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The Supreme Court Adores Distinctions Like That
Girl: Ugh. I hate rude people!
Boy: Umm...you're wearing sunglasses indoors.
Girl: That's not rude, that's pretentious.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: steph
Since the French Developed a Taste for Overpriced, Too-Sweet Coffee
Rich brunette: Like, I was just in Europe and it's all the same. Like, Paris and London are exactly the same as New York, there's no difference!
Blonde: But they speak French in Paris, though.
Rich brunette: But they even have Starbucks there too!
--Bryant Park
Further Evidence That Astrology Is Bullshit
Birthday girl: It's my birthday today!
Sales rep: Oh yeah? It's my brother-in-law's birthday today, too.
Birthday girl: Well, he must be totally awesome!
Sales rep: Yeah, he's in rehab for drugs.
--26th & Madison
I Dig Chicks With Mustaches
Russian girl to hipster: What's wrong with your hair?
Hipster: I dunno, what's wrong with your face?
Russian girl: (silence)
Hipster: So, what's your name?
--Q Train
Overheard by: Himani
I'm Beginning to Regret Abducting Them from That Playground in the First Place
Husband (about kids): I can't take them any more.
Wife: We were just as bad.
Husband: I was never bad. I was always good.
Wife: I was bad. I was a horror.
Husband: Then you deserve them!
--Central Park, Near Delacorte Theater
Overheard by: Lisa B.
If Only There Was a Way to Solve Both These Problems
Guy to begging bag lady: Somebody stinks!
Begging bag lady, over her shoulder: Somebody could lose some weight!
--Uptown C Train
Ever Since We Learned About Alliteration in English Class
Chubby teen with big ass: Guess what, mom...I have a new nickname.
Parent: What is it?
Chubby teen with big ass: They call me "tiny tush." Whenever I see them they go, "hey, look, it's tiny tush!"
--F Train
Wait-- It's Because Of Your Almond Eyes!
Black guy to Asian girl passerby: Excuse me, I don't want to be rude, but I've always wanted to have sex with an oriental chick. So...can we get a room or something?
Asian girl: Uhm...it's "Asian," not "oriental," 'k? (she walks off)
--69th St & 5th Ave
And I Made 'em Fill My Teeth With Jelly
Asian guy: So you really love chicken, huh?
Big white guy: Actually no, its not really healthy to eat a lot of meat.
Asian guy (looking confused): But you eat all those crazy amounts of skittles in your desk, right?
Big white guy: Yeah, but I don't have any cavities. I mean, I had some and got them filled, but I don't have any cavities right now.
--Wall St
If Being Agreeable Will Get Me Laid, Sure.
College girl: So, where are you from?
Indian guy: I'm from Bombay.
College girl: Is that, like, close to Pompeii?
--F Train
Here Comes One Now
Girl: You left me for two hours!
Hot gay guy: You left me for one hour!
Girl: I had an errand to run! You did not!
Hot gay guy: My organism is an errand!
Girl: Do normal people do this? When I'm bored, I read or do something constructive.
Hot gay guy: When I'm bored, I have an orgasm.
--9th & Ave C
Um, Have You Seen "Sex and the City"?
Gay man: And over here, I like to call it "shoe street," cuz they have shoe after shoe after shoe after shoe store!
Tourist: They have shoes in New York?
--M8 Bus
Overheard by: They Have Shirts Here, TOO!!
Do You Go out of Your Way to Miss My Point?
White guy: Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"?
White girl: Why?
White guy: Because black people have no rights.
White girl: Isn't Beyonce, like, Latino?
--74th St & Lexington
Now I'm Glad I Never Met Her
Girl #1: Aww, she friend-dumped you?
Girl #2: Yeah, she friend-dumped me on Gmail!
--13th St & 3rd Ave
Homeless Guy, Homeless Guy, Make Me a Match
Desperate middle-aged woman #1: You know, women outnumber men these days...
Desperate middle-aged women #2: I know. I mean, where can you go to find single middle aged men?
Homeless guy: Boston market!
--Gramercy
Toddler: "Hey, Do I Make 'Flied Lice' Jokes, Lady?"
(toddler speaks incoherent babble and falls. Father picks her up)
Asian lady to white husband, in thick accent: Oh! Did you see baby! What did it say? What did it say? A chi bi ta bi da? Hahahaha! What did it say?
--Boathouse, Central Park
Overheard by: offended for the baby
When the Russians Finally Took Over the U.S., It Wasn't Worth Anything
Old Russian cabbie: I'm George Bush.
Sleepy teen: Nice to meet you, Mr. President.
(cabbie looks satisfied and pulls away)
--Eugene O'Neill Theater
Brooklyn, the Town Too Tough to Toilet Train
Young boy, pointing out the subway window at the Gowanus Canal: Look, mom, a lake!
Mom: That ain't no lake! That's where the dookie comes out!
--F Train
Overheard by: jenmarie
In Days of Old, Just a Glimpse of Them Was Looked on As Something Shocking
American-born Indian guy with cream colored bell bottoms tucked in a paisley shirt: There's something about fob-y girls from Asia that is so sexy--they wear stockings.
Filipino American girls #1 and #2: Uhh, what?
American-born Indian guy: Yeah! There are studies that have been done on it, like by Duke University. It's like 20 pages long. Look it up.
--Prince & Elizabeth
Overheard by: based on what you're wearing, ONLY girls wearing stockings would find YOU sexy
At Least Let Me Purell It First
Little boy: (making loud fake chewing noises progressively getting louder)
Mom: Quiet down now!
Little boy: But mom, look, I'm chewing my arm!
--Manhattan Express Bus #9
Overheard by: Jessica R
How Do You Recover from Something Like This?
Random guy on street: You have a great day, beautiful lady.
Girl: Thank you.
Random guy on street: No, not you. Her! (points to the girl behind her)
--Waverly Place & 6th Ave
Isn't That What's Inside a Memory Foam Mattress?
Girlfriend: This frappuccino tastes like foam.
Boyfriend: I guess they put a lot of foam in yours.
Girlfriend: Oh my god, they should make a foam-flavored frappuccino.
--Shuttle from Times Square to Grand Central
Overheard by: valerie
Portrait of the Life-Coach As a Young Boy
Weary mom with two kids: I'm afraid today is almost too much for mommy.
Toddler: Why?
Weary mom: Because we have to get Sylvia (motions to stroller) home before she falls asleep, and we're pushing our luck.
Toddler: We can do it.
Weary mom, sighing: I admire your spirit.
Toddler: What's "spirit"?
Weary mom: It means your attitude. Your confidence.
Toddler, with renewed energy: We can do it!
--Railway Station Platform
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Who Says New Yorkers Are Unhelpful?
Tourist looking at a subway map, drawing a line with his finger: Where does this train go?
New Yorker : Exactly where you just pointed.
--B Train
Sales-- It's Not Delivery, It's Degrading
T-shirt seller for Hair: Buy a t-shirt or a sweatshirt! The actors may be naked, but you don't have to be!
T-shirt seller friend: You need to work on your delivery.
T-shirt seller: Yeah, I know.
--Shakespeare in the Park
Overheard by: Natalie
The Governor's Mansion Ain't What It Used to Be, Baby
20-something grunge girl #1: So I plan on getting really trashed tonight, do you think I can crash there tonight?
20-something grunge girl #2: I wouldn't recommend it. Last time I crashed there I ended up with scabies.
--L Train
Overheard by: Anthony's Gal
Unlike Earlier Today, in Court
Brunette, after woman walks away from her: Oh great, now I can stick my hand up my skirt.
Blonde: Oh, perfect timing!
--Victoria's Secret, 86th St
...And Letting Me Steal Your Wallets?
Old man: Are you guys tourists or something?
Couple: Yes.
Old man: Is that why you're walking so fucking slow?!
--8th St Station
Overheard by: Mary Button
How New Yorkers Turn That Frown Upside Down
Woman #1: So I get out of the station and I get on the bus and I text my boss, and what happens? Man don't even look at his phone! I get in and he starts yelling at me! Boy was he embarrassed when I said hello, I already texted you and told you someone fell in front of my train and I was gonna be late!
Woman #2: Ha ha ha! That's hilarious!
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Ever Wish You Could Snap Pictures of Tourists?
Tourist trying to get through the turnstile with a credit card: Didn't this work last time?
Tourist friend: Try my Visa, maybe yours is expired.
--Bryant Park Station
Overheard by: casey
The Day Rebecca Went Against the Grain
Middle Eastern man surrounded by bags of rice: Would you like to buy some rice?
Young woman: No, thanks.
Middle Eastern man: But it's good rice. Good strong rice.
Young woman: Oh, I've got plenty of rice at home.
Middle Eastern man: But your rice no good. This rice much better.
Woman (offended, screaming): You don't know what kind of rice I eat!
(long pause)
Middle Eastern man, sheepishly: Only $20.
--F Train
Overheard by: really wondering what kind of rice she eats
Yeah, My Giant Penis Piercing May Have Been a Mistake
Guy in crowd: Don't touch me!
Friend: Dude, maybe you shouldn't say that here.
Guy: No, I mean you--you're the one who peed on your hands.
--All Points West Ferry Line
Meet the Poster Children for Bike Helmets
Kid on scooter: Where are the brakes on this?
Kid on scooter #2: What is "brakes?"
--Sunset Park
Overheard by: blistxaddict
The CDC Has Issued a Travel Advisory
Boyfriend, looking at girlfriend's iPhone: Who is this guy Nick that you're talking to?
Ditzy girlfriend: Whatever...you don't have to worry about him. He's from New Jersey, so I would never touch him.
Boyfriend: What's that have to do with anything?
Ditzy girlfriend: Hello! Everyone knows that everyone in New Jersey has STDs!
--7 Train
Headline by: kate
Runners-Up:
· "Experience=Wisdom" - Fresca
· "I Only Cheat on You Within the Five Boroughs" - The Cleveland Kid
· "It's Why They Have 50 Different Words for Painful Urination" - Brother Elmer
· "Nick: I Told Her That's Not What "Suburbia" Is..." - Porter
· "Why Lincoln & Holland Toll Takers Wear Gloves" - Leary Blaine
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Whatever Happened to the Simple Days Of Throwing Keys Into a Hat?
Old man: I went to a party the other night--it was a girlfriend-swapping party!
Cook: Oh, yeah?
Old man: I hadda throw in cash!
--Greasy Spoon, Church St
Overheard by: missal
Or, in Ice Cream Terminology, a "Swirl"
Woman in car: She's not black. She's albino.
Woman on street: What?
Woman in car: She's half black, half white. That's called "albino."
--Hall St., Brooklyn
Milk-Fed Fish
Loud bridge and tunnel chick #1, reading the menu: Can someone translate this for me? What is "veal"?
Loud bridge and tunnel chick #2: Oh, oh, I've heard of that! It's a kind of fish.
--Serafina on Lafayette
Overheard by: Vivian Brodie
Nobody Knows the Trouble Wednesday One-Liners Seen
Hobo to white guy walking with three black friends: What's up, slave owner?
--The Village
Girl on phone: We should practice selling ourselves to each other.
--Subway Sandwiches, 38th & 7th
Crazy man on train: America! America! Anybody wanna buy some white people?
--A Train
Ditzy girl to friend: So I had this black boyfriend one time, and we had to break up because he kept talking about slavery. I was all, hello, I'm Czech, my people were slaves too.
--Columbia University School of Social Work
Overheard by: Eric
Black toddler to mortified white nanny: Wanna play slave?
--Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners: The Forgotten Borough
Girl on cell: He's thinking of moving to Queens, and really I don't think we're going to be able to last through that.
--1 New York Plaza
Pretty 20-something on phone: So, I mean, I totally have a newfound appreciation for homicidal rages. Who the hell would ditch me for some ugly fag from Queens? Seriously, I should kill him. Or, just leave him in Queens...forever. Would that be a war crime?
--Wall Street
Overheard by: ...I almost asked
30-something suit to another: I'll tell you though, it's not easy getting laid in Queens.
--Court St. & Montague
Overheard by: Kaiti
Enthusiastic, articulate conductor: As you can see, we're at the 21st Street stop! This is the first stop in Queens, soooo welcome to Queens! The next and final stop on this train is Courthouse Square. Now that we all know, let's be on our way!
--G Train
Overheard by: I wish this guy narrated all of my subway trips
Girl's in Queens for the first time: you can order milkshakes and cigarettes from the diner any time of night? This place is a fucking wonderland!
--Queens
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Kosher
Suit on Bluetooth headset: You just lie on the ground and squeal like a pig!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Justin
Chick on cell: A theatrical fashion show of people in assless pleather chaps and pig masks...
--W 26th St b/w 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Ladle
Hipster chick: I love bulldogs; they're like little alien piglets.
--9th St & 2nd Ave
Sorority girl, walking dog, to friend: Didn't you have a pig you could squeeze and make poop come out?
--113th St b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Professor: Your mother is a pigfucker. Now, I hope you don't all go home and cry because I said that.
--Brooklyn College
Wednesday One-Liners Locate Carmen Sandiego
Guy on cell: I'm walking to my room from breakfast. Then I'm going to take a dump. Then I'm going downstairs.
--Hallway, Marriott Courtyard Hotel
Barista walking in, to no one in particular: Unfortunately, I'm here.
--Starbucks, Brighton Beach
Overheard by: Robert
Lost tourist: We are stuck here in the middle of Times Square!
--Rockefeller Center
NYU girl on phone: Hello? No. No, I can't meet you. Because I'm lost. I'm lost in the West Village. You know how the streets there get weird? I have no idea where I am. I've been wandering around for hours and I don't know if I'll ever make it back, ever! No, don't try to find me, I haven't seen any street signs in ages. Okay, see you tomorrow...maybe not.
--Union Square
Loud black drag queen yelling into cell: Bitch, don't play with me! I know where you at!
(pause) Where you at?
--34th St & 8th Ave
Just Wait 'Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners Of Your Own!
Stroller mom admonishing toddler: Connor! Connor, stop that now. Connor, I'm going to count to three...in French. Un, deux, trois.
--Broadway & 93rd St
Father, teaching five-year-old son to urinate in the street: Okay, son, now you've gotta shake it.
--Fordham Road
Mom to seven-year-old daughter, on Yom Kippur: Only you could complicate a bagel purchase.
--Absolute Bagels, 108th & Broadway
Yuppie mommy to naughty child: Stop it! Stop acting up! Look, this is the reason people don't have kids.
--Starbucks
Woman to young sons: You see that boy in that other train over there? I'm gonna give him your present if you don't be quiet.
--6 Train
Father to three rowdy children: You guys are gonna need to calm down, this is gonna be a two hour ride and there is no bar car on this train. Which is unfair to daddies with 3 kids.
--Grand Central
Peanut, Pinenut, Ground Nut, Wednesday One-Liner Nut...
Ghetto girl: Hmm, I know what a peanut is, but what a walnut is?
--147th & Broadway
Man on cell: It's quite possible that my left nut is bigger than my right nut.
--82nd & Broadway
Girlfriend to boyfriend: So that's why Yoda sounds like busting a nut!
--Ave A & 6th St
Guy to friend: I've been bitten in the nuts by two different Scottish Terriers.
--7th Ave b/w 24th & 25th
Overheard by: Carmen
Guy on cell: I'm just like an anorexic. Every time they look in the mirror, they think "I'm not skinny enough," but I look in the mirror and think "these pants aren't tight enough," even though everyone tells me they can see my nuts.
--L Train
Wednesday One-Liner: What Is It Good For?
Cleaner: What a pair of tits on that girl! That's why we go to war, that's why we're in Iraq!
--Service Elevator, Lexington & 41st St
Overheard by: Nicky
Annoying chick, about John McCain: I mean, he was a POW because he fucked up!
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: megan
Security guard, breaking up fight during peace march: You can't fight at the peace march! You can't fight at the peace march!
--143 & Malcolm X
Woman to screaming three-year-old: And that's why you have to register to vote! Or else they'll draft you and you'll have to go to war!
--33rd & 2nd
Girl on phone: I can just get a pass from the Israeli army. Don't worry about it. They're easy.
--NYU Palladium Dining Hall
Wednesday One-Liners Go with the Flow
Woman to friend: Childbirth is just really bad menstrual cramps, that's all!
--Varick St
Overheard by: Cool Breeze
Woman to toddler: Put the rest of the money back in the tampon box.
--14th St Subway Station
Overheard by: alex
Girl crossing street to friend: And then I had my period for a month!
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Wondering what kind of birth control she's on
30-something woman on cell: He said he didn't care, and pulled the tampon out of me.
--Bedford Ave & N 8th St
Overheard by: tamphex twin
Girl to guy: I thought I smelled alcohol, but it was just my menstruation.
--N Train
Wednesday One-Linered...With Children
Old Jewish woman to very nervous Asian 25-year-old bride to be: Honey, I've been married 53 years. The secret to a great marriage? Give him lots of sex. Lots of good sex.
--Dumbo, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tanya
Man on cell: I told her I would convert. We could go to Vegas and get married next week, no problem.
--64th & Amsterdam
Woman on phone: My ex-boyfriend was 24 and he was able to support me, and you're 35 on an engineer's salary and you can't do the same. Do you know how many guys are begging to marry me, and can give me a dowry? So fuck you!
--Target Store, Brooklyn
Hispanic woman on phone: So where are you now? You already married him? Oh, okay. See you later.
--28th & Park Avenue South
Overheard by: Alie
Five-year-old boy to teacher about five-year-old girl next to him: We're going to get married. (to five-year-old girl) What's your name again?
--61st & Amsterdam
Could You Use "Wednesday One-Liners" in a Sentence?
Girl to friend: I know, man! I was like, "Expelliarmus!"
--116th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Bahnahd
College guy to his friends: If you use the word "status quo" in a paper, you're guaranteed to get at least an A.
--Cental Park
Overheard by: dizzle
Smug dude: He told me he needed a dictionary to have a conversation with me. I mean, just because instead of saying...um...like...well, instead of a short word...I use a big one.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ivory Girl
Old man to another: What's that word mean, "egotistical"? You blindsided me with that word! Egotistical!
--Reading Room, Bryant Park
Overheard by: Jessie
Woman on cell: You never heard of tilapia? You got to get out of the hood!
--St. John's & Classon
Overheard by: Mollie
Wednesday Bloodliners
Girl to guy: And then he cheated on me with his male and female cousin.
--9th & 21st, Chelsea
Guy on phone: You should tell him next time he should keep his dick in his sister.
--72nd & Central Park West
Guido, getting his hair cut, in a thick Staten Island accent: Show me where it says in the Holy Bible that you can't bang your stepsister.
--Staten Island Barber Shop
Overheard by: Snewsboy
Dude on cell: Bitch, I don't care how much you give me, your ass just ain't worth it. (pause) Plus, I can just get it for free from my sister.
--Coffee Shop, Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: really hope he didn't mean what i thought...
Girl to mother, after game: I'd rather go down on my sister than take the d train to Times Square right now.
--Old Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: datura0001
Embrace Your Wednesday One-Liners
Guy at party: I'm known for my creepy hugs.
--16th St & Union Square
Overheard by: Kitty
Hobo: Okay, you know the drill. I'm hungry, give me money so I can buy breakfast.
(nobody does) Alright, if you don't want to give any money, if you're reasonably attractive, hug a brotha! That works too.
--F Train
Panhandler: Any little bit helps, folks. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters. If you don't have any money this morning and you're, like, really attractive, you can just give me a big hug and rub up on me a little bit, and we'll call it even.
--F Train
Overheard by: kdice
Woman's voice on public announcement system: You want me to hug you?
--Port Authority
Ghetto Latina, seeing MTA worker hug crying bag lady: Shit, I'm from the Bronx, born and raised, and I ain't never seen no subway man be giving out free hugs. I seen shouting matches, I seen drug deals, I seen fist fights, but I ain't never seen no free hugs in a subway station. That's some fuckin dedication right there.
--59th St. Subway Station
Overheard by: slc boy
Subway panhandler: If you don't have any food, but you do happen to be, like, incredibly good looking, I do accept hugs. (middle aged man with L.L.Bean backpack smiles and holds his arms open invitingly) I'll have to give you a raincheck on that one, sir.
--F Train
Overheard by: linda
We Imagine His Next Line Is Something About Making Love, Not War
Suit: So how are you ladies doing?
Cute girl #1: Um, fine. You?
Suit: Good! I'm Paul.
Cute girl #1: So Paul, what do you do?
Suit: Guess.
Cute girl #2: World of Warcraft?
--Black Door Bar
Overheard by: On the periphery
Isn't That a Required Course for NYC Preschools?
Dad: Jesus, we're going to get mugged in here.
Four-year-old: Dad, what does "mugged" mean?
Dad: It means "assaulted."
--Morningside Park
Overheard by: Leonard
Does That Even Work on JDate?
Girl: Sorry, my friends are waiting for me.
Guy: What? You don't like nice Jewish boys with trust funds?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: A
Once You Commit to a Woman, Her Warranty Expires
Goofy guy, trying and failing to pick up a stranger: The thing is, I had a big fight with my girlfriend this morning.
Woman (about to get off bus): Oh, sorry. That's never easy...my advice to you is, reconcile.
Goofy guy: Yeah, well, but she's a little bipolar.
--Westbound 57 Bus
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Black People Get Tired Of White People Fairly Early in Life
Black guy: How can I help you?
White guy, pointing at bread loaf: what kind of bread is that?
Black guy: That's multigrain.
White guy: I like white bread. Do you have any white bread? Not to be racist or anything.
--Bakery
I Just Play One on The Hills
Girl #1: That's a cute dress. Are you going to wear it with leggings.
Girl #2: I don't own leggings.
Girl #1: Why not?
Girl #2: Because I'm not an asshole.
--Penn Station
For I, Your Gay Boyfriend, Am a Jealous Boyfriend
Musical theater chick: But I thought I was going to plan your 30th birthday party!
Guy: You can't just go around sleeping with Australian fitness directors and then expect to plan my party.
Musical theater chick: But I thought I was going to plan it!
Guy: You're not planning shiiiiiit.
--F Train
Overheard by: JP
When Others Smoke So We Don't Have to
Young NYU girl #1: That was the closest thing to getting stoned I've ever done without actually smoking pot.
Young NYU girl #2: Yeah, totes.
--Union Square
Like in Labyrinth, When He Fondles Those Glass Balls
Guy, looking down and putting newspaper over crotch: Well, you gave me a boner.
Girl: I'm sorry, David Bowie just turns me on.
--4th & Broadway
Would You Like It If I Said Manhattan Was in New Jersey?
Croatian dude: I'm Croatian, I'm from Croatia. Bosnians are from Bosnia, and so on.
Dumb lady: Oh, you mean Belgium?
--Broadway & 21st
Mmmm, Pixels...
Twelve-year-old nerd: Yeah, man, you know what I'm a do this weekend?
Friend: What, homo?
Twelve-year-old nerd: I'm a get drunk, cause I can.
Friend: Then what?
Twelve-year-old nerd: Then I'm a get hot chicks to show me their boobs on MySpace.
--N Train
Overheard by: amii.
The Birth of the Mimosa
Suit #1: Do you want a drink?
Suit #2: It's 7 o'clock in the morning.
Suit #1: And...?
--E 44th & Lex
Overheard by: Cran
But the Mooses and the Geesies Don't Seem to Have That Problem
Man: There's an overpopulation of deer in the country.
Girl: Deers!
Man: Right, deers.
--Prospect Park Boathouse
But I Only Throw with the Left.
Teenager #1: Yeah, I'm ambi-dicks-trous.
Teenager #2: What?
Teenager #1: Yeah, I can write with both my dicks.
--West Village
Other Than Taking a Surreptitious Ultrasound
Blonde girl: So, how do you politely say "are you pregnant, or are you just getting fat and gross?"
Other girl (after long pause): Yeah, I don't think there is anyway to do that politely.
--Times Square
Overheard by: josh5674
Ad: Help Us Find a Cure for Male Refrigerator Blindness--Today
Boyfriend: Hun, where are the turkey bags?
Girlfriend: Hunny! They are right in front of your eyes!
Boyfriend: Oh, I see them, thanks.
Girlfriend: What would you ever do without me?
Male stranger: You would be a lonely bachelor like me.
Girlfriend: Oh! That's sad.
--Fairway Foods, 125th St
Overheard by: spencer dorn
Sample Sales Can Get Vicious
Gay guy #1: You're a single lady, though! It doesn't even matter!
Gay guy #2: Exactly. So I was all, "If you like it, then you should've just peed on it."
--81st St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: a new beyonce fan
And Move on to Other People's
Three-year-old distraught child: Mommy, mommy, she thought I was five years old.
Grandmother: Do you know why? Because she thought you were a big boy!
Mother: When you're five, you're going to stop sucking your... (waits for a response)
Three-year-old, face now lit up: My penis!
--79th & 5th
Ever Seen My Titties, Dude?
Black hipster guy, pointing at newspaper: Look, look at this, I was right! I told you so! Tell me I was right.
Redhead hipster girl: Yeah, you were right.
Black hipster guy: Tell me I was right, and that I'm a sexy motherfucker, and that you want my cock really bad.
Redhead hipster girl: Okay, you were right, you're a sexy motherfucker, and I want your cock sooo bad. (starts whispering in his ear)
Black hipster guy, pushing her away: What is wrong with you? Who raised you? Were you raised by wolves...slutty wolves?
--Uptown 1 Train
Ooh, Number Two Should Be How She's a Poopy-Head!
Girl #1: I just want to send her a message with a list of all the reasons I hate her.
Girl #2: I know, I know! Make number one on the list how immature she is.
--Park Slope Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ryan
And by That I Mean, "Why Do You Hate Freedom?"
Guy #1: I told the manager they need to start recycling.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: Cuz they don't recycle.
Guy #2: So what!?
--41st & 7th
And Also From Its Mirror Site, Hypochondriasis.com
Girl #1: So I think I may have MS.
Girl #2: You are banned from WebMD! Banned I say!
--Green Kitchen, 76th St
And Even There They Just Do It for Laughs
Girl going through security: Do I have to take off my shoes?
Security guard with Eastern European accent: No, no, is no need. We are not crazy. We are not at the airport.
--Top of the Rock Observation Deck
Overheard by: Those were NOT my roommates!
Which Is Also the Title Of the Self-Help Book I'm Writing for Pubescent Girls
Girl (calmly): She's been having mood swings lately.
Older male friend: What?
Girl (calmly): Mood swings.
Older male friend: What?
Girl (angry): Mood swings, you ass bag!
--E Train
Overheard by: Jillian
And by "They," of Course I Mean Lewis and Clark
Hipster #1: Narwhals don't bite--you're impaled.
Hipster #2: So they must have discovered narwhals before unicorns.
--Wasabi, Manhattan Ave & Bedford Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Laura
We Got Sick Of All the Brainwashing
Man passing out flyers: Now where do you ladies live?
Girl (whispering): Narnia.
--Times Square
How Tourists Learn to Pretend to Be Deaf
Man: I'm sorry to disturb you, but was I mean to you in junior high school? You look just like her and I just want to apologize for anything mean I may have said to you.
Girl: I am not her.
Man: Wow, really? You look just like her and I want to say I'm sorry. So will you forgive me?
Girl: I am not her.
Man: But will you accept my apology?
Girl: I'm not her, um, but, um sure?
Man: You seem so hesitant, where are you from?
Girl: Arizona.
Man: Ahhh, Arizona! Did you come up with that outfit yourself.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: TheNewPaul
Noooo...!
(homeless woman who smells like urine exits train).
Gay guy to rest of train: Okay, does anybody have something I can spritz over here to get rid of this lingering smell?
(everybody on the train looks at him like he's crazy)
Sorority girl, smelling the urine: Oh my god. Is this smell from that woman?
Gay guy: Yeah.
Sorority girl: It's okay, I have something to spray over here.
(digs into purse and takes out an oddly shaped bottle of perfume, sprays a few times, and sits down)
Gay guy: That's a cool bottle.
Sorority girl: Thanks, it's Britney.
--2 Train
And Good Luck Finding Him a Key Chain
Regular mom: What's your son's name?
Wealthy Tribeca mom: E-berry.
Regular mom: Excuse me?
Wealthy Tribeca mom: E-berry. We wanted our son to be unique.
Regular mom, grabbing son and leaving: Come on, Thomas.
--Washington Market Park
Overheard by: laughing nanny
Also Why I Stopped Giving Up My Seat to Old People on the Bus
(teenagers are packing into a crowded subway car where a tiny, ancient-looking bag lady is panhandling)
Woman trying to be helpful: Hey, hey, slow down, careful--there's an old lady you people are gonna knock down!
Bag lady, shouting irately: I'm not old, motherfucker!
--S Train
Overheard by: P. nut
The Polite Term Is "The Ladies' Restroom"
Girl #1: Look at that painting. Is it called "hairy balls"?
Girl #2: It should be.
Girl #1: If it's not called "hairy balls," I'm leaving.
(girl #2 goes to look, comes back)
Girl #2: Something about a baby.
Girl #1: Okay, that's it.
Girl #2: Look, there are thumbtacks near his balls. That has to suck.
Girl #1: Let's go back to the vagina room.
--MoMA
You're Reading Way Too Much Into Those Serta Commercials, Guys.
Man #1, with hands in the air: And what the hell is with those sheep?
Man #2: They originate from New Zealand, right?
--1st Ave & 10th
After 96th, All the White People Have Already Scampered Away
Panhandler, singing "Here Comes the Sun" as he walks through the train: Please give me some money!
Homie: Dude, you need to be on a downtown train! We's poor on the uptown train! You on the wrong fucking train.
--1 Train
Overheard by: trixx117
What's Wrong With My Tasti D-Lite?
Girl #1: God, they're opening another damn Pinkberry here?
Girl #2 (indignant): I know, next they're going to open a Pinkberry in my ass!
Girl #1: Well, it would be a better alternative to what you've got going on now.
--Columbus & 74th St
Overheard by: might want to try that
...Four or Five Hours After You Report Them
Woman with migraine: Help me! I'm dying! I'm dying!
Triage nurse: Alright ma'am, just calm down and tell me what the problem is.
Woman with migraine: I'm fucking dying, what are you, stupid?
Triage nurse: Well, as soon as you develop some signs or symptoms other than being obnoxious, we'll talk.
--NYU Medical Center ER
Overheard by: Turn their ankles
Elements Upon Which Our Country Was Founded
Girl #1: You should definitely Netflix it, it's totally your kind of movie.
Girl #2, skeptically: You think?
Girl #1: Well, you love racism and cowboys don't you?
--MoMA
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