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You Won't Want to Breathe in Again Once We Reach Brooklyn
Train conductor: Next stop, 2nd Ave. Please do not push and shove, this might result in a fight unless you like to fight.
(moments later)
Train conductor: This is 2nd Ave. It is now okay for all of you to take a deep breath. The next stop is Delancy Street.
(moments later)
Train conductor: This is Delancy Street. For all of you that are still holding your breath, it is now okay to breath out.
--F Train
Overheard by: LunchBox
With Your Gold Card?
Girl #1: I have to pee so bad!
Girl #2: So pee, right here, right now.
Random creep, turning around: I'd pay to see that!
--Avenue M Train Station
Overheard by: gaby
What Kind Of Scam Are You Trying to Pull, Lady?
Sassy black lady on crowded train: Excuse me!
Irritated suit: There's nowhere else to go!
Sassy black lady: No! I bump you! I bump you, so I said "excuse me!"
--Downtown A Train
You're Not Texting to Say You Got in, Are You?
Texting teenager: Is there two "L"s in "Fordham"?
Teenager's friend: Uhh...just one, I think.
--N Train
And Milk That for All It's Worth?
Ghetto girl #1: You are so ignorant!
Ghetto girl #2: Don't call me that! You know I hate that word!
Ghetto girl #1: What do you want me to call you? Lactose intolerant?
--A Train
Childrearing, in a Nutshell
Four-year-old: I don't like you.
Angry mother: Well, that's fine, I don't like you very much either.
Four-year-old: That's mean.
Angry mother: That's life.
--Time Square
Overheard by: pluml
From the Reality Competition So You Think You Want Children
Little boy on scooter #1, to parents: I want a dog. I want a dog. I want a dog. I want a dog!
Little boy on scooter #2, talking over boy #1: I think we get it. I think we get it. I think we get it. I think we get it!
--Church & Chambers
Overheard by: ithinkhe'sright
Well, Two Girls, One Cup Certainly Can't *Help* It
Dude #1: I heard it ruins your sex life.
Dude #2: Forever?
Dude #1: I think so!
--34th & 8th
Trust Me-- I Have the Data on That.
Girl: Oh, so new thing: if I smoke with my left hand, that will make me more ambidextrous.
Friend: No.
--43rd St & 6th Ave
Just When You Were Starting to Miss Your 20's...
Girl #1: I love cheese steaks.
Girl #2: Me too, they are my favorite drunk food.
Girl #1: They are so bad for you.
Girl #2: It doesn't matter, I'll just throw it up anyways.
(both start laughing)
--PATH
Your Eyebrows Would Make Fabulous Trim
Unstylish woman to woman in fur coat: Fur is murder!
Woman in coat: You should be murdered.
--6th Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: ilove fur
We Were Out Of Pot, and the Bong Was Just Sitting There...
NYU student #1: I don't remember but I totally think Patrick ripped me a new asshole last night.
NYU student #2: Yeah, probably.
--Cantor Film Center, NYU
Overheard by: lita505
If Worse Comes to Worse, We Can Pacify Them with Beer
Preteen boy, on his way to St. Patrick's Parade: Mommy, how long do we have to be on this train?
Mother: A few minutes.
Preteen boy: Mommy! This is like when the Nazis took all those people to concentration camps!
Mother: Yeah, but they were German, these people are Irish.
--PATH Train
Overheard by: Shane
Irrationally and with All My Heart
Old man #1: Where is it?
Old man #2, looking at paper: The address is 257.
Old man #1: Good, as long as it's not 252. I hate that address.
--14th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: EthanK
Snakes on a Floor Was a Disappointing Sequel
Male straphanger, laughing: Why didn't you run out of the car like everyone else when you saw my six-foot yellow snake crawling on the floor?
Female straphanger, serious: I have one just like it at home! You coming back again tomorrow, so I can get another seat?
--5 Train
Overheard by: Hansi
Did You at Least Dream-Throw-It-Up?
Skinny blonde #1: Last night I dreamed I was eating a pork chop.
Skinny blonde #2: Ew, gross!
--Palladium Dining Hall, NYU
Joke's on You-- She's a Cyborg!
Front row student: Well, I am certain that my mom will always be there when I need her.
Professor: You mean she will always be there (pause) until she dies, which we are all certain of.
--Lecutre, NYU
But You Can Make a Bong Out Of It, Sir.
Hobo, yelling on the train: Oh, god, I know I've made a lot of mistakes. This is all my fault, but if you could just give me something to eat for lunch, or a nickel, anything!
(girl offers him an orange from her bag)
Hobo: No, that ain't food. Thanks anyway.
--Downtown R Train
Overheard by: Kinda have to agree
And I'm Trying to Turn It Into an Organized Religion
Thick Brooklyn accent guy #1: Ten-dollar drinks, fifteen-dollar burgers...that's how these strip clubs get you.
Thick Brooklyn accent guy #2: Yeah man, forget the food. I'm a fucking Pussetarian.
--W 34th St & Broadway
The Very Definition Of a Good Dog
Random passerby to man whose bulldog is urinating in garbage bag: He's a good dog!
Dog owner: Yes, he is!
Random passerby: Be careful, though, he could kill you.
Dog owner: Oh, he totally could.
--11th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Nina
And I Have a Healthy Curiosity About Bomb-Making, Just Like Anyone Else.
Thug to young friend checking DVDs in library: How come you got a library card?
Friend: Because I'm...normal?
--Seward Park Library, Broadway & Rutgers
Overheard by: Puma
Could You Remind Me How to Breathe?
Hip Indian chick #1: We should totally go to Raj's party tomorrow night.
Hip Indian chick #2: Oh my god, we totally should! Except it's in Brooklyn. Like, how would we even get there? Are there like, bridges or something?
Hip Indian chick #1: You're kidding, right?
Hip Indian chick #2, laughing: Wow! I am so one of those people who are like total geniuses but always forget like, really basic stuff.
Hip Indian chick #1: Umm, yeah. Totally.
--M14D Bus
Overheard by: Cody
No More Montessori School for You, Young Man.
Gangster to son: Yo, nigga, you better not do crack when you grow up.
Gangster son: When I be big, I'ma be a dancer!
--Broadway & Laffayette
Overheard by: alexjeff
He's About a Minute Away from Devolving Into, "Red Rum! Red Rum!"
Adorable singing toddler: Too many people! Too many people! Too many people!
(train stops at station)
Adorable singing toddler: This train needs to move!
Woman sitting nearby: This kid is *awesome*!
(minutes later)
Adorable toddler, still singing: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! Be quiet, cat. Meow, meow, meow, meow! Shhh...cat, be quiet. You're not my cat, be quiet! Meow? Meow! Meow meow!
--Downtown 3 Train
Now I'd Like to Apologize for Adam Sandler
Salesperson, after seeing Jewish last name on credit card: Sorry about all that craziness in Israel!
Jew: It's okay. We're used to it.
--Houston & Varick
And Tragically Bitchy.
Balding chubby man #1: Yeah, man, marriage is rough. I mean, you need to find someone who can bring something to the table.
Balding chubby man #2: Yeah...what do you mean?
Balding chubby man #1: I mean, when you hit 30 and are looking to settle down, you need to find someone who has something to offer, cause if she doesn't have something to offer, then you are in trouble.
Balding chubby man #2: Okay.
Balding chubby man #1: I mean, look at Paul McCartney, he married that lady, and they were together, what, five years? She brought nothing to the table. Then they divorced and she got 60 million dollars. Just like that!
Balding chubby man #2: Yeah, that's a lot of money.
Balding chubby man #1: I know! But I shouldn't talk bad about her...you know, cause she's crippled.
--N Train
That Never Stopped the Beatles from Putting Out Albums
NYU guy: You saw Notorious? How was it?
NYU girl: I didn't even know I was going to a movie, I thought we were going to a concert.
NYU guy: He's dead, you know.
NYU girl: Well, now I know.
--Uptown 6 Train
All This Time I Thought "He Brew" Was a Boy Bar
Cocktail waitress #1: Wait... isn't he gay?
Cocktail waitress #2: No, he's married.
Cocktail waitress #1: Oh, I guess I was mistaking his Jewishness for gayness.
--Thom Bar
Like, New York's Technically a State Of Mind, Right?
College student with Boston accent: Yeah, I was reading this article in like Newsweek or something, that ranked the states from smartest to dumbest. Massachusetts was in the top ten.
College student with Miami accent: What about Florida?
College student with Boston accent: Florida was like, 47.
College student with Miami accent: Out of how many?
--NYU
Overheard by: Still Laughing
She Was All, "Your Prescription Came In." Can You Imagine??
Guy #1: So, are you gonna go to the pharmacy again?
Guy #2: No, dude.
Guy #1: Why not? You should go to the pharmacy.
Guy #2: Dude, if I go to the pharmacy it's gonna be so awkward. She found my number in the database and called me.
--The Met
You Can Also Get Pregnant That Way
Girl #1: Yeah, when you have anal sex for the first time you shit on his dick.
Girl #2: Are you fucking serious? Like you have to take a shit?
Girl #3: No, it's like a plunger. When he pulls it out, it is just sucked out.
--56th & 9th
Janeane Garofalo: Hey, That's the Foundation Of My Stand-up Act!
Girl to friend: I helped a tourist the other day. That's not me, I'm a bitch.
Hobo, eavesdropping : Yeah, you are.
Girl: What?
Hobo: You're a bitch.
--Union Square
Aren't You Glad We Can Talk Like This?
Confused student #1: We've only got 1 minute to get to first period.
Confused student #2: What time is it?
Confused student #1, looking at watch: It's 8:01 and class starts at 8:02.
Confused student #2: No, it starts at 8:08. And my watch says it's 7:55.
Confused student #1: Really? I'm so tired I didn't remember.
Confused student #2: Why are you tired?
Confused student #1: I don't know. I woke up on the floor this morning.
Confused student #2: On the floor? Why were you on the floor?
Confused student #1: I don't know. I went to sleep in my bed and woke up on the floor.
Confused student #2: That sucks. I woke up in the bathtub once.
Confused student #1: What would be worse is waking up on the toilet.
Confused student #2: I couldn't imagine that.
--7 Train
Overheard by: Yoteh
This Is Plan: B, Plan: A Was (Tilts Head Toward Aluminum Garbage Can)
Young-looking 40-something: So, I've got some big news for you all...
Mother: Oh? Really?
Young-looking 40 something: We're adding a new member to the family!
Mother: You're pregnant?!
Young-looking 40-something: No, my daughter is. (tilts head towards teenage daughter)
--Cafeteria, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Headline by: Ryan
Runners-Up:
· "But, Okay, Yes, I Am Too" - Chuckles
· "Just Like Mom Used to Make 'em" - Slater
· "So You DIDN'T Just Save 15% on Car Insurance?" - benj
· "You Know It's Time to Run for Vice-President When..." - Morning Glory
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Like, a Nice Little Silver Clutch with Tassels?
Suit #1: Dude, could you imagine if, like, there was no paper money? And instead, all we had was coins made of some metallic elements?
Suit #2: Whoa, that would be pretty hot.
Suit #1, laughing: Yeah! (frowning) Except what if you wanted to carry $200 around with you? You'd have to carry like 200 coins.
Suit #2: Yeah.
Suit #1: Then you'd probably have to carry around a purse.
Suit #2: Oh.
Suit #1: But couldn't you just imagine...?
--Fulton & Pearl
Pop Quiz: Which, If Either, Of These People Is Being Sarcastic?
Teenage boy: So then I thought about three things: government conspiracies, population control, and minorities.
Teenage girl, seriously: Smart.
Teenage boy, equally serious: Thanks. I've been smart ever since I was little.
Teenage girl: I like smart people.
--D Train
Overheard by: ...and modest people, too
It's Easier for Girls, Punkin
Hipster to texting friend: You get service on the train?
Cute girl: I get service everywhere...
(they stare at each other awkwardly)
--Uptown 1 Train
Only Wednesday One-Liners Bother to Look Up
British tourist, passing by The Pink Tea Cup Southern restaurant: Oh, look--an urban menu!
--Bleecker & Grove
Young Asian tourist girl: You mean, there's not actually any fields?
--Strawberry Fields
Overheard by: Jason K.
Tourist, in thick Southern accent: I just don't understand how they turn the trains around so fast, and we don't see them do it!
--Grand Central Station, Shuttle Train
Overheard by: Sara
Tourist hick teen to others: Everybody's wearin' shoes!
--33rd St & 6th Ave
Elderly tourist being escorted to her seat: Oh! I hope we get a booth!
--Olive Garden
Overheard by: EthanK
Tourist to friend: No, we cannot go into a store. I cannot leave Broadway. How else would you expect me to get discovered?
--Time Square
Wednesday Hearts One-Liners
White trash woman to angry boyfriend: Stop! I'm in my car and I love myself! I love myself! Fuck you if you don't love yourself! Tyra says to love yourself, and I love myself!
--49th & 11th
Conductor: Passengers, as you all know the New Haven line is known as the Love Line, because of our red colors and red schedules. For Valentine's Day why not buy a loved one a ticket? Nothing says "I love you" like a Metro North ticket! Imagine the look on your mother-in-law's face when she opens up her present to find a one way trip to Manhattan!
--Metro North Train
Sorority girl: And this is a list of all the girls who love Jell-o.
--St. John's University
Overheard by: Peter G
Guy on Bluetooth: What did I say? I said I love you and you didn't fucking say anything back. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
--Jackson Heights
Excited black guy to friend: Damn! I think I'm in love, she's like the whole package! She's pretty, she's fuckable, and she can cook!
--A Train
Overheard by: Tim
Little boy leaving the church: Bye, Jesus! I love you!
--Riverside Church
Overheard by: Stephanie
People for the Ethical Treatment Of Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to guy: I don't think that hamsters respond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does.
--Bank St. & Greenwich St.
Overheard by: Katie Compa
Crazy redneck-looking guy to PETA circus protester: They're gonna do to us what they did to the lions! We'll be put in concentration camps!
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Santiago and Catie
Guy: And she can ride him like a horse!
--W 103rd St
Graying Brooklyn guy to another: You know, the only thing I haven't seen is a bobcat.
--7th Ave & 4th St, Brooklyn
Underclassman to another: Lizards can't impregnate anyone. They don't even have penises.
--Townsend Harris High School
Overheard by: amused
Drunk man in tiger costume to McDonald's worker: There's an escaped zoo animal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serving your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for breakfast menu)
--McDonald's
We Prefer to Think of Wednesday One-Liners as "Found Art"
Girl on cell: So I bought this air conditioner for my living room, and it's entirely too large for me to install by myself, because it weighs 78 lbs. No, seriously, I cannot even get it out of the box. I know--for the time being I'm just referring to it as a Duchamp "readymade." Ew! Don't you call me bohemian!
--19th & 6th
Art professor: You should look at Picasso and Matisse. These people will be more important to you than your family. Cousin Philly. I had a cousin Philly, and I loved him very much. But he's dead now.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: traPt
Lawyer to friend, about Vincent van Gogh: You know, I could have gotten him disability.
--Van Gogh Exhibit, MoMA
Woman, discussing gallery: It was all modern stuff--but not, like, the kind of modern art that children can do.
--20th & 5th
Tourist boy: You can see his penis! It's not art if you can see his penis!
--Petrie Court, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Wednesday One-Liners, Cracked but Not Broken
Large woman attempting to sit down: Y'all better slide down, cause my ass is wide!
--Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: squished
Limping black hobo to preppy white male: Maaaaan...what's that got to do with wiping yo' ass?
--10th Ave b/w 50th & 51st
Middle aged man to daughter: Come on, let's go look for baby bottle butt!
--H Mart
Professor: I got excited because another man touched my ass in public!
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Haven't we all?
Seated man to mom letting her child run around restaurant: Your daughter just put her hand in my butt crack.
--Park Slope
Are You Washed in the Wednesday One-Liners Of Jesus?
Teenage girl: My mom is always reminding me to lock my door because you got to worry about the bloods and the clots.
--Uptown 2 Train
Emo chick: So he goes to this party and he does it with this old guy. He pretty much went home with a bloody butthole.
--Roseland Ballroom
Overheard by: charlotte
Suit on cell: Never in my life have I seen that much blood in the trunk of a car.
--82nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Karyn
Small Asian girl to large drag queen: So then he, like, bit off his tongue and nearly bled to death. (long pause) Or maybe I was just high.
--Elevator, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Get Some Pussy
Knitting girl: Don't let your drunk girlfriend name your cat, because eventually you will break up with her and then you'll have a cat with a stupid name.
--The Point Knitting Cafe
Overheard by: Heather
Woman coming out of restroom, holding a bottle of liquid soap: You gotta keep the cat clean!
--NYU Hospital
Overheard by: A nurse who wish she wasn't sometimes!!
Female tourist, to herself: There are nine ways to skin a cat, and I know all of them.
--23rd & 8th
Man to woman, arguing: Fuck you, Nina, that's the point. You're not taking my cat!
--Central Park
Old man to friend, during lunch: I don't like cats' attitudes. Unlike dogs, they can be so aloof. Especially to Jews...
--Deli, 1st Ave
Overheard by: Allison
Wednesday Puts Its One-Liners on One Leg at a Time
Guy on cell: In a wig, with his pants down, watching her from his car.
--33rd St, Astoria
Overheard by: Ferna
Teen to another: Barack Obama said, "pull your pants up!"
--Broadway & 72nd St
NYU girl: I wanna do it, and I wanna do it in my pants box.
--Weinstein Hall, NYU
Border's employee to man sleeping in chair: Sir, could you please wake up? ...and also zip up your pants.
--Borders
Guy on phone: Well, I guess I thought you might be kind of gay after you invited me to that "no pants" party.
--Astoria
Crazy Like a Wednesday One-Liner
Teacher to colleagues: When a student acts up a second time, I always throw something at the window and then do something like this (goes into fetal position and starts rocking) at my desk. I mean...these are first graders! You need them to think you're crazy from the very beginning, or you'll have a horrible year!
--Bar, Smith & Sackett
Paper baggin' hobo: I'm not sure who's crazier: me, or this beer. It's 23 degrees outside, and I'm drinking a cold beer!
--Jackie Robinson Park
Overheard by: Ian
High pitched 20-something girl to empty block: I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, here!
--58th & 7th
Female student on cell: Did you know him? (pause) Oh. Well, did Kate* know him? (pause) What? You girls are crazy! Yeah, you'd better lock your door!
--Fordham University
Man on cell: I'm feeling pretty good today. That's usually when I go off the deep end.
--Prince & Elizabeth
Hush, Little Wednesday, Don't You One-Liner
Mother to screaming child: Please stop crying and put your coat on. I am not hurting you or torturing you, so please stop crying.
--4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: olivejuice
Father to kid who just started crying: Hey, stop! I thought I told you to wait until we got home!
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lucian
Guy to girl, on Valentine's Day: You look fat when you cry.
--Cobble Hill
Overheard by: MJB
Hispanic man on phone to girlfriend: Ma, why you cryin?! You should be breaking up with me because I hit you!
--Staten Island Ferry
Guy to girlfriend: I'm sorry I pulled your hair while you were crying.
--Bowery & 2nd
If a Boy Is Your Friend, Is He Your Wednesday One-Liner?
Hot Latina: He doesn't look like someone I'd want to fuck. But neither does my boyfriend... Well, depending on what he's wearing.
--3rd Ave & 46th St
Overheard by: SillyUrn
Girl to friend: If my boyfriend ever asked me to do that, I would get a new boyfriend, preferably the blow-up one that I already have in my bed.
--Dorm, NYU
Overheard by: amused
Girl in leopard print pajamas: My boyfriend is the voice on Dora the Explorer. Name dropped.
--Elevator, NYU
Overheard by: babaganoush the great
Teen boy on cell: Hi, Lisa, it's Matt. Sarah and I were just talking about how much you love tools, so I went to Home Depot today and picked you up a new boyfriend.
--N Train
Overheard by: SueCity
Yuppie to friends: So my boyfriend called me last night and asked me, "Hey, do you even know my name?" and I said, "Well...no."
--1 Train
Overheard by: yams
"It's Not You. It's Wednesday One-Liner."
Screaming, sobbing middle-aged woman to man: Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to me? We made beautiful love last night! Why are you doing this to me?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Laura
Angry woman on cell: You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me! We are done!
--147th & St Nicholas
Man on cell: I'm going to fucking dump that job, like girls dump me.
--45th & 8th
Girl on phone: No wonder he broke up with you, you are a pain in the ass!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Laura
Teen girl on cell: Are you fucking kidding me? You're breaking up with me because I didn't let you lick chocolate off my coochie? That shit's fucked up!
--Bloomingdale's
It Was to Support the Arts More
Girl #1: Girl, did you see her Sasquatch ass! She be taking three for the team!
Girl #2: Don't curse.
Girl #1: You know, I be breaking my New Year's resolution.
Girl #2: Word!
--G Train
And No One Got the "Norwegian" Joke
20-something guy, holding long wooden board: Hey, can you spare some change for me and my wood to get a hooker?
Blonde party girl passing by, rubbing wood in sexual way: Oh, I like your wood...
20-something guy: Oh, thank you. (to girl sitting next to him) You'd think someone would give me money just for making them laugh, but no.
--St. Mark's b/w 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: TR
If You Put a Bunch Of Them in a Wheel You Could Solve the Energy Crisis
Girl to friend: She's been out ice skating with her sister for two hours...how the hell does a five-year-old ice skate for three hours?
Friend: I know, right? Kids are like hamsters.
--John St
Harold and Kumar III Features the Same Old Regurgitated Jokes
Older man: I'm drunk and hungry, I need some White Castle.
Younger man: That'll make you throw up.
Older man: But that's how I end all my nights, so it won't be different.
--Christopher St & 7th Ave
"Where There Is a Sample Sale, I Will Be There."
Greenpeace canvasser to two girls with mother: Girls, do you want your mom to be a superhero today?
Mom: I'm already a superhero, I just bought them clothes!
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Erin
As One Is Wont to Do
Short girl: Where's Alanna?
Tall girl: I think she's off hitting on those rich kids she babysits.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Oh no!
But It Might Just Be a Jello Wrestling Pit
Drunk girl #1: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Drunk girl #2, despairingly: In a ditch!
Drunk girl #1: Awkward.
--14th & 1st
Which Explains Why They're All So Skinny!
Unmasked woman to two men wearing medical masks: Who cares if he's gay? Gay's not a disease!
Masked man: Yes it is!
--Lower East Side
Wouldn't You Find That Symbolically Disturbing?
20-something: Well, what are we going to do tonight if the movie is sold out?
Black comedy slinger, overhearing: See a comedy show!
20-something: No, that's okay.
Black comedy slinger: It's cool, I never killed anyone.
20-something: We're alright.
Black comedy slinger: And I love white people.
20-something: We're not tourists...
Black comedy slinger: Oh, okay. Want a piggyback ride?
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Robert B
...But I Have This Machete Just in Case.
(cop has police tape pulled across intersection to prevent pedestrians from walking while traffic is moving)
Ten-year-old kid, wearing gray sweatshirt and blue baseball cap: Why are you doing that?
Cop: We got a call about someone wearing a gray sweatshirt and blue baseball cap prowling the streets, so this is to keep you safe. Do you feel safe, kid?
Kid, looking terrified: Yeah?
--5th Ave & 47th St
No Wonder Their Bacon Smells Fishy
(two obese out-of-towners take up four seats on the subway)
Fat man #1: They should really make these seats for Americans.
Fat man #2: The problem with these trains is that they're built in Canada with a Japanese design.
--Grand Central Shuttle
Overheard by: Porky Pig
Yeah? I'd Love to Dip My Socks in Your Coffee!
Guy trying to plug laptop charger into outlet: Mind if I sneak this cord between your legs?
Girl near outlet: Sure! That sounds hot! It's the best offer I've gotten all day!
(guy blushes profusely)
--Think Coffee, Mercer St
Overheard by: Carmi
This Is Something I've Only Dreamed Of!
Conductor: Next stop, NYU. 8th Street.
Tourist teen girl #1: NYU? Is that New York University?
Tourist teen girl #2: Umm, I think so.
Tourist teen girl #1: Wow! New York University has their own stop!
--N Train
The Penises Get Mad When We're Late
Girl: I'm really bad at observing people.
Friend: I love Sleeping Beauty.
Girl: I can't write about art if it's, like, asked by my teachers. That's what I hate about this class. Last semester I had to reckon with a Louise Bourgeois essay... All her penises. Are you guys ready to go?
--Cooper-Hewitt, National Design Museum
Overheard by: Alex Bailey
Just Like My Grandma Always Said
Big guy #1: Yeah, Greece is absolutely the best!
Big guy #2: Mmm.
Big guy #1: Greece is the best.
Big guy #1: If you want to take it up the ass...
--6th Ave & 17th St, Chelsea
So, Easier to Live with Than You?
Curious spectator: Are greyhounds easy to live with?
Greyhound owner: Honey, in the past forty years, I've had three husbands and only one breed of dog!
--Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show
Overheard by: Another Greyhound Lover
Female Discontent: The Universal Language
High school girl to friend: All guys are either taken, jerks, butt-ugly, or gay!
Black lady next to them: Amen sister, amen.
--1 Train
You Can Take the Girl Out Of the Island...
Guy: So what was our plan again? Have a drink and then go for a drive?
Girl: It'll be just like we're living in Long Island again!
--26th & 8th
You Really Have to Be, These Days.
Teenage girl #1: Ow! Why did you throw your brain so hard?
Teenage girl #2: You know you're into that kind of shit.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Pretending to look at a map
Anything Involving the Transportation Of Children, Really
NYU guy: So what's your favorite movie?
NYU girl: Baby Geniuses (pause) My second is Schindler's List.
--Union Square
Overheard by: AFI
But I Have a Jellyfish Bite!
Drunk preteen girl #1, dragging friend across room: Don't touch her hand!
Drunk preteen girl #2: Why not?
Drunk preteen girl #1: Cause she just peed on it!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Allison T
Does That Make Us Generation KY?
Girl #1: Whoa! People still get herpes? I thought herpes was a thing of the 80s.
Girl #2: Yeah, well, my mom was having sex in the 80s.
--13th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: dani
Headline by: Sam
Runners-Up:
· "And Is Now on VH1's "I Fucked the 80s"" - Henk
· "And It's So Hard to Find a Mother's Day Card That Mentions Valtrex" - STD Free
· "Just Another Side Effect Of Parachute Pants and Big Hair" - Morning Glory
· "Once the 90s Rolled Around She Stopped Trying to Catch STDs and Started Trying to Catch Pokemon" - Gotta catch em all
· "That Explains Why All Your Friends Have Herpes" - Brian
· "Why You Should Never Fill Your Parents Prescriptions" - JB
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...And We've Been Together Ever Since.
20-something burnout: Would you like to know what this girl said last night, when she was tripping balls and the cops came to my house?
Friend: She thought she was in a nursing home!
20-something burnout: She was screaming all this crazy stuff. (pause) Wait, are you offended by dirty words?
Friend: Go for it.
20-something burnout: "You dick!"
Friend: Excuse me?
20-something burnout: "You fucking nigger faggot! Bitch-ass spic! I'm a fucking lesbian! You're a fucking lesbian!"
--Mineola Ave, Queens
Speaking Of Red Skin...Ew.
Boy #1: Do you like the Chargers?
Boy #2: Yeah.
Boy #1: Do you like the Redskins?
Boy #2: Yeah.
Boy #1: Do you like my bum?
--Central Park
If Only That Worked with Ashlee Simpson
Hobo, singing: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb! Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was...
Man, holding out dollar: I will give you one dollar to shut the fuck up.
Hobo: (shuts up)
--14th St Subway Station
My Cyberstalker Texted Me About It
Little kid with notebook: Mom, what is this called?
Mom: That's a notebook.
Little kid: Notebook! Notebook! I got a notebook! My Facebook! Facebook!
Mom, amused: How do you know about Facebook?
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Camillia*
...Get Thee to a Punnery!
Nerdy guy #1: That dude is a total fag, anyway!
Nerdy girl: Uh, you can't call people fags...
Nerdy guy #2: Yeah! From now on, let's use "fog".
Nerdy girl: That guy is such a fog?
Nerdy guy #1: Yeah... He will be mist.
(20 seconds later)
Nerdy girl: Wait! Missed? Mist? My god...
--NYU
They're Like Madagascar.
Seven-year-old boy: This hat is fake.
Seven-year-old girl: Hats can't be fake. Hats can't even be real.
--6 Train
Overheard by: oldsamcole
Young Whoopi Goldberg Knew She Had to Be Funnier Than This Guy
Comedy show promoter: Miss! You dropped a dreadlock!
Black woman with dreadlocks: Where? (worriedly searches the ground)
Comedy show promoter, holding flyer in her face as looks up: Just kidding! You like comedy?
--Union Square
Reader Poll: Has the Shelf Life Expired on That Reference?
Film professor: So, as you can see, ads use many different types of targets to get you to buy their stuff. What do beer ads use to make you want beer?
Student: Twins!
--NYU
Overheard by: queenofscots
Translation: I'm Having an Outbreak
Gay #1: So how's the gay scene been treating you since you moved here?
Gay #2: Eh. City cock isn't really my type.
--Borough Hall
Overheard by: lusherz
That Joke Never Gets Old!
Man: What is iPod? What is laptop?
Girl with headphones, laughing: Good one!
Man: What is iPod? What is laptop?
--B Train
Like When He Was 2 and He Still Didn't Know About Santa
Hot nerdy girl: Like that one time when I was 11, and I got in trouble for telling Kevin that there's bacteria in yogurt and he started crying. Like, ugh, its not my fault you raised him to be so oblivious.
Hipster friend: Yeah, he was like 6 or something, he shoulda known dat shit by then.
--66th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Robert
The Republic Of Jeans Isn't a Democracy, Chuckie
Dad to kids on freezing day: Who wants to go in this jeans store to get warm?
Preteen girl: I love jeans!
Slightly younger girl: I love jeans!
Little brother: I hate jeans! (starts to cry)
--Broadway & Spring St
Shish Kanish Is That Falafel Place Over on Third
10-year-old white boy: Mom, you know what I'm wondering?
Mom: No, what?
10-year-old: What does "shish kanish" mean?
Mom, staring at him: What the hell are you talking about?
10-year-old: In that song by Shakira it says she makes a man wanna "shish kanish."
Mom, shaking head: "Speak Spanish," Cory. She made a man wanna speak Spanish. Shit, you ain't never gonna be a singer.
--Tenement Museum
Overheard by: Excuse me while I kiss this guy
Rumpelstiltskin's Had a Bad Year
Lady conductor: What's your problem?! Are you bored? You crossed the magic line!
Man conductor: Yeah...
Lady conductor: You crossed the magic line! He crossed the magic line!
--NJ Transit
Gangstas, Inc. Still Hasn't Learned to Hold Private Staff Meetings
Girl on train: Excuse me, don't touch my bag.
Young thug: I am just tryin to close your zipper.
Girl: Yeah, and then you take my wallet!
Thug: Why you think I am gonna take yo wallet? Because I'm black?
Girl: No, because I heard you tell your friend "I'imma steal this bitch's wallet."
Thug: Oh.
--A Train
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