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They're Usually Driven by White People, Right?
Fordham freshman girl to others: So how far is it from Fordham road to Bloomingdale's?
Black passer-by: Vanilla, vanilla, vanilla! I love white girls!
Fordham freshman girl: Let's take a cab.
--Fordham Road
White Guys Are So Cute
Cute suit #1: I'm getting ready for tonight. This is my new move. (mimes animalistic dance)
Cute suit #2: I like it, I like it. It's very Teen Wolf.
--7th Ave E Station
Overheard by: NatalyaPetrovna
Closed the Deal, Though
Model-looking chick: Hey, sorry I'm late. I had to work extra hours at work today.
Not-so-model-looking chick: No problem, that sounds like it sucked, what did you have to stay after for?
Model-looking chick: Oh, I fucked my client.
--13th St b/w 1st & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: smoking on your stoop has its uses
And Her Uvula
Flamboyant gay man: This is like when we saw Equus.
Lesbian biker chick: Oh, I forgot you saw that! How was it?
Flamboyant gay man: It was good. Except the actress puts her leg up on the horse like this (demonstrates by lifting his leg in the air) and I could totally see her tonsils...through her vajayjay.
--E Train
Overheard by: Sarah
Raise Your Hand If You're Rooting for These Crazy Kids to Get Back Together
Man: I am not so sure about us getting married again.
Woman: But...
Man: When we were married the first time, you were in hospital for eight weeks and me's in jail two years.
Woman: Ha. Yeah.
Man: I am not so sure we should be getting married again.
Woman: True.
(both laugh)
--L Train
You're Still Coming Over for Thanksgiving, Right?
Hobo (screaming): Steve! Steve!
Teen guy to girl: Hold on one second. (walks back to homeless man) Hey, man! How are you?
Hobo: I'm good. How's your dad doing?
Teen guy: He's good, I'll say hi to him for you.
--90th & Madison
Overheard by: only in New York
I Do Now
High school girl #1: Oh my god, I hate her, like, I have never hated anyone more.
High school girl #2: I know! She is such a slut. (pause) We're talking about Chantel, right?
High school girl #1: No, I was talking about Lacey. (pause) You think Chantel is a slut?
--Outside MoMA
Nobody Can
Girl #1: Yeah, and I read that Hitler didn't really make the trains run on time. You know how they say he made them run on time? He didn't. They were always late. I read a study.
Girl #2: Of course! Because Nazis are evil! Evil people can't make trains run on time!
--Ladies' Room, Office Holiday Party
Ad: This Explanation Is Brought to You by the MTA As a Public Service
20-something woman: You know a lot of people are busy. Too busy to talk to you.
20-something man: What do you mean?
20-something woman: If you tried to talk to me when I got off the train, I would keep walking.
20-something man: Why?
20-something woman: Some people work hard and are too busy to talk to you. I am one of them.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Paula
I Want to Be an Essential, Not an Accessory
Guy #1: I think impotency is one of my greatest fears.
Guy #2: Sex with no potency is pointless. Take the venom out of a snake, whaddaya got? A belt!
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Anna P.
Nobody Likes Being Left Out
Hobo: What's in the bag, lady?
Rich lady: Oh, nothing. You wouldn't want it.
Hobo: What is it?
Rich lady: It's nothing. Just soap.
Hobo: I want soap!
--University Place
Overheard by: Todd S.
In a Big Red Suit?
Upset three-year-old: I wanna see the balloons go up in the sky!
Father: We'll see it all on tv in the morning and guess who will be at the end of the parade. He's a very very special guest.
Upset three-year-old (now sobbing): Barack Obama.
--81st & Columbus (Macy's Balloon Inflation Site)
Overheard by: Not having children for a long time
Is That Why You and Mommy Have Handcuffs?
Father to child standing in shopping cart: Suzie, sit down in the cart, standing isn't safe and it breaks the rules.
Suzie: No!
Father, heading towards checkout and spotting police officer fiddling with handcuffs: You see that policeman? If you don't sit down he's going to take you to jail. Oh look, he's taking out his handcuffs and he's going to arrest you now. (Suzie sits immediately)
--Kmart, Astor Place
In the Ladies' Room, There's a Harpsichordist and a Magical Angel Who Washes Your Hands for You.
(in crowded bathroom)
Bathroom attendant: Okay fellas, hurry it up, stop talking, just piss, give me a dollar, wash your hands and get out.
Random alchi: What? Hell no, I ain't tipping you.
Bathroom attendant: Then lick your fingers!
--72nd & Columbus
Where They Don't Even Have Lettuce
(large group of rowdy ghetto teens gets on train, one sits and begins eating a hamburger)
Girl: Yo, why do white people be thinkin' niggas like tomato on they sandwich?
Guy friend: I dunno.
(girl begins throwing lettuce and tomato on the ground)
Old man across the train: You're disgusting!
Girl: Hey, fuck you!
Guy friend: Yo, he just called you disgusting!
Girl: Well, he can kiss my ass!
Guy friend: Them's fightin' words on my block.
Old man, exiting train: Oh, go back to ghetto, you piece of shit!
Girl: That's exactly where we goin', muthafucker!
--6 Train
Overheard by: ahhh, New York
...in Bed
Girl #1: You know Alex?
Girl #2: Yeah, he loves me, but not in a sexual way. He just thinks I'm awesome.
--Dorm Elevator, Columbia University
Overheard by: Chopin's Edna
Men Cast Off Women Like Empty Seed Pods
Girl: So how's your cougar?
Guy: She's good.
Girl: What is she, 50?
Guy: 52.
Girl: And you're...32?
Guy: 34.
Girl: She ever been married?
Guy: Divorced. That's how I got right in there.
Girl: So is this, like, something serious? Like a forever thing?
Guy: No! I mean, I want kids, and she keeps getting these heat flashes. You know?
--L Train
And Got Hooked on Their, Um, Phonics
Blond: How do you spell "Columbus"? Is it with a "u"?
Brunette: Yeah.
Blond: Right, it's the country that is spelled the other way.
(pause)
Brunette: You know I never recognized the two were spelled different until you just asked that.
Blond: I only know because I slept with Colombians.
--A Train
Not to Mention Website Editors
Bartender: You're in it, right?
Customer: Yeah. I usually do work when I drink. I need to be drunk when I code. Strippers and programmers...I don't know why.
--P&G Bar
Overheard by: Holiday Guts!
Learned All About That in College
Woman #1: So, you ever have one of your guy friends crash at your place and then try to make a move on you?
Woman #2: Of course.
Woman #1: I mean, I'm in my bed and he's in the living room on the couch, and suddenly he's there trying to kiss me and slip his hand up my shirt. I was like, "What the hell, dude, I thought you were gay!"
Woman #2: I know. I always kick them out, right there and then.
Woman #3: But sometimes, I'm so drunk, I just go with it, you know?
--Fiddlesticks Bar
Yes, of Course
Attractive 30-something woman: Hi! How have you been?
Aged 40-something man: Good, good. So, are you still married?
Attractive 30-something woman: Yes, of course.
Aged 40-something man: Eh, had to ask.
--Steps On Broadway
...In the 1800s
Girl: Oh my god, I just found out that my high school drama teacher has been sleeping with the kid who's the star in all of the shows.
Boy: Shit!
Girl: Yeah, I heard they're both in jail now or something.
Boy: That's like the time that family in my town had those slaves.
--Crowded Elevator, NYU
Overheard by: confused
Close, That's Courtney Love
(at Thanksgiving Parade, Santa's float is coming)
Grandma: Everyone's screaming, it must be someone big!
Little kid: It's Britney Spears!
--40th St & 7th Ave
Mom Refuses to Accept New York on Its Own Terms
Excited young girl pointing at subway sign: That says "subway"!
Mother, dismissively: No, it doesn't.
--Union Square
...for You
Creepy guy: So, how much hair do you have up there?
Fuzzy-haired chick with hair in a bun: Yeah, if I don't braid it at night, it's all...
Creepy guy: Ho, I like it. I want to crawl in and make a nest there.
Fuzzy-haired chick: Yeah, that would be cool.
--The Strand
Overheard by: stephie
...Hint, Hint
Male suit: Want to hear my latest economic thing?
Woman: Yes.
Male suit: I'm not going to get Starbucks anymore, unless someone else is paying.
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: max
Which Is Full Of Men I'd Fuck
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL.
Skinny Asian guy: I don't think he's the best, but he's pretty good.
Attractive, tall guy: He's no Joe Montana.
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: That's bullshit, he's the best ever, and you can't really argue that point. Just look at how many touchdowns he has.
Skinny Asian guy: Man, you are in love with him, it's a little scary.
Supposedly straight guy from Boston (completely serious): I am, I would totally let him fuck me if he would let me hang out with him...I would be the man.
Skinny Asian guy: I thought you were straight?
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: Fuck you! I am straight but that doesn't mean I can't bang Tom Brady. I wouldn't give him oral though, I don't think.
Overweight Hispanic guy drinking appletini: Football sucks compared to soccer.
--45th & Madison
Anything for a Laugh, You Know?
Blonde girl: I saw that really handsome guy on the bus yesterday, and I was so happy cuz I haven't seen him in a month. I actually got really close to him, too. But the worst thing happened.
Brunette girl: Oh, that like, 40-year-old hot guy? What, was he like, hideously disfigured up close or something? Did he smell like bologna?
Blonde girl: No. He was gorgeous and perfect as usual. It was much worse. I was listening to my iPod, and I noticed he was talking on the phone. I turned my iPod down to hear his voice, finally, and it...it was not good.
Brunette girl: Not god?
Blonde girl: It was like fucking Ray Romano. With the honk and the accent and the shrill nasal whine! I wanted to die! I wanted to die.
--R Train
You've Never Heard Of the Pillsbury Doughboy?
Mother: He doesn't have any bones in his legs.
Teenage daughter: Nuh-uh! What does he do?
Mother: He goes all around the world, spreading joy to everyone.
--48th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jess
Sure Hope Carlos Likes Kool-Aid
Black guy: Damn! You got a pretty face!
(pretty Latina turns around and ignores him)
Black guy (taking seat halfway down train): Dang! How you going to turn around on me like that?
(pretty Latina ignores him)
Black guy (very loudly): How are you going to turn around like that?
(pretty Latina now looks embarrassed)
Black guy (pulling out guitar from case): This song goes out to the girl with the pretty face! She's over there! With the long hair and the boots!
(people turn and look, pretty Latina looks very embarrassed now)
Black guy (singing to tune of "My Girl"): Come on everyone! Even the white people--join in! (sings) I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside, I've got the month of may.
(people start to join in, pretty Latina's friends are cheering and singing)
Black guy (singing): My girl! She's got black boots! The one with the long hair! C'mon girl! If you let me take you home...I'll...I'll...make you some Kool-Aid!
(pretty Latina gets off train)
Black guy: Ah, hell no! (pause). Alright, this one's for the guy with the ball! (pointing to guy with soccer ball under arm) His name's Carlos! He's from Puerto Rico!
--2 Train
We Should Have a Sale
Guy #1: Your mind is full of junk information!
Guy #2: Well, you keep rummaging in it, so that makes you a bum.
--Rivington & Ludlow
Um, That's Elizabeth Taylor
Kid at SantaCon : Mom, what kind of Santa is that?
Mom: Well honey, it looks like a furry snow disco Elvis Santa.
--Madison & 35th
Overheard by: Colleen
Wouldn't That Be Statuary Rape?
Guy, looking at Greek marble sculptures: Hey, did you ever notice that a lot of these guys are missing their penises?
Girl: I think that has to do with early Christian sanctions on pagan idols.
Guy: Oh. (pauses) I thought someone out there just had a really big dildo collection.
--The Met
Me Too, Whitney. Me Too.
Preteen girl #1: I love our names. Can you imagine if you were named something boring, like Sarah?
Preteen girl #2: I know, right?
Preteen girl #1: It's like, you call a friend and she tells you she's on the other line with Sarah and you're like "Which Sarah? A, b, c, d or e?" and she tells you, "No, Sarah R."
Preteen girl #2: Ugh. That reminds me. I hate Sarah R.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Pretty Sneaky How You Explained Your Prison Sentence As a "Bible Retreat," Though
Preppy tween #1: You know, I really should try to get my grades up.
Preppy tween #2: Why's that?
Preppy tween #1: Well, if I did better in school my parents probably wouldn't think I was going out and having sex and doing drugs all the time.
--1 Train
And Then I Was Like, "Now What?"
Construction worker with Long Island accent: Man, I finally found Waldo the other day.
Construction worker #2: Yeah?
Construction worker with Long Island accent: Tall, striped shirt, weird shoes. And I was like, "there's Waldo!"
--2 Train
Overheard by: Waldo's alter-ego
Why, Grandmother, What Big Wednesday One-Liners You Have!
Dude to girl: Just yesterday I was smoking a joint and my grandma was all "that smells good, Johnny, that smells good."
--Hop Scotch Cafe
Overheard by: bildita
Girl: Speaking of back-door entry, my grandma sent me an e-mail the other day.
--A Train
Overheard by: naiad
Woman: He's just lucky I learned some tricks from his great grandma.
--Dekalb Ave & Ashland Place
Guy to girl: You look like one of them li'l ass frilly dolls my grandma have on her bed. Cute. (girl stares) What, I'm not gonna get a thank-you for that?
--Canal St.
Overheard by: The
Girl to friend: And so my grandmother was that mail order bride!
--Beauty Salon, East Village
Overheard by: moca
Wednesday One-Liners Will Swallow for Diamonds
Mother to five-year-old daughter: That's why she's a very smart woman. She married a very rich man for exactly that reason.
--University Place &10th St
Overheard by: evanescent
Homeless man to little boy with parents: Ask your mama why she marry your daddy. She'll tell you it was for the money.
--Statue of Liberty
Sorority girl to another: So like, do you think Brad makes good investments?
--53rd & 1st
Asian girl on cell: It's like I have a sign that says "trophy wife" written across my forehead, and then they find out I'm 22 and the sign is suddenly in neon.
--Tribeca
Girl on cell: No, you remember, I'm going to be a gold-digger! It's like a hooker, but smarter.
--NYU Classroom
Q: What's Black and White and Red All Over? A: An Embarrassed Wednesday One-Liner
Girl to friend: Oh, my God, I think I just left the most embarrassing thing in the bathroom.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: V
Woman to roommate: When we get home, we'll have embarrassing sexual accidents!
--Pathmark, Massapequa
Overheard by: Are they really accidents if you plan ahead?
Nerdy TA: The thesis talk is kind of like the sex talk. It's a little embarrassing, no one really wants to give it, but it'll make you grow as adults.
--Columbia University
Girl to friend: I'm not embarrassed that I peed in his bed. I'm just not.
--Columbia University
Girl on cell: I saw it and I thought, "how embarrassing would it be riding on a bike with a nun."
--Grand Central
Overheard by: galgal
Wednesday One-Liners for the Thirteen-Year-Old in Everyone
Girl to friend: Whenever I get a really big booger, I feed it to the dog.
--Apartment Building, Midtown
Girl: And the doctor asked if she'd gone down on anyone lately, and she said "yeah, and when I was doing it, all these little bumps kept falling off in my mouth," and the doctor said "you have genital warts in your throat."
--L Train
Overheard by: atrain
Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all into his friend's mouth. We were dry heaving. But everyone just looked at us weird.
--1st & 15th
Overheard by: Angela
Preteen boy on cell: (belches) Huh? (belches again, loudly) What did you say? I can't hear you, I'm burping.
--77th & 2nd
Girl to friend: My dad would say, "don't send her chocolate, it makes mucus."
--W 24th St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Wednesday One-Liners Love the Skin They're In
Skinny pale male hippie with hair in top knot, to friend, calmly: I'm going to lose my brain. A piece of my brain.
--E.11th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Liz
Man on cell: Yeah, he crossed the line. Then, when he started talking about my wife's anatomy I was just disgusted.
--31st Parking Garage
Thug, about his baby son: So, I'm lookin' at this kid. I be lookin' at him real hard. He got everything I got! Square head, the shoulders, the flat feet, everything! Straight down to the penis!
--Staten Island Ferry
Out of towner to friend: I just want to let you know your armpit is making my wrist very warm right now.
--3 Train
Overheard by: there are worse places you could put that, I guess...
Man to friends: He empties his mind into your face.
--5th Ave & 11th St
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Know How to Quit You
Tough guy on cell: Yeah, I was at the gay bah. It was two for ones. Whaddayou gonna do? Two for ones!
--Houston & Avenue A
Homeless man in subway station: Gay sex was invented to avoid child support.
--53rd St Subway Station
Overheard by: Billy
Woman on cell: Let me tell you something about this new generation of guys in New York: All gay.
--W 31st & Broadway
Overheard by: A passing gay man
Woman to husband: Not just a gay, but a heroin sheep gay.
--Broadway & 8th
Overheard by: TR
Cop to drunk: Who cares if you're gay? That doesn't give you the right to climb the fire escape.
--W 20th
Wednesday One-Liner Menthols
Suit to another, on smoking break: Cigarettes are out, cookies are in!
--33rd & Park Ave
Teen boy: I wanna take up smoking just to prove to people how easy it is to quit. Seriously, it's not that hard. Just don't buy a pack.
--74th & Lexington
Bum to another: And so the cops went in and found them... And you know they can't arrest them for smokin' that shit...it's part of their religion!
--23rd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
Professor: The only reason valuable reason to start smoking is if you were molested as a child or some shit like that.
--Marymount Manhattan College
Girl on phone: So my roommate was bitching at me this morning for walking around in my underwear and I was like, "Dude, you got laid last night, I got yelled at by my booty call's girlfriend. I deserve to smoke cigarettes half naked on my patio."
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: innocent bystander
High school kid: Yo, I would smoke a cigarette dipped in toothpaste!
--Chambers St
Wednesday One-Liners Tartare
Waspy girl to gaggle of friends: You know, medium-rare is, like, totally the new medium. You know what I mean? (friends stare blankly) No, I guess you wouldn't.
--6 Train
Overheard by: I Like Mine Bleeding
B&T CSR: Pork killed my father.
--80 Pine St
Overheard by: It's me
Stroller-pushing mom to friend: I gotta do something about her leg! It looks like freeze-dried meat.
--DeKalb & Washington, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Morning Glory
NYU girl to friend: My hair smells like meat.
--NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: evanescent
Girl to friend: This is my pi system: it's like a sausage.
--NYU Classroom
Man to can of corned beef: God, you understand me so well.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: Murphy
Wednesday One-Liners Rob the Cradle
Teen: I'm 14 years old and I'm still a virgin...how sick is that??
--Simon Baruch Middle School
Overheard by: the art major
Random old guy: The only thing I like more than children is more children.
--Barnes & Noble, 83rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Maianess
20-something guy to friend, casually: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl doesn't want a relationship.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: rachelandkaceyfuckup
Hipster girl to a group of friends: I can't date him. It would be like dating a kid, and not like in a really good way. (awkward silence) Uhm, not that there is a really good way to date a kid.
--Grand Central Station
Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can't do that to a guy! That's child molestation!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: inching away
Professor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a carnival operating the kiddie rides. (laughs) And no! I never became a pedophile!
--Wagner College
Overheard by: good to know
Freshly-Minted Wednesday One-Liners
Annoying Jersey girl on cell: I'm not frugal. I'm, like, not frugal with a vengeance. I, like, refuse to consider money.
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: Hobo
Columbia University administrator: It gets difficult to manage finances as your endowment reaches the size of the GDP of a small country.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Senatore
Bike messenger (yelling): Could anybody spare $50,000?
--6th Ave & 20th St
Overheard by: thiess
Man: I mean, what does does she *really* get out of riding a five thousand dollar scooter?
--Outside Think Coffee
Overheard by: nemily
Suit on cell: You see, the thing with money counters is they jam...and when you are in a roomful of illiterate afghans, there's 8 million on the table and they mistrust you.
--Mercer & Grand
Professor: I bet none of you wrote that in your admissions essay. "I want money." Actually, that might be successful. They might think, "hey, that's pretty cool, they're telling the truth."
--NYU Law
Holy Wednesday One-Liners, Batman!
Agitated man: God gave you a penis and a road map to the world! You don't need maps!
--Washington Square & University Place
Tween: God wants me to get drunk tonight!
--3rd & Mercer
Four-year-old child to mother: Mommy! We have to go to church on Sunday. God is going to repent us on Sunday!
--R Train
Overheard by: Marie
Hobo: And then I fucked god!
--Heckscher Playground, Central Park
Overheard by: Shiki
Jewish girl to friend: Oy! My bagel looks like god jerked off on it.
--Guy & Gallards, 34th & Lexington
Overheard by: Awkwardly eating his breakfast
Drunk girl to drunk friend crying on her coat: It's always so hard when you lose your soulmate in the bathroom line, but it's like, god works in mysterious ways, you know.
--W Train
Overheard by: Wes
Wednesday One-Liners Win the Door Prize
N train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, "stand clear of the closing doors" does not mean "throw yourself into the closing doors inflicting bodily harm to yourself."
--N Train
Sassy male train conductor: Yo! Release the doors so the train can leave the station! There's another train behind this one. We can wait here all day, ladies and gentlemen, I'm already at work. (pause) Okay, well it seems that people just aren't ready to move yet! Oh...oh...there we go! Well done! How about a round of applause?
--A Downtown Express
Train conductor over loudspeaker: We're having a problem with the doors. That's not me closing them on you. These doors have a mind of their own.
--NJ Transit
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear of the closing doors. If I catch you holding the doors open, I will push you off the train and if you don't die, then you'll have to catch the next one.
--NJ Transit
Irate conductor: Ladies and gentleman, putting your baby stroller between the closing doors is a wonderful way to show your child that you care. It will also save on college tuition. There will be another q train, but there will never be another baby like that one. Please stand clear of the closing doors.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Himani
10 Bucks Says He Falls to His Death in a Reflecting Pool
Little boy, singing and dancing: I'm too sexy for my skin, too sexy to be here, too sexy for this train. Oh yeah!
20-something woman: Stop it! Be quiet!
(train doors open)
Little boy, yelling: I'm gorgeous! (taunts 20-something woman and other passengers with a teddy bear, throwing his arms in the air) I'm gorgeous!
--R Train
A NYC Bathroom Is a Multi-Purpose Space
Old white man, with beard and metrosexual outfit: How was that party?
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: Shit, there was this really gross dude. He was so gross and so horny!
Old white man: Was he hitting on you?
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: No. He was was hitting on every girl at that house party. He went up to each of my friends. Oh, he's so gross. They were each telling him to get away.
Old white man: He was probably the only straight guy invited to the party, then.
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: He was so gross, he started talking to my friend. Later I walk in the bathroom, and she is fucking him!
--Union Square
Overheard by: H Ramachandran (rolling my eyes)
But Officer, the Bag Is So My Friends Don't Find out I Drink Zima
Girl to cop giving her a ticket after finding beers inside her brown bag: You need a warrant for that!
Cop: No, I don't.
Girl: You can't just look in there without, umm, probable cause!
Cop: Yes, I can.
Girl: You need to get a warrant first!
--Nassau Ave & Lorimer St, Greenpoint
Overheard by: David L.
J. Lo. and Puffy's Unfinished Life Together
Black guy with bags, bumping into Hispanic woman: Don't gimme that look, not my fault, not my fuckin' fault! (Hispanic woman just glares) Look at me again and I'll fuck you in the ass!
--53rd St & 5th Ave
Where Would This Site Be Without the Hobos?
Trinidadian hobo: Step into the car and please don't block the doors. There's another train directly behind this one. Biiing-bonnng! That's from the old cars. This is how they do it now: "Dingdong!" (recorded "if you see something, say something" message plays; hobo recites the message along with it, mimicking perfectly.) "Tell a police officer or an MTA employee." Or tell me, because it might be a bag o' money. Or weed. But if it's only a nickel bag of weed, just turn it in to a policeman. If it's a 500-pound bag, give it to me! I need that haze! Now, here's a picture of my wife. Two years ago, on Easter Sunday, my wife passed away of a massive heart attack. I want you all to know about this because I want you all to know I'm still single. The ladies, that is, not the men. I'm not gay. I have gay friends, but I'm not gay. I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian because I love what they eat!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Aloof Loner
Jeez, Who Wouldn't Want Devastating Vortices?
Overcaffeinated teen with drink: I need to blend this. I wish I had blenders for hands.
Serious friend: Some people would want to be able to fly or read minds... I guess that's a pretty good super power too.
Overcaffeinated teen with drink: I'd used my blender hands to stir up the air and fly, like helicopter propellers.
Serious friend: Come on, think about the physics of that. If anything, you'd just create two devastating vortices on either side of you and suck everybody in. No flying.
Overcaffeinated teen with drink: If we're already asking for blender hands, I think a minor change in the laws of physics would be workable.
Serious friend: True. (spins hands like blender-propellers)
--6 Train
Overheard by: Lynne
Inside Every White Girl Is a Black Panther Trying To Get Out
Female driver to chubby crossing pedestrian: You gonna die, honkey!
--City Island Ave
Overheard by: Sam
Who Says Life's No Picnic for New Yorkers?
Heavy-set and sweaty bus driver to woman with pizza: Lemme...uh...have that pizza. (woman smiles awkwardly, thinking it's a joke) I wasn't kidding. Lemme have that pizza. (woman holding a bag of cookies gets on bus with child)
Heavy-set and sweaty bus driver: Oh, lemme just...uh uh...have one of these...uh uh...cookies. (takes cookie)
Small Asian woman (taken aback and extremely confused): What? You can't take these.
(bus driver stuffs cookie in mouth and ignores woman)
(later)
Bus driver, on PA: Lady, these are some good cookies.
--Uptown Bus to Met from Port Authority
Wait-- Didn't You Give Your Mom Hoop Earrings for Christmas?
Girl, telling joke: A seven-year-old daughter said to her mother: "Today in school I learned where babies come from."
Mother: Oh, really?
Daughter: Yea, a mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, the mommy makes the dad happy and his thingy stands up a little. Then the mommy puts the thingy in her mouth and the thingy stands up all the way and explodes, and that's where babies come from.
Mother: No, honey, that's where jewelry comes from.
(laughs)
Guy listening, with horrified face: Wait a second, my mom has a shitload of jewelry. Oh, goddammit, eewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Girl: I'm never going to look at your mom the same way ever again.
--Arthur Avenue
Overheard by: Reza Daneshvar
And in the Closet
Drunk hipster guy #1 (screaming): Let's see who can make out with the fattest girl tonight. Whoever makes out with the fattest gets ten dollars from everyone else.
Drunk hipster guy #2 (also screaming): Yeah, and if there's a close call, she can judge.
Drunk hipster girl: Hey, I want in on this action! That could be 50 bucks.
Guy #1: Okay, okay, you can play too. But if it comes down to a close call between us guys you have to decide which girl is fatter.
Drunk hipster guy #3: And she can have a good personality.
Drunk hipster guy #4: Why are we screaming?
Drunk hipster guy #1: Because we're Italian.
--LIRR
Overheard by: revolted
George Washington: Man, I was rocking wood grillz before this was even America!
Girl to friend: Hey girl, come over here and let me see your new grillz. (friend comes over and smiles, Flavor Flav style) Daaaamnnnnnnn girl! Where did you get those? They some nice grillz!
--Flatbush Ave & Lincoln Rd
Overheard by: xtina
The Sure Cure for Imaginary Problems
Hipster teenage girl: Yeah, trust me you'd know if you'd seen me disgruntled.
Hipster teenage boy: I haven't?
Hipster teenage girl: Nope. Well...talking online, maybe.
Hipster teenage boy: Oh, you're always disgruntled online. You always have some huge, massive crisis.
Hipster teenage girl: Oh yeah, once I was really pissed off at you. I scream a lot when I'm disgruntled.
Hipster teenage boy: At me?
Hipster teenage girl: No, just in general. At my room mostly.
(long pause)
Hipster teenage girl: I'm bored. Let's go to my house and do some lines!
--Park Slope
I Mean, That Would Be Unseemly
Jersey chick: I mean, what do I do? He is like all over me but wont have sex with me. What do I do?
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: I think you should just say, "fuck me or you're gay!" I mean, that's what I would do.
Jersey chick: I just don't get it, you know. And seriously, he is the hottest guy I've ever made out with, like hotter than anyone I've ever made out with.
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: I mean seriously, just say, "fuck me or you're gay. If you don't fuck me, you are gay." that's what I would do.
Jersey girl: But he can't be gay, he's too hot.
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: But there are a lot of hot guys who are gay. It's probably because he's so hot.
Jersey girl: I just don't know what to do. He like comes up to me and is dancing with me and telling me to come home with him. But like, I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm from Jersey! I live in Jersey, I can't just stay with him, can I?
Girl comes out from peeing in bathroom stall: I don't know dude.
--Bar, Park Ave & 27th St
Overheard by: Shawn
The Biggest Uproar in Their Home Since the Cuban Gristle Crisis
Loud middle aged guy on cell: Hello? What? Where's the meat? It's on the counter. I took it out last night. It was half frozen. Okay. (some time goes by) Hello? Who is this? Kiah? I took it out last night. It's on the counter. No, it's good. It was half frozen. Noooo, it's fine. It's not ruined! It's good. Noooooooooo. It's not ruined! I'll eat it, leave it for me. I'll eat it tonight and all the way to Shabbat, it will be my pleasure, it will be delicious. (some time goes by) I'm getting off the train. I'm coming home. They're mad about the meat. (Now almost on the verge of crying) It's not ruuuined. Noooooooooooo. It's goooood. Why is the meat no good? It's not ruuuined. Noooooooooooooooooooooo.
--Q Train
So I Told Her I Hadn't Seen Him in There, But I'd Check Again
Large man, in t-shirt and shorts, on cell: So I gave my ex-new-girlfriend...
Small man: Ex-new-girlfriend?!
Large man: Let me finish...I gave her a tour of my apartment, and when she asked why my closet door looked like it was about to come off its hinges I told her I had dead babies in there, as a joke. Apparently, her brother died when he was three months old.
--5th & E 78th
Or We Can See Some Nudity
Poetry slam emcee: Hi, everyone! Wow, what a great turnout...I think you're all Emma's friends. She's first, but we have a great line-up, so please don't leave. Stay!
Emma's friend, sotto voce: Dude, it's a poetry reading, even Emma is leaving unless you give everyone another drink ticket.
--Grand Street & Driggs, Brooklyn
This Season's Most Unlikely Friendship
MTA guy: Okay, folks, everyone out! This train is going out of service! C'mon, mister, off the train! Let's go, let's go!
Hobo, dragging enormous black trash bag: I'm going, man...my bag tore. You got another bag? I need another bag.
MTA guy: You want a bag from me? Damn! They hardly pay me anything, I can barely feed my family, when we go on strike y'all get mad at us, and now you want a bag? Ease up, man, ease up!
(pause)
MTA guy: Hey, man, your pants are falling down.
Hobo: Yeah, I can't keep 'em up.
MTA guy: You know why that is? 'cause you got the baggy fit underneath the boot cut! With the straight cut in between!
Hobo: I used to have an overcoat. I loved that overcoat. You should have seen it. I loved that coat.
MTA guy: You got five coats already! What do you need with another one?
[pauses]
Hobo: Hey, you won't believe what I saw on the train the other day.
MTA guy: What's that?
Hobo: A man beatin' up on his lady.
MTA guy: Oh yeah?
Hobo: Yeah. With his shoe.
MTA guy: With his shoe! No way, man.
Hobo: I saw it.
MTA guy: Why didn't you stop him? You should have stopped him!
Hobo: Well... He was a big guy.
MTA guy: You should have stopped him! You should have hit him with your big Santa bag! Why didn't you hit him with your big Santa bag?
--A Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
What, No "Package" Joke?
Man, after quizzing guy wearing shirt that says "Lay a ghost ceremony": "Lay a ghost ceremony"? I had to ask. I thought it was sexual.
Woman: I'm glad you did, I was wondering too.
Man: It's because I'm a Scorpio. Everything is sexual to me. Even the US Postal Service box is saying something sexual to me. I mean, come on, "All service window?" You can't tell me that doesn't sound sexual.
(woman gets her package and leaves)
Man: Have a good day! Don't forget about the all service window!
--Post Office, 14th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Erin
God, Poor People Are So Bad at Physics
B&T daughter: Let's move to the front, we still have eight minutes.
B&T mother: Oh my god, are we moving?!
Random guy: Uh, that's the other train that's moving.
--LIRR Train
Samantha Jones Finally Gets Desperate
50-something woman: I'm looking for a book. It's called something like The Cougar's Guide.
Assistant: Err...do you know who it's by?
50-something woman: No. But I heard it just came out. The Cougar's Handbook or something.
Assistant: Well, there's not a lot I can do if you don't know the name or the author.
50-something woman: Can you do a search with the word "cougar"? Or "snare"? I think it had "snare" in the title.
Assistant: Err...okay, I can try.
--Barnes & Noble
And, the Way You Go Through Rabbits, That's a Big Threat
Six-year-old girl to dog (repeatedly): High-five! High-five! High-five!
(dog dodges her and owner ignores her)
Girl's grandmother, excitedly: I just know, in my heart of hearts, she's going to be a veterinarian when she grows up. She just loves animals so much! Even our little rabbits she carries around...I just know she's going to be a veterinarian!
(dog's owner goes to counter to check out)
Grandmother: Okay, honey, it's time to let the man check out. Let's go.
Girl, leaving dog: High-five! High-five! High-five! (passes gum ball machine) Oooh, gum ball! (begins putting money in)
Grandmother: If you put money in there, I'll never get you anything ever again.
--Blockbuster, Flatbush & 8th Ave
Overheard by: smoon
Two Words That Are Really Interchangable
(conductor makes muffled announcement)
Girl #1: (gasp)
Girl #2: What did she say?
Girl #1: "Stand clear of the closing doors, bitch!"
Woman nearby: I think she said "please".
Man: I like their version better.
--A Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Headline by: Dawgn Heat
Runners-Up:
· "Dave Chappelle's New Job As Subway Conductor Poses Some Problems" - Andrew
· "It Could Have Been, "Bitch, Please!" and Everyone Would Have Been Happy" - Jared Rizzi
· "Ludacris Finds Himself Unexpectedly Inspired" - SmR
· "Makes You Wonder What Charlie Brown's Parents Were Really Saying" - Jeff
· "You Have to Use Profanity to Be Taken Seriously in New York" - KAC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Last Time, She Got Him Up to a Cadillac and Diamond Earrings
New York Post woman at Union Square station: Free pooooost!
Bag vendor, after minutes of repetition: Lady, our heads are going to explode!
Woman: Free Pooooost!
Bag vendor: All vendors, help me let her know!
Woman: Free Pooooost!
Bag vendor: Lady, I'll buy you lunch!
Woman: Free Pooooost!
Bag vendor: I'll give you cash!
Woman: Free pooooost!
Bag vendor: Come work for me, "free totes!"
Woman: Free pooooost!
--Union Square Holiday Market
Still, She Makes a Ton of Money From Selling Her Side Fat on the Open Market
Guy: So, on the show this girl got two gobs of fat taken out of her sides. So, then they showed a "before" and "after" picture and it was like, "before," lots of fat. "After," still some fat, and stretch marks and a nasty scar. So then they went out to eat and she's eating pasta from her plate, pasta from her mom's plate, and then she gets this big hoagie. And I'm thinking, "this bitch is going to be fat again in two months."
--70th Road, Forest Hills
Trump: Is It a Quality /Mercedes Brand Dick?
Overprivileged yuppie #1: Did you see that? Dude, did you *see* that?! Man, I *own* this fucking city!
Overprivileged yuppie #2: No you don't, skizzball. Donald Trump owns this fucking city.
Overprivileged yuppie #1: Donald Trump can suck my dick!
--85th & 2nd
Overheard by: SoOverIt
You Just Ollied Into My Heart
Black teen, with I skate NY logo shirt: Hey, hey, what's the line for?
Confused white girl: I don't get your shirt.
Black teen: (amazed silence)
Confused white girl: Ohhh, it's a skateboard!
Black teen: Haha, yeah.
Confused white girl: No, no, I thought it was a...a picture of a guy with a unibrow and no mouth?
Black teen: Hey, lemme see your eyes...you have beautiful eyes.
--Virgin Megastore
Two Men and a Booby
Screaming deranged lesbian to gay leathermen: Who's the titty toucher?
(bewildered looks all around, then a gay leatherman sheepishly raises hand)
Screaming deranged lesbian: Here's a 10% coupon! Thanks for the titty grope!
--The Leatherman Store
If The Facts Of Life Were Set Today, in New York
Overweight Asian lady: Excuse me, miss, I'm holding the pole, do you mind?
Black lady: I'm sorry, but there's nowhere I can move to.
Asian lady: Well, can you just please not lean on it? You're squashing my hand.
Black lady (looking at Asian lady in amazement at her audacity): What time is it?
Asian lady: I could tell you, if you would stop leaning on my hand.
Black lady: It's rush hour! If you're not ready for this go back to suburbia, bitch! This is what happens on an overcrowded train in New York City. Look at this bitch next to me, she barely fits in the door, and she's not complaining. You know why? Cause she accepts it. Cause it's a fact of life! And you takin' up the whole middle isle...shame on you...lose some weight...go back to suburbia. There's plenty of room there.
--L Train
Overheard by: that's right, rush hour is tight
To Be Fair, Billie Joe Armstrong Looks Like Someone Who'd Be Carrying a Machine Gun or a Bomb
Man with bottle of booze in paper bag: Is that a machine gun or a bomb?
Boy with guitar: No, I'm just carrying my guitar.
--Train to Penn Station
Overheard by: Marcy
But Light-Drizzle Shorts Are Highly Effective
Guy #1: I know, right?
Guy #2: Yeah! Thunderpants don't work!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: eliza
You Wouldn't Think It Was Funny If You Had to Listen to It Every Day
Crazy man, yelling: Sweet Jesus! The lord is aaaaalwaaays watching! Watching you wicked, wicked people! Heavens be praised, for he has shown me the way! He can show you too, but all this wickedness and sin has to stop! He knows, he knows! (lights in train go out) Yes, dear Jesus! For he has plunged us into darkness. Do not say "the weather" or "The MTA," it is the Lord who sees and knows all, and he has seen the wickedness you people have brought into the world and he has plunged us into darkness! We are truly in the darkness. (lights go back on) Praise the lord, for he has shown us the light!
--F Train
Overheard by: Elisabeth
It Was His Valentine's Gift to Me This Year
Office chick #1: So you liked the movie Waiting, right?
Office chick #2: Yep.
Office chick #1: Remember "the goat"?
Office chick #2: Yeah, junk stuffed between his legs and displayed from behind!
Office chick #1: Yeah, my husband just came up with a new one called "the heart"!
Office chick #2: What's that?
Office chick #1: He grabs his sack, pulls it up over his dick, and spreads the skin out at the top, so it kinda looks like a heart.
Office chick #2: Yeah?
Office chick #1: Then he tenses up his dick a few times so that it looks like the heart is beating.
Office chick #2: Cool.
--McDonald's
Just Using the Old Noodle
Girl #1: Oh my god! Who's cooking Ramen!?
Girl #2: I am.
Girl #1: You *totally* read my mind!
--Fordham University, Bronx
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Those Sparkly Stickers Made My Day
FDNY in uniform, waiting for firemen who were grocery shopping: He kept saying, "you're gonna get caught! You're gonna get caught!" but I just took off the tag, put them on my face and just walked out of the store!
Civilian he was talking to (looking shocked and equally disgusted): Oh.
--Whole Foods, Houston & Christie
That's the Last Time I'll Babysit a Middle-Schooler for Only 5 Bucks an Hour
Relatively sober girl: Bruce, you can't sleep here. You live in Queens. Your bed is in Queens.
Drunk guy: No, this is my new home. I live here now. (points at the wall)
Relatively sober girl: Bruce, go home.
Drunk guy: I am home.
Relatively sober girl: No, your house is in Queens. Go there.
Drunk guy: Queens? Okay. (points to the left) I'm going to go that way cause it's longer. No...wait, (points to the right) That way.
Relatively sober girl: Whatever! I did not sign up for this tonight.
--9th St & Ave A
Still Not as Bad as a Poetry Slam
Very loud man on cell to Mexican musicians: Can you tone your music down? I'm trying to talk here!
--E Train
Overheard by: Robyn Z
Who Says New Yorkers Can't Be Gracious?
White guy, yelling to friends: Yo, where are you going? The train is this way!
Random black guy: It's not the fucking train! It's the fucking subway!
White guy: I live in Queens, I know what it's called.
Black guy: You white people are so fucking stupid. You go into the subway to get on a fucking train!
White girl: Well then it's a train!
Black guy: Fuck you, bitch!
White guy: Don't call her a bitch! You don't even know her!
Black guy, getting in their face: Fuck you, nigga! And fuck her! (pause) Wait...have you guys been drinking?
White guy: Yeah.
Black guy: Never mind, then. I was just fucking around. We cool?
(black and white guys laugh about it, shake hands, go their separate ways)
--Union Square
Overheard by: go rangers!
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