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They Make Me Mad Horny!
Thuggy white girl: I don't know why she complaining so much, I mean, they don't hurt that bad.
Skater chick: She just bein' a drama queen.
Thuggy white girl: I know! I mean...everybody got crabs.
--E 9th St & 2nd Ave
...While I Wipe Off the Tears on My Sleeve
Promoter, stopping friends: Hey! You guys look like pretty awesome people!
Friend #1: Nah, we're really not.
Friend #2: Yeah, we're actually pretty lame.
Promoter: Well, you at least like kids, right?
Friend #1: No. I fucking hate kids. They're terrible. I punch them all the time.
Promoter: Haha. Well, what about animals?
Friend #1: Nope. I hate them too...especially kittens and puppies. I punch them too. I do the double punch. Kids and puppies at the same time. (starts punching the air violently with both of her fists)
Promoter: Okay then. You guys have a nice day...
--Union Square
Overheard by: hj
Yup. I Could Tell from That Nauseated Look on Your Face.
Woman #1 in elevator: Why aren't you wearing a jacket? You're going to be freezing!
Woman #2: I don't need one. It's because I'm fat.
Woman #1: (silence)
Woman #2: You know it's true. You're not saying anything because you know I'm fat. Most people would say, "No, no, no. You're not fat!" but you're not saying that because you think I'm fat. Think about it.
Woman #1: I'm thinking about it.
--39th St
Aren't You Glad We Can Talk Like This?
Tween kid: Dude, my mom wants to buy a fucking cow, and she's gonna put it on our apartment roof. (laughs) Thats her "dream" of a farm. I fucking hope she's kidding.
Tween friend: Dude, have you ever tried capers on Cheez-Its?
--Queens
Thin Crust, Then?
Cashier to black man coming in with brochures and clipboard: Sir, we don't allow soliciting in here.
Black solicitor: I ain't Sicilian!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Holly
When They Do, It's Terrifying
Southern tourist #1: Where are you folks from?
Southern tourist #2: North Carolina.
Southern tourist #1: I'm from Virginia. I could tell you're from the South too because you're smiling. Northerners don't smile.
--45th St & Broadway
Overheard by: unsmiling new yorker
...When You Could Just Send Out a Nice Save-the-date Card.
Construction worker #1: I just don't get Facebook.
Construction worker #2: Me either. I don't get why you would need to tell anyone, "Hey! I'm scratching my balls right now."
--Lincoln Plaza
Do You Mind? This Is a Primate Conversation.
Somewhat large woman: And then the orangutan started totally groping me!
Passerby, stopping: You've got my attention.
--7th St & 1st Ave
Pending a Lawsuit from the Llamas
Little girl, talking to Rite-Aid employee: How many letters are there in the alphabet?
Rite-Aid employee: Hmm...let's see. Right now? Right now...24.
Little girl: Aren't there 26?
Rite-Aid employee: Actually there used to be 26, but they took away two.
Little girl: Which ones?
Rite-Aid employee: The ch and the double l.
--Rite-Aid, 86th St
Overheard by: Marie Ziskin
The Multicultural Odd Couple Is a Lot Edgier Than the Original
White teen, grabbing heavy-looking computer monitor from black teen: Fuck, just give it to me, you whiner. You're going to drop it and we'll be screwed, you fucking baby.
Black teen: Bitch, chill, what has been with you lately? Lately you've been acting like you got your white boy period.
White teen: Really. Really. Look at me, look at what I'm carrying. Don't fucking talk to me right now.
Black teen: Definitely, white boy period.
--6th Ave & W 12th St
That, and the Monkeys at Busch Gardens Have Cannons for Arms
Old Park Ave husband: Now this is what the weather is supposed to be.
Old Park Ave wife: Yes. Not too hot, not below zero.
Old Park Ave husband: One of many reasons why Florida is a shit show.
--Park Ave & 61st St
Overheard by: JayHammy
While I'm Coming, I'm Like, "Heeeere's Johnny!"
Guy #1: I jack off and eat at the same time! It's easy!
Guy #2: What? How can you do that? That's gross!
Guy #1: I do it all the time! One hand on my pizza and the other on Johnny!
Guy #2: TMI!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Olee
When You Have to Spend All Day with 4-Year-Olds, You'll Understand.
Preschool teacher to large group of four-year-olds passing laundromat: I'm going to throw you in those washing machines!
Four-year-olds, shrieking: Nooooooo!
--Astoria Park
Overheard by: Natalie
You Are Welcome to Hit on Me
Thug: Hey! (gestures to Asian worker behind counter at convenience store) You look good, man.
Asian worker, in thick foreign accent: What? What you say to me?
Thug: I said, you look good.
Asian worker: What, what you saying to me?
Thug: Keep doing whatever you're doing, man. (leaves store)
Asian worker, dropping accent: Fuckin' crackahs. (sees white girl waiting at counter) Oh, shit, sorry, not you.
--Myrtle Ave & Classon Ave, Brooklyn
That's Exactly What My Plastic Surgeon Said!
Girl to friend: Oh my god, your boobs have gotten so big!
Friend: Thanks!
Girl: Yeah, it's like now no one has to even look at your face.
--6 Train
"Uh-Oh, SpaghettiOs!"-- the NYC Version
Woman: Open up my pants, and what do you find?
Man: Bing-bong, it's chlamydia!
--E Train
Overheard by: HappyCamper
Preferably Someplace with Cameras
Girl #1: I will not touch your chest on a crowded subway.
Girl #2: Some other place, then.
--4 Train
I Always Appreciate Good Classical Form
Girl #1: Did you see those two homeless men fighting by the subway?
Girl #2: I know! That was horrible!
Girl #1: Yeah. I was rooting for the guy in blue.
Girl #2: Really? I was going for the other one.
--Chelsea
You Seem to Have a Gift, My Friend
(lady with 12-15 hula hoops walks onto subway and sits across a sleepy hobo)
Hobo, surprised: Oh! Why you have all those hula hoops?
Hula hoop lady: Oh, well, I'm a professional hula hooper...seriously!
Hobo: Nah, nah, I see it.
Hula hoop lady: I teach a class with hula hoops.
Hobo: Yeah... (very matter-of-fact) I see the physicality of it. (Hobo gets up and does a gyrating hula hooping motion for five seconds)
Hula hoop lady: Yeah, people really get into it.
--L Train
Overheard by: Rock the Red Sock
Takes Time to Get Used to the Vestigial Tail, Though
Girl: Why do you like her so much?
Guy: She's just so weird-looking!
--NYU
We Should Probably Stop Hauling Them Around in Duffel Bags
Girl #1: Did that cab smell like something to you?
Girl #2: Yeah, it smelled like burgers.
Girl #1: I was going to say smelled like the refugees.
Girl #2: What the fuck?
--44th & 9th
Overheard by: penny
"...Do You Think I'm Pretty?"
Girl high school senior: He's so very uncomfortable that he makes everyone else uncomfortable with his discomfortability.
Boy high school senior: He's very in possession of his femininity.
Girl high school senior: You have no idea how much time he's spent crying to me about that. "Everyone thinks I'm gay. I don't know what I am. No, I'm not gay! Definitely not!"
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
For Shezzle?
Jappy yeshiva girl #1: So I really wanted those boots, but I couldn't find them online for less than $190, but then I found them for $110, so I just bought them and told my nana to just take $100 out of my allowance. But she was like, "no, it's okay."
Jappy yeshiva girl #2: That's so nice.
Jappy yeshiva girl #1: I know, and I was like, "but nana, you said the market was really bad right now!"
Jappy yeshiva girl #2: What does your nana do?
Jappy yeshiva girl #1: She embezzles.
--Starbucks, 29th & Park Ave
Overheard by: little barista in the big city
Same As the Hits We Just Took.
Guy #1, with thick Long Island accent: What is the plural for "coffee"?
Guy #2: Just put an "s" on it. "Coffees." Same as with "sheep." I think it is the same because of the two "e"s.
--40th St & 5th Ave
Mind Your Gap, Kimberly
Conductor: Next stop, Lexington.
Four-year-old girl, cutting him off: Shut up! Shut up!
Mother: Who are you tellin to shut up?
Four-year-old girl: That man! We *know* where we is!
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors.
Four-year-old girl: We know! This ain't the first time we rode a train, sir!
--N Train
And He Was Like, "Not Without a Drink, I Can't"
Hippie dude: So then what happened?
Hippie girl: He asked if he could buy her a drink, and she said, "nah, but you can fuck me!"
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
You Lose Half a Grade for Ruining My Joke
Male student: (question is inaudible)
Old male professor: You want to have sex with me?
Male student: No, what's number six?
Old male professor: Oh,I was about to say I'm happily married.
--John Jay College
Overheard by: LMAO
You Know How the Other Guys Gossip
Construction worker #1: Want to have sex in the bathroom?
Construction worker #2: Not right now.
--E 28th St
I Swear, Yesterday One Of Them Spat at Me
Teen girl #1, pointing to mannequin: Look! Those are the boobs we were talking about!
Teen girl #2: I know, those boobs are so obnoxious!
--89th St & Broadway
If Gossip Girl Were Written by Real New Yorkers...
Boyfriend: I wouldn't marry you. I would pay for half and give you a ride to the clinic.
Girlfriend: Baby, that's beer money. Just push me down the stairs and we'll go out.
Boyfriend: I love you.
--84th & 1st
None Of the Best Earthquakes Vacation There
Brunette #1 to friend: I have like no idea what's going on in the world right now. I should start watching the news.
Brunette #2: Well, I heard that Italy is becoming less popular. You know, like on the Richter scale.
--78th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Teresa
When Regular Dudes Try to Pretend They're Hugh Hefner, They Inevitably Just Come Off As Creepy
Construction guy #1, in thick New York accent: Hey, Harry!
Construction guy #2: Yeah?
Construction guy #1: I'm havin' a pajama party at my house tonight, you wanna come over?
--53rd & 3rd
...Albeit a Queer One.
Woman #1, watching New York City Gay Men's Chorus rehearse Single Ladies: Does anyone know what this is?
Woman #2: This is a New York moment!
--Symphony Space
Either Way, Dane Cook Isn't Very Funny
Girl #1: I think he is bipolar.
Girl #2: Umm...he's dyslexic. There's a big difference.
--Frank Sinatra School of the Arts High School
Headline by: PeterG
Runners-Up:
· "Bi-Curious Perhaps?" - muppet show
· "Either Way He'd Make a Perfect Phys Ed Instructor" - Ron D.
· "I'm Sorry...I Meant Diqolar" - Slater
· "You Say 'Tomato', I Say 'Fuck You, I'll Cut You!'" - Frank Vasquez
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Tonight's Movie: P.S.- I Thug You
Large, intimidating thug: So you think you're grown up, huh? You think you're a man?
Small boy: (nods)
Large, intimidating thug: Then why don't you get a job? Move out?
Small boy: Cause I love you!
Large, intimidating thug, more quietly: Well, I love you too.
--Downtown A Train
I Still Don't Get Why You Were Pantsless, Though
Asian chick: Really!? Seriously!? That's so rude! I've never had anything like that happen to me before!
Blonde friend: Yeah, I know! What an asshole!
Asian chick: Wait, are you sure? He just fingered you with all those people in the restaurant watching?
(friends laugh)
Asian chick: Wait...what? I don't get it. That's what people say, right? He fingered you. He put his middle finger up.
Brunette friend, still laughing: No, no! He gave her the finger. He did not finger her.
Asian chick: Oh! Wow! I'm so glad I made that mistake now. I would have told everyone that she got fingered tonight.
--8th Ave, Chelsea
Overheard by: Wondering how anyone makes that mistake...
It's Also the Stand-Up Comedy Golden Rule
Twink: Okay, new rule, new rule! "If you can't fuck me standing up, you can't fuck me".
Friend: Yeah.
Twink: Actually, that is a really good rule.
--Marie's Crisis Piano Bar, West Village
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Do Wednesday One-Liners Get Published on Saturdays?
Boss: Wait, can I ask a city girl question? Do butterflies come from caterpillars??
--Office, 8th Ave
Overheard by: kpan
Tall blond tourist looking at Egyptian artifacts: So, are these, like, all real artifacts, or like, what? Know what I mean?
--The Metropolitan Museum
Girl to station agent: Can I go the other direction from here?
--W 103rd St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Blonde bimbo: Skydiving...is that the one done on water?
--Jerome Avenue Line
Woman, looking around crowded waiting area: I wonder how many people here are waiting for a train?
--Waiting Area, Penn Station
Overheard by: Not from New Jersey
Woman in elevator, after bumping into Al Roker: Wasn't that Tom Brokaw?
--Fisk Building
We Can Spot Fake Wednesday One-Liners a Mile Away
Exasperated woman on phone: It's a phone interview! What does it matter what type of boobs I have?
--Office Building, 32nd & 7th
Overheard by: erkala
Girl, after guy accidentally hit her boob: Ow! You should be squeezing them, not hitting them!
--Toys R' Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Lotte
Upper West Side girl to friend: I hate that my boobs are so big! It completely ruins that skirt for me.
--Canal Street
Hobo: But I don't want to love my breasts!
--Ave B
Man on cell: So you're coming to New York? That's good. I called your mother, she said you're staying with some girl with big tits tonight.
--West 4th Street
Guy to another, while at lunch: I don't care if you think I live too fast and I'll be dead at 45. At least I'll die with a tittie in my mouth!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: sal b
People Who Live in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Wednesday One-Liners
Lady shouting into cell: Stop screaming in my ear! Stop screaming in my ear! Stop screaming in my ear!
--Flatbush Ave, Prospect Heights
Overheard by: Ja9
Deli cashier with heavy accent to West Indian man with heavy accent: I don't speak Jamaican! I speak English!
--Crown Heights
Overheard by: Holly
Man on crowd: Stop shoving! There are fucking kids here, watch out, asshole!
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Alexis
Man walking with small kid on cell: Ain't no one cursing at yo! Fuck, why you got to be like that?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Heather
Woman on cell: I just hate for people to hear my conversations in public.
--Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Nicole
We're Not Looking for Any Serious Wednesday One-Liners Right Now
20-something girl to two girlfriends: We've been dating for two months. Normally in my relationships, it's "he loves me, and I love me," but now I feel like he knows I like him, and that threatens me.
--Penn Station
8th grade boy to another: Aren't I the woman in this relationship?
--Bell Academy
Woman to friend: He said he wanted to dress me up, take me out, and show me off to the world. Instead we'd go out, he'd make me pay, and tell me how great everyone else looked.
--3rd Ave & 37th th
Cute guy in Yankees hat: I need a wild, destructive relationship for awhile.
--Brother Jimmy's, 81st & Amsterdam
Guy: Yeah, I just got over a long-term relationship. You know, two to three months.
--Starbucks, 67 & Columbus
Guy on cell: I don't know if I already told you this, but I don't have a job or a show. So we could go a date until the end of time.
--MacDougal & 7th St
Steve Guttenberg to way-too-young date: I like you and I would like to see you, just not every day.
--Upper West Side
Wednesday's One-Liners Sell Themselves
Teenage nerd: My boss and my dealer have the same name. One time I called my boss asking for weed, and he was like "hey!" and I was like "yo, lemme cop" and he was like "I think you have the wrong number" and I hung up.
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: joy
Yuppie 30-something in black coat and white scarf: I'm going crazy! I've got his dealer's number programmed into my phone, but I can't remember her name, so if I call, I won't know who to ask for. And you have to know who to ask for, or they'll think you're a cop!
--16th St & 7th Ave
Loud, mildly intoxicated girl at dinner: People who litter are so much worse than drug dealers.
--Brooklyn
Lady on cell: Tourism is the only industry that doesn't depend on drug cartels.
--14th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Diaz
How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center Of a Wednesday One-Liner?
Chick on cell: It's all about the eyeball lick. Tell her.
--59th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: aenigma
NYPD cop: I would rather lick the street than ever smell your fart again.
--Forsyth St & E Houston St
Overheard by: Dave-o
Teen girl to friends: He's so gross! Seriously, I'd rather lick my cat's asshole than hook up with that guy!
--Barnes & Noble, Bayside
Guy at bar to friend: I can't believe you married a woman who won't lick your asshole.
--Ale House, MacDougal St
Random woman: Why do you always insist on licking my elbow?
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jana
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Go On
Guy: But that way everyone feels a little more suicidal, and that makes it much more interesting.
--Broadway & 9th
85-year-old woman with leathery skin, in neon pink jumpsuit and sunglasses, with cigarette in one hand and cane in the other: I wish that cunt would just fucking kill herself!
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: kyle
Woman to son, as they look at street vendors' wares: Oh, and do you have the number for the suicide hotline?
--Prince & Mulberry
Upper West Side suit to friend: And I was like, "but I've worn that four times, I can't wear that again. I'd just have to kill myself!"
--Broadway & 104th St
Overheard by: Cat
Man, to the tune of "Lean on Me": Sometimes in our lives/we want to jump right out the window...
--DUMBO, Brooklyn
Overheard by: amused
Toddler: Mommy, you make me suicidal!
--Roosevelt Island Bus
Meet the Wednesday One-Liners Who Wrecked the Economy
Suit on cell: I mean, imagine our mothers in Playboy...
--Borders, Penn Station
Overheard by: I'd Rather Not
50-something suit to others: Ya, we sold ten bags of herb and made $100.
--Wall St & William St
Overheard by: Mike D
Suit on cell: Hey, mom! Ma! 7 cents! You owe me 7 cents!
--5th Ave & 22nd St
Overheard by: Katie
30-something suit to hot female: I can't reassure you about your body while we're in bed, because that would imply that there's something going on between us.
--W Broadway & Houston
Man in suit: Every day I try to do something out of my comfort zone, like hanging out with you.
--Broadway & Murray St
Wednesday One-Liners Give 'Em Somethin' to Talk About
Older woman to bored-looking male dinner companion, as they are seated at a table: Now we have to think of something to talk about.
--The Place, West Village
Overheard by: Colleen
Female grad student: I was trippy enough to talk to Shrek, but not trippy enough for him to answer.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Poogins
Hobo with huge afro chasing after two chatting women: Are you talking when the champion is speaking?! How dare you?
--2nd Ave & 9th St
Teacher to class entering auditorium: Children, stop talking! This is a building!
--College of Mount Saint Vincent
Man on cell: Ray Romano, you're talking to a millionaire!
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Katie
Girl on phone: It's just like, he seriously has a really squishy face that you can stick your finger in, and it goes like a million miles in, and you're just like "what the fuck!" But yeah, nothing happened, we just talked.
--Palladium Residence Hall, NYU
Not Another Teen Wednesday One-Liner
High school girl: She banged some dude with no condom during her period, then she blew another guy after the basketball game.
--Panera, Queens
Overheard by: NBG1
Teen: My health teacher always yells at me for being late. Shouldn't she be, like, sustaining my self-esteem?
--Green Apple Cafe
Overheard by: Julie
Hippie teenager leaving bathroom: When I see you all later, I will not have any idea who the hell you are!
--Nokia Theater, Times Square
Overheard by: dan
Teenage girl to cute guy, after spitting on door window: I have a bad habit of spittin'.
--E Train
Overheard by: MrsBall
Teenager to crying little brother: Shut up! Stop it or I'll take away your ShamWow!
--Times Square
Overheard by: JYC
Teenage boy on cell: I won't cock-block! (pause) I won't cock-block!
--E 77th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Steve G
Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder!
Girl to friend: Yeah, so before I came in here I wasn't a vegetarian, but now my expectations have changed.
--New Williamsburg Cafe
Overheard by: Nick Ace
Jenny*: When I say that I'm a vegan, the other Jenny, the little Texan Jenny inside of me goes, "you are so disgusting!"
--Tisch School of the Arts
Overheard by: Southern Carnivore
White flyer lady, singing: Peeeeople! Veeeegans have bet-ter-sex, bet-ter-health, and live decades longer to enjoy it all!
--LaSalle & Broadway
Wannabe vegan on cell: Is applesauce vegan?
--Denny's
Guy: You know how vegetarians say they won't eat anything with a face? So what about that woman that got attacked by the chimp? Would they eat her? (stunned silence) Too soon?
--Steinway & Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: Go Rangers!
"Et Tu, Wednesday One-Liner?"
Very young thug to slightly older thug: My nigga, I'm the fuckin' ghetto McGyver! I can make a...a cigarette filter into a knife!
--Uptown B Train
Overheard by: It's a little too squishy to be very threatening...
Ghetto man: A woman tried to stab me once while we was having sex!
--Broadway & 32nd St
Girl on cell: She got stabbed 15 times. They said it was self defense.
--94th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Dan Rosen
Black guy on cell: Dude, she was trying to stab me with a corkscrew! I couldn't listen to you at a time like that! I was in crisis mode! (pause) Yes! A fucking corkscrew! A corkscrew, nigga! A motherfucking corkscrew!
--Fulton Street Mall
Hobo, wearing plastic crown wrapped in toilet paper: And after I got out of jail for trying to stab that motherfucker with a screwdriver, I said "fuck it, I'm the motherfucking Statue of Liberty! What you looking at, whitey?"
--4/5 Train
Overheard by: Whitey
Hip young NYU student on cell: I was with Ricky again last night. (pause) Yeah, I had to pull the knife out on him again. (pause) No, but it was funny, though.
--NYU
Overheard by: brooklyn1234
Hey, Can I Help That I'm a Planner?
12-year-old boy: Hey guys! We are gonna take a day this summer and just do stuff! Like have sex and stuff!
9-year-old boy: That's all you ever talk about!
--Windsor Terrace, Brooklyn
Overheard by: ahahahahahahahaha
Don't You Get Points for That?
Customer: Do you have any more frisbees?
Cashier: NYU isn't really a frisbee school.
Customer: Why not?
Cashier: You could hurt a tourist.
--Bookstore, NYU
Not Texas
Female student, pointing to ad of big M&M: I like this picture the best.
Professor: So you like big red things?
--John Jay College
That, and Figure Skate.
Freshman girl #1: What'd you do Saturday?
Freshman girl #2: My friend came over and I taught her the difference between a rifle bullet and a shotgun shell...cuz that's what I was meant to do.
--St. Francis Preparatory School, Queens
Perhaps We Could Discuss Free Coffee...Wesley
Coffee vendor: That iced coffee will be eight dollars, and the straw will cost you fifty cents extra, ha ha.
Cashier: Man, Joe, that coffee's expensive!
Coffee vendor: Why'd you gotta say my name, man? What if my baby mama came up in here looking for child support and youse be sayin' my name?!
--Westside Market
Unless He's Laughing at My Style
Crazy woman to mother of laughing baby: He likes me! At least you know he ain't gonna be gay!
--14th St & Ave B
The Best Part Is, They're Talking About Children's Programming
Guy #1: May I presuppose what I think you're trying to articulate, which is, that the core universality of your character's arc needs to be explicitly emphasized in the color palate?
Guy #2: I think that's fair, but I'm not sure you can go there with an audience.
Guy #1: But isn't the whole narrative journey bringing them there?
Guy #2: Yes and no. Essentially we can't bring them there, because we can't get there ourselves.
Guy #1: Hmmm, I'm not sure if I agree with that.
Guy #2: We can't get there. Our protagonist can't get there, he can't bring us there with him.
Guy #1: Where?
Guy #2: The river.
Guy #1: Why is he going to the river?
Guy #2: Because that's--that's--that's the thing. That's the thing he has to do. It's like, he is that river, and that's why we go to a wide-shot there.
Guy #1: I do see the wide-shot there, but I think we need more exposition for the catharsis to work.
--Think Coffee, 3rd & Mercer
Overheard by: todd
You Can't Walk Like an Egyptian Without Lots Of Lubrication
Woman to man: He's got this charm about him--he's slimy, like he's Egyptian or something.
(man, uneasy, looks around to check there are no Egyptians in there)
Woman, quickly: I don't mean "slimy" in a bad way.
Man: Sure.
--A Train
And You Said My Electronic Organizer Could Do Everything!
30-something suit #1: Wait! So you didn't have time to fuck her?
30-something suit #2: No! I made time to fuck her, but it sucked.
--6th Ave & Waverly Place
My Therapist Says That's Why I Don't Get Any
40-something man: Hey! I know you! You're Victor's daughter, right?
Teenage girl: Yeah.
40-something man: Wow, look how tall you've gotten. You probably don't remember me, but I'm a friend of your dad's from way back.
Teenage girl: Oh, awesome. (smiles)
40-something man: So...how are you? Still in school?
Teenage girl: No, no, graduated and taking a year off and then studying to be a lawyer.
40-something man, shaking head: Well, be prepared for a life of celibacy.
--34th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Sessi Li
Then She Pepper-Sprayed Me and Ran Off with the Book
Latina girl #1: Oh my god, I was, like, so excited for Christmas, 'cause I thought my cousin was gonna get me that ill jacket I saw at the mall but he got me... (pauses for effect)
Latina girl #2: Oh my god, whaaaat?
Latina girl #1: The Twilight series!
Latina girl #2: Oh my fucking god, are you serious?
Latina girl #1: Yeah! And I was like, "papi, I need a new bookshelf for my Twilight books, you know?
Latina girl #2: Yeahhhhh.
Latina girl #1: Yeah, so then he was like, "aight, I'm gonna get you that bookshelf." It was sooo exciting.
Latina girl #2: Didn't you already have the first book?
Latina girl #1: Yeah, I did. But I lent it to Jean Carla, and she gave it back to me last week. Oh man, I'm so protective of it, and it got bent. I was on the train, trying to bend it back, and I was like so upset, and this lady came up to me and was like, "sweetie, you alright?" and I said, "no. I won't ever be alright."
--N Train
Overheard by: No Longer A Twilight Fan
Unless, Like Me, You Shit Yourself on the Way Home
Neighborhood drunk: (unintelligible)
Guy: I do! I get all my toilet paper at the 99 cent store.
Neighborhood drunk: Then you're one step ahead of the game.
--5th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: wza
...in Between Rounds Of Square Dancing.
Little boy to older sister: Look at that ugly bird.
Older sister, bored: Yeah, wow.
Little boy: I wanna crash it...stupid bird.
Older sister: Don't do that baby, it's not nice.
Little boy: Why not? I just wanna crash it.
Older sister: Because serial killers kill animals when they're little.
Little boy: What's a serial killer?
Older sister: It's something white people do for fun.
--7th Ave & 9th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: I have yet to kill anyone
Is This a Racial Incident? Discuss.
Hobo with cane: Is that a Pit Bull?
Man with dog: No, it's a Basset Hound.
Hobo with cane: That's impossible, Basset Hounds do not exist. It's a Pit Bull!
--Broadway & 10th St
As Do I, Dear Lady. As Do I.
Cute, somewhat cracked-out blonde: What kind of shot is this?
Bartender: It's my special shot.
Cute blonde: Um...does it go with Lorazepam and Adderall?
Bartender, trying not to laugh: Well yes, yes it does.
--Karavas Place, W 4th St
And We'll Be There Shortly, Woman!
Male conductor: Due to the lateness of this train, the next stop will be Bay Parkway.
(pause)
Female conductor: The next stop will be 62nd Street.
Male conductor: This train will now run express. The next stop is Bay Parkway.
Female conductor: Con-duct-tor! The next...
Male conductor: Okay, okay. The next stop is 62nd Street.
--D Train
Overheard by: I hate the D train
It's Like They're Being Shot Out Of a Giant Canadian Cannon Aimed Toward Me
Guy, standing with two women: So of course, now every woman that comes my way is from... (nods, waits for women to finish his sentence)
Women: Newfoundland!
Guy: Right!
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: not a newf
And If She's Pregnant, Her Problems Are Deep-Seeded
Woman: I think she has deep seeded problems.
Man: Did you say "seeded," like s-e-e-d-e-d?
Woman: Yeah, why?
Man: It's "seated." Deep "seated" problems. Not "seeded."
Woman: That's stupid. Why would a problem be "seated"? Seeds are deep, not seats.
Man: Seated, like, positioned.
Woman: Go pick your nose.
Man: Fine. Just remember when you told me there's no part of the body called a "bone of contention."
Woman: I am so kicking your ass later.
--Civil Court, Livingston Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
I Had the Front Door Locked and Everything
20-something girl in floral dress #1: I know! I was just like, "stick it in my ass already!"
20-something girl in floral dress #2: I know, right?
--Great Lawn, Central Park
Overheard by: The Boss
It's Like the Dominatrix Of Cities
Elderly woman to elderly man, as a young girl narrowly escapes getting hit by a car: Oh my god, what is it with these crazy people!? I hate this city more and more each day.
Elderly man: Well then, why do you live here?
Elderly woman: Because I love it.
--83rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Dee Dee
Even His Mistress Doesn't Put Out!
Female suit: Every time he answers his phone it's with his business greeting. Like, it's your wife, dude, just say hi! God, I hate him.
Gay suit: Yeah, it's like she's the only person who thinks you're important, anyway!
--5th Ave & 55th St
Overheard by: CollegiateCutie
I Don't Care If She Has a Name. Now Make Me a Square Burger, Bitch
Dopey guy: She looks like that chick on the Wendy's commercials.
Less dopey guy: Um...you mean...Wendy?
--Drop Off Service, 13th & Ave A
Headline by: aileen
Runners-Up:
· "...AKA Pippi Longstocking's Doppelgänger" - Deanna
· "No, Carrot Top" - johnnyb
· "She Has a NAME?!?!" - sizzle
· "Until Pippi Longstocking Wins Her Lawsuit, Yes" - Cat
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Oddly Enough, It Was an Obama Hat.
German lady, to no one in particular: You know, I vunder. I tink dat de only persons in USA who vatch Two and One-Half Men are from, like, Alabama. Or Nebraska. Someplace not in a city.
Student-type guy: Oh yeah?
German lady: Oh yes, for sure. I vould be shocked if anyvone on this train watches that show. Charlie Sheen is shit.
Student-type guy: Whatever. Just don't watch it.
German lady: No, I do not vatch this. I don't have cable. I hate Charlie Sheen.
Student-type guy: No cable? How do you know anything about the show then? How do you know anything about anything?
German lady: Oh, I know lots of things.
Student-type guy: Who is the President of the United States?
German lady: (silent)
Student-type guy: Are you fucking kidding me? You don't know who the President of the United States is and you're talking about fucking Charlie Sheen? Get the fuck off this train! ...and your hat is stupid!
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Dice To That
Ever Since I Accidentally Tripped Over Them
Tall girl: I think I saw his brother in the chorus of a show I saw for my job.
Short girl: Word.
Tall girl: Yeah.
Short girl: Yeah. There's four of them. And they're all beautiful. It's so not fair. I'm weird-looking and, according to my grandma, my brother looks like the love child of Jake Gyllenhaal and Sanjay Gupta.
Tall girl: And your parents are short Jews.
Short girl: I can't believe you remember that.
--Downtown 1 Train
Human Rights Come First, Pal
PETA representative: Excuse me, ma'am, do you have a minute for animal rights?
NYU JAP: I'm wearing leather boots. Do I look like I give a shit about animal rights?
Panhandler: (applauds)
NYU JAP: (gives panhandler a quarter)
--8th & University
Overheard by: byron
Plus I Had to Be Bedridden and Quarantined Every Time I Got My Period
Old woman with husband, reminiscing: When I was younger I had an art degree from Cooper Union, had a fantastic graphic design job. I had a great career going for myself. And then guess what happened.
20-something girl: You got married?
Old woman, shocked: No! How old do you think I am? That we're from the 1800s? (pause) Computers. That's what happened.
--Times Square
Overheard by: RCS
She's a Proctologist, Betsy.
Mother: What do you mean by "she's obsessed with him"?
Five-year-old daughter: Cause she's all like...up his butt!
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Green Star
Guess Which One's the Tortoise.
Guy in full biking gear, streamlined helmet, on fancy racing bike: Up to 20 miles an hour, man!
Guy delivering Thai food on bike held together with duct tape, keeping pace with him: Race you to the corner!
--17th St b/w 7th & 8th
Then He Took Out a SuperSoaker and Sprayed the Press Corps
Black person #1: Did you see Obama's speech last night?
Black person #2: No, what did he say?
Black person #1: Someone asked if he knows how much debt he is putting us in, and he says "Listen, I'm not the motherfucker that got us here."
(they high five)
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Eyeore Is Misunderstood in Exactly the Same Way
Falafel vendor: What're you, in a bad mood?
Customer: No, I'm in a good mood. I'm always in a good mood. I'm just ugly.
--168th & Ft. Washington
Tyger Tyger?
Ditzy blonde #1: How was your night?
Ditzy blonde #2: It was good. I just saw a guy's face catch on fire!
Ditzy blonde #1: Ohhhh!
Ditzy blonde #2: It was crazy cuz I had just, like, used that same lighter and then it like, burnt his eyebrows off.
Ditzy blonde #1: Ohhhh!
Ditzy blonde #2: That's the third person I saw get burned in the face this week!
Ditzy blonde #1: Ohhhh, no!.
(silence as they eat pizza for a minute)
Ditzy blonde #2: Speaking of which, do you know who else was burned in the face?
--6th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Ashley
Jon Lovitz, Is That You Again?
Girl #1: Oh my gosh. I have to pee so bad. Do you think this restaurant will let me use their bathroom?
Girl #2: I don't know, why don't you ask?
Hobo, sunbathing in front of restaurant: Why, of course you may use the bathroom, young lady. But you will have to pay $5.
Girl #1: How do you know?
Hobo: Because this is my restaurant and I own this building.
Girl #2: I find that hard to believe.
Hobo: Look, you can believe me or not, but if you don't pay me the $5 fee, I'm going to expose my golden privates to you. Either way, I come out on top, you see?
Girl #2: Unbelievable! (walks away)
Hobo: Why, thank you.
--Times Square
A Woman Whose Rides Are All Open, Honey
Mom: We can go to Coney Island this summer. It's not closed, just some of the rides.
Kid: Mom, what's a trophy wife?
--1 Train
Or Cut Out the Middle-Man and Just Use the Same Bath Products
Construction worker #1, watching hot girl: She cuuuute!
Construction worker #2: Yeah, I would just wanna smell her.
--Bowery & 3rd
Overheard by: Kyle
So There's No Reason to Continue Holding in This Fart
Old Asian lady to black man, in thick accent: You stay back! (clutches her purse)
(white girl watching shakes head, laughs in disbelief)
Black man: Oh, like you know what's up, white girl.
White girl: Oh, I'm Jewish. She probably hates me, too. (pause, then sadly) Now the whole train probably hates me.
--1 Train
All-Male Focus Groups Are Fairly Straightforward
Small child in Bebe's to mannequin wearing zippered skirt: Woo woo!
Grandpa: Zippa zippa!
--34th St & 6th Ave
Mechanical Bull-Riding Can Be a Life-Changing Experience
Young lisping female suit: It wath juth onthe, and it wath totally mechanical!
Young non-lisping female suit: Well, at least it was something!
--Wall St Platform
Overheard by: Heather
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