!
(short brunette glares, leggy blonde sniffs her ponytail)
Short brunette: What does it smell like?
Leggy blond: Shampoo.
Short brunette: Dammit!
--The Kooks Concert, Terminal 5
Like, What's with the Stiletto Galoshes?
Girl #1: Wow, my rain poncho is longer than my skirt.
Girl #2: That's because you're a slut.
--Bard High School Early College
Not Even the Women's Studies Professor Is Safe From Gina and Ashley's Critique
Student #1: I don't know why that bitch has such a big ego, she's fucking ugly.
Student #2: Yeah, I know, but she thinks she's Paris Hilton or some shit.
Student #1: She's probably getting fucked by some loser.
--St. John's University
Overheard by: kapnasty
Headline by: Leema
Runners-Up:
· "...And Taping It to Launch Her "Career"" - LOLa
· "And I'm Taping It" - Victor
· "Hey, Don't Call My Dad a Loser!" - PeterG
· "How Guys Interpret the Twilight Books" - john
· "Just Another Day Behind the Scenes Of "The View"" - Yobojo
· "Throw in a Chihuahua and a Coke Habit..." - someday, I could be that loser
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Like to Listen to Nirvana
Woman #1: Were your parents Buddhists?
Woman #2: No, they just went through some rough times.
--Forest Park, Queens
I Think I'm Turning Mathematical, I Really Think So
Teen guy #1: I need a Japanese tutor. I found this guy for $35 for like an hour and a half; it's a really good deal 'cuz it's usually like $50 for an hour.
Teen guy #2: Math tutors are the best.
Teen guy #1: But I need a Japanese tutor.
Teen guy #2: Yeah, but math tutors are the best deal.
--E Train
Overheard by: legume
Except That I Am Not Having Enough of It
Drunk old man: Ain't nothing wrong with hot butt naked sex! Ain't nothing wrong with it, am I right?
Passing teen girl: Nothing!
--10th & Ave B
Overheard by: In Agreement
And He Barely Has Any Open Sores on His Face
Surprised Teen, after a lengthy conversation between her friend and guy friend: He's gay?
Friend: Mmmhmm...
Surprised Teen: Can't be! He's soooo nice!
--Penn Station
Little Did She Know, How Close She Actually Came to Catching "Hobo"
Hobo: Yo baby, I'll give you this dollar if you give me that Coke.
Woman (holding a half-empty bottle of Diet Coke): Uh, no.
Hobo: Then at least go out to dinner with me!
Woman: No.
Hobo: Bitch, I'm a self-made millionaire! Fuck you!
Woman (walking away quickly): I knew I shouldn't have made eye contact.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Britta
And If It Turns Out It Was Your Daughter? She's Dead
MTA worker: Back in the day, cops let those gangs use all kinds of shit--chains, knives, pipes--but no guns. These days I'm afraid to let my son go out.
Young mom: Shit, you gotta be afraid for your daughter--some bitch tried to stab me two days ago!
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: conspicuous white guy
It's Funny Because They Aren't Gay
Jacked Guido #1: We goin tanning tonight?
Jacked Guido #2: I gotta get my eyebrows done first. (looks into a compact)
--Bowling Green
Overheard by: Victor J D.
Spoken Like Someone Who's Never Seen a Cabbie Drive
Daughter: Okay. So we've got to take the n uptown. It should be arriving on this track soon.
Tourist mom: But that sign says the n goes to Queens. I don't wanna to to Queens.
Daughter: Yes, it goes to Queens but we're getting off way before then. It just ends in Queens, don't worry.
Tourist mom: Don't worry?! The sign says the n goes to Queens. And that it's an express! An express to Queens?! I don't think so. Let's just go take a cab...it'll be safer.
--Herald Square Subway Station
Overheard by: vmorgs
Gosh I Love Parent-Teacher Conferences
Man: Don't worry, when your up there shakin' your booty, ain't nobody gonna be lookin' at your stomach!
Woman: You're right.
--Borough Hall Courtyard
Overheard by: Nacona
But It Conflicts with Transgender Mime Canasta Night!
Skinny gay guy #1: Oh, I can't. It's drag queen puppet bingo night.
Skinny gay guy #2: It's the only one in town! We can't miss it!
--44th & 9th
Yeah, Accommodating Your Capricious Food Cravings Was Really Fun
Middle aged woman: And I smoked weed, like, ever day last summer.
Daughter: I'm shocked, mom.
Middle aged woman: Oh, so you thought I was fun naturally?
--Central Park
The Day Monique Got Run Over
Elegantly dressed French lady, speaking to New York Bus Service representative: Excuse me, when does the bus arrive?
Overweight representative, screaming: The port authoritah bus come 'erry ha'f hour!
Elegantly dressed French lady (pausing and turning to French friend): Wow. And I thought my English sucked.
--Terminal One, JFK
Overheard by: James
I Don't Know, I Still Can't Figured Out What Possessed Me to Cum in It
Girl #1: Did you get tested for AIDS?
Girl #2: Yes, but they haven't gotten back to me yet.
Girl #1: Dammit! Why did i drink from your water bottle?
--74th & Riverside
Overheard by: a fox
Did He Used To Tell You To Burn Things?
Man on date: I probably shouldn't tell you this, but since I was little I had an imaginary friend named Picoletto.
Woman he's dating: Holy shit! You know Pico!
--McDonald's, Times Square
Overheard by: JP
Finally, Someone She Understands
Asian Guy #1: You know what I wanna watch?
Ditzy Asian Teen: What?
Asian Guy #1: Talladega Nights.
Asian Guy #2: The story of a man who could only count to one!
Ditzy Asian Teen: Really? There's a story like that?
--68th & Lexington
Overheard by: dog run
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