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And Now This Greek Chorus Follows Me Everywhere, Prophesying Doom
Bro #1: Well, did you know she was your cousin before you had sex with her?
Bro #2 (obviously upset): No!
--Fordham University
Probably a Little Cause and Effect Going on There
Girl #1: I didn't know your grandmother had cancer.
Girl #2: Of course she had cancer! Why else would she have only one boob?
Girl #1: Is this the mean one or the fat one?
Girl #2: The mean one.
--Kimmel Center Elevator, NYU
Baloo Was So Wearing the Pants in That Relationship
Black-haired girl: Have you ever noticed how Disney characters hardly ever have mothers?
Blonde girl: Yeah, word! Nemo, Cinderella...
Black-haired girl: Jasmine, Belle, Mowgli from The Jungle Book...but then again he didn't have pants either, so I don't think he matters.
--New School, 13th & 2nd
Shows What You Know-- Mold Doesn't Grow in High-Traffic Areas
Girl to friend: Ew, it smells like mold in here!
Random queer: Well, maybe you should close your legs.
--1 Train
At Least Barbra Streisand Sends Hired Goons to Threaten Me
Gay guy #1: Madonna's a bitch. She never returns my calls.
Gay guy #2: Wow, what a bitch.
--Central Park
My Penis Is the Pipe Cleaner Of the Soul
Guy: All guys from Queens are douchebags...except for me. I mean, I do clean out vaginas, but not in a douchebag way.
Friend: In a fallacial way.
--NYU Palladium
Is This Political Science, Sir?
Physics teacher: So the formula for work is w = fd, or force times displacement.
Student #1: How are we supposed to remember that?
Student #2: "Fd"--"first dog"! Like Obama!
Student #3: W = fd, White House's first dog!
--Stuyvesant High School
It's Sad When Hobo Performance Art Is Better Than Broadway
Guy #1: Wow, [title of show] was awesome. I thought it was super inspirational.
Guy #2: Yeah, the girl-on-girl action was pretty sweet.
Guy #1: And they even had four chairs and a keyboard. How much better does it get?
--Times Square
Overheard by: WonderWoman
Cell Service Is Lousy in Heaven, but Great in Hell
Bimbette: Yeah, I never really heard from him since his funeral.
Friend: Did you say his funeral?
Bimbette: Yeah, it was sooo sad.
Friend: His funeral?
Bimbette: Sheesh, bitch, get a hearing aid!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Joel Moore
Before We Rejoin the Pod
Girl #1: How's this look? Does it make me look fat? Like super obese fat?
Girl #2: You are fat. So, uhhh...yeah, sorta.
Girl #1: Let's get some cupcakes.
--92nd & 3rd
Just Like in the Wii Simulation!
Young daughter: Daddy, daddy! What's that?
Father: Umm...that's just grass, sweetie.
Young daughter: It's pretty!
--Brooklyn Botanic Garden
I Might Have to Take Some Action If I Knew
Mother, after mayor Bloomberg goes by: Was that Rudy?
Daughter: Giuliani? You really don't know what Rudy Giuliani looks like?
Mother: No.
Daughter: This is almost as bad as the time you said you don't know what Darfur is.
Mother: I still don't.
--Columbus Day Parade
And Was That Before or After They Turned Into Swans?
Girl #1: My dad voted for Bush twice.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: He's an old school Republican.
Girl #2: Wait, when did the Republicans turn into Democrats? After Roosevelt?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: bunny
College Girls Give Love a Bad Name
College girl #1: If I get shot, I love you.
College girl #2 (cheerily): Okay, I love you too!
--187th & Hoffman
All Of Me Except My Maverick Vagina
Drunk guy: You were mingling...and stuff!
Drunk girl: Nah, baby. I was mingling with you.
--11th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: HALLOWEEN
Instead Of a Sweatshop in Brooklyn!
Student #1: Yo, who cares about the surrender at Yorktown?
Student #2: Actually, that's mad important.
Student #1: Oh, really?
Teacher: Well, if the British hadn't surrendered we'd all (in a British accent) talk like this and sound ridiculous.
Student #1: Um, no, if that had happened I'd probably be in Pakistan, in my village, farming.
Student #2: You'd be dead because the British had control of Pakistan too.
Student #1: And you'd be working a factory in China!
--Stuyvesant High School
Except I'd Never Panhandle in a Neighborhood As Dead As Tribeca
Hobo: Listen, man, I'm homeless. Now, I'm not askin' for money or nothin', but...
Extremely well-dressed young man: Hey, me too!
Hobo: What?
Extremely well-dressed young man: Yep! Just moved here from Boston, couch surfing in Tribeca! I feel ya, buddy. God bless!
--42nd & 8th
Every Hollywood Producer's Courtship, in a Nutshell
Drunk thug: Hard or soft?
Tired woman at bus stop: Huh?
Drunk thug: How you gonna fuck me? Hard or soft?
Tired woman: (stares hard at him)
Drunk thug: Just wait til I buy you something.
--Myrtle Ave & Carlton
You're on Park Avenue, Motherfucker!
Guy walking St. Bernard: Watch where you swing that fucking cigarette!
Young hipster: Upscale yuppie!
Guy: You say that like it's a bad thing.
--18th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Class Warmonger
But They're the Hottest Accessory This Season!
Preppy gay guy #1: They are so nasty and full of diseases.
Preppy gay guy #2: What, the pigeons?
Preppy gay guy #1: No, the children.
--Central Park
Well, She's Not Really Sure After That Incident with the Donkey...
Ghetto girl #1: I went over there, and she's pregnant.
Ghetto girl #2, gasping: Pregnant with a *baby*?
--Q30 Bus
Overheard by: Cori
Headline by: missquirk
Runners-Up:
· "'Cuz If It's an Alien Again, I'm Skipping the Shower" - 1310 (formerly SNA)
· "Depends on Whether You Ask Pro-Lifers or Pro-Choicers" - Ryan
· "I Better Go Back and Check" - Mike
· "Judging by the Bleeding Statues and Pentagrams, No" - The Least Funny Demon
· "Never Take a Roofie at the Zoo" - Nick Pollotta
· "No, Just Shoplifting Again" - Skug Skellum
· "No.........She Just Likes to Pause a Lot" - clair
· "Rosemary's Friends Saw It Coming" - asdfghjkl;
· "She Was Drunk. The Dog *Looked* Like a Dude" - Jim
· "Someone's Seen Alien a Few Too Many Times..." - Kei
· "Well It's Either That or the Spawn Of Satan..." - J
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Revelations Is Silent on the Matter
Teacher: What's used to cover a beast?
Student: Underwear?
--Francis Lewis High School
Overheard by: Thank God I'm Not The Beast.
Have You Never Seen a Horror Movie?
Black 15-year-old kid: What you doing on Halloween?
White 15-year-old kid: Gettin' laid.
Black 15-year-old kid: What the fuck? Gettin' laid on Halloween? That's some bullshit. That's some bullshit!
--Gym Locker Room, Bayside, New York
Overheard by: tbomb
When He Urinated in His Pants, I Applauded and Asked for an Encore.
Young girl: I saw the funniest bum the other day. He was doing this little dance, it went like this. (mimics dance)
Friend (laughing): Yeah? Well, was he dressed up?
Young girl: Yeah, like a bum.
--50th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are Pelving Thrusting in Your Direction
Woman to friend: I woke up, and he was fucking my ear! Fucking my ear! Fuck. Ing. My. Ear!
--Walker & Canal
Overheard by: office peon
Girl on cell: So yeah, he just kinda turned to her, handed her some napkins and told her to prepare herself for a good fingering.
--New Jersey Transit
Girl in school hallway: Nasty little tenth graders having sex in the stairwells...
--Bard High School Early College
Guy to another: There's only three things people need in this world. Sex. Food. (pause) Yeah, okay, that's it.
--125th & Lexington
Student #1: (makes elaborate point with with ample hand gesticulation)
Student #2: Oh wow. You just made love to me with words.
--113th & Broadway
Crazy lady: Santa ain't comin' to Brooklyn! And I'll be drunk tomorrow, don't you ring my bell! (gets off train and leaves bag. 20-something guy gives it to her) Have we had sex before!? We should have sex! I like you! (doors start closing) We should really have sex!
--C Train
The United Colors Of Wednesday One-Liners
Yuppie to French friend: That's the first thing you learn in husband school. Unless you really like doing the laundry, the first time you do it turn everything pink. The second time, turn everything pink.
--Metro-North Line
Overheard by: 2,563 times later my dad still turns everything pink
Teen girl: I love the color brown an' shit.
--86th St & 4th Ave, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Jon A.
Suit to another: Oh, Charlie, don't you know not to wear green on Thursdays?
--Flatiron Building
Stoned guy: Whoa, it's the roygbiv, like, having a threesome.
--Dream House, Tribeca
Brunette: I saw a mess of pink and black on the floor, and I knew it was Michelle.
--Jake's Dilemma Bar
Overheard by: TCS
Wednesday One-Liners Are Only Human, People!
Conductor: This is Beverly Road, the next stop will be Beverly Road. Stand clear of the doors.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Robert
Conductor: This is the last stop on this train, everyone needs to exit the train. (all passengers go out) My bad, this is not the last stop on this train, everyone get back on the train.
--6 Train
Conductor, as train approaches 42nd Street: This is 34th Street, transfer is available to the a and e trains, connection available to Amtrak, New Jersey Transit, and Long Island Railroad. Next stop, 34th Street, Penn Station.
--Uptown C Train
Overheard by: Dara
Conductor: This is Franklin Avenue, the next stop is...I don't know what the next stop is.
--4 Train
Conductor of crowded train: Please do not step onto the train, it is too crowded. There is another 1 train right behind us. Please wait for that one. (doors close) Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 1 train behind us.
--1 train
Wednesday Pleads Down to One-Liners
Thuggish Asian watching Cops in store window: Yo, the one without the shirt is always guilty.
--College Point
Teen girl on cell: I tried biting some people, I got arrested.
--R Train
Overheard by: Jon
Very loud and drunk crackhead to friend: I don't care who you are. Everybody goes to jail some time.
--Hoyt & Warren, Brooklyn
Pharmacist on phone: Oh my, is she okay? (pause) That's when you got arrested on the plane?
(pause) At Fort Dix!?
--Drugstore, 6th Ave
Overheard by: Transit161
Friend to another, yelling across street: Good luck with your rape case...I know it wasn't you!
--Centre & Grand
Overheard by: jzjmrdangerdowntown
Small boy, singing to himself: Goodbye, everybody say goodbye... To Chris Brown...'cuz he smacked a woman and he's going to jail.
--Barnard College
Wednesday One-Liners Star in Dude, Where's My Brother?
Black man handing out leaflets: Your feet are like chicken nuggets, and I want to eat them!
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex Bailey
Father to toddler: Well, what if I go crazy and bite your butt off?
--M&M World Store
Hispanic man to friends: Yo, man--I eat that pussy from *behind*!
--61st & 3rd
NYU guy: No, I don't condone cannibalism. Though I could see why you think I would.
--NYU Elevator
Overheard by: queenofscots
What's Eating Wednesday One-Liners?
NYU guy on cell: Hey dude, I just wanted you to know that I left my burrito in your fridge. Yeah, I'll come around next Tuesday to pick it up.
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Julium
Rotund old woman at lesbian hipster cafe: Give me a sesame bagel, pound it down till it's flat, then toast it till it has a nice rich brown coating. And please, a coffee with cream. Make it a nice tan color.
--Paradise Cafe, 8th & 17th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Middle aged dad, yelling while crossing street with sons: I will learn to make Pad Thai!
--Union Square
Girl on phone: But seriously, you give me good food, and there's a pretty good chance I'll have a thing for you.
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: molly
Man: You know, when I was 25 all I thought about was spending the night at the Playboy mansion. And now I'm 35, and all I really want to do is eat barbecue.
--Hill Country BBQ
Overheard by: I'm just here for the ribs.
Let's Chip in and Get Wednesday One-Liners a GPS for Christmas
Confused American: I used to think Atlantic City was in Atlantic State.
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: MBS
Drunk guy: I don't understand why people are giving Sarah Palin so much grief over that Russia thing. It really *is* pretty close to Alaska.
--W 66th St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Anti-McCain dude to another: Man, Sarah Palin is crazy. Yo, she's just crazy. Why did John McCain even pick her? She's not even an American citizen, she's Alaskan!
--The Bronx
Nervous white lady: Um, is the Broadway/Lafayette stop coming up soon?
--Uptown 1 Train
UPS guy to lost tourists: I'm not a GPS! I'm the UPS!
--Prince & Lafayette
Overheard by: dee
The Passion Of the Wednesday One-Liner
Art humanities professor: As you may have learned from the bible or emo music, Jesus was crucified.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Molly Moo
Suit to another: Wow, there used to be a forest on your head. You look like an Irish Jesus.
--Office Building, 8th Ave
Overheard by: sitting in my cube with my ears wide open
Chick in miniskirt and fishnets: Fuck, it's cold! Jesus forgot to pay his heating bill!
--St. Mark's Place & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Amber Star
Man to friend as they cross an intersection: Jesus Christ used to walk everywhere, so why can't we? You know whah-I'm-sayin'?
--Midtown
Overheard by: Ferna
Screaming fan girl, watching Robert Patterson sparkling shirtless in the sunlight: He's Jesus!
--14th St Regal Cinemas
Overheard by: laughing despite herself
Asian chick: Does he praise Jesus? Does he drink Scotch?
--Dallas BBQ, Chelsea
Overheard by: Shringle
Little Wednesday One-Liners, Big World
Woman to another: So he had this four foot midget, and he was wearing an Obama mask.
--50th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: jellybean
Stoned hipster: I'm short, right? So, like, I feel so close to the ground right now.
--3rd Ave & 11th
Waiter sticking head out of restaurant, to short bald guy: Hey! Are you a little bit of luck?
--35th & 10th
Guy selling comedy show tickets: Yeah! It's a comedy show! Yes, we've got drunken midgets and everything. No, you can talk to me, I'm not trying to sell you drugs!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Avigdor from Jericho
Frat guy to buddies: Is that the place with the midgets under the bar that take care of you while you drink?
--H&M, Broadway-SoHo
Wednesday One-Liners Want to Be a Part Of It
Suit: That's why I can't help but love New York. New York is like the sick uncle that touches you when no ones around.
--Grand Central Terminal
Girl, after passing a tourist bumping into her: In New York we say "excuse me!"
--Macy's, Herald Square
Overheard by: The City Planner
Guy to friend: Are we in the inner city or just the city?
--1st Ave & 6th St
Dude walking out of Penn station: You know what's great about going out in New York City? You can get completely bombed and it's no big deal, because you'll probably never see those people again, you know?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: BPV
Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like "shitter."
--96th & Columbus Ave
Wednesday One-Eyed-Trouser-Snake-Liners
Middle aged woman on cell: You will never see your penis again! No more penis! Is that punishment enough for you?
--82nd & Columbus Ave
Black man to friend: None of them jeans fit, cuz my cock is just too huge, nigga!
--Steve & Barrys, Mariners Harbor Staten Island
Overheard by: Samantha
Sister to brother leaning on her crossed leg: Excuse me, I feel like your pee-pee is resting on my foot.
--7 Train
Latina to friend: He did everything short of taking out his penis and smacking him with it!
--Jerome Ave, the Bronx
Chick: Man, I just feel like there are a lot of penises and penis information in my life lately.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Meister E.
Middle aged man on cell: But does she know about King Dong, the penis pump?
--Stuyvesant St, Manhattan
Wednesday One-Liners for Vanessa Hudgens
Girl on phone: Well then, riddle me this, smart guy: why'd I wake up naked?
--Smith & Sackett, Cobble Hill
Overheard by: Swimfan
Girl: Oh my god! I can't wait to see them naked!
--Elevator, Times Square Arts Center
Overheard by: Natalie
Museum worker: And then I woke up buck naked in a hotel, and there were pictures of me all over the room.
--Museum of Art and Design
Guy: No, I will not do it in here again. Just because I'm wearing nothing under my jacket, doesn't mean I'm going to flash a crowd of people in every store we enter. I've done it three times already. Get your rocks off some other way.
--Columbus Circle Mall Escalator
Overheard by: Martin
Drunk girl at NYU protest: I don't even know why I'm here, I just want to take off my clothes!
--NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: Lilo
Girl on train: Oh, hi! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
--A Train
Overheard by: Don't even wanna know
Girl on cell: So I'm gonna be naked, but that's okay, I'll be wearing rollerblades.
--N 4th & Bedford Ave
So Let's Go to the Supermarket and Kill Two Birds with One Stone
Little girl: Mom, can we go in the supermarket? I want honeycombs.
Mom: No.
Little girl: Mom!
Mom: Girl! You make wanna have a cigarette.
--Outside Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
Overheard by: Glenn T
I Cheered When His Heart Stopped Going On
Guy #1: I hate to say it, but the guy's a really good actor.
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: I wonder why I said "I hate to say it," though.
Both: Titanic.
--72nd & Columbus
I Think That "Not a Park" Sign Is Supposed to Be Ironic, Mom.
Mother: Okay. The museum is either over there (points across the street) or over there (points back into the park).
Daughter: I don't think the museum is in the park, mom.
Mother: Who says that's the park?
--Central Park
Overheard by: J-Rabs
Like the Time I Tried to Smoke My TV
Stoned vendor: That's a real marijuana leaf in there.
Random curious guy: No way!
Stoned vendor: Way! I grew it myself!
Random curious guy: So I can smoke the plate and shit?
Stoned vendor: Yeah, but you'll set your face on fire and go into a coma.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dwight K Shrute
My Deepest Condolences for the Death Of Your TiVo
British tourist to passing New Yorker: Excuse me, could you please tell me where...
New Yorker, walking briskly: Fuck off! I got problems of my own!
--E 77th & 2nd
Overheard by: D M A
...Depending Upon Whether or Not You Can Count Past "2"
Shop assistant: Would you like a $3 discount or $5 discount?
Aussie girl buying shoes: Well, that's a stupid question!
Shop assistant: No! That's not a stupid question!
--Shoe Store, 42nd St
Overheard by: ALINA
Greg's Been Acting So Macho Ever Since He Learned About Silent Consonants
Hip soul dude: You gonna push me, woman?
Hip soul chick: I'm not pushing you, baby.
Hip soul dude: That's right, you best not or I'll go off, remember--I'm the man who put "p" in "schizophrenic."
--Henry & Montgomery
Overheard by: Ziggy
Oops-- I'm Melting! I'm Meeeelllting!
Guido #1: I fucking hate New Jersey.
Guido #2: I won't even take a piss in New Jersey.
Guido #1: I won't even say "New Jersey"!
--Shea Stadium
Except Get Married, Obviously.
Gay manager: Ugh! They just keep on giving me more things to do.
Girl at counter: It's because you are gay!
Gay manager: Because I'm gay I get more responsibility.
Guy at counter: Blame the makeover shows. Make a few formerly hopeless fashion cases look good on tv and they think you can do anything.
--Retail Store, Union Square
Mom Scheduled an Emergency Wax Right Then and There
Little boy: It's a monkey!
Mom: It's bush.
--18th St & 5th Ave
I Knew It Was a Slippery Slope Once You Started Humping Dandelions
Student to another: Marcus, did I blow that tree?
Marcus: What?
--Pratt Institute
Where "Hurrying While a Northerner" Carries a Death Sentence, at Minimum.
Businessman behind group of tourists: These slow-moving tourists are fuckin' killing me.
Tourist: We'd better not catch your fast-moving New York ass in Beaumont, Texas!
--37th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: DodgersWill
Your Editors Are Trying Valiantly to Imagine a Nonsexual "It"
Manly boyfriend, excitedly: And then he pulled it down, and it was a monkey face! A monkey face, a monkey face, every time a monkey face!
Girlfriend: Wow! Oh my god, wow!
--9th & University
Overheard by: Kristina Lustig
What About Hamburger Helper, Smart Guy?
Old man #1: You've seen that guy at the deli. You see behind the counter? The guy's only wearing one glove. Now you can't do all your work with one hand, can you? The lord gave you two for a reason.
Old man #2: Only one man can do magic with one glove. That's Michael Jackson.
Old man #1: And his magic done run out.
--M10 Bus
Overheard by: Alexandra
What Vision Quests Are Like in New Jersey
Jersey skank #1: And I had to go to this bar, Big Sleazy, all by myself!
Jersey skank #2: Big Sleazy all by yourself?
--55th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Syddles
And I've Always Thought It Was Important to Have a Strong Sense Of Where I'm Going in Life
Girl #1: Yeah, we're engaged. He got me the ring and all, but I'm like, "it's going to be like ten years until we actually get married."
Girl #2: Oh, true.
Girl #1: I need to drop pre-calculus. It's too hard and it's going to lower my GPS.
--Uptown E Train
Overheard by: Nicole Yan
Reader Poll: Are These Comparable?
Black teen exiting train: Yo, you got a nice ass for a cracka.
White girl, after he's gone: Ugh, I wonder what he would have said if I were like "you got a nice face, for a negro."
--F Train
Overheard by: i wonder too
I Like to Think Of My Romantic Life As a Catch-and-Release Program for Closeted Men
Girl #1: So I texted everyone and told them he was gay, but no one believed me.
Girl #2: Of course he's gay. You used to date him.
--M-15 Bus
Overheard by: peter
I'd Prefer to Be Watching Making the Band III
British husband, looking into living room: Isn't this wonderful? So calm and serene. Very relaxing, don't you think,dear?
British wife: Oh, I don't know. It isn't very, you know, puffy...
--Frank Lloyd Wright House, American Wing, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Paul N.
Now Let's Get Slurpies!
Childish woman, after burping: I have burpies!
Older, grossed out woman: You said it, not me!
Childish woman: What?
Older, grossed out woman: You just told everyone you have herpes!
Childish woman: I don't have herpes! I have burpies!
--Q Train
Overheard by: Audrey
And Let Him Trim Your Bush
Girl #1: He's just like Edward Scissorhands.
Girl #2: Yeah, he's like, just so awkward. But he's so cute you just want to give him a hug.
--NYU Student Center
...That Drive Pink Convertables and Have the Genitalia of a Eunuch!
20-something girl: I don't believe in foundation makeup.
50-something woman: Really?
20-something girl: I used to wear it a long time ago, when I was younger, but it makes you look so fake, like a doll...which is stupid because we're people!
--Madison Square Park
Headline by: Skipper
Runners-Up:
· "...And That's When I Dropped Out Of Clown School." - Danny the Mullins
· "Barbie's Infiltration Plan Is Working" - Natalie
· "Besides, The Tips at the Carnival Were Totally Not Cutting It" - Dave
· "Britney Tries Her Hand at Philosophy" - Fresca P.
· "Excerpts from the Human Tissue-Silicone Ratio Debate" - ty
· "I Also Refuse Parachutes; I Ain't No Bird!" - Jeff
· "Max Factor Is...People!" - Chris
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Quick-- Push Me Down and Take My Wallet!
Girl #1, getting off the Newark express bus: It's so good to be home.
Girl #2, after walking away from crowd: Stop pretending that you live here!
Girl #1: But it's fun!
--41st & Broadway
Overheard by: really does live here
Reader Poll: Which Part Of That Last Statement Was More Disturbing?
20-something guy: His beard makes him look like Chuck Norris.
20-something girl: Who?
Bartender: Chuck Norris. He was Walker, Texas Ranger.
20-something guy: You don't know who Chuck Norris is?
20-something girl: I feel like we always talk about Chuck Norris and I have no idea who he is.
--3rd St & Berry, Williamsburg
Overheard by:
Every Episode Of Will and Grace, in a Nutshell.
Gay boy, after being interrupted mid-sentence: I am in the middle of a conversation! When you do that, you look like a rude bitch.
Rude bitch: I am!
--Marymount Manhattan College Cafeteria
Overheard by: Devnel
New York's Customer Service Has a Distinctive Flavor
Customer: Do you have flypaper?
Store clerk: Yeah. On the counter.
Customer: Does it work on moths?
Store clerk: It should.
Customer: What if it doesn't?
Store clerk: Then move.
--Hardware Store
Kirstie Alley's Kids Were Kind Of Enablers
Tiny six-year-old son: Why do I look so fat?
Mom: (looks puzzled)
Tiny six-year-old son, pointing at his reflection in elevator doors: Look at me, I look fat!
Mom, smiling, relieved: Oh! No, it's just that reflection is distorted, sweetie.
Tiny six-year-old son: Is that why you looked so fat in those pictures?
Mom (after pause): ...yes.
--Elevator, Lexington Ave
This Is Why You Don't Rob Banks with Family
Girl to mother: You're being really obvious, mom, and I don't need obvious right now.
--W 242nd St
As Long As I Got Free Wine Out Of It
Gay guy: You know, this one culture worships this cut-out in the grass of this man with a giant penis.
Girl: I'd worship that.
--6th & Waverly
Overheard by: I worship it, too
We Germans Have Never Lied About Anything
Sales rep: I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't have that specific style here. You could try Saks.
Affluent German woman: The lady at Saks told me to look here! (sniffling) Why does everyone lie to me?
--Bergdorf Goodman, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Blacknoise
Time to Cut Down on the German Porno, Dude
Girl, after getting foot run over by bike: Ow!
Man with bike: Sorry. (to friend) Look at her eyes, she's got blowjob eyes.
--L Train
Overheard by: Will
Plus the Label Says "Goach"
Cracked out gay guy: Girl, I like your coach purse, is it real?
Snotty Upper West Side girl: Yes, it's real.
Cracked out gay guy: Don't lie to me. I'm a fag...I can tell.
--2 Train
Overheard by: cougar
Or I'll Hit the Ejector Button
Son: Mommy, why does god make these benches so uncomfortable?
Mommy: So you don't fall asleep. Now stop talking.
--Christ and St. Stephen's Church, W 69th St
Overheard by: falling asleep anyway
Off the Wagon Carefully Selected Its Two Mascots
Drunk guy #1: God, I've missed the sweet taste of beer.
Drunk guy #2: Wait, what were drinking earlier today?
Drunk guy #1: Beer.
--Off the Wagon, MacDougal St
It's the Meg Ryan Of Express Trains
Announcement: How does it look in the front, Al?
Random passenger, yelling: Like shit.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: MD
Thinly-Veiled Racism Is Certainly the Way to My Heart
Guy to girl, seeing large group of black guys ahead: Uh...let's cross the street.
Girl: You're afraid!
Guy: No, it's just that if they wanted to give us trouble, I don't know if I could hold them off while you ran.
Girl: You're cute.
--123rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Playing it safe.
New Yorkers: "Stars?"
Random guy sitting at bar: I just wanted to let you know that your freckles are truly beautiful.
20-something girl: Uh...thanks.
Random guy sitting at bar: Ya, a girl without freckles is like a night without stars.
--Murray Hill Bar
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