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Parents Do Self-Pity Better Than Kids-- More Material
Kindergarten-age boy, getting off of elevator: Last night I had a dream, and it was so scary, when I woke up I couldn't talk.
Harried dad, getting into elevator, muttering: Welcome to my fucking life, kid.
--Columbia School
Overheard by: Tell me about it
Over Seizure Salads
Drunk middle aged lawyer: Okay, okay, here's one...what's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
Sober man: I'm afraid to ask.
Drunk middle aged lawyer: One shucks between fits! Haw haw haw haw. (stumbles off).
Sober man to puzzled-looking woman: I'll explain it to you later.
--Alumni Cocktail Party, Brooklyn Law School
Overheard by: Big Larry
Then Pull Up Your Pants, Sir.
Crazy old man: Was I fucking talking to you?
Young hoodie: Yo man, you need to calm down.
Crazy old man: Don't you fucking talk to me!
Young hoodie: Step off son, step off.
Old guy, a few seats over: Hey! (points at both men, who stop and stare) Chilly willy everybody, chilly willy.
--C Train
Overheard by: Mr. Nightingale
I'm Going to Love Being Married to You
Yuppie 20-something #1: So what'll we do if there's extra money?
Yuppie 20-something #2: We'll just spend it on getting drunk!
--Outside Chelsea Market, 16th & 9th
Mr. Miyagi Will Be So Disappointed
Girl #1, singing loudly: We're waxing yoooour vagina! We're waxing yoooour vagina!
Girl #2: I'm gonna wax *your* vagina.
Girl #1: No!
--23rd St b/w 8th & 9th
Overheard by: netdpb
My Piano Lessons Are Boring in Comparison
Boy #1: Dude, I got Foley this weekend.
Boy #2: Dude, that's awesome. How was she?
Boy #1: She didn't know what she was doing, but the sex is going to be fucking awesome.
Boy #2: Dude, good for you man.
--78th St Bus Stop
Sigmund Freud Drives a Bus?
Obnoxious girl singing Spice Girls loudly: Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want..
Bus driver, over mic: What d'you want?
--Q34 Bus
Overheard by: Donna
ZZ Top: She's Got Legumes, She Knows How to Use 'em!
Friend #1: It smells like green beans on this train!
Friend #2: Your mom smells like green beans.
Friend #1: (pauses) I know.
--F Train
I Just Wondered How You Got Blue Ink on Your Tongue
Hipster dude: So what was the special going away gift he gave you?
Hot Latin chick: He let me sign his nuts this time! He's so fucking hot.
Hipster dude: Um...this time?
Hot Latin chick: Yeah, for my birthday I signed his penis.
Hipster dude: Stupid question...did you do anything else with it?
Hot Latin chick: Dude? I'm not a slut! ...jeez, man.
--Bar, Williamsburg
Overheard by: likethisstupid
If It Conflicts with the Barney's Sale, We're Gonna Have a Problem
Elegant woman in business suit: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I just wanted to let you all know that Jesus will be arriving soon.
Tired worker: Sure lady, one moment. Let me get out my datebook.
--6 Train
Overheard by: hunterboy
My German Friends Tell Me What They Are
Employee in fitting room: You all just cut those women in line.
Woman in line: No, they said that they weren't in line. Right? Isn't that what they told all of you too?
Employee: But they were here before all of you in line now, you can't cut them.
Woman: They said that it was okay. I wouldn't just jump ahead of people. I'm Italian, but I do have limits.
--Loehmann's, Upper West Side
Says She Won't Give Up the Latex
Chick #1: I was really surprised. I thought your mom would do it.
Chick #2: You tried to get my mom into a leather fashion show?
--Broadway & 113th St
Overheard by: Nooner
Warm Women Are Scarce in New York, Anyway
Creepy patron: How's the cheesecake?
Bored waitress: It's as close to heaven as you can get!
Creepy patron: Well, people have different interpretations of heaven.
Bored waitress: (says nothing)
Creepy patron: Mine's a warm woman.
Bored waitress: Well, we're not serving those today. Just cheesecake.
--Village Bistro
In San Francisco, All the Dirty Lumps Are People
New Yorker: That's melted snow.
Female Asian visitor: What? But it's so dirty. It doesn't look like snow at all.
New Yorker: It's mixed with the dirt.
Female Asian visitor: Oh, I thought it was a dead dog!
New Yorker: What? Are you crazy?
Female Asian visitor: Wait. I need to take a picture of this.
--Midtown
The Joker Got Fired from Every Job He Attempted
Student: Could you go over question number 3?
Professor, laughing maniacally: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Student, questioningly: Ha ha ha ha?
--NYU
We Blame the Non-Honors Chemistry
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Do not hold the doors.
Crackhead holding doors: Suck my dick. I'm in the mob. I'm mobbed the fuck up.
Conductor: For those who continue to hold the doors, if I see you, police will be called. It's rush hour, people need to get where they're going.
Crackhead holding doors: Shut the fuck up. I went to Cornell, motherfucker. Suck my dick.
--Uptown 2 Train
Overheard by: ED
Your Editors Hate Racial Slurs, but Love Accuracy
Russian girl: Yo, this tip is crooked.
Asian nail tech: It not crooked, you Russian girls always complaining.
Russian girl: Stupid gook!
Asian nail tech: Oh, at least you get slur right! Everyone always "Chink! Chink!" I'm fucking Korean!
--Asian Nail Salon, 86th St
A Dirty Look at the Very Least
Big black guy selling CDs: Hey, pretty lady...you like black people?
Girl: No.
Black guy: That's so cold.
Girl's friend, whispering loudly: Did you just say no? He's going to shoot you.
--Herald Square
Overheard by: i dont like them either
Um, in English Literature.
Girl: Would you be mad if I became a dominatrix? It's not like I'd let the guys go down on me. It's a better option than prostitution.
Guy: Or you could just *not* do sex work, since you have a PhD.
--St. John's Place, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Eavesdropper has become eavesdroppee!
The Coolest Part Is, She Can Make It Smile.
Drunk girl on corner, to friend coming out of McDonald's: Did you go pee?
Drunk girl coming out of McDonald's: Yep.
Drunk girl on corner: Vagina happy?
Drunk girl coming out of McDonald's: Vagina happy!
--Fulton St. & Gold St.
Overheard by: the fundamental question
When I'm Really in the Mood for a Closed One Today
Man: I'm not going to have this conversation with you!
Woman: Why not?
Man: Because that's just setting myself up for an open-ended ass kicking.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Blueshmoo
Maybe Wallpaper the Fortress Of Solitude
Security guard #1: Yes sir, yes sir, I am definitely gonna put my pimp foot forward, yes sir, and then I'm gonna go home and change into my Superman outfit...and drink some coffee. Yes sir!
Security guard #2: Mmhmm!
--116th & Amsterdam, Columbia
Overheard by: camillia*
Why You Shouldn't Bitch in Front Of Your Kids: Encapsulated
Little boy: Ow!
Harried-looking mother: What?
Little boy: My ovaries hurt.
--N Train
And I Needed Extra Room for My Toil and Trouble
Girl #1: Why am I holding your bag?
Girl #2: Because it was constraining my bubble!
--E Train
Overheard by: olivejuice
We Ivy Leaguers Can Afford to Kill Ourselves with Cocaine
Professor in stuffy room: Someone open a window.
Student: We're on the fifth floor; they don't open.
Professor: I don't understand why they don't unlock them. No one is going to kill themselves. We're not NYU.
--Columbia University
Why Wearing Headphones Is So Popular in This Town
Pretty young lady: Oh no, I hope that crazy guy doesn't try to hit on me.
Crazy guy to girl: Fuck you, pig! I hope you die, bitch!
Pretty lady's friend: I love this city.
--East Village
All the Webcam Viewers Laugh, Though.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Want to see comedians?
Passer by: No.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Why not? Everyone loves to laugh!
Passer by: Still no, leave me alone.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Well, if you don't like laughing, what do you do with your spare time?
Passer by, fed up: Masturbate!
--42nd & 8th
I'm Not Just Her Attorney, I'm Also a Client
Suit to suit friend: That's so nice of her, to pick you up at one in the morning. You just asked her to come get you?
Suit friend: Yeah, I called her and I was like "hey, babe can you come get me? I got out of work late. Just wake the baby and bring him in the car." Twenty minutes later she was there. With divorce papers she had been working on.
Suit: Well, at least she picked you up, bro.
Suit friend: Very true.
--12th & 5th
Overheard by: Sarah
Does My Outfit Look Like I Got Dressed Sober?
Hobo to young woman holding coffee cup: How can you be happy? There's no vodka in that cup!
Young woman: How do you know?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Ashley
And Pro-Life
Lesbian #1: Oh my god, you so don't even have any Republican friends!
Lesbian #2: Yes I do...what about John?
Lesbian #1: He's not your friend. He just flirts with you on Gchat.
Lesbian #2: Oh my god, he so doesn't. He's had a girlfriend for three years. (pause) Plus, he's gay.
--East Village
178.
Young man: So I told her, "shut the hell up, you fucking bitch!"
Older woman: Jeez, how many times can you be in a homicidal rage over musical theater?
--A Train
Overheard by: Kelly
Like I Said, Three Kids
Woman: You think that's bad...I did blow off my boyfriend's rock-hard abs on my kitchen counter...and I'm married with three kids.
Friend: Did he do blow off your boobs?
Woman: No...it'd fall off!
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Victoria
What? I Read Lips.
Drunk ass guy #1: (mumbles something drunk)
Drunk ass guy #2: What?
Drunk ass guy #1: (mumbles something drunk again)
Drunk ass guy #2: I can't hear you...I have a lazy eye!
--Gym Bar, Chelsea
He's Not Allowed Back at the Sperm Bank for the Same Reasons
Crazy dude: Hey, can I have a sample?
Barista: I'm sorry?
Crazy dude: A sample of your coffee.
Manager: Sir! I told you last week not to come in here anymore.
Crazy dude: Huh?
Manager: Don't you remember when you threw a cup of coffee, hot coffee, at one of my baristas?
Crazy dude: No.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Flea
Headline by: drkipper
Runners-Up:
· "I Was Just Venti-ng" - fuvvcckkk
· "In His Defense, No One Else Thinks That It's Really Coffee Either" - Peter G.
· "Naomi Campbell's Lesser Known Brother Strikes Again" - Jakal
· "The Sequel to "Memento" Lacks the Narrative Drive Of the First" - Toby
· "You Should See What He Did at the Sex Shop Down the Street" - Charlie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Sorry About Your Earthbound Wiener
Nonchalant nerd, passing by vendor's booth: I like your space titties.
Shocked sexy space-suited booth babe: Oh, thanks. I like them too.
--Jacob Javits Center, ComicCon
Overheard by: Rob
It's All About Chemistry, People
Professor: Once I was in the kitchen with a friend who was cooking, who had messed something up and I made a chemical suggestion to help her fix it. It worked. I ended up marrying her.
Whole class: Awwww!
Professor: We ended up getting divorced.
Professor: I am married again! (shows ring finger)
--NYU Building
That's the Last Time I Buy an Invisibility Cloak at Forever 21
Man, almost bumping into hobo: Oh, excuse me.
Hobo: What!? You can see me!?
Man: Yes.
Hobo: Fuck! My invisibility wore off!
--120th & Amsterdam
Anthony Michael Hall: "Can I Borrow Your Wednesday One-Liners for 10 Minutes?"
Professor: They make disposable everything these days. Disposable diapers, disposable razors. They even make edible underwear, don't they? (class is silent) Yes! They do! (pause) Maybe I'm telling you more about myself than I should be...
--Wagner College
Girl: Wait, my panties!
--Franklin St
Guy on phone: I told you to take your thong off!
--60th & Columbus
Man: I do not want to know your bra size! Ever!
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Christina M.
Guy on cell: He wore boxers and it was like, "okay, so you hang to the left..."
--W 46th St
Older gentleman to lady friend: If this keeps up, I'm going to have to start wearing underwear.
--14th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Kat
The Make-a-Wednesday-One-Liner Foundation
Lady on phone: Well, I wish I could get the fat removed from my back but we can't all get what we want, can we?
--Target
10-year-old child with mother and younger siblings: I wish I could get a diaper...
--K-Mart, Astor Place
Random smoking kid: I really wish I could smoke out of my ass.
--Lincoln Center
Girl crossing the street: I really wish something would hit me...I need some money.
--Times Square
Overheard by: 3 day tourist
Girl, after receiving gift: This is...this is so great! I'm so happy! Oh, man! I...I wish you had a little penis so I could give it a rub right now!
--Barnes & Noble, Park Slope
You've Got Some Set Of Wednesday One-Liners on You, Buddy!
Woman on cell: I'd love to watch football with you. I'll even hold the balls.
--92nd & Lexington
Boyfriend to guy sitting between him and his girlfriend: Hey man, can you slide over? I need some ball space over here.
--Uptown 4 Train
20-something chick: I aim for as many balls as possible.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Meister
Woman to male Target employee: Do you have balls? (brief awkward pause) Like playing ones...
--Target, Queens
Mother to kids: Okay, raise your hand if you don't have balls! (group of boys eagerly raise their hands)
--LIRR
Overheard by: Chadwick
Does a Wednesday One-Liner Shit in the Woods?
Puzzled guy on cell: What kind of girl calls you a "cuddly wuddly bear" and doesn't go out with you?
--The Village
Overheard by: Greene
Hobo: Hey there, folks! I'm Yogi Bear! Have you seen Ranger Rick?
--Gray's Papaya
Overheard by: Zach
Woman on cell: I'm glad the evil bear didn't kill you in your sleep!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Drunk girl to sober companion: Oh my god, I saw this dog the other day. It was a bear!
--Tick-Tock Diner
Outraged girl on cell: She's anti-polar bear?
--NYU Campus
Overheard by: nina
Wednesday Has His Cake and Eats One-Liners, Too
Teen on cell: Man, it's really hard to be bi-curious around gay guys you don't like.
--L Train
Older gay man: Oh, it must be wonderful to be bisexual! I mean, bilingual.
--69th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ana
Girl to friend: My boyfriend is bi. I told him I didn't want him making out with other girls. Other boys are fine, because they don't kiss on the mouth as much.
--Europa Cafe, 53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Sam
Large black man on cell: Yeah, you know, baby, this is the city. Eeeeverybody's bisexual!
--Battery Park
Overheard by: Modern Guilt
What's So Great Aboot Wednesday One-Liners, Eh?
Man on subway, about to exit: Obama, Islam, Canada. Obama, in Islam, and Canada. (exits train)
--Downtown D Train
Overheard by: katiekatydid
Thug to tourists: How do you say "thank you" in Canadian?
--34th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Fluent in Canadian
Student: I'm so sick and tired of your Canadian condescension.
--Eugene Lang College
Crazy Brooklynite at a payphone: The Queen owns everything! She owns Europe, she owns Africa, and she owns Canada! The one thing she doesn't own is the US. So could somebody give me a US quarter for a Canadian quarter?
--Broadway & 8th St
Ditzy blonde to another: Do we look Canadian?
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Holls
The Rail World: Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a slight signal problem ahead of us. There are several supervisors working to flip a coin and decide how we should proceed. Once they work that out, we'll be on to 125th Street, and it should be smooth sailing from there.
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Melissa
Conductor: Do not shove! Stand clear of the doors! Ladies and gentlemen, there is another train directly behind this one. Look, people, we have to work together. If you get pick-pocketed, molested, or rubbed the wrong way, you only have yourselves to blame!
--6 Train
Overheard by: wondergirl
Conductor over intercom, after train stops: Stay calm, people. We are not going down. Repeat: this is not the Titanic, we are not going down!
--3 Train
Overheard by: C
Conductor: This train will now be running express so I suggest you get on this train... Hey you! Sitting on the bench! Get on this train now!
--R Train
Overheard by: kinda scared
Train conductor over loudspeaker: Good evening, Heather.
--Stamford-Bound Metro North Train
Overheard by: Dianachka
Conductor: Attention passengers, this is the almost always delayed 6:18 express train to Long Branch. If you were inconvenienced by the delay, shame on you, you should know New Jersey transit never operates on schedule.
--NJ Transit
Conductor: This is 7th Avenue, just three blocks from the 4th Avenue stop. You could have walked!
--F Train
Six Wednesday One-Liners Under
Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?
--Time Square
HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.
--Broadway
Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?
--7th & Carroll, Park Slope
Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.
--8th St & Broadway
Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.
--4 Train
Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Cori
Even Oprah's Tried Wednesday One-Liners
Guy sitting at bar: I live in the ghetto. And there's a lot of crackheads. But I'm not attracted to them.
--Mojito Loco, Brooklyn
Crackhead to gay boy: Yo, gay boy! When a crackhead asks you a question you answer!
--110th St Station
Guy to friend: The only reason I quit cigarettes was because crack ended up being cheaper.
--NYU Bobst Library
Girl on cell: Well, it's a good thing you didn't buy that crack then. (pause) Oh.
--Columbia University College Walk
How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?
Young man: You're fat because you need to release. Look at me, that's why I'm slim and sexy. I beat off every day.
--Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Salesgirl to salesgirl friend: I wanna thank you for taking the time to repeatedly hit me in my arm fat and make it jiggle.
--Henri Bendel
Overheard by: Stephan Dion
Professor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around classroom and notices there are some fat girls) ...mostly.
--Fashion Institute of Technology
Suit to another: All I'm trying to say is, she's not tall enough for her weight.
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: ednapontellier
Black girl: Fat people can do splits because they have no bones.
--Pizza Place, St. Mark's Place
Five-year-old to very overweight man while waiting for Thanksgiving Day parade: Are you one of the balloons?
--Broadway & 50th St
Overheard by: Peter
Is It Sick That I Wednesday on Their One-Liners?
Guy on phone: It's probably something beyond the bestiality in why you didn't get hired.
--4th & Lafayette
Overheard by: andy
Disembodied voice in crowd: Necrophilia, really?
--Times Square
Man: The thing is: my safety word is "No, harder, harder."
--NY Comic Con
Girl: No, seriously, my parents used to have like a harness and a leash for me, because I used to run away in the airport all the time.
--Fordham Law School
Girl to friend: Hot wax and genitals...either very good, or very, very bad.
--1st Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: Will
Guy: Great. She doesn't even know me and already she thinks I have a produce fetish.
--Whole Foods, Chelsea
Overheard by: Hunter (aka,
Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm
Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.
--Brooklyn
Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?
--Bowling Green Station
Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!
--Union Square
Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!
--Outside Starbucks
Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?
--Q Train
Overheard by: Robert G.
Or Do I Know You from Right Girl's Island?
Asian lady in geisha costume, passing out fliers: Lunch specials, grand opening, fresh sushi!
Black dude: Excuse me, but me and my friend had a bet...are you dressed like girls from the movie Memoirs of Engagement?
--53rd & Lexington
Overheard by: An
I Forget-- Is Positive Good or Bad?
Cute girl #1: You opened her mail?!
Cute girl #2: No... Jesse opened it. He thought it was one of those stupid dentist card things they send in the mail.
Cute girl #1: At least you'll have a conversation starter next time you talk to her.
Cute girl #2: Oh, yeah. What am I suppose to say? "So, your pap/cervix test was positive?"?
--Bay Ridge
And Why Are You Wearing That Silly Human Suit?
Suit to man with cat on his head: Why is there a cat on your head?
Man with cat on his head: Why isn't there a cat on your head, douchebag?
--Union Square
I Will Now Proceed to Hum, "It's a Small World After All"
Post office girl to customer ringing bell: Holding the bell down ain't gonna make them come any faster.
Customer: I know, but at least it will annoy the fuck out of you.
--180th St. Post Office
American or Australian?
Breakfast cart guy: Do you have change for a $5?
Customer: No, sorry.
Breakfast cart guy, to hobo under blanket: Do you have singles for a $5?
Hobo: Me? Why are you asking me... (stops to think) Wait...as a matter of fact, I do!
--3rd Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: Hunter
Possibly a Rudeceratops
Little kid, after passenger belches: Mommy, is that man a new dinosaur species? He sounds like it.
Mom: No, he's just rude.
(subway doors open and the passenger departs)
Little kid, yelling from the door: New species! New species!
--R Line
...Whether They Wanted Them or Not
Guy: You used to give everybody handjobs.
Girl: I was the master. I didn't know I was that good until I was giving them to everybody.
--Burp Castle, 7th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: I didn't get one
Translation: Nobody's Texting Me
Jappy girl #1: Oh god! I just got a text from Jason. I want to write back something very biting and sarcastic. What about "shouldn't you be with your girlfriend right now?"
Jappy girl #2: (silent)
Jappy girl #1: Too much?
Jappy girl #2: I don't care.
--7th St & Ave A
Overheard by: gregor
Guess That Explains the Cloven Hoofs
White girl to boyfriend: I want to go to my father's country one day...I want to go where my father was born...Hades.
Boyfriend: Where?
White girl: Hades, I wanna go to Hades where my father was born...you know, that little island in the Dominican Republic?
--PATH
My LCD Screen Is More Of an "Entertainment Experience"
20-something girl: So yeah, I'm finally going to the gym today.
20-something guy: I stopped going to the gym years ago. I have a Wii fit.
20-something girl: Cool. How's that working for you?
20-something guy (as if it were obvious): Oh, I don't have a tv.
--21st & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex
Men: *Shudder*
Girl to no one in particular: I want to have sexual intercourse with you.
Friend: Sexual intercourse sounds like they want to put their balls inside your vagina too.
--172 St & Jerome
Overheard by: Emm
Nobody Trusts a Chubby Hobo
Guy from restaurant to hobo: Hey, do you want something to drink?
Hobo: Sure, what do you have?
Guy from restaurant: Pepsi, Coke, Sprite...
Hobo: Anything diet?
--75th & Broadway
Overheard by: uneditedtales
Alan Barely Recognized His Fairy Godmother Anymore
Hipster #1: You got cancerous tumor in my benign cyst!
Hipster #2: No, you got benign cyst in my cancerous tumor.
Hobo: Y'all both need to get y'asses to a fuckin' doctor!
Hipster #2: Do I know you?
--Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: Michael B. Isberg
Just Keep the Veil Down and Hope for the Best
Harried-looking maid of honor: You make the most beautiful blushing bride!
Bridezilla: I'm not blushing! I have rosacea!
--Ladies Room, Tavern On The Green
Overheard by: Really was blushing...
...From My Research with Gerbils.
NYU professor with thick french accent: What's that drug called?
Student: Viagra.
NYU professor with thick french accent: Yeah, Viagra. Studies suggest that it stimulates organs in both males and females. Trust me, I know it works on both.
--Washington Square South & LaGuardia Place
Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie Was Better in My Imagination
Tween: I just didn't think it would be so...gooey.
Tween friends, in unison: Ew!
--Barnes & Noble, Bayside
Overheard by: bookseller
Like, What Are His Political Leanings?
Charity volunteer: Would you like to sponsor this child?
Grumpy man: I got three kids at home, and besides, I never even met this bastard!
--Broadway at City Hall
Overheard by: Darrin
Obama Could Be the Name Of Our Llama
Woman to kid holding a "free hugs" sign: Hey! Where's my hug?
(kid hugs woman)
Drunk chick: There's so much fucking love, we should just buy a llama and it'll be like our llama, you know?
--W 4th St
And Welcome Back, Adam.
Professor, talking about Genesis: We covered the reason for loincloths last class.
Student #1: Wait, why was that again?
Professor: (silence)
Student #2: Adam had an erection.
Professor: Exactly. Thank you for cutting though the bullshit.
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Colleen
But I Didn't Even Get to the Part About Cones and Sex!
Drunk girl #1: I would eat a hot dog on a cone. I would eat mashed potatoes on a cone. And it would be delicious, because of the cone.
Drunk girl #2: They should put you away.
--110th & Broadway
Also Bernie Madoff's Prison Gang Name
AIG employee: Hey, did you see they took down the AIG building sign?
Friend: Why, because people were throwing eggs at it?
AIG employee: No, they are considering a rebrand of the name. AIU: American International Underwriters.
Friend: They should rename it "IOU."
--Metro-North Train
I Don't Know, You Keep Changing Your Fucking Story
Small giggly daughter: Daddy, do lions drink soda?
Father: Yes.
Small giggly daughter: Daddy, lions don't drink soda!
Father: No, they don't. Soda's bad for you...don't you know that, sweetie?
--D Train
Overheard by: Caitlin
Headline by: Emily Leonard
Runners-Up:
· "Children Get Confused When Their Daddies Are Always Lion" - Matt Wozniski
· "Fanta Bad...Antelope Good" - Edmond "The Lurch" Kida
· "Here, Hold on to Daddy's Cigarettes Like a Good Little Girl" - Katoe
· "Mastering Her Psychic Powers, Little Susie Soon Ruled the World" - Nick Pollotta
· "Nick Pollotta's Got This Rigged" - psh
· "There Goes the Narnia Product Placement Deal" - Baby
· "This Would Be Funny If He Didn't Have Alzheimer's" - Muse on the Loose
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Remember That Oath Your Kindergarten Class Took at Bloomingdale's
Precocious little girl: Mom, that lady is grooming the dog groomer!
Pretentious mom: That makes sense. Do you see how some of the dog show women dress themselves? Would you want to be caught dead in some of their clothes and makeup?
Precocious little girl: No.
--Westminster Dog Show Grooming Area
Overheard by: Wouldn't Be Caught Dead Either
But Aunt Beth Has the Best Jugs
Frat boy #1: Dude! Your sister is hot!
Frat boy #2: I know, dude...so is my mom.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Bone Cermark
Mission Accomplished
Guy #1: Yesterday I made some Valentines for my coworkers, and I made up little poems to go in them, to make them extra personal.
Guy #2: Like what?
Guy #1: "Roses are red, violets are blue, your cat chewed on my dick for a little bit, but I didn't know how to tell you."
Guy #2: Did you get any Valentines back?
Guy #1: No.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Emily Kidd
God Can't Bake for Shit
Little girl in stroller to mother: Who made my heart, who made it, huh?
Mom: I made your heart, and god did.
Little girl: Can I eat it ?
Mom: No.
Little girl: Why not?
Mom: It doesn't taste good.
Little girl: Yes it does! It tastes like cake.
--B Train
In Queens, If I Get My Way
Four-year-old boy: Dad, if I die, when will I come back?
Father: As far as I know, you won't.
Four-year-old boy, untroubled, thoughtful: But...what if everyone dies?
Father: Well, other people will take their place. Because everyone doesn't die at once. Know what I mean?
Four-year-old boy: Where will we put mom if she dies?
Mother, just arriving: Good grief!
Father: In the ground. In a box in the ground.
--Barnes & Noble
How the Citibank Takeover Actually Works: Explained
Hobo to four pretty girls: Hi ladies, how're you doing today?
Girls: Good, thanks, how are you?
Hobo: Just so you know, when I win my 171 million, I'm taking you all on vacation!
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Samantha
From the Outtakes Of Judy Garland's Scenes with the Tin Man
Man, painted completely silver, to lesbian: I'll cook you dinner if you let me eat you for breakfast.
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Adrienne
Ad: Kosher Toilet Paper-- We Answer to a Lower Power
Lawyer: And what do you sell?
Jury candidate: I used to sell diamonds. Now, in the depression...I sell toilet paper to religious people.
--Centre Street
If Ever a "Stimulus Package" Joke Were Called For...
Guy: You're not wearing any pants. We should have taken a cab.
Girl: We are in a recession, you can fondle me at home.
--50th St
Overheard by: Chris S
There Must Be a Cum-Smelling Person Following Me Around
Preppy girl #1: Is it just me, or does it smell like cum?
Preppy girl #2: Yeah, I guess...
Preppy girl #1: Good, I've been smelling it all day.
--N Train
God, I Miss Middle School.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, I was naked.
Tween guy: Why wasn't I there?
Tween girl #2: We were all taking showers together.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, I was drunk.
Tween girl #2: On champagne.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, I was raped.
Tween girl #2: Oh right, that was a fun night.
--Europa Cafe, Penn Station
Why Does This Sound Like an LSAT Logic Question?
Teen girl: They's your friends...
Teen boy: Is they my friends, or my friends' friends, or just some niggas I know? Get your terminology right.
--Chinese Restaurant, Brooklyn
Where She Can Buy a Paper Gown in One Of the Designer Boutiques
Guy #1: So did you take her to the hospital?
Guy #2: Nah, man, I took her to Brooklyn.
--Borough Hall
Overheard by: DRC
My Publicist Will Issue a Statement Later in the Ride
Bad lady, starting her speech: Ladies and gentlemen...
Conductor over speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no begging allowed on New York City subways. I repeat, there is no begging allowed on New York City subways.
Bag lady, looking nervous: I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, the conductor of the train and I do not get along.
--2 Train
Overheard by: Adam
We'd Be Out Of Business Otherwise
Girl leaving class: And then we took the contraceptive and put it on our face.
Friend: Boy, this conversation would be awkward out of context.
--NY Law, Worth & Church
Overheard by: Louie Q
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