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Instead Of Wearing Ratty T-Shirts, I'd Have to Wear Gucci Ratty T-Shirts
Girl: I can't take the $100,000.
Guy: Why not?
Girl: Cause being poor is a part of who I am.
--Columbia Medical Center
Overheard by: Philips Loh
The Only Winners Here Are the Crabs Who Continue to Thrive.
Ghetto girl: So I used his razor to shave my armpits and he got all pissed talkin' bout germs and shit. I told him, "with all the humpin' we's been doin' I think I'm the one who needs to be worried about germs with all your STDs!"
Ghetto friend: Word.
--6 Train
Not Anymore, Right?
Male passenger: One of her daughters has head lice, so she didn't come in to work today.
Female companion (wincing): That's ridiculous! It's not like she has AIDS or something!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Les Izzmore
Like, Elizabeth Taylor Sad
Blonde in stilettos: My boss told me that she slept with Mick Jagger.
Blonde in pumps: Recently?
Blonde in stilettos: No, back when he was beautiful.
Blonde in pumps: He was beautiful?
Blonde in stilettos: In the sixties.
Blonde in pumps: That's so sad.
--Marquee's
And at Least They Blow Me
Chick: You rotate girlfriends like handkerchiefs.
Dude: If they are confused bitches who like making me uncomfortable.
--Roebling Tea Room, Williamsburg
In Spanish, This Is a Two-Hour Conversation
(in Spanish)
Hispanic woman #1: Girl, I couldn't pee all day. I just peed before we left the office, that's it.
Hispanic woman #2: You gotta go to the doctor for that, you know. Could be bad.
Hispanic woman #3: I peed so much today... I just couldn't stop! It just went on and on for so long. I peed so much I felt something break, you know?
Hispanic woman #1: Girl!
--39th & 8th
Another Successful Workday for Pedro
Drunk sorority girl #1: My feet hurt.
Creepy hobo: Do you need someone to rub 'em for you, baby?
Drunk sorority girl #2: Violated! Violated!
--Bleecker & McDougal
Fine, I'm Pee-Shy, Okay?
Little girl in stall with her mother: Are you going to go?
Mother: No.
Little girl: You aren't going to go?
Mother: No.
Little girl: You aren't going to go?
Mother: No, I don't have to go.
Little girl: But you said you had to go!
Mother: I changed my mind.
Little girl: That's not something you can change your mind about!
--Ladies' Room, Saks Fifth Avenue
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Drinking Alcohol, Missing Curfew--It's a Nightmare.
Man: Say, how's your tapeworm doing?
Woman: Oh, don't even get me started!
--R Train
Overheard by: Chad L.
But at Least We Don't Have to Take Off Corsets
Man at urinal #1: I'd like to smack the motherfucker who invented the button fly.
Man at urinal #2: Seriously. He clearly wasn't a drinker.
Man at urinal #1: It's just so selfish.
--Shea Stadium
Did You Look in Aisle Seven?
Cashier: Hi ma'am, did you find everything you wanted?
Big funky black lady: Yeah, I guess so. Too bad you guys don't sell husbands here.
--Bath and Body Works, Park Ave & 23rd
Overheard by: thinking the same thing
It's How My Family Referred to My First Wedding
Skinny black man: Can you tell me what a fiasco is?
White guy at table with him: Yeah, it's like a party, a big party.
--Outside Nathan's, Coney Island
Overheard by: Justi
Anyone Else Shocked a High School Student Could Identify Alan Greenspan?
TA pointing at picture of Alan Greenspan: Okay, who is this?
Front row student: Alan Greenspan.
TA: And what is he best known for?
Front row student: Being Jewish.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Just sitting in the back
And She Would've Gotten Away with It, Too, If It Weren't for Those Darned Kids
Guy #1: See, I was in a diner the other day, I ordered some food and, yeah, I kinda noticed that the waitress was hot. Once I'd got my food and gone outside, I saw they hadn't given me my hash brown. So I went back in thinking, you know, I could get my hash brown and ask the waitress for her number or something. But when I got back the waitress was like "I ate your hash brown."
Guy #2: She ate your hash brown?
Guy #1: She ate my hash brown!
--Lexington Ave b/w 40th & 41st
Just Means I Won't Give You This Exploding Apple
Crazy hobo, looking up from intense argument with imaginary friend: Excuse me, sir!
Confused suit: Uh, yeah?
Crazy hobo: What kind of teacher are you?
Confused suit: Teacher?
Crazy hobo: Yes, what subject do you teach?
Confused suit: But, um, I'm not a teacher...
Crazy hobo: Oh. Well, that's alright. Don't think I was criticizing you. I guess it's alright if you're not a teacher. I wasn't insulting you!
--6th & Spring
Overheard by: Heather
From the Glade Plug-Ins "Pussy Passion" Collection...
Thug to female friend: Damn, I ain't never gonna have my house stop smelling like pussy.
Spanish passerby, in Spanish: I hope he is talking about his cats.
--136th & Broadway
Overheard by: gator city girl
Kids Have the Intestinal Tracts Of Spotted Hyenas
Woman: We gotta get yogurt for the kids, too.
Man: I got yogurt.
Woman: Yeah, Activia. You can't be giving kids Activia! Kids already be shittin' like mad!
--Costco, Brooklyn
My Arm Muscles Are Totally Atrophying
30-something Latina: I wish I could beat my daughter like it was allowed when I was growing up.
Friend, nodding knowingly: Uh-huh.
--Gun Hill & Rochambeau
Overheard by: Gutterlush
But She Has Fielded Some Balls in Her Day, If You Catch My Drift
Girl in bathroom #1: God, I look horrible today. This is what Madonna must look like after playing some baseball with a rod. (pause) if you know what I mean...
Girl in bathroom #2: Are you really that dumb? Madonna is a singer, not a baseball player...everyone knows that!
--Macy's
Overheard by: Home run for ester!
And You Should Know, Ms. "I-Camped-Out-for-Bon-Jovi-Tickets"
Woman, sounding disgusted: Who falls asleep on the street?
Man, sounding tired of explaining things: A lot of people do.
--Spring St, SoHo
Overheard by: CK
...Since You Pooped in It
Little boy: Mom, is this a potty?
Mom: No it's the subway exit.
Little boy: It smells like a potty.
--F Train
God, I Miss College
Daughter: Their floor is cracked concrete, they can't even sit up in their beds, they only have one window...
Mother: So they can't even see where the rats are?
--Q Train
The Two Types Of People Who Eventually End Up at NYU
Little boy #1: So, are you a Jew?
Little boy #2: No, I'm an Aquarius.
--Chinese Restaurant, 52nd & 1st
Overheard by: Ethan
By Getting Toasted?
Girl to friend: I absolutely love toast! Ya know?
Friend: I know! I pay homage to it every morning!
--Times Square
Seems to Be a Lot Of Getting Pooped on by Pigeons
Boy: Let's go sit down.
Girl, pointing to statues: Let's go see what those people are about.
--Christopher Park
Thank Goodness We Don't Actually Have to Know Anything About Their Bodies
Yuppie guy: God, I can't even finish this. I feel completely bloated, like some chick. Disgusting.
Hipster guy: You feel like a chick?
Yuppie guy: Yeah...you know, like all girls get once a month: Bitchy, bloated, and popping those pills.
Hipster guy: You mean, like, the abortion pill?
--Pizza Shop, E 34th & 1st St
Glad You Got to the Root Of the Problem
Man to friend: So at that time I was having a lot of um, problems with...um, stuff.
Friend: Uh-huh.
Man to friend: And then I figured it out! I was eating a lot of beets at the time! (beams and laughs)
--49th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Lori_Lee
An Overpriced Studio Apartment with No Windows?
Little boy, pointing to staircase leading to basement: Daddy, what's downstairs?
Dad: Hell.
--Clothing Store, NoHo
I'm Storing Up for a Craft Project.
Girl #1: Are you pregnant? Your belly looks big...
Girl #2: No, I just haven't shat for three days.
--4 Train
Someone Finally Asks Martha Stewart the Tough Question
Creepy guy to girl reading book: You have a beautiful accent. Where are you from, Australia?
Girl: No, Connecticut.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sromeo
She Just Took Me Out to Dinner. Bitch.
Girl #1: So then he asked if I would send her a birthday card.
Girl #2: Oh my god, seriously? Why would he want you to send his mom a birthday card?
Girl #1: I know! It's not like she sent me one on my birthday.
Girl #2: Slut.
--Amtrak, Grand Central
Overheard by: RG
Thank Goodness for Their Monthly Bible Retreats
Random guy: I was naked in my neighbors' pool this weekend, with my wife and another woman...
Friend: Where were the neighbors?
Random guy: Gone for the weekend. It was great.
--42nd & Lexington
Friends Episodes Often Break Out in Park Slope
Guy: I love you, you know that?
Girlfriend: Fuck you. I know you fucked my sister. It's over.
Guy: But I love you!
(girl slaps him and walks away)
Guy, to barista: I probably deserved that.
Barista: Fuck you.
--Gorilla Coffee, Park Slope
Mohs Scale Reaches Frat House Heights
Frat boy #1: I was so trashed last night.
Frat boy #2: Have you always used the phrase "soft 3, hard 8"?
Frat boy #1: Nah, I kinda made that up last night.
Frat boy #2: You're not embarrassed?
Frat boy #1: Nah, hard 8.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Steve
Headline by: katcob
Runners-Up:
· "Drunk or Sober, You Can't Fool Me About Pencil Lead" - Bill A
· "I Am Willing to Let the World Know How I Like My Eggs" - JohnnyB
· "It's a Grower!" - Cass
· "Just Remember to Call "No Homo" Next Time, Okay?" - version
· "Really? Only 8 and You're Not Embarrassed?" - Keith
· "What's *Your* Sleep-It-Off Number?" - Coyoty
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Or Maybe Like Being an Orthodox Jewish Woman
Hipster guy #1: Dude, your hair is getting really long.
Hipster guy #2: I know! It's nice. It's like having a hat...
Hipster guy #1: (silence)
Hipster guy #2: ...made of hair.
--NYU
Now Let's Hurry Home Before We Miss Him Walking on Water
Lanky white guy: Well, I'm still expecting my pony from Obama.
Female friend: He cured your leprosy. Stop complaining.
--187th & Broadway
Overheard by: Zev
A Bro-Yo!
Punk #1: I knew this guy once, he had the fetus of his identical twin attached to his shoulder.
Punk #2: I'd cut it off and make a yo-yo out of that shit.
--Rivington & Essex
Wednesday One-Liners Learned to Drive Badly in Foreign Lands
20-something guy on cell: In the eight-minute cab ride it went from her telling him he was wearing a cheap coat to her licking his face!
--Sheep Meadow, Central Park
Overheard by: Robert
Conductor: We are not moving because of a switch problem at 125th. If you are in a hurry, there are taxis upstairs.
--Uptown D Train
Overheard by: Wes
30-something man in Santa suit on cell: Where the fuck is my fucking taxi, bitch?
--Lafayette & Spring
Cop pulling over a cabbie: Why did you honk? Where did you see danger? Where did you see danger? Besides behind your own wheel...
--Times Square
Woman cut off by cab while crossing the street: Oh my god! I'm getting cab-fucked left and right!
--Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: Marc
Can You Hear Wednesday One-Liners Now?
Judge to room packed with prospective jurors: I am going to give you a number to call in case of an emergency. You should copy this down. The number is 917-480... (pause) Oh shit! (mic becomes muffled). Um, sorry. That was my cell phone number.
--Supreme Court Building
Woman on cell: Our codependent lewdity shall rage on, Verizon! Take that!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McF
Hipsterette to another: Well, you shouldn't have to sleep with someone to find out if he's going to call you back.
--Coffee Shop, Park Slope
Overheard by: TheGreenCat
Conductor: There is a C train just across the platform. For those of you who have a sudden urge for a change of plans and wish to abandon your plans to go to Park Slope tonight, you can hop off here and take the C to East New York. I hope you have a phone to call your family, you won't be home for dinner!
--F Train
Overheard by: Staying on the F
Girl in bathroom stall on cell: Okay, my phone is dying, I will call you later. (pause) Call you from a payphone? I don't know how to use one of those.
--School, Lower Manhattan
Well-dressed woman walking tiny dog, yelling into cell: You know what, John? You can e-mail, don't even call me. I don't want you on my phone. (pause) Hello?
--Columbus Circle
Do Those One-Liners Go All the Way Up to Your Wednesday?
Lady to another: I'm waxing my crotch whether he likes it or not!
--52nd & Madison
Overheard by: someguyslikethejungle
Preteen: Yo, she bit Mark's crotch!
--66th & Broadway
Overheard by: dan
Girl to another: I don't think he'd like your stiletto heel in his actual crotch. Oh, now your twat is all over the place.
--Olivebridge
Man on cell, noticing, "The Big Penis Book": Hey, I'm at this bookstore and they have this big book of penises... Oh, you have it already? The big book, with the pink cover and crotch on the front? Oh, okay, cool.
--Bookstore, Brookyln
Bimbo: Crotches are always wrong!
--American Apparel Store
Wednesday One-Liner's Last Dance with Mary Jane
Professor: We will talk about the JDC--the American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee. And no, they were not dispensing marijuana.
--Queens College
Overheard by: ShaniP
Trashy JAP on cell: So I told her I was selling, and that bitch was like, "Katrina, for how much?" And I was like "Oh my god, mom, it doesn't matter how much the weed is going for, all that matters is the quality!"
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: penelope
Random stranger to teens: You want to buy some weed? Just come back to my mom's house!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Rhian
College student on cell: Mom, you've got to stop smoking so much weed. I mean, fuck!
--Time Square
Random dude on street: I got it all! Liquor, alcohol, marijuana, Chips Ahoy! I got it!
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lagster
Street vendor: Prada bags, Louis Vuitton bags, Gucci bags, marijuana bags... (everyone looks over at him) Hey, I gotta make money somehow.
--Times Square
Overheard by: mary jane
Killing Me Softly with His Wednesday One-Liner
Excited man on cell: Hey! Did you hear who died? Amanda's pretend husband died!
--N Train
Overheard by: Tophs
20-something woman to friend: Well, I wanna kill her and she wants to kill me, 'cause I took her husband.
--R Train
Overheard by: Tara
20-something hipster girl: I am a nihilist! Watch me die.
--Waverly & Mercer
Asian guy to white girl: All children are born evil. If they had the strength of an adult during childhood, they would kill someone just to get a lollipop.
--Queens College
Woman on cell: Okay! I get it. She's not a good person. Just kill her.
--Canal St & Laffaette St
Overheard by: Kay
Conductor: You're all gonna die! I'm your worst nightmare! Ahahahaha!
--C Train
Overheard by: P-Diddy
We're All Nine Meals Away from Being Wednesday One-Liners
Black hobo to rush-hour crowd: So, did ya' hear now Obama's president they gonna tear down the Statue of Liberty? Yeah, they gonna put up a new statue--one o' Aunt Jemima!"
--Shuttle Train GCT
Overheard by: Mrs. Butterworth
Hobo: Hey, kids! I wish I was a kid again. Then I'd have a hundred million dollars!
--Henry St, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Jesse
Hobo to clerk: Don't worry, baby, I'll take care of the Gaza Strip.
--Deli, 45th & 3rd
Overheard by: LP
Hobo to girl with boxing gloves attached to her backpack: Hi, there! Give a little money to help the homeless? (silence) I'll take anything but a punch in the face!
--Astor & Lafayette
Overheard by: Andi C.
Shouting hobo: The family that scratches their butts together has smelly fingers!
--34th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Kramer
Hobo crossing street and pushing shopping cart: Hi ho Silver!
--23rd St & Park Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Grow Up Faster in the City
Little girl to woman walking by: Oh, look--another person, sooooo interesting. It's not like we haven't seen enough of those today.
--D'Agnostino's, Greenwich & Barrow
Overheard by: Margo
Boy walking in church to mom: And when we walk in we'll hear Gregorian chants.
--Trinity Church
Four-year-old boy, after plane's smooth landing: Whoa, that was solid!
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: jen
Kid at birthday party: I thought they were feeding us ice cream, not shit!
--McDonald's, Bayside
Adorable child having a temper tantrum: I don't want to walk, I want to go in the stroller!
(mother ignores him) I'm melting... I'm meeelllting!
--New York Transit Museum
Overheard by: NatalyaPetrovna
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Lot to Swallow
Suit on cell: I've already had a blow job tonight so I don't really care what happens.
--7th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Karmenlara Seidman
Lady suit to other: What about 1994? I haven't sucked cock or watched ice hockey since 1994!
--Lion's Head, 109th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: A great man
Toothless thug: And now she wants an award for sucking my dick.
--7th Ave & 16th St
Overheard by: mattamore
Guy on cell: Look, I'm about to get on the train and lose signal so I'll sum up my argument: until I can pull out my dick and get a blowjob from any woman I want, my grudge against feminists stands. No, I don't care if it doesn't make sense. Fuck you, I'm getting on the train!
--Penn Station
Old woman to husband: Now isn't she the girl who gave him head in the Port Authority bathroom?
--Bench, Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Horrified
Girl to two hipster friends with yoga mats: Oh my god, he had to stop me while I was sucking on his dick just to tell me he likes me. Like why? Ew, why would he bother?
--Avenue B & 13th
In the Name Of the Father, the Son, and the Wednesday One-Liner
Husband pushing carriage to wife: You're lucky I'm on my way to church right now, or I'd kill you.
--Upper West Side
Chick on cell: But the real question is, is he Catholic? And an insomniac?
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Poogins
Sequined Australian drag queen: Well, I know an Antichrist religion when I see it.
--2nd St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Alisha
Girl on phone: He told me he was raped by a Catholic priest when he was little, but like I don't believe him.
--Butler Library, Columbia University
Train conductor: 110th Street, Cathedral Parkway. There are churches here, you know.
--1 Train
Man to woman, after getting off cell phone: Ah, that was Nancy--booty call. She says I gotta get over there before she's got to go to church.
--Q Train
Overheard by: spygirl
Two Wednesdays, One-Liner
Thuggette to two friends: So we, like, had a threesome, just without the sex.
--Kingsborough Community College
Hipster boy holding Christmas wreath: Well, no, I wasn't part of the threesome.
--Pearl St & John St
Overheard by: Matthew
Blonde 30-something: I love threesomes. That's when you go shopping with two friends, right? Right?
--77th & Lexington
Overheard by: iwantinonthat
Suit on cell: Were you invited to the gangbang? I wasn't invited! She always invites me to the gangbang! Fucking whore!
--86th & Park Ave
Overheard by: i wasn't invited either!
Conductor: Man, I am telling you, those two girls were just not ready, ready for me.
--A Train
Hobo: I would like money to buy beer so I can get drunk, and take home two women so they can molest me.
--M&M Store
The Technicolor Yawn Of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Vomiting is prohibited on this train. Please, no vomiting on this train.
--LIRR
Conductor: There are only three reasons for an empty train car. A) it smells. B) it's hot. C) someone threw up.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Laura
Gay NYU student: I've already been through the cycle. Eat, vom, feel better about life.
--Tisch Hall, NYU
Conductor: There will be no vomiting on this train. Repeat. There will be no vomiting on this train. (short pause) If you have to vomit, vomit on yourself.
--LIRR, Drunk Train
Overheard by: Jason
Girl to two guy friends: Last night I was traveling back on the train, and there was, like, an airsick bag in the thing and I got a craving for Gardetto's, because the last time we were traveling... (becomes inaudible)
--Atlantic & Bond, Boerum Hill
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Boyfriend to wasted girlfriend: Baby, I swear. This is the best place in New York to throw up. (girlfriend pukes)
--MacDougal St, The Village
Overheard by: Reid Rogers
If You're Against Wednesday One-Liners, Don't Have One
Opera director, after tech sticks a wire hanger under the thermostat box to turn up the heat: Well, someone just got an abortion! (everyone stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!
--Brooklyn Music School
Comedy club promoter: Cheaper than a Chinese abortion!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Mickey
Bar customer to bartender: You're only 22? I have an aborted fetus that's older than you!
--110th & Amsterdam
Man selling tickets: Help me pay for my girlfriend's abortion by coming to the comedy club!
--Times Square
Man to very pregnant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had gotten an abortion.
--D Train
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Hello, Dream Job!
Cashier #1: I have jury duty on Friday, so I'm not coming in.
Cashier #2: Jury duty?
Cashier #1: Yeah, I have jury duty on Friday. But it's okay, cuz I'll get paid.
Cashier #2: But what's jury duty?
Cashier #1: It's when you go to court and send people to jail.
Cashier #2: You can get paid for that?
--Supermarket, Queens
If Only the Production Crew Of The Hills Could Do This
Hyper teenage blonde: Hey, know what I just realized?
20-something blonde sister: Okay, wait. In the interest of saving time, I'm gonna pull my hand back like so before you start talking. Now you can go ahead and say what you wanted to say, but just know that if it's something ignorant or retarded, I'm gonna slap you out of your shoes and right off the sidewalk, and then keep slapping you until we get home. Is whatever you want to say worth it?
(long pause)
Hyper teenage blonde: No?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Really want to know what she was gonna say
Remember How He'd Periodically Check to See If I Was Breathing? That Little Imp!
Girl to skinny ditzy drunk girl: Remember my friend Mark?
Drunk skinny ditz: Mark who?
Girl: You know, Mark. He called you emaciated?
Drunk skinny ditz: Oh yeah! I fucking love Mark!
--Union Pool
Overheard by: Wally
I Mean, Why Die If You Care About Your Body?
Man #1: So they were just rolling around in the back of the car, you didn't use anything to hold them down at all?
Man #2: Well, I mean, the bodies are gonna be embalmed anyways, they get all stiff then--so why would I?
--Bedford & N 8th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: raeme
Are You Saying We Shouldn't Have Sold Her Things on EBay?
Girl #1: Oh! This is a cute black dress. Maybe I'll get this for the funeral.
Girl #2: Huh? But she's not even dead yet!
--Target
Overheard by: target shopper
Yet You Won't Even Obey the White Man When It's Time to Cross the Street?
White woman with two kids: Oh my god! Look! These lollipops are designed to look like the faces of little white children!
Asian woman: Yeah--they're made of molded chocolate.
White woman: I love Asian grocery stores!
White woman's kid: Mommy, mommy! Can I have it? I want to eat the white child!
--New Kam Man, Canal St
Overheard by: office peon can be wary of white people
Lesbian Dirtytalk Continues to Elude Us
Lesbian #1: I'm going to eat your face off.
Lesbian #2: Oh!
Lesbian #1: I'm going to eat your face off and it's going to taste like flesh.
--NYC Pride Parade
Overheard by: Rachel
I Know the Kabuki Makeup Doesn't Help, But I Got Bored.
Black nanny #1 to another, about white baby in her care: Her mother tells me to put sunscreen on her, but she's so damn white.
Black nanny #2: I know, nigger looks like Casper.
--Battery Park Playground
Overheard by: Ana O
Take Another Moment to Love New York
Lady: Is that your girlfriend? She has beautiful eyes.
Guy with girlfriend: Yeah, you should see her ass. Baby, get up and show her your ass.
--B Train
Going Back to Iraq Looks Better Every Day, Huh?
Woman to husband in magazine section: Honey, I'm just going to run to the bathroom before I pay for all...
Husband, interrupting: Whatever. (to stranger) Ugh! Marriage. I have a son, too. It just gets worse and worse, doesn't it?
--Barnes & Noble, Bayside
Overheard by: sympathetic bookseller
Well, Regardless, I Made Him Return Her.
French lady #1: So then he bought me some flowers. This was right before I found out he bought a prostitute.
French lady #2: Oh...how long ago was that?
--Macy's
I'm Getting Kind Of Tired Of Falling Back on That
Trashy Jersey man: That guy is such a jerk to his wife.
Trashy Jersey woman: Yeah, one time I peed myself in his car just to make him mad. I told him, "I just peed in your car." He was mad.
Trashy Jersey man: That was a good idea. Or you could have busted his face with a bottle.
--2 Train
What If She's Going to Make You a Sandwich?
Clerk #1: Yeah, she said she wants me to be more possessive to her.
Clerk #2: What the fuck does that mean? Your bitch is crazy.
Clerk #1: I dunno what it means, but next time I see her I'm gonna say, "bitch, where you goin'?" and when she starts to answer me I'm just gonna yell, "no!"
--3rd St & Ave A
Overheard by: alex mwheel
Here's Yours, Quasimodo
Child: Do I get a cupcake too?
Mother, to group of small children: You all get a cupcake, no matter how horrible you are!
--Lincoln Square
Overheard by: Bee
...But You Need to Say That While Jabbing Her with Sticks
NYU girl to friend: She looks like a lesbian.
Random older man walking by: Aw, don't talk about her like that when she's not around.
NYU girl: But she does!
Random older man: Okay, I believe you.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Ramsey
Being Friends with a Cyborg Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be
Friend #1: My friend told me that in Wisconsin they deep-fry cheese curds.
Friend #2: What's "cheese curds"?
Friend #3: Kurds are a perennially oppressed ethnic minority group found in parts of Iran, Iraq, and Turkey.
--East Village
When He Talked About Her "Flat," She Assumed He Was Making Disparaging Comments About Her Chest
Frustrated woman laying out: Actually, no, he didn't say he would call me, he said he would "ring" me.
Indignant friend: What an asshole! Like seriously, you're not British!
--Sheep Meadow
Overheard by: Henry Higgins
Your Editors Grow Weary Of This Formula
Girl #1, about lady on loudspeaker: Do you think she's British?
Girl #2: Nah, she's just drunk.
--Chelsea Piers
Spontaneous Mailing-List Orgasms Are Common in Manhattan
Clipboard guy: Would you like to sign up for our mailing list?
Old man: Uh...uh... I...uh...uh.
Clipboard guy: You don't have to.
--Wings Theatre
Overheard by: Daniel
Maybe You Shouldn't Have Sex 'til You Can Answer This Question
Bi-curious guy to gaggle of girls: He wakes up every morning, looks in the mirror and says, "I hope I don't have herpes."
Girl #1: Has he gotten tested?
Bi-curious guy: No, he's too afraid.
Girl #2: I would be too if I'd been around that much dirty snatch.
Girl #1: Wouldn't you be able to tell if you had herpes?
--Sheepshead Bay
Yeah, 25's a Tough Age to Get Through
Trying-too-hard dude: You are so funny I can't believe you're single.
Already jaded 20-something chick: I am a 25-year-old girl wearing a Batman t-shirt to a bar in Soho, is it really that implausible?
--Soho
FCC Finally Regulates Overheard
Man walking against traffic: Beep! Beep! Beep!
Older black woman: Beep beep, my behind!
--6 Train
Headline by: Trey Jackson
Runners-Up:
· "At Long Last, Someone Correctly Answers David's Mating Call" - cultural anthropologist
· "Discovered: Where Beyonce Gets Her Lyrics From" - Joel Moore
· "Is That an Insult or an Invitation?" - alan b hutscar
· "Now, If This Had Been on HBO, the Beeps Would Have Been Words..." - beep!
· "Will.i.am, Writing In Notepad: "Genius!"" - James
· "Yeah, Our Line Of Novelty Horns Is Doing Quite Well" - mk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Our Weekly Games Of Human Tetris Are Quite Enough for Me
Older guy: Come on, just once?
Older lady: No, I'm not role playing anything with you.
--The Nintendo Store
Overheard by: Duckjerky
Also What the Pharaoh's Daughter Said When She Found Moses in That Basket
Petite Asian woman looking for object in her purse: It sort of looks like...
Tall male companion: A vibrator.
--Metropolitan Opera House
Overheard by: Trying not to do a double-take
That's Like Saying to a Middle-Schooler, "Don't Have Acne."
Bespectacled lady, reading list of pointers to middle schoolers before a dance: Don't be a wallflower. Don't leave the dance during the middle of a song.
Sassy lady across the table: Don't get a boner.
--Picholine Restaurant
You Can't Get Good Alien Monster Pornography Anymore
Guy with mullet #1: Did you get those two pics I sent you?
Guy with mullet #2: Actually, once I downloaded them it was a letdown. I thought that the bottom one was a cross section of an elk against glass, like some deer bodies exhibit or some other fucked shit.
--L Train
Overheard by: Zev
Unless You Count Tom on MySpace
Irritating teen brother: Fine, then I'll just call up all your friends and tell them what a loser you are!
Nerdy older sister: Yeah, well, the joke's on you, cause I don't have any friends!
--Greeley Square
Overheard by: C. Milano
She'll Change Her Tune When She Realizes They're in the Bronx
Mother to seven-year-old daughter: We take the A to 168th Street and then the 1 to 231st.
Daughter: Ah! Don't you just love travel!
--Uptown A Train
And the Wet Look Went Out in the 80's
Ditz, talking about shoes: They used to be so white... It makes me sad.
Friend: Try soaking them in soapy water.
Ditz: But then they'd be all wet!
--Central Park
Wasn't This a Show with Sharon Osbourne?
Girl #1: Did you hear that Theresa got sent to alcohol reform?
Girl #2: No, what is that?
Girl #1: It's like a reform thing, like remedial classes, where they force you to like, do things to decrease your drinking.
Girl #2: What!?
--City College of New York
If Woody Allen Were a Hobo
Lady: How are you doing tonight?
Hobo: I'm miserable. You know I'm homeless?
--54th St & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: Seth
The Pink Floyd Laser Show Is Always a Crap Shoot
Teen girl #1: I'm not doing it for the same reasons as like people in the sixtes. I'm not trying to see god or anything.
Teen girl #2: I'm not fucking worried about you having a religious experience, I'm worried about you seeing Sgt. Pepper jerking off to Barney or something!
--Escalator, Time Warner Building
It's More Of a Door Than a Mask
Professor: Do you ever feel that you have a mask you put up for society, and one that is only for you?
Female student: Well...to everybody else, I seem really sociable and outgoing, but what they don't know is that I'd rather just spend a long time inside myself.
--NYU Classroom
Overheard by: queenofscots
Apparently There's Been at Least One
Girl #1: I don't think I'll be dating anyone anytime soon.
Girl #2: But why? We'll be going to college in a few months.
Girl #1: I know, but I just don't think I can settle for anything less than an Italian R&B singer.
--77th & 3rd
Columbia Has a Football Team?
Football player #1: Hold on, I've got to check and see if I have a package.
Football player #2: You know, most guys don't have to check that.
(a few seconds pass)
Football player #1: Shut up.
--Broadway & 115th
For the Last Time, That's Not What the Men's Restroom Is
Flamboyant black man #1: I just want to grab some guy and go make out in the porn room.
Flamboyant black man #2: You mean the pool room?
Flamboyant black man #1: No, the porn room...come here!
--Pop Burger, 9th Ave
Overheard by: j
Also Why Girl Scouts Rarely Get Harassed by the Homeless
Hobo: Hey! Is them cookies good? Is they good?
Commuter, holding bag of cookies: I'll give you a cookie.
Hobo: Thanks, man. What kind of cookies is these?
Commuter: Coconut.
Hobo: Thanks. Hey, can you do me a favor?
Commuter: I gave you a cookie.
Hobo: Yeah...you got me.
--Penn Station
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