Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
I'm Almost Done With That, Too
Guy: Maybe we get a whiteboard so you list out that day's issues before we get on the subway.
Girl: I'm done talking.
Guy: We weren't talking: you were making statements of what I do wrong.
--N Train
Squirrel: Bitch, I Will Fuck You Up
Tourist girl #1: Oh, look! There's a squirrel over there!
Tourist girl #2: Uh, yeah. We have those at home, you know.
--Central Park
Besides, Isn't the Rectum the Faggot Spot?
Guido #1, outside gay bar, putting arm around another: Are you aware that this is the faggot spot?
Guido #2: Get the fuck off me, man!
--Union Square
Overheard by: amused
Or Chicken Soup for My Shin Splints
Jogger #1: I heard some really good advice the other day. Apparently, the key to life is running and reading.
Jogger #2: Who said that?
Jogger #1: I think it was either Will Smith or Barack Obama.
--E Train
Overheard by: Philips
No Commercials
Preacher on street corner: Jesus is the only one that can save you!
Man sitting nearby: This is so much better than Comedy Central.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Spazz
I Prefer to Think That He Jumped Out Of a Cake and Yelled "Surprise!"
Foreign TA: I don't understand why they use the egg for Easter.
American TA: Oh, it doesn't really have anything to do with Easter, we just appropriated pagan rituals.
Foreign TA: I thought Easter is when Jesus was reborn.
American TA: It is.
Foreign TA: I thought maybe he was reborn out of an egg.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: MCLD
I See We're Keeping It Real
Teenage girl #1: We are getting older and going through puberty, we have a lot of new stuff to learn.
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, like you just taught me about keefing, or what was it queefing? Yeah, queefing.
--Central Park
The Cutest Quote We've Had in a While
Thug, cradling very small pit bull puppy: Oh man, I can't be bothered to train him to be tough. He's gonna be a cuddly mothafucka.
Girl, cradling different puppy: Word.
--L Train
Your Editors Aren't Eating Pizza in Brooklyn 'til We Sort This Out
Friend: Where's that pizza from?
Stroller dad: Tony's*.
Friend: Oh, Tony's*.
Stroller dad: Yeah. We named our rabbit Tony*.
Friend: Because it poops all the time?
Stroller dad: Yeah.
--Bar, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Not Flock-of-Seagulls at All!
Rushed girl to friend: Oh, it's 10:58, just going to make it. PS, Wendy, your hair looks great running!
--Elevator, 55th & 3rd
Overheard by: James Allen
What-Would-Jesus-Paint Parties Are Big in Williamsburg
Boy: It's like Jesus Christ, or Jackson Pollock.
Girl: Do you, like, know the people at this party we're going to?
--Union & Metropolitan, Williamsburg
Next to the Great Pyramid
British teen: My god, Americans are so stupid. And they're everywhere.
British mom: Oh, darling... I know, bloody morons. So stupid.
(a block later)
British teen: Mum, where's the Empire State Building?
British mom: Oh honey, that's in Chicago.
--7th and 48th
...God, I Miss Her.
Buff 20-something black guy: Yeah, she was that one I was going out with last summer.
Tall 30-something black guy: So what happened?
Buff younger black guy: She got fat! In like two weeks! And also, she was cheating on me: she never told me she hadn't broken up with her boyfriend at the time!
--Planet Sushi, Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
"Path Train" Is What She Calls Her Vaginal Canal
Drunk loud Jersey girl: Fuck you! Just go to the fucking PATH train, alright? (walks away angrily)
Drunker Jersey guy, yelling: I told you she wants to fuck me!
--Caroline's on Broadway
It Still Beats Unemployment, Though
Girl: My job is terrible.
Guy: Gimme a break, my job is so bad I wanna kill anyone who even looks at me...and half of the people who don't.
Girl: Okay, you win.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Dustin
Blame the Marx Brothers for This, Dear Reader
Five year old to dad: Look, dad, we're going over the bridge!
Dad to five-year-old son, in admonishing tone: Remember? It's not a bridge; it's a viaduct.
--F Train
Overheard by: 27 year old who thought it was a bridge, too
And I'm Sure They'll Give Him a Long Tube to Breathe through
Girl #1: So, my boyfriend's joining the Navy, but I don't want him up in the sky!
Girl #2: The Navy's underground, stupid.
--Marymount Manhattan College Library
Why We Avoid Staten Island: Encapsulated.
Maternal woman to 14-year-old girl: My, aren't you looking sexy!
Random creepy guy: She ain't wrong!
--Bayview Place, Staten Island
Overheard by: now I want a mental shower
Our Bad.
Security guard #1: I tolz him, if he looked at my woman again, I'd cut 'em in the dick. And he did, so I cut 'em in the dick.
Security guard #2: Aw, hell no! You can't just go around doin' that! I stabbed a dude once! But it was back in the 70s and I kept it way down on the downlow, no one ever found out.
--Harware Store, Upper East Side
Maybe Somebody Nice Will Kidnap You
Three-year-old girl, singing loudly: It's hot and it's cold, it's yes and it's no, we fight we break up, and kiss and make up.
Mom, sounding desperate: Please...please just go stand over there.
--Bathroom, Intrepid Museum
Or Have the Pigeons Grown Weary Of My Great Depression Stories?
Gramps: Those bags from the store...
(children and mother laugh).
Mother: You're talking very loud.
Gramps: What--are we in church? Did I wake somebody up?
(children and mother continue laughing)
Gramps: What did I do wrong? Should I go sit outside?
--Doctor's Office, Central Park West
Overheard by: Erick B
The Two Main Viewing Demographics Of Judge Judy
Woman: It's so nice to be retired...
Man: "Retarded?"
Woman: That, too.
--28th & 5th
Overheard by: EHL
It's Like a Hug from the MTA
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors.
Ghetto guy: Yo, they be closing those closin' doors on my dick!
--Uptown A Train
Overheard by: queenofscots
Ice? Egg? Shaving?
Burnout #1: Yo, is the Dove company that makes chocolate the same Dove company that makes like lotion?
Burnout #2: Man, what are you talking about?
Burnout #1: I'm just wondering. I was eating Dove chocolate the other day and it said it was "extra creamy." I'm just...ya know...what kind of cream you think they use?
--E Train
Overheard by: Moisturized Chocolate Lover
I Was Never Much One for Symmetry, Anyway
Female friend at bar: Why can't I find a man?
Male friend at bar: Why do I date nutjobs?
Female friend at bar: I'd take a nutjob... (long pause) Hell, I'd take a man with one nut!
--The Half Pint, W 3rd St
Overheard by: macdaddynyc
Instead Of a Caste System, This Barbaric Country Has Only Paninis
Indian employee #1, showing another how to work grill: So you just spray it with vegetable oil and then press down until it's brown.
Indian employee #2: How long?
Indian employee #1: Till its brown like me, not brown like you. Brown like you is too long. Like me, not you.
--Broadway
Robert Frost: The Lovely Shall Be Choosers, Shall They...?
Gangster kid to female friend: I don't care. I ain't goin' there early. Ain't nobody care.
Friend: But you have a test!
Gangster kid: I'm the sexiest guy in my bio class, so I can do whatever the hell I want!
--Marshak Building, City College
He's Still in the E.R.
Goth girl #1: Wow! Then what?
Goth girl #2: It was kinda like taking a big handful of mayo and squishing it around.
--Matt Umanov Guitars, Bleecker St
Overheard by: wait, what?
She'll Accept Anybody's Visa
Fashionista #1: Honestly, I think he would take whatever comes his way. He just wants to get laid.
Fashionista #2: And what? She's easy?
Fashionista #1: You know those European girls. She has an open-pussy-policy.
--E 86th St
It's a Brave New World, Hombre
Customer: Are these shorts with NYU on the back for men or women?
Male employee in ghetto accent: Miss, would you let your boyfriend wear that on his ass?
--NYU Bookstore
Overheard by: Adrianna
Collect Them All! Trade with Your Friends!
British girl: So you have gonorrhea. It's not like syphilis or anything.
Lonely 30-something: I have all of the American STDs. I need something more exotic.
--Harlem Line Metro North
Pagans Are Even Worse
Woman in stall to sneezing woman: God bless you.
Sneezing woman: I'm atheist!
--Public Bathroom, 34th St & Broadway
Overheard by: smal
Gay Parents: "Ahem?"
Male suit: I bet he's all about mommy, isn't he?
Female suit: Yep, he loves me.
Male suit: That's exactly what my daughter is like with me. She's daddy's girl all the way.
Female suit: Aw, that's so adorable.
Male suit: I don't even know what I'd do if I had a boy. Isn't it weird how men always have daughters and women always have sons?
Female suit: Yeah, it usually works out like that.
--42nd b/w 5th & 6th
That Depends - How Big Are the Shoulder Pads?
Girl #1: No, it's Terry Bradshaw, with a "t."
Girl #2: No, it's Carrie, with a "c." Carrie Bradshaw.
Girl #1: Um...no, it's Terry Bradshaw, you're wrong.
Girl #2: It's Carrie, with a "c." You don't know what you're talking about.
--St. Mark's b/w 2nd & 3rd
Headline by: narcoleptic
Runners-Up:
· "Hopefully Matthew Broderick Can Tell the Difference" - why do we care?
· "It's Not Sex in the NFL?" - Sandy Paws
· "Most Scores in a Single Season?" - Jen
· "One Is a Whore, the Other Had a TV Show on HBO" - 4 superbowls= tons of ladies
· "Wait, Are We Talking About the One Who Plays With Balls And Likes Being Tackled by Large Men, or the One on FOX NFL Sunday?" - Lee
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why Generic Names Are Bad: An OINY Short Story.
Female security guard: That was Jim Jones.
Male security guard: Jim Jones?
Female security guard: Jim Jones, he sings "Pop Champagne."
Male security guard: Jim Jones? That's that cult guy, down in uh... Guyana.
--MTV Lobby
You Were Supposed to Learn That In, Like, Kindergarten
White teenage girl to friends: I have two Asian cousins.
Friend: Why?
White teenage girl: Because Asians like Italian pussy, that's why.
--22nd St & Lexington Ave
And Neither Is Hummus
Girl: God, I was so mad at my mom, I wanted to dip her in a vat of hummus.
Boy: What the hell?
Girl: Yeah, yeah, that's what ancient Jewish rulers did to people they were mad at.
Boy: You're not even Jewish.
Girl: Oh, yeah. You're right.
--Upper East Side
Wednesday One-Liners Like the Moon
Overweight geeky lunatic protester: The perpetual battery will last longer than any of us! The perpetual battery is the answer to all of our energy problems! It will draw its power from the very vacuum of space!
--Union Square South
Overheard by: Percival
Crazy old guy with beard and hat with lots of buttons: Where is the moon? Where is the moon, where is the galaxy? Have you ever seen Men in Black? It's all about the galaxy. The earth is beneath Columbus Circle. The moon is at 64th and Central Park West. If you had to suspend reality, how would you do it?
--Uptown 2 Train
Overheard by: Jingles
Professor: Has anybody ever seen a solar eclipse? Anybody, anybody? (silence) No? Well, maybe we were all inside on Facebook when it happened...
--St. John's University, Staten Island
Overheard by: Andrea
Visiting professor, explaining "word salad": Cream cheese to the moon mother, fuckers!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Molly Moo
Obviously sober guy: I know Vikings eat ham, but what about Saturn?
--Rotating Cube Sculpture, Astor Place
Blonde: You cannot eat in space! It sucks you in.
--Union Square
Crazy bag man with hat full of buttons: Where's the moon, where's the moon? If the globe on Columbus Cirlce is the earth, the moon is on 63rd Street West. That is a test of spatial ree-al-uh-tee. How well did you do?
--Uptown 3 Train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Les Izzmore
Lord, I Was Born a Ramblin' Wednesday One-Liner
Chick on cell: Are you sure this is a sex trip and not a "meet-my-parents" trip?
--14th St
Overheard by: Argopelter
Laughing woman on cell: I'm going to be so busy when I get back! My week of relaxation is just going to be ruined by a hurricane.
--Starbucks, Park Ave South & 29th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Guy to three hot girls carrying luggage: Oh, hello, ladies. I also travel! What a coincidence! (girls walk away laughing) You can run! I will find you! It's only a matter of time!
--Financial District
Black woman on phone: Ya, man, I just got back from Miami. Shit, I'm still jet lagged!
--Wendy's, Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: oh really?
Blonde girl on plane to another: I figured out on this trip that if you pack your lightest clothes on the bottom of your suitcase it will weigh less! Coming in, my suitcase weighed 54 pounds, and going home it only weighed 46! (second blonde nods knowingly)
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Meagan O.
Hobo: Hey girls, could you spare some change? Please? It's for my Hawaii fund! I'm gonna wear a bikini and dance the hula. And fuck it, I'm freezing my butt off!
--University Place & 10th St
Overheard by: queenofscots
Wednesday One-Liners Got the Part!
Conductor in thick Indian accent: Everybody's stressed out on their way to work, but remember you only came on the train with two hands! If you feel a third hand on you, feel free to do whatever you want with it!
--Uptown A Train
Overheard by: megan rose
Young woman on cell: Daddy? Mommy said you called. Is it about your testicles?
--78th & Lexington
Overheard by: Bob
Man on cell: I just saw this human female walk by with these legs...
--SoHo
Overheard by: Another human female
Passing female coworker: Stick my finger up to the middle knuckle to make sure it's warm.
--31st St
Dorky guy to friends: So then she gets on the table and the next thing you know, one leg is over her head and I just didn't know what to do with myself...
--3rd & 23rd
Overheard by: tila
Jersey lady: Now I have to straddle him, hold on to his ears, and do it.
--Metro North Train
Overheard by: Wow. Just... wow.
Wednesday One-Liners Need an F-Bomb Shelter
Hare Krishna guy hawking meditation books: I hate this fucking city, fucking assholes. Fuck. Fuck this city!
--Union Square Station
Girl on phone: So, how's Dan? (pause) Oh, fuck Dan!
--South Ferry Terminal
Teenage boy to another in idling train: We made up an expression just to see if he would start saying it too. We started saying "fuck my dick!" Like, I dropped my pencil and said "fuck my dick!" You know? And he started sayin' that shit, yo!
--G Train
Overheard by: lucyruth
Guy on cell: Listen, I can fuck whoever the fuck I wanna fuck, whenever the fuck I wanna fuck. I choose not to fuck you.
--42nd St b/w 3rd & Lexington
Overheard by: julie f
Late 40s suit to another: Yeah, so I say to him, just to be polite,"yeah, I'd fuck her", then he says "yeah, but I'd fuck her after you were done with her!"
--Met Life Building
Conductor: Please move all the way in, please, people, move all the way in, stand clear of the closing doors. People! (turns microphone off, shouts) Nobody fucking listens to me!
--F Train
Overheard by: BLAH
Read These Wednesday One-Liners to Induce Vomiting
Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each other scabs.
--Park Slope
Ugly drunk girl: Sometimes I pick people's noses. (pause) Usually nothing comes out!
--LIRR, Huntington Line
Overheard by: I <3 Commuters
Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she wanted to spoon that shit up and eat it!
--Lafayette St
Man to family: Well, I've got to assume he's getting sick anyway, judging by the snot I just saw.
--Grand Central Station
Male law student: That's the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won't spread.
--Fordham Law School
20-something receptionist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fetus. I better Lysol the phone.
--5th Ave
Overheard by: BrooklynBorn
Wednesday Will Go Nazarene on Your One-Liners
Black woman: Sixteen dollars? That paper better be made out of Jesus's ass.
--Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Emily B.
40-something to friends: And what's going on with the fucking baby Jesus over there?
--Starbucks
Guy on cell: In my class, we were talking about how Jesus was a Viking warrior.
--Queens College
Woman, about Matt Lauer and Katie Couric: See, this is why Jesus Christ and the Pharisees didn't get along.
--22nd St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Rachel Peters
Woman on phone on the night before Easter: No, I do not want you at my house right now. (pause) I'm going home to watch The Ten Commandments and read my bible--Jesus is coming back tomorrow!
--B44 Bus
Overheard by: Micah
Drunk high school girl: If Jesus had discovered a cure for dry mouth, he'd be a lot more popular!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Smudge
What's "Wednesday One-Liner," Anyway?
Earnest sidewalk pollster: Sir? Have you got a minute to talk about the sanitation department? Do you think it's normal?
--51st St & Lexington
Overheard by: jake-e
Conductor, bending down before fainted man: C'mon! Dude! What did I tell you before? Get up and sit down and pass out in the seat like regular normal people. People think you're dead. Get up.
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: I guess not a normal person
Girl, during History of Islam class: Miracles show us what's normal and what's, like, super above normal.
--Hunter College
Woman, bending down to adjust child: You have to walk normally now--like a normal person.
--Museum of Natural History
Nerd guy to friend: It wouldn't be child labor. You just hook them up to electrodes, connect them to the the power grid, and have them play on the playground like normal!
--Shuttle to Times Square
Will Work for Wednesday One-Liners
Middle-aged woman: My work is better than my personality, honestly.
--40th b/w Park & Madison
Overheard by: Jim
Girl on cell: But you don't speak English or Spanish good. Baby, you just aren't that smart, how you supposed to get a job?
--Baskin & Robbins Downtown
Conductor: I really don't give a damn whether or not you stand clear of the closing doors, because regardless of where we go I'm still working.
--1 Train
Overheard by: gefilte fish junkie
Hobo, arguing with another: Don't talk to me like I'm yo' job.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Emily
Whiny lady on cell: Yeah, so I think I am allergic to my office. (pause) Oh, no, no, I am positive I am allergic to something in the office. Every time I am in there, sitting in my chair, I get these pains in my back.
--41st St & Park Ave
Overheard by: you still have a job, ungrateful lady!
Hobo to passers-by: Where are you all going? There ain't no jobs.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jillian
Wednesday One-Liners-- Now in Small, Regular and Porn Star
20-something girl: And then they had another raffle and I won another 30 minutes of free porn and a vibrator.
--Chelsea Market
Overheard by: eSong
Man, talking to himself in the park: I don't discriminate against women. Women discriminate against me. Why? Because they have all different kinds of dildos.
--City Hall Park
Salesman, shouting to man with girlfriend: Have you been neglecting your butthole lately? I'm selling some nice greasy vibrators here!
--34th St
Overheard by: Jessica
30-something balding man on cell: Dildo and show...
--14th & 3rd
Woman to friends posing for picture: 1...2...3...say: "sex toys!"
--West Village
Mythology professor: Ares was a bit stupid, so Aphrodite was pretty much the brains of that operation. For her, he was basically just a living dildo.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Sarah
Janie Got a Wednesday One-Liner
Voice over employee's walkie-talkie: Okay, I really need those guns. Anyone who has one, I need it down in bridal.
--Bed Bath & Beyond
Obnoxious woman: So I said, "motherfucker, I'm not your sister--I'm your cousin. So I will shoot you."
--Uptown 2 Train
Large black man: If you ain't got no bullets, you gotsta melee!
--23rd St b/w 5th & 6th
Overheard by: Zach
Wannabe hip-hopper, trying to sell CD: It's clean music, and I ain't never shot no one!
--Union Square
20-something guy on cell: They got no right to bring up that gun charge, it's over ten years old!
--19th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Emily Davidson
Dude, after chatting to policewoman: I just have a thing for women in uniform! My mind says, "no, no, settle down," and my penis says, "but she's got a gun!"
--Hudson & Laight
Do They Make a Glade Plug-In for Wednesday One-Liners?
Little girl, running along platform: Mommy! Mommy! Slow down! Mommy, it smells like penis in here!
--Grand Central
Girl to another: Do you have a hand wipe? I totally smell like rape right now.
--44th St & Broadway
Guy to friend: She said I smelled like shit and I said, "what like, asshole?"
--59th St & Lexington
Girl on phone: Your hands smell like what? Your hands smell like urine? Why would you say that?
--Brooklyn College
Hobo on overcrowded train: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Homeless Ed, and I am homeless, and I smell like shit. If any of you can spare some change so I can buy some deodorant, it would be greatly appreciated.
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: christopher james
Female grad student on cell: Have you ever done the inter-borough walk of shame smelling like penis?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Conductor: This is East Broadway station, and something smells yummy.
--F Train
An Inconvenient Wednesday One-Liner
Mother to small child: Well, the weather's nice today, so it's a good afternoon to go to the park, play on the playground, go on the swings, or attack daddy. (pause) Or...you know, whatever else you feel like doing.
--Gramercy
Overheard by: Max
Fancy woman waking out of building, on cell, during snow squall: It's either snow or debris. I can't tell.
--Grand Army Plaza
Overheard by: snow. trust me.
Five-year-old girl: It's snowing way too much in Columbus Circle! Fuck! I am going to file a complaint!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: queenofscots
Older hot guy: It's as cold as a drunken French whore in the old Bastille days!
--W 4th St
Woman to neighbor: Hey, girl, do you see this snow? It's the end of the world!
(pause) Have a great day!
--140th St & Amsterdam
...Well That's False Advertising.
Lady looking at cellphone: Oh, it has free nationwide service. That means I can call anywhere in the world for free?
Boyfriend: No. Just in the nation.
Lady: Oh.
--Sprint Store, 42 & 6th
Edward Norton Is Rather Full Of Himself Since The Illusionist
Magician, after doing awesome trick: Well, do you believe in magic now?
Crowd: Yeah!
Magician: Really? Well, then you might just as well believe in Jesus.
--NYU
I Thought "Twat" Was the Past Tense Of "Twit"
Girl to mother: Twat!
Mother: You mean "twit".
Girl: No, I mean "twat".
Mother: Honey, a twat is a woman's vagina.
Girl: Get out.
--28th & 7th
Only Four Hobbits and a Warlock
Boy: Can you close the window?
Substitute teacher, jumping onto the windowsill: Sure.
(class stares in disbelief)
Substitute teacher: What, haven't you ever had a ninja for a teacher before?
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Not Really...
Boweling Night's Not 'til Tomorrow
Woman #1: Did you tell your friends about my constipation?
Woman #2: No, I didn't, they wouldn't appreciate it.
--79 & 3rd
Just Like Every Stripper
Construction worker #1: You gonna climb that pole?
Construction worker #2: Yeah, you wanna know why?
Construction worker #1: Why?
Construction worker #2: Because I have penis and a set of testicles!
--State & 13th St
And These New Radioactive Maxi Pads Are All the Rage!
Waitress's friend: You doin' somethin' different with your hair? You got a glow about you.
Waitress, whispering but audible by everyone around: I'm on the rag, yo!
--Garden Grill, Graham Ave
Overheard by: digamma
Ghost Whisperer Gets Worse Every Week
Young boy to dad: Dad, I am still really concerned about that ghost we saw earlier.
Dad to boy: It was just your grandmother, I've told you!
--Sunset Park, Brooklyn
Two More and She Gets a Set Of Steak Knives
Guy #1: So I heard Tina is getting that abortion.
Guy #2: Ya, it's her eighth one.
--Times Square
Overheard by: jake kirby
But, to Be Fair, We Also Said That About the Cast Of The Real World
Little girl #1, looking at Neanderthal diorama: I just saw her pupils move!
Little girl #2: I just saw her hair move!
Little girl #3: I just saw her blink!
Little girl #1: I just saw his penis move!
Little girl #2: I just saw her boob move!
Little girl #1: I think those are real people!
Little girl #2: Me, too!
Little girl #3: Me, three!
--Museum Of Natural History
Overheard by: Jennifer
The Same Mistake Lizzie Borden's Parents Made
Father: Do you want a hatchet?
Four-year-old son: I need an axe!
Father: You sure?
Four-year-old son: Yeah!
Father: Okay!
--Lafayette & Vanderbilt, Brooklyn
Overheard by: off white
Or Validate You As a Reality TV Star
Bag lady, preaching: All your bullshit! You waste a brain moment on them!
Hobo to bag lady: Hey, you'd better keep that radical shit to yourself! Society don't like those radical ideas! They'll lock your ass up!
Passing suit: I know!
--Union Square Park
Are You Talking About the Fart?
Man collecting change for homeless New Yorkers: Hey folks, you know we can't do it without you, and blah blah blah and yadda yadda yadda.
Passerby: (giggles)
Man collecting change: Oh, you heard that?
--Union Square
Where Can You Even Rent a Chicken Costume?
Columbia guy: So why haven't you had sex with him yet?
Columbia girl: Well, he wants our first time to be special, but that's the last thing I want in sex! I mean, it's gonna be awkward anyway, so we might as well get it over with!
--1 Train
And Buy Some Baggy Jeans
Dirty old hobo to passing tourist girl: Mmm, mmm, mmm... I could eat for three days off your fat pussy.
Tourist girl: I'm not fat!
Dirty old hobo: No, but your pussy sure is.
Tourist girl, rushing away: I'm gonna cry.
--Soho
Yeah, But It's Different When It's a Professor
Party girl: Did you see Mark last night? I mean, he was doing coke off a hooker's ass.
Party queer, pouting: I so did that last week, and no one even said anything...
--Third North Courtyard, NYU
Overheard by: this is why I don't want anyone to know I go to NYU
When Did Natural Selection Fall Out Of Favor?
Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen,that yellow line on the platform is there for your safety. Please stand behind it when the train enters the station, for your safety and for my stress level. Thank you.
(next stop)
Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to repeat myself, but stand behind the line! It is for your own safety! Your ignorance causes the trains to run slowly because I have to slow down to keep from hitting your ignorant self! Thank you. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Always stands behind the yellow line
...But I'm Gonna Have to Mace You Now, Sweetie.
Saleswoman: Hi, can I help you?
Rich woman: (ignores her)
Saleswoman: Hello...? Hi. How are you? Can I help?
Rich woman: What do you want?
Saleswoman: Um...I was just saying hello?
Rich woman: Oh! You were being friendly! How cute! Hello to you, too.
--3rd & Madison Ave
Why E Is Bad, in a Nutshell
Hipster girl: So, we were talking about, like, Derrida, and like the universe, and then he just kissed me. It was so romantic.
Hipster gay guy, clearly not listening, staring into phone: Oh, so cute. So cute.
Hipster girl: James*, he kissed me!
Hipster gay guy: Woof, woof. Bark. Arf!
Hipster girl: What?
Hipster gay guy: I thought you were talking about a dog, so I chimed in.
Hipster girl: You need to stop doing E.
Hipster gay guy: It makes masturbating great, though.
--Columbia University
With the Possible Exception Of an Oprah-Kirstie Alley Sandwich
20-something guy #1: So would you fuck Oprah?
20-something guy #2: What? No. Why?
20-something guy #1: Well, I thought you might. Cause you like black chicks, right? And you like fat chicks...I thought you'd be down for a fat black chick.
20-something guy #2: Hell no. You gotta keep the fat ones white.
--C Train
Overheard by: So make sure to wash them with bleach.
Tim Gunn in Person Is Not What You'd Expect
Strange old man to girl : Would you ever wear your hair like that? (points to a girl with afro)
Girl: Um...no.
Man, getting off train: Good. Have a nice weekend.
Girl: You too.
Man: And don't wear your hear like that. Or your daddy might have to whip out his belt.
--E Train
Overheard by: Jessie
And Mom Breast-feeds Me Because She Likes It.
College girl to friend: I think my problem is I'm too independent.
Friend: Didn't you just move back in with your parents?
College girl: Yeah, but I'm planning on moving out in a year or two.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Karl
You Want a Sip Of Me? Huh?
Dunkin' Donuts giant coffee cup mascot: Beautiful Saturday folks, come to the grand opening of Dunkin' Donuts right down the block...
Tourist bro: Dunkin' Donuts sucks!
Dunkin' Donuts giant coffee cup mascot: Get out of here, you asshole!
--Canal & Lafayette
Overheard by: Christian
Wait a Minute-- Like Boys How?
Eight-year-old girl to older brother: I don't like booooooys!
10-year-old brother: I don't like boys, either!
Kids' ghetto mom to son: Boy, you betta like boys or I'mma pull your dick off.
--Uptown 2 Train
Overheard by: E.C.
Did You Get Here on the SocioPATH Train?
Teen girl: Anna told me you liked me?
Teen guy: Yeah.
Teen girl: Why didn't you tell me or ask me out?
Teen guy: Well, I was afraid you would say no.
Teen girl: Why don't you ask me now and see what I say?
Teen guy: Do you want to go out sometime?
Teen girl: Sorry, no.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Hugh
Why White Guys Become Rappers: Explained
Male NYU undergrad #1: Man, you know...some guys, they have a 40 in one hand and a chick's breast in the other.
Male NYU undergrad #2: Oh, man, that's the life.
Male NYU undergrad #1: Yeah, I gotta figure out how to do it.
--Washington Place & Mercer
...They Were Christians
Professor: Martin Luther King, Jr had women in his hotel room. He was running around on Coretta.
Student: Maybe, they were studying the bible.
(class laughs)
Professor: Well, she may have been calling out Jesus's name. But they sure as hell weren't reading the bible.
Slow girl, five minutes later: Oh, I get it. Ew!
--Baruch College
Overheard by: kteezy
And I Did Promise to Stop Being a Weirdo
Crazy, loud hobo on train, repeating: "Jesus" is a six letter word! "666" means the devil! So, Jesus is the devil!
Fed-up passenger: Hey asshole, "Jesus" is 5 letters, not six!
Crazy hobo, pensive: Well, shit, there goes my whole argument.
--5 Train
If You Watch Willy Wonka: The E! True Hollywood Story
Man #1: There were thousands of them.
Man #2: Thousands of what?
Man #1: Thousands of unemployed midgets.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Pamela
Who Says Keeping Up with the Kardashians Doesn't Have a Moral?
Teen to friend: With big asses come big responsibilities.
Friend: True, true.
--Grand Concourse
Overheard by: Lia
...Which Makes the Bloody Tampons Even More Disturbing
Person #1: Hey, remember that Brazilian au pair I told you about?
Person #2: Yes?
Person #1: Turns out it was a guy.
--E Train
The Israeli Peace Talks Should All Be Topless
Hispanic woman: Thank god for big titties!
Older black woman: (mumbles)
Hispanic woman: Shit. (pause) I know, right? They help!
--4 Train
Overheard by: ReppinDa215
Now How I'd Deal with My Thesis Advisor, But Whatever.
Frat boy #1: If he kills me, I will kill him!
Frat boy #2: Oh, that makes a lot of sense.
--NYU Bus
Overheard by: ihatevegs
I Was Supposed to Make Dessert!
Tween thug #1: Yo, Beth Israel hospital. You gotta be a Jew to go there? Haha!
Tween thug #2, somberly: No. My grandmother was in there.
Tween thug #1: Oh. I'm sorry... Shit! Look, that's where we got arrested! They cuffed me on that corner!
Tween thug #2: Yo, what time is it?
Tween thug #1: 5:11. (pause) Oh damn, my momma told me I had to be home at 5! She gonna kill me.
--B82 Bus
That's the Sweetest Thing You've Ever Said to Me
Guy #1: Your jeans are ripped.
Guy #2: Your ass is ripped.
--West Village
Overheard by: Mike
Are You Asking Me for a Kiss?
Girl #1: Ugh, Adam Lambert is soooo hot, it's too bad he's gay.
Girl #2: Just because he kisses other guys doesn't mean he's gay.
Girl #1: Um, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it means. Now, come on, I feel like a slurpie or something.
--59th & 5th
Read the Previous Week's Quotes!
