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Raise Your Hand If You Still Know the Theme Song
Tween #1: Susan Sarandon...why do I know that name?
Tween #2: Wasn't she on Step by Step?
Tween #1: Oh my god, I loved that show!
--The Barrymore Theatre, where Susan Sarandon Stars in Exit The King
Your Editors Want to Order Whatever He Had
Starbucks employee: Sir, what is your name, so we can help you?
Man lying on floor: Well, my first name is Neil, like Neil Sedaka, but I'm not him. My last name is Bolton, like Michael Bolton, but I'm also not him. My name is Neil Bolton.
--Starbucks, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Stina
And Has Tons Of Those Cute Sailor Hats!
Friend #1: So, you know his cousin? He's a strategic navigator in the Navy.
Friend #2: Yeah?
Friend #1: So, he's really good at connect four!
--Brooklyn Museum Subway Station
Wasn't That One Of the Garbage Pail Kids?
Ranting teenager: Pregnancy hurts! I just don't understand why we can't just lay eggs like chickens.
Random hobo: No one likes their babies sunny side up!
--2nd Ave & 10th St
Hasn't She Suffered Enough?
Man: Aww...why are you grumpy?
Woman: I'm not grumpy! I just don't like when you talk about getting head from Nancy Reagan!
--St. John's Place, Park Slope
Overheard by: Hunter
When I Say "No Tracheotomy," I Mean It
Woman #1: After that Oprah, I knew we needed to work at our problems.
Woman #2: Good for you, good for you.
Woman #1: Yeah, I was like "Nigga, you better get up off me, take this knife off my throat, and use some motherfuckin words."
Woman #2: Girl. Just like Rihanna.
--Escalator, Penn Station
Overheard by: JHillary
Ta-Tas Prove Nothing in This Neighborhood, Mon Ami
Foreign girl #1 to lesbian entering ladies' room: I'm sorry, this is a ladies' room.
Lesbian: I'm a woman.
Foreign girl #1: Oh my god, I'm so sorry! That's the worst thing I've ever done!
Foreign girl #2, coming out of stall: Wait, no. You're so not a woman!
Lesbian: You wanna see the ta-tas?
--Sidewalk Bar, 6th & Ave A
Most People Can't See Me, Y'know
Awkward middle-aged man: Hi.
College student: Uh, hi.
Awkward middle-aged man: Sorry I keep staring at you. It's just that you remind me of a mythical creature. Or maybe it's a Muppet.
College student: Oh. Let me guess...Snuffleupagus?
Awkward middle-aged man: Yes, that's it!
--6 Train
Which, Coincidentally, Is Also the Name Of My Band.
Chick: I wanna get me one of those, like, silent dogs?
Guy: It'll probably be a sneaky dog.
--1 Train
Overheard by: de kraai
The First Glitch in Your Matrix Is Always the Hardest, Honey
Obese middle-aged lady: So I went to mail a letter...and the mailbox I've used for 25 years was gone! What do you think that even means? Did someone steal it? Why would they just remove a mailbox?
Skinny middle-aged white man, incredulously: I've never heard of anything like that in my entire life.
Obese middle-aged lady: I know, I was literally standing there for 15 minutes wondering what to do. I missed my train, I really don't know why they would remove a mailbox.
Skinny middle-aged white man: That is crazy. I've never heard of that.
(couple then repeats variations of the same conversation for the next three stops)
--Downtown 1 Train
People Are Drawn to Closing Doors, Like Moths to a Flame
Conductor, very loudly and emphatically: This is 28th Street. 34th Street is next, stand clear of the closing doors!
Four-year-old girl to mother: Why is he upset?
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: mersayseh
My High School Class Voted Me "Most Likely to Be Murdered"
Girl #1, on her way to Flatbush: Oh my god, I'm so late and it's getting dark!
Girl #2: So what?
Girl #1, in frightened tone: Are you kidding me? What if something bad happens to me?
Girl #2: Don't worry! I don't think anyone will want to rape you.
Girl #1, angry: Excuse me! I'm totally rapeable!
--4th Ave & Bayridge
Dude, You Got Mad Geezer Skills!
Old man #1, yelling at unstopping cabs: Hey! Hey! Come on!
Old man #2, with cane, hobbles over: No, no! You've gotta use your cane. Like this! (sticks his cane out into the street, a cab stops)
Old man #1: Hey! Next time, I'm bringing my cane!
Old man #2, hobbling away: You're welcome.
--W 57th b/w 9th & 10th
Remember When He Brought Home The Layin' King?
Girl #1: Yeah, and then my dad brought home Dumbo, to watch for himself!
Girl #2: Yeah, but at least it wasn't porn.
--Fordham University
That's the Feminist Critique Of My Academic Career
Hipster boy playing Big Buck Hunter: Yo, I should write a feminist critique of Big Buck Hunter.
Hipster girl: Wouldn't it just be, "fail"?
--The Turkey's Nest Bar, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Kid Kyle
Victoria's Most Well-Kept Secret
Son to father: Daddy, do they sell Spiderman clothes in here?
Father: No, I am pretty sure they don't sell Spiderman stuff in here.
Son: Yes they do!
--Victoria's Secret
Yeah? Fuck Both Of Them.
Old man on bus: Are you going to watch the derby?
Younger man on bus: No...I don't like horse racing at all, actually. I think it's cruel.
(pause)
Old man: You remember Paul Revere?
Younger man: Yeah.
Old man: He rode a horse.
--Bus Into Port Authority
Interestingly, He Agreed.
Annoying college girl #1: Your boyfriend is so sweet!
Annoying college girl #2: I know. Did I tell you what he did? He sent me an e-mail with teddy bears in hearts with flowers all around.
Annoying college girl #1: Awww.
Annoying college girl #2: Yeah. I told him he was gay.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: serena
That "Stacy's Mom" Video Ruined My Whole Generation
Indian girl to boyfriend: Can you believe she did that? I was just like "what the fuck?"
Boyfriend, obviously not paying attention: Mhhmm. You're right.
Indian girl, angrily: Stop thinking about my mother's breasts!
--Kimmel Student Centre, NYU
Overheard by: I know I would
The Best I Can Offer You Is French Vomiting
Drunk woman: I just went from good drunk to bad drunk. I don't even want to have sex anymore.
Drunk man: I don't even think I'd know how.
--Outside Bar
Overheard by: diana
I Already Took Out Your Garbage and Walked Your Dog-- What More Do You Want?
Asian clerk, yelling at gangsta guy: No, you angry. You not have to come in here and be angry like that.
Gangsta guy, trying to pay for something he wants to buy: I don't need to be yelled at. You ain't yellin at nobody else in here. You ain't yellin at nobody but me.
Asian clerk: No, no...you angry in here.
Gangsta guy: You ain't yellin at nobody else. I don't need to be yelled at. That's what I got a mom for.
--Penn Station
He Gets 90% Of His Information from Fox News
Hobo: Hey, this weather sucks huh?
BMX kids: Yeah, totally.
Hobo: You know, the Koreans find storm clouds before they come and shoot them with missiles, so they never get bad weather.
BMX kids: Wow, why is our weather still bad?
Hobo: Koreans...
--Times Square
Overheard by: Dylan
...Unless They're Just There to Sell Speed. Fingers Crossed!
Drunk guy with baggy pants #1, watching two hot girls outside library: Daaamn!
Drunk guy with baggy pants #2: Yeah, man!
Drunk guy with baggy pants #3: Yeah, they're geeks, though.
--Outside NYU Library
That's Something You Have to Figure Out for Yourself, Young Padwan
Gay man in hipster glasses, sticking ass out: Papi! It hurts! Open it up and see what's wrong!
Blonde white girl, whining: But what does that meeeeeeannnnn?
--Bleecker & Perry
Stop Talking As Though Your Brother Doesn't Exist!
Dad: You are being very annoying right now, you know that?
10-year-old girl: Well, it's a good thing mom didn't have twins, huh?
--World of Disney Store
Overheard by: CollegiateCutie
...Based on Those Inappropriate Jeans Alone.
Irritated girl, yelling at boy: No, no, no, no!
Old man, pointing at boy: No!
--78th St & West End
Overheard by: Husky Gregg
Total Cunt.
Teenager to friend: Well, her name is Alexandra, and I was not hooking up with her...
Random passerby, interrupting: Yeah, that's right, I once knew a girl named pussy!
--West Houston St
Overheard by: nickwe
The Melting Pot at Its Finest
Little boy dancing in circles: Challah for a dollah! Challah for a dollah!
Babysitter: Holla? Like "holla back"?
Little boy, stopping dancing: No, fool! The bread! (resumes singing and dancing)
--MoMa
I Also Love That
Aging rocker: I love you, baby face.
Drunk wife, endearingly: Fuck my tits.
--R Train
Overheard by: erak
She'll Be the Next Huge Disney Star?
Mother: I'm not very up to date on things like this, but I'm 90% sure that Alec Baldwin is not a Jonas Brother.
Father: Yeah, well...she was naked and she talked funny, so that tells you something.
--Broadway Theatre
Overheard by: Fiona
Apparently It Made Her Crave Tostitos.
Girl #1: The professor was pretty insulted when I told her the joke.
Girl #2: What was the joke?
Girl #1: How do you get a dead baby into a box? Put it in a blender. How do you get a dead baby out of the box? With Tostitos!
Girl #2: That's gross.
Girl #1: My professor was pregnant.
--Fordham University
You're Right on the Edge, Though
Man on bus to woman next to him: You have a very nice smile.
Woman: Thank you.
Man: And don't you let anyone ever tell you you're fat. You're not. You're pleasantly plump. There's a difference.
--M15A Bus
Overheard by: Matt
And They Lived Happily Ever After
(bunch of people are buying wedding clothes)
Groom, indicating fly area: It's kind of sticking out over here.
Best man: Oh, you're not used to anything bulging in the front, right?
Groom: Well, I'm getting married, so I don't have to worry about that anymore.
Bride: Yeah, whatever. I know I'm going to stop going to the gym.
--Bridal Showroom, Flushing
Overheard by: Josh
Who Else Here Misses 'Boy Meets World'?
Teenage girl: Do you want to come?
Teenage boy: I want to come in your mouth.
--Broadway & 14th St
Overheard by: casey
Headline by: Postteen
Runners-Up:
· "A Young Christina Aguilera Gets Inspired" - PeterR
· "I'm Saving That Honour For Edward Cullen" - wirrrn
· "Just Let Me Take My Retainer Out This Time" - tatts
· "Oh, You Just Got Uninvited" - Stephanie Goe
· "Today's ESL Class: Resolving Ambiguity With Prepositional Phrases" - Rionn Fears Malechem
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...Or Am I Thinking Of That Mel Gibson Movie Where He's All Deformed?
Waiting patron to man in stylist chair: You look like the guy in that old gangster movie. It's not Scarface, though.
Hair stylist: The one with John Travolta, right?
Patron: No, no, it's an old one, with George Raft.
Man in chair: I don't know which one you mean...
Patron: No, it's an old one. Black and white, from the '30s.
Hair stylist: Face/Off, it's with John Travolta and Nicolas Cage.
--125th St & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
What Some Kids Take Away from the Museum Of Natural History
Skater boy: (horrible screeching dinosaur-like scream)
Crowd of skater boy's friends: Pterodactyl orgasm!
--Union Square
Translation: You'd Better Not Gain Weight, Bitch.
Four-year-old girl #1, looking at exhibit of NorthWest Coast Indians: I like her because she's pretty.
Four-year-old girl #2: I like you because you're pretty.
--Natural History Museum
Overheard by: E. M. Rees
Wednesday One-Liners: Fact or Fiction?
Guy: It's like August: Osage County, but with zombies.
--Manhattan Theatre Source
Overheard by: Emily B.
Girl: You know what they say: two in the bush, one in the wizard.
--Dorm, Pratt Institute
College student: Ghosts? They're like VT!
--186th St & Amsterdam
Black female suit on cell: Yeah, well you betta hope Tinkabell comes along... Or whoever the fuck it is who grants you ya damn wishes!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: emily d.
Annoyed man on cell walking down stairs: No, mom, I don't know what werewolves eat! No, mom, I don't! Mom, I can't talk right now, I'm going into the subway!
--Union Square Subway Entrance
Overheard by: Masked Avenger
Wednesday One-Liners See the World With Fresh Eyes
Little boy to dad: Does the Statue of Liberty have a claw?
--Battery Park
Little boy to mother: Will you hurry up? You're slower than my aunt Jebediah in the bathtub!
--Clark St, Brooklyn
Four-year-old boy to mother: And then you fed me...from your belly button!
--Old Navy Store
Overheard by: Joyfully Yours
Little boy playing with friend: Buenos dias, reptile!
--Astoria Park
Overheard by: Julie & Zane
Blond six-year-old, looking at father's New Yorker magazine: What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?
--Doma Cafe
Seven-year-old with Spiderman backpack: Dad, have I lost my youth?
--1 Train
Little girl with pigtails, running to sit with family: We're going to the dark side!
--Sheep Meadow, Central Park
I Was Told There'd Be No Wednesday One-Liner on This Exam
Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there are four doors on each subway car. If one of them is crowded, walk over to another door. Seriously! We do not need 86 people standing at 86th Street. Just move to another door. It's simple mathematics!
--C Train
Teen shopper to friend: I like hate math except for like...when I'm counting calories and stuff.
--Fashion Closet
Girl to guy: Some people believe in the laws of attraction, I believe in the laws of subtraction.
--Bus Stop Cafe
Pharmacist to another: What's one half of a half?
--CVS
African-American father to five-year-old daughter: You see? That's why I send you to a Chinese school. Because those Chinese kids know how to do math. You gotta know how to do math if you want to make something of yourself. If I sent you to a black school, you'd just turn into a crackhead. If I sent you to a white school you'd turn into an asshole. But those Chinese kids, man, they know how to do shit.
--4 Train
Teacher: And if your friend comes up to you and says, "man, yesterday I had cosecant pi plus cotangent 2 pi slices of pizza today," ...and you went and figured it out, you'd look at him and say "man, you're an asshole!"
--Hunter College High School
Overheard by: Kevo
We Heart Wednesday One-Liners, Now More Than Ever
Guy to friend: Oowee! Some weed and a perm! That's my perfect New York day.
--West Village
Overheard by: Joe
Conductor: Step in, stand clear...let's go New York!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Ashley Nelson
Intoxicated creepster: Are we in Manhattan? What the hell! This city is so full of New Yorkers!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Lizzzzz
Bitter man on subway: I think one summer here would cure them of any love they have for this town.
--1 Train
Passerby to surprised-looking wife, watching fight: They're fighting. It's New York, that's what people do in this city.
--City Hall
Overheard by: ascorbique & almost famous
Grinning paramedic to female tourist in shock, strapping her to backboard after she was struck by a car: Welcome to New York!
--34th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Mateo que Feo
Wednesday One-Liners Are Older, but No Wiser
Crotchety old Jewish lady, passing Palm Sunday parade: Easter is for amateurs.
--W 72nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Naomi Choy Smith
Little old lady looking down steep basement stairway: Wow...I wouldn't want to be drunk going down those stairs!
--Broome & Essex
Old guy: I'm going out for a smoke. If you see someone take this jacket, shoot to kill.
--Starbucks
Old man with beard, hunched over walker, watching couple holding hands: You two been doin' the nasty, ain't ya?
--27th & Broadway
Old black lady in wheelchair: I mean, what was he gonna do with a dead body?
--Bowery
Overheard by: Lauren
Very old man to another, in thick New York accent: Ya gotta take it...and put it on ya rectum like this. (demonstrates with hand gesture)
--53rd St & 10th Ave
Elderly gentleman to another: From now on, you will obey me!
--Carnegie Hall
Wednesday One-Liners Contemplate Eating Their Young
Man yelling at children: If I see it I spank it!
--94th St & Columbus
Overheard by: olivia
Mother to complaining seven-year-old daughter: Let's pretend we're the Israelites wandering in the desert.
--42nd St & 8th Ave
Mom to child: If you do that again, I swear to god, I will make you ride outside! I will strap you to the wing and make you ride outside!
--JetBlue Plane, JFK Tarmac
Woman to small child looking at store window: Jean-Claude, you simply cannot be this demanding at two and a half!
--3rd Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Paula Katinas
Mother to screaming child: You are so mean! Who raised you? Wild animals? Indians?
--Greene St, SoHo
Overheard by: Mememonkey
Mom getting on subway to small kids: Well, now you know what "burlesque" means!
--1 Train
Wednesday One-Liners Go Chasing Waterfalls
Guy in line for the bathroom: Man, it takes a lot of trust to let someone piss through your legs.
--Angelika Theater
Girl: If I had a barbecue on my stoop, three queens would pee on it on the first night. I mean, you'd think they wouldn't, since it's a historically gay street. But I've seen so many queens peeing on Christopher Street when it's nice out!
--28th & 5th
Overheard by: Donk
Really drunk girl: I have to pee so bad! I almost peed on the corner, but then I remembered I don't have a penis.
--14th St
NYU girl, immediately after taking shot of tequila: Guys, I have to pee, but I don't want to pee out the patron!
--NYU Dorm
NYU girl: I'm going to go see her! I sobered up for this! I drank tons of water! I could pee my ass out!
--8th & University
Short cop on his phone: Peed? You peed on the bed?
--21st St b/w 3rd & 2nd
Your Editors Have Seen All These Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: Oh my god, I was watching some porn the other day and saw the creepiest thing! (pause) No, it's not a penis. I've seen penises before. (pause) No, it wasn't an ugly penis. That would be like...what, a herpes penis? (pause) So anyway, I was watching this porno, right? This guy lubed up his head and stuck it into a vagina. Like, up to his friggin'...past his nose! (pause, then laughing) I get off on lubed-up heads? (pause) Yeah, he was bald.
--11th St & 5th Ave
Preppy guy: If it's made out of brass, it's not pornographic.
--Brooklyn Botanical Gardens
Overheard by: Hunter (aka
Guy on cell: Yeah, so I got this one called Stick it in Deep.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: j
Indignant law student: Look, the fact is, the videos of animal torture were not being used for sexual gratification!
--Fordham Law School
Beatnik professor: The internet is only good for two things. Online banking is not one of them. If you online bank, then you're fucked for life. They'll steal your identity. The internet is good for porn, and for getting underwear on sale. Now, I know many people may find buying a brassiere online to be strange, but women do it anyway. Now, the internet is great for porn, but you can't do kiddie porn. If you do kiddie porn then they'll get you. We all know who they are.
--Queens College
Wednesday One-Liners: Now in Color!
Asian schoolgirl to friend: So he says "you're a racist," and I'm like, "I can't be a racist, I'm a race!"
--Ridgewood, Queens
Overheard by: Squidocto
Fair-skinned Italian Long Island woman: So they both took a paper bag test, and passed.
--Barnes & Noble Cafe
Overheard by: a.j.w.
Yuppie Indian woman: In *my* culture, I'm not black.
--Flatbush Ave
Overheard by: mojbe
Ridiculously loud girl employee: Bobby! What's your ethnicity?
--NYU
Overheard by: ...not the only shocked observer
Eight-year old black kid to 20-something babysitter, about younger brother: He likes black girls, but I like white girls!
--Outside Delancey Station
Wednesday O-o-o-oooo-One-Liners
Skinny Spanish girl: That nigga was saying how he had me moaning and screaming, but I was like, "nigga, I'm just loud--that doesn't mean you're good!"
--Ft. Hamilton Parkway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: also loud
Ghetto chick to friend: Yo...in my country, it's illegal to not please your woman. You gotta fuck her till she begs you to stop.
--116th & 1st
Overheard by: DonnaRae
Man on phone: Yeah...I just fingerblasted her for like an hour. No big deal.
--E 4th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: intern2
Mom to teenage son: And I was like "sure, have sex in my bed, it never sees any."
--Mercer & W 3rd
Girl on cell: Oh no, he's back fucking his secretary now, so I'm like, completely free!
--East Village
20-something on cell, after loud graphic sex tale: And don't you be telling anyone! I don't like strangers knowing my business.
--Express Bus to Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners: Unfiltered.
Chick on cell, not visibly pregnant: I'm having a c-section and a cigarette.
--Simply Natural, 43rd & 10th
Overheard by: Pleased
Recurrent drunkard to bar: I'm not a smoker! I'm a libertarian, for fuck's sake!
--Peter McMannus Pub
LIRR conductor: There will be no pugilism on this train. Additionally, tonight marks the first night of Kwanzaa, and in the spirit of Kwanzaa, I ask you to not smoke on this train. This is the final warning: if you are smoking, you will be ejected at the next convenient stop. Also, no throwing up is allowed on the train. The two places where you may throw up are in the conveniently-located bathrooms, or on yourselves. Again, merry Kwanzaa.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Jenna K
NYU girl: Do you have a cigarette to ease my cough?
--Waverly & Mercer
Chick: Mad Men is like porn for smokers.
--172nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
The United One-Liners Of Wednesday
Female suit on cell: And if we get custody, we can take the girls to North Carolina! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!
--37th St & Madison
Overheard by: catching a train
Little boy: Mommy, is California really far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?
--N Train
Crazy-eyed lady on subway: The public schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he's getting all As in private school! We need to stop putting money into Georgia and put money into our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alaska, because if we don't, Russia's going to get a pipeline in there and take it all!
--Uptown R Train
Overheard by: Anna P.
20-something woman: I think he's just going to club me...and drag me back to Alaska.
--Bleecker & 11th
Overheard by: Imma club you
Father to five-year-old daughter touching signposts and cars: You can rub anything you want in Connecticut, honey, but we have to be careful in New York.
--Union Square
Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hillbillies be fucking chillin' on the block. Ain't no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fucking crazy and kills, like, ten people? Like he's walking down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.
--V Train
But That's What We Said in the Womb, and That Turned Out Okay
Drunk girl in bathroom: It's so warm it here! I don't want to leave!
Friend: I know!
--Beer Garden, Queens
Overheard by: next stall over
Just Like I Did for My Cirque Du Soleil Audition
Blond girl: So how are things with you and the boy?
Redheaded friend: I'm so happy I could shit a puppy!
--G Train
Overheard by: Rachel
At Which Point He Recommended Botox
36-year-old bald clubster: There's no way you're 36. I'm 36, and there's just no way.
36-year-old woman: No! Really, I am.
36-year-old bald clubster: What did you do--make a deal with the devil?
36-year-old woman: We've talked.
--Union Square
Overheard by: birdie
And Everyone Sounds Fucking Retarded When They're Overheard.
Hipster boy, texting: So is it "in-" or "impregnate"?
Hipster girl: I'm pretty sure it's "impregnate."
Hipster boy: Impregnate? Like an imp?
Hipster girl: Everyone hearing you thinks you're fucking retarded.
Hipster boy: Well, at least I'm not an imp.
--PATH Train
If Gay Muppets Filmed A Nightmare on Elmo Street
Gay guy: I don't know why, they just scare me for some reason.
Lesbian: You're scared of dildos?
Gay guy: Yeah! They're just...always hard. And that scares me.
Lesbian: They're gonna get you. They're gonna come in the night while you sleep.
--NYU Student Lounge
Why the Economy's in the Shitter: Explained.
Wall Street suit #1: Dude, in this economy it's our duty to be good advisors to our clients.
Wall Street suit #2, chuckling: Dude, you just said "doodie."
--Nassau & Liberty
Overheard by: Megz
It's Not Just Trees That Have Trouble Growing in Brooklyn
Mother to toddler: Do I love you a lot or a little?
Toddler: A little?
Mother: No, a lot! It's your shithead father that only loves you a little!
--Jay St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Margaret
Instead Of Feces? Things Are Looking Up!
Hungover girl #1: I should go to the gym so I can feel better about myself.
Hungover girl #2: Don't feel bad about yourself, you just got laid!
Hungover girl #1: Yeah, but I woke up in pee.
--Greenpoint
So I May Not Continue Dating Him
Gangsta girl: I mean, he's just such a loser.
Gangsta boy: Right, yeah.
Gangsta girl: I mean, murder, doing drugs and selling them...that's just so stupid.
--C Train
You're a D at Best, Sir.
Young woman on platform: Hey, where's the A train?
Guy, pointing at himself with both hands: Right here, baby!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Alan Q Smithee
Especially After You Have the Audacity to Thank Me!
Urbanized pothead: Lemme get a pack of them Newports.
Clerk: Thank you sir, have a nice day.
Urbanized pothead: Nigga, don't tell me what to do!
--125th St & Broadway
Good Times, My Friend. Good Times.
Fat black girl #1: Remember that time he didn't come out because he said he had diarrhea?
Fat black girl #2: Yeah, and then we went over to his house, and he didn't even have diarrhea!
--14th & 2nd
I Think I Saw This Lifetime Movie
Guy: Dude, you're pregnant.
Girl: I know...sucks, right?
--Greenwich Village
I Don't Follow...
Student giving presentation: The angel statue on his grave actually had male genitalia on it, but the cemetery keepers broke it off and used it as a paperweight.
Dumb student: Where on the statue was the genitalia?
Student giving presentation, after long pause: In the same place as male genitalia on a body?
--Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: You've got to be kidding me
How Pajama Bottoms Became Popular As Pants: Explained.
20-something guy: We do need to get jobs, but it's so hard to get ready in the morning!
20-something lesbian friend: What could you possibly have to do in the morning to get ready? You're a bro!
20-something guy: I always have to set my alarm three hours before I actually have to go.
20-something lesbian friend: You *can't* be serious. It takes you three hours to get ready for, like, class?
20-something guy, totally serious: No, it takes me three hours to get out of bed. After that I just walk out the door.
--Fordham Road, The Bronx
You Know You've Hit Rock Bottom When You're Not Classy Enough for the Penn Station Starbucks
Hobo: Do you have a small sample?
Barista #1: We're not giving out any samples.
Hobo: Do you have a cup?
(barista hands him a cup, hobo starts to walk to back of store)
Barista #2: Sir, where are you going?
Hobo: To the bathroom.
Barista #2: We don't have a bathroom.
Hobo: Can I have some water?
Barista #2: No! And do not come back here! Have a nice day!
--Starbucks, Penn Station
Overheard by: BK
HIV Serious?
Sloppy drunk girl to random girl passing by: Fuck as many guys as you possibly can.
Random girl: Umm...
(sloppy girl's drunk friends nod their heads)
Sloppy drunk girl: I'm serious.
--Fordham University
But She Was Fantasizing About Mr. Clean the Whole Time
Girl: Well, she's newly single so...
Guy with baby: So you know what she's looking for.
Girl: Well, she already hooked up with a bartender in a broom closet.
--6th Ave & 19th St
Overheard by: Daniel
I Could See the Tops Of Both Nipples
Guy #1: This isn't that crowded.
Guy #2: Yeah, the other day I was on a different train and we were packed in like sardines, this lady had her boobs in my face.
Guy #1: Oh, that's nice.
Guy #2: And the best part is her shirt said "stop staring, bitch!"
--7 Train
Overheard by: Beck
And I Assume He Did, Too.
Girl: But, I mean, I just believe that Jesus is our savior! I don't see how you can totally discount that...
Guy: Fuck that, man, I like premarital sex.
--Bobst Library, NYU
But Then Won't You Have to Entertain Me?
Very young misbehaving child: But mommy! I really want it!
Annoyed mother: If you don't behave, I'm going to delete all the music off your iPod!
--H&M 35th & 7th
Overheard by: Marissa Pelly
Where the Cons Are Doms
Guy #1, at bar: What?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #3: Really?
Guy #2: Yeah. I don't use condoms. My religion doesn't allow it.
Guy #3: You'll do just fine in prison.
--Dojo's Restaurant, 14th St
Headline by: Incognito
Runners-Up:
· "And That's How the Church Of Barebacking Got Its Start" - Botticus
· "Fortunately for Him, Dudeism Also Forbids Paying Child Support" - Jim C.
· "I Hear There's a Waiting List for Priests..." - Father Dick
· "It's Not Losing Your Virginity If You Don't Use *Your* Penis" - samson
· "Jail: The Last Refuge Of the Religious" - BenGay
· "Stop Calling Our Marriage a Prison" - Sandy Paws
· "The "Abstinence Only" Crowd Finds Their Niche" - again
· "Why Couldn't My Cell Mate Be More Like You?" - Fresca P.
· "You Already Know How to Turn the Other Cheek" - Kelly
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If Only We Could Do This with All Of Manhattan
Conductor on crowded rush hour train: The next stop is Delancy Street, and I order at least half of you to get off this train at that station.
(train arrives at station)
Conductor: Get out!
(train is leaving station)
Conductor: This is a not-so-crowded f train to Brooklyn. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--F Train
Overheard by: Miri
Then Where Are All the Apples, Smart Guy?
Girl: Where is gate 68?
Port authority official: Where are you going?
Girl: New York!
Port authority official, walking away: This is New York.
--Port Authority
Like When I Wrote That Novel, Of Small Rodents and Homo Sapiens
JAP #1: Oh my gawd, I have so many papers to write for school!
JAP #2: My friend is going to Parsons. She's not even that talented.
JAP #1: I'm so bad at writing papers. You know what I do? I find something someone else said. Something that I like...and then I just change the words.
--R Train
I Assume We'll Be Studying Each Others' Anatomy?
Girl #1: Oh my god! We should definitely get together over the summer to study for the MCATs!
Girl #2: Yeah! That way, we'll actually have somewhat of a social life!
--Bard High School Early College
It Turned Out Just to Be a Pepperoni-shaped Sore
Crazy lady: Can I taste that pizza?
Whole Foods employee: No, you're only allowed one sample, and I already gave you one.
Crazy lady: No, you didn't!
Employee: Yes I did, I can see it in your mouth!
Guy in line: Gross.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Like You Should Talk, Mr. "I Want You to Do Lines with My Ashes"?
Teenage girl: I want to be cremated into a diamond. Or...oh! A pearl!
Boyfriend: What, you want your family to put your ashes in a clam shell and hope for the best? Good luck with that!
--F Train
Overheard by: Should Ride the F More Often
...So You Can Do It All Over Again Next Year!
Heavyset guy: You should be out there with a camera, I'll be streaking.
Disgusted girl: I hope they withhold your degree.
--Whitehead Hall, Brooklyn College
How'd You Get Your Hair to Do That?
Suave guy: Where are you from?
Drunk girl: New Jersey!
Suave guy: Oh, yeah? That's cool!
--3rd Ave & 14th St
At Least He Was Man Enough to Muffle His Sobs
Tall girl: So what happened?
Brunette with bangs: I just didn't respond. I figured that'd drive him crazier. Besides, what do I have to say, really? "You sucked in bed and were too emo for me--grow a pair and learn to fuck"? That's not very nice, and frankly, the whole thing was so weird and casual I was glad it ended quietly.
--Enid's, Greenpoint
Ladies Love Doctor Jekyll, but They Fuck Mr. Hyde
Cute young male suit, smiling: Was I erect?
Cute young female suit, smiling: Yes.
Cute young male suit: Did I stay that way?
Cute young female suit: Yes!
Cute young male suit: Amazing!
--E.2nd St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Liz A.
...Does That Mean You Have a Coke Connection??
20-something guy to friend: And then he died of a cocaine-induced overdose, while having sex with a prostitute.
Friend: That's awesome!
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Katie Compa
I Meant to Say "No Homo"
Girl, to crowd of friends: Bye, you guys!
Friends: Bye!
Guy friend: Oh, and sorry about that whole "no Holocaust" thing. I was drunk... *really* drunk.
--Broadway & Waverly Place
Overheard by: Hunter
Is No Nationality Immune from This Line Of Reasoning?
Midwestern tourist: Is she Spanish or retarded?
New Yorker: Retarded.
--19th St & 8th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Danny
You Mean Jersey?
Woman: Where are you going on your vacation?
Man with suitcase: I'm gonna go down south, drink a few piña coladas, and smoke a lot of pot!
--Metro-North
Overheard by: sounds relaxing
Meet New York City's Most Functional Couple
Male suit: See, look at her! (points at woman on BlackBerry) Women are more likely to get killed while texting than men. Men are always aware of their surroundings.
Female suit: No, men just can't walk and text at the same time. Women are better at multi-tasking.
Male suit: Alright, since you're so good at multi-tasking, suck my dick and make me a sandwich.
Female suit: I've got news for you. If you keep eating sandwiches, even hookers won't want to suck your dick.
--Broadway & Astor Place
Overheard by: Ashley
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