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Weirdest. Scavenger Hunt. Ever
Hipster #1: Carnival games...
Hipster #2: Carnival games.
Hipster #1: Rock 'n' roll...
Hipster #2: Rock 'n' roll.
Hipster #1: Flying cars...
Hipster #2: Flying cars.
Hipster #1: Drugs...
Hipster #2: Drugs.
Hipster #1: Rape...
Hipster #2: Rape.
Hipster #1: Murder...
Hipster #2: Murder.
--40th St & Queens Boulevard
Overheard by: ExcessStrausses
San Francisco, Maybe
Pretty tourist #1: Do you think they'll ever have the Tour de France in New York?
Pretty tourist #2: No, you moron. (beat) There aren't enough hills.
--47th & 7th, Fashion District
Overheard by: Zac
Quick, Delete Those Pictures Before Somebody Sees!
Tourist #1, taking photos: Oooh, is that the New York skyline?
Tourist #2: No, I think that's New Jersey.
Tourist #1, stopping: Oh. Eww!
--Circle Line Tour
The Best NYU Answer Since Mary Kate Admitted She Doesn't Read but Likes Tootsie Rolls
Professor: How many countries are there in the world?
Student: Seven. (silence, then some laughter)
--NYU
How Do You Think I Got Into Vassar?
Guy to friend: Go suck a dick!
Friend: I already did!
--91st & Columbus
Becky Went on to a Brilliant Career As a Right-Wing Talk Radio Host
Teenage blonde girl to another: You know what pisses me off? You can't look American.
Friend: Umm, yeah you can.
Teenage blonde girl: No, because you would have to look Indian, but all the Indians are dead. Christopher Columbus killed them all. I'm still really mad about that.
--G Train
He's Very Handsome, but I'm Not Sure He's for Me
Guy from Chicago #1: So this Brazilian model I know...
Guy from Chicago #2: Dude, what the fuck are you doing here if you could be with a model?
--Rightfield Bleachers, Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Tara
They're Even Friends with It on Facebook!
Columbia girl: I mean, they're such bad friends. They basically support her being anorexic!
Friend: That's such an understatement. They encourage the anorexia! They're fucking fans of anorexia!
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fellow Supporter
Once I Tried Jacking Off Before the Pizza and It Totally Threw Off My Chi
Girl, saying goodbye: So what are we all doing after this?
Guy: Well, I'm going to do what I normally do--go home alone, eat a slice of pizza and jack off.
--PATH Train
Overheard by: Maria
She Really Studies Hard for Those Tests
Coworker #1: It looks like one of your clients is testing positive for gonorrhea or chlamydia.
Coworker #2: Kinky.
--Broadway & Canal
Overheard by: office peon loves her new job
Living in New York in Your 20's Is a Lot Like Groundhog's Day
20-something girl, excitedly: I'm not hungover anymore!
Group of friends: Yay!
Friend: Let's start all over!
--F Train
Judging by the Smell? Yes.
Maintenance worker #1: Yo! I need the keys to apartment 17K!
Maintenance worker #2: Isn't that the dead guy's apartment?
--Chelsea
You Know What I Do with My Car? I Drive My Car!
Woman on stoop, emphatically: Yo, that's what I do with my house! I stay in my house!
Friend: Dat's right...
--Hoffman St & E 187th St
I Only Make Obscene Comments About Rector Street
Train conductor: This is Dyckman Street.
Rotten little teenager (somehow getting on loudspeaker): Dyckman Street, yo! Suck my motherfuckin' dick!
(passengers all bewildered)
Train conductor, on next stop: This is 207th Street. Sorry, that was some kid in the back of the train, not me.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Kyle Crocodile
A Dangerously Cheesy One
Girl #1: Where were you born?
Girl #2: Wisconsin.
Girl #1: Is that a state?
--Union Square
Just Let a Vague Smile Of Incomprehension Be Your Umbrella
Thug lady #1: Yo, you got your gun in dat purse?
Thug lady #2: Yeah, bitch, but keep it on the down low, now this white boy knows I gots a gun in my purse.
--A Train
Overheard by: The White Boy
Whoever Cares the Least Wins, My Friend
Hipster Padawan: What the fuck? I'm so sick of people calling me a "hipster!" What, just because I'm skinny and I smoke I'm supposed to be part of some stupid subculture?
Hipster Jedi: Why do you care?
--Thompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Manhattman
As Required by the Hag Code's Minimum Sentencing Guidelines
Girl: So you fucked my ex?
Gay guy: I'm sorry, I was wasted! (starts crying)
Girl: He was mine, dammit! We're definitely not shopping tomorrow.
--Union Square
One Of Manhattan's Sacred Cows
Jaywalker #1 (honked at): Fuck you! Learn how to drive!
Jaywalker #2: Yeah, get a bike, save the environment!
Passerby: Uhh...that's a garbage truck.
--6th & Spring
You Can Make an Excellent Bread by Grinding Their Bones
(crowd of shrieking teenage girls outside Trump Hotel)
Ditzy woman #1 shouting: Look at that! Stupid people protesting! What idiots. Why would they be protesting?
Ditzy woman #2: Yeah. Lame!
Bystander: They aren't protesting. They are waiting for The Jonas Brothers to leave the hotel.
--Outside Trump International Hotel
Overheard by: Annie in MN
When I Started Waiting, They Hadn't Even Been Invented Yet
Teenage kid: How long have you been waiting for the bus?
Old lady: Since I was your age.
--Main St, Queens Blvd
Communicating Through Language Has Taken Our Relationship to a Whole New Level
20-something man #1: So you got a rap job?
20-something man #2: Yeah. My girl loves it.
20-something man #1: Really?
20-something man #2: Yeah, she thinks I'm, like, intellectual. It's like, it's not rap to her. It's like...words, ya know?
20-something man #1: I hear ya, man...
--LIRR
Ooh, and Be That Way With All Deliberate Speed!
Blond girl #1: And then I was like, "Why can't we just be separate but like..."
Blond girl #2: Yeah, separate but equal!
Blond girl #1: Exactly!
--Store, Times Square
Overheard by: michelle
Your Rapier Wit Reminds Me What I Did to Your Mom
Teen: No Mexican food. I don't need diarrhea.
Teen with Mohawk: Your mom has diarrhea. Diarrhea gave your mom a coma.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Livingston
Sorry, Ma'am, All the Guatemala Got Deported.
Older lady, with heavy Southern belle drawl: Excuse me, miss, is this Guatemala?
Sandwich shop clerk: What?
Older lady, indicating green condiment on her croissant sandwich: I really think this is Guatemala. Is it?
--51st St & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: Captain Zoom
Not the First Tourists to Spend an Entire Vacation at LaGuardia
Midwestern lady #1: See those trees over there?
Midwestern lady #2: Oh yes!
Midwestern lady #1: Do you think that's Central Park?
Midwestern lady #2 (getting excited): Oh, yes I do! It looks just like the pictures in the guidebook!
(Midwestern ladies proceed to get out their cameras and take pictures)
--Runway, LaGuardia Airport
Dude, Polish Jokes Were So 1985
Polish guy: Dude, it smells like a midget's ass over here!
Friend: How do you know what a midget's ass smells like?
Drunk guy: He's Polish! How else would he be able to screw in a lightbulb?
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: POLA
If Only There Were Plastic Surgery for Personalities
Male ticket taker: Anyway, I can't keep a guy for more than three days. I don't have a personality. I have looks.
Female ticket taker: Aw, come on. Believe me, you have a personality.
Male ticket taker: Yeah, an annoying one!
--AMC Loews, Lincoln Square
I've Been Looking for a New Way to Get Exercise...
Girl #1: I think I'm going to become Catholic.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because they have cool shit like saints and confession. And really short services.
Girl #2: Yeah, mass will be really short when they chase you out with torches and pitchforks, because you're a huge fucking dyke.
Girl #1: Fuck you.
--Grand Central
There's a Honey-Pot in It for You If You Sign This Petition
Democrat guy: Do you have a minute to support Barack Obama and the Democratic party?
Creepy dude, making bear noise: Ruruhhhhhh!
Democrat guy: Good answer.
--Chelsea
Dog: Um, I'll Just Stay Here, Thanks
Hispanic dude, about large Pitbull: Yo, this nigga is the one! I'ma take this nigga home with me!
Girlfriend, about adjacent dog: I like this one!
Hispanic dude: Bitch, fuck you! I'ma take the dog and leave you here! Put you in the dog cage, take this nigga home!
--Animal Care and Control, Adoptable Dog Ward
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Ooo, or a Black Gay Woman Lesbian.
Guy: I was reading about how, this week in history, women obtained the right to vote and the "I have a dream" speech was delivered. I was thinking that a black lesbian would have to be the most disadvantaged in history.
Friend: Yeah...or even a black, woman lesbian!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Thomas
Once in a Blue Moon, You Have to Hand It to a Douchebag
Hippie, sarcastically to suit in '72 Cadillac convertible: Nice car. Where's the rest of The Sopranos?
Suit driving away, deadpan, without missing a beat: In the fucking trunk.
--Wall St
Man, Those Hobos Really Need to Take Some Creative Writing Classes
Lady to young man: Excuse me, sir, I just lost my wallet...
Young man (interrupting): And you need a dollar to get a bus home?
(lady says nothing and walks off)
--14th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: I love Artichoke!
Headline by: Allison
Runners-Up:
· "Actually I Was Hoping for Your Emergency Condom" - "Jimmy" Wrapper
· "Asshat Misses Chance at Cheap BJ" - Leary Blaine
· "Ladies Get Turned Off by Todd's Premature Speculation Problem" - FizzyGurrl
· "Maybe She's Afraid Of Psychics" - tedric
· "Psh, Like Buses Only Cost a Dollar" - samson
· "They Give You More If You Just Call It a "Bailout"" - stimulated economy
· "This Might Have Worked Better If They Hadn't Already Been on the Bus" - KateNonymous
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Hope You'll Forgive Me for Getting a Second Opinion
Husband: What? Just because I want to see my mother-in-law fall down and hit her head, does that make me a terrible person?
Wife: Yes!
--Time Square
Overheard by:
And the Bisexuality
Hipster chick #1: Do you think the hipsters of our generation will have reproductive issues?
Hipster chick #2: What do you mean?
Hipster chick #1: You know, on account of the skinny jeans.
--Olive & Orient
She's Having the Most Fun Anyone's Ever Had at the MOMA
Man, approaching MoMA ticket counter: I'd like one, please.
Ticket woman: Okay, what country are you from?
Man: What?
Ticket woman: What country are you from?
Man: Um, the United States.
Ticket woman: Oh, I didn't recognize you.
--MoMA
Wednesday One-Liners: Straight, Not Narrow
White woman to friend: Wow, this is a great place to meet straight people!
--Madison Square Garden
Dude to female passenger: If I was straight, I'd be hitting that, but I'm not straight, so I won't be hitting that.
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: Maggie
Yelling blonde: What's my type? He should be straight, that's my type.
--68th & Columbus
Amateur philosopher: If I wasn't straight, I'd totally be gay.
--Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Headaches
Teen girl to friend: They're not gay! They're just old!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Peter
Every One-Liner Has Its Wednesday
Well-dressed black girl to well-groomed black standard poodle with owner: Oh, look at your nice hair! You work it girl!
--22nd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Tigertail
Middle-age woman to overgroomed poodle, as it takes a dump in the middle of the sidewalk: Ohhhhh! Charlie, that's looking a bit creamy! Yum, yum! (pause as the dog sniffs his mess) No, don't eat it!
--14th St & University Place
Overheard by: Bee
Crazy hobo in wheelchair, to small dog on leash passing by: Meow. Meow! Meow!
--Union Square
Large black man to his shaggy dog: Just because it's there doesn't mean you can pee on it. That's a nice bike!
--9th St & 50th St
Overheard by: EmGusk
Man trying to control his barking dog: No! No anxiety! Bad dog! No anxiety!
--St. Mark's & Ave A
Overheard by: french bulldog with narcissism
A Brief History Of Wednesday One-Liners
Suit: The ancients left records all over the place. Look at the pyramids, dickhead.
--83rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: EthanK
Drunk guy, as '80s song plays on jukebox: '80s music was so inspirational, cuz they knew Reaganomics wasn't gonna work. '90s, we were in a boom so it was like, "don't forget how bad things are!" Now music just sucks, cuz everything sucks.
--The Punch Bowl, 238th & Broadway, The Bronx
Overheard by: Kyle Crocodile
Preppy blond guy: Wow, I didn't realize The Great Depression was so bad!
--Columbia Law School
Drunk hobo yelling at sidewalk: Fuck those guys! They can't fire me! They need me! What the fuck? I built those temples, goddamnit! Those Mayans need me! I'm the only one who built those temples!
--23rd b/w 4th & 5th
Wisdom-sharing mother of two: Well, of course socks were invented first! Soccer was invented before shoes and they wore socks to play it! Why do you think it's called soccer? They were wearing socks long before they were wearing shoes.
--Restaurant, Columbus Ave
Girl: Wait! George Washington is Johnny Appleseed, right?
--Stuyvesant High School
Don't Get Mad. Get Wednesday One-Liners
Suit: It's at the point now it doesn't matter too much if my wife gets mad, it's the nanny I can't upset. (other men laugh and agree)
--Uptown A Train
Female employee: I do not want to go to anger management for a third time.
--115th & 5th
Overheard by: Tara
Girl to guy: You seem like the kind of person that would be mad if they got shot.
--Wildwood, Park Ave & 18th St
Overheard by: Sean
Mom to three-year-old son: You mad? You mad? Well, you know what "mad" is spelled backwards, right? "D-a-m." Ain't nothin' you can do about that.
--St. Nicholas Ave & 127th St
Overheard by: stella ho
Thug: She's just mad 'cause she's Mexican.
--Staten Island Mall
Overheard by: Wendla B.
Hostess running out of restaurant: Angry couple who just left the bar! You forgot your credit card!
--The Village
Overheard by: DW
Whatever You Do, Don't Drop Your Wednesday One-Liner in the Toilet
Dude with headphones on: How the fuck did Britney Spears get on my iPod?
--13th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Alice
Bus driver: Next stop, 47th Street. And to the asshole who has his iPod on too loud, turn it down or I'll throw you the fuck off.
--M15 Bus
Overheard by: Turned mine off immediately
White girl: It was like Hanukkah on my iPod yesterday! It said there was no battery left but it lasted for two hours!
--Bayside, Queens
Overheard by: Alexandra
Dad to girl: If you can just get over being a pissy girl, you get a free iPod Touch.
--23rd St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jill Twiss
Really stoned girl, looking at iTunes latest releases: iFart mobile? Do they really have that for sale? iPhone can fart now? (pause) Is there anything an Apple device can't do?
--Bayside, Queens
Man playing electric guitar on subway: I take Mexican money, I take umbrellas. I take whatever you got. I have three kids at home who need iPods.
--2 Train
Overheard by: res
Who Wednesday One-Linered Mr. Burns?
Black 30-something man: And she said, "Nigga, you wanna fuck mah titties wit a gun?"
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Amanda R.
10-year-old boy, very loudly, to 10-year-old girl: Oh, yeah, well...how many guns have you ever held?
--5 Train
Middle aged white man in shorts: Anyone awake at 2 am should be shot!
--LIRR
Overheard by: L.C.
Street performer, trying to move crowd: Okay, let's try this! White people, we are not dangerous! (lifts shirt, pats down sides) We are unarmed! Step closer!
--W 45th & 5th
Man on phone: Right. Right. Wait, what? (in shock) He don't got a gun? Well, he has to have a gun! What kinda game do you think this is?
--J Train
Army dude to friends: People shoot at me every once in awhile. Do I get tipped? No, fuck tips!
--Havanna's Bar
Wednesday One-Liner Can Drink Milk As Adults
Crazy guy (inexplicably overjoyed): Heyyyyy! White people!
--1 Train
Gay black man on cell: She is such a delicate white cunt, she can't raise her own child. She needs a Jamaican man to do it.
--45th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Kristy Magyar
Angry black guy: I swear to god I'm bout to start slappin' white people.
--Union Station
Overheard by: scared white guy
White English guy to Anglo-Filipino chick: I don't think we'll be welcome there because we're white.
--Nostrand & St. Mark's, Brooklyn
Black guy: Man, I love white people, and I never shot anybody!
--Times Square
Panicked child: Mommy, why are there so many white people here?
--Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting
Not in the Face, Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: You keep talking over me--it makes me want to punch you in the uterus.
--Ray's Pizza, 52 & 8th
Overheard by: Jarett
Guy to friend: You keep referring to me as "that guy" and we'll see how long you stay conscious.
--33rd & 7th
Nervous man seated against the wall: I don't like this seat. I don't like sitting here. I like to sit on the aisle. What if there's a fight? I don't want to be trapped in a place with a fight.
--Off-Broadway Theatre
Overheard by: Hannah
Ghetto chick: Can't you get somebody else to fuck him up? Why you gotta do it?
--W Train
Overheard by: sara n.
Man: He was trying to turn his alcoholism into a positive thing instead of attacking the guy who raped his sister.
--The Strand Bookstore
Overheard by: Slightly confused, yet intrigued...
Girl on cell: Remember that time you got into a fight with an inch worm?
--Chambers St
Overheard by: Shooty
A Wednesday One-Liner by Any Other Word Would Smell As Sweet
Sikh guy: I know a guy from high school who wore a name tag for eight years.
--W 4th St
Man on cell: You know, what's-her-face, she's friends with what's-her-name in HR.
--54th & 6th
Aging Guido: So there was this girl, I loved her, what was her name? Oh right, Nina. She lived in this fucked-up place. She said she had one kid, I went over one time, there were like three. Anyway, one time she was all like, "could I get three thousand pesos?" or whatever, and I was like, "Sure, if I get to fuck you and your friend!"
--1 Train
Mother to whiny brunette daughter: If you don't stop complaining I'm going to change your name. (pause) Yes, I'm going to change your name to Merlot, and your sister will be Chardonnay.
--61st & Madison
Overheard by: nancy
Small girl to unsuspecting male stranger: Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! (indicating mother) Her name's Sophia.
--M 96 Bus
Wednesday One-Liners Keep Showing Up on Your Stoop
Woman: In Central Park right now, the Mormons are in full bloom!
--Bandshell, Central Park
Overheard by: Mojosaves
Chick to boyfriend: I could really use some Viagra, maybe I can get some from my grandpa. (pause) Wait, never mind, he's Mormon.
--17th St & 5th Ave
Girl: What do the Mormons have against gay people? Is it because the gays dress better? I mean, Mormons only like to wear white shirts and black pants.
--Uptown A Train
Deliriously drunk woman: I was Mormon!
--Times Square
Our Wednesday One-Liners in Blue
Cop on cell: Yeah, Adam just called. Are there bodies there?
--Outside Times Square Police Station
Overheard by: leah
Police officer on crowd control duty: If you was special, you'd get on the sidewalk. If you was my family, you'd get on the sidewalk.
--45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Claire
Little boy to mother, after policeman walks by: Mom, it's the five-o!
--38th St, Astoria
Man: Yo, I was so twisted last night. I was in the cop car and he was like, "no drinking in the cop car!"
--Lexington & 75th
Overheard by: wb
Cop to victim: So the doors and windows were locked,no sign of forced entry...and you're sure that your panty drawer was rifled through and unknown items are missing?
--Bensonhurst
Wednesday Sung Liners
Blonde middle aged woman, singing, to the tune of "Winter Wonderland": Walking in a Weeeeeiner Wonderland...
--Food Store, 57th St
Hobo, rummaging in trash, to tune of "Blue Suede Shoes": One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go, cat, go. Gonna rob this town, rob this town tonight.
--79th & Broadway
Overheard by: thevineyard
am New York guy, singing loudly: Get am New York! Stay dry! Thank god you're aliiiiiiive!
--Union Square Subway Entrance
Hobo, singing while passing by shopping cart: Push, push in the bush, yeah, push it in the bush!
--16th St & 5th Ave
Gay gentleman, singing in response to another gay gentleman dancing down the street in pouring rain: He's gayer in the rain, he's gayer in the rain!
--W 23rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Jess
Man to Spanish guy singing "La Bamba": Shut the fuck up!
--51st St Station
We've Already Gotten a Ticket Because the Baby Isn't Walking
Wife, pushing stroller through crosswalk: Oh, wow, honey, look at that building.
Husband, quickly: This is New York, sweetheart, you gotta keep walking.
--Columbus Circle
Keith Was Hired by the Tour Company to Represent the Spirit Of the City
Man, shouting to a tour bus: Hey, you guys like New York!
Tourists, all in unison: Yeah!
Man: Well, go fuck yourself!
--Bryant Park
On So Many Different Levels
Woman: We're going downtown, but north towards the city.
Tourist mother (gawking): What are you talking about?
Tourist little boy (tugging on her pants): Mommy, Brooklyn is upside down!
--F Train
Though I'm Sure Marlon Brando Is Trying.
Mom, visibly winded and tired : Why are we walking so much?
30-something daughter: To work up an appetite for dinner.
Mom: Dead people don't eat.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Or Vote and Die If You're in the Army
Young thugette #1: If I was old enough to vote when George Bush got elected, I'd be pissed...how's gas gonna be five dollars?
Young thugette #2: For two bucks I used to get half a turkey.
Young thugette #1 (screaming to entire train car): Vote or die, bitches!
--1 Train
Or We'll Have to Show You Who's Boss
Man walking around with "Truth about Lennon" sign, repeatedly yelling: Hey, all you hairless gorillas! Hey, all you Bruce Springsteen killers!
Guy sitting on blanket: Hey man, leave Bruce out of this!
--Sheep's Meadow, Central Park
Overheard by: mdh
Because, Really, Does Anyone Care?
Young girl: Mommy, is Canada in Europe?
Sister of young girl: Of course it is, stupid! It's right next to Quebec.
Mom: Uh, no honey, it's in...
Sister of young girl: It's in Europe.
Mom: No, it's in...
Sister of young girl: Europe!
Mom: Fine! Canada is in Europe.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Lydia
Who Wants to Listen to a Conversation in a Big Room Full Of Chairs?
Macho frat boy #1: Yeah, if we could get free tickets to the shows or something, that'd be sweet.
Macho frat boy #2: Dude...what shows?
Macho frat boy #1: The fuckin' plays, man! Don't you go to the fuckin' plays??
Macho frat boy #2: No.
Macho frat boy #1: You're a fuckin' douchebag, man.
--Wagner College, Staten Island
Overheard by: wiggles
If You Start Talking About Jesus Now, I'll Leave You in the Store
Mother looking at stick-on lightbulbs: Those might be good in case you ever need to see in the dark.
College-age daughter: Yeah, or if you're blind and need more light.
--Walgreens, 97th & Broadway
Overheard by: ryn
I Don't Negotiate With Sexual Terrorists
College boy: Why was sex always a problem between us?
College girl: Well, some people think that sex is negotiable. I don't.
--F Train
Reparations Would Be Nice, Though
Shop owner: Would you care to taste some wine?
Black woman (offended): No, I ain't tastin' no wine!
--Liquor Store, Brooklyn
Overheard by: thirsty wino
There's a Guy on Canal Streeet Who Sells Them Out Of His Van
Guard: Sir, no visitors allowed.
American tourist: Why not?
Guard: Only employees are allowed in, sir.
American tourist: But what if I wanted to do business in there?
Guard: In the stock exchange? Like...what?
American tourist: Like, what if I wanted to buy stocks?
--Entrance of NYSE, Wall St
But Maybe We'd See Tim Curry!
Son, coming out of The Plaza hotel: How come we didn't stay here?
Father: Because that would have been our whole vacation.
--The Plaza Hotel, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rachel
The Episode Of Sanford and Son You Never Saw
Black man: Did you just fart?
Older black man: I think I did more then that.
--7th Ave
Overheard by: Krunkmode.com
Oh Wait a Minute, I Think She's Having a Seizure
Girl: See that lady over there? She's like...orgasming to her iPod.
Guy: (laughs)
Girl: No, seriously. She's so funny to watch. Who the fuck orgasms to a song?
Guy: I'd orgasm to a good song.
Girl: Yeah? What's a good song?
Guy: That one by Nine Inch Nails. Something like "I Wanna Fuck You Like an Animal."
(little boy observing animals stares, puzzled)
--Central Park Zoo
Your Question Answers Itself, Dottie
Old woman #1: Didn't you know that Asian people just love animals?
Old woman #2 (aggrieved): Then why do they eat them?
--Court & Degraw
'Intercourse' Also Means 'Conversation', Y'know
Homo #1: Look, I'm just saying that if you still loved me, you'd stop talking to your ex so much.
Homo #2: Hold on. Please, I'm talking on the phone.
Homo #1: Look, if you don't shut your mouth I will fuck it!
--6 Train
It's Not the Communist Party, Right?
Girl #1: I told that dude with the afro we'd go with him to a party.
Girl #2: Does he know you're drunk?
Girl #1: I don't know. But he should, he's a hippie!
Girl #2: Maybe he'll give you a joint then.
Girl #1: So you wanna go to the party?
--Bathroom, Mercury Lounge
Sex With Me Is Like Jumping in During Double Dutch
Asian dude, adoringly: Honestly, if you were a guy, you would date you.
Asian chick: No.
Asian dude: Why?
Asian chick: I'm so good in bed. I intimidate me.
--E Train
Overheard by: Injun Mofo
How Desperate Housewives Rose in Popularity
Chick #1: Eeeeeew, I hate this show!
Chick #2: Me too! Hella boring.
Chick #1: I'm probably going to watch it.
Chick #2: Oh, me too.
--Times Square
If Only There Were a Way to Get Unmarried...
Lady, about gentleman's twin sister: Is she still married?
Gentleman: Unfortunately. I keep telling her, if she'd just shot him fifteen years ago, she'd be out of jail by now. She's not any better off now.
--G Train
Overheard by: Meghan M.
See What You've Started, Beyonce?
Guy #1, yelling: Fuck yeah! Put that one in the satchel!
Guy #2: That had "skankalicious" written all over it.
--35th & 7th
Overheard by: GJL
Headline by: Porter
Runners-Up:
· "Britney's Got a New Clothing Line?" - Ray
· "In Accordance With the New Truth in Graffiti Regulations" - bq
· "It's the New "Gucci"" - JohnnyB
· "Someone Tell Fergie to Stop Making Up Song Titles" - Botticus
· "The New Mariah Carey Doll Created Unexpected Collectors" - EddieA
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Mets!
Man with Jesus sign, entering Shea stadium: That's why we're here today! Because he died for our sins! Repent!
Baseball fan: Let's go Jews!
--Shea Stadium
So She Came Back to New York, Where Everything Runs Like Clockwork
Loud suit: And she thought it wasn't organized enough! It was an orphanage in Tanza-fucking-nia!
Suit's wife, laughing: Where did she think she was, Switzerland?
--5th Ave & 57th St
Actually, Once a Guy Totally Admitted He'd Given Me Chlamydia
Thugette: Has anyone ever done anything romantical for ya'll hoes?
Hoes (together): Nahhh.
--6 Train
Overheard by: What ya'll watchin hoes?
Shows What You Know-- My Girlfriend's a Lesbian.
Street vendor: T-shirts, get your "I love New York" t-shirts! Only three dollars. Much better than you'd normally get at a store. T-shirts, get your t-shirts!
20-something guy to girlfriend: Too expensive, babe. Sorry.
Vendor to guy: Yeah, well your girlfriend can have one for free because of how amazing she was last night.
--Times Square
Overheard by: i LOVE new york
Stacey Got the Short End Of the Stick When It Came to Fairy Godmothers
Old lady, tapping girl on the back: Girl! Get off the curb!
Preppy JAP: Uh, excuse me?
Old lady: Do you live in New York?
Preppy JAP: Um...yeah?
Old lady: Then get off the curb, and get off your fucking cell phone!
--1 Ave & E 84th St
This Cannot End Well
Black girl: I'm gonna have my dog bite your ass.
Black boy: Yeah, right, I'll sic mad pigeons after that shit.
--E 103rd & Lexington
How Does a Conversation Begin "People at the Circus Hide Their Nipples"?
Son #1: People at the circus hide their nipples.
Son #2: What about the three-nippled man?
Son #1: He shows his one at a time.
Son #2: So how can you be sure he isn't playing three nipple Monte?
--71st Ave
Overheard by: RAS
As a Footware Social Worker I'm Not Sure I Can Look the Other Way on This One
Girl #1: My room is so small. My room is 7.5 x 10.
Girl #2, gasping: Where do you put your shoes?!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Derek
A Princess Can't Marry a Commoner
Girl: Yeah, he was cute and really nice, but he's not my type.
Guy: Why?
Girl: Well, he's from Brooklyn!
Guy: Oh.
Girl: Obviously.
--Upper West Side
Minty-Fresh?
Hipster girl, pulling a pineapple out of garbage bag: Man, these totally smell like ass sometimes!
Hipster boy: This one smells okay. It's fine.
Hipster girl: No it's not--it smells like your ass!
--Metro North Rail
It's a Total Wi-Fi Meat Market
Older straight woman with tiny dog: Is this place a Hotspot?
40-something gay man with bright pink shirt: You mean like a meat market?
--Starbucks, 12th St & 2nd Ave
I Think I've Found My Future Husband
Dude: That guy with the tattoo on his elbow was gorgeous.
Chick: I didn't see his face.
Dude: He looks like a scumbag.
--57th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Marie
Psh, Like a Walk Sign Confers Magical Safety in New York
Drunk guy: Dude! Why are you crossing the street? You're gonna get yourself fuckin' killed!
Sober friend: It's a "walk" sign. And you're drunk.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: Emma
Well You Eat Popsicles!
Gangsta, passing sushi restaurant: Yo. You wanna eat sushi?
Girlfriend: Sushi? You don't even eat pussy, how you gonna eat sushi?
--8th St b/w 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Garry Lash
The Difference Between Obvious-Crazy and Stealth-Crazy
Crazy vet: Hey lady, you got any kids?
Sympathetic, but slightly freaked out woman: No.
Crazy vet: You got any grandkids?
Sympathetic, but slightly freaked out woman: Yeah, I got six grandbabies.
--14 D Bus
Overheard by: Fer
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