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We're Fairly Certain Paula Abdul Manages
Guy #1: I was sleeping and someone came in and stabbed me in the head three times! Next thing I know I'm in a coma for two months!
Guy #2: Whoa...was you high?
Guy #1: High?! Man, I was sleeping! How can I be high when I asleep?
Guy #2: Oh...
--F Train
Overheard by: cs
I Already Give Her Cash Every Time
Bartender: Are you getting her anything for Valentine's Day?
20-something guy: Probably not.
Bartender: Nothing? Flowers? Anything?
20-something guy: What am I supposed to do? Send a note that says "thanks for fucking me"?
--57th St
Yeah, We Didn't Know, Either
(tiny Asian girl in a striped skirt and high-heeled boots is hauling a suitcase up the stairs from the subway).
Hobo: You know who you look like?
Asian girl: Who?
Hobo: You know who you look like?
Asian girl: Who?
Hobo: Girl, you look like Paul Lynde.
--12th St & 7th Ave
I Thought This Was a Bus
Conductor #1: We are sorry for the delay, there is a stalled e train at 7th Avenue. We will be going uptown on the...uhm...which line are we going on?
Conductor #2 (exasperated): I have no fucking clue.
(train laughs)
--E Train
Overheard by: So how am i getting home?
Crack Rats
Girl, pointing at hose lying on sidewalk: Daddy, is that to make the rats stop smoking?
Dad: Yes.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: MPW
Hobo: Stupid Dogs Steal All the Glory
Man: That's why I make you guys take your shoes off when we get into the house. When I was a kid, people would make their dogs poop on the street, so you had to watch where you step when crossing the street. Now it's just everywhere, all over the sidewalks.
Kid: Ew!
Man: They outta call this "Park Poop" instead of Park Slope.
Kid: Poop Slope!
Man: Haha, yeah, Poop Slope! Whoa, did you see that? That was a big one, like from a Great Dane or something!
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: elaisted
Our Nation's Hopes for the Obama Administration Are Decidedly Low
Young white yuppie woman: Well, as long as he keeps his pants on it should be alright.
Young white yuppie man: I hope so.
--6th Ave & 42nd St
Overheard by: Daniel
Especially Since All Plantation Labor Was Air Conditioned
Woman #1, fanning herself on crowded train: It is hot.
Woman #2, also fanning herself: If this were the Underground Railroad, damn, I would have been a slave forever.
--A Train
Which Was Saddam's First Mistake
Columbia girl, looking at cell phone: Oh shit, I have like five missed calls from State Department! Should I call them back? Is it too late now?
Columbia guy, bewildered: What? The State Department?
(girl's cell phone rings)
Columbia girl: Hi, daddy. Well, I realize that, but I just got them. Well, do you think it's too late to call back now? Okay, I'll call them ASAP.
Columbia guy: What did your dad say?
Columbia girl: He told me that when the State Department calls, you should probably answer.
--Le Monde, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: bored prof
The Car with the Big Red X Through It Is a Little Ambiguous
Blonde preppy to cop writing parking ticket: Excuse me, but I'm not sure if I understand the sign back there correctly. Is it okay to park there?
Cop: I only have a GED, and I understand it.
--8th St & Broadway
Overheard by: you're so getting a ticket
Half of Whom Think It'll Take Them to the Sandwich Shop
Man to tourist who has just pushed the "subway" button on elevator: That button doesn't work.
Tourist: Really?
Man: Yeah, you have to go to the main level and take an escalator.
Tourist: Oh. Then why is that button even there?
Man: To confuse tourists.
--Port Authority
Tonight's Movie: Big Poopy in Little Minor
Mom to two-year-old: So did we have a little poopy accident or a big poopy accident?
Two-year-old, squealing in disgust: Eeeeeew!
Mom: I guess that answers my question.
--53rd & 8th
Overheard by: Jen
The 2004 Election Affected Us All Differently
Old woman to am New York guy: So that was about four years ago, and I haven't been with another man since.
am New York guy: Oh yeah?
--8th St & 34th St
And Steal Crack. But That's It.
Teenage girl on cell: Yo, we just got a new game, you wanna come over?
Teenage boyfriend: (mumbles)
Teenage girl on cell: All you gotta do is get high.
Teenage boyfriend: (mumbles).
Teenage girl on cell: And drunk.
--7th Ave & 50th
Overheard by: Aaron
Pugilism While Gurgling?
Conductor: Attention passengers, there will be no purgalism on this train tonight.
Drunken passengers: Did he just say "purgalism"? What the fuck is "purgalism"? Is that even a word?
(five minutes later)
Conductor: There will also be no puking on this train. No puking and no purgalism. I will not be taking any questions tonight.
--LIRR
Do You Want Pre-op or Post-op?
Older worn-out assistant: Do you know how hard it is to find an on-call tranny hooker?
Suit: On-call?
--51st St & Park Ave
Overheard by: krissy
Don't Worry, There'll Be a New Evil Empire Before You Know It
Coworker #1: When I studied abroad in Germany I was...
Coworker #2 (interrupting): Oh, did you see the Great Wall?
Coworker #1: In China?
Coworker #2: No. (laughs) The one in Germany. Don't they have one in Germany?
Coworker #1: The Berlin wall? That's not there anymore.
Coworker #2: Oh. What a shame.
--Office, Midtown
Overheard by: get me out of finance
Well, Are You Using a Java Jacket?
NYU girl #1: Drinking Starbucks does not make you skip your period.
NYU girl #2: It totally does!
--Starbucks
Fine, But Next Class Leave Your Spirit Animal at Home
Girl conducting movement workshop: Can you tell us about your experience with dance?
Girl in workshop: Well, I like to dance naked around fires. Oh, I'm a pagan.
--Hunter College School of Social Work
I Would Totally Breed With Her
Suit #1: Oh hey, how did dinner with Karen go the other night?
Suit #2: Oh man, she is so hot. She looks like...like a golden retriever. Too bad she has a boyfriend.
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Have been told I look like a Burmese cat
The Very Best of Everything, Right Up the Old Snot Locker
Guy #1: Yeah...I heard she looks like Amy Winehouse.
Guy #2: Naw, man she looks like she treats herself like Amy Winehouse...there's a difference.
--31st & 8th
Just a Little One
Tween #1, concerned: So what is going on with you and Becky and those midgets?
Tween #2, contemplative and distant: We just have...a connection.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Neilium
For the Rest of Her Life She'll Tell the Story of the Day She Almost Went to the East Village
(well-dressed woman gets on downtown train at 34th Street, and gets agitated upon realizing it's not an uptown train)
Guy to well-dressed woman: The Upper East Side is the other way!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Marcus
I've Been Clapping Since You Were Born
Mother: Fairies like getting back in the pram.
Kid: I'm not a fairy!
Mother: Yes you are.
--10th & 1st
Overheard by: ashleigh
Why Are You Brad Pitt in Every Hypothetical?
Gay guy: I'm the understudy? How does this make sense? I'm so good and Greg is so awful.
Girl: Yeah, I don't know.
Gay guy: It's like Brad Pitt being cast as an extra for Pauly Shore's new movie. And I'm Brad Pitt!
--8th & 30th
Overheard by: Rob Anderson
U2?
Cute blonde: So, Mike is going back to his ex-girlfriend.
Cute redhead: Ewww! Why? He's a moron. This is exactly why my new year's resolution is to become a cutter and start smoking again.
Cute blonde: Seriously, I'm ready to slice my shit.
Cute redhead: Oh! We should we bedazzle our razor blades.
Cute blonde: Yes! I'm putting hearts on mine. You know, in the name of love.
--W Broadway & Spring
"Creative" Is a Euphemism for "Ignorant"
Overly talkative man, after seeing "transparent monument" exhibit: I saw a white cloud and a gray cloud but I didn't see no black cloud...If I was Native American I would see a red cloud!
Man's Asian girlfriend: Or a purple one!
Overly talkative man: What?!
--Elevator, The Met
Overheard by: liselle boyette
Weren't You Jamaican Yesterday?
Teenager: I don't know if I would wear a fur coat, ever.
Friend: I know I would, just as long as it wasn't raccoon...raccoons are just gross.
Hobo with heavy Russian accent: In mother Russia raccoon wear you!
--LIRR
A Grateful City Applauds Your Decision, Ma'am
Woman on treadmill: I'm big on charity. But I only like giving money to kids that are messed up. You know, the ones who get in fights, skip school...
Man on treadmill: Mmmm. You know, the other kids that don't screw up are the ones who really deserve rewards.
Woman on treadmill, skeptically: Yeah. But I like kids that are messed up. That is why I don't ever want to have kids.
--Brooklyn Heights
Let's Get a Picture of You Stroking His Goblet of Fire!
Tourist mom, pointing to Equus sign: Oh, eek-quass. Look, and it's with your favorite, Harry Potter.
11-year-old daughter: Uh huh.
Mom: Oh! And he has no shirt on! Look, honey!
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Slightly uncomfortable, queezy male
The Bronx Is East of the Sun and West of the Moon
5-foot Asian high school girl to friend: So where is your college anyway?
5-foot Asian college friend: Umm...in the Bronx.
5-foot Asian high school girl: Is that like north of the city or something?
5-foot Asian college friend: Umm...maybe, but I don't think so.
--Rilo Kiley Concert, Terminal 5
Now I Have Twenty Cats, but Nothing's Changed
Lonely cat lady: Remember a few years back when I had ten cats? I knitted ten of these adorable little stockings for them, and I filled each one with catnip. Well, I never did that again!
Passenger: Why? Did they all freak out over the catnip?
Lonely cat lady: No, they didn't even appreciate all the work that went into it. They just ignored them.
--Midtown NJ Tranist
Once Mary Kate Sobered Up, She Actually Wasn't Terrible
Girl #1: All the teachers in acting hate me. (she stumbles)
Girl #2: Hun, that's because you're drunk.
Girl #1: Yeah.
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: theladieswholunch
Think Some Squats Would Help Me?
Security guard #1: Hey, my friend brought over a magazine with that Kardashian chick on the cover.
Security guard #2: Yeah...
Security guard #1: She's got a big ass.
--One Penn Plaza Office Building
In Short
80 year-old Italian teacher: You like fluorescent colors a lot, yes?
Girl: Yeah, I love them. They're great.
80 year-old Italian teacher: There are also people who love midgets. I know. It's an unfortunate love.
--Cooper Union, East Village
Nature: 2 Nurture: 0
Mother: We're getting off now if you can't behave.
Boy (screaming uncontrollably at other boy): I want Jessie! I want Jessie! I want Jessie! Jesssssssssie!
--M79 Bus
Overheard by: whothehellisjessie
Wednesday One-Liners: "Is This Thing On?"
PA system: Leia, please meet your party at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your party at the front.
--Bed, Bath & Beyond, 18th & 6th
Overheard by: Rebecca
Announcer over loudspeaker: The time is now one am o'clock!
--Baggage Claim, JFK
Overheard by: Kimmie
Loudspeaker announcement: Attention, all late night shoppers, this is a live announcement. I repeat, this is not a recording! Right now, in our deli department, fully-cooked chickens! Come on over and get your chickens! They're hot! They're fresh! And they were alive this morning!
--Pathmark, Cropsey Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Stacy
Announcement over loudspeaker during class: Hello, I'm sorry for the interruption. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go outside, they're about to tow your truck.
--Stuyvesant High School
Loudspeaker: Good afternoon, East Side. Fag football...oops, I mean "flag football" will meet in the cafeteria immediately following advisory.
--East Side Community High School
A Chain Of Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on phone: Yeah, I'm here. But I think I passed through the ghetto on the way. Yeah, it was definitely the ghetto. How do I know? It was really obvious: because I saw a sizzler and all the buildings looked the same!
--Penn Station
20-something girl, watching street protest: They better not have closed Popeyes for this.
--M Bus
Overheard by: BHM
Tiny white girl: I just want to go into Applebee's and punch everyone in the face.
--Times Square
Overheard by: that would pass the time...
Girl on cell: Look mom, there's a Jamba Juice. That place is like famous.
--Herald Square
Slob tourist chick to fat husband: I hate my life! Ooooh, Olive Garden!
--Times Square
Overheard by: BarcLeh
Wednesday One-Liners Say "Piss on It!"
Man exiting subway: No, thanks, I've had enough urine in my nose today.
--14th St & 8th Ave
Guy, infatuated with female friend: If I had a pool I'd let you pee in it.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Chadwick
Sturdy guy to chubby girls: We're men! We pee in the park!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: mmhmmm
Mad boyfriend beside girlfriend: No! No! No! I know how you are! I know how they are! All you have to do is pee and...
--Steinway St.
Overheard by: Dustin
Loud girl: Ugh, I wish I had a penis so I could pee on all ya asses.
--Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Amused Freshman
Little boy to brother: I have all the power! Do not make me pee-pee on you again!
--Throop & Pulaski
Overheard by: Melissa Kairuz
100% Edible Wednesday One-Liners
Short girl: Yo, Friday? I'm getting done. Done! Getting saucy. Saucy! With two double Es. "Sau-cee!" Like pasta! Nigga, I get buns!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Ben B.
Office drone to coworker: So yeah, they have this like big place in the city. But they have a patio and a garden and they cook every single night. They cook on their patio! But not like my cooking. Not cereal. They make braised lamb.
--32nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Marie Z.
Teen on cell: Mmm, that peppercorn brandy sauce was gangster.
--72nd & Colombus
Overheard by: Lauren
Random dude: Maybe they'll let you put a biscuit on lay-away.
--KFC, 106th & Broadway
Guy on cell: So, I just need to get some toilet paper, tomato soup, and chain myself in the room for a while.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Brigdh
Eight-year-old kid to mother, referring to generic cereal: Yo, they've got bootleg Froot Loops!
--Target, Atlantic & Flatbush
Overheard by: Ravi
Wednesday One-Liners Smell Like Victory
One Hispanic lady to another: How you gonna give a kid with stinky feet Botox?
--R Train
Overheard by: Ferna
Smelly granola girl on cell: I dunno, maybe Wilco is too big to have an opening act. The show was, like, two days ago. (stops, sniffs armpit and winces) Fuck, I need a serious shower. I haven't been home since the show. Doesn't that suck? When you forget to clean up after a few days? (laughs to herself)
--McCarren Park
Overheard by: AleKatz
Woman on cell: It smells like college!
--BrewFest, South Street Seaport
Office student: It literally smells like my ass.
--CCNY Computer Lab
Girl: Nigga, you smell like the crack in my titties.
--Q Train
Dude on cell: Man, she came six times last night. It was crazy! (pause) We were soaking wet, but I didn't mind. It was nice to see her enjoying it. (pause) No, it didn't smell. It didn't smell like anything.
--Union Square
Overheard by: who are these people?
Wednesday One-Linerbation
Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they're not coming! They're too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!
--53rd & Lexington Subway Station
Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway
Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I'd do is piss standing up and masturbate.
--Queens Center Food Court
Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn't jerk off a couple times a day I'm pretty sure I'd be a serial rapist.
--Penn Station
Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn't know I was going out with her when I beat off.
--15th St & 9th St
Overheard by: Spicoli
Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?
--R Train
Jurassic Wednesday One-Liners
College guy: These are the best dinosaurs I've eaten all day!
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center Campus
Ecstatic five-year-old girl: The dinosaurs! I can't wait to see the dinosaurs!
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Miss Guided
Hippie girl: Yeah, I don't know about the eyeballs, but the dinosaurs are great!
--39th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Natalie
Girl on stoop: Yo, man, I wish our dinosaurs could talk.
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Anna P.
Girl on cell: Because--you know what? Because I don't etch on my DVDs with pterodactyls!
--Court Street, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Danielle
Guy rooting through trash: If you were a dinosaur I'd be a dinosaur right beside you.
--W 80th & Amsterdam
Wednesdays You Don't Need, at One-Liners You Can't Afford
Guy rushing past crowd: Why would I go to work on the day of Barneys Warehouse sale...are you insane?
--78th & Broadway
20-something white guy: Enough of this hippie shit. Let's go to the four floor Abercrombie.
--Strawberry Fields
Overheard by: Alison
Girl: I was so depressed. I actually almost bought that leather jacket from Express. Whose bright idea was it to have the MCAT testing center in a shopping district?
--1 Train
20-something woman to another: Wow, it's just like the Westchester mall here, only outside.
--Bleecker & W 10th
Very Caucasian tourist: Holy frick! Where is The Gap?
--42nd & Broadway
Middle aged woman in hot pink, yelling: I won't shop today! I will not shop! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I will not fucking shop today! I won't shop! Fuck you!
--Urban Outfitters
The Misunderestimated Phraseoids of Wednesday One-Liners
Blonde chick to dude: Isn't he, like, koreish?
--F Train
Dude on cell: It's not even like a relationship, it's all texting, it's a textationship.
--22nd & 1st
Overheard by: loves it
Girl on cell: She was all slippy and shit.
--SoHo
Student to another: The trouble with you is that you got the wrong misconception.
--Broadway & 116th
Overheard by: Cousin Al
Mom, upon examining young son's pruney toes: Jake! What's wrong with your toe? Look, the skin is coming off, it's like you're molding! Just like a little bird! Your foot is molding!
--Prep School Swimming Pool
Overheard by: I dream of Jean
Teen on payphone: Listen! Mah words isn't what I'm sayin!
--Fulton & Broadway
Overheard by: Mondo Man
Woman on cell: You thought he was gonna shit on you? Sit? Spit? You gonna need to step up your English game.
--Fulton Street Subway Station
Overheard by: Johnny Twisto
Boomsday One-Liners
Black guy: That show was so white, I just wanted to bomb the place.
--W 49th & Broadway
Overheard by: Erin
19-year-old street vendor: Well, pipe bombs are easy...but they do a lot of damage.
--Chinatown
Guy dressed in sequined jacket, screaming on escalator: I can't fucking believe this fucking shit. They have no fucking radios. What K-Mart got no fucking radios? No fucking radios! (after a long pause) I'm gonna bomb this muthafucka to the ground.
--K Mart, 8th St
Overheard by: I Didn't Know the Unibomber Got a Makeover
Man on phone: Do you know why they bombed on 7/11?
--50th St & 9th Ave
20-something girl to friend, after large explosion is heard: Well, I'm from Detroit, so when I hear things like that it doesn't even bother me.
--Union Square Holiday Market
Overheard by: isa
Woman, as a grungy guy walks by: Whenever I see sullen long-haired bearded men in army jackets I am afraid something is going to get blown up.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Grumpy Old Wednesday One-Liners
Old man in laundry room: I saw a young man the other day put about 8 Levi's in this little machine, here. They came out with soap all over them because he didn't give them enough room. I turned to him and said, "young man, you need your mother."
--25th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Adam and AMC
Old man, yelling at a passing ambulance with blaring sirens: Oh, shut the fuck up. Goddamnit!
--Broadway & Washington Place
Little old lady, passing a steep cellar: Wow. I wouldn't want to be drunk going down those stairs.
--Broome Street b/w Allen & Eldridge
Overheard by: always take the elevator
Little old lady to physical therapist: Can I Facebook friend you?
--Parkside Physical Therapy, 100th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Old Greek man to another: Ya gotta use ya mind, ya money, and ya mouth. Mmm. The three Ms.
--Ditmars
Overheard by: ashley
Old lady with walker to nurse: I just love fresh air and a cigarette.
--5th & B
Overheard by: Adam Glaser
Older man to waiter: You didn't tell me that soup wasn't included. I can't believe you're charging someone of my generation for soup. I shouldn't have to pay for just water, chicken, and rice. Some of us here are on a fixed income. (to neighboring table) You be careful! Your bill's going to come to $30! (pays at register) You should have told me. Now I hope you're happy that tomorrow an old man won't be able to afford his medicine.
--New Wave Cafe, 79th & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Wednesday One-Liners? Kinky!
300-pound girl on phone: Girl, you showed your whole booty crack? I know, he's into that kinky downtown shit.
--14th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: bastardo
Loud upstate girl: I think...doin' any kinda research inta furries? You're in trouble.
--Hudson & Houston
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Hoochie: I mean, you gonna handcuff me, then handcuff me. But, you know, when I gotta go do my shit, I gotta go.
--1st St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: stephie
Curly-haired girl on cell: I've totally got a cold too! But I've also got bondage tape. And a cell phone activated vibrator.
--Ouidad salon
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Suit to another, while having lunch on bench: You put duct tape on her mouth and you do it from behind.
--Central Park
Guy at table: You know, she's a quality girl, even when I was in handcuffs, I could tell that she was a quality girl.
--Carnegie Deli
Overheard by: Spazz
We're Jewish, Dad
Son having tantrum: I don't want to go to the park! (throws his coat on the ground)
Father: Did you just take your coat off? I'm going to tell the Virgin Mary you're not wearing your coat, and then you know it will get back to Santa!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: canvasser
That's Not What Papi Says
Young African American child pulling mother's hand: Ándale! Ándale!
African American mother: Cut that out! You're not Mexican!
--103 & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Alex
Like Death and Taxes?
Guy #1 (during tax class): If you crush up Cialis and snort it, it lasts twice as long.
Guy #2: Is that a good thing?
--Law School
Overheard by: Tom
Now That's Diversity
Black girl #1: I told all my white friends that I would be offended if they didn't get me a Kwanzaa present.
Black girl #2: What? I told all my white friends that I would be offended if they did get me a Kwanzaa present.
--Union Square
It's Like a Blessing from God
Woman to guy, about guys making moves on drunk girls they are friends with: So, why do you guys do something like that? It never works.
Guy: Sure, 9 times out of 10 it doesn't work, but that one time you score.
Woman: But aren't those other 9 times really awkward and damaging to your friendship?
Man: Yeah, but there's that one time where you get sex you really weren't expecting!
--Fiddlesticks Bar
Instead of Filing the Proper Petitions
Woman #1: Oh my god! That crazy woman with her dog! I mean, really.
Woman #2: I know! And her dog is crazy too.
Woman #1: Well, her dog is pretty calm, it's just that she talks to it as if it can understand English.
Woman #2: Yeah, but I mean her dog just puts up with it.
--14th St
Every Episode of The Girls Next Door, in a Nutshell
Girl #1, holding grande Starbucks cup: Oh my god! This is a small, I asked the guy for a medium.
Girl #2: Oh my god, are you serious?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Oh my god, your hair looks so nice today!
--B1 Bus
Overheard by: Robert
Let Me Unzip My Pants and Show You
Guy #1: You the Grinch, nigga!
Guy #2: I'm the Grinch? How?
Guy #1: I dunno. You just the Grinch.
Guy #2: You're the Grinch, you little fuck!
Guy #1: I can't be the Grinch. I have Christmas spirit.
--F Train
And the Excellent Tats
Woman #1: She spends mad time on Rikers.
Woman #2: Wait, didn't she do time on Rikers?
Woman #1: Well, yeah. She goes back for the sentimental value, you know, girl?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: pomy
The Five-Second Rule Does Not Apply to Buses
Disgusted mother to little girl who picked up a Swedish fish she dropped on the bus floor: Don't eat that.
Little girl, dusting it off: It's okay, I'll kiss it up to god.
Mother: Don't you dare put that in your mouth. You have no idea what was on the floor.
Little girl, putting it in her mouth and chewing it: It's okay! I kissed it up to god! (swallows it) What are you going to do about it?
Mother, angrily: I'm not going to do anything. You're just going to die.
--Q18 Bus
Wait-- Do We Know How to Sew?
Pretty girl to friends: Oh, wait! They have a section for sewing supplies!
Friend: They have an actual sewing supply section here?
Pretty girl: Yeah, it's as big as my dick, but they have one.
--Duane Reade
Ooo, or Soft-Serve Chocolate Ice Cream!
Turkish man #1: So I was like taking this massive shit when...
Turkish man #2 (interrupting): Hey, you know what I fancy? A hot dog.
--56th St
Overheard by: Joey Potter
Or "Wicked Brilliant," to Be Exact
Chick #1: I don't get it. I mean, why would you go to Cambridge to study science? Why not go to Oxford?
Chick #2: Either way, it's England, so it's mad awesome.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jedusor
But She Did This, Instead
Female hipster #1: Oh my god, I love your haircut!
Female hipster #2: Thanks...I asked for a mix of Suri Cruise, Anna Wintour and Nicole Richie circa 2005.
--27th St & 7th St
I Swear I'm Wearing This Trash Bag Ironically
Drunk man: I'm sitting between a homeless man and a hipster!
Supposed homeless man: I'm the hipster, right?
--L Train
Overheard by: Raine, Michelle, Pamela, Carrie, Lauren
But Possibly Also Because I Keep Getting Crabs
Barnard girl #1: I was at this party, and there was this guy, but I promised myself I would stop hooking up with strangers.
Barnard girl #2: Right.
Barnard girl #1: But, like, I still don't understand why it's bad to hook up with strangers all the time.
Barnard girl #2: Maybe it's because you're, like, using each other's bodies.
Barnard girl #1: Maybe.
--Le Monde Cafe
Overheard by: this is awkward
Tonight, on Sleaze & the City...
Flashy creepster to blonde: Look at me. (she doesn't) Look at me. (she doesn't) Look at me. (she does) You should be careful. It's a big city.
New-in-town blonde girl: After what I just went through I'm just going to have five boyfriends.
Flashy creepster: I'm telling you. You should be careful. It's a big city. Not everyone is good.
New-in-town blonde girl: I was having a good time, and then I fell and love and got burned.
Flashy creepster (menacing): I'm telling you. Not everyone is good.
New-in-town blonde girl: I'm just who I am. If you can't handle me...
Flashy creepster: Oh, I can handle you. I can handle you very well.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: jbrizzle
That's Almost As Good As Saving the Whales
Greenpeace guy: I know you care!
Cute NYU girl (apathetically): Ehhhhh...
Greenpeace guy: You have ideals!
Cute NYU girl (even more apathetically): Ehhhh...
(Greenpeace guy looks downfallen)
Cute NYU girl (still walking): I like...your mittens.
--14th St b/w 3rd & 4th
Overheard by: not an idealist
With a Few More Pointless Holidays, We Could Realize Dr. King's Dream
20-something black dude looking at line for Godiva: I fuckin' hate Valentine's Day!
White dude: Yeah!
--Maden Lane & Nassau St
Just a Vestige, Like Your Tail
Mother to daughter wearing a Pink Princess backpack: Hold up, honey, mommy needs to get something out of your bag.
(mother removes pack of cigarettes and lighter from bag)
Husband to wife: You have no shame.
--Central Park
...Despite My Best Efforts
50-something woman: Do you have pastrami?
Deli worker: Yes.
50-something woman: Is it good?
Deli worker: Yes.
50-something woman: Okay, then. I'd like a pastrami on rye. Lots of pastrami.
Deli worker: Will that be to stay or to go?
50-something woman: Oh, it's to go home to my husband. Tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of his triple bypass surgery.
--Deli Store
Overheard by: ydnew naej
...but Yes
Kinky girl: Have you ever thought about tasting your own cum?
Other girl: Are you fucking serious? We're in Times Square right now. Twenty people probably heard that.
--Times Square
Overheard by: No thank you
Before or After We Run Them Up the Flagpole?
Guy: I mean, I called after him but he had already left.
Girl: So now you're stuck with his pants?
Guy: Yeah, I wonder when he'll notice.
--Stuyvesant High School
And More Importantly, Inflation-Indexed
Boyfriend: I'd totally go to Jedi church.
Girlfriend: Why won't you come to my alien church, but you'll go to Jedi church?
Dorky third wheel: Cuz Jedis are real.
--V Train
You Tell Me Your Dreams and I'll Tell You Mine
Math professor to sleeping student: Hey, are you okay?
Student: Nuh?
Math professor to class: Well, I've rarely killed someone during a lecture, but I must be breaking new ground today.
--Hunter College
NewsFlash: Teenager Confused--Film at Eleven!
Brunette teen: How can she have a boyfriend? She has chest hair!
Blonde teen: She doesn't have chest hair, she has sideburns.
Brunette teen (yelling): She has chest hair too!
Blonde teen: I don't know what the world has come to.
--34th & Fashion
Instead, I'm Gonna Join the Army
Chick #1: You could always go to a beauty school. It's cheaper.
Chick #2: No way, I swore off schools. My friend went to one, and got herpes of the eye. Someone got a bikini wax, and then they used the same dipper thing on her eye.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Helena
Fox Cancelled Lush Life After Four Episodes
Mom: Where do you want to eat honey?
Six-year-old daughter: Not a bar!
--West Village
Overheard by: Aidan
Me, Too!
Three-year-old, greeting grandma in Starbucks: Grandma! Grandma! Hey grandma, are you wearing your special underpants? Are you wearing your special underpants, grandma?
Grandma (laughing): Yes, yes.
--Brooklyn Heights Starbucks
I Always Miss the Good Gang Initiations
Urban yout' #1: There was cake, yo!
Urban yout' #2 (in sobbing yowl): Caaaake?
Urban yout' #1: Nigger, there was cake! There were two cakes up in that shit!
Urban yout' #2: Yo, that is fucked up! (in small, sad voice) Good cake? What kind?
urban yout' #1: Nigger, these were good cakes. You should have gone, yo.
Urban yout' #2: Fuck. Cake.
--33rd St & 6th Ave
Still Think Children Are Precious?
Four-year-old girl: You know, sometimes I fart from my pagina.
Seven-year-old boy: That's impossible, you cannot fart from your pagina.
Four-year-old girl: Yes, I really fart from my pagina, and I do it all the time.
Seven-year-old boy: How do you know it's from your pagina and not your butt?
Four-year-old girl: I know what comes from my butt and what comes from my pagina. My pagina feels like a button.
Seven-year-old boy: I don't care. You do not fart from your pagina.
Four-year-old girl: Yes, I do, and Cinderella does, too.
Seven-year-old boy: Just stop talking to me.
--Rosa Mexicana, 61st & Columbus
Overheard by: Ariella
Quick--To Google, Everyone!
Middle school-aged girl: I think the video of us dancing is on the internet!
Friend: Are you sure that's a good idea?
Middle school-aged girl: Whatever, no one will see it!
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: Mikaela
Thick and Crusty? Blech!
White-haired man with thick New York accent: She's like a mayonnaise sandwich on Wonder bread.
Younger woman: Ugh, that's awful!
--56th St & 2nd Ave
And by "You" I Mean "Not Me"
Thug #1: And when he walks down the stairs, he's all... (makes obscure hand gesture)
Thug #2: It's on him, though.
Thug #1: Oh, yeah.
Thug #2: I mean, my sister. She's...you know.
Thug #1: I thought it was going to be embarrassing, you know? But it's cool. You talk to the nigga, he's just hilarious, it's all funny, whatever he says.
Thug #3: Yeah, it's cool. Nigga's just totally flaming gay.
Thug #2: His choice, it's on him.
Thug #1: Yeah, man. Whatever you wanna put up your ass, you know, it's cool.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
What Profession Would That Be, Exactly?
Girl #1: I'm still looking for a phone to call from.
Girl #2: Why do you want to call from a 212 area code so bad?
Girl #1: I just don't want to call from an 847 number. I want to keep it professional.
--NYU
Sounds Like a Pyramid Scheme
Yuppie mom #1: It's very blocks focused.
Yuppie mom #2: Blocks?
Yuppie mom #1: Yes, it's a very progressive school. They do very perverse things with the blocks.
Yuppie mom #2: Um, I don't think I understand.
Yuppie mom #1: You know, they use the blocks in literature, in math...if they want to play kitchen, they have to build the kitchen first. It's very progressive.
--12th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Jenny
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