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As Long As Judges and Doctors Still Have Theirs
College guy: I read in an article that strippers in the city are losing work.
College girl: Oh, I didn't hear about that. I heard that bankers are losing their jobs. I didn't think strippers would ever lose their jobs.
--M4 Bus
If Fox News Writers Scripted a Teen Drama
15-year-old girl #1: Are you talking politics over there? Just shut up!
15-year-old girl #2: Yeah we are--it's all about Obama.
15-year-old girl #1: What is Obama doing for me?
15-year-old girl #2: What is Obama doing for you?! I'll tell you. He's out there, trying to fight for health care to cover all of us. That abortion you need--you shouldn't have to pay for it. That shit should be covered. None of this abstinence shit.
--A Train
Overheard by: Elana
If Only There Were a Way to Get Sober Enough to Figure It Out
Sleep-deprived art student #1: Sorry, I'm just...you know.
Sleep-deprived art student #2: Yeah, I know, me too. Do you ever just like wake up confused?
Sleep-deprived art student #1: Yeah!
Sleep-deprived art student #2: Just about like, what time even means?
Sleep-deprived art student #1: Yeah! I'm always like that.
Sleep-deprived art student #2: Me too...
--Pratt Institute
What Happens When You Hate Freedom
Captain, upon landing: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the United States of America.
Middle aged woman: Bleheeeeeeh! (vomits profusely for five minutes)
--JFK
But I'll Buy You 200 Pounds Of Meat If You'll Eat It All
Older man: Oh, really?
Younger, athletic man: Yeah, yeah. It works. You know, you...your body type, you want to eat meat. You know, for every pound you weigh, you should eat a pound of meat a day.
Older man: You're an idiot.
--92nd & Central Park West
Overheard by: P. Marino
As the Torah Mandates
Jewish grad student #1: Are you kosher?
Jewish grad student #2: Yeah, of course! Unless it's free...
--Orchard St
With a Lot Of Parts Left Over
Preppy guy #1: Dude, Ikea's where you come when you want to see what your life could really look like.
Preppy guy #2: Yeah, it's like imagination land!
--Ikea, Brooklyn
Only One? Pussy.
Girl, scratching her arm: I have a bug bite; it itches.
Guy: You think that's bad? I have a genital wart.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Fox
Thank You, Elizabeth-- That's a Wonderful Segue to Hobbes
Philosophy professor: And John Stuart Mill says that, for example, if a person is drowning in a pond, a person walking by should save them no matter what the motive.
Girl: Drowning in a pond? A pond?! I'd let him drown just for being a moron.
--Baruch College
Overheard by: Hope I'm never drowning near her
You Can Always Tell Which Conductors Have Children
Conductor #1 on loudspeaker: Hey, Rich, can you bring my stuff into the train station once we get into Grand Central? I would, but some guy in car two won't move his big stupid dog and I can't get it past.
Conductor #2: Clifford? The big red stupid dog in your way? Alright, I got it.
--Grand Central Train
Overheard by: mq
Yet When We Insinuate That, We Get Angry Emails.
College girl: Yeah, it's "Soho," south of Houston, and "Noho," North of Houston. Though I guess that's kinda just the village.
College guy: That's what it means? Wow, I didn't know that! Wait, where does the other "o" come from?
College girl: Um...south, and Houston.
College guy: Oh, right. Well, I am from Jersey anyway. I don't even know nothing.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Nathan
...Then Go Fuck Yourself
Tourist woman: Excuse me, can you tell me where the garden is?
Bored looking suit: Ma'am, this is a stadium.
Tourist woman: You asswipe, I can see that, I'm asking where the garden is!
Bored looking suit: Lady... Look, I'm not going to lie to you. It's two blocks down.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Joel Moore
Mind If We Take a Photograph with You, Crazy Local Man?
Creepy local guy to tourist couple: Where are you guys from, are you from Boston?
Tourist man: No, we are from France.
Local guy: Oh, you're from France. I knew you were too good looking to be from Boston.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Nathan
Last Night While I Was Sleeping, They Dipped My Hand in Water!
Guy #1: I'm so tired. The monks kept me up all night.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: There are a bunch of Buddhist monks staying at my house.
Guy #2, laughing: What? Are you serious? Why are they there?
Guy #1: Because my mom is a political activist or something.
Guy #2: (laughs)
Guy #1: It's not even funny, it's just weird. I have all these Buddhist monks plotting a revolution in my living room!
--Stuyvesant High School
Would You Really Want It, in Its Present State?
Hipster dude: We're made for each other, you want to save Israel and the planet, and me too.
Hipster gal: I don't want to save the planet--I want to take it over!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Juantanamo Bay
Unfortunately, I Mean That Literally
Coworker #1: See any good costumes this weekend?
Coworker #2: Yeah, I saw this one guy dressed as Borat. You know, with the like thong-leotard thing?
Coworker #1: Oh, wow.
Coworker #2: Yeah...it was really ballsy of him.
--Broadway & Walker
Overheard by: office peon
Clone-Boy Is Filled With Jealous Rage
Guy hitting on girl: So where are you from?
Disinterested girl: New York.
Guy hitting on girl: No, where are you originally from?
Disinterested girl: My parents.
--East Village Bar
You Try Explaining Bankruptcy to a Kid
Six-year-old boy: Daddy, why's BurritoVille closed?
Dad: Because there aren't enough angels in heaven.
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: feygele
That Poor Blue Muppet Has Really Fallen on Hard Times
Toddler being pushed through park: Music!
Hobo, playing guitar: Give me cookies!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Anna P.
But "Swaziland" Is an Amusement Park, Right?
Blockbuster employee, reading newspaper: I've never heard of these airlines. Qatar?
Customer: It's a country.
--Blockbuster Store
And Is It Enough for the Whole Class?
Man passing by window of chorus room: You can all suck my dick!
Chorus conductor, out window: Oh, you have one?
--Stuyvesant High School
The Light Wine's Actually Pabst Blue Ribbon
Audience member in bar: Could I have a glass of wine?
Volunteer bartender: Sure, light or dark?
Audience member: Umm...red, please.
--White Wave Dance, Brooklyn
For the Last Time, That's Those Damn Vegetable Smoothies
Bitchy gay guy, after overhearing lengthy phone conversation: Damn, he was on the phone longer than your local congresswoman.
Girl: I don't know, I just get so much energy from him.
Bitchy gay guy: I get gas.
--36th St, Queens
Overheard by: Jamie
You Could Help Me TA That Class at NYU...
Local friend: So how you finding New York?
Tourist friend: It's okay, I guess... Just can't really see it without the monsters, you know? Like in the movies?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Joel Moore
You Do Have to Wonder When All the Nurses Are Carrying Scythes
Older woman: I don't trust New York hospitals. They killed my mother.
Younger woman: Really?
Older woman: They killed my friend's mother. It was horrible.
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn Station
But He Swore He'd Swallowed a Diaphragm
Ghetto girl #1: I hope he was wearing a condom on his tongue.
Ghetto girl #2: I don't think so.
--Ave L
Your Wheelchair Fools No One.
Man, running into girl: Oh! Sorry! I'm sorry! Are you okay?! I'm so sorry.
Girl: Stop apologizing and start walking, idiot!
--Herald Square
How Do You Like Being Told What to Put Your Mouth On?
Woman to hobo hacking up a lung while smoking: You should quit!
Hobo: Kiss my dick.
--92nd & 1st
Overheard by: monster
Like the Meatballs
Loud girl #1: So, have you heard of the Swedish band, Knife? They are so good!
Loud girl #2: Hmmmmm. Wait...yes! They have that single called "Like a Pen," I love that song! Are they Swedish?
Loud girl #1: No, they're Australian.
--Park Slope
...in the Fridge
10-year-old girl in school uniform: Ew! You mean you'd still go through with it?
10-year-old boy in school uniform: Yeah! At least she'd still have a vagina!
--Park Ave & 79th St
How Threesomes Happen
Drunken fit girl: I want cookies! Or ice cream! Or cookies and ice cream!
Sober fit girl: Dude, you are gone.
Drunken fit girl: No I'm not! I'm just happy!
Guy: Yeah, well I can smell your happiness from here...
--27th & 7th
Overheard by: Probably not the perfume
Regardless I'll Chill with My Lost Homeboys
Volunteer: So, what do you want to be for Halloween?
Seven-year-old-boy: I was thinkin I'd be a gangsta...or Peter Pan.
--Shelter, the Bronx
And Yet You Always Know Where the Nearest Bar Is
Stupid tourist girl: Where you heading?
Not-so-stupid tourist, pointing to Empire State Building: We're going there.
Stupid tourist girl: What's that?
Not-so-stupid tourist: Seriously? It's the Empire State Building.
Stupid tourist girl: How am I supposed to know? I've never been here before!
--E 14th St
Headline by: thirsy
Runners-Up:
· "Hey! There's a Giant Drag Queen in the Harbor!" - Nick Pollotta
· "Now Tell Me About the Big Shiny Blue Thing in the East" - Nick Pollotta
· "That's What You Said When We Went to the Bathroom" - BabakganoosH
· "Why Are All These Cars Yellow?" - pbump
· "Yet She Expects Me to Find the Clitoris" - joe
· "You Mean Earth, Right?" - aliensareamongus
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Does This Wednesday Go to One-Liner Street?
Four-year old to his father, dreamily: Let's go on the u train! The beautiful u train!
--D Line
Overheard by: Caitlin
Ditzy girl to friend: I hope there's an exit at this station.
--96th St Station
Amiable suit, answering cell: Hi, hon. (pause) Well, I can't talk long--I have to drive this train.
--Amtrak, Penn Station
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Little boy: Is this train going to move, or what?
--Transit Museum
Overheard by: Rita
MTA worker in booth, over intercom: Hello everyone. The cost to ride the subway is $2. Only $2. The woman in that blue leather jacket and red hat thinks it's free. If you are standing next to a woman in a blue leather jacket and a red hat, tell her she needs to pay her toll like everyone else.
--6 Train Station
Wednesday One-Liners for Ann Coulter
Old guy on phone: All I've done is live in a bitchy bitchy bitchy world.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Danielle
Ghetto guy to another: A bitch in a wheelchair can still suck a dick!
--25th St & 6th Ave
Wife to husband: You do the thinkin', I'll do the bitchin'.
--84th & 2nd
Overheard by: Val
Male scrub nurse: Yeah, he's in that bitch right now. (female scrub nurse looks shocked, male scrub nurse wiggles fingers on both hands) Yeah, he's in there.
--Mount Sinai Hospital
Overheard by: and by
Thug to friend: Yeah my homegirl...she's a slutty bitch, but she's good people.
--Q Train
Wednesday One-Liners for Black History Month
Russian woman to Russian friend: I want to see Notorious because it's about black people.
--Regal Cinema, 13th & Broadway
High school boy: Hey, look--a black kid!
--B1 Bus
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Black guy: Don't worry, its alright! I'm not that black! I haven't mugged anybody in two weeks, and I love all white people under six feet tall!
--Time Square
Overheard by: Jennie
Middle-aged black woman, to no one in particular: That George W. Bush! He walks like an arrogant black man!
--Queens
Overheard by: BigFatTiger
Nerdy Jewish guy: I don't know what went wrong. I should be a black girl by now!
--Queens College
Wednesday One-Liners... The Rest Is Still Unwritten
Kid to another: Stephen king is the best autha, yo. But Danielle Steele is the best girl autha, yo.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Joel
Teen to friend: Santa's a well-read dude, but they won't let him pee.
--5th Ave Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Dude Santa
Ghetto chick: Yeah, maybe mama will actually buy a book...one day.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Guy trying to push "free literature": This book is really important. It was the book that Gandhi followed. Do you know who Gandhi is? He's like the Indian Martin Luther King.
--L Train
Man reading Richard Scarry's What Do People Do All Day?: What? Poets do not write poetry all day! They work shitty jobs in design firms and sell things to assholes from San Diego! (turns page) And writers don't write all day! They pick up laundry for Park Slope bitches!
--Children's Section, Barnes & Noble, Court Street
Overheard by: Amused Bookseller
Wednesday One-Liners Hang Weird Shit on Their Mirrors
Cab driver, getting cut off: Yeah, drive like you want that cheeseburger!
--Columbus Circle
Cabbie: I got in some trouble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I never realized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets better than my own closet! (laughs)
--Cab, Broadway & Houston
Cab driver to colleague who just honked after he stopped for a pedestrian: What, you want me to kill him?
--Battery Park
Middle Eastern cab driver: I used to have a video store in Washington Heights. But the black bastard put me out of business! Can you believe it? After ten years the black bastard put me out of business! Do you now the black bastard on Dyckman? C'mon! Everybody knows the back bastard! Black bastard! Black bastard video!
--Cab, Washington Heights
Overheard by: Gene Gray
Cab driver: When you drive for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of drivers are, how do you say it...stupid.
--Queens
Overheard by: Fiasco
Wednesday One-Liners Without Emotional Attachment: Myth or Reality?
Dressed up overweight 20-something girl to another: We're in our 20s. We're like supposed to be slutty, right?
--Norman & Diamond
Overheard by: Guess I missed the memo 20-something girl
College girl to another: You gotta hit it and quit it, like a dude!
--W Broadway & 108th St
Overheard by: Tess
Janky fat woman: He never told me not to tramp!
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Rob
Loud thug with neck tattoos on cell: You know Stud is my son, dude. Stud just wanna hump on women all day.
--Deli, Myrtle Ave, Fort Greene
Overheard by: Myrtle & Carlton
Hipster chick to another: I was wasted! Then I saw him in daylight and said "Holy shit!"
--Havemeyer, Grand Street, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Miss Heather
Lawyerly woman to another: I told him that just because I want to fuck does not mean that we have to love each other.
--Foley Square
Overheard by: Julio
Random guy to cute girl: Good luck, honey. What you wake up with, you're stuck with.
--Jimmy Steiny's, Hyatt Street, Staten Island
It's Wednesday-- Do You Know Who Your One-Liner's With?
Young man to friend: So, about your girlfriend...I think she and I should fuck.
--Union Square West & 16th St
Street hawker selling datebooks: Wanna cheat on your husband? Plan it out! Get a daily planner, write it in red!
--Herald Square
Overheard by: MPW
Hipster teen girl to friend: Dude, don't worry about it. Whenever I want guys to cheat on their girlfriends with me I always just take off my pants and start singing Afroman.
--Mulberry St
Chick to friends: Seriously, it's a full-on dating service for married people. (pause) Like, adulterers.
--Broadway & Avenue of the Americas
Overheard by: Chuckles
Guy to another: Have you been cheating a lot? Does she know you're gay?
--6 Train
Hobo: So would all unhappily married women please step forward? I know there are some unhappily married women out there, and I'm willing to satisfy your needs. (pause) I know you're out there!
--Times Square
Overheard by: John
Wednesday One-Liners Are Next to Godliness
Preppy girl to friend: Do you ever shower and shower and still not feel clean?
--Broadway b/w 112th & 113th
Overheard by: Ladle
Young thug to two women: Yo, you make me wanna take a shower.
--Penn Station
Large bald guy with shopping bag with laundry detergent in it: I got this bag at Foot Locker. Know what I am going to do with it? I am going to put laundry detergent in it. Isn't that a good idea?
--1 Train
Overheard by: Nathan
20-something guy to another: Dude, there's no way I'm tossing a salad unless I know--with absolute fucking certainty--its been freshly washed.
--Washington Square
Young woman on cell: And then he physically got in the shower with me...again!
--Spring St & Crosby St
Wednesdays Will Let Go Of the One-Liners When They're Damn Good and Ready
Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the doors are closing, don't throw yourselves at them.
--Uptown 6 Train
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, use all train doors. This is not a high school cafeteria line. Use all doors!
--C Train
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please. Folks, I am not kidding, stand clear of the closing doors. Unless you like that whole cut-in-half look, then go right ahead and stand in the way.
--Uptown A Train
Overheard by: queen
Conductor: We are not auditioning for any amateur doormen today. Please let go of the closing doors.
--1 Train
Overheard by: RG
Door controller: Ladies and gentlemen, if you keep the doors open we will be here till Christmas. So don't do it.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Vedant
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen in the first car, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Excuse me, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not let the doors close, I will bite you. (doors close)
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: amused passenger
Wednesday One-Liners Think "Speed Dating" Requires Meth
Jewish girl: She signs up for JDate, goes out to dinner, and is engaged in four months. I sign up for JDate, and I go out to dinner with a duck. What the hell!
--Astoria
Suit on cell: That's what you get when you start dating at age 18 while volunteering in a Croatian refugee camp.
--M66 Bus
Female 30-something suit: Why would you think I don't have taste in men just because I'd do a guy with a hook, or a guy in a wheelchair?
--31st & Crescent, Astoria
Loud woman on cell: It's called "communication," Larry! Communication! You are such an idiot!
--3rd Ave b/w 40th & 41st
Overheard by: Tom
College guy to friend: I don't understand it, man. Every time I go out with this girl, like her vagina is showing.
--8th St & University
Man on cell: 26 years? Damn! After 26 days, I'd be all like, "bitch, I love you and all, but the next word that comes outta yo mouth, I'm gonna have to bash yo head in with a frying pan. I'm sicka hearin' the sound of yo voice!" No, of course I don' mean that, baby.
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Riot
Like Snowflakes, No Two Wednesday One-Liners Are Identical
Loud chick to male companion: And she sings when she orgasms! Like, "a-a-a-a-aaaah!" and "e-e-e-e-eeeeeee!"
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Ladle
Man outside Starbucks: Dude! I gave Sharon an orgasm over the phone last night. (laughs)
--Starbucks, 14th St
Overheard by: Elizabel
Subway musician: Y'all better be good 'cause Santa Claus only comes once a year. But that's between him and Mrs. Claus.
--W 4th St Subway Platform
Young man on cell: It looks like a 42-inch orgasm.
--Posman Books, Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: ant
Hot chick to another: You're like the Mother Teresa of orgasms!
--1020 Bar, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chuck Bass
Do I Hear the Pitter Patter Of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners?
Sassy lady on cell: I tell you, he got the wrong bitch pregnant!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Stunned!
Girl: Ugh, pregnancy would be like, so much worse than gonorrhea.
--John Jay Dining Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: jane
AT&T employee: Yeah, when I had my daughter I actually didn't have to stay overnight in the hospital. See, usually, after you have the baby, you have to pass the placenta. The doctor actually reached up inside me and just pulled it out, just like that. He told me I was fine to go home after that, so I did.
--AT&T Store, Union Square
20-something on cell: But I refused to go down on him...I told him I'm not ready to have a baby. (pause) Of course you can get pregnant by swallowing! Hello? Did you not take sex-ed in high school?
--61st St & Lexington Ave
Woman on cell: It's such a small opening, and it gets torn apart when you have a kid!
--42nd St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Weekender
20-something on cell: But I'm tired of always being pregnant.
--East Village
Overheard by: also tired
You've Read the Autobiography Everybody Hates Christ, Right?
Guy #1: It's a great book; this guy is like my second favorite author...you know, after Jesus.
Guy #2: Totally man, totally.
--Atlantic Ave Subway station
Overheard by: Ali
You Could Floss with These Babies
Guy: One day I'm just going to leave a pube in your bed.
Girl: What if I think it's mine?
Guy: Ewww!
Girl: What? I bet my pubes are cleaner than yours.
Guy: What are you talking about? My pubes are squeaky clean!
--Third North Dorms, NYU
I Have a Whole Website Devoted to Just Your Hair
Woman trying to drag man into a store: Please, please, please. I'll let you ridicule me in front of society.
Guy: Please, I do that shit already.
--23rd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Glad he's not mine
Since He Moved in with His Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air
Girl #1: And she was like, "Come to Philly!"
Girl #2: Ugh! Nobody goes to Philly. Not even Will Smith goes to Philly.
--Jenny Lewis Show, The Apollo Theater
Overheard by: Mindy
What Dubya Said at His First Inauguration Ceremony
Ditzy chick: I'm not telling him that I love him because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment.
Flamboyant boy: Sometimes you have to take risks, or else you will never get "appointed". (laughs)
Ditzy chick: Ha ha ha. "Appointed" isn't even a word.
--57th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Titiful
Yeah, You Know Me
Hoochie #1: What the fuck comes first, "o" or "p"?
Hoochie #2: Um... (pause) "o"?
--1 Train
Overheard by: EthanK
But I Thought Girls Just Wanna Have Fungus?
Asian guy eating double bacon cheeseburger: So, I'm seriously thinking about going vegetarian. I just don't want to eat meat anymore.
Asian girl: Yeah, I know what you mean, I don't like mushrooms either.
--Lunch Spot, 39th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Mia Wallace
My College Years, in a Nutshell
Guy, seeing woman: Maya?
Maya: Hey! What are you doing here?
Guy: I don't know, I'm still drunk!
--E 92nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Sarah
Why He Got Fired from That Tour-Guide Job at the Holocaust Museum
Girl: Well, I had to explain the plot of The Diary of Anne Frank to him.
Guy: What plot? It's a game of hide and seek, the Jews are really bad at it, the Nazis are really good. The end.
--Starbucks, Waverly & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Lotte
This Sounded Much More Poetic in the Beatles' Song
Man, pleading: But, honey...I love you.
Woman, cold as ice: I love you, too...yesterday.
--FAO Schwarz
If Will and Grace Had Been a Cable Show
Guy: So did you ever hear back from that guy who stood you up last week?
Girl: Yeah, actually he got stuck with his kids.
Guy: Kids? He's married?
Girl: Divorced, actually.
Guy: Wow, what a looser...I bet he has herpes.
Girl: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he really stood me up because he was fucking you in the ass and got herpes.
--Figarro's Restaurant
Isn't That an Old Irish Pub Song?
Dude: Don't take your drink in the bathroom with you, that's gross.
Chick: Well, I'm not going to pee in it, I'm going to drink it while I pee!
--Blind Tiger Ale House, Bleecker Street
Before You and Snow White Start Trying to Remember All Seven Dwarfs
Teen #1: Where is Flushing-Main Street?
Teen #2: In the Bronx.
Teen #1: What's the Bronx?
Teen #2: It's one of the five boroughs. You know: Manhattan, the Bronx, Staten Island, Long Island...and some other one.
Suit: Oh god, I'm out of here.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Ashamed to be from the
That's Why I Only Date Homeless Nymphos Who Don't Eat
Merrill Lynch yuppie: I paid my girlfriend's rent! And her food! And I only get to have sex with her once a month! And it's been like this for my past two relationships! I think I can handle having sex five times a month...
Girl: That's too much!
Merrill Lynch yuppie: I make $1.5 million a year in Merrill Lynch!
--Tre Restaurant
Overheard by: D
I Love Unitarian Services!
Suit #1: Yeah, there were three Korean chicks making out. And I was making out with two other dudes!
Suits #2 & #3: Nice!
--Outside Bar, East Village
Field Trip?
Student #1: I ate a whole bag of Kit Kats last night.
Student #2: I wonder how that bathroom smells.
--11th Grade English Classroom, Bushwick, Brooklyn
Overheard by: The Teacher
I Was So Glad She Finished That Knock-Knock Joke in Her Last Breath
Girl: So did you hear that mom died?
Boy: Hahahaha, yeah.
--1st Ave & 11th St
We Just Print 'Em, Folks
Black woman in line for bus: I was in line first! This isn't fair! I was here before any of you!
Suit: Relax, Rosa Parks, you'll get on the bus.
--86th & Lexington
But I'm Totally Out Of Pore-Minimizer
Kid, running up to friend: I'm in so much shit!
Friend: Why? Is Johnny going to punch you in the balls again?
Kid: No.
--NYU
Here's Ray-J to Explain
Rapper dude: That's Rugged N Raw.
Girl outside: Ew! I don't watch porn!
Rapper dude: No, Rugged N Raw. He's an emcee.
Girl outside: What's the difference?
--The Pyramid Night Club
Maybe We Should Start Branding Our Conquests?
Dude #1: You're so slutty!
Dude #2: We're both so slutty...
Dude #1: Heh, I know...if these balls could talk...
Dude #2: It's gotten to the point where, if I'm about to do it with a guy, I drop your name, just to be sure.
--55th & 9th
No, No, No - You're Mistaking "Baby Daddy" For "Father"
Young man: I wanna be a be a baby daddy!
Young woman: I feel like that would be an expensive hobby...
--Magnolia Bakery, West Village
Headline by: Deadbeat Dad
Runners-Up:
· "...Why I Chose Gold-Digging" - Fresca
· "Actually, the Government Pays For It" - Vasyl
· "Ask Flava Flav" - Emily Leonard
· "I'll Be Following K-Fed's "How to Be a Baby Daddy When You're Broke As Hell" Program" - Meg
· "It's Only Expensive If You Give a Shit..." - Amber
· "No Way, There's Going to Be a Stimulus Plan For That Too!" - Derek
· "OK, Lemme Try This Another Way: I Wanna Fuck You." - Sim Etrias
· "Who Said Anything About Financial Support?" - Keith the Geek
· "Yachting Is an Expensive Hobby; Baby Daddying Can Be Done on the Cheap!" - Drew
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Extra Points for the Parker Posey Lip Curl, Anyway
Flyer guy: Hey, wanna see a comedy show? (two snotty girls ignore him) Hey, you like to laugh?
Snotty girls: No!
Flyer guy: Ah, you're miserable. Heading back to Staten Island?
--Times Square
Everyone's a Fucking Critic!
Man singing in soulful, beautiful voice: Uptown, nigggah! Uptown niggaaah! Uptown nigga. Uptown niggggah!
Man on other side of the subway, moments later: We going downtown, nigggah!
--F Train
Overheard by: Jay Bee
The One Who Never Fought for His Country
Four-year-old girl: Daddy, why is it called Washington Square Park?
Father: It was named after George Washington.
Four-year-old girl: Wait...but I thought he was bad!
Father: No, that's George Bush.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Emilia
Because People Who Are Good at Math Are Always the Slowest to Catch On
Student #1: How could you throw a ball 520 meters? That's like half a mile!
Student #2 (from back of room): You know what else is half a mile?
(students all laugh)
Teacher: What? How come everyone got it except for me?
--Bronx HS of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
His Leash Is Plaid.
Really loud guy: That guy is so her bitch!
Friend: How do you know?
Really loud guy: He's wearing plaid.
--Central Park
What Happens When You Give Your Kid a Book About the Digestive System
Mom, handing toddler a treat: Now what do you say?
Son: Poopy!
--1 Train
Is That... Cilantro?
Cafe staff: Excuse me, are these yours? (holds up jogging shorts)
Man at computer: No, but I do like smelling used shorts.
--Snice Cafe, 8th Ave & Jane St
Overheard by: T. Castillo
Get That Triumph-of-the-Human-Spirit Taste Out Of My Mouth
20-something guy: I saw Wall-E this weekend. (pause) Then I saw Wanted to balance it out.
--Deutsche Bank Elevator
Overheard by: Katerina S,
Anyone Else Wish He'd Just Smoke the Crack Already?
Baseball fan #1: Oh, I'm going to get laid tonight.
Baseball fan #2: Are you going to call Alice?
Baseball fan #1: Oh no, you don't understand my life, man! I've got this girl who just sits on a milk crate and sucks my cock!
Baseball fan #2: Dude!
Baseball fan #2: Where does she do this? On a crate? What?
Baseball fan #1: You don't understand my life, man! She just does it wherever! I'm literally ready to smoke crack at any minute!
Baseball fan #2: Man, we don't want to know.
Baseball fan #1: I'm ready to smoke crack at any minute! You just can't control these things.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: simon
You Know the Law, Ashley
13-year-old girl #1: Oh my god, you totally weren't paying attention to my shoes!
13-year-old girl #2: It's because my cousin is not in town!
--Bus, Coney Island
Overheard by: Brainy
I Hear Yellow Jumpsuits Are Making a Comeback!
Hipster chick #1: I always loved that one reporter girl. What was her name?
Hipster chick #2: April, April O'Neil.
Hipster chick #1: Oh my god! Thank you!
--F Train
Overheard by: Master Splinter
But I Only Crawl.
Girl #1: Do you walk on that side or this side?
Girl #2: Ewwww! I never walk on that side. That side is whack and for ugly people.
Girl #1, laughing: Yeah. I live on that side.
--1 Bus
Letterman: "Hey, I'm Having a Better Season Than You."
David Letterman recruiter: Late show with David Letterman! Free tickets to David Letterman!
New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain: Letterman sucks!
--Time Square
Your Heteronormativity Stings, Dude!
Thug in truck to guy kissing his girlfriend: Oh, get a room dude!
Guy kissing his girlfriend: Get a girl!
--82nd St
Once, in the Hot Tub at the Playboy Mansion
Girl #1: So I guess oily skin isn't a bad thing.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: It makes you look young.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Have you ever seen a 75-year-old with a shiny face??
--M16 Bus
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