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...Shall We Take It from the Top?
Delivery guy, singing: Tra-la! Tra-la! Tra-la!
Halal meat kiosk guy, singing: Tra-la!
Delivery guy: Tra-la!
Kiosk guy: Tra-la!
Delivery guy: Tra-la!
Kiosk guy: Tra-la!
Delivery guy: Tra-la!
Kiosk guy: Tra-la!
Delivery guy: Tra-la!
Kiosk guy: Tra-la!
--43rd St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Pleasantly surprised
Granted, With Oyster Cream Sauce
Girl #1: Your pussy smells like fish.
Girl #2: Your pussy smells like a light salmon.
Girl #1: Oh, yeah? Well, you're no more than a brook trout.
--110 & Amsterdam
Mice Have Always Been Fashion-Forward
Gay guy #1: Do you know that mice can survive longer without water than a camel?
Gay guy #2: That's gorgeous. I love it.
--East Village
But Miami's Warm-- Why Is Everyone There So Attractive?
Teen punk girl: You know, I don't get why people wear uggs. They're all like, "oh, they're warm, they're warm! I don't care if they're warm, they are not attractive!
Teen hipster friend: Yeah, I know, right?
Teen punk girl: There's many things that are warm, but that are not attractive. North Face ski coats are warm, are they attractive? No. Fat people must be warm, are they attractive? Fuck no!
--110th & Amsterdam
Same Reason You Aren't Homeschooling Him
Angry parent: So what you are telling me is you know nothing about how my son's face got bruised.
Teacher: No, ma'am. Like I said, it happened at recess. I am on my lunch during their recess.
Angry parent: So you weren't there? You didn't see nothing?
Teacher: I did not see anything. I was not there. I was on my lunch.
Angry parent: So you wasn't there? You is his teacher but you's not with him all day?
Teacher: No ma'am. If I were with these students all day, I would kill myself.
--Public School, Bronx
I'm Wearing a Police Uniform, Sir.
Thug: Good afternoon, kind public. Y'all want some stolen shit? I got that.
(passing girl laughs)
Friend of thug: Don't laugh at that, that shit ain't funny.
Girl: Oh, but it so is.
Thug: Hey, little lady, may I interest you in some fine ass stolen shit?
--33rd & 8th
For Instance, I Could Learn What "Audacity" Means
Preppy girl #1: Where's that Obama book?
Preppy girl #2: The Audacity of Hope?
Preppy girl #1: Yeah, that one.
Preppy girl #2: Why do you want that? It's not like you're gonna read it.
Preppy girl #1: I know, but I feel like if I did, I'd be a lot smarter, you know?
--Strands Book Store, Union Square
And Only the Stupid People Would Die!
Teen #1: Man, this world is too overpopulated!
Teen #2: You know, if we changed all the "walk" signs to "don't walk," and all the "don't walk" signs to "walk," the problem would be solved!
--14th St & Broadway
Overheard by: that could work
On the Plus Side, You Don't Have to Fight Any Wars in His Name
Beggar to two girls: Jesus loves you.
Girl #1: No, he doesn't.
Beggar: Yes, he does! Jesus loves everyone!
Girl #2: Yeah, okay.
Beggar: But he does, he loves you!
Girl #1: No, really, he doesn't. She's Jewish.
Beggar: Shit, I'm sorrrry.
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Madelyn
A Beautiful Story Of the Triumph Of the Human Spirit
Boy, locked in train bathroom: Mommy, I can't get out!
Mom, trying not to laugh: Sweetie, it's okay, you just need to undo the lock.
Boy: I can't breathe!
(car erupts into laughter, followed by applause once he makes it out)
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Gavin
We Could Bring Whole New Meaning to "Piss Drunk"
Frat boy: You know what I should get you for your birthday?
Girlfriend: What?
Frat boy: A funnel.
Girlfriend: A funnel?
Frat boy: Yeah, a funnel. So you can piss in a corner.
Girlfriend: I could also use it to funnel beer!
Frat boy: You'd have to wash it first.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
...as Is the Custom in Paris
Drunk guy on subway, trying to whisper: Um...for future reference, don't use that French accent next time we fuck.
Loud drunk girl, breaking into hysterical laughter: Ha! And then you're going to tell me not to fart on your balls!
--B Train
Overheard by: Glad I missed that party
Dad Sells a Lot Of Beans in Hong Kong
Stoner girl: After Thanksgiving break I realized that no one in my family ever knows what the fuck I am talking about.
Stoner guy: Yeah! Totally! Everything I said to my dad he'd be like "What?! What the hell does that have to do with the price of beans in Hong Kong?"
--Fordham University, Rose Hill Campus
According to the Nanny Who Raised Me, Anyway.
Girl #1: The Wiz is so much better than The Wizard of Oz!
Girl #2: That's 'cause there ain't no white people in it.
Girl #1: True...true.
--57th & 6th
Overheard by: Ross
There Go the Horseback Riding Lessons, I Guess.
Mom #1: She refuses to wear slacks! She'll only wear dresses and skirts. She told me, "mommy, girls don't like to have anything between their legs except their underpants."
Mom #2: Let's hope she feels that way til she's twenty.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Close!
Street corner punk #1: Where did she say she lives?
Street corner punk #2: Yonkers.
Street corner punk #1: Yonkers? There's no place called "Yonkers"! She was playin' you, man.
Street corner punk #2: Whatchoo talkin' about, man? Yonkers is a city!
Street corner punk #2: Yeah right. There's also a city called "my balls."
--Sutphin Blvd & 89th Ave, Jamaica
Overheard by: Big Larry
Like When Gandalf and Frodo Sailed Off to the Gray Havens
Ghetto hipster #1: I've never been to Queens!
Ghetto hipster #2: Queens is where like...retired cops from the Bronx go to retire and feel safe.
--L Train
Overheard by: anna
I Promise to Answer on the First Ring
Guido, shouting: Yo, who leaves a fuckin' business card in the shitter? Seriously!?
Man from across bathroom: You should call the number on the card, maybe they'll give you a blowjob.
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: Michael
Explains Why You Put International Postage on Everything Outside Of Manhattan
Secretary: What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
Nurse: My husband and I are going to North Carolina to visit his family. Why? What are you doing? Do you want to come with us?
Secretary: No. I can't. I don't have a passport.
Nurse: Uh.
--NYU Cancer Center
Overheard by: Destiny Traphofner
The Danger Of Marrying a Meat-and-Potatoes Guy
Woman #1: How many potatoes should I get? Like, three?
Woman #2, shrieking: Three? Three?! Are you serious? Have you seen your husband lately?
Woman #1, confused: Four?
Woman #1: He eats more than I eat in a year! He's huge! You'll need at least fifteen potatoes!
Woman #2: Yeah, I guess you're right.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Sarah
But I Told You I Didn't Want This Baby
Sales girl: Yo, I'm sorry I'm taking so long to close this register.
Supervisor: And I'm sorry I opened your register and it slammed you in the uterus.
--The Met
Jesus: Hey, We All Wore Sandals!
Man: Wait, who's the gay one again?
Friend: Jesus. Jesus is gay.
--110th & Broadway
To Be Fair, All Of Strawberry Shortcake's Bodily Emissions Smell Glorious
Older teen boy: Oh my god, yesterday after the party I had these farts that smelled odee.
Younger teen girl: Yeah, oh my god, was it that bad?
Older teen boy: I mean I was running away from my own farts.
Younger teen girl: Wow, it's weird cuz I love the way my farts smell!
(older teen boy walks away and crosses the street)
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: fart smeller
When Sleeping with the Boss Doesn't Even Guarantee Success, You Know the Apocalypse Is Near
Girl #1: Well, I guess they are going to lay off half of my hedge fund.
Girl #2: That's awful! What are you going to do?
Girl #1: Well, the job market totally sucks right now--I think I'm just going to sleep with the CEO. He's been flirting with me forever.
Girl #2: Well, you might as well just look on Craigslist--he's going to be broke in two months anyways.
--59th & Lexington
Ah, the Sounds Of the City...
Fundraising man: Donate just one penny, one penny can make a difference...
Woman passing by: Well then put yer own damn penny in it!
--5th & 57th
Overheard by: jen
What About the Old Cuban Lady We Have Rolling Cigars in the Basement?
Black guy #1: Yeah, Obama! The slaves are free!
Black guy #2: Uh, what?
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: walkin' whitey
You're So Unsupportive!
Guy #1 (reading newspaper): The fattest city in America: Virginia.
Guy #2: That's not a city.
Guy #1: Oh. I meant West Virginia.
Guy #2: That's still not a city.
--112th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: It's not?
College Boys, in a Nutshell.
Guy #1: Dude, I got icy hot on my penis and it hurt so bad that I had to wrap it in toilet paper.
Guy #2: Haha, it's a mummy penis!
--NYU Palladium
Overheard by: Zacharia
I Told Him It Was an Allergic Reaction to a Bee Sting
Big girl: Eww! I miss the days I went out with Eric.
Friend: Why? He was an asshole!
Big girl: He took me out so much, I swear I went to every cool spot in New York City.
Friend: Wait, so bascially he wined and dined you?
Big girl: Yep!
Friend: What the fuck, I thought fat girls didn't get wined and dined!
--Coffee Shop, Union Square
I'm Not Svelte Enough to Be Gay Right Now
Teen girl: Oh my god! Are you coming out of the closet?
Teen guy: Wait...what? I can't even fit into my closet.
--F train
Overheard by: ali
Your Dancing, Jumping, or Rapping, Maybe
Black guy: Wanna see what I'm famous for?
Tourist: No, I don't want to see your penis.
--Central Park Entrance
On the Plus Side, I Get Tons Of Days Off for All Sorts Of Random Holidays
Overly enthusiastic customer: So I heard that they are coming out with a 32 gb iPhone for Christmas. Like a red product thing for Christmas. Is that true?
Overly perky Apple employee: Well, sir, I wouldn't know because I'm Jewish and whenever they have Christmas meetings, they kick me out of the room.
--Apple Store SoHo, Prince & Greene St
Overheard by: are they allowed to say that?
You Already Did That Twice in the Club
Party girl, bending over to pet a dog tied to a mailbox: Hi, puppy!
Male friend: Don't do that, don't pet a strange dog.
Random black guy, barking: He gonna bite your hand!
Party girl: I'm going to bite your hand.
Random black guy: You bite my hand, I bite yo booty.
--Hudson & 10th
Overheard by: erkala
Bristol Palin's Abstinence-Based Pregnancy Filled a Good Six Months
Preppy girl: Oh my god! I swear, she's like the biggest prep I have ever seen in my entire life!
Man, sitting down: I got my share of irony for today.
--Q16 Bus
Headline by: EddieA
Runners-Up:
· "And I Didn't Have to Wait for the L or the J" - Elsie Norma
· "And I Haven't Even Been to Williamsburg Yet" - Kaitlen
· "Beats the Shit Out Of That Whole "Black Fly in Your Chardonnay" Thing" - mac
· "It's Because She's Blind, Right?" - tatts
· "Take THAT Alanis Morissette" - my meter's pegged
· "That Day Bob Realized He Didn't Need the Supplements After All" - subtleglow
· "Yeah, but She Had TWO Sweaters Over Her Shoulders" - Mary
· "You Need to Build Up Hipster-Level Tolerances to Handle Stuff Like This" - Jeff
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And I Ran Out Of Monkey Wax
Hip student #1: How's Libby?
Hip student #2: She's good. We're getting along really great. We eat dinner together every night. She's really smart and she's so pretty. The only problem is...
Hip student #1: The only problem is what?
Hip student #2: I think I might be allergic to her fur.
--Columbia Campus, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: some girl
Half Of the City Has That Excuse, Ma'am.
Hobo, opening door for ATM users: Hey, girl. Remember the homeless. Give money to the homeless.
Woman, leaving ATM and walking out the door: No. I just got fired.
--Citibank, 16th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Lindsay
At Which Point I Assume the Government Supplies You with a Personal Chef
NYU chick #1: What's the poverty level anyway?
NYU chick #2: I don't know, like $100,000 a year?
--NYU Dorm
Wednesday Doesn't Know a Single One-Liner Here Tonight
Girl to friend: This party is going to be awesome! Wait. We have to stop somewhere on the way...I gotta pee before I put out tonight.
--Montrose & Graham
Dude: Do you even know what an Animal Collective Listening Party means in the rest of the country?
--Animal Collective Album Listening Party, River Room, Harlem
Overheard by: care bear stare
Girl: I think it's okay if she parties, as long as it's with a bunch of Christians.
--West 4th b/w 6th & MacDougal
Girl to friend: There's this party in the East Village. It's called "Spit." I'll tell you next time I go. It's on Fridays. But my gawd, these guys are cokeheads. I ended up with ten of them in my apartment last week.
--8th & 18th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Chick on cell: Do parties *count* if there's nothing but necking and spanking and nipple-tweaking?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy: I know I'm gay, but the best part of my Bar Mitzvah was meeting the party planner.
--Barns & Noble, 8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Rijita
Take a Wednesday One-Liner. It'll Last Longer.
Woman to friend: Wait till I show you the pictures. He looked so good in the coffin...
--Gym, Westchester Ave
Thug to homies: Yo, we need to take a pic in case the world ends tomorrow.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Robert
Too-cool-for-school coworker: You don't know how to use your scanner?! Shhiiiit, fool! I can teach you that! I taught myself how to use Google Calendar today. I have a Master's in photography.
--NYU
Overheard by: mm
Man on cell: Hi! Oh my gosh, I just got some great pictures of a plane that crashed into the river!
--Hudson River Park
20-something girl on phone with friend: Will you grab my camera from the apartment for me before you come out tonight? (pause) Thanks, I need it to take pictures of my conquests.(pause) All men should fear us.
--Brooklyn
Those Who Can't Do, Wednesday One-Liner
Anthropology prof: Amish youth in Pennsylvania have the opportunity to go out and experience mainstream society for a period of time before deciding whether or not to leave Amish society. An overwhelming amount decide to return to Amish society. That really tells you something about the cohesiveness of this religious sect! (pause) Then again, maybe it's just because Philadelphia is the city they all go out into.
--Classroom, Fordham University
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
Professor: You still need to lubricate anything that's sliding in and out.
--The Cooper Union
NYU prof: I have an aunt who is 105, and she just keeps on living. I just want to tell her, "you don't need to live for-fucking-ever. Die already, you have no quality of life!
--NYU
Columbia professor (to teaching assistant): You know, I've been teaching this stuff so long, I almost believe it.
--Classroom, Columbia University
Professor: I hope that Freud reading gave you a rise. I didn't just say that.
--NYU
Overheard by: Yeah. It did.
Wednesday One-Liners Are Up Shit's Creek
Three-year-old boy, refusing to get in stroller: Shit! Shit! Shit, mommy! Shit!
--Chelsea Market
Overheard by: Sarah
Young boy, yelling after hearing Jesus freaks preach: What a bunch of shit that is!
--7th Ave & 33rd St
Overheard by: Colleen
Hobo drinking Red Bull: This is Red Bull shit!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: RevolutionSuzi
30-something lady on cell: I'm gonna be shitting my brains out later.
--Astoria
Seasoned-looking guy, watching hobo pee in the middle of a subway car: I ain't never seen that shit before. That shit is brand new!
--4 Train
Overheard by: i will be traumatized forever
Menacing black woman on phone: I'mma go home and shit on my girlfriend's China.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Penelope
If You've Got Wednesday One-Liners, Flaunt 'Em!
Hispanic girl on phone: I'm in the Heights, looking at clothes...of course they're slutty, that's all we wear.
--St Nicholas Ave b/w 181 & 182 St
Overheard by: Linda Rhodes
Friend to scantily clad girl adjusting extremely low-cut shirt: Why are you even wearing a shirt?
--NYU
Flamboyant black man: Girl, I can see yo' pussy, yo' pants are too tight!
--14th St
Blonde: I'm just going to put a thong and a mini skirt on him, and he'll entertain us.
--Broadway & 34th St, Astoria
Overheard by: Natalie
Freshman NYU student during welcome week: I can't wait to get some slutty clothes...so I can fit in.
--Outside NYU's Kimmel Center
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Real Steal
Street vendor, yelling: Anyone need coach purses? Anyone need stolen shit?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Sarah and Andrew
Black guy holding purses: Yo! Who wants to buy some stolen shit? I got some nice stolen shit over here.
--Times Square
Overheard by: A Little Too Intrigued
Man selling bootleg designer bags: Anyone want some stolen shit?
--45th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Claire
Yelling man peddling counterfeit purses: Get your stolen shit! Everyone needs some stolen shit! It's stolen in New York, so it still counts as being from New York!
--Time Square
Thug holding handbags: Who want some stolen shit? I'm not gonna lie in 2009. I got Dolce & Gabanna and Louis Vuitton. Who want some stolen shit?
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Count Anal
Girl on cell: I don't know what it is with me and virgins. I think I've collected like four virgin scalps.
--Q58 Bus
Overheard by: Tom
Cashier, screaming to friend cashier: But why do you have to tell everyone that he's the guy who popped my cherry?
--72nd & 1st
Overheard by: tomas
Ghetto girl: If you got finger-popped, you ain't no virgin.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Jake M
Teen boy on cell: Of course I don't have any kids! Girl, you know I'm pure--like water in Africa.
--Manhattan Ave & 123rd St.
Overheard by: CreativeBunny
Hispanic girl, loudly to a group of friends : I mean, I'm still a virgin and I have three STDs!
--Ave C
Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Could Marry Themselves
20-something, beating his chest and coughing: John, don't die...you're too young, you're too beautiful, the world needs you to stay alive!
--55th & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
Girl on phone: I just don't see why he doesn't want to do me.
--NYU
Lab assistant on phone: I mean, I love the way I look. And they way I talk...well, that's fine. But that laugh? Dear god.
--NYU Computer Lab
Overheard by: meli$$a
Man on cell: So that's it? You're genetically superior to her, case closed?
--5th Ave & 16th St
Overheard by: Prof. Creepyhugz
Tall black guy to shorter, buff black guy: It's not about your looks or the way you're built: you've got charisma, you've got something that draws people to you. I know because I've got it too.
--Planet Sushi, Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Suze V
Female student, walking in: Okay! The princess is back and she feels ten pounds lighter!
--Borough Manhattan Community College Computer Lab
Overheard by: Steve
Please Stand Behind the White Line While the Wednesday One-Liner Is in Motion
Bus driver, just before departing for Boston: Peace, love, and if no one's said it to you today, I love you.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Nina
Bus driver: Hello? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? If so, you're too close to the front. Move to the back of the bus, back of the bus...I'll be here til 2 in the morning, I have plenty of time.
--M86 Bus
Overheard by: urbanadventurer
MTA bus driver to woman with a kid: Excuse me, you have to pay for your kid to ride this train. See the line where your hand is? If he is shorter than that line, then he doesn't have to pay. But he is taller, and he has to pay. (woman and kid walk off bus, now he addresses passengers) But on a lighter note, happy New Year.
--M86 Train
Overheard by: Melissa
Bus driver of crowded bus: This is Madison avenue. Get off! I mean...watch your step.
--Bus, 86th St
Overheard by: Michael
Bus driver: This is the last stop, Queens Center. If you are going shopping today, I hope you find everything you are looking for. Also, please be nice to the salespeople. It's not easy dealing with people day after day. I should know, I'm a bus driver.
--Q88 Bus
Overheard by: Jenn
Baby, You Can Drive My Wednesday One-Liner
Teenage girl to friends: How many babies can you squish into an oversized Ferrari?
--W 77th & Central Park West
Overheard by: Teddy Nicholas
Bartender: Can you imagine living somewhere where you actually have to drive home after work?
--Vintage Restaurant, Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: GretaGarbo86
Dude eating lunch with friends: Man, I hate to say it, but I love driving drunk.
--Restaurant, Bleecker & Lafayette
Gay black man to another: First of all, that fender bender you had a block away from your house was not a car accident. My three-car-pile-up was a car accident!
--A Train
Six-year-old to mom: What? An actual person who drinks and drives and she's famous? She's been in movies and she drinks and drives?! What is happening to this world?
--13th St & 5th Ave
Random wannabe thug: Yo, we seen a NYPD car get hit by a harpoon!
--Montgoris Dining Hall, St. John's University
Overheard by: Craig
Scarlett Johansson's Wearing Wednesday One-Liners This Season
(Asian tourist walks onto subway with large panda-head shaped hat)
Random guy: Take off that silly ass hat!
--Uptown 1 Train
Guy: When I wear my other coat, I look like a yak.
--Mott St
Overheard by: robin
Thug to friend: I totally know fashion designers. I know who Hill-finger is.
--Thompson Street, SoHo
Drunk guy to orthodox Jew: Nice lid.
--Near Herald Square
Guy walking out of subway: Then she came in and told me to put the mask on.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Sarah
History teacher to class: Now, if you want a decent straw hat, do not make one.
--Millennium High School
Overheard by: Adriana
Wednesday One-Liners for "White Harlem"
Columbia freshman: Mwahaha...I love contextual references.
--Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: not studying...
Guy to friends: God, why doesn't Columbia have a freakin' umbrella over it?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: dripping wet
Columbia student to another: I didn't mean to get drunk last night, but I stopped by a liquor store on the way home.
--Columbia University
Columbia student to friend: Do you want to go frolic in Westside Market?
--110th & Broadway
Female Columbia student to male Columbia student, smacking him with foam covered bat: Sometimes I feel like we belong in a state school.
--Columbia Dorm
If It Were Up to Me, We Would've "Accidentally" Left Them Home Alone
Flight attendant: In case of an emergency, please place the oxygen mask on yourself first. You may then help your favorite child or the one with the most potential.
Well dressed father: Which one would that be?
Bored mother: Neither.
--JFK
Overheard by: Glad my kids weren't with me
Advil Commercials Are Getting Edgier Than Ever
Guy waiting for train: Yeah, my sister-in-law was hit by the f train.
Friend: What?
Guy: She was leaning out and...bam! It hit her in the back of the head! She had to get like 15 staples.
Friend: Is she okay?
Guy: Well, she had a headache.
--F Train
Overheard by: Denah
All Three Of Them.
Guy #1: Dude, what's with the hot water?
Guy #2 (with pierced nipples): My nipples like steaming hot water. That's how they roll.
--NYU Palladium
Overheard by: Zacharia
Anyone Else Wondering What Color Their Vomit Will Be?
Teen girl #1: I love our lunch. Cheez-Its, frosting, and water.
Teen girl #2: At least we didn't get soda.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, I feel fat.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: Jmo
Kids These Days Are Bred to Be Competitive
Bag lady: Spare some food...I'm hungry. Anything, even some water.
Seven-year-old girl to mother, after bag lady leaves: She's hungry. Why's she hungry? I'm hungry too!
--E Train
Overheard by: nk
Texas: 1 New York City: 2,930,987
Old lady to young man helping her carry heavy bags: What a nice gentleman! Thank you!
Young man: I am not from here. If you go to Texas, you would not have to carry bags anymore!
--Midtown
Overheard by: SH
Why Grandma and Her Ventilator Are Currently Sleeping on the Front Stoop
Six-year-old boy in voting booth with mother: Obama for president! Mommy, I want Obama to win!
Mother to son: You wouldn't be living under my roof if you didn't!
--Voting Booth, 22nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Casey Felago
Virgins in Utah Have Had the Clap
Guy #1: Bro, you're like a walking STD.
Guy #2: Dude, the clap doesn't count. Who hasn't had the clap?
--The Ginger Man
Overheard by: John
Or So I've Read in the Encyclopedia Entry on "Sex"
Student #1: Well, one reason that we see a lot of tongues in Japanese monster culture might be because of an inherent aversion to bodily fluids! Like I heard Japanese people take showers before and after sex.
Student #2: Plus, in Hentai there's always way more fluids in the sex scenes than there really should be.
Student #3: Besides, there's a lot of tongue use in sex.
Professor: Well, why do you suppose that is?
Student #3: Because you like, lick stuff! Jeez!
--East Asian Studies Class, Columbia University
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Thank Goodness There Are Drugs That Allow Us to Have These Experiences
Punk school girl: You know what would be really cool? If you took a shit, and then it started talking to you!
Hipster friend: Yeah! Imagine if it started talking in a different language! Like, "Nihao! Ching gong shit!"
--Morningside Park
Melissa? Iiiiiinteresting.
EMT #1, to vomiting wino: What's your name?
Wino: Dennis.
EMT #1: Dennis? Okay, Dennis, we're gonna...
Wino: (unintelligible muttering)
EMT #1: What?
Wino: (unintelligible muttering)
EMT #2: Well, what's your name when you're not drunk?
--Broadway & Astor Place
Overheard by: Rachel Silver
Nobody Quite Knows What to Make Of Transfatty
Tween thugette #1, at a cologne display: I'ma get this for him for Christmas, cause he a homo! He a hydrogenate!
Tween thugette #2: No, he ugly!
--Target, Atlantic Center
Overheard by: Ashley
The Who Boys?
Young black woman #1: So I had to go to concerts and promote other concerts.
Young black woman #2: What concerts?
Young black woman #1: People you never heard of. Brian Wilson. He used to be with The Beach Boys.
--A Train
That Red Ribbon on Her Collar Is Just Style
Woman #1 (after long phone conversation): Oh, I love that woman.
Woman #2: So no Aids?
Woman #1 (after pause): No, of course my cat doesn't have Aids, how could she have Aids?
Woman #2: No, of course she's just a stressed out cat!
--Mamouns
Let's Just Run Through Traffic and Hope for the Best
Subway announcement: Service changes will affect the "d" as in "Darby" line and "v" as in "victim" line.
Tourist mom to family: Honey, I don't think it's safe to take the subway, let's get out.
--Prince Street Subway Stop
...Since It's Already My "Status" on Facebook...
Student: Do you hate me, Mr Jones*?
Mr Jones*: I usually don't admit it, but in this case...
--Stuyvesant High School
Where Else Can He Order a Fuzzy Navel Without Fear Of Recrimination?
Gay man #1: Is he straight?
Gay man #2: Yeah. But he loves a good gay bar!
--Astoria Park
Oh "Bush" Puns, We'll Miss You Most Of All.
Guy: So I was talking to this hot girl the other day, but then she told me she liked Bush.
Girl: Oh...she's a lesbian?
Guy: No! Bush!
Girl: Oh, the band.
Guy: No, Bush! She's a Republican!
Girl: Wait. What?!
--Times Square
Overheard by: J.E.
Explaining Will Take More Time Than I Have Before Someone Hits Me, Sweetie
Young white daughter: Mommy, what's a black artist?
White mother, awkwardly: It's an artist who's...well, black.
Young daughter: Then how come you said you don't like them?
White mother, looking around nervously: I didn't say that, honey. I just said I don't like these paintings. The colors are too dark.
Young daughter, loudly: That's because he's black!
(mother hurriedly pulls daughter out of the room)
--The Whitney
Was Your Wedding Night As Magical As Mine?
Thug #1: So what did she say?
Thus #2: I don't know man, she was all like, "I smell that shit, I smell it!" and I was like "bitch, please, I just fucked you!"
--14th St Subway Station
Overheard by: now i'm curious
It's Always a Good Time to Freshen Up the Sex Toy Closet
Woman: Is that a ferret?
Teenage girl holding ferret: Yup.
Woman: Cool!
Teenage girl's father: You want it?
--5th Ave & 60th St
Headline by: daniellediamond
Runners-Up:
· ""We Got Gerbils Too And... Wait... You're Not a Cop, Are You?"" - The Drifter
· "I Have Enough Oversized Rats in My Apartment, Thanks" - pestilentia
· "It's Extra for the Girl - But She Does Tricks" - JohnnyB
· "Naw, That's Okay, My Possessions Already Smell Like Urine" - Rebecca Loeser
· "Steve Hasn't Perfected His Marriage Proposal Yet" - Al Bundy
· "Strangely, Also How He Got Rid Of Her Mother" - Samantha
· "We Have to Give It Away, My Daughter Is Having "Inappropriate Fun"" - Gimmy Stuv
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Write That Down.
Guy #1, studying for biology: Bread makes you shit.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: Because it's bread.
Guy #2: Genius.
--NYU Palladium
Overheard by: Zacharia
Yeah Right, Mr. "All-You-Can- Eat Strip Club Buffet"
Guy: Guess how much I paid for that fucking hamburger?
Girl: How much?
Guy: 32 dollars! No hamburger is worth 32 dollars.
--NYU Dorm
I Went to Church Disguised As My Own Mother
Guy #1: Yo, check out my new hat.
Guy #2: Pffff...shit man, I had a new hat yesterday.
--Grand St & Bushwick, Brooklyn
Throw in Some Shuffleboard and It's Bordering on Mad Pimpin'
Bartender: Both of the bars have indoor Bocce courts.
Texan: That is bad ass!
--Stand, 12th b/w 5th & University
I Told the Real Estate Agent Blue Was My Signature Color
Student: It's gonna be Halloween, aren't you worried about the Bloods' initiation?
Teacher: Nah. I'm good, my neighborhood's Crips.
--Brooklyn Public School
Overheard by: trinity
Let's Pray That Doesn't Turn Into "Heil Hitler"
Large middle aged black man: Well hello there little lady, Barack Obama!
Small young white girl: Yeah!
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Meg
Why Are We Even Talking When We Could Be Texting?
NYU girl #1: That's super cas.
NYU girl #2: That's a super abrev.
--Lafayette Residence Hall
The 21st Century Equivalent Of "I Bite My Thumb at You, Sir"
13-year-old skateboarder to friends: Suck my dick!
Friend #1: I like you, you're my friend, and I'll invite you to my birthday party, but I won't suck your dick.
Friend #2: You provoke me with your boner.
--A Train
Overheard by: devon
We Can Be Each Others' Funhouse Mirrors
White ginger head: You're the only one who can get in touch with my feelings.
Black girl: Yeah, we're like sisters.
White ginger head: You break down my emotions.
Black girl: I think we're in love.
--137th & Convent
Overheard by: Lovers can be Friends
...Conspiring to Bring About Their Own Destruction
Crazy old black dude: I never heard of a white Taliban CIA.
Crazy young black dude: Yeah?
Crazy old black dude: Yeah. But now you know they out there.
--J Train
Overheard by: *c
Then You Can Guess Which One By the Stains on the Carpet!
Guy #1: You're going to class? This'll be great, I'll get to make lunch and then I'll masturbate!
Guy #2: Dude, I'm gonna be here till one.
Guy #1: Well...one, then.
--NYU Palladium
Overheard by: Zacharia
The Day Donald Duck Resolved to Be Taken Seriously
Undergrad #1: Yo, man, where are you running to?
Undergrad #2: Class!
Undergrad #1: Yo, why are you wearing pants?
--Fordham University
Overheard by: eternal student
In a World Without Wiki...
Middle aged drunk woman: Excuse me sir, do you know what nasal douching is?
Random 20-something guy: Uh, I think it's when you stick your nose up in there and blow it out or something.
--Grand Central
This Is Not the New York Of Gossip Girl
Girl, as subway doors open: It smells like ass.
Guy: It's New York City, were you expecting sunshine and rainbows?
--Uptown F Train
Why Doctors Treat Patients Like They're Idiots
Woman: Your doctors told us not to let you have any alcohol, because of your medication.
Elderly woman: Okay. I'll just have beer then.
--F Train
Overheard by: Mae
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