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It's Just That Most Of the Time They're Invisible
Tourist dressed like biker: Excuse me, do you know where the dancing monkeys are?
New Yorker: (silence)
Tourist: Dancing monkeys?
New Yorker: You're in New York, they're on every street corner.
--Broadway & White
But My Therapist Recommended Preyer
Effeminate bisexual man: I'm going to make you come so many times... The thing is, I have self-esteem problems, and...
Female friend: Well, then you should talk to a therapist about that, instead of preying on unsuspecting girls.
--LIRR
How Religions Get Started: Explained
Girl #1: I saw Sigourney Weaver!
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yes! She walked right past me!
Girl #2: Did you die?
Girl #1: Yes, I did.
Girl #2: That's awesome.
--55th & Lexington
You'll Be Shitting on Top Of the World
Hot man, in consultative tone: Very underrated how taking a huge dump can improve your day.
Hot woman: Seriously!
Hot man: I have something for you. Something that will change your life. I'm completely serious. Have you ever tried Metamucil?
Hot woman: No.
Hot man: You will take the most massive dumps ever and feel great. It's like weightlifting for your bowels.
--26th & Madison Ave
New York Women Know They're Beautiful
Techie in suit: I mean, there are two reasons. A: it's better.
Meathead friend: Uh-huh.
Techie: A: it's warmer.
Meathead: Uh-huh.
Techie: B: the women there are much more receptive to thinly veiled suggestion.
Meathead: Uh...
Techie: What I mean by that is that they have low self esteem. I do my best work with low self esteem.
--14th St & 8th Ave Subway Station
Overheard by: Rebecca
Ah, the Circle Of Life.
Female bartender: I'm double-jointed. Isn't that weird?
Sketchy barfly: You wanna see something weird? I can suck my own dick!
--Mars Bar
Overheard by: Pete
Not the Fitted Kind, Either, Like a Slut
Woman on date: So tell me about your trip through Asia.
Man on date: Um... Yeah, so after dinner, do you want to go to K-Mart so I can watch you buy sheets? Because it would really turn me on if I could watch you buy sheets.
--East Village
He Used to Play for the Knicks, Right?
Little boy, pointing at Obama poster: Look, mommy it's Will Smith!
Mother: No, honey, that's not Will Smith. That's...uhmmmm... (to husband) What the fuck was his name again?
--Columbia University
Dating Didn't Use to Require a Flow Chart
Chick #1: So I added him on Facebook.
Chick #2: Oooooh, that's a little desperate.
Chick #1: But he texted me first! I was just following the natural order of events.
Chick #3: I added him on Facebook like a week ago.
Chick #2: But you didn't give him head behind a bar.
Chick #1: He texted me before I added him! It is not desperate!
--NYU
Overheard by: kelly
Or Else I Need to Disguise My Groceries Better
Old bag lady: What about you, playboy? You got any money for me?
Man: No, sorry.
Old bag lady: You sure? I can take care of your sausage. Arrangements can be made.
(she walks away)
Man, contemplative, to self: Do I really look that desperate?
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Only If You Do It with Mad Flair.
Polite, cute seven-year-old black boy to mother: Mommy, how was your day?
Hot mom: Nice, I had a very nice day. Thank you for asking. How was your day?
Little boy: Pimpin! Can I play Wii when we get home, please?
--B Train
That One Only Works on Serial Killers
Girl holding Cosmopolitan magazine, showing page to friend: Whoa! Read number eleven!
Friend: Will you guys please shut up?
Friend reading magazine: Oh, I've done that.
Girl with magazine: Wait...what's a "come-hither motion"?
Other friend, looking up at ceiling: Please kill me now.
--E Train
Overheard by: AES
Nah, I'm Too Depressed to Hypothesize
Dominican guy: I really like your haircut.
Brooklyn guy: Yeah, the women at work really liked it, but I never take anything they say seriously because I know how ugly I am.
Dominican guy: Yeah, I know what you mean. You know like when women say "I want to be with you," but they really don't do that...
Brooklyn guy: Okay, this is the only thing that is going to be true of what I say from now on. Every girl I asked out has said yes, but didn't mean it.
Dominican guy: Is this a hypothetical situation?
--Harlem
If You Keep Me from My After-Work Drinking, the Terrorists Win
Woman #1, after train stops: Why aren't we moving?
Woman #2, leaning out of train doors: Some lady apparently saw something, so she said something.
Woman #1: Christ, you don't do that in the evening, you do that in the morning. She should know better!
--A Train
Overheard by: oneofmanymikes
Oh Honey, That Never Takes Much
Girl #1: He doesn't even love you.
Girl #2: Yeah, but I'm the only one who can get him to cheat on his wife!
--Webster Hall
Why Fingerless Gloves Were Invented
Yuppie wife to husband: I bet I know what those stains are on your gloves...
Husband: I highly doubt I was fingering you with these gloves on.
--Whole Foods Escalator, Time Warner Center
Overheard by: A-Robb
A Better Question: Why Did Everyone Still Show Up?
Puzzled student: Professor, according to the syllabus we have a paper due in a week... What's it on?
Equally puzzled philosophy professor: You have a paper due in a week? I was afraid of that!
Puzzled student: Also, according to the syllabus, we don't even have class today. There's...nothing written there.
Equally puzzled philosophy professor: Really? Huh. Well, I must have been drunk when I did that.
--Fordham University
Remember What We Had to Do with Grandma When She Kept Demanding Her Pills?
Screaming child: I want ice cream and I want it now! Now! Now! Mom, get me ice cream!
Mother, calmly: Darling. While I love you deeply, I would really like to shove your behavior in the middle of the street to be run over by a bus. Understand?
--Central Park
Overheard by: queenofscots
He Also Totally Has an Eye for Decorating
Passerby to guy walking dog: Is your male dog squatting to pee?
Dog owner: I know. It's so embarrassing.
--86th St & Columbus
Plus, Kriss Angel Is Kind Of a Douche.
Dude: He had a bracelet with a universal handcuff key hidden on the inside in case he ever got in trouble.
Chick: What?
Dude: Yeah, I don't hang out with him much anymore.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Nathan
Enjoy Your Astroglide and Elle Magazine, Sir.
CVS employee: So, did you go to the gay pride parade?
Flamboyantly gay Latino man: You know, I never goes to those things, I just can't stand all the faggots.
CVS employee, with blank stare: Have a good night.
--CVS
Overheard by: wyatt
Why Don't You Just Get Life Savers?
Hipster guy: I need some toothpaste and...what else did I say I needed?
Hipster girl, shouting: Condoms!
Hipster guy: Shhhhh!
(everyone in store starts chuckling)
Hipster girl: The extra small ones.
Hipster guy: Shhhh!
Hipster girl: With a juicy flavor!
--Rite Aid, 6th Ave & 11th St
How Good Could Its Best Be?
Comedy flyer guy: Come see a comedy show, best in the city!
Thug, passing by quickly: I hate this fuckin city.
--Times Square
Overheard by: CF
Though I've Heard George Washington Had a Hell Of a Farmer's Tan
Principal: And can anyone tell me what is so significant about Barack Obama becoming president today?
Five-year-old: He's the first brown president.
--P.S. 290
Overheard by: TA who hears everything
Then Can I Be...Your Apprentice?
Hobo: Any change? Anything you got to give?
Suit: I wish I had something to give, but pretty soon, I'm going to be like you.
Hobo: My man, you cannot be this awesome.
--Bleecker & Lafayette
So the Damage Would Be Confined to My Vagina
Girl #1 to group: Well, he doesn't have a job, or a car, and has a cat named Jedi.
Girl #2: Wait...who is this?
Girl #1: The guy I slept with last week.
Girl #2 (sarcastically): Quality!
Girl #1: Well that's why I just slept with him, instead of dated him.
--Therapy Bar
It's Your Fault for Teaching Him About Alternating Current
Suit: Well, why didn't you stop him? I had to get him in trouble with the deans.
Teenager: Well, it's not my fault if he wants to electrocute his nipples.
--Grand Central
There's Nothing Sexier Than the C-Word
Five-year-old boy at young nanny as they wait in line: Mimi? You're the "c" word.
Mimi, looking shocked: The "c" word? What do you mean?
Five-year-old boy: You know... C-e-x-y. Will you marry me?
--Checkout Line, Columbus Circle Whole Foods
Overheard by: tinyfoo
To Share Your Secret Heart With Him That Way
Girl #1: I like him a lot. I think I'm even gonna tell him I watch The Hills.
Girl #2: Wow, you *do* like him.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Been There. True Story.
Cabaret host to singer: So what's your story?
Male singer, pointing to co-host: Well, actually, I made out with this one once.
Male co-host: Oh my god! I was just in back, trying to figure out if I made out with you and if it was appropriate to ask!
--7th & Christopher
That, or a Botched Suicide Attempt
Middle aged woman: When you hear him say that, you just grab some cake and ice cream.
Younger woman: Why?
Middle aged woman: Because that means he just dumped you...and you'll need to gain some weight to make him feel like asshole.
--Central Park
The Premise Of Every VH1 Reality Show, in a Nutshell
Slightly older and hairier gay: So, just to be clear, you do realize that you are a total twink, right?
Slightly younger and hairless gay: Duh. And I'm gonna ride that train all the way to free-drink town.
--E Train
Imagine His Shock Upon Learning What His Girl Meant When She Said "I've Got a Bun in the Oven"
Girl: How much for a pig in a blanket?
Thug #1: A what now?
Girl: A pig in a blanket. See, there. (points to pretzel dogs)
Thug #1: Oh, a hot dog!
Thug #2: A hot dog?
Thug #1: A hot dog! Like, I thought she meant a pig wrapped up in a blanket.
--Pretzel stand, Penn Station
Headline by: E-Man>Master of the UNIVERSE!
Runners-Up:
· "And I Still Don't Get Why People Ask for Rocks in Their Drinks at the Bar!" - time in a cube
· "Because a Hot Dog Is a Much More Logical Name for Them" - shah
· "Do You Mean MY Pig in YOUR Blanket?" - Joe
· "In Their Defense, There Was a Cop Wearing Layers Right Next to the Hot Dog Stand" - Andrew
· "Like My Penis" - Vivi
· "No, No, Those Are the HOBO Dogs" - Sodajerk
· "Those're Five Bucks, but You Gotta Know a Guy in Chinatown" - Seth
· "When She Asked for a Bloody Mary He Fainted" - Brik
· "Yo, I Just Be Keepin It Literal" - jason
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Haley Joel Osment Seems to Get Worse Roles Every Year
Teen #1: Are we there yet?
Teen #2: It's right over there.
Teen #3 (screaming): I see it! I see Atlas! It's white, I see it.
Bus driver: Yeah, and I see dead people across the street...you don't hear me screaming.
--Q29 Bus, Atlas Park Mall
It's Just As Easy to Mop Up Human Feces with French Tips
Thug janitor #1, looking down at his fingernails: I get my shit manicured every week.
Thug janitor #2: Yeeeah, yeeeeah, yeeeeah!
--Bathroom, Port Authority
Overheard by: Astonished
Train Deniers Are the Most Adamant Of All the Conspiracy Theorists
Recorded voice: Ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed by train traffic ahead of us. Please be patient.
Grumpy old man, to self: That's a lie. There's no train ahead of us.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Just Don't Be Slutting It Up in the Museum
Girl to security guard going through her purse: You can open that if you want, it's just my make up.
Security guard: Girl, I don't need to see all your warpaint!
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Amanda
The Real World: Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: That's why I moved to Brooklyn: I hate people!
--Carrol Gardens
Overheard by: Smegma
Man on cell: No, no, no! You go to Brooklyn and suck that sweet white dick for free!
--35th & 8th
Brooklyn guy to date: I would walk all over Brooklyn for you! I would even walk all over Queens for you, you're so sweet!
--Tonio's Restaurant, 7th & 8th, Park Slope
Overheard by: D-Law
Train conductor: Because of a sick passenger at Clark Street, some of us may not be making it to Brooklyn...I'll let you know.
--Downtown 3 Train
Overheard by: D-Law
Conductor: This is York Street, the first stop in beautiful Brooklyn...yay!
--F Train
"There's No Wednesday One-Linering in Baseball!"
Dad to whiny three-year-old daughter: And now you're going to try and manipulate me by crying.
--186th St & Ft. Washington Ave
Girl to friends: That's just the way the world is. You don't see me cryin' whenever someone calls me a fat bitch or a short bitch or an ugly bitch...
--23rd & 8th
15-year-old boy: Yo, I'd cry if that happened to me, but I'm just sensitive like that.
--A Train
Overheard by: pop pop
Girl: And then you know I take out my yo-yo and start dancing. And then you know I'm multi-tasking! I'm yo-yoing, dancing and crying all at the same time!
--LaGuardia High School
Woman on cell: Alex, stop crying. Stop crying. What about the breadsticks, were there at least breadsticks?
--34th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Real
Girl sleeping in art class: Tony the Tiger, I wish you were real.
--LaGuardia Arts
Thug to friend: Yo, man, Tourette's is real! They've got it on MTV and everything!
--LIRR
Ditzy-sounding chick on cell: Should I buy some heart-shaped sunglasses? (pause) Why not? (pause) Should I buy some sunglasses that look like real glasses to make me look smart? (pause) Shut the hell up!
--St. Mark's Place
Guy at party: So then I said, "it takes a real man to take a nine inch cock in the ass!"
--13th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: kdub
Young woman, yelling at a bus stop ad for Bret Michael's New Rock of Love: Just stop it! You're not even a real person!
--42nd b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Couldn't agree more
Wednesdays Are Naturally Sweetened With One-Liners
Chick on cell: As a pie-lover, I have a question.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Poogins
Father to toddler: No, you can't have a doughnut. You just had a doughnut yesterday. You can have another when you're...25!
--Doughnut Plant, Grand & Norfolk
Large older woman: I like cherry, lemon, peach, apple, and pumpkin. Other than that, I'm not a big pie person.
--Central Park Bench
Overheard by: Struedel Snatcher
Big black guy: And she kept trying to get me to take a pie, but I kept telling her, "bitch, I ain't got no room for no pie!"
--Penn Station
Young lady to friend, gravely: I understand, but things have changed. That was before the chocolate bonanza.
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: T. Ryan
Wednesday One-Liners and Tigers and Bears--Oh, My!
Young woman to another: But do you know how big a horse dick is?
--5th Ave & Carroll, Park Slope
Girl: I'm really tired. I'm, like, an animal activist right now.
--Parking Lot, Broadway Mall
Overheard by: Lysa
Student: I'm not that sensitive. I can watch those videos where they like, torture the animal or whatever, and then I'll go eat it.
--Cardozo Law School
Asian girl: Does this make me look like a sad Panda?
--NYU Dining Hall
Columbia girl: I'd never have asked if I knew he was the one who'd killed it. But I didn't suspect him. Who'd spend their time strangling a gerbil?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Who'd have thought?
Guido to friend: Yo, it smells like a skunk burped up a hot dog.
--Penn Station
Lady on speaker: If you have an animal, please do not put it through the X-ray.
--LaGuardia Airport
Wednesday One-Liners Get Railroaded
Conductor: Check around, make sure you have all of your belongings. If you have small children, make sure you hold onto them. (in haunting tone) Wouldn't want to see them disappear...into the gap.
--Metro-North Line
Overheard by: Jess
Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently.
--Penn Station
Conductress, in monotone: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough...in the borough....in the borough of Manhattan.
--D Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Conductor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin' for the local train on the other platform: hey yo! We over here!
--14th Street Station
MTA conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be out of commission, uh...right now. Get out!
--MetroNorth Train
Overheard by: Kellin
Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah...just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y'all lucky we underground! Have a safe day.
--A Train
I'd Love To, Baby, but My Wednesday One-Liner Won't Let Me Date
Train conductor: East Broadway, welcome to Manhattan. Especially you, tourists, you put my wife on the table--I mean, uh...my food.
--F Train
Overheard by: penelope
Petite 30-something washing clothes: Oh, no! His wife's gonna be there. I gotta get some razor blades.
--Laundry Mat, Broadway & Bushwick, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Matt
Middle aged suit to another: So the main problem my girlfriend and I have is that I really get along with my wife.
--A Train
Overheard by: Suzi
Thug to friend: There's just one thing I want people to say about my wife. Not that she's pretty, or that she's nice. I want them to say, "man, that nigga's wife's got a fat ass!"
--Grand Concourse
Cop to crowd: I suggest you use the other crosswalk, it's less congested. Stay here, risk your life...over there, save your wife!
--Radio City Music Hall
Man on cell: You don't love your wife?! (pause) Fuck you!
--42nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Amina
Dude, Nobody Listens to The Wednesday One-Liners Anymore
Young woman on cell: So I said to him, are you going to listen to Barbra Streisand forever?
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: Korky
20-something girl: I'm a teenager! I collect pogs and say "suck it," and listen to Kriss Kross!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Claire H.
Guy: Man, these guys are like The Beatles of my generation.
--In Line for Cypress Hill Show, Nokia Theatre
Burly MTA contractor: I mean imagine if it was a dude singing "I kissed a guy and I liked it."
--Chambers St Subway Station
Overheard by: sarah
Trendy girl: I can't believe they charge $1.29 for a song now. What song is worth $1.29?!? Well, I guess "Don't Stop Believing" and "We Are the Champions"... basically any Queen song.
--Coldstone Creamery, Astor Place
Overheard by: Any Britney Song
20-something girl to 20-something boyfriend: Don't dress up like Elton John because I want you to. Dress up like Elton John because you want to.
--Halloween Shop, 11th St & Broadway
There's No Wednesday One-Liners Like Show Wednesday One-Liners
Hipster Pee-wee Herman lookalike to friend: Oh, and when I give her anilingus to let me direct a show? You're totally gonna be in it!
--Q Train
Overheard by: Flea
Man: I believe some of this will be made up.
--Going into Wicked, Broadway
Overheard by: CAM
Black highschool girl: Oh my god, why do they keep singing?
--In the Heights, Broadway Musical
Overheard by: Cookie
Woman in Jersey accent: Is this the one about the boy who wants to be a horse or the girl who wants to be a fish?
--At Equus, Broadhurst Theatre
Overheard by: HarlemRy
Daniel Radcliffe fan girl: I have to be in this show some day. Even if I'm eighty, I gotta be in this show with him. I'd be like, "put it in me! Put it in me!"
--At Equus, Broadhurst Theatre
Overheard by: Nikki
Man leaving Hair: Well, that beats the hell outta Shakespeare!
--Outside Delacorte Theater, Central Park
Bootylicious Wednesday One-Liners
Gay guy on cell: And they had the guy with the biggest butt stand next to the guy with the second-biggest butt! Seriously, what is wrong with them?
--6th Ave & 12th
Woman getting on a crowded train, looking for a seat: See, I told you there would be a lot of behinds on this train!
--N Train
Overheard by: Some behind lucky enough to find a seat.
Thug to another: After I wipe his ass, I'm gonna beat his ass!
--86th & Park Ave
Woman on cell: So, what are you going to tell him? "Sorry, I can't marry you--your ass is broken"?
--1st & 23
Teen to friend: Why didn't he use a tennis racket? It would have left that waffle fry look on your ass.
--Bus to Penn Station
Skipping tween girl to metrosexual father: I've seen your butt, you know!
--72nd & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: Shannon
Wednesday One-Liners Just Need to Walk It Off
Large bald man on Bluetooth: He got a fuckin' boo boo, that's all!
--Gramercy
Suit on cell: So, I haven't been electrocuted...yet.
--L Train
Elderly woman: I regret that she broke her arm. I do not regret pushing her down the stairs.
--E Train
Overheard by: Pat
Little boy: I hope the boo-boo goes away soon! My staple won't hold that long!
--23rd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Say what?
Guy on train to friend: Hey, would you still date a girl if she was in an industrial accident and had to wear a Darth Vader suit forever?
--6 Train
Have You Ever Considered Modeling, Wednesday One-Liner?
Man walking in to immigration center to immigration security guard: You look very elegant today.
--Immigration Application Support Center, Queens
Lady: Oh my gosh, Casey looks so good! You would never know that he's blind!
--W 20th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Katie AK
Slightly tipsy elderly suit: Do you know where I can find a beautiful woman? Someone to spend the rest of my life with?
--Metropolitan Museum Info Desk
A Capella group leader, walking into train: Ladies and gentlemen, happy Thursday. We are a Doo Whop group and we are here to entertain you. If you like what you hear, show us some love. If you are miserable, hell, add more fiber to your diet. This Sunday, we will be saluting the best-looking people on the subway. Have a fiberrific day!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Em Allears
Ghetto black chick after someone took a picture of her: Did you get all the beautifulness?
--Saks Fifth Avenue
Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy
And Yet You'll Take It Bareback, Bent Over in a Bar Bathroom?
Guy #1: I gotta say, when I was in Vegasssssssssss, I had the chicken parm.
Guy #2: Oh!
Guy #1: And believe it or not, it was the best chicken parm of my life!
Guy #2: Oh! I would be so conflicted.
--41st & 7th
Overheard by: Nathan
Nor Can You Smoke Underwater
Smoking girl: I dreamed I was a mermaid. Then I woke up, and I was a mermaid.
Girl's friend: But you can't swim!
--H&M, Penn Station
Something for Which One Would Have to Pay Extra
Freshman girl: I really like this guy...but he's like 28.
Freshman boy: I'm pretty sure that's illegal.
Freshman girl: What do you mean?
Freshman boy: Like, really illegal. Even in Russia.
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Loverparty
Many People Are Simply Incapable Of Political Discussion
Hipster guy, finishing a story: And so I said "suck on that, commie!"
Hipster girl: Wait, what?
Hipster guy: By "commie", I mean "communist." And by "suck on that," I mean my cock.
Hipster girl, disappointed: Oh.
Gay hipster guy: I get it! But, I mean, what about the chafing?
--Q Train
Overheard by: Alexx
Even Better
Upper East Side mom: Jackie, you have so many friends! I'm so happy for you!
Six-year-old girl: Mommy, those aren't my friends. Those are my entourage.
--92nd & Madison
Overheard by: LLOYD!!!
I Had Flashbacks to the Last Eight Years
Girl #1: And when that guy jumps out with the saw...that movie was so scary!
Girl #2: Yeah. It was politically scary.
--Columbia University
After Calling "No Homo," Though
Geeky 30-something Asian man: He keep telling me "Fuck me! Fuck me!" so I tell him "Fuck you!" and I fuck him!
Mother: (not paying attention).
Geeky 30-something Asian man: I am a man! I put my dick in him for five minutes.
Mother: (not paying attention).
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Malta Paul
Sweet, Sticky, Disgusting, Ultimately Futile
Yuppie #1: It's like giving head to a gummie bear. You know what I mean?
Yuppie #2: I know, I know...
--4th St & 6th Ave
Watch Me Pull a Rabbit Out Of It!
Guy to friend: Hey, did you notice that after every time you got on this (points to self) you end up with a boyfriend?
Girl: What? Oh man, you're right! It's like you have a magic pee-pee!
Guy: Yeah.
--Penn Station
Gotta Keep One Thing About Me Squeaky Clean
French lady: Yes, I was married. We met at a cafe. It was love at first sight. So we got married. But I always knew there was another woman. He had another family. This other woman...
American lady friend, interrupting: Would you like some almonds?
French lady: No, I just brushed my teeth.
--Lincoln Plaza Cinemas
And What's More Hilarious Than Middle-aged Sex?
Comedy show promoter: Comedy show tonight! 50% off, right here! What about you guys?
Middle-aged woman with husband: No thanks, we're seeing a movie.
Comedy show promoter: What about after your movie? We got late shows too!
Middle-aged woman: That's when we go home and have sex. Thanks, though.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Laura
Where One Expects to See Two Fried Eggs on a Flagpole
Girl #1: So he just made up lies about her? What an asshole!
Girl #2: Well, they aren't necessarily lies...
Girl #1: You mean it's true?
Girl #2: Think about it. (pause) I mean, she's so skinny. And they're so perky.
--NYU Silver Center
Then It Changed to Crocs, and We All Cried.
Girl #1: When Annie is in a relationship, she's really serious. But when she was single she went through what we like to call the "sit on your face" phase.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: She'd go up to a guy in the bar we were in and say, "man, you look so good tonight. I might just sit on your face later."
(girl #2 laughs)
Girl #1: Yeah... "sit on your face" was the new black for a while.
--Pig 'n' Whistle Bar
Overheard by: Ellen
Hokay, I No Steal
American guy: All the buildings in New York City are made with brick. No steel. So if there's an earthquake, we're all dead.
Foreign guy: No steel?
American guy: No steel. All brick. If there's an earthquake, we're all dead.
(foreign guy giggles hysterically)
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
All She Needs Is More Pockets
Guy #1: Emily complemented me on not carrying anything to or from work.
Guy #2: She so wants to be a dude.
--41st & Madison
Photo Grade Paper, or Did You Cheap Out on Me?
Waiter: Yeah, that's just because you're obsessed with me.
Bartender, sarcastically: Oh, yeah, right--I'm totally obsessed with you. I went to your Facebook page and downloaded all the pictures of you on there and printed them out and put them up on my wall so I could have a collage.
Waiter: That was oddly specific.
--Lounge, Don't Tell Mama
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
We Blame Woody Allen for Popularizing the Chronic Misuse Of "Nauseous"
20-something artsy hipster girl #1: I am just nauseous trying to process the brilliance of his art. I can't even process it yet.
20-something artsy hipster girl #2: Oh, I totally know what you mean.
--James Jean Show, Chelsea
Plus You Have Grunty Anal with Other Men
Older man in crowded elevator: What does "metro" mean, anyway?
Wife, in a loud voice: Metrosexual?! Metrosexuals are men who dress well but aren't gay.
Older man: So I am a metrosexual?
Wife, still in a loud voice: No, I choose your clothes, so that doesn't count.
--Bloomingdales
What People Talk About When They Waken from Long Comas
Girl #1: Wait, Tara Reid is from New Jersey?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Oh my *god*, that explains so much!
--Backyard BBQ, Howard Beach
Be Part Of a Warm Exploited Minority, for Once
Hobo, shivering violently on freezing night: Couldja spare somethin'? Help me out?
(tall guy gives him a dollar)
Hobo: I would appreciate it if you could spare one hundred dollars.
Tall guy, laughing: Tell me about it!
Hobo, still shivering: I'm tryin' to get to Hawaii! Alo-ha!
--7th & 14th
Best Week Ever!!!
Lady to mobile salesman: I know you went to the back to speak to the manager, don't lie to me.
Salesman: Actually, I went to the back to take a shit.
Lady: I hope you don't shit for a week.
--Brighton Beach, Brooklyn
Overheard by: nikki
Headline by: Jonny-G
Runners-Up:
· "First Rule Of Sales: The Customer Is Your Friend, Not Your Enema" - Vasyl
· "Great! How Am I Supposed to Overshare with Customers Now?" - beans
· "He's Glad He Didn't Tell the Truth That He Had Sex Back There" - Deborah
· "I'll Save It Up, Just for You" - Keith
· "The Ancient New York Curse" - Natalie
· "The Gypsies Were Getting Lazy with Their Curses" - my other comment is witty
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