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And If That Doesn't Work, We'll Tell Him Jesus Hates Drinkers!
Small girl, seeing drunken man reeling down the street: Daddy, what's wrong with that man?
Father: I think he's just drunk a bit too much beer.
Small girl: Hannah's daddy likes beer.
Father: Yes, but if you drink too much of it, it can make you fall down.
Small girl: We should tell him!
Father: I think he probably knows.
Small girl: He might not!
--Times Square
Now Let's Go Find Obama's Ancestors
Little boy to mom at Native American exhibit: Oh! Weapons!
Mom: Yeah, those are weapons, but we don't like them because they hurt people and are used during wars.
Little boy: President Bush started a war!
Mom: Yes he did, and that's why we don't like him.
--The Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Hanna!
What It Lacks in Wilderness It Makes Up for in Jungle Print
Girl: I don't understand how they can still film Survivor. Haven't they run out of desolated islands by now?
Guy: Long Island?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: cnol
So Put That in Your Pipe and Smoke It
Annoyed commuter: Shut up, you jobless crackhead piece of shit!
Crackhead: Fuck you, man, I got a job! I sell crack.
--A Train
I Also Would Have Accepted "Furry" or "Bouncey"
Well-heeled mother: Now, what do we call little baby kangaroos?
Four-year-old boy: Marsupials!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: hells kitchen dweller
So...Here?
Mom: So, what's your third-favorite place in the world?
Young daughter: I just burped.
Mom: That's nice.
--103rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Special K
His Ignorance Is the Elephant in the Room.
Gangster kid #1: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Gangster kid #2: No! Yo, fuck democracy, I'm a Republican!
--Midtown
Which People in New York Have Been on Board with for Years
Girl watching trailers: Okay, what is it with all the rodent-themed movies lately?
Suit: Yeah, I noticed that, too!
Girl: I think it's Disney's attempt to get everyone on board with pestilence as the new world order.
--Empire 25 Theater
They're Essentially Running Around Barefoot, Rubbing Sticks Together for Fire
Curly teen: Did you see that guy with tattoos all over his face? Do you think he's allowed above 14th Street?
Brunette teen: I think he can get to 23rd without too much damage.
Curly teen: No way, Chelsea is too classy to handle that.
Brunette teen: Not really. They did just open up a Chipotle.
--Union Square
...Just Like Guitar Hero.
Guy #1: Mario and Luigi are so Mexican.
Guy #2: What?! Are you crazy? They're Italian, duh!
Guy #1: No, but they've got the mustache, you know? That's so Mexican!
Guy #2: No, they have Italian mustaches!
Guy #1: Psst, you do know what the whole point of the game is, right?
Guy #2: Yeah, these two Italian guys go and save some kidnapped princess.
Guy #1: Really? I thought it was about two Mexicans trying to hop the border.
--Chambers & Greenwich
Overheard by: Milo
Judaism Often Happens Without Warning in New York
Concerned woman: I just worry that the Messiah will come and I won't be Jewish yet.
Friend: Mmm...
Concerned woman: I mean, I just really hope I'm Jewish by next Yom Kippur.
Friend: Yeah.
--F Train
Overheard by: dee
You Should Hear Their Rendition Of "Baby Got Back"
Little girl: I like to (inabudible)! I like to (inaudible)!
Asian nanny, singing: I like to move it, move it! I like to move it, move it!
--Church & White St
Overheard by: OUch Eezy
Just Like Les Mis!
40-something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Hey! How's it going?! Where are you from?
40-something regular guy: Seattle. You?
40-something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Newport Beach, California! What are you off to do?
40-something regular guy: Dinner and some drinks with friends. You?
40-something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Me and a buddy are going to take mushrooms and go see Young Frankenstein for the third time! It's hilarious when you're high!
--Elevator, Sheraton Hotel
My Casseroles Just Taste Like Boogers, Sweetie
Mother to son: Timmy, stop eating your boogers! It's disgusting!
Timmy: But it's tasty! You should try it too!
Mother, whispering: Oh, shit.
--Chelsea
No One Took Little Hannibal Seriously Until It Was Too Late
Dad to four-year-old throwing tantrum: I'm gonna take off your shoes and tickle your feet.
Four-year-old boy: Then I'm gonna punch you!
Dad: Then I'm gonna throw your shoes into the street.
Four-year-old boy: Then I'm gonna...eat your...penis!
--Outside Lucali's Pizza, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Frankie
Did You Even Study for This Exam?
Teen #1: I'm a thug.
Teen #2: You ain't a thug. You got one minute to tell me why you a thug.
Teen #1, stammering: One, um, once an old lady asked me for some change at the bus stop and I slapped her.
Teen #2: That makes you a pussy, not a thug, nigga. 50 seconds...
--Bx8 Bus
We Know Why You Love the Romantic Period, Perv.
Student, after professor played Chopin: Oh, miss, that was beautiful, can you play that again?
Professor: Sure.
Student: Oh, damn! You are nastier than I thought!
--Lehman College
Overheard by: emm
Let's Leave This Heathen Town Before It Eats Us Alive!
Old tourist: They have a monorail here now.
Older tourist: A what?
Old tourist: A monorail.
Older tourist: A monorail?
Old tourist: A monorail.
Older tourist: Jesus.
--JFK
Overheard by: zoviet
On the Other Hand, It Happens to the Best Of Us.
Gay guy with fohawk: I was so drunk I had to leave. I was so afraid something was going to happen and I was going to wake up and be like, "shit! I fucked a girl!"
Girl: Damn!
--FIT
We Can Stare at It While We Ignore the Teachers
Teacher: You have to know this or else it looks like your going to summer school.
Student #1: Summer school?
Student #2: Summer school. It ain't so bad, I'll be there. There's a pool next to it.
--PS 7
Tomorrow's Lesson: The Boston Red Sox
Toddler, pointing to the Bronx on subway map: What?
Father: Yeah! That's the Bronx, baby girl! Yankee stadium. Better than the Mets and you best not forget! The Mets suck! The Yankees stink, but the Mets suck.
--L Train
Or Cornish Game Hen, When We Feel Like Slummin' It
Mom #1, noting a pigeon: Cute bird!
Boy: Hm. Birds.
Mom #2: We, for instance, eat birds. What kind of birds do we eat?
Boy: Quail!
--5th Ave, Park Slope
Next Time Be a Little More Sensitive, My Dot-Headed Friend.
Indian guy: No homo!
Black guy: Man, "no homo" is wrong. That's like a white person saying, "yo, word up?" and a black guy saying, "no negro!" (pause) Shit's fucked up.
--Columbia University
At the Procreation Quarterfinals, There Was No Winner.
Girl #1: So this is gonna be his fourth! So I told Malek, he shouldn't made me get rid of my baby because then I woulda been ahead of that bitch! Damn!
Girl #2: Yeah, I hear you...
--137th & Broadway
C'mon, We Can't Learn Anything in There
Tourist: I'm sorry, this may be a dumb question, but is this the Museum of Natural History?
Guard: This is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Tourist: Damn it!
--The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: WeeFee
I Need Tight Jeans to Stabilize My Pelvis
Girl #1: I wish someone would tie my pubic bone back together.
Girl #2: don't you mean your "pelvic" bone?
Girl #1: No dude, it's definitely my pubic bone that's all shifted.
--Urban Outfitters, 14th & 6th
Are You Now, or Have You Ever Been, a Member Of the Communist Party?
20-something woman: Do you have decaffeinated tea?
Waitress: Yes.
20-something woman: Does it have caffeine in it?
Waitress: No?
--86th & York
Overheard by: Silently Amused
And Can't Afford Cocaine
Manhattan girl: Ugh. Things are so slow in Brooklyn!
Manhattan boy: The bank is faster in Manhattan, stores are faster, everything is so much faster.
Manhattan girl: Right, they couldn't afford to be this slow.
Manhattan boy: Well, it's cuz the population here is less educated.
--Walgreens, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
That's Girl Talk for "Get Off My Hair, Dude!"
Teenage guy #1: Well, how do you know that she... Ya know?
Teenage guy #2: Well, she moaned.
Teenage guy #1: What did it sound like?
Teenage guy #2: Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh.
--33rd & 5th
Now Let Me Hear You Say "Sphincter Says What?"
NYU smart ass: Well, I know that Milwaukee had two socialist senators.
Professor: You learned that from Wayne's World! Ha!
--NYU Classroom
And the Wig Is Just a Little Something I'm Trying Out
Gay Asian man: Sorry I sound like a drag queen today.
Girl: Are you sick?
Gay Asian man: Oh no, it's hangover voice.
--FIT
Overheard by: Rins
If the U.S. Census Were Administered This Way, We Might Actually Complete It
Crazy man on subway: Now that its almost the weekend, it is once again time for me to share my knowledge. Now, how many people here have seen the Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones feature film Men in Black?
75-year-old British man: Oh, this will be wonderful. Very scientific.
--E Train
Oh Wait-- That's John Goodman.
Cute girlfriend: Seriously? You take me to a sports bar for brunch? I'm the only chick in here!
Boyfriend, pointing to a girl sitting at the bar: Look, there is another vagina in here.
Cute girlfriend: Yeah, she's ugly: she has to like sports.
Boyfriend: Well...I guess that's kinda true.
--Mr Biggs Bar, Hell's Kitchen
The Moo Goo Gai Pancakes Will Be Out in a Moment
Chinese waitress, serving food: Chicken Lo Mein?
Teen guy: Chicken oatmeal?
Chinese waitress: Yes.
--St Mark's Place
Overheard by: jamie
Headline by: RaindanceRichard
Runners-Up:
· "Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?" - re-thinking my breakfast options
· "Avant-Garde Asian Cuisine Was Born Of Language Barriers" - Benjamin
· "Breakfast Of Beijing Olympic Champions" - Morning Glory
· "Lunch Special #27, Peking Duck Pop Tarts" - Bridie
· "Thats What We Call "Blunch"" - amandÅ
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
God: Didn't I Issue a Commandment Against That?
Guy #1: Did you hear that Beyonce is playing Eartha Kitt in a biopic?
Guy #2: What the fuck? Are you serious? I need to get in contact with god!
Guy #1: Yeah, I think we are in our last days, like old people say.
--5th Ave b/w 18th & 19th St
Sometimes We All Get Together and Play Trivial Pursuit
Chonga #1: I never said I was goin out wit him, we just went places together. I wouldn't say I was goin out wit a married man...
Chonga #2: Mmmm-hmmm.
Chonga #1: At least I not da only ho!
--J Train
Straight Guys Love to Hear About My Dick
Black hipster to gangsta friend: Nigga, when I come here I feel like I'm surrounded by Jackie Chan.
Gangsta friend: My dick looks like Jackie Chan.
Black hipster: Man, why you always gotta talk about yo dick?
Gangsta friend: What are you nigga, a faggot?
--Chinatown
The White Devil's Wednesday One-Liners
Older black man to nobody in particular: Ain't nothin' done changed in two-hundred years! White folks is still goin' round makin' a mess and then makin' a black man come in and clean up after them...
--Post Office, Gun Hill & Jerome, The Bronx
Asian girl: Do white people eat sandwiches for dinner?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Spec
Black teen girl: If a sister is feeding a white bitch, you know she is fucked up.
--T.G.I. Friday's
Overheard by: Chris K
Black chick: But can a Frenchman be a honky?
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Hunter
Linguistically savvy hobo: The term "cracker" originated from a man named Robert Whitely. It was used to refer to people as "white trash".
--37th & 3rd
Latina woman to elderly mother: We gonna find you a seat soon, mami. If I gotta beat up white bitches... Let's go.
--3rd & 1st
Overheard by: j
Young Urban Professional Wednesday One-Liners
Yuppie screenwriter girl: So I was a very precocious child. Or whatever, y'know. And I just wanted to explore that dynamic a little bit? Basically it's a buddy picture between the little me and the big me.
--14th & 8th
Yuppie woman: And what do I say to that? "I have a smack habit, give me money"!
--St. Mark's Place
Yuppie man: If I hear "breast milk cupcakes" one more time...
--Outside Gotham Bar and Grill
Yuppie, thoughtfully: It's not the mustard, it's what the mustard represents!
--Food Emporium, 2nd Ave
The People's Republic of Wednesday One-Liners
Wasp woman, looking at Asian Peoples exhibit: Oh, honey, look, that woman looks just like that woman at that Chinese food place we like!
--Museum of Natrual History
Overheard by: Heather
Older man to Chinese friend: You know, Caucasians really can't tell the difference between the Asians and the Chinese.
--23rd St b/w 5th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: James
Burly bouncer to burnt-out groupie: Don't think of it as a finger, think of it as an Asian penis.
--11th & 3rd
Tourist on cell: I think I'm heading towards Little Italy, but all I see are Chinese people. I feel like fuckin' Marco Polo. Fuck man, where are you? (trips on curb and falls into pile of trash bags)
--Canal St
Giggling 20-something: So we hired a new intern, and she's Asian!
--Murray Hill
Overheard by: sab
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Some Privacy, Please
Professional-sounding female on cell in bathroom stall: What? (sounds of toilet paper roll) In the bathroom? No! (indignantly) I...I'm...near the bathroom!
--Women's Bathroom, FAO Schwartz
Overheard by: near the computer
Girl to friend in bathroom stall: That crack in the door is big enough for me to see the crack of 'yo ass.
--Women's Bathroom, Hunter College
Man exiting bathroom stall to waiting man: No, no, no. Feces.
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: matt
Black loud cleaning lady to Asian woman: Excuse me, miss? Why you gotta be leaving the seat up? You always leave the seat up! Putting the seat up is okay, but if you put it up, put it down!
--Ladies Room, LIRR
Overheard by: BK
Guy on cell in toilet stall: Now I am unbuckling my belt. (pause) Now I am unzipping my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my underwear. (pause) Now I am sitting down.
--Men's Room, Billy Elliott
Old guy peeing in a urinal, with childlike delight and glee: Wheeeee! Wheeeeeeeeee! Wooooooooooooo! Wheeeeeeeee!
--Men's Room, McDonald's
Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Browsing
Flamboyant foreigner: I changed my MySpace to say I like girls.
--Washington Square Park
Suit on cell: I'm gonna twitter my fucking ass off tonight.
--City Hall
Overheard by: Samantha Sharifi
Girl on cell: Do they not have people in the US that follow the Blue Book? They have to get some guy from Oxford butt fuck to do it? It's so annoying. It's so annoying! Like, I want to take a strap on and fuck my computer. Well, not my computer, but the guy's computer, for having done this to me.
--11th St & 5th Ave
Middle aged African American woman to group of friends: I'm going on MySpace to comment that she abandoned her child!
--8th Ave & 42nd St
Businesswoman to friend: I just like having a family, you know? And you can't get that on Craigslist.
--33rd St.
Overheard by: Rio
High school girl with iPod: Do you think this church has Wi-Fi?
--St. Paul's Catholic Church
Oh, Get Your Mind Out Of the Wednesday One-Liner!
Angry bus driver: Get out of my rear. Get out of my rear.
--Q44 Bus
Overheard by: This is why men do not give birth
Law professor, pulling out a cough drop: Sorry guys, if I don't suck on this, I just won't make it.
--CUNY Law School
Overheard by: That's what she said
Chemistry teacher: No, it's really warm here. (pause) Feel my test-tube.
--Stuyvesant High School
Large black lady to girlfriend: I'm not gonna let him put his babbaganush in my peace pipe!
--Houston St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: ian has a face
Loud woman on cell: Yes, he stuck it up my right one, and when it was halfway in, I was like "ow, you need to take it out!" and then he stuck it up my left one, and I felt no discomfort!
--72nd & 2nd
Old lady to another: So is there an oral tradition in your family then?
--86th & Broadway
Overheard by: Frenchie
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Household Name
English teacher, telling student how to read play: Brian, you're like Martin Luther King meets 50 Cent!
--English Class, Bronx HS of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Woman answering cell on bus: You saw Beyoncé? (everyone stares) Sorry. Did you say, "Hi, fiancée," or "I saw Beyoncé"?"
--126 Bus
Loud fat hipster chick: So she said I'm like Britney Spears with Lindsay Lohan's body, because my weight fluctuates like Lohan's. And I'm okay with that, because you know what? Lohan is a great celebrity. I mean, look, Kate Winslet is lovely and all, but what is she doing tonight? Sitting on a couch somewhere, drinking moderately probably. What is Lohan doing? Probably something really gay and coked up. I'd rather be gay and coked up than drinking moderately on a couch, any day of the week.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: Jas
Metal kid: I smell like Robert Downey, Jr.
--Don Pedro's, Boerum & Manhattan, Brooklyn
Overheard by: LP
Hobo: I always thought Madonna was a trashy white cunt.
--Restaurant Row
Overheard by: Al-master
Guy to girl: You know, I'm sure you're a wonderful lover, and you don't need to be comparing yourself to Lance Armstrong. Like, that's just a fool's game.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Helena
With Wednesday One-Liners Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
Guy pouring himself cup of coffee to guy watching: You and I just really need to have a huge fight. I think that's the only way we can truly be friends.
--Fox News Breakroom
Overheard by: CreateEvity
College girl on cell: I'm a real-life imaginary friend to two different people.
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Am I Imaginary?
Soft-spoken thug on cell: I don't want to upset my baby momma, but I don't want to lose you as a friend.
--123rd & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Girl on phone: His name isn't CJ, it's JP. He wants to be friends with me, I'm gonna friend the heck outta him!
--Lafayette & White
Loud gay guy: So he asks me, "are we still just friends?" and I'm like, "umm, your dick was just in my mouth. Thats not what just friends do."
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Ricardo the Sex Machine
Suit to hot chick: So what's your take on the bottled water companies? Friend or foe?
--Odeon, Thomas & Broadway
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
A Smorgashboard Of Wednesday One-Liners
Woman to man: I know! I don't fry anything. I don't even fry my food anymore.
--47th & 6th
Overheard by: A very disturbed Newsbunny
Old Jewish woman to husband holding restaurant leftovers: It's a sin to waste that food. You could send it to Israel!
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: What a waste!
Preppy guy: At least *I'm* not the one molesting fictional cereal pitchmen.
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ladle
Girl on cell, talking loudly: I don't know what I want, but whatever I want, I want French fries with it.
--John St
Preppy girl on cell: Do they study eggs? (pause) Eggs! (pause) Do they study eggs?
--Times Square
Female new student to boyfriend: You have to stop with this whole burrito-is-a-dick thing.
--6th Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: Catie
Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle Of Wednesday One-Liner!
Dude in full garb on Halloween, clearly losing the argument to his friends: But it's not a foreign object to a pirate!
--East Village
Overheard by: chris k
Girl wearing duct tape cat ears on the fountain in Columbus Circle: I have been crowned the pirate queen!
--Columbus Circle
Guy in business casual to woman in business casual: Yeah, that's the thing about parrots. If they smell smoke and you open their cage, they are outta there. Screw that pirate.
--Uptown 3 Train
Young woman on cell: Those pirates are soooo thin.
--9th Ave & 47th St
Don't Hate the Wednesday One-Liner, Hate the Game
(a pigeon flies up to a rambling bike messenger)
Bike messenger: Hey, bird. Whadda ya say? How you doing? You play baseball? What position? First base? Third? Catcher?
--47th & Madison
Ditzy teen on cell: Why can't they, like, have two footballs instead so both teams could score?
--Doctor's Office, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Professor: Did I tell you guys I'm getting into professional wrestling?
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Didn't want the details
Guy to another, screaming at the top of his lungs: It's fucking field hockey! It's a girl's sport! Why are you even on the team?! You make me sick!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Scott Jurkowski
Train conductor, announcing stop: Willets point, Shea Stadium...home of that *other* team.
--Willets Point, Queens
Overheard by: Random Asian Chick
There's a Thin Line Between Love and Wednesday One-Liners
Professor: I hate that bitch so much, I will give you all As for this semester if you sabotage her class.
--Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: queenofscots
Four-year-old boy to mom holding up newspaper clipping of female model: I can't use this, I hate women!
--Union Square
Overheard by: amused
Little blonde girl sitting at table with parents: I hate everyone!
--48th St & 30th Ave
Overheard by: kteezy
Loud girl to man at the counter: Hey, what are you looking at me like that for? (man at the counter shakes head) You know damn well what I am talking about...I love you too. (pause) Nawwww, just kidding...I hate your stinky ass.
--Deli, Nostrand Ave & Kings Highway
Small boy, gleefully: I hate Joe the plumber. Joe, Joe, Joe...I hate Joe.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: me too...
Thug Air Flight Attendants Will Cut a Bitch
Thugette flight attendant, yelling as plane is about to take off: Sir! Turn off yo laptop!
Suit: (holds cord to show it's not plugged in)
Thugette flight attendant: Uh-uh! I can see the reflection in yo glasses.
Suit: (takes off headphones)
Thugette flight attendant: I saaaaid I can see the reflection in yo glasses, turn yo laptop off, turn it off, turn it oooooooooooooff!
Suit: (shuts laptop)
--Small Commuter Plane Leaving JFK
Girls Are Actually More About the Dew Point
Tall awkward white dude: So you mean to tell me you never question your sexuality?
Girl, shaking her head slowly: No.
Tall awkward white dude: I mean, it's not like it's conscience. It's like a barometer thing: when you meet someone, you just respond.
--7 Train
Rockette Auditions Are the Stuff Of Nightmare
Girl: It smells like vagina.
Guy: No, it smells like vaseline or something.
Girl: Really? It smells like ass.
--Radio City
Overheard by:
They're 100% Cannabis
Guy #1: I don't remember how to sleep anymore, and I don't even do drugs. No cocaine, nothing.
Guy #2: (blank stare)
Guy #1: Well enough about me, how do you like my shoes?
--7th St & Ave B
Overheard by: Peter
Ogrerotica!
Dude: So what have you been up to lately?
Gay friend: Oh, nothing. (pause) Oh! I've been writing a book about Shrek!
--48th & 8th
Overheard by: Cori
Shhh! Don't You Know Where We Are?
Woman #1, washing her hands: So I went to see Cirque du Soleil the other night.
Woman #2, in a stall: Really?
Woman #1: And this guy is doing this whole routine with chairs. He just had a whole mess of chairs, and he was balancing them on each other, and he was sometimes balancing on them too.
Woman #2: Ok...
Woman #1: And it made me realize, I really appreciate chairs. I just fucking hate Cirque du Soleil.
--Ladies' Room, Bowery Poetry Club
Overheard by: also a fan
Kyle Gets Payback for Mom's Gaydar Remark
Five-year-old boy: I have nipples! Look! I have nipples!
Mother: Yes, you do.
Five-year-old boy: I have breasts!
Mother: No, boys don't have breasts.
Five-year-old boy: Neither do you!
--Old Navy, Chelsea
...That Was You?
Hipster guy #1: Last night I started fighting with someone.
Hipster guy #2: Are you serious? I'm always fighting other people. Cause y'know, that's the only thing you can do besides kiss them.
Hipster guy #2: This one time I accidentally kissed someone and I was like "eewwwww".
Hipster guy #1: Ewww.
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: What the hell were they talking about?
And I Put a Blanket Over the Gin-Filled Kiddie Pool
Mother: I swear, the next time you're late coming to see me... I mean, I'll give you five minutes and then I'm gone.
Daughter: I couldn't help it. They were doing room inspections and I had to stick around.
Mother: Room inspections?
Daughter: Yeah, they come around and check your rooms, make sure there's like no lights or no alcohol.
Mother: What about the alcohol I gave you?
Daughter: They don't open drawers.
--Pizza Place near Columbia University
...He Does Want Extra Cheese.
Old guy on mountain bike: (makes Chewbacca-like noise into the service window of a pizzeria)
Unseen person across the street: (same noise)
Old guy on bike to pizzeria worker: See?
--5th Ave, Sunset Park
Overheard by: B. Clothman
Luckily I Had Some Weed to Give Him
Student in line: So I usually get delivery from this other place, they deliver anything anytime.
Friend: Really? Sounds good, I should go there.
Student: Yeah, they'll deliver newspapers and Chinese food and burgers at 3 am. Sometimes they get it wrong, though, like once the delivery guy came and just tried to stuff a wad of cash into my hand.
Friend, clearly not listening: Hmm...
--Broadway & 115th
Overheard by: tell me more...
Thank Goodness That's in Style This Season
Red jacket: You know he texted me from Mexico like five times since he's been there?
Mauve jacket: Oh my! It costs so much to text from there! It's like 75 cents per text!
Red jacket: I don't know why. I made it quite obvious I wasn't interested. He should spend that money on match.com!
Mauve jacket: You are so wrong.
--Greene & W 4th
Why Bands Break Up: Explained
Band member #1: I'm feeling a little like Calvin and Hobbes with this cardboard time machine here.
Band member #2: I don't know what you're talking about.
--Ars Nova, W 54th St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Love Means Never Having to Say "I'm Puking"
Spanish thug #1: I'm all about love, man, but I never say it, like, I loved my ex.
Spanish thug #2: What is love? And not the general meaning of it.
Spanish thug #1: It's like feeling sick to your stomach. (pause) Right?
Spanish thug #2: Yeah, that's good.
--Q27 Bus
Overheard by: trying to read in peace
Then My Answer Is "Miasma"
Man #1: What's with this girl Desriree?
Man #2: (pauses, thinking)
Man #1: Come on, it's a yes or no question!
--Club, Ave B
Are You Saying They're Bad News and Full Of Splooge?
Stressed woman, on the verge of tears: She thinks because she's fourteen she can come home whenever she wants and treat me however she wants!
Male friend: Kids are young, dumb, and full of cum!
Stressed woman: True, dat.
--E Train
Overheard by: Luis
So at Least You Got Unlimited Salad and Breadsticks Out Of the Deal
Male NYU student #1: Like a deer caught in the headlights--he just wanted to have sex.
Male NYU student #2: I love the Olive Garden, though.
--Waverly & Greene
We'll Wear Pleated Khakis and Have Sex With Women for All Eternity
Gay guy #1: I shouldn't have told them about it.
Gay guy #2: Oh, don't feel bad. We're both going to hell anyway.
--1 Train
You Should See How I Dance in My Music Video!
Blond chick: I think, like, great artists are always awkward.
Random Indian guy: I'm not awkward.
--Bleecker b/w 6th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: catsandgnomes
Isn't That a Gateway Drink?
Nerdy NYU freshman #1: Have you ever had a screwdriver?
Nerdy NYU freshman #2: What's that? Is that alcohol?
Nerdy NYU freshman #1: It's alcohol. But, it's orange juice. It tastes like orange juice with alcohol in it. So good.
--3rd Ave & 14th St
Do IT Guys Have Any Social Skills?
Loud chick: When gully's really hungry, he'll be like, "rowr! rowr!" And then he'll bite my leg.
--Hudson & Houston
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
...to Buy Chocolate and Alcohol
Granddaughter: I spy... Grandma... You have to listen...I spy with my little eye, something that helps adults.
Mother: Chocolate.
Grandmother: Alcohol.
Granddaughter: No! Bank of America!
Mother: That helps adults?
--7th & Broadway
Headline by: Botticus
Runners-Up:
· "...In THIS Economy?!" - Pablo & Pablo
· "I Slept Wth a Teller Once" - Yoli
· "If by Help, You Mean Fuck and by Adults, You Mean Shareholders...Then, Well Played" - cmm
· "Sure, That's the Third Person They Helped Off the Floor & Gave a Tissue Too" - tatts
· "Well, Maybe Not Where YOU Go, but I Get Mani-Pedis Everytime I Go There" - Anthony
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Lost Jo Dialogue from Facts Of Life
Ghetto girl #1: I'ma fuck her up! I'ma cut that bitch!
Ghetto boy: You gon' kill her?
Ghetto girl #1: Nah, I'ma cut her!
Ghetto girl #2: You can't do that, thas' ya ex!
Ghetto girl #1: Exactly! Thas' why I'ma fuck her up. She broke up with me!
--G Train
Holy Crap-- That's My Other Fetish!
African pedestrian, checking out hot Asian girl: Hello.
Hot Asian girl, listening to iPod: Hi. (looks at pedestrian quizzically)
African pedestrian: Konichiwa. (smiles creepily at her)
Hot Asian girl: No inglés. (looks back at her iPod)
--Penn Station
Overheard by: ABC
God Bless the LIRR
30-something guy: Have you ever shot an AK-47?
40-something girl: Oh my god, yes!
30-something guy: How did it feel?
40-something girl: Pulling that trigger... It's amazing.
30-something guy: Getting punched in the face hurts. Have you ever gotten punched in the face?
40-something girl: Yes! When did you?
30-something guy: It was one of those "wrong place at the wrong time" situations... I was on the corner of this street and all of a sudden someone just came up and started punching me. It hurt really badly. Have you ever tried punching a bird?
--LIRR
Overheard by: Francesca
NYC Rules Require at Least One Person to Drop the F-Bomb
Hot hippie chick: Excuse me, you need a hand?
Old blind man: Nah, I'm just getting to the n train. Thanks so much, though!
Hot hippie chick: Alright, you have a great day!
Blind man: Same to you!
Overlooking suit to friend: Nice New Yorkers...they just blow my mind.
--Union Square Subway Station
I Dunno-- He's Wearing Mittens
Random guy peeing in the corner to girl walking by: Hey girl, I like your scarf. I'd like to make love to you, but you could keep the scarf on. Keep the scarf on when we make love.
Girl's friend: He'd probably use it to choke you.
--14th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Julia
Planned Parenthood, Dear Reader. Seriously.
Mom to crying baby: Oh my god, shut the hell up!
--Q Train
Overheard by: Jay
...When You Stop Hanging Around With Me
Girl #1: What did your astrologer say?
Girl #2: She said I will meet my husband in the next year. He's 6'4" with salt-and-pepper hair. He has a title but he's not lawyer.
Girl #1: Yeah...and he's a billionaire?
Girl #2: He's not a billionaire but he does well for himself. Oh, also he's French but he speaks seven languages.
Girl #2: Did she say anything about me?
Girl #1: She said your life is gonna go from shitty to alright.
--Holiday Cocktail Lounge, St Mark's & 2nd
Overheard by: wax
Though We Wouldn't Be Able to Charge As Much for Admission
Water polo boy #1: Entertain me!
Water polo boy #2: Dude, why don't we just naked wrestle! (pause) Or we could wrestle with clothes on?
--Edward's Parade, Fordham University
How to Get Your Child Chased with Torches, in One Easy Step
Five-year-old girl, watching NYU protest: Mommy, what is going on?
Mom: Oh. it's just kids who don't want to pay for tuition.
Five-year-old girl, screaming to protesters: Pay your tuition!
--NYU
How You Know It's Time to Distract Your Child with Ice Cream
Small boy: So abortion isn't like killing, it's like stopping?
Small boy's mother: Yes, honey...it's all very complicated, but, some people think that a baby can't be killed when it's inside the womb because it's not really a baby yet.
Small boy: So, it's not a baby till it's out?
Small boy's mother: That's right.
Small boy: And then we can kill them?
--M103 Bus
Overheard by: Lilly
For When the Interviewer Asks Why They Should Hire Me
Passenger to Asian girl carrying strange bag: Is that a didgeridoo in your bag?
Asian girl: Excuse me?
Passenger: Is that a didgeridoo in you bag?
Asian girl: Oh no, it's my sword.
--Elevator, 39th St
Overheard by: Baby Dinosaur
Trust Me-- I've Thought About This a Lot.
Crazy guy, about Scottish Deerhounds: See, they've got personality. They're enjoying themselves. They've got four legs, but we say we're smarter? I wish I had four legs.
German owner of Deerhounds: Then you couldn't open doors.
Crazy guy: But what if one of my front paws had a hand? Then I could open doors.
--Marcus Garvey Dog Run, 120th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: anna
I Think I've Seen This Seinfeld Episode...
Young Jewish guy #1: You know how you're allowed to make jokes about 9/11 if you're from New York?
Young Jewish guy #2: Yeah, totally. You're definitely allowed to do that.
Young Jewish guy #1: Exactly. It's just like a Jew being able to make a joke about the Holocaust.
Young Jewish guy #2: Of course. It's like a rite of passage or something.
--Pier 3, Brooklyn
Which Is How New York Gets Its New Livers
(older woman falls and younger woman helps her put on her shoes)
Older woman, surprised: Oh! Wow, thank you so much!
Young lady: Yeah, well... I'm a transplant.
--Columbus Circle
Are People Still Talking About This?
Guy #1: No, step one is cut a hole in the box.
Guy #2: Oh, yeah, I guess if you did it the other way around it would be kind of dangerous.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Patrick
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