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While Slapping Me!
Daughter: I feel bad for you, but not that bad.
Mother: You're a little bitch, honey.
Daughter: You just called me a bitch!
Mother: But I said "honey" afterward.
--Kane St
I.e. "I Want to Know You Biblically"?
Professor, discussing Song of Songs: We can't get around the fact that he's basically saying, "you're my horse."
Student: And I'm gonna ride you.
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Colleen
What's Your Clitoris Like?
Teenage girl #1: Yeah, it's too small to be seen easily, but it still scatters light beams.
Teenage girl #2: Well, that's a relief!
--Union Square
My Drunkenness Has Been Sub Par, Though.
Girl #1: Are you going away for spring break?
Girl #2: No. I wish I could.
Guy: I'm not. I'm auditioning for that reality show.
Girl #1: Oh, good luck.
Guy: But I'd better get it...I've been sleeping with all of them.
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: KMW
A Real New Yorker Would Just Do It.
Guy shoving himself onto a full train: Maybe if y'all moved a little I would fit!
Incredibly irate guy being shoved: Maybe if I punch you in the fucking face you'll get off this train so the doors will close!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: McJensen
You Talkin' to Me?
Four-year-old girl to boy: Goodbye, Alex!
Four-year-old boy to girl: Goodbye, taxi driver!
--83rd & Columbus
Overheard by: EthanK
That's What You Said About Arby's!
New York girl: So that's our neighborhood Babies "R" Us.
Out-of-town girl: Mmm. Sounds delicious.
--Union Square East
Overheard by: I wonder what sauce she uses...
And Where's Our Nobel Prize, Motherfuckers?
Girl #1, walking past NYSC: We should be working out like them...assholes.
Girl #2: It's fine, we are doing more productive things.
Girl #1: More productive than working out? Like what?
Girl #2: Going out, drinking, eating, and shopping!
--Wall Street
It Says to Use Your Mouth, But Isn't That Against God?
Cashier #1, holding black deflated balloon-thing: Dis thing don't work, I been blowin' it, but it don't blow.
Cashier #2: It ain't blow? You try to poke it? Wha' happen when you pokin it ?
Cashier #1: I just been tryin' to stick it in, and it ain't work.
--Duane Ready
Overheard by: I Love Duane Reed
I'm Sure the Purple Monkey in the Corner Can Explain It Adequately
Economics teacher: I want you to understand elasticity!
Student: LSD?
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
If Ned Flanders Were a Black Hobo
Conductor: This is a Queens-bound f express train. So if you don't need express, you better get the hell up off mah train! Stand clear of the closing doors.
Black hobo: Heidi ho, let's go!
--F Train
Turns Out "He" Was a Poodle.
French tourist #1, watching crowd taking pictures outside university cafe: What's going on inside?
French tourist #2: He's making pizza.
--University Place & Waverly
Bottom Line: Folger's Is Not the Best Part Of Waking Up
Foreign guy: Yeah, I had this sixteen-year-old who was drunk on vodka.
Friend: Yeah?
Foreign guy: I didn't sleep with her, though. I don't do that. I slept with her in the morning. Yeah, it's all about the penetration.
--St. Mark's Place
And I Do Mean "Up"
Girl, as UPS truck passes: Would you rather call FedEx or UPS?
Guy: I don't mind, as long as my package gets to where it needs to be.
Girl: Where does your package need to go?
Guy: My package needs to go up in your sister in Virgina.
--Time Square
...When I'm Drunk Enough.
Male suit: Sweet! They're getting me a new BlackBerry!
Female suit: Can I have your old one? You just got it.
Male suit: Eh, the middle button is broken. I may have to send it in.
Female suit: Your middle button is broken. You pee your pants when I touch it. That doesn't mean I don't want you.
--F Train
Overheard by: Kellz
Dennis the Menace Grew Up Pretty Much As Expected
MTA worker: Buy a ticket.
Guy banging on turnstile: Nooooo.
MTA worker: Buy a ticket.
Guy while diving under turnstile: No! Fuck you!
--SoHo
If You Calculate It Purely by Mass
Asian stereotype #1: Yeah, if I'm not valedictorian, I'll definitely be in the top ten.
Asian stereotype #2: Wait, but aren't there like thirteen people in the top ten?
--1 Train
Overheard by: non-stereotype Asian
In the Sense That She Stole My Wallet and Ran Off
Preteen boy #1: My new girlfriend told me to meet her there after school.
Preteen boy #2: Why don't you just call her and tell her you'll be late?
Preteen boy #1: I don't have her number.
Preteen boy #2: How is she your girlfriend if you don't even have her phone number?
Preteen boy #1: Cause I kissed her on the lips and she liked it!
--L Train
In Their Original Form
Girl: Hey, it's the zoo!
Vendor, in response: Yep, that's hot dogs.
--Central Park Zoo
Which Is Also How I Feel About Greek Statuary
Hipster #1: She's Palestinian.
Hipster #2: From what I've seen of Palestinians, they're cute, well except on Al Jazeera.
Hipster #1: Yeah, when they're not screaming or headless...they're pretty good looking.
--A Train
Like He's About to Smite Somebody With Unflattering Rhymes
Suburban teenage tourist #1, looking up at obnoxiously large TRL TV screen with P. Diddy's face on it: Doesn't Diddy look like god?
Suburban teenage tourist #2, in awe: Yeah...
--42nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Alex Murry
Just Preparing Myself for the Inevitability
Gay guy #1: I would go crazy if my mom died, I would be on Vicodin.
Gay guy #2: You are on Vicodin.
Gay guy #1: I know.
--D Train
Plus, Don't You Have to Be Fat?
Hip Asian girl: I'm getting really interested in Buddhism.
Sassy gay friend: I like killing bugs too much.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: michelle
Like I Do When You Ask for I.D.
Girl: Is this tequila comparable to Jose?
Old wino: Uhh, ask Leonard, but be careful, he'll go on forever.
Girl: S'okay, I'll fake a seizure.
--Liquor Store, 53rd St & 2nd Ave
...At Which Point, Yell "Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!" Just to Freak Him Out
Brunch woman #1: You let a four-year old watch Beetlejuice?
Brunch woman #2: It's not that scary.
Brunch woman #1: Let him come into your room in the middle of the night and suck your tit until he falls asleep!
--Rosewater Restaurant, Park Slope
The Angel Wings Are for Religious Purposes
Drunk gay college student, seeing drag queens crossing the street: Yay! Halloween! I love Halloween!
Drunk college friend: Oh my god! I love your costumes!
Drag queen, angrily: It ain't Halloween, bitch! This is every day!
--18th & 8th
Remember When I Borrowed Your Sleeping Bag?
Guy #1: Yeah, I can remember a bunch of times I've shit myself.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah, I think I can remember all the way back to one time when I was like three.
Guy #2: Oh, man. I can remember a time like last year.
--84th St & York
As I Learned from That Last Facebook Quiz
Old guy #1: You want to slap me to death!
Old guy #2: No I don't! I'm not that kind of person!
--St. Mark's Place
Ten Bucks Says They End Up in the Bathroom Making Out
Uptight, Greg-type dude: Doesn't it hurt to sit with your legs like that?
Cheerful, Dharma-type chick, in lotus position on bar stool: Nope!
Uptight, Greg-type dude, after short pause: I shall pray for you, my dear.
--St. Mark's Ale House, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Amber Star
Poor Hillary's Become Conditioned to Expect That Response
Starbucks employee to disheveled looking woman: Because it is a federal offense, ma'am.
Disheveled looking woman: Did you just call me a bitch?
Starbucks employee: No, I said it is a federal offense.
Disheveled looking woman: No, you called me a bitch.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Valley
Some Anthropologists Are More Brazen Than Others
Bitchy queen to young couple: Hey, are you guys kinky?
Tiny girlfriend, in ridiculously oversized fur: Excuse me?
Bitchy queen: I was just wondering if you knew how it felt to have an electric rod stuck up your ass.
--Lafayette Ave & E 4th
And Nobody Trusts a Chubby Hobo
Hobo: I'm so hungry. I ain't eaten nothing since yesterday.
Kind-hearted woman: Here, take the other half of this sandwich.
Hobo: Sorry, I don't eat carbs. Those shits don't do nothing but make you fat.
--Ditmars & 31st, Astoria
Overheard by: Allison
Just Another Manic Monday?
Loud teen #1: I thought your dad was Italian...?
Loud teen #2: He is Italian...and bipolar.
(silence)
Loud teen #3: I think there's something wrong with me...but I do not know what.
--Q Train
Overheard by: sara
A Vegan Camp Ghost Story
Girl #1: And there was a live poultry-slaughtering place across the street.
Girl #2: No way!
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Headline by: Matthew
Runners-Up:
· "Boneless-Skinless Breasts Don't Just Grow That Way?" - EddieA
· "Coin Operated, Which Made It Kind Of Cruel" - Nick Pollotta
· "I Think It's Called a Strip Bar" - Sandy Paws
· "I'm Telling You, It Was the Best Club I've Ever Been to" - PeterG
· "It Was Called Panda Express" - Chuck G
· "It's the New Starbucks - Soon There'll Be One on Every Corner" - Brent
· "Rachel's Stories About the World Outside NYC Always Gave Becky Nightmares" - Siobhan
· "That's Why the Wedding Was So Cheap" - treibs
· "They Also Perform Circumcisions" - mark
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
How Some Rockettes Get Discovered
Tourist girl, almost getting hit by a taxi while crossing against the light: Eek!
Spanish lady to cab driver: Ai, are you crazy!?
Tourist girl: Oh my god, she just kicked the car!
Spanish lady: Yah, I kick car.
--46th St
Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy
...So You Can Be Divorced by at Least Thirty.
Drunk guy: If I'm not married by the time I'm twenty-five or twenty-six...
Drunk girl: You haaaaave to be married by the time you're twenty-five.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: very single twenty-five year old. ouch.
Especially Having Slept With Her Husband
Pregnant teacher: Yeah, so my husband loves me and I'm pregnant. Yeah, that's life...everything works out.
Black girl to friend: Yo, she makes me mad depressed.
--Edward R Murrow High School
Wednesdays Could Use Their One-Liners As Walking Sticks
Man on cell: Well, at least my dick will finally seem bigger!
--Prince St. & W Broadway
Overheard by: Johnny
Puerto Rican lady on phone to pal: Yo, his dick was mad little, yo! My son's dick is bigger than that!
--Broadway & Havemeyer, Brooklyn
Teen on cell: And you have a small penis. And you're gay.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: And I Thought My Day Wasn't Going Well
Black gay guy on cell: I feel so sorry for guys with small penises. Here I am, with a 12 inch dick and I don't even use it.
--Penn Station
Man on cell: You're dumping me because my dick is 11 inches and it's too big? That doesn't make any sense!
--Lorimer & Maujer
Overheard by: was this a lame attempt to hit on me?
Petite yuppie on phone: Oh my god! It was so small I tried so hard not to laugh! But then I decided to boost his spirit and I said to him, "is it because it's cold in here?" (pause) Yeah, you're right, that couldn't have possibly boosted anything at all. Dinner was good, though.
--N Train
Overheard by: Mefisto
Wednesday See, One-Liner Do
Tourist teen: Scientology? Is that like that crazy Darwinism stuff where they think people are monkeys?
--TKTS
Guy: Well, 20 million years ago you were a monkey too!
--NYC Lab School
Overheard by: T
Teen to friend: So once the car is full of monkey poop, then you trade it in for another one.
--Chelsea
Hobo sitting in subway station: Woman ain't want no man in her bed...she want a monkey in her bed...ooohh ooh oh ahh ahhh ahhh. (makes monkey noises)
--E Train
Overheard by: Ja9
Comedy show hawker: You will all have autism when you're done with this show. And you'll be having sex like monkeys and bunnies.
--Times Square
Overheard by: fluffyautist
Little boy watching monkey, to father: I bet he wouldn't leave his kid at a Wal-Mart.
--Bronx Zoo
Now Playing: Wednesday One-Liners
Moviegoer: Come on, I wanna see this potentially shitty movie!
--AMC Loews, 68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Guy on phone: I'm not trying to have sex with you, I just really want to see The Dark Knight.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Ross
Movie theater employee: I don't go to the movies. I watch them on the internet.
--AMC Loews, Lincoln Square
Overheard by: Holly
Guy on cell: Okay, love you, bye... Oh, and the reason she says "Foxy, you better work it out!" is because that's the name of her character in the movie.
--62nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Richard
Nerdy film major: Silent Night, Deadly Night II is the worst movie ever. It's so bad it's amazing. There's something cathartic about watching it; you leave thinking, "there is a god!"
--NYU Dining Hall
Guy leaving The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: You have to be some kind of anti-Christ to write a movie that retarded.
--AMC Loews, 68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Mark Nilges
Girl, as credits roll at the end of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Wow...they both lived way too long.
--AMC Loews, 68th & Broadway
Parts Of Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Quite Nice
Irate professional woman on cell: I raced down to Penn Station to buy a ticket to New Jersey, and now you tell me you're going to Hooters?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Erin and Willa
Blonde hipster: I knew I needed to get out of there when I heard her saying, "we should go to that bar next because it's near the PATH!"
--Rivington & Essex
Train conductor: The next stop is Park Place. Transfer is available to the a, c, e and PATH to Newwwwwwwwwww Jersey. I also have wonderful news that I am dying to tell you today. All 2 and 3 trains are making local stops this weekend. There are no express trains because of service changes.
--2 Train
Girl, interrupting singing couple: Guys, we need to class it up, we are not in Jersey anymore!
--5th Ave & 86th
Overheard by: GerMan in NY
Four-year-old boy: I don't wanna go to New Jersey!
--New Jersey Transit Terminal, Penn Station
Hipster: But you were in New Jersey when you got pregnant, it's okay.
--1st & St. Mark's
Wednesdays Wonder How Much Their One-Liners Would Bring on the Open Market
Serious 40-something man to five-year-old girl: So why do I always have to be the one to buy dinner?
--8th Ave & 44th St
Overheard by: Dean
Mother to toddler: Why you always gotta sing Barney? Always Barney! You are so annoying! I'm sick of Barney.
--1 Train
Middle-aged Jewish man to eleven-year-old girl: But I don't think you have to worry about that, Talia, because there are very few Zoroastrians around these days.
--93rd & Broadway
Ghetto father making out with ghetto girl, to two-year-old tugging at his jeans: Nigga, stop cock-blockin me!
--Fordham Road
Overheard by: Laura
Angry mom to eight-year-old son: When I find that brick, you're in big trouble!
--Kane St & Clinton St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Phycobilins
Emphatic mom to child holding her hand: You've gotta hold my hand! I'm forty-six years old and I still hold my mommy's hand! I'm forty-six years old! So you've gotta hold my hand!
--50th & 9th
Overheard by: Christiana Little
Wednesday, Are You Fucking Kidding Me With These One-Liners?
Fat chick to cute friend's blind date: So, wait, is Jean Garafolo a man or a woman?
--Tribeca
Overheard by: Becka Dash
20-something blonde girl: Is there an English word for "quesadilla"?
--F Train
Checkout lady, pausing with a container of hummus after scanning it: Lots of people buy this stuff...what is it?
--Myrtle St
Overheard by: Myrtle & Carlton
Woman entering RadioShack: Excuse me, do you have radios?
--RadioShack, 72nd & Broadway
B9 bus driver to passengers: Make a left here?
--B9 Bus
Overheard by: VeganBeauty
The Rectitude Of Wednesday One-Liners
Teenage girl to friend: I'm not even kidding, her asshole was *this* big! (connects her thumbs and pointer fingers making a large circle)
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: soccer mom
Female suit to friends: And the old-timers were just such assholes...
--Walker & W Broadway
Overheard by: j
Big squirming Latin kid: God! I got this burnin' in my asshole, man!
--Xavier High School
Overheard by: seriously?
Concerned friend to sobbing girl: All you did wrong was sleep with him before you knew he was an asshole!
--Coffeeshop, Park Slope
Overheard by: TheGreenCat
Wednesday One-Liners Just Go to Their Happy Place
Conductor yelling in Indian accent: Please get in the train, it's not that crowded. (door closes and opens again) Get in the freaking train, it's not Mumbai, there is space, and keep you limbs inside the train, please!
--E Train
Overheard by: Ting
Loud man as doors open on a packed rush-hour train: What you need to do is...put out your hand and say, "no, you will not fit." And then, if that don't work, take your umbrella, and open it up.
--4 Train
Seated woman to older lady leaning over her: Lady, back your fupa up!
--F Train
Overheard by: pwolf
Conductor: This train is tooo crowded, folks. There is another train behind us that looks just like this one. Take a look at this train, then wait for something that looks just like it.
--6 Train
Little tourist boy: There are more people in here than in all of New York!
--Dillan's Candy Store
Wednesday One-Liners Think "Abroad" Sounds Dirty
20-something college student: I saw the movie Australia the other day, and I couldn't understand anything because they all had English accents.
--2 Train
Indian woman with accent, recalling story to husband: So I called up customer service, and right away the woman said "Oh, priti, you must be Indian". I said "No, I am not." I was like "What? Are you kidding me? I call customer service and they put me through to India? Then she said "Have you ever been to India?", I was like "No, I have not, is it nice?"
--Jackson Heights
Overheard by: Marie Z.
10-year-old girl, emoting mockingly for her minder: And I can see *Russia* from my *house*!
--74th & Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Woman on cell: It's okay, I've got a plan. We'll move to Mexico, buy a lemonade stand by buying parts from a guy called Javier, earn some money, then smuggle ourselves and our belongings over the border to America, where no one will know what happened.
--5th Ave
30-something to friend: Apparently all of England's problems can't be solved by strangling an old guy!
--Roosevelt Island
Hella Good Wednesday One-Liners
Twitchy dude to no one in particular: What? You selling something? What you selling? You all are devils! Devil worshipers! Bunch of devil worshipers! Devils, devils, devils! See you in hell! Oh...I won't be there, though.
--C Train
Hipster girl on cell: No, the black marks are from me cheating on you with Satan. (pause) Yeah, now I'm pregnant and he won't marry me.
--23rd & 5th
Overheard by: Louisa
Young guy on cell, about video game: I gave them my soul. I gave them my soul! See, my soul legally belongs to you, so you tricked them. (pause) Give him his soul! Give him his soul! What? What? Too late!
--93rd St, Bay Ridge
Screaming man with ashes on forehead to man walking past on Ash Wednesday: You're going to hell you motherfucker!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: BK
Woman on cell: Satan don't wear no panties, negro. That shit flies free.
--Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: Celia
Harry Wednesday and the Half-Blood One-Liner
Chick on cell: Look, there are only two people other than me who can construct a sentence that awesome: Severus Snape and Keith Olbermann, and one of them isn't even real!
--18th & 6th
Middle-aged man on cell: Hey man, guess what. I just saw Harry Potter's magic wand!
--Equus, Broadhurst Theatre
Overheard by: Kilfy
Chick on cell: Is he one of Voldemort's friends from high school?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Loud girl to friend: Because seriously, how many real redheads do we actually know? And Ron Weasley doesn't count!
--NYU
IT VP: This guy at work told me the ending to the last Harry Potter book before I read it. So I fired him.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Jason E
Silly Rabbit, Wednesday One-Liners Are for Kids
Excited little girl to friend: Hey! Wanna see my room? It's really cool! I got a bed!
--Whole Foods, Tribeca
Three-year-old girl, excitedly pointing at picture on store front: Look mommy, it's Buddha! It's Buddha!
--Ave B b/w 3rd & 4th
Overheard by: EVgirl
Young girl to father: Only 1,486 days until I'm 18 and then I can do whatever the heck I want.
--E 78th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Brandon F
4-year-old girl to father trying to board overcrowded train: Jesus, we should have taken the bus! I told you we should have taken the bus.
--Uptown 4 Train
Overheard by: kdice
Five-year-old son to father who just dropped BlackBerry: What the hell just happened here?
--Great Lawn, Central Park
Four-year-old girl: I'mma hustla! I'mma, I'mma hustla!
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Nina
Except When We're Striking
Teamster #1: Don't you ever take a day off?
Teamster #2: Every day is a day off.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Seriously, Can I Have One Of the Bananas?
Conductor leaning out window of train pulling into station: Hey, nice hat! I like your hat!
Woman on platform with nice hat: Um, thank you.
Conductor: This is 72nd Street. Uptown 2 train making local stops, local stops. Next stop 79th Street. Nice hat! Niiiice hat!
--2 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
And, If So, Is It Above or Below It?
Traveler: Does this A train go near 33rd St?
Conductor: Sure. Get off at 34th St.
Traveler: Is that near 33rd St?
--A Train
When Good Conversations Go Bad
Guy in horse-drawn carriage to tourist couple crossing street: Yo, buddy, yer wife is beau-tee-ful!
Tourist man: Thank you!
Guy: You better take good care of her!
Tourist man: I will!
Guy: Cause if you don't, I'm gonna stick my dick in her!
--58th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
At the Cultural Stereotype Olympics
Queen #1: Well, you know she's bulimic now, right?
Queen #2: I know! It's so sad! Once she loses all that weight she's just going to figure out she has an ugly face.
--N Train
Overheard by: Andrea
My Shrink Disagrees.
Guy #1: So let me get this straight, you were in the car with your mom and your sister and you were put in a sexy mood?
Guy #2: Yes.
Guy #1: Don't you think that's weird?!
Guy #2: No, I don't think they were responsible for the sexy mood.
--The Strand
Overheard by: Sara Swank
Anyone with That Many Vowels in His Name Is Not to Be Trusted
Fro-yo patron #1: Yo, my boy told me he just saw Giuliani rollin' through the hood.
Fro-yo patron #2: Wait...who's Giuliani?
Fro-yo patron #1: One punk ass bitch, nigga.
--yogoMonster, Court St. Brooklyn
Overheard by: bojangles
Conversing with My Personal Sensei
Bookstore girl to six-year-old in suit: Hey little boy, are you lost? Where is your nanny?
Six-year-old: I don't know, but I see my driver outside!
--Bookstore, Upper East Side
Overheard by: AlphaNYC
How the Orange Julius Was Born
Girl: What is this?
Guy: Orange juice!
Girl: (pause)
Guy: I mean anti-freeze!
--29th & Madison
Overheard by: AlphaBeta
Unfortunately, It's Usually a Hobo on the Subway.
Woman at checkout to teenage son: I don't know...this shampoo smells a little too edible.
Middle aged Latina cashier, fingering her hair: That's why I wash my hair! So somebody will take a bite! Yum, yum, nibble, nibble!
--Ave A Grocery Store
I'd Still Prefer a Polar Bear, Though.
Button-down and khakis guy #1: I wish I had a bi-polar friend...it'd be like having two friends in one!
Button-down guy #2, completely serious: Yeah, that'd be awesome.
--Crocodile Lounge, 14th St
Also the Original Answer To, "Sylvia, How Do You Call Your Lover Boy?"
Not ghetto black girl: How do you bag a girl?
Ghetto black boy: Come sit on my lap!
--Pete's Pizza, Ave M
Unless You Can Name the Right Price
Hobo: Next stop, my dick!
Gay guy: Oh yay! This is going to be fun!
Hobo: You're weird, I was only joking.
--1 Train
Unless Ben and Jerry Count
Extremely drunk guy: Hey, how ya doin'?
Sober woman: Fine, thanks. (pause) Hey, this is my stop...gotta go! (dashes off train)
Extremely drunk guy to extremely drunk friend, after a long pause: Hey, I coulda had her if I wanted. I coulda been like, "if this is your stop, then it's my stop too, baby, why dontcha come home with me?" But I don' want any company tonight. I wanna be all by myself...in my own place...in my own bed...all alone.
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Remember How We Used to Do That in the Womb?
Three-year-old boy: This is an iPhone, it can play YouTube videos.
Three-year-old girl: I know.
--Doctor's Office, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Or Did It Call for Full-On ESPN?
Brunette: Have you ever had to be saved before?
Blonde: Nope, but when I was a lifeguard I had to save someone.
Brunette: Oh my god, did you have to give them RSVP?
--5 Train
Overheard by: Ami
Just Like I Did.
Japanese toddler: Do they have jail in Japan?
Japanese dad: Yes, they have jail everywhere.
Japanese toddler: I want to go to jail!
Japanese dad: No, you don't. You get killed in jail.
--Grand Central Terminal
I Didn't Know That Was Possible in Such Tight Jeans
Hipster guy #1: Dude, it's so cold...did you just pee your pants?
Hipster guy #2: I did. I peed my pants, everybody! I peed them!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: youknowme
The Grammatical Correctness Capital Of America
Cashier: Wow, you speak really good English. Where are you from?
Hipster Asian dude: I'm from Tokyo and I've been taking classes since I was three so I'm really articulate and speak great English.
Cashier: Really?
Hipster Asian dude: Fuck no. I'm from Queens.
--Deer Park
Overheard by: Schmooty
I Also Know That Because Of Gym Class. Don't Ask.
High school kid #1: Why are you in chemistry?
High school kid #2: So I can learn what is in medicine. It is much more important than physics.
High school kid #1: No, I know how piss is made in the body. That's all physics. I know how piss is made, because of physics. And you don't.
--E Train
Come Talk to Me When You Master Cooking and Central Heating
Old British gentleman: The next train is when?
MTA employee in booth: 11:45.
Old British gentleman: This entire nation is incompetent!
--Grand Central Terminal
That's Why the Internet Was Invented, Brainiac
Guy #1: I typed "gentrification" on Google Images and I got titties.
Guy #2: Man, you can type in anything and get titties.
--Bushwick
The Two Would Go on to Become Lifelong Friends
Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ray
When Did My Geneology Become an LSAT Logic Question?
Teenage boy: You and your twelve moms!
Teenage girl: I only have five!
Teenage boy: I was counting your dads too.
Teenage girl: I only have two of them. That's only seven parents.
--Lower Manhattan
Okay, Now Let's Try the Kit-Kat Song
Woman looking for friend who got lost in massive crowd: Marco! Marco!
Massive crowd of people: Polo!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Julia
Or Am I Thinking Of Popsicle Sticks?
Man: I like that wooden thing. I like art that isn't painting.
Woman: You mean sculptures?
Man: Yeah, that's it--sculptures.
--Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Andy M
Who Calls Their Doormen "1" and "2"?
Four-year-old: Doorman 1 is fat.
Mom: No he's not. Who said that?
Four-year-old: Doorman 2.
Mom: Well, doorman 2 is wrong. Doorman 1 is just a bigger guy. He's just bigger than doorman 2. He's not fat.
Four-year-old: Yes he is.
Mom: No he's not. Who are you going to believe, me or doorman 2?
Four-year-old: Doorman 2.
--Riverside Drive
For Instance, Why Are You Wearing Those Shoes with That Bag?
Girl to calculus teacher: I'm so confused.
Calculus teacher: Me too...
--St. Joseph Hill
Overheard by: Cat
And You're a Tad Horny
Girl: Am I turning into a unicorn?
Guy: No, you just have cancer.
--Boss Tweed's bar
Overheard by: Unicorns
Whew, Crisis Averted.
Teen girl #1: So, I wanted to get these boots with fringe, but I think fringe is like so over.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, but you could totally get fabricated fringe.
Teen girl #1: Wait, what do you mean by that?
Teen girl #2: Like, fringe made of fabric--but not like cotton.
Teen girl #1: Oh my god! Like tweed fringe?! Totally!
--LIRR
And Pretend It Didn't Happen, Like Usual?
Guy #1: So when's your birthday?
Guy #2: It's June 24.
Guy #1: Hey, mine is May 24.
Guy #2: And my girlfriend's is January 24.
Guy #1: Wow...we should all have sex.
--7th & Ave B
Though I Think Of It As More Of a Divine Calling
Working man: Yo, what's that?
Hobo, shaking cup of coins: Huh?
Working man: What is that?
Hobo: It's a cup, you got any money?
Working man: Yeah, I got money in my pocket.
Hobo: Well, gimme some!
Working man: I ain't got money to be givin' away. I just did my eight hours.
Hobo: Well, I'm gettin' my eight hours too, shit!
--F Train
Overheard by: ninja
Spiced With Uninformed Opinion from Around the World!
Little boy near cafe: What's that smell?
Passerby: It's the smell of knowledge!
--Barnes & Noble
Circus Is About the Fact That I'm Hung Like an Elephant
Hobo #1: Britney Spears is a pussy.
Hobo #2: I was tapping her before she got pregnant.
--1 Train
Every Day I Test Myself, and Every Day I Fail.
Subway operator: This downtown 1 train will not be stopping at 50th Street. I repeat, will not be stopping at 50th Street.
(a minute passes)
Subway operator: We will not be stopping at 50th Street. There is a stalled train there. We will be going straight to 42nd without stopping at 50th.
(another minute goes by)
Subway operator: This is a downtown 1 train, next stop will be 50th. Shit! 42nd.
--1 Train
We Can Afford Coke.
Woman: Looks like you guys got your drink on tonight.
Drunk frat boy: I don't drink--I'm the VP of programming!
--PATH
Overheard by: DBrickashaw
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