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A Page from Oh, the Places You'll Blow!
Man on subway: Does this train go to 125th Street?
Woman: No. It's going downtown.
Man on subway: Oh, shit. I gotta go to 125th Street and suck a dick to get some crack.
--1 Train
What? I Was at Berkeley in the 70's
Boyfriend: What do they got, babe?
Girlfriend: Um, sandwiches, baked ziti, tossed salad...
Boyfriend: Aaaaw yeeeah. Tooossed saalaad.
Girlfriend: Alex...
Older 50-something: What, what's so funny? What?
Boyfriend: Um...yeah, no. Nothing, I was just being stupid.
(girlfriend giggles)
Older 50-something: What?
(boyfriend whispers in 50-something's ear and she looks confused for a second)
Older aunt: Oh. You mean a rim job.
--Outdoor Cafe, 1st & 7th
Though Some Of the Trimmings Come from Saturn
Man, after looking around store: Where do you get most of your clothes from?
Crazy store owner with face paint on: The moon.
Man: Wait, where?
Crazy store owner with face paint on: Mostly from the moon.
--Clothes Store
Your Editors Have Warned You About This
Guy in stall, as Coldplay's "Viva La Vida" begins to play: Hello? Yeah, what's up? Nothing, just takin' a dump. Taking a dump. Okay, I'll call you later.
Guy in next stall: Fuckin' Coldplay? How gay are you?
Guy in stall: Fuck you, dude!
--TGI Friday's, 5th Ave
He May Just Want to Protect Himself from Giant Fake Nails
Young coed #1: What's with him and hands? He's all about hands. It's weird. He touches every chick's hand and looks at them. What is that?
Young coed #2 (whispering): Hand jobs.
(both laugh hysterically)
Young coed #1: Uuuum, really? What does that mean? He's visualizing?
--A Train
Overheard by: amy d
Unless Anybody Wants to See Me Strip?
(teen comes onto train and does the whole spiel about selling M&Ms for his school, walks up and down the car, no one buys anything)
Teen: I'm also selling weed.
Guy: Really?
Teen: No. But I should go back to dealing, this shit doesn't pay.
--A Train
Overheard by: Graham Davis
...But That's Actually a Tuna Sandwich.
Hipster girl with tattoo: Have you ever masturbated so much your room only smells like pussy?
Hipster girl with nose ring, nonchalantly: It's the best, isn't it?
--Q Train
Overheard by: Alex
Or Did You Mean O'Keeffe?
Guy: So Russia invaded Georgia this morning.
Ditzy girlfriend: Get the fuck out! My aunt lives in Atlanta!
--84th & Broadway
Overheard by: mark
Why You Shouldn't Tell Your Girlfriend Anything
Guy: Hey, Marie, we're going this way. Yeah, Marie...I'm calling you Marie today. Today is "middle name day."
Girlfriend, shrugging: Whatever you say, Carol.
--Canal Street Station
Not the Cylonspital!
Five-year-old girl #1: Then she woke up, and she was in the Cylon hospital.
Five-year-old girl #2, in complete horror: What?!
--Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kate
Well, Before the Entrance Exam and the Interview, Yeah
Queer friend to gangsta, enthusiastically: So, lemme ask you a question! How did you decide you wanted to go through with getting initiated and everything?
Gangsta: What?
Queer friend: Like, how did you decide you wanted to join?
(gangsta whispers into friends ear, cautiously)
Queer friend, loudly: So, that's it? You just walk up to them and say, "hey! I'd like to join the bloods"?
--A Train
How to Get a Promotion at The O'Reilly Factor
Man being introduced to teenager: So, what was your name ag...
Interrupting man, holding a large pamphlet: Want to stick your foot up the devil's ass?
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: flmngarrow
Nobody Sweats Like the Slaves of Fashion
(at the Ghostland Observatory show)
Hipster #1: Oh my god, I'm so sweating so much right now.
Hipster #2: I am too. But it might be because I'm wearing leggings on my arms.
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: mrsmith
Who Needs a Television When You Have New York?
Deranged woman singing "Greatest Love of All": "They can't take away my diiiiiiiiignity..."
Passenger: She doing a stripper dance on that pole! Looks like they took her dignity!
Deranged woman: Mommase, mommasa, momma makosa.
Passenger: She bilingual! But she got her dignity back!
--2 Train
Overheard by: never touch the pole
It's Just That New York State Of Mind
Woman to man: So, how are you?
Man: Oh, I'm just peachy!
Woman: Really? How was your day?
Man: Great, I'm ready to hang myself!
Woman: Why what happened?
Man: Nothing. You know, that's every day. Actually, today wasn't even so bad.
--Subway Station
He Takes His Performance Fees in Cigarettes
Suit #1: Have you heard from Robert? How is he?
Suit #2: He's running his hedge fund from prison.
--79th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Boagy
You Know They'd Cook With Transubstantiated Fats
20 year-old guy: What if the afterlife and hell exists? I mean if it does, there has to be a society because billions of people would be there by now.
Friend: Yeah...
20 year-old: So that's a lot of people, like a society has to emerge since there can't be that many demons and torturers. You would have like a McDonald's and people working there. (pause) But you could be working there, and it could be every day for an eternity.
Friends: That's so much worse than hell.
--New Jersey Transit, Port Authority Bus Terminal
Because You Steal Kids from Orphanages?
Jewish girl: That reminds me of this old Jewish story. Like, there was this queen with seven sons and she had to decide which one would be king, so she told all of them to go bring her a great treasure and they all came back with like gold and jewels but then the youngest one came back with this little orphan girl and he's like "Oh, she just needs love," so the mom is like, "yes, you shall be king!"
(entire class is silent)
Random guy: Wait...what?
Jewish boy: This is why we're oppressed.
--Stuyvesant High School
Plus the Holy Water Always Burns
40-something woman #1: I heard the New Year's Eve party at the church was whack.
40-something woman #2: Thank god I didn't go to church.
--E 42nd St
Overheard by: peterjohn
I Know -- The Color Purple?! What Kinda Fag Shit Is That??
Teen Girl to friend: I'd much rather he got turned on by his two friends than a Broadway show. I mean, how *gay* would that be?
--Boardwalk, Brighton Beach
What's That Supposed to Mean?
Obese Midwestern tourist: So are we gonna go get that falafel thing?
Other Midwestern tourist: Well, if we're gonna go to Hooters we don't need to get the falafel thing.
Obese Midwestern tourist: Why not? I could eat both.
Other Midwestern tourist: Do you know what a falafel thing is?
Obese Midwestern tourist: It's like ice cream.
Other Midwestern tourist: Oh, really? I thought that was gelato.
Obese Midwestern tourist: No, dumbass.
Other Midwestern tourist: Okay, well I guess you'd know...
--7 Train
Overheard by: Caitlin
Dumbledore: Me First!
(group of socialites-in-training exit cab)
Yuppie with dark round glasses: Here's your tip, cabbie.
Cabbie: Oh, great.
Yuppie: Well, fuck you very much.
Cabbie, driving off: Screw you, Harry Potter!
--Canal & Orchard St
Overheard by: Jynx
To Be Fair, It Arrives So Infrequently That Even We Forget.
Subway announcement: The next l train is now arriving on the Manhattan bound track.
Midwest tweaker, to no one in particular: Boo-yah! Buh-buh-buh boo-yah! (blows snot rocket onto subway tracks) The l train? What the fuck is that?
--Bedford L Train
Overheard by: Ben Graney
I Am Their King!
Woman being introduced to a man: You already met me, you never remember my name!
Very angry man: No, I don't know you! I'm no ordinary dummy!
--Flying Saucer Café, Brooklyn
I Think It's Like a Bathroom Thing
Boy #1, looking at picture book: Grapes are purple, corn is yellow, tomatoes are red, edamame is green.
Boy #2: I think those are peas.
Boy #1: What are peas?
--LIRR
Overheard by: loisann
...Until After That Nice Girl Has Finished Dancing
Little girl: Daddy, what's an orgasm?
Dad: It's kinda like a sneeze. Now don't ask me any more questions.
--Times Square
Explains Why I Saw You Cleaning Your Windshield with Her Hair
(guy brings in daughter to work and introduces her to everyone except one woman)
Left out coworker: You brought your daughter in here and introduced her to everyone but me?
Guy: Yeah, so?
Left-out coworker: That's messed up and immature.
Guy: How so? She's my daughter and I do whatever I want with her.
--52nd & 7th
To Be Fair, a Lot Of Us Would Like to Forget About Connecticut
Skinny white girl: Okay, so you know how they're always saying "the Tri-State area"?
Hispanic friend: Yeah.
Skinny white girl: They mean New York, New Jersey, and Atlantic City right?
Hispanic friend: I think so...
--Nail Salon, Kew Gardens
From the All-Hobo Rendition Of the Star Wars Trilogy
Hobo #1: Stop it!
Hobo #2 (pulling away stops and yelling): Is this how you treat your autistic son?
Hobo #1 (shocked): You're not my son!
--34th St & Park Ave
Sylvia Hadn't Realized They Were off Staten Island.
Suit, tapping singing girl on the shoulder: You sing wonderfully.
Girl: Thank you very much.
Suit: Yeah, by "wonderfully" I mean it sounds like a cat getting ass raped by a donkey. So I am sure that everyone else would appreciate you not doing that anymore as it is only 6 am.
(passengers clap)
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Nobody Says Much About Bistro 404
Dude: Oh, man. You need Flash to check out this restaurant's website.
Chick: Does that mean it's really nice?
--Starbucks, W 53rd St
Which Barely Has Running Water
Drunk man: Me and fat Dave, we're goin' out old school!
Female coworker: Old school?
Drunk man: Yeah, Hoboken!
--Restaurant, 52nd & 10th
Whose Basketball Playing Will We Mock Then?
Thug #1: I heard some shit like white people is dying out, like they ain't gonna be here in like a hundred years. Dead ass.
Thug #2: You mean the whole world gonna be like Harlem, and Chinatown and shit?
Thug #1: Yea, nigga.
Thug #2: That shit will be tight, son!
Thug #1 (looking around): Nah, nigga, that shit scary.
--112th & Lexington
Stupid People Don't Know It's Okay to Say "I Don't Know"
Blonde #1: So what exactly is in a piña colada?
Blonde #2: It's pineapple, coconut, and, um...lada.
--3rd Ave & 20th St
Overheard by: Annie Costa
Bacon!
Little girl #1 (shocked): I didn't know your dad smokes!
Little girl #2 (rolling her eyes sighing loudly): Not cigarettes.
--Church & Chambers
That Explains Your 2002 Christmas Card
Michigan tourist: The first time I came to New York, Shannon and I saw two men pull knives on each other--they had a gang fight in the street!
Michigan tourist's mom: Oh my!
Michigan tourist: It was hysterical. We took pictures.
--Long Island Railroad
Wednesday Hotliners
Fat girl at bar: Be hot, be educated, bend me over. That's all I want.
--Kenny's Castaways
Overheard by: Richard
Conductor (bitchily): Ladies and gentlemen, if you think the car you are in is too hot, feel free to get up and move!
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Teenage girl to friend: Yeah, right, like, "Hi, I took the school bus with you in elementary school. Now you're really hot." (both laugh)
--Hunter College High School
Overheard by: Rosebud
Man on phone: Hey man, she was hot. But listen, don't tell her I have a girlfriend, okay?
--5th Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: i'm going to break it to her gently
Teenage girl on cell: Yes, I know you're not supposed to take pills from people you don't know, but he was so hot! And then I think I had sex with him.
--Chinatown Bus Station
Overheard by: Emily
A Lost Generation Of Wednesday One-Liners
Hipster kid: I should just stop wearing underwear altogether.
--Loews Cinema, 84th St
Hipster girl on cell: Is it "i before e" or "e before i"? "E before i," right? I knew it was "i before e"!
--11th & Ave A
Overheard by: Jerome
Drunk hipster girl to boyfriend: I can't afford to buy drugs, I have to buy lunch on Wednesday.
--A Train
Overheard by: Jesse Jack
Angry hipster girl: Why are there so many ATMs everywhere?!
--6th St & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: Cash Money
Hipster girl, commenting on painting to friend: God, you see diamonds everywhere now. They're like the new antlers.
--Bushwick Art Loft
Effing Wednesday One-Liners
Chick on cell: The well of his fuckwaddery springs eternal.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Columbia student: Fuck. Fucking titties! What the fuck? Fucking titties, this is some goddamn bullshit! I really want a snack.
--110th & Broadway
Guy to girl: Are you serious? I'm not fucking creepy, okay? I'm not fucking creepy.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: NYU girl
Man on bicycle, yelling at car: Fuck you! Yeah, use your fucking blinkers, you fuckstick!
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: Helene and Alice
Guy on cell, in monotone with no pauses: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I need you, I need you, I need you, bitch. (hangs up)
--M4 Bus
Project Wednesday One-Linerway
Boy on cell: A swimsuit and a medal? That's a lot of clothes to wear. Hello? Hello?
--NYU
Overheard by: Xy
Man to other sitting on sidewalk: Dude... you know, gloves actually make your hands colder. They're not worth it, man.
--Astor Place
Small Middle Eastern male cashier to white girl: You are wearing things all black! Black bag, black coat, black hair. The only thing not black is you!
--Duane Reade
NYU hipster: People wearing white are in a cult, okay?
--NYU
Overheard by: Boots
Blind lady carrying cane, pointing to clothing on rack: Oh, this this looks good!
--Kmart, 34th St
Overheard by: AussieinNYC
A Fancy Feast of Wednesday One-Liners
60-year-old woman to friend, at Met opening gala: I'm not going to go to the opera this year. There are no fancy entrances.
--62nd & Amsterdam, Improvised Met Entrance
Overheard by: Melissa
Crazy man to group of young women: Hello ladies, are you having a nice night? (women ignore him) You could just say "yes." I'm not Jack the Ripper, I'm not the Boston Strangler...look at you, walking all fancy and shit!
--125th & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Anna
Tourist girl: Y'all, Times Square is so fancy. They have a red lobster!
--Times Square
Hobo: Red lobster? What kind of fancy guy do you know? You're lucky if I can buy you a slice of pizza.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: hungry4biscuits
Crazy guy on subway: You have to hold onto your valuables, your Christmas presents, your fancy lingerie...because if you put them down, someone will take them. People are really fast around here. Men, women, transvestites...transvestites are really fond of fancy lingerie.
--Northbound R Train
Overheard by: ElizabethB
Wednesday Drunk-Liners
Tipsy, barefoot woman, lifting skirt in broad daylight: Gotta air out my coochie!
--W 88th St
Belligerent drunk woman: I've never even heard of these fucking stops! (later) Scarsdale! I don't even know how to spell "Scarsdale"! Other than...Scarsdale. (later) What the fuck is Hartsdale? Slap me across the face with a big dick!
--Metro-North Train
Drunk girl to friends sitting on a couch left on the sidewalk: Don't sit on that couch, it's probably covered in bodily urine!
--East Village
Overheard by: Herr Professor Doktor
Drunk wife to drunk husband during poker game: Don't you dare tell me about things that I don't understand!
--Poker Game, Astoria
Overheard by: NYCWATERBABY
Drunk girl: Bedford Avenue does not know how to find the clit!
--L Train
I Think There's Something Wrong With My Wednesday One-Liner
Girl to friend: You mean the labia? No, that's a vagina part.
--13th & Ave B
Overheard by: Caroline
Woman to friend, in line for bathroom: I'm taking that medication that makes it really dry, again.
--Ethel Barrymore Theater
Overheard by: Crumb Doughnut
Cornelius, crazy hobo: Yo' pussy looks betta' than yo' face!
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Lily London & China Rose
Monotone suit on cell: That pussy better be ready by the time I get home.
--Houston & Broadway
Girl on cell waiting for Port Jefferson train: Okay, be serious for a second, how do you know if you're allergic to latex, though? Really, cause dead honest, it's a puffed mushroom right now. I don't know what to do. Should I go see someone, do you think Henry would notice? Really, what if I turn off the lights?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Chester
Wednesday One-Liners--Easy As 1, 2, 3
Conductor: This is 72nd St. Stand clear of the closing doors. B train. B for "brighten up your day" train. (at the next stop) Folks, this is 59th Street, and just like magic we are now an express train. B express train. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--B Train
Overheard by: ryder
Train conductor: You can transfer to the M as in "money," the N as in "Nick," and the R as in "Romeoooooo!"
--D Train
Guy on cell, giving directions: So you take the D line... No, D as in "David." D! D! A, b, c, d! (pause) No, D. Okay...then you walk down to Hoffman Street... Hoffman Street, as in "Dustin Hoffman." He's that actor, with a big nose, that you really like, the one that's in that movie about your life...yeah...yeah! He's a cross-dresser! Tootsie! That's you, bro!
--Arthur Ave
Overheard by: eternal student
Creepy old man to creepy friend: We should be on the V. V for "vagina". We're on the F. F for "fuck."
--Downtown F Train
Overheard by: CL
Conductor: There is no C train like "Charlie" all weekend. The D train like "Dick" is helping us out. I probably shouldn't have said that. It's okay, you'll overlook that when I tell you that this A train will keep its express status.
--A Train
Overheard by: Nay
Wednesday One-Liners Blame Their Mothers
CCNY student: I've always thought he has psychological problems. (pause) Like, he's one of those people that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.
--Hallway, CCNY
Overheard by: ladyliver
Suit on cell: She is trying to get a good education so that she can pay for therapy later on.
--1250 Broadway
Loud male customer counting out packets of chewing tobacco: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can't seem to live my life. Kermit is my shrink, so of course I'm screwed...
--Smoke Shop, Park Slope
Overheard by: Kiri
Dude hanging up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jewish girls need therapy.
--Good Stuff Diner, 14th St
Overheard by: Kosi
Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you either get help, or you're normal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be normal. Damn.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Sarah
History teacher to class: Does that make you uncomfortable? Because I know I'm mental.
--Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Wednesday One-Liners?
Woman, picking up rubber ball, to employee: Oh, what can you do with this?
--Scholastic Store, Soho
Freshman girl: What do we, like, throw in the recycling bin?
--Leon M. Goldstein High School
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Woman, descending stairs onto train platform: Oh my god! Is that a train?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: curious to know what else she was expecting to see at a train station...
Random tourist to young Asian kid: Do you sell fake bags?
--Canal Street Station
Astute shopper: Do you take Duane Reade cards here?
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: fellow customer
Guy on cell: Bagels with butter? Where am I gonna get that?
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: sarahjane
WednesDEA One-Liners
Loud guy: Hey! Illegal drugs, anyone? Illegal drugs? I want to buy some illegal drugs!
--6th Ave & 34h St
Overheard by: Emily
College girl to friend: Remember that time when you slept with that drug trafficker?
--33rd & 3rd
Man in restaurant: After the roofies I took I was a total mess, it was amazing.
--23rd & 10th
Overheard by: Matt
Man to friend holding Diet Coke: Do you remember when they had this at that gay bathhouse I had to go to because my drug dealer was there?
--Duane Reade
Dude, about crowd: I'm so glad we dropped acid before coming here.
--Trader Joe's, Union Square
Overheard by: Kat
Loud girl on cell: She can't just call you up and like, reminisce and be like, "remember when we loved each other?" Oh, and I don't even want to talk about the conversation we had this morning. There's no excuse to do acid!
--Wagner College
The Liquid Assets Of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. There is a problem with a signal and there are trains in front of us. The good news is, there's a bar car!
--Metro North
Overheard by: Anna
Obese lady buying pork chops to obese friend: I be cutting down on on soda.
--Troy Ave & Park Place
Exasperated woman: And he was drinking Jack Daniels before he even got to my place...
--3rd & 6th
Overheard by: j
Female suit on cell: Well, what do you expect? It was green Gatorade and grain alcohol!
--Broadway & 54th St
Overheard by: Loren
Bag lady to another: Listen, Alice, if you don't want to lose your leg, you gotta drink water, they'll take your legs otherwise.
--42nd St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Robin
Frantic woman on cell: Oh my god! There is no soy milk anywhere in this city! (sprints out of Starbucks)
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: ellie
Tough guy outside bar with friends: So I like apple juice. What the fuck?
--East Village
...Having to Dye Your Hair Blond and Everything.
Random girl: Mr. Smith*, you should come see the play tonight. I'm playing a retard and a Barbie!
Teacher: That must be quite a stretch for you.
--Bard High School Early College
Same Thing Happened to Me at a Strip Club. True Story
Pet shop owner: Don't touch the puppies!
Girl: He touched me!
Pet shop owner: He can't read. The sign is there for you.
--Pet Shop
But We're Headed to Queens!!
Obnoxious female tourist: Help, I'm lost!
Cop: No you're not! You're on the f train!
--F Train
When You're Holding a Fist Full Of Hundreds, Yeah.
Rushing lady: Hold that train! Hold that train!
(conductor waits until she's on board)
Fellow commuter: That works?!
--6 Train
Overheard by: wikigreenwood
You've Been Saving That Up All Day, Haven't You?
Young male professional: So no, you're wrong about that point, we're going to do it my way.
Young female professional: I hope you get a diaper rash so bad that you start walking like King Kong raped you!
--38th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Untuned2thebeat
Isn't It Great That We Can Talk Like This?
Black MTA employee guy: My brother is the conductor on this train.
Hispanic MTA employee woman: Is that right? What's his name?
Black MTA employee guy: I don't know.
Hispanic MTA employee woman: You don't know his name? And he's your brother?
Black MTA employee guy: He's a brother from another mother. You know, kinda light-skinned, with freckles.
Hispanic MTA employee woman: Oh, I know that guy. He hangs out with what's-his-name.
Black MTA employee guy: Yeah, right.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Stephanie Luke
She's More Interested in the Facts Than Fox News
Stone cold crazy panhandler lady, entering subway car: That man in the brown jacket, who's gonna tell you not to give me money, he's the JonBenet Ramsey rapist.
Impressed observer, reaching for wallet: That was definitely worth a dollar.
Stone cold crazy panhandler lady, walking on: And then in Carrie, they put the blood on the people and then they jerked off the dog.
Impressed observer: I should have given her two dollars.
--Downtown D Train
Overheard by: stephie
He Also Sells Girl Scout Cookies Outside Weight Watchers Meetings
Guy holding unlit cigarette: Hey, got a light?
Woman exiting building: You're standing outside a cancer hospital, asshole.
--York Ave & E 67th St
Overheard by: quitalongtimeago
Folgers Commercials Get More Racy Every Year
Old woman: Everyday I wake up is a good day.
(pause)
Old man: Everyday I get a boner is a good day.
--Grand Central
We're Not That French
Little boy, collapsing onto mother's lap: I am so hungover.
Mother: What?! No you're not! (to anyone within earshot) No, he's not.
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Darcie
Even the Nuns in This Town Are Sassy
Nun: A donation please for St. Francis? (stretches out her hand with a silver plate)
Woman: I'm sorry.
Nun: Yeah, ya look it.
--Union Square Holiday Market
Overheard by: stacey
Buying Me a MacBook Air Would Greatly Expedite That Process
Dad to sullen goth son: Are you okay?
Goth: I will be...someday.
--Midtown
Unless That's You, Lord
Suit, after losing a sleeve button on escalator: Oh, motherfucker!
Pre-recorded service announcement: Have a nice day!
Suit: Yeah, fuck you too.
--E Train
Should We Do That for Our Science Fair Project?
Teen girl: My dad told me that pee was nutritious.
Friend: Oh? Pee's only like 95% water and 5% waste. I don't think there's any nutrition in it.
Teen girl: Oh.
(a few minutes later)
Teen girl: Do you think pee would taste like sugar if all you ate were sugar and water?
Friend: Then wouldn't the pee be like 95% water and 5% sugar?
--6 Train
Dude, Even Alanis Morissette Would Know That Wasn't Ironic
Guy #1: Dude! You're such a girl! (laughs)
Guy #2: You know, the only reason that insults like that even work is because they're ironic. So shut the fuck up.
--F Train
It Kind of Just Slows Down, and You Need to Jump
Confused man: Does this train stop at 48th St?
Four random people, in unison: No!
Train conductor on loudspeaker: The next stop is 48th Street.
(confused man looks even more confused)
--Downtown V Train
Overheard by: jonescicles
Because I Can Totally Work a Carpet Steamer
Girl #1: Boys make me so angry. Sometimes I think about changing teams.
Girl #2: You can't just "change teams". You have to be picked for that team.
Girl #1: What? How do I get picked?
Girl #2 (laughing): You have to clean the carpets of all the team members.
Girl #1 (after pause): What kind of team are we talking about?
--12th Street
Overheard by: Team Player
Bob and CNNdy Are Such a Cute Couple
Guy: So, Plaxico Burress shoots himself with an illegal gun, and now he's going to be the next Senator from Illinois?
Girl: Sometimes I have no idea why I dated you.
--R Train
Overheard by: Yeah, it took me a second, too.
I Guess It's More Like Doing the Macarena
Goth female store employee #1: It's not like I'm amputating a leg.
Goth female store employee #2: Not technically.
--Manhattan Store
Right, But It's More Like, "Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Ohhh!"
Preppy girl: Well, then it gets hard, duh!
Preppy guy: But... Oh... Oh!
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Angel
He Doesn't Crawl, He Pole Vaults
Hispanic male (about son): It's like this long! (demonstrates with fingers)
Hispanic female: Wow!
Hispanic male: I swear. I'm so proud of him.
--M Train
Overheard by: bsmpm
Remember the Old Saying: "Not a Lot of Room/You Don't Have a Womb"
Guy: How do you know I don't have a uterus?
Girl: Because you're too skinny to have one!
--Rooftop Party, South Williamsburg
Overheard by: wombat
Them, and the Handicapped People in Charge of English
Guy #1: Wait, so they make oranges out of meat?
Guy #2: No, they just call that part "the meat of the fruit." There's no actual meat involved.
Guy #1: That's retarded! Who comes up with this shit?
Guy #2: I guess the people who grow the shit.
--Mott & Canal
I'm Never Letting You Dog-Sit Again.
Tranny to friend: I shat all over his dick last night, and he licked it up off the floor.
Friend: Oh, honey!
--4th Ave & 12th St
...As It's Known in Scotland...
Girl: Excuse me, do you know if there's a Bed Bath & Beyond around here?
Confused doorman: Bloody bed and be what?
--47th & 2nd, Dag Hammerskjold Towers
Overheard by: Doug Stone
Ooo, or a Prada Bag!
Queer #1: So, what do you want to do tonight?
Queer #2: I don't know, what do you want to do?
Queer #1: I want to have sex tonight!
Queer #2: You want to have sex with me!
Queer #1: No, with a stranger!
Queer #2: Well...we could put a brown bag over my head!
--17th & 7th Cafeteria
The DVD's Selling Briskly
Girl #1: Will you be my Valentine?
Girl #2: Of course!
Girl #1: Yay! Let's smear dark chocolate all over our buttocks and spank each other with peacock feathers! And suck on each others candy necklaces.
Girl #2: You're kinky.
Girl #1: You know it.
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: kinkyvalentines
On the Other Hand, That Bottle Was Probably Made by Kids
Teen to hobo tossing empty bottle on the ground: Hey, don't leave that here! Kids play around here!
Hobo: I hate kids.
Random passerby: You can't beat that logic!
--Central Park
Open Up Those Thighs and Let Him In!
Tired commuter: I'm just gonna sit here...I'm too tired to stand.
(she squeezes in small space between two girls.)
Angry girl: You know, you shouldn't touch people's thighs!
Tired commuter: Ooooh, you need Jesus!
--Uptown A Train
Overheard by: ...because that logically follows?
So Pretty Much the Same As the Semester
Girl #1: So how's your break going?
Girl #2: Oh, you know, I've been stumbling upon a lot.
--Mulberry St
Our Offspring Would Still Be More Attractive Than British Children
Woman #1, reading about a moose: He uses his antlers to fight battles and attract mates.
Woman #2: He's got my attention.
--American Museum of Natural History
Ann Coulter: The Tour Guide Years
Local: Over there is yon castle. Scientists believe that the castle is haunted by the ghosts of unwed mothers.
Tourist: Sounds scary.
Local: You are wise to fear it.
--The Great Lawn, Central Park
It May or May Not Be the Key to Resolving the Energy Crisis
Ditzy blond fashion plate: So, I've called her like five times, and I feel kind of stupid, 'cuz it's just lip gloss, but it was like a $38 lip gloss, and I really want it back.
Ditzy brunette fashion plate: Everyone on the train is totally laughing at us.
Ditzy blond: Yeah, I mean it is just lip gloss. Really good lip gloss, though.
Ditzy brunette: Whatever, lip gloss is important!
--Commuter Train, Penn Station
Overheard by: afalpi
But He Wrote It under the Pseudonym "Anne Frank"
Redhead: Do you keep a standard diary?
Brunette: No.
Redhead: You should. Winston Churchill did, and Winston Churchill won World War II.
Brunette: I think Hitler had a diary, too.
--Fort Greene Park
Overheard by: Lulu
Are You Even Allowed to Be a Chooser?
Hobo, picking up a nervous patron's martini glass: Dang, this looks good--do you mind...?
Woman: No, it's all yours, you can have it. I don't want it anymore.
Hobo, sipping, then violently spitting vodka to the ground: Lord! This taste like shit! White folks ain't got no taste for alcohol.
Woman: That's a Belvedere martini.
Hobo: Yeah, that supposed to be good?
--30th & 3rd
Overheard by: Anniemal
People Here Are Way Too Busy Being Hip
Drunk guy #1, to buddies: Hey, fuckheads! It's this way!
Drunk guy #2: Man, we totally almost just died.
Drunk guy #1: Dude, no one is gonna to kill you here. We're in the East Village.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: JD
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