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How Darwin Got Everyone to Accept His Theory
Father to teenage daughter: Oh, well...the party was in Queens.
Daughter: Fuck Queens!
Father, quickly checking calendar on cell phone: Not on Gay Pride Day, honey.
Daughter: Haha! Hang on, I'm going to write that down. I'll use it in a story for my creative writing class!
Father: Oh, don't write it down...it's not even funny. And always remember...if you want your story to be funny, just put in a monkey. It always works for me!
Daughter: Didn't you novel get bad reviews, though? They said it wasn't funny at all.
Father: Well, obviously, I should have written in several more monkeys.
--Tompkins Square Park
Now They Grow Up to Be Flying Rats
Older woman: Mice grow up to be rats. I have mice.
Older guy: No, they don't!
Older woman: Yes they do, mice grow up to be rats.
Older guy: No, they don't! They're different species. They're cousins.
Older woman: No, they aren't!
Older guy: Yes, they are--they're cousins, like rabbits and squirrels.
Older woman: No--mice grow up to be rats!
Older guy: No, they don't! There are even different species of rats. German rats,
Norwegian rats...
Older woman: Okay, let's change the subject--I hate rats.
Older guy: Do you know pigeons have strokes?
Older woman: What?
Older guy: Pigeons have strokes. They don't last long, but they do.
Older woman: Uh...okay.
Older guy: Pigeons learn to fly when they're five weeks old.
--A Train
For Me, Anyway
Hipster #1: And so then she said, "I'm not even turned on, I just think you're retarded..."
Hipster #2: Oh, dude. Did you guys still have sex?
Hipster #1: Yeah, it was okay.
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Rachel
...For Your Mr. Peanut Costume.
Bag lady with a cane: Excuse me, ladies and gentleman! I don't mean to bother you but...
Crazy hobo, interrupting: Then don't! I hate people who say "sorry to bother you." Just stop bothering me!
Bag lady with a cane: Fuck you!
Crazy hobo: You ain't even really crippled! I sold you that cane!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Sara Swank
'Til After I Met Your Math Teacher
20-something daughter: Mom, how did you know that dad was the one?
Mom: He was the only one I didn't cheat on.
--LIRR, Penn Station
Freud: Hmmmm...
Female suit at sink to friend in stall: Oh, yeah! I saw a stainless steel toilet seat cover today, and it made me think of you!
Woman in stall, delighted: Oh, yay!
(both laugh fondly)
--Women's Restroom, Financial District
Overheard by: nowhere near the corrections department..
You're Just Lucky I Can't Afford Eggs
Professor: Not only will I take off points, but I will go and TP your house.
Student: It's a really long drive...
Professor: It's worth it to me.
--NYU
Overheard by: Spazz
Granted, Sometimes It's Like Drinking from the Fire Hose
NYU guy #1: You know it's impossible to swallow a whole teaspoon of cinnamon?
NYU guy #2: Wait, why not?
NYU guy #1: Because it accumulates into clumps and dries up your mouth.
NYU guy #2: Oh, cinnamon! I thought you said "semen." I was going to be like "Yes you can!"
--3rd Ave & 11th St
Won't the Scales Hurt?
Girl #1: Well, there's sushi!
Girl #2: But then we'd like...poop fish.
--Broadway & 8th St
Then Who'll Be the Catcher?
British guy: But whenever I give a pitch I cry like a little girl!
Girl: That's why you have to practice with someone who is better than you at pitching!
--New York Film Academy, Union Square
Padma: "I Found the Tongue Bland and Uninspiring"
Girl: We're across the street from Padma Lakshmi's favorite pizza place. Too bad I've never seen her in it. Because I would probably accidentally kiss her or something.
Guy: With tongue.
Girl: Duh!
--18th & Lex
As It Clearly States in Joss Whedon's Version Of the Bible
Professor: Does anyone know where the term "Passover" comes from?
Student: It's because the Jews put blood on their doors so Jesus would pass over their house and not kill the first-born son.
--Classroom, Fordham University
Overheard by: dundun
Since the Lion at the Zoo Apparently Wasn't Hungry
Little boy, looking up at animatronic T-Rex: Look! I want to sit on its head!
Mother: I want to feed you to it!
--Toys R Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Lea
Eh, I'm Just in It for the Sodomy
Gay guy #1: We should get tickets to a musical in April.
Gay guy #2: I don't like musicals.
Gay guy #1: What?
Gay guy #2: I don't like plays.
Gay guy #1: Gay.
--Barnard College
I'm Pretty Sure It's Called The G Spot
Girl #1: Man, if I'm going to go to that party tonight, I gotta shave my hair.
Girl #2: Yeah, me too. Where is the best price around here?
Girl #3: There's one on Lexington by my place, and a guy does it, and he's so hot I just want him to accidentally shove his dick up me.
Girl #2: Then we'll go to that place!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Andrew
I Told You Not to Get Waxed in the Shape Of a Strip
NYU girl #1: So when you were in Israel did you hook up with any hot Israeli guys?
NYU girl #2: Yeah, he was this really hot army officer. But he was so aggressive...I think he though I was Gaza or something.
--Washington Square Park
Jeez, Look at Him Vomit Into That Potted Palm
Disgruntled woman #1: It's not that he kissed my cousin...
Disgruntled woman #2: Right.
Disgruntled woman #1: And it's not that he can't feel emotions...
Disgruntled woman #2: Most guys can't!
Disgruntled woman #1: It's that he drinks Bacardi-151!
Disgruntled woman #2: I'm sayin'!
--The Courtyard Marriot, Times Square
Sven Is Learning English in Fits and Starts
Professor, musing: I wonder what I'm going to do this weekend...
Student in lecture: Party!
Professor: Barbecue?
Student: No, party!
Professor: I think I'm a bit old for that.
Student: Party!
--NYU
Overheard by: Spazz
And Giggle About Him Over Baby Carrots at Lunch
Suit #1: Man, I hope management doesn't hose up the bonuses with all this AIG shuck-and-jive goin on.
Suit #2: Well, I tell you. The CFO ain't too worried.
Suit #1: And you know this...how?
Suit #2: Well, the CFO was evidently at Tribeca the other night, promising our admin secretary that he'd show her a real stimulus package.
Suit #1: That dude ain't got squat; all the office females who have it goin on know that. They call him "Get Shorty."
--Pelham
Think Ellen Pompeo's Skin. Think Physics Lectures.
Brunette bimbo: Oh my god, this line is so long I don't know if I can hold it.
Blonde bimbo: Just think dry thoughts. Think chicken.
--Line for Ladies' Room, Movie theater, Union Square
This Is the Bathroom Line, Ma'am
Middle-aged man: The hell makes you think I'm following you?
MILF with baby: Oh, I dunno. Maybe because every time I turn around, you're standing there with that stupid, constipated look on your face!
--JFK
Overheard by: Sketch
$5 a Handjob Just Doesn't Stretch As Far As It Used to
Nigerian pharmacy assistant: Okay, is $50.00.
Overweight middle aged man: For that?! That tiny cream!? Forget it.
Nigerian pharmacy assistant: You don't want?
Overweight middle aged man: Nah, no thanks. I'll go with the rash.
--CVS Pharmacy
Overheard by: Jonathan Ferrantelli
The Exact Point at Which I Shit Myself
Girl #1: When I got the shit beat out of me last year it broke my septum and I had to get surgery on my nose.
Girl #2: You did not get the shit beat out of you! A homeless woman punched you in the face!
--NYU
We Know Our Own Kind.
Skinny hipster to friend: All I'm saying is, if he can fuck a skinny chick why fuck a fat chick?
Random passerby: Shit, that guy ain't gotten pussy in months.
--East Village
To Be Fair, Nobody's Stock Is Any Good Right Now
Girl: How's your sister?
Doucherocket maximus: She just had a miscarriage, which was good because we didn't want her to breed with him.
--A Train
Overheard by: Sabrina
Now I Feel All Ooky in My Chamber Of Secrets
Tween girl with huge wall of hair: I look like Hagrid.
Older sister: You look like the lovechild of Hagrid and Hermione. (pause) Actually, Hagrid is too big for that to happen.
Tween girl: You mean his body size? His butt?
Older sister: (laughing)
Tween girl: Ew! (pause) On a Sunday?
--Central Park
You Vary Depending Upon the Light, Like Sarah Jessica Parker
Guy: Hey, you look pretty...
Girl: Fuck off!
Guy: Don't interrupt...pretty ugly.
--C Train
Isn't That, Like, Spanish or Something?
College student #1: Yeah, it was in Brooklyn. I had to take, like, the L. I've never even heard of that!
College student #2: The L? Wow!
--NYU
I Hear Africa's Beautiful.
Guy from Illinois: Where are you from?
Girl: Rome.
Guy from Illinois: Oh, I've always wanted to visit St. Petersburg!
--Queensboro Plaza
Dueling Morons Can Be More Entertaining Than Television
Pizza guy #1, after reading Snapple cap: Okay: what's a bird that can swim but can't fly? Seven letters.
Pizza guy #2: Hmmm...a duck?
Pizza guy #1: What? No, seven letters. And a duck isn't even a bird, a duck is a duck!
--Pizza Parlor, Upper West Side
Overheard by: EthanK
Um, Because I've Done It for You?
Girl #1: Come on, smell it!
Girl #2: Why would I put my nose close to the poop in your hair?
--14th & Ave A
Guess What Peewee's Word Of the Day Is?
Ditzy white girl standing in line: Ugh. It's, like, so much effort to get fresh produce.
Ditzy friend #1: I agree! Should we abort?
Ditzy friend #2: Yes! Abort!
Ditzy friend #1: Abort!
Ditzy friend #3: Abort!
--Union Square Greenmarket
Overheard by: office peon
I Mean, We All Feel That Way About the State Of the Economy
Young businesslady: I mean, I'm used to it. I go in the bathroom, and they're all in there sticking they finger down their throats, all the fuckin time!
Young businessman: Yeah...
--57th St
Overheard by: Lagster
Antarctica Doesn't Look a Day Over a Billion
Girl #1, holding bottle of water: Do you think this water is bad?
Girl #2: How long have you had it for?
Girl #1: I don't know, I found it in my freezer.
Girl #2: No, it's probably good, freezing things keep them fresh.
--9th St & Ave A
Headline by: Nick Pollotta
Runners-Up:
· ".... According to the Jeffrey Dahmer Cookbook" - the amoeba
· "As I Learned at Grave-Digging Camp" - Muse on the Loose
· "But Just to Be Safe, I Would Boil It" - Max Million
· "Every Night I Put My Pussy on Ice" - DickintheHandisWorthTwoBushes
· "Just Ask Walt Disney's Head" - PeterG
· "Just Look What It Does for Nipples!" - Nick Pollotta
· "Water, Sperm, Human Hearts..." - loves fresh sperm, personally
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That Jerk Never Returns My Calls
Girl #1: This whole Ben situation is really starting to piss me off.
Girl #2: I know! I just don't know what his deal is.
Girl #1: He called me like twelve times yesterday.
Girl #2 (stopping in the middle of Penn Station): He called you? (pauses for a moment) Oh, you mean Ben your boyfriend, don't you?
Girl #1: As opposed to?
Girl #2: Ben from Lost.
Girl #1: Don't talk to me for an hour, please.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: thought it was lost too
Wait! I Meant 21 Pounds Metric!
Teacher, holding up bag with four apples: Okay kids, how much does this weigh?
Really enthusiastic child: Twenty one pounds!
Teacher: Umm...okay. You think 21 pounds. Right. Anyone else?
--Lincoln Center
Like, I Wish It Could Autograph My Butt!
Tourist #1, pointing to the Met: It looks just like the Louv-rey in Paris.
Tourist #2: Oh my god, that is like the best museum.
--91st & 5th
One Wednesday One-Liner to Live
Woman, pushing baby in stroller through flock of pigeons and hearing him laugh hysterically: Yeah, yeah, sometimes it's the little things in life.
--76th St
Overheard by: jaytro
Guerrilla Top of the Rock marketer: Carpet munching can get you far in life.
--Rockefeller Center
Twelve-year-old girl at Tila Tequila's book signing: This is the greatest day of my life.
--Barnes & Noble, Tribeca
Overheard by: Helene and Kristina
Short fat white woman to tall older man: Well, I really have no problem with spending life in jail. I really don't.
--Father Demo Square
Man, not moving: This place is draining the life out of me.
--IKEA Store
Overheard by: Les Izzmore
Train operator: This is a life-altering bound r train. Prepare to be amazed. Next stop, Nirvana.
--R Train
With This Ring, I Thee Wednesday One-Liner
Middle aged black woman on cell: Does your mother know we're married yet?
--Forever 21, Union Square
Overheard by: Sophie
2nd grader: See! This is what happens when a man marries another man! They get divorced!
--22nd & Lexington
Angry man to woman: They just had to get fucking married two days before fucking Christmas!
--Century 21
Overheard by: Amina
Dejected guy, slumping on stairs: Will you marry me?
--11th St & b/w University Place & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex Bailey
Guy on phone: She already said yes, so I don't have to get her a ring, right? (pause) Well, why do I have to get her a ring if she already said yes?
--18th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jessica Bergin
Son Of a Wednesday One-Liner Man
Evangelist outside gym: You want to be a macho man? Look at Jesus!
--Broadway & Prince
Street evangelist on microphone: Y'all ever see two female pigeons in bed together?
--Fordham Plaza
Very agitated priest: Jesus was a zygote once--what if Mary aborted him?
--St. Luke's Church, Whitestone
Crazy subway evangelist: If god could make me a good crackhead, you best believe he could make me a good preacher.
--E Train
Overheard by: Giggling at crack
Preacher: And that's why your religion is null and void.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Alfie
Wednesday One-Liner: The World's Oldest Profession
Older, dirty-looking hobo: Hey, spare me some change, all I want tonight is a hooker and some malt liquor.
--Ave A & 4th St
20-something girl: Seriously! There is nothing better after a stressful day than stealing a car, picking up a hooker, taking her to the beach, fucking her, killing her, getting your money back and not getting arrested. Nothing!
--Underhill & St. Mark's, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Claire H.
Young woman to boss: If you don't give me more hours, I'mma have to start sellin' my pussy!
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Holly
Subway musician in drag the night before Valentine's Day: Be with the one you love! If you don't have anyone, then hire somebody! And keep your receipt!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Morning Glory
Musician on train platform: Everything gonna be alright! Get home safe, New York. Remember: if you see something, say something, don't keep it to yourself. And remember, New York, if you can't be with the one you love, pay someone! Keep all the receipts. I know what I'm talking about.
--B Train
Overheard by: Free Love
Wednesday One-Liners Get Schooled
Guy leaving registration line: Yo,son, I'm a fucking college student!
--Borough of Manhattan Community College
Girl to friend: If I blow off the first day of class to go to Nobu, am I really meant to be an MD?
--Nobu Restaurant, Tribeca
Crazy guy: School is good! School is very good! You can speak Chinese! You can speak Japanese! (counts to ten in Spanish.) School is good! School is very good!
--C Train
Overheard by: Emily B.
Hipster art student: He keeps giving us too many penis assignments. I don't wanna do another penis assignment.
--Pratt Institute
Blonde: My mom wants me to look at graduation dresses...yeah, let's see if I get there first.
--Austin St, Forest Hills
A Sorry Sack Of Wednesday One-Liners
Guy to friend: I'm sorry. When I see tight shorts I don't think 80s hair metal.
--23rd St
Conductor: This station is Murray Hill. If you look outside your window and don't see a platform, then you can't get off. Sorry. Please walk towards the front of the train.
--LIRR
Overheard by: PW rider
NJ transit conductor: Folks, this is the 5:50 Midtown direct. We are leaving two minutes late because some of your fellow commuters would not board the train. Some people don't understand you can walk on the train. Sorry for that.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Katherine
Extremely Brooklynese conductor: Okay, we're being held up by another f and...uh...another d. Oh, jeez! Sorry, people, it's not my fault, blame the fuckin' dispatcher! (to person in the conducting booth) What?
--F Train
Overheard by: Jasper johnson
Conductor on loudspeaker: Now arriving at Penn Station. Please exit the train promptly. And to those sitting in the first two cars, sorry about the lack of lights and air conditioner. (loudspeaker turns off, after a pause back on). Actually, we're sorry about everything.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: brutal commuter
If I Could Grunt and Squeak and Squawk With the Wednesday One-Liners
Middle aged man: So all you gotta do is pick up a gray squirrel holding an acorn, squeeze his belly, and hear him make real squirrel chatter.
--92nd & Lexington
Latina girl on cell: Chill the fuck out! Groundhog Day isn't till like June or some shit!
--PETCO, Union Square
Overheard by: Max
Girl: I tried a lot of things before I started kicking small animals.
--15th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Rijita
20-something guy to another: They cost a lot but they live forever. If you get a group of like 20 elephants, you're invincible.
--1 Train
Female student: But how else would you transport the elephant?
--34th St b/w Park & Madison Ave
Eight-year-old boy, running hellbent through playground, to friend: I could tell you about Archelon, the largest evolved turtle, but there isn't time.
--Riverdale
Overheard by: Someone else's mom
Guy on cell: It was kind of like sexually penetrating cows...
--E 55th St
Overheard by: TiffanyLyn
Use a Wednesday, So You Don't Get One-Linered Up
Man helping woman carry stroller down stairs: If you had taken the bloody pill when you said you were taking it, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.
--Broadway-Lafayette B/D/F/V Station
Overheard by: Jon A.
Man walking with girlfriend, loudly: Wait, did you bring your diaphragm?
--Times Square
Loud woman on cell: How many times do you have to have sex, and have a baby, before you realize: "If I have sex without a condom I will get someone pregnant."? Seriously!
--Broadway & 103rd St
Overheard by: Amy
Guy on phone: I always tell people that sex with you with a condom is better than sex with other girls without a condom.
--Outside Trader Joe's, 14th St
Zoo guide: This zoo likes to be careful with breeding animals by taking into account genes and the like. But then again, Zippy--the baby snow monkey--came along. So be careful with your birth control.
--Central Park Zoo, by the Snow Monkeys
Girl to another: I just don't see why we can't make our own condoms.
--14th St & 4th Ave
Wednesdays Get a Headache Without Their One-Liners
Barista: Basically someone bought a coffee Friday, came back Monday and said it's cold. Um, yeah. It's three days later.
--Starbucks, Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Woman, walking out of Starbucks empty-handed: Well, at least now we know where we can get coffee. You know, in the morning?
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: David Landfair
NYU student to coffee cart man: Can I get a venti-large coffee?
--Greene St & Washington Place, The Village
Overheard by: Jane
Male coworker: I was just going to turn water into coffee, like they do in the bible.
--Broadway
Hyper five-year-old to mom: Hey look, Starbucks. Let's go to Starbucks. Starbucks! Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Juxie
Mother to hysterical baby in stroller: What do you want, huh? Coffee and a cigarette?
--Outside Bloomingdale's
Overheard by: kteezy
Wednesday One-Liners--Not for the Calorie-Conscious
3rd grader, cheerily announcing to subway: I'm starving! I didn't even have breakfast! (jubilantly) Just candy!
--4 Train
Overheard by: i tried that once
Cosi employee to another: Dude, don't tell anyone, but I put a *special ingredient* in the brownies.
--Cosi Restaurant
Fat girl with three skinny friends and a large cupcake: So what do you think our cupcake choices say about our personalities?
--Crumbs Bake Shop
Overheard by: Damon
Old guy with ponytail: You bootlegged My Bloody Valentine? That's like breaking into the US Mint and stealing the chocolate sauce!
--7th Ave
Overheard by: Good Analogy
Girl: And by "jellybean," I mean "fetus"!
--Christopher & W 4th St
Woman: It's no longer a chocolate vagina, it's just a pool of chocolate!
--Manhattan Center Grand Ballroom
Overheard by: Ilyssa
Wednesday Feel Trapped in a One-Liner's Body
Ghetto lady to another: Her son is a lesbian!
--Port Authority Bus Station
Suit to friend: Did I ever tell you about the time I ran into a Dunkin Donuts Drive Thru window with a transvestite in my back seat?
--N Train
Overheard by: Tater
Cop: The trannies hate the DVDs. They just can't get along. They hate each other more than the Bloods and the Crips!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jon A.
Girl on cell: He just turned around and slipped into the skirt, and I just had to tell him! (pause) No, it didn't flatter his figure.
--Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center
Crazy guy, pointing to girl sitting on fireplug: She's a man! That girl's a man! She's a man! Heh, heh...okay, stay there, I'll be right back. (pause) To punch you in the face!
--23rd & 7th
Overheard by: EthanK
Guy on phone: First you wanted to be a car salesman, and now you want to be drag queen?
--31st b/w 9th &10th
Overheard by: roommate of guy on phone
She Don't Eat Wednesday One-Liners, But She Sure Like the Bone
Woman: Shut up! Do you want to end up alone eating a bologna sandwich in the drunk tank?
--Ave A & 10th
Overheard by: Kira
Coworker to office: I love meatloaf. I would wear it on my head like a hat.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: The Secret Newsbunny
Woman getting in cab: Fatty Magoo! I'm going to eat the shit out of some ribs!
--24th & 7th Ave
NYU boy to friends: Wait! I'm looking at the wrong site...there's all different kinds of sausages.
--Kimmel Center, NYU
Overheard by: lollin.
Hobo: I don't like beef, I don't like chicken, I don't like ribs...I like pussy!
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: J J
Conductor: Everyone please step aside at the next stop and make room for fresh meat.
--L Train
Overheard by: ooshua
Or Just Looking for Some Cheap Horas?
Hasidic Jew: Excuse me, are you Jewish?
20-something film student: Why, you lookin' to party?
--Washington Square Park
I Think Mr. Cheney's Just Getting Old
Girl: Yeah, I'm pretty sure he has amnesia.
Friend: I guess that explains why he's falling asleep all the time!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Bernard
That's Obscene.
Little girl: Mommy! Mommy! How many times have I asked you for a brother?
Mother to friend: Yeah, she's been buggin' me about having a boy.
Little girl: Yeah! And we can name him David!
Mother: David? David? Hooooo, girl! Hell no!
--Staten Island Ferry
...About a Hooker.
Guy to friends: Guys. I need an attractive blonde, about this tall, from about 11:30 to 12:30 tonight. Know where I can find one?
(silence)
Guy: It's for a film!
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: queenofscots
As Forward-Thinking As the Stimulus Plan
20-something female to friend: If everyone would just pay a dollar, then we would be out of this stupid recession!
Friend: You pay a lot more than a dollar in taxes.
20-something female, frustrated: I know--but if everyone would just pay another dollar on top of it, then we'd be fine.
--39th & 5th
Overheard by: Laura PJ
She's Using It As a Purse Now
Hot girl #1: My grandmother's vagina fell out or something.
Hot girl #2: Like I hope that's not hereditary.
--50th & 6th
I Think They Were Talking About Hearing Aids
Teen girl #1: I hated those guys sitting behind us. I just wanted to bash their heads in!
Teen girl #2: What? The HIV people?
Teen girl #1: Wait...what?
--Paley's Museum of Radio and Television
'Cause Nobody Worries About Fashion
Long Island JAP: God, don't you think it's tough here? New York is so difficult.
Israeli guy: It can be.
Long Island JAP: I wish I could live in Israel, it's just so carefree!
--F Train
Overheard by: Carefree in the DMZ
Though I Guess I Should Stop Referring to Jersey That Way
Guy: Excuse me miss, do you know what time it is?
Girl: Uh... (checks phone) 10:06.
Guy: Thanks, I don't have a phone yet, I just got out of prison.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Megan in the Netherlands
Well That Explains the Crowds
Lost tourist, complete with map and camera accessories: Hi, can you tell us which direction Chinatown is in?
New Yorker in a hurry: Fool, are you out of your mind? You're closer to the real China all the way up here!
--104th & Broadway
Overheard by: Yummmmm Dumplings
So Can I Have an IPod?
Three-year-old boy to mom: Mom, I think I'm deaf.
Mom: What's that, honey?
Three-year-old boy: I'm deaf.
Mom: "Deaf" means you can't hear.
Three-year-old boy: Oh.
--Smith & Bergan, Brooklyn
Overheard by: makoshark
These Metaphors Have Been Rampant Since the World Was Introduced to Joe the Plumber
Girl #1: You're a leaky sink of sentiment.
Girl #2: What the fuck does that mean?
Girl #1: I don't know.
--Central Park
...In the Finest Restaurant Bathrooms.
Upstate jock #1: Dude, is there anything to eat in all of Manhattan?
Upstate jock #2: People don't eat anymore. They just do lots of coke.
--Inwood Hill Park
Overheard by: Mojojon
Don't Forget to Bite My Junk!
Preppy white guy: I'm sorry, but you can't.
Hippie white chick: Bite my junk, bitch!
Preppy white guy, sighing: Okay, I'll see you at dinner.
Hippie white chick: Later! Love you!
--Henry St & Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn Heights
I Knew I Used Too Much Product This Morning
30-something woman: I thought you lived in Jersey.
30-something man: Do I look like I live in Jersey?
--William St & Platt
Overheard by: Brunni
They Can't Even Drive You Anywhere!
Crying screaming Indian girl: I am so sick of this! I do so much for you, you mean everything to me and I am so sick of this! I was there for you! Nothing mattered to you!
Asian ex-boyfriend: Ummm...
Indian girl: And I am so tired of you choosing them over me. Always choosing the Asian girls over me! It never matters, because you always choose the Asians!
--NYU Silver Center
Why Would You Want to Break Up Such a Fabulous Spectacle?
Queer #1: Do you know the best way two break up a fight between two drag queens?
Queer #2: No, what?
--14th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Kelly Speich
...What Are You, a Terrorist?
College guy: Is that free cotton candy?
College girl: I don't know.
College guy: Oh no, you gotta pay for it.
College girl: Come on, let's go.
College guy: I don't even like cotton candy.
College girl: Then why did you make us stop?
College guy: Did you not hear me say "free"?
--St. Mark's Place
Wonder How Many Parents Are Naming Their Babies That This Year?
Black guy holding form: Name? I don't have a name.
Chinese guy, pumping fist in air: Obama! Obama! Obama!
--Bowery & Bayard
And the Fact That They're Douchebags Creates Lubrication
Dude in crowded subway car, to friend he's showing around town: That's why hipsters are all so thin, so they can move easily through trains.
Friend: So, is that, like, a requirement here?
Dude: Yeah, there's a practical reason for it.
--R Train
Overheard by: Morning Glory
I See Trashy People
Jersey girl #1: You know, I've always wondered how New Yorkers know when you're not from here.
Jersey girl #2: I know! It's like they have a sixth sense or something.
--Times Square
Overheard by: we just know
Headline by: Botticus
Runners-Up:
· "Close Your Map, Put the Lens Cap On, and I'll Tell You" - Mr. B
· "No, They Just Know How to Use the Other Five" - Carson B
· "Pidgins, Our Eyes in the Sky" - Nick Pollotta
· "The Secret Handshake, Busting Tourists for 150 Years!" - Double Pumper
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Just That You Look Better Drunk and in the Dark
Man on street #1: Yeah, so when I called her...wait, where are you going?
Man on street #2: I'm just going to walk over here into this shadow and pour myself a beer...don't stop talking, I'm still listening!
--11th St & Ave B
Overheard by: Virginia
...Because Clearly You've Met Mine.
Urban man with bubble jacket: How do you say "animal" in Chinese? I think it's "dungkun" or "dungkuk"?
Chinese woman: You mean...husband?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Tom Fickle
That's What You Said About Grandma Moving in with Us
Little boy, pointing at a subway: Mom, what's this?
Mom: A subway.
Little boy: What does it do?
Mom: It gives you a hard landing space if you trip down the steps.
--Wall Street
Because If It Was the Backs of Your Knees, I'm Intrigued.
Buff guy #1: So she was like "I wanna suck you."
Buff guy #2: Wait...like your dick, suck you, or something else?
--F Train
Nothing Beats Sashimi, Though.
Mother: What's your favorite vegetable?
Six-year-old daughter: I love grilled asparagus with olive oil.
--Central Park West & 80th St
Overheard by: Not a yuppie
And We Get at Least Three People a Day Claiming to Be Christ
Passenger, getting on bus and not swiping Metrocard: I don't gotta swipe. It's all set.
Driver: Oh, yes you do. Christ himself come on, he gotta swipe.
--Q32 Bus, Queens
Overheard by: Your friendly neighborhood Newsbunny
Why Do You Think I Went to Law School?
Law student #1: Are you applying for the TA position?
Law student #2: No.
Law student #1: Why not?
Law student #2: I'm not interested in helping people.
--Fordham Law School
Whereas San Francisco Girls Want to Do Both
Young European man: New York girls do not like to have doors held open for them.
Young European woman: New York girls either want to slap you or go to bed with you. Nothing in between.
--A Train
Of Course, He Drives Their Van.
Middle aged dude #1: My son has a black roommate, by choice. French black, but black just the same.
Middle aged dude #2: (silence)
Middle aged dude #1: He says the Asians are the funniest. He's in a band with some Chinese guys.
--Starbucks, Union Square
Overheard by: Tall Skim Latte
As a Nanny.
Mother to child walking strangely: What is this? I don't understand what you're doing!
Child: I want...lobster.
--Amsterdam & 108th St
Not Clay Aiken.
Black thug to friend: Yo, everyone's Irish on St. Patrick's day.
Drunk white girl: Is everyone black on Martin Luther King day?
--5th Ave & 49th St
If We Have to Bring in Earl Grey Himself
Husband: Then I can teabag you.
Wife: Wait. They go in my mouth. Wouldn't I be teabagging you?
Husband: My teabags, my act of teabagging.
Wife: That doesn't sound right.
Husband: Whatever. Teabagging will occur.
--Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Throwing away my cup of tea
That Way I Can Snack on It When I Get Bored
Girl #1: What does a brain tumor feel like? Cause I think I have one.
Girl #2: I don't know, but that's horrible.
Girl #1: Yeah, it would suck a lot. It just feels like there's a lump, in my brain. I'm really out of shape, though, so I'm hoping the lump is just another pile of fat building up in my bod.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: pomy
Also, I Kinda Need to Rob You Now
Deli counter woman calling name on sandwich ticket: Wave bandanna? (no response) Wave bandanna?
Young white guy: Oh yeah, that's me. I put down my rap name.
--Balducci's, 8th Ave & 14th St
Overheard by: Margo
Why'd That Kid Just Call You "Grandpa"?
Token booth man to teen: So you have no book bag, no ID, and no money? What grade are you in?
Teen: Eighth grade.
Token booth man: So why don't you have your books?
Teen: I spent the night at my girlfriend's.
Token booth man: So you have no book bag, no ID, no money, you're in eihgth grade,and you spent the night at your girlfriend's?
--Subway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mom in transit
NewsFlash: New Yorker "Tries to Be a Kinda Nice to People."
Nerdy guy #1 to barista: Thanks.
Nerdy guy #2, sincerely: Wow, that was nice.
Nerdy guy #1: Well, every now and then I try to be kinda of nice to people, ya know?
Nerdy guy #2: I hear that, heat on 'em and then beat on 'em.
Nerdy guy #1: Mmm-hmm.
--Starbucks
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