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You're on a Roll Today, Amber.
Teen girl to friend: We should, like, totally go out after this.
Friend: But we're not slutty enough to go to a bar.
Teen girl: Ooh! How about a sushi restaurant?
--LIRR
Overheard by: slut for sushi
And He Loved My Hugh-Grant-With-Parkinson's Impression
Bartender to drunken gay Brit: I'm sorry, sir, I can't serve you anymore. You've been chasing guys around the bar.
Drunken gay Brit: What? No, I haven't! It was just the one!
--Bar, Chelsea
Overheard by: No one's chasing ME.
From The Weakest Link: Classroom Version
Professor: So if we were to write a speech on the American Civil War, what could some topics be?
Student: The different countries involved?
--Pace University
Ever Seen a Big Rawhide Chew?
Asian chick: I was looking for dog toys.
White chick: And how'd you get from that to vibrators?
--Dallas BBQ, Chelsea
Overheard by: Saaaandwich?
The Name "Pinkberry" Encourages Such Speculation
Girl #1: I always wondered what it would feel like to be a penis inside a vagina.
Girl #2: Me too!
--Columbia University
I'm Gonna Marry That Girl Someday
Four-year-old-boy: And there was a girl. And she had rainbow hair, and rainbow clothes, and a tattoo that was a rainbow, and rainbow socks.
Mother: What about her?
Four-year-old-boy: She picked her nose!
--PATH Train
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
In His Little Electric Highchair
20-something: He said he murdered someone.
Friend: He's so cute!
20-something: I know!
--N Train
Which Is Four Million Times More Awesome
Pillow fighting girl to pillow fighting guy: Oh my gosh! Is that blood on your pillow?
Pillow fighting guy: No, I think I just hit a clown.
--NYC Pillow Fight 2009, Wall Street
Overheard by: Glory
Which Also Would Be a Pretty Awesome Band Name
Girlfriend: Spanish art is so weird.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Girlfriend: Those were some macabre motherfuckers.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
I Can Fix That; You'll Always Be Mean
Girl: You know, I used to think that Princess Diana was related to John F. Kennedy.
Guy: You're dumb.
--Barnes & Noble, Forest Hills, Queens
Overheard by: Rebecca
These Days, Don't You Lose All Your Street Cred for Saying, "Oh, Snap"?
Preteen thug to friend: Yo, nigga! What's crackin'?
Passing suit: Your voice.
Thug's friend: Oh, snap!
--Fulton St. & John St.
Overheard by: Annie B
Alex Trebek Is Oddly Irritating in His Downtime
Crazy hobo to man trying to ignore him: Did you know that Chinese has over 50,000 dialects?
Uninterested man: Wow, that's a lot...
Crazy hobo: And there are 18 provinces in Canada, not 4!
Uninterested man: You don't say...
(very long pause)
Crazy hobo: So, what kind of medication are you on?
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: Pete
She Was Like, "One Ringworm to Rule Them All"
Whole Foods employee #1: They called me and said some lady was in Whole Body licking all the the nail polishes.
Whole Foods employee #2: Licking the nail polishes? Shit. Well, there was this one time they said a woman was walking around with one shoe off, so I went to check, and she had some infection or some shit, and one foot was like...Hobbit-sized.
Whole Foods employee #1: Wow! So she had a Frodo-foot?
Whole Foods employee #2: Yeah, a Frodo-foot. That's when you just start banning people.
--1 Train
Overheard by: percivalundercover
Ooh, Awkward for Somebody, Huh?
Doctor #1: Who's taking care of [name of patient]?
Doctor #2: Not me, why?
Doctor #1: Nothing really, just that he's dead.
--Hospital, Manhattan
Overheard by: Lorenzo
Nice to Meet You, by the Way.
Girl #1: I want to go home with that guy. Do you have a razor?
Girl #2: No, sorry, why?
Girl #1: My coochie looks like a dead raccoon.
--Fat Baby Club, Lower East Side
It's a Law!
Indian hipster on cell: Yeah, man, no worries. I want to see you guys. I'll definitely finagle my way uptown somehow.
Crazy hobo, jumping alongside hipster: Yeah! You gotta finagle! How else would you get there? Finagle, man, you gotta finagle!
--Bowery & Broome
I Wondered Why You Broke Your Tampon in Half and Gave Me the Applicator
NYU girl #1: I have to stop sharing.
NYU girl #2: Why?
NYU girl #1: I was about to take my birth control and offer you one.
--NYU Dorm
Overheard by:
In the Presence Of These Girls, Boys Turn Gay in Self-Defense
Tall girl: My little sister started stinkin' already, an' she only in third grade. I ain't start stinkin' till the fifth grade. When you start stinkin'?
Short girl: I ain't never stink.
Tall girl, snorting: Sure. (pauses and thinks) Why does everyone say girls stink between our legs? I know I don'. I'm fresh.
Short girl: You know that girl, she opens up her legs in class and you can smell at that shit.
Tall girl, shrugging: I don't go around sniffin pussy.
--Q43 Bus
Overheard by: beeniebooger
And/or Your Hand in Marriage?
Cute 20-something Asian girl: I have a butt plug in right now.
Slightly older male college student: Can I have your number?
--34th & Broadway
And Then Ejaculated the Second He Put It On?
Hipster girl: So afterwards he was like, "Hold up. Can I just stop in quickly and buy a vibrating cock ring?"
Hipster friend: He did that to me too!
--7th & Greenwich
Overheard by: sounds like a good time
And I Have the T-Shirt to Prove It!
Teenage lesbian: Yes you are, you're the weirdest person I ever met. You think I'm going to invite other people over when we already have plans, and you masturbate even when you get no sexual enjoyment out of it!
Teenage lesbian friend: I am not a fapper!
--W 59th St & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: that must be terrible
Which Is Exactly What Playboy Said in Their Rejection Letter
Boyfriend: Well, what cup size are you?
Girlfriend: I'm like an A and a half and a B and a half...it sucks.
Boyfriend: So...that's a full AB plus one.
Girlfriend: You know you can't combine unlike terms!
--32nd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Kimberly
Now Where Will I Go to Get Drunk on Spring Break?
Guy: So she told me she was from New Mexico.
Blonde bimbo: New Mexico...what happened to the old Mexico?
--42nd St Shuttle
Overheard by: Chris
Who Needs Performance Art When You Have Hobos?
Hobo sitting on bench: Hey man, wanna buy some soap?
Yuppie: Nah... (walks away)
Hobo: Ma'am, would you care for some shoes?
JAP: Hell, naw. (walks away)
Hobo: Hey fella, want to buy some peanut butter?
Old Asian guy, happily: Yes, please!
Hobo: I'm sorry, brother, I don't have any on me. I just wanted to do some product research for a project I'm doing. (pulls out a roll of toilet paper and a sharpie, rips out one square of toilet paper, and writes "peanut butter")
--23rd St
That's What You Said About Denim.
Girl #1: Where is Jose, anyway?
Girl #2: Boyfriended.
Girl #1: Is that like an island or something?
Girl #2: No, it's a state of being.
--Manhattan Ave & India St
Tap It Lightly?
Vendor: Can I ask you a question?
Girl: No.
Vendor: Can I grab your ass?
Girl: No.
--Time Square
We Love This Kid
Mother to young son: If daddy asks you why mommy's upset with him, you say it's because he doesn't take care of her.
Young son: I ain't saying nothing.
--B Train
I Know a Great Place Around Here That Does Deliveries
Teenage girl #1: Oh my god, could you imagine having a baby, like, you know...inside of you?
Teenage girl #2: Oh my god, no! Eeeww!
Teenage girl #1: I know, right? But I would do it.
Teenage girl #2: You would? You wouldn't mind them cutting into you?
Teenage girl #1: They do that?
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, you get cut open. It's called a Sicilian.
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Brandon
It Was Just Time for That Calf to Be Born
Tall guy,holding his elbow: My arm was this far inside her.
Fat guy: Wow, that's a new record.
--Mott Ave, Far Rockaway
Correction: It Was in the 80's
Coked-out hipster girlfriend, loudly: And that's why I could never wake up for Pilates.
Hipster boyfriend: Julia. Turn the voice down. People are looking.
Coked-out hipster girlfriend: Well, I can't help the way my voice projects. I used to be an actress.
Hipster boyfriend: No, you didn't.
Coked-out hipster girlfriend: Well, I'm a model.
Hipster boyfriend: No, you're not.
Coked-out hipster girlfriend: I'm kind of a drug dealer.
Hipster boyfriend: Yeah. Which is so gay.
--Williamsburg Bridge
Nobody's More Bitter Than Ex-Gymnasts
Young girl: How old are you?
22 year-old girl: I'm 22.
Young girl: And you're pregnant!
22 year-old girl: No I'm not.
Young girl: Why do you have a big belly then?
22 year-old girl: Well you know, when you're my age, hormonal and stuff, you'll get fat. People will think you're pregnant when you're not, and you'll cry. So you'll eat tons of salads to make the belly disappear but it won't work and you'll be sad. That's all life's about. Don't grow up.
--A Train
Overheard by: Violette
Or Worse-- A Republican
Child, reading: Be...kind...to...furry...
Mom: A-ni-mals.
Child: Why?
Mom: You have to be kind to all animals, so people don't think you're crazy and a psychopath.
--Q Train
...But We Were Told There'd Be No Math in This Class
Professor: Wisdom goes: if you are looking to get married, and you can either choose a nine who is broke or a seven with a lot of money, you choose the...?
Students, without missing a beat: Seven!
--Hunter College
Michelle Was Also Amazed With the Ewok/Koala Exhibit
Fat preppy girl: Oh my god! Is that a rhinoceros? I didn't know they still existed!
Friend: Yeah, that's one right there.
Fat preppy girl: But I thought dinosaurs were extinct?
--Bronx Zoo
Headline by: JohnAustin
Runners-Up:
· "Apparently, You've Never Watched "The View"" - PeterG
· "No, Just My Faith in Our Education System" - Jeff
· "She Thinks That About Salads Too" - Tom
· "That Would Explain Why the Hippo Looked So Real!" - Pat
· "This Is a Creationist Zoo" - Coyoty
· "Why Didn't You TELL Me We're in a Museum?" - Emily Leonard
· "You're Confusing It With the Do-Ya-Think-He-Saurus" - Skug Skellum
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
In the Sense That She Stole My Wallet and Ran Off
Preteen boy #1: My new girlfriend told me to meet her there after school.
Preteen boy #2: Why don't you just call her and tell her you'll be late?
Preteen boy #1: I don't have her number.
Preteen boy #2: How is she your girlfriend if you don't even have her phone number?
Preteen boy #1: Cause I kissed her on the lips and she liked it!
--L Train
I Believe "Munchkinland" Is After "Mozambique" on the Shelf
Female customer: Do you guys have the Wizard of Oz?
Salesperson: Uh, I think that would be in "foreign."
--NoHo Blockbuster
Why Do I Feel Like I Need a Cigarette Now?
Man: You know...fuck that shit.
Woman: Chuck! I've never heard you use that word before.
Man: Oh, yeah? Fuck fuckin' fuckity fuck fuck!
Woman: Wow.
Man: Fuckin' motherfucker two-ball bitch! Let's get the fuck outta here.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Joanna Lin
Wednesday One-Liners Really Bug Me
Geek speedwalking through rush-hour crowd with hands over head: Parasites, parasites, parasites!
--34th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: it is what it is
African-American lady: The secret life of... What? Who's "bees"?
--Loews Kips Bay
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Woman: I'm a fruit fly. That's like a fag hag, only prettier.
--3rd & St. Mark's
Female suit on cell: We're dealing with racist ladybugs here.
--44th & Lexington
Overheard by: LP421
Yo Momma So Wednesday, She One-Liners!
Woman on cell: Oh, and by the way, I called my mother to thank her. (pause) No, I said, "Mom, I'm calling on behalf of me and the girls to thank you very much." (longer pause) Well, she can just go fuck herself then.
--90th & Amsterdam Ave
Man on cell: You know a guy really likes a girl when he takes her home to meet his mom...and you know what, Sheila? You ain't never gonna meet my mom.
--South Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: smfd
Female college student to friend: We really need to cougarize your mom.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Oh really
Guy: So, hey, my mom didn't die today.
--W 26th & 8th
Overheard by: Katie_AK
Girl sneaking into open conductor's room in front of the train: Next stop, your mother's asshole! Stand clear of the closing cheeks!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Adriana
Handbag seller on street corner: Yo! Tell yo mama I got her bag right here!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Taryn
Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm bussin' it for now, my mom's on this thing that I have to show her responsibility... I know, it's like I get up in the morning, I haven't gotten arrested in a while, and I have a job, what more do you want from me?
--Seguine Ave & Waterbury, Staten Island
No Wednesday One-Liner Left Behind
Rangers fan, about two players who are brothers: No, they're like the same age. They've gotta be like four or five months apart.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: helenathegreat
Blonde to blonde friend, looking outside from Legally Blonde theater: Oh, wow, it's still light out.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jaime and Bridget
Girl to friend: I don't even know how long ago one minute ago was.
--New Year's Eve, Times Square
Overheard by: Kristina
Girl, pointing to turkey walking around: Look at the peacock, it's so pretty!
--Central Park
Lady on cell: I told her she was an ungrateful b-i-c-t-h!
--14D Bus
Overheard by: Evan Wilson
Wednesday One-Liners Hope It's Just Like Riding a Bicycle
Douche on cell: I haven't had sex in 48 days and I feel like it's getting smaller. What should I do?
--48th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Jnaz
Really old man complaining to his wife: You'd rather watch CNN than have sex with me!
--The Water Club, 30th & FDR
Overheard by: Trying to have a romantic dinner date
Pretty girl on cell: Yeah, I got this really bad toothache...my gums are sore too. (pause)
What do you mean what have I been putting in my mouth? (laughs) Well, nothing exciting, that's for sure! Maybe that's the problem. My mouth's probably going on strike cause it hasn't been getting any action.
--F Train
Overheard by: I wouldnt have minded putting something of mine in her mouth!
Girl on phone: I mean, if I don't fuck him, who will? His bitch-ass girlfriend certainly won't. (pause) No, not even; she only got those piercings so she could put a fucking lock in it.
--L Train
Random guy outside bedroom window: Just because I won't sleep with you doesn't mean I don't love you!
--Union Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Casey
Wednesday One-Liners, Now With Delicious Credit Crunch!
Hobo, yelling to crowd: The stimulus plan won't work! The banks have no money! We need to stimulate the banks! You know how? Cocaine and hookers!
--53rd st & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Andrew
Professor: I knew the economy was bad when I saw Saks had layaway. Layaway is for Wal-Mart, not Saks!
--NYU Law
Guy on phone with mother: No, mom! I'm not going to walk on Wall St today. (pause) Because I don't feel like getting hit by a falling body, that's why.
--Broadway & John St
Asian metrosexual to friend entering clothing store: No, I wanna stimulate the economy!
--SoHo
Overheard by: Galatea
Cute young professional: I better be able to go into a bar and say, "I have a job, and it's recession proof. Wanna see what my bed and a Magnum condom look like?"
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Lindsay D.
Guy on cell: I'm telling you, when a place like that switches from Charmin to Duane Reade toilet paper, you know the economy is in the shitter.
--Great Jones & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Suffer the Heartache of Gringo Hips
Four-year-old girl to nanny: No, princesses don't get tickled. They just dance and get married.
--North Williamsburg
Overheard by: anti-feminist
White girl in hoodie: If I see any of the other girls there want to dance with you they'd better watch out, 'cause it's stab-a-slut Sunday.
--J Train
Short guy with greasy hair: Yo, this girl was like, "wanna dance?" and I was like "okay," so she started dancing mad good. She was grinding up against me with her ass.
--3rd Ave & 71st, Brooklyn
Gay guy on cell in long line during Circuit City closeout: Does it have speakers? Because I like to dance in my room, and I like to feel the music. It's really cold, so I like to dance in my room, you know?
--Circuit City, Union Square
Drunk girl to Guido she knocked heads with while dancing: I'm a drinker, not a dancer!
--Hook & Ladder Pub, Murray Hill
Overheard by: also a drinker
Professor: I'm of the personal opinion that anything counts for art. Take, for example, Nelly's "Hot in Here." We have an admonition of certain weather conditions and an entreaty for certain members of a demographic to react within a certain way, and a compliant voice replies, "I am getting so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off." This piece of art demonstrates how much easier life would be if getting a woman naked was that easy. And also, it makes me dance, and as we know, hips don't lie.
--NYU Bobst Library
Overheard by: queenofscots
Wednesday One-Liners Bring Their B Game
Sketchy guy to hot girl: Hey, baby girl, I like takin' long walks through the projects, sittin' on a park bench eatin' French fries... (she walks away) Hey baby, come back!
--Christopher & 7th
Guy to girl walking down the street: Hey you...I wanna get on your bus.
--125th b/w Park & Lexington
Overheard by: Reilly
Big dude to hot girl: Hey girl, come talk to me for a minute. (she stays still) C'mon girl, chubby thugs need love too.
--Franklin Ave & Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn
Black thug to white girls: I'm Barack Obama's cousin, wanna go on a date? (they pass) That's gonna be my new pickup line, yo.
--33rd St & 6th Ave
Guy, as a curvy woman struts past him: Shake what yo momma gave you...not what yo momma paid for!
--Shuttle Train
Overheard by: Meredith
Seton Hall jock, leering at female in next seat: Wow, this ticket has more holes in it than I've ever seen before!
--NJ Transit
Drunk guy to girl on subway platform, after Yankees game: I'm a classy guy! I will take you to the fucking Radisson!
--Yankee Stadium Subway Platform
Omg, Like W.O.L.s, Lolcatz!
Girl to another, loudly: Oh my god! Where the fuck were you this morning? I was about to text you, but I realized you couldn't text. And I couldn't text either! And you wouldn't pick up your phone! And I needed to talk to you! But I couldn't reach you! So I just like fucking sat there and screamed for ten minutes!
--B9 Bus
20-something male to friend: I am so MIA right now. I am MIA. Like, I text you, but I am MIA. Like, so many people send texts to me, and I'm just MIA.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: dallas
Girl leaving movie: Well, I'm sure she'll send out a mass text the second she has her baby.
--AMC Theater 19th & Broadway
Overheard by: Julie
20-something to another: Tiffany, I know I left Jason at the altar...but why didn't he text me back?
--1849 Bar, MacDougal & Bleecker
Laughing hobo to another: That is the funniest joke I've ever heard! You have to text that to me!
--St. Mark's Church, 2nd Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: cody
The Homogenization of Wednesday One-Liners
Gay guy to friend on phone: Oh my god, she's not answering her phone? She's having sex. If she's not answering her phone, then she is definitely having sex. Hang up now, because she's having sex.
--Union Square
Overheard by: 1-900-Leave-A-Message
Flamboyant gay on cell: And oh. My. God. Let me just tell you about the cock. The fucking cock. It was eight inches of fucking perfection. I swear to god! It was beautiful. And I was always thinking like, "He's so perfect, there has to be something wrong with him. He must curve to the left or something." But no. I want to take pictures of it.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Julia
Hot gay guy: I went shopping, got a 90-minute massage and then started drinking. It's been, like, the best day ever.
--Barrage, 47th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Flaming gay handler: I was going to wear my gold ankle booties, but I was afraid they'd clash with my Beagle's fur!
--Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Amber
20-something gay office worker: He's buying me a wok! I think it's for real! (pause) I'll chicken-fry his rice.
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: spf
Gay to faghag: So, you ready to go? We can talk about vagina at Lincoln center. (pauses, takes in her reaction) No? Too off-topic?
--Subway Restaurant, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: onelinerwonder
Genius Is 1% Inspiration and 99% Wednesday One-Liners
Suit on cell: You're stupid enough to swallow a condom but you're smart enough to know you can sue someone.
--69th & York
Overheard by: Eugene
Attractive tall Asian chick with purple hair on cell: There's no way I would be compatible with someone so much smarter than me.
--Joralemon & Columbia, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Awesome Mother Fucker
Effeminate young man to lady friend: I think you're street smart when nobody tells you you're street smart.
--C train
Father to son: You are so smart. You are going to be the leader of a cult someday.
--Thompson & Spring
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't the Brightest Pencils in the Shed
Guy, refusing to hold on to train pole: I'm trying to see how stupid I can really be.
--7 Train
Overheard by: jj
Train conductor: Next stop, 42nd. If you want to transfer to the e, I think it's running on the r, so get off next stop and walk to the r line. Don't be an idiot and wait for a train that ain't coming. Get off at 42nd and go to the r line.
--A Train
Overheard by: Amy
Chubby girl, passionately arguing on cell: I really believe Fabio is so not stupid. (pause) Seriously! He just has trouble...um...communicating.
--Outside Educational Housing Services, Clark & Henry
Overheard by: Blue Steel
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we have an idiot on board. He knows who he is.
--N Train
Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not Hot for Teacher
Teacher: Some of the answer choices people picked were really out there. I probably could've put peanut butter and jelly, and people would think, "Oh, damn, I'm hungry, I should pick that."
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Student
Teacher: Guys, no matter what happens, if you're absent on a test day you must bring in a note! I don't care if you're walking to school and suddenly the ground opens up and you're sucked into candyland--I need a note!
--LaGuardia High School
Overheard by: a note of chocolate?
Acoustics teacher: This only emphasizes how little I know about acoustics. Or rather, how little is known about acoustics.
--Cooper Union, Astor Place
Overheard by: a student is only as good as his t eacher
Teacher to little boy: You ain't gonna die just cause your leg got sprinkled on!
--L Train
Overheard by: Misshellee
Principal: I can see what you're doing...with this bouncing and the little hand on your hip...you're trying to undermine my authority with your bad posture, I can see exactly what you think of my administration.
--Bard High School Early College
There Go My Friday Night Plans
Genetics and evolution teacher: So as you can see, something like, say, a mermaid, couldn't possibly exist.
Student: God fucking dammit!
--The Beacon School
And the Women Are Just Indiana Jonesin' for Him
20-something guy #1: Every guy wishes Harrison Ford was his father at least one time during his life.
20-something guy #2: Oh, absolutely!
--Starbucks, 17th & 6th Ave
Watching Organic and Inorganic Chemists Dance-Fight Like the Sharks and the Jets
Professor, rolling up a blackboard to reveal a second blackboard that is covered in general chemistry: Oh god! Oh god...get it off! Ew!
(class laughs)
Professor: No, not the ideal gas law! We don't need that, we're organic chemists! There is no such thing as gas! No such thing as gas!
Student #1: Organic chemists are very sensitive.
Student #2: This is kind of tragic.
--Organic Chem Class, Barnard
Overheard by: Vicksburg
And Lots Cheaper Than Tennis Lessons
Six-year-old girl, with mace in hand: Look, mommy! A mace! Now I can hit unicorns and make them bleed. Death to unicorns!
Mom: That's great, honey.
--8th Ave & Carroll St
Ad: Have Some MSG, Not an STD!
Girl #1: Oh my god! That condom wrapper says "oriental flavor." What does that even mean?
Girl #2, looking at litter: I think that's a Ramon noodle seasoning pouch.
--Central Park
She'd Have So Much in Common with Them
Bro #1: Dude, I don't know, every day this week she's been upset. Crying about something, then apologizing...
Bro #2: Solid. You guys should make kids.
--4 Train
I'm Pretty Sure That Was Its Dead Mother's Hand
Lady who lunches #1: Did you see that sad picture of the little African baby on the cover of the Times today?
Lady who lunches #2: I know, it is terrible, but didn't you love the hat it was wearing?
--Crosstown Bus M79
Overheard by: TimNH
Because All the Maids Spoke Spanish?
Woman with nasal voice: I just really need to get out of here, I'd prefer to go someplace warm and interesting. But I don't know where it's warm and interesting.
Yuppie man: My boss--well, I guess I should say "my partner," cause I made partner...but it sounds so (sexual voice) homosexual to say "my partner randy"...anyway, he just came back from Argentina and he loved it.
Woman with nasal voice: Oh! I just went to Argentina, actually. And then to Uruguay. We went to this little town, it was pretty much the Hamptons of South America.
--Barnes & Nobles, E 86th St
Says the Guy in Crocs?
Old man: Give the woman your seat.
Young man: I'm not giving nothin' to no one in a North Face jacket!
--6 Train
Overheard by: DrNels
Why It's Important Not to Teach Teenagers Biology
14-year-old girl: I'm gonna kick her ass so hard her lip will be on his placenta.
Teenager group of friends, shouting: Yeah, kill that bitch.
--Times Square
And I Was Lovin' It
Relaxed professor, talking about his past: When I was younger my friends and I would go to McDonald's for the fries, and Burger King for the burgers.
20-something student: My grandmother told me she did the same thing!
Relaxed professor: Yeah, we dated.
--Columbia University
Also Why People Originally Started Wearing Crocs
Mom to nine-year-old son: Do you want anything?
Kid, looking at variety of candy: Mmmmmm, let me see, something no one will like, so I don't get bullied for it at school.
--Deli, Hicks St & Kane, Brooklyn
Conductor: "I Prefer to Think Of It As Whimsical"
(conductor closes subway doors on relatively empty train, preventing a throng of people from boarding)
3-year-old girl: Mommy, why did he do that?
Mother: Because he's mean!
--1 Train
Overheard by: M
Also How Girl Scouts Are Taught to Do Their Sales in New York
Woman #1: Do you want sugar cookies, or chocolate chip cookies?
Woman #2 (about 5 feet away, studying nutrition facts): Hmm?
Woman #1: Would you prefer fucking sugar cookies or chocolate fucking chip?
Woman #2 (coming over): What are you talking about?
Woman #1 (yelling): Which fucking cookie do you want?
Woman #2: Hm, you choose. (walks away)
--The Food Emporium, 48th St
Isn't That the L Train?
Conductor, over PA: We are having signal problems, so the e train is running every ten minutes, and very packed.
Hobo, yelling: Packed full of lesbians!
--E Train
Overheard by: Andrew
I'm on My Way to a Cover Girl Audition
Random guy to boy wearing fishnets and boxers: Yo man! I like your pants!
Boy: Thanks! They're really breezy!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Scarface
People Come to New York to Be Bad
Mother to yelling six-year-old son: Alright, that's it. You are not getting a gold star today.
Six-year-old son: I know, I've been bad all day!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: me too!
At Some Point I Became a Pay Site
Teen girl #1: So, how are things with Dan?
Teen girl #2: Pretty good. We video chatted for like an hour and a half last night.
Teen girl #1: That's awesome!
Teen girl #2: Yeah, I know. I wasn't wearing clothes but like I can't remember the last time I wore a shirt in a video chat.
Teen girl #1: Umm...
--KIKU, Park Slope
See the Hairs?
Man: Oh no, someone didn't pick up after their dog.
Woman: That's a scrunchie.
--88th & Broadway
You're Probably Thinking Of Lox
Law student #1: How about we send her a fruit basket?
Law student #2: She's not Jewish.
Law student #3: You don't have to be Jewish to appreciate good fruit.
--Cardozo School of Law
Overheard by: Law Student
How the Rest Of the World Feels About Americans, Encapsulated.
Loud ghetto subway conductor: This train is going local. Local! Local!
(happy Latino couple bursts out laughing)
Latino man: Haha...loco! Loco!
--F Train
Overheard by: LH
Hey You Kids, Leave That Mannequin Alone
Girl: He's so awkward. He's a wallflower that stands in the middle of the room.
Guy: Yeah, he's awkward.
--109th & Central Park West
Headline by: Ron D.
Runners-Up:
· "Al Gore Gets Few Invitations" - Coyoty
· "Everyone Wishes Carrot Top Would Retire" - Emily Leonard
· "How It All Began: Hitler at His First Bar Mitzvah" - Nick Pollotta
· "She Realized Shortly Thereafter She Was Talking to a Parrot" - amp
· "That Is Just Jacob Dylan" - Bigwb
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
He's All, "Mommy! Mommy!"
Girl #1: You know that guy who always follows me around?
Girl #2: Yeah!
Girl #3: I wish I knew his name.
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Could it be Mulva?
So I'm Still Putting It on My Resume
Preppy guy: But it doesn't mean anything!
Preppy friend: I don't care. I'm still fergiliscious.
--W 75th St
We Could Even Go Out on a Crazy Limb and Serve Snacks!
Male yuppie #1: Let's open a bar with home-crafted beer--microbrews!
Male yuppie #2: That would be awesome, man! No one's ever done that before!
Male yuppie #1: I know!
--Blind Tiger, West Village
Overheard by: Are you sure?
Candice Is the Store's Dirty-Old-Man Monitor
Random old dude #1: You shoulda seen how this girl was lookin at me.
Random old dude #2: Oh, yeah?
Random old dude #1: Yeah... I swear, she was standing in the literature section. Hell, the only thing she knows about Dickens is the first four letters of his last name, as in "She needs some dick!"
Enthusiastic shop girl: Hi, are you doing okay here?
Random old dude #1, embarrassed: Uhhh...sorry.
--St. Mark's Bookstore, Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: manishm
Have You Been Talking to Mommy's Divorce Lawyer Again?
Five-year-old boy, smiling: Daddy, guess what.
Father: What?
Five-year-old boy: I do not love you. (giggles uncontrollably)
--Penn Station, NJ Transit
Overheard by: Jenn
Dr. Ruth Was a Challenge to Raise
Little girl, peeking under shower curtain: Hi!
Lady in shower: Hi!
Little girl, pulling back shower curtain: Hiiii! Wow! Mom! Come here! You need to see this!
--Dodge YMCA Locker Room, Brooklyn
...When People Have Written Phone Numbers on Them.
Girl #1: Don't ask me, I'm computer e-literate.
Girl #2: E-literate?
Girl #1: Isn't that a word?
Girl #2: It's "illiterate."
Girl #1: Well, I can still read palms.
--City College of New York
Since I Gave Him My Number and Squeezed His Package
Elderly female employee, out on smoke break: So I met this gentleman at the coffee shop the other day.
More elderly woman: How do you know he was a gentleman?
Elderly female employee: I don't, but I sure hope he's not.
--CVS Pharmacy
Do I Have to Pass a Test?
Three-year-old: Dad, it's raining!
Dad: You're three years old. You don't even know what rain is.
--1st Ave & 4th St
Also Gives Handjobs With His Pinky Extended
Gay man to boyfriend crossing street: Hurry up!
Boyfriend: I am running elegantly!
Passerby to friend: Look at that guy! He takes such long strides! He runs like a gazelle!
--24th & 5th
Overheard by: amused
I Spent a Semester Abroad There
Suit: Have you ever been to Ali Baba's?
Brunette: Ew, why would I go there?
Suit: I don't know, I heard the food is good...
Brunette: Oh! Ali Baba the restaurant? I thought you meant Ali Baba the country.
--34th St
Smell It!!!!
Boy, holding fistful of brown substance to mom's face: Smell it!
Mom: No.
Boy: Smell it!
Mom: No.
Boy: Smell it!
Mom: No.
--W 12th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: NYC Maven
You'd Probably Have to Put Out, for Something Like That
Professor: You should go to Trump Towers and pretend to be a prospective buyer, and tour the rooms.
Student: Will they pay for my lunch?
Professor: No.
Student: How bout a scone?
Professor: We're in a recession.
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Alexandra Bailey
Let's Just Say I Was Impressed with All Of His Noodles That Evening
Girl #1: He made the most amazing spaghetti bolognese.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah, I was so impressed, I slept with him.
--Campbell Apartment
Ladies and Gentlemen: Our Future.
High school thug girl #1: Yo, I want to get something pierced.
High school thug girl #2: That'd be so cool, yo. But what'd you get?
High school thug girl #1: When I have a daughter I'm gonna name her "bitch".
High school thug girl #2 (after quiet contemplation): Bitch...yeah...that'd be cool.
High school thug girl #1: I guess I'd get my nose pierced.
--Q Train
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