Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Walt Disney Personified It and Formed an Empire. Start There.
Irritated: And what exactly am I supposed to do with a dead rat?
Medicated: (shrugs)
--53th & 8th
Why New York's Prisons Are Overflowing
Agitated man: I'm going to take that lawyer to court now!
Disinterested store owner: For what?
Agitated man: Not talking nice!
--35th & 4th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rhian
Um, Wasn't She 92?
High school girl #1: Yeah, she really needs to take better care of herself!
High school girl #2: Well, not anymore. She's dead.
High school girl #1: Well, she should have.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Christiana Little
But Having Been to Nebraska, I Disagree.
Guy #1: So was it more like Mars or more like Earth?
Guy #2: She said it was more like Earth.
--7th Ave & 16th St
Personal Experience
Seven-year-old boy: Will I meet my goldfish in heaven someday?
Mother: I don't know anything about what happens to goldfish when they die, but I can tell you that there is no god.
--Bleecker & MacDougal
August.
Young woman #1: And I hate him for it! I was always the needy one! So now he's doing what I taught him. Now he's the needy one. That used to be me! And he's using the tricks I taught him to manipulate me! I hate him so much!
Young woman #2: So when's the wedding?
--Central Park Reservoir
Overheard by: The Grozz
The Gerbil Was Loving It, Though.
Blond girl in elevator #1: You know, you really shouldn't do that to your body there.
Blond girl in elevator #2: I know, I know--I guess it's not exactly an orifice...
--Building, E 12th St
Overheard by: Strickles
Presenting This Year's Most Shocking Quote
16-year-old girl to friend: Halfway through the date he took out a puppet and started singing.
Excited friend: Really? Oh my god, he is husband material!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Justin
You Know I Have a Lazy Jaw.
Guy: I only go down if there's reciprocity.
Girl: Oh, you and your rules.
--Union Square
Would You Like Me to Speak More Slowly?
40-something woman in sweatpants: I don't believe in genealogy.
40-something woman with backpack: Huh?!
--52nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: CK//DDG
Worst. Sex Ed Teacher. Ever.
Suit on cell: You don't have to know what you're doing. If you're doing it, you're doing it.
--Convent Ave
You've Been Waiting for an Excuse to Use That One, Haven't You?
NYU girl: I'm not surprised that she has mono. I mean, she's been a slut for a while now. It was bound to catch up with her.
Friend: Yeah, she's a reverse jukebox.
NYU girl: A what?
Friend: You know how you put money into a jukebox and it makes noise? Guys put their dicks in her to make her shut the fuck up.
--NYU Silver Center
Winter Is Like a Cruel Gestapo, My Friend.
Columbia girl #1: I love spring weather. All the people are so happy...
Columbia girl #2: And all the hot guys come out of hiding.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: ECW
If Will and Grace Had Been on HBO
Gay male: I just want to get naked, go home, and smoke crack.
Fag hag, casually: Okay.
--Perry Street
Which Is Exactly Why I'm Not Eating Like a Pig
Girl #1, to girl holding leftover salad from lunch: Are you going to refrigerate that salad?
Girl #2: I really should...but I probably won't.
Girl #1: Well, you really should--the swine flu is going around.
--21st & Broadway
Or Your Racist Riddles, Doreen
Girl: Do you think Africans take antidepressants?
Guy: I really don't like you.
--L Train
Incredibly, I Still Can't Talk Normal Speed
Brunette: So then...
Blonde: Yeah?
Brunette: He...went...down...
Blonde: What?
Brunette: On...
Blonde: Where are you going with this?
Brunette: ...me.
Blonde: I guess I should have seen that coming.
--18th St & 8th Ave
Since That's Already the Nickname for Popeye's
Young teen girl: White Castle? Why can't it be called "Black Castle"?
Friend: That would just be awkward.
--White Castle, Harlem
Overheard by: Katie B.
Tonight's Movie: Planet Of the Nguyễns
Teen girl #1: It's really hard to understand my biology teacher because he's from Vietnam.
Teen girl #2: What?
Teen girl #1: My biology teacher is Vietnamese.
Teen girl #2: Oh, I thought you said he was from Vietnam!
Teen girl #1: Yeah, he is.
Teen girl #2: The planet?
--LaGuardia Airport
Just Don't Have Sex with Tommy Lee, and You Should Be Fine
Girl to mother: I always get freaked out when I see trucks carrying poles, I think they're going to impale me.
Mother: Well, it's good to be aware of that, it does happen. You never know when you're going to have to save your own life!
--Delancey St
Overheard by: Janelle
You Haven't Lived, Monica!
Freaked-out college chick, pointing at large bump on friend's stomach : Ah! What is that?
Flustered 20-something, in coarse Boston accent: What the hell's the matter with you? You've never had a chocolate-covered raisin in your belly button before?
--St. John's University Queens Campus
Overheard by: What about a milk dud?
All It Requires Is a Reliable Coke Connection and Mastery Over Your Gag Reflex
Girl #1: Listen, I will tell you how I get skinny. I don't work out and I just don't eat real food. I eat like pudding and yogurt and candy. That's it! And I get skinny.
Girl #2: Yeah, totally works!
--Union Square
Men Of the Cloth Call That Crucifiction
Reverend: God was too big to die. So he lives, and so it's an empty cross.
Child: (asks unheard question)
Reverend: Well, you could use them against vampires too.
--First Presbyterian Church, 5th Ave
Notice How Bruce Willis Never Eats in The Sixth Sense
Latino sandwich artist to sassy white girl: Is that all or do you need to order a sandwich for your husband too?
Sassy girl: He doesn't exist, so he doesn't get a sandwich.
--Subway Restaurant
Overheard by: missalicious
Dildo and Crack Shopping, Mothafuckaaa!
Old man with sign reading "sinners without faith are going to hell": Do you know where you're going?
Hot girl: Yeah, old man...I'm going shopping.
--W 53rd St
Overheard by: Melissa Platt
Ooo, or the Law and Order Sound!
Hot 20-something: I can't believe that the last time we had sex, when you orgasmed you were like "ooooh, ooooooh, oooooooh!" From now on, I'm gonna start making some funny noises myself.
Hot 30-something: Oh yeah?
Hot 20-something: Yeah, from now on, when you're like "ooooh," I'm gonna be like "moo!" or maybe "meow!"
--R Train
Overheard by: Jackie
Isn't There, Like, a Support Group I Can Join?
Redhead girl: Oh my god. I live in New Jersey!
Male friend: Hahaha!
--6 Train
Overheard by: my sympathies
The Von Trapp Children Are Just Annoying in Real Life
Loud girl: She's leaving the train!
Loud friends #1, #2, #3 and #4: Yay!
Loud friend #1: She's leaving the train!
Loud friend #2: She is! Yay!
Girl getting off train: I love you guys! I'm leaving!
All: Bye!
(train leaves platform)
All: She's off the train! Yeah, she got off the train!
(they all start singing very loudly)
--1 Train
And You're Welcome to Come to Our Orgy Later, Ma'am
Laughing drinking woman #1: People are staring at us!
Laughing drinking woman #2, to girls at next table: Don't worry, I swear we're not alcoholics!
Girl at next table: We don't judge, we're college students!
--13th St & University
Matthew, Mark, Luke, Moe, Little Tito, Deep Throat...
Guy: The more friends I have, the more of a chance that people aren't going to like me.
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Like Jesus, he had 12 followers. Jesus was a gangsta!
Girl: Yeah.
--5th Ave & 13th St
Your Editors Believe Nothing Stops New Yorkers from Talking
Girl, looking at strawberry marshmallows: We could play chubby bunny with those.
Guy #1: Huh?
Girl: That's where you count how many marshmallows you shove in your mouth before you can't talk anymore.
Guy #2: People have died doing that.
Girl: Yeah, but probably only the dumb ones.
--8th Ave
Overheard by: IQ Test is Shoving Them in Your Mouth Anyway
Anal Penetration: The Universal Language
Guy to friends: My goal in life is to get as many dicks in my ass as possible.
Random girl: Mine too!
--Canal St
Though I'd Rather Heidi Klum Woke Me Up
Wife: I think we might need a stiff drink after this.
Husband: (doesn't respond)
Wife: It's supposed to be sad.
Husband: I think I want to take a nap now.
Wife: Do you want me to wake you up when the show starts?
Husband: (grunts)
Wife: Was that a yes or a no?
Husband: Yes.
--Cherry Lane Theatre
Overheard by: Emily B.
The Little Mermaid Turned 18?
Guy #1: I swear, dude--she smelled like fish!
Guy #2: Don't you work in a fish store?
Guy #1: Fuck you!
--Lexington & 45th
Overheard by: Allkohn
Headline by: My Little Nemo's excited
Runners-Up:
· "Be Thankful You Don't Work With Portable Toilets" - Gunther
· "For the Last Time, It's Called "The Playboy Mansion"" - Duncan Pflaster
· "I Bet She Had Crabs Too" - Lee
· "Ishmael on Women" - Lena
· "When You Said He Was Sleeping With the Fishes, We Didn't Assume ..." - Laura
· "You Know I Only Kiss Them and Throw Them Back" - wirrrn
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Totally Gave Me a Fake Number Last Night
Girl to friend walking ahead of her: Wait for me! Don't leave me behind, you're so mean!
Friend: No, I am not.
Police officer, walking by: Yes, you are!
--The Bronx
Overheard by: Emm
Even 21 Jump?
Woman pointing south: What street is that way?
Man: Um, all of them.
--Central Park Mall
Speaking Of People Who Shouldn't Be Able to Talk...
Student #1: Who's Helen Keller?
Student #2: She was deaf, blind and couldn't talk.
Student #1: I thought that was Anne Frank.
--City Tech College
Wednesday One-Liner Cheney
NYU frat boy to another: Remember that time you popped that zit on my dick?!
--Waverly Place & Broadway
Overheard by: lezbotron
Older suit to younger suit: If you want people to move out of your way you just gotta say shit like: pussy, dick, cunt! (people move out of the way) See?
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Brad
Thug to another, exiting a deli: The Salvation Army can suck my dick.
--Stanton & Ludlow
Overheard by: CN
Girl wearing hijab: That depends on whose dick it is!
--Hunter College, 68th & Lexington
Overheard by: off white
Doctor, It Hurts When I Wednesday My One-Liners!
White college girl: I would definitely want to be a doctor, if I didn't have to go to medical school.
--Fordham University
Nurse to another: Well, it seems that the themes of the day were UTIs and pregnancies.
--NYU Student Health Center
Overheard by: had neither
Black male pre-teen to mother: I know all about doctors, 'cause I watch shows about that. (pause) Actually, I watch Dr Phil.
--1 Train
Guy to two girls: I had to fire my doctor, I didn't like what he told me.
--39th & Lexington
Doctor, drawing on napkin and displaying results to student: This is you...in 40 years, in a fugue state. In Turkey. Dissociative fugue--learn neurology!
--168th & Fort Washington
Wednesday One-Liners Are Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland
Woman: One time this guy punched me...but it was alright, cause I was on coke.
--2 Train
Overheard by: Laura Grossman
Female hipster on cell: I'm coked up and all alone, Harvey, how do you expect me to feel?
--Humboldt & Ainslie, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Joseph Hernandez
Girl on cell: I haven't done coke in like a week. It's been a rough week.
--Upper East Side
Hot 20-something tourist girl to friend: Pfft, the Meatpacking District. That's false advertising...I got no meat packed in me last night. All I did was steal that bag of cocaine from those guys.
--Broadway & Wooster
Overheard by: ClassyGal
Female 20-something on phone: Yeah, he realized it was too late when he couldn't tell the difference between the piles of sugar, the piles of flour, and the piles of cocaine.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners Just Do It for the Endorphins
Mystified/amused pot dealer, as two jocks jog past him after sunset: They just runnin'! No cops, no robbers, no cowboys, no Indians, nothing blowin' up. They just runnin'!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: innocent bystander
Dad to three-year-old boy learning to how to swing: Well, maybe if you were in better shape, this would be easy for you. You need to work on your abdominals.
--Rckefeller Park
Overheard by: Maria
White buff guy, during spin class: I need to do some serious laundry, so I only had the one clean towel. If ya can't get one, I can always just give you mine and do my usual air dry jumping jacks for the insane amount of fems they have in the locker room over there. But apparently I have a bad-case-of-gay-face, because they look at me like a fat kid in front of the tasty delight window.
--29th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Lace
Suit to another: I wish I could bench press the sins of the world!
--74th St & Broadway
Girl in short skirt and stilettos: Did we just power-strut too far?
--PATH
Wednesday One-Liners Fade to Black
Slightly drunk kid from Alaska: I realized I had blacked out when I woke up on top of my sister.
--14th St
Overheard by: The Reverend
Young girl on cell: You passed out from him choking you? (pause) Like...does it...um...sting? Did he apologize at least? (pause) Ya know, it's not okay to get so fucked up that you don't know that he's choking you.
--Max Cafe
Overheard by: D to the ana
Loud girl on cell: Oh my god! Don't even worry about hitting on her too much, she was totally blacked out last night!
--Whole Foods Union Square
Overheard by: bildita
Preppy girl: Is "faint" a euphemism for "boner"?
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Diana
Wednesday One-Liners. (Allegedly)
Snooty female 30-something to friend: Pap-smears are, to me, the new fake eyelashes.
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: ianbobian
Aggressive New Yorker: So he pulls out his fucking fake-ass parking pass, and I pull out my gun. And I'm like "you still wanna park here, asshole? Go ahead!"
--60th St & Broadway
Screaming drunk girl to slightly sober guy: If you're going to be fake to me, at least be fake to my face!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Really!?!?
Girl on cell: Okay, call me when you're done entertaining the fake Jews.
--Cafe, Church & Walker
Loud woman: No, it was a fake. I'd have to like, sleep with him to get the real one, you know?
--Hester & Mott
Overheard by: Jensel
Blow It Out Your Wednesday One-Liner
Well-dressed British man on cell, as he walks oddly: Listen girl, I farted so hard yesterday I blasted half my ass off. (pause) No, seriously! I am still walking funny!
--24th St b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Joseph
Teenage boy to another: One time this hot bitch farted on my lap, and I didn't know what to do.
--12th St & University Place
Crazy hobo sitting on blanket: I used to wear underwear, but then I farted and left a stain, so decided no more. Can anyone spare any change?
--87th & Broadway
Overheard by: Nynanny
Girl from Louisiana: What can I say? I'm a Southern girl. I fart crawfish.
--McLean Ave, Yonkers
Woman on phone: Well, the romance is out of my life: this morning Greg came in my mouth, then straight away leaned back and farted.
--Beard St & Van Brunt St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: craig hunter
Wednesday One-Liners Are Kinda Fruity
Suit: If Mark didn't fall asleep and get his photo taken with lemons on his head, he might still be here.
--Elevator, Midtown
Overheard by: It got even better when they elaborated
Sweater-clad hipster guy: I probably spend more per year on strawberries and cream than on my education. It's worth it, though. I value them more than my education.
--Starbucks, Brooklyn
Teenage girl: I don't want you to tell me there's a banana somewhere in there, I want to see the banana go in there!
--Church Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Sonny
Girl to guy drinking juice: Eating mangoes makes vaginas taste better.
--Broadway & 9th St
Overheard by: Jessica
Irritated voice in choir loft, in the dark, at the end of Good Friday service: In all the excitement, I seem to have sat on my banana.
--60th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: haysoos
Man on cell: Did anybody give grandma her mango? You know that bitch flips shit if she don't get her mango!
--Central Park
Overheard by: queenofscots
The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday One-Liner
Woman on cell: Why aren't you looking for some boy to do it for free?
--E 3rd & 1st Ave
Overweight MTA worker with megaphone: Free shuttle buses to Utica Ave. Follow the crowd. Free shuttle buses to Utica Ave. Follow the crowd. No shirt, no shoes: no service!
--Franklin Ave Subway
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
Homeless guy: Free boogers! Get your free boogers!
--8th & 6th
Overheard by: Zack
Old woman with glass of wine and full plate, stumbling out onto the sidewalk: Ha! It's free! Everyone, free food! Ha!
--Open House Art Exhibition, 106th St & Broadway
Guy giving out free pens: Come on, don't be shy! Come get your free pens! This is New York City, only thing you're gonna get for free are these pens and your mother's love.
--Kimmel, NYU
Wanna-be thug eating ice cream: Wanna know how much I paid for this? S'free! I stole it.
--125th St & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Hobo stopped for stealing a box of bottled water: But Obama's President! Everything should be motherfucking free for the next 279 years!
--Duane Reade
I Was Born a Wednesday, but I Identify With One-Liners
Guy to girlfriend and friend: Goddammit, neither one of you is a gay man trapped in a woman's body.
--8th & 9th
Overheard by: cracking up
Girl on cell: Are all she-males gay? Cause if they're into women, sign me up.
--Astor Place
Teen on cell: Dudes have, like, purses here...
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Al-master
Guy to friend: She's not a tranny, but she's, y'know: tran-y.
--Grand St & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: KateM
Man on cell: You and I are both complex women. It's more complicated than that.
--21st St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Ben
Wednesday One-Liners Get a Reltney
Hipster girl: And he's always like, "oh god, I'm so hard!" and I'm always just like, "really?"
--Kimmel Cafeteria, NYU
Loud passenger: I'm so horny I'd fuck a potato right now.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: fingerling
Guy: I've had a hard-on all day! I need to polish my lid.
--Hard Rock Cafe
Bearded hipster to another, on blanket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a boner.
--McCarren Park, Williamsburg
Overheard by: kalbijim
Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a boner while we're talking about Mexicans and drowning?
--Williamsburg
Wednesday One-Liners Swear It's Swine Flu
Sick cop to another: The way I see it, you've got seven holes in your head. If you don't wanna get sick, you just gotta keep your fingers out of those seven holes. Then you'll be good.
--ER, Saint Vincent Hospital
Overheard by: Dustin
Old-school pimp on cell: I'm sick. (pause) Naw, baby, I just want you to bring me some money and chicken soup.
--96th & Columbus Ave
Woman on phone: Yeah, I'm doing really well. I just have some cancerous issues. But other than that, I'm great!
--East Village
Overheard by: Erin
Woman to friend: So I was worried I had a urinary tract infection or something, even though it didn't hurt when I was peeing. But it turns out it was just a pube stuck in my clit.
--R Train
Overheard by: what the hell?
Guy to friend: So, I finally got athlete's foot.
--116th & Broadway
Chick to guy friend: Well, if you hadn't spent the entire morning cursing out yo momma, then you wouldn't had gotten swine flu!
--Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Amused Freshman
Hippie girl on cell: Hey, mom! How are you? (pause) Not so good, actually, my bloodwork just came back and I have Lyme disease! (pause) I know...it's like 70 degrees here!
--42nd & Park Ave
Overheard by: AwkwardTwig
It's Time to Play "Which Is More Homoerotic?"
Guy: Let's go watch the Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience!
Girl: Suck my dick.
--86th & 3rd
And Only Godzilla Can Save Us!
College girl #1: I can't believe you don't know Allison, she's infamous!
College girl #2: Well, Jesse James is infamous but I don't know him either.
College girl #1: Jesse James is dead. Allison is the mega-slut on our floor!
--Barnard College
Overheard by: even i know her
...How Could You End a Sentence with a Preposition?
Ghetto girl: Yo, I didn't realize your birthday was on the day you were actually born on.
Friend: Seriously?!
--E Train
Overheard by: Squiggle
Again, Amy Didn't Expect It to Be Beautiful
Little boy to mother: Mommy, what is that?
Mother: It's a woman, sweetie.
Little girl, screaming to mother: Mommy, she's naked! That woman is naked!
(mother ignores her)
Little girl, whispering: She's naked, she's a naked woman.
--1 Train
So I Assume We're Grading on a Curve
Girl: Where they weird?
Guy: I don't know. They were Australian.
--M14D Bus
...But, Um, No.
Black comedy show promoter: Do you want to see a comedy show tonight?
Teenage white girl: Um...no.
Black promoter: Come on. Do you even like black people?
Teenage white girl, with huge smile on her face: Why yes! I love black people!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Haefster
Now You Just Have to Deal with My Habits.
Young mother: You keep stepping on my flats! Ugh, I'm gonna kill you!
Teen girl: No you're not. If you didn't have me, you'd be a nun.
--Starbucks, 17th & Broadway
Overheard by: CreativeBunny
As It Clearly States in That Letter from Paul to the Ephesians
Thug: So growing up, he used to be this little guy with a fat face, all squinched up, with a huge mushroom haircut. And then high school hits, and bam! He grows his hair long...
Thugette: I know! He's like Jesus Christ! Oh my god!
Thug: Yeah! If you gave him a haircut and a little shape-up, he'd totally be Jesus.
Thugette, laughing hysterically: You think Jesus was getting a shape-up all the time? I don't think Jesus needed no shape-up!
--1 Train
Mr. Coulier Was the Last Person We'd Suspect
20-something guy: Dave, are you Superman?
Dave: Yeah, I am!
20-something guy, screaming: See? See? Your whole thing goes down the shitter.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: Touche
Suddenly I'm Craving Chocolate Chip Cookies
Girl: What if I started saying "ahoy!" instead of "hello"?
Group of girls: Ahoy!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Pirate at Heart
Not 'Til You Can Learn to Master Your Gag Reflex, Young Lady
12-year-old girl: Mom, can we get a hot dog or something later?
Girl's mom: No, it'll make you fat.
12-year-old girl: But...
Girl's mom: Fat!
--F Train
Overheard by: Immallama
Nobody Parties Like Classics Majors Party
Girl #1: I have a dirty, pathetic crush on Octavian. But really only when he's Octavian. Caesar Augustus, not as much.
Girl #2: I can definitely see that. He was pretty cute. And he was the emperor.
Girl #1: If I'd been around, I would have knifed that Livia bitch and totally tapped that ass. (pause) That imperial ass.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: I'll be your emperor
So Now I'm Learning Seductive Phrases in Klingon
Teen girl #1: I think you should just jump him.
Teen girl #2: I tried. It's a complicated situation.
Teen girl #1: How's that?
Teen girl #2: Well, I told him that I was bored and home alone...
Teen girl #1: And?
Teen girl #2: And he told me he was busy watching Star Trek.
--Alice's Tea Cup
Why It's Better to Marry a Gay Guy
Hurried woman: Well, I don't want to wear heels. Could I just wear flats?
Annoyed and confused man, angrily: I don't know what flats are! As long as they're not moon shoes you'll be fine.
--F Train
Also, Your "Work Uniform" Is a G-String and Pasties
Girl #1: So he's like, "I saw your Facebook photos of you outside of your work uniform. You really like to party." And I'm like, "Well, I'm 25 and single, what else do you think I like to do?"
Girl #2: Yeah, I mean really. But you know, it's assumed that if you're under 27, all you do is party and sleep around.
--Kew Gardens
Overheard by: CollegiateCutie
I'm Still Full from Lunch.
Ghetto guy: You want to suck another dick.
Frizzy-haired blonde: I ain't sucking anyone else's dick today.
--W 4th St & Broadway
Overheard by: JZ
...But All I'd Said Was, "Some Weather, Huh?"
Guy, after lengthy technical explanation: Yeah, so SPF 10 is only twice as strong as SPF 5.
Girl: Now I get it.
--Elevator, 39th & 2nd
Overheard by: kerin
9 Out Of 10 Physicians Agree!
Girl #1: Say it! My boobs are juicy and delicious!
Girl #2: No!
Girl #1: Come on, say it! You know it's true!
--91st St & Madison
Straight People Really Need to Learn the Art Of Apologin
Hipster queer #1: I brought you out here to tell you that I slept with your boyfriend last night.
Hipster queer #2: You are a bad bad friend.
Hipster queer #1: You've had worse.
Hipster queer #2: But not hairier.
Hipster queer #1: Would you like some gin?
Hipster queer #2: Obviously.
--Central Park
Overheard by: hairless
Worst. Infomercial. Ever.
Girl: I have to pee sooooo bad!
Mother: You just went to the bathroom ten minutes ago.
Girl: But I have to pee again! Can you put something in my vagina to hold it up?
--M104 Bus
Except, Of Course, a Big Grin.
Travel agent: But they do give a wristband to all-inclusive guests and...
Slightly pudgy woman, in exasperated voice: But I don't usually wear anything on holidays!
--Travel Agent, 23rd St
Tofu : Vegetables :: Dick Cheney : Humans
Veggie-curious girl: I like to get this really great dressing and then add all sorts of interesting vegetables.
Supportive friend: Like what?
Veggie-curious girl: Tofu!
--Rockefeller Plaza
Overheard by: receptionist
Headline by: EddieA
Runners-Up:
· "And Croutons!" - Vanessa
· "Gesundheit!" - Sandy Paws
· "If Regan Can Make Ketchup a Vegetable, Why the Fuck Not?" - Humberto
· "It's the Other White Vegetable" - do2na
· "Sometimes I Get Crazy and Add Bacon Bits!" - Botticus
· "The Vitamin Deficiency Related Death Was Really No Surprise" - Proletariat
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And See If Fate Lends a Hand
Guy #1: Dude, there is this bar up in Albany where you are basically guaranteed a hand-job. You don't even have to buy them a drink, it is like destiny.
Guy #2: We should go there this weekend.
--6 Train
Overheard by: nicjustice
"Cancun," Loosely Translated, Means "Filthy Twenty-Somethings"
Girl on train #1: Yeah, that was when I was snorting coke out of Maya's fake nails.
Girl on train #2, appalled: Ew! That's so dirty!
Girl on train #1: It was spring break in Mexico, everything was dirty.
Girl on train #2, shrugging: True.
--A Train
Pippi Longstocking Had This Problem Well Into Adulthood
Guy to friend: So, Kirsten's cute.
Friend: I only like her in her leggings.
--NYU
Overheard by: yomama
Tonight, on Queer As Fock...
Drunk passerby to group of hipsters in front of him: All these fucking nerdy guys are with hot girls these days.
Female hipster: Oh, why thank you! He's gay, so it doesn't really matter anyway.
Drunk passerby: Oh, damn. He's gay...?
Male hipster: Yeah, but I'm a math major, so it was fair of you to call me nerdy.
--East Village
Unless Cocaine and Penises Count
Chubby girl: I need to lose some weight before I go on vacation. What did you eat when you went on your three-day diet?
Anorexic girl: Uh...I didn't.
--Union Square
And a College Boy Would Never Put That in an Inappropriate Place
Guy #1: Yeah, so I'm going back to the doctor to get the rash checked out. They think I might be allergic to my girlfriend's...
Guy #2, interrupting: Oh god, I don't want to know.
Guy #1: Skin lotion!
Guy #2: Oh.
Guy #1: Dude, what did you think I was about to say? It's on my hand.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: I wasn't thinking it.
Did You Shave Your Eyes Again, Harry?
Crazy man to cop: Where's you hair? Where's your hair?
Cop: What did you do to yourself?
Crazy man: I didn't do nothin'. Where's your hair?
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Ems
Let Him Raid My Lost Ark! Enter My Temple Of Doom!
NYU girl #1: What about Harrison Ford? You know, Indiana Jones?
NYU girl #2: Ew! He's like, 80.
NYU girl #1: He's 67, thank you, and I'd wrangle his whip anytime!
--Washington Square
I Think I Saw This Short at the Cannes Film Festival
Blue collar guy to random guy holding a musical instrument: I wish I had a harpsichord. I'd put on an old fashioned movie and play it in the dark. You wouldn't even need a drink!
Musical guy: A drink wouldn't hurt.
Blue collar guy: No, it wouldn't. (takes a bottle of rum out of his pocket and takes a swig)
--N Train
Overheard by: Pretending to listen to her music
Let's Swing by After Ultimate Fighting Practice!
Huge black guy #1: Oh man, they have a wonderful exfoliator. It's wonderful!
Huge black guy #2: Oh, yeah man. You know where we got to go? It's this place called lush!
--Time Warner Center
...Without Saying "Please"
Little girl: I want a cookie!
Grandmother: Ain't you know better, girl? You can't eat junk like that!
--KFC, Park Slope
Overheard by: Starscream
From the Director's Cut Of Thelma and Louisa
Drunk girl on bike #1: How's your nose?
Drunk girl on bike #2: How's your neck?
Drunk girl on bike #1: Hey, all I'm saying is that I'd rather get a hickey from a random boy I don't know than break my nose by falling off my bike. (falls off her bike) Shiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Girl #2: How's your fucking nose now, whore?
--NYU
Naked Natalie Is Your Sister?
Guy #1, yelling: Bye, girls! Keep your clothes on!
Guy #2: Dude...that's my sister.
--W 3rd & Mercer
Overheard by: Checking her out
So Which Came First, Then?
Girl #1: So my boyfriend brought me crown fried chicken for dinner the other night.
Girl #2: Oh, yeah?
Girl #3: I heard they cum in it.
--Queens College
...And Potentially Fuck You?
Skater: Come on. Hang out.
Murray Hill-looking PR-type chick: Fuck you! You're a fag! You'd rather hang with your loser friends in this fucking rat hole? I would have fucked you, if you just came to Manhattan but...
Skater: C'mon hang. It'll be cool.
Murray Hill-looking PR-type chick: Oh, fuck this. I'm taking this cab. Have fun sucking your buddy's cock, asshole!
Skater, after watching her leave: Fucking bitch! (pauses, then asks perfect stranger) Hey, can I buy a cigarette from you?
--12th St & Bedford
Read the Previous Week's Quotes!
