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She Should Marry a Nice Doctor.
Old Jewish woman #1: Amy Winehouse...she sounds like a nice Jewish girl.
Old Jewish woman #2: I don't think she's going to live very long.
--Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Annex
Overheard by: Rachel
Grease!
Lady: What Broadway show is this?
Little girl: This ain't no Broadway show, it's McDonald's.
Lady, laughing: Oh. Well, it looks just like that Broadway show next door.
--McDonald's, Times Square
Overheard by: Shana
Now Hug That Hobo and Smile!
Girl with camera to group of friends: No, get in front of the train tracks so I can take a picture!
Friend: We look like such tourists.
Girl with camera: No, I swear, if I lived here, I'd take pictures all the time.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: Benny
The Two Kinds Of New Yorkers: Encapsulated.
Thin 20-something: Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Heavier friend: Unless you melt some mozzarella on it!
--BBQ, The Bronx
Americans Think TV's the Answer to Everything
Pretty young woman #1: It was an accident...
Pretty young woman #2, yelling: You threw a fucking television at me, while I was crying over my dead chinchilla! I was grieving! How could you?
--Ghandi Resteraunt, 1st Ave
Overheard by: Danielle Lenore
The Prelude to the Greatest Romance Of Our Time
Gay man: You know, I have finally come to accept my sexuality.
Woman: Oh, that's good!
Gay man: I'm not even afraid to tell the world: Hey everyone! I like men!
Overhearing hobo, with a hopeful smile: Hey! Me too!
--Times Square
Overheard by: hobos are around at the strangest times
What's a White Kid Go for These Days, Anyway?
Dorky little white kid: What happens if I fall in the tracks?
Dorky white dad: I guess I'd have to buy a new kid.
Dorky little white kid: That's beastin'!
--Q Train
Overheard by: that *is* beastin'
Every Hunter Longs to Become the Hunted
Teenage girl: So I'm getting better at hooking up with guys and not getting attached! I hooked up with Jake last week, and I don't feel anything at all!
Friend: Yeah, but that's not hard. He's, like, impossible to get attached to. We need to find you a challenge. Who's really cute and cuddly?
Random old man walking in front of them: Pick me, pick me!
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: cute and cuddly
And the Vicious Anti-Nineties Backlash
Female grad student: We can't go that way. People were stabbed over there.
Male grad student: Oh, that's only because of the Seinfeld diner.
--116th St & Broadway
Eventually Monologues Become Dialogues
Girl #1: I love masturbating.
Girl #2: Yeah, I totally love touching my vagina!
--Sultana Hookah Bar
Overheard by: rich
Remind Him to Pick Up My Dry Cleaning While You're at It.
Middle-aged rich woman: Do you want to have time to have dinner tonight, honey?
Middle-aged rich man: How the hell should I know? Call my assistant!
Middle-aged rich woman: The next time I call your assistant will be the day after I've just fucked him.
--72nd St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: felix
Poisonous Food Exports, Notwithstanding
Young black guy with flyers: Flyer?
Young Asian girl: No, thanks. (walks away)
Young black guy with flyers, yelling: Aw, c'mon! I like China people!
--Times Square
Overheard by: ellie
Wanting to Eat Your Veggies Makes Us All Look Bad
Hyper kid to mom, loudly: Where is my veggie soup!? (repeats it several times)
Grumpy old dude: Shut the fuck up, kid!
(general laughter)
--Deli, 57th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: gunnarsix
Careful-- She's a Nunja
Drunk girl: Hey, you know that girl over there?
Sober friend: Yeah.
Drunk girl: She's... She's a virgin... In all ways.
--F Train
I'm Beginning to Worry You Won't Fit in with My Friends
Girl: Why do you fuck a sheep at the edge of a cliff? (waits) So the sheep pushes back.
Guy: I don't get it.
Girl: Do I have to explain sheep-fucking to you?!
--Prince & Mercer
Overheard by: Thiess
I Like to Braid It Using Only My Tongue
Woman with strong Southern accent: I am gonna have her bachelorette party in my apartment next weekend.
Husband: (nods)
Woman: But the goddamn stripper won't return my phone calls.
(waitress brings shots)
Woman: What is this?
Waitress: Tequila, on us.
Woman: This'll put hair on my boobies.
Husband's friends: That's just how he likes it.
Husband: (nods)
--Brother Jimmy's BBQ, Upper West Side
Only If You'll Indulge My Peter O'Toole Impression
Professor: When would be a good day for our review session?
Student: How about Friday?
Professor: Nope, sorry. Friday I'm gonna get my drink on!
Student: Can we have it in the bar?
--NYU
Was That Before or After the Ghostbusters Took Over the Statue Of Liberty?
Girl: Ohhhh, this is the building that King Kong climbed up, right?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: Wow. That would have been so scary to live here when that happened!
--In Line for Elevator at Empire State Building
Overheard by: Bella
Whatever He Says, He's Thinking "Oh, Fuck You"
Man walking north: Hi!
Woman in leather pants walking south: Oh! It's you. My ass has been pinched six times today, so I'm not really into people right now, but how are you?
--81st & 3rd
For Some Reason, I Keep Ordering Things That Aren't On It
Friend #1: So how is your husband?
Friend #2: For some reason I keep on sleeping with his best friend.
Friend #1: What!
Friend #2: Yeah girl...I'm leaving him. So what do you want to order from the menu?
--Restaurant Queens
It's Like She Can Hear Everything I Say to You
Woman on train to loud Puerto Rican woman on cell: Excuse me, can you please lower your voice?
Puerto Rican woman, into cell: This bitch just asked me to lower my voice!
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Emily
Eat This-- It'll Be Hanukah in Your Mouth!
Little boy: When will it be Hanukkah?
Dad: Not for a while.
Little boy: But I'm begging you for Hanukkah.
Dad: You got some time until it's Hanukkah, buddy.
Little boy: Now you'll never get me a present!
Dad: (begins to leave with the little boy)
Little boy: I am not moving until it's Hanukkah!
--Bagel Shop, The Village
Overheard by: wilpon
Next Thing I Know You'll Be Putting My Baby in the Corner!
Black woman with baby, after being pushed by white woman entering crowded subway: Do you not see the baby?
White woman: Yes, I saw the baby!
Black woman: No, you didn't, because you were pushing your titties on the baby!
(white woman ignores her)
Black woman to man next to her: You! Get yo ass out of my baby's face!
--F Train
Overheard by: What's a sombrero?
Though Then We Could Definitely Fulfill Our Dream Of Getting on Cirque Du Soleil
Mother to grown daughter, as they huddle together: It's freezing!
(after a few minutes)
Mother: You're not warm yet?
Daughter: I'd be a lot warmer if I crawled up your crotch. (laughs)
Mother: You can't crawl up mommy's crotch anymore, now can you? You're too big!
--LIRR
Like When My Girlfriend Said She's Slept with 3 Dozen People
Professor, holding up student's essay: This person made over three dozen grammatical errors on their essay.
Student, to another next to him: Oh my god...that means twelve!
--John Jay College
Overheard by: Erica
Weirdest. Bris. Ever.
Dark-haired coed: So, oh my gosh! Wait! How big was it?
Blonde coed: Uhhh, yeah, oh...he was actually pretty small. Like, I only felt it, but...
Dark-haired coed: Oh my gosh! So, like, how small was it? Like a tootsie roll, or a cat's tail, or...
Blonde coed: Umm...I guess it could've been...maybe a tiny bit thicker than a cat tail. But, really, it was so so small and thin.
--FIT
Now Try That While Drinking a Glass Of Water
Conductor: If you want to go to Far Rockaway, you need to get off the train. (now in female voice) But why, conductor? (in normal voice) Cause it's the last stop you can do that. (pause) This is the train to L-L-L-L-L-L-Lefferts Blvd. Get off for Ffffffaaaaaarrrr Rockaway.
--A Train
Overheard by: Lonley Laugher
Never Met a Buppie Before?
Girl ordering patties: I'd like a beef and a veggie patty.
Guy working at patty shop: Before I get those, I want to say you are beautiful. I bet you've heard that five times today.
Girl: Oh, thanks, I've just been working out for an hour. Well, I've been doing yoga.
Guy: Yoga? But you're black!
Girl: Black people do yoga, too!
--Jamaican Pride, Flatbush
Overheard by: Chris R.
I'd Ask Why You're Here, but My Eyes Are Getting Heavy
Guy trying to pick up girl: So where are you from?
Girl: Iowa.
Guy: Oh, man! My family and I almost moved there...but it sucked, so we moved to Florida instead.
Girl: Oh.
--Park Ave & 33rd St
Not While You Keep Tapping This
Suit guy: STD free for one month!
Suit girl: You know you're never really STD free, right?
--Downtown Brooklyn
Overheard by: Nate
It's My Own Fault for Serving Pulled Pork
White dude to black friend: Do you want to see my meat?
Asian dude, to no one in particular: You know, the stereotype isn't true. It isn't true!
Flustered party hostess: This is so not what I need to hear right now.
--W 11th St
...Even When She Chose Brandon Over Dylan?
Guy in suit #1: Damn, you know who is hot? Megan Fox. It's her attitude too. I mean, you know there is no way you could ever keep up with her.
Guy in suit #2: Bet that dude she's fucking from 90210 can't keep up.
Guy in suit #3: I was always a fan of Brenda.
Guy in suit #2: Really, I was more of Kelly.
Guy in suit #1: What the fuck?!
--86th St b/w 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: 90s Nostalgia
Have You Been Talking to Grandma?
Small boy to grandfather schlepping packages: That's not the problem...you are!
Grandfather: I'm the problem?
Small boy, wailing: Yes!
--W 66th St
Overheard by: Suze V
So We Played Naked Charades and I Guessed It Right Away
Girl to friend: So, I found out that Jon has herpes and he never told me.
(friend looks at her in shock)
Girl: Not that kind of herpes, the other kind. But I talked to him about it. It's pretty funny, actually. But he didn't tell me. Well...we don't really talk about stuff like that.
--110th St & Broadway
Headline by: ikki nikki
Runners-Up:
· "...Until I Googled Valtrex, That Is" - keeps on giving
· "Genital Sores Tend to Speak for Themselves" - DCGeek
· "So Long As He Keeps It in His Ass, It Doesn't Affect Our Relationship" - BenGay
· "The Line for Guest Appearences on Maury Starts Here..." - John
· "We Don't Want Things to Get Too Simplex" - erak
· "Which Is Why He Doesn't Know About My Three Abortions" - Jesse
· "You Mean the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Kind Of Herpes?" - leoladie23
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Goldfish Go Through This on a Regular Basis
Girl #1, looking at notebook her friend gave her: Hey, that's a cool notebook!
Girl #2: It's yours, silly!
Girl #1: Oh, yeah!
--City College of New York
Overheard by: Just chilling around..
Actually, I Hear White Castle Is a Lot Better on the Way Out
Ghetto lady, about young, drunk yuppie throwing his guts up: Daaaamn, that shit's spicy.
Ghetto man to yuppie's girlfriend: You gonna tongue-kiss that nigga now?
--D Train
Overheard by: i bet it was thai
NewsFlash: New Yorker Has Car. Film at 11.
Bro #1: Hey man, you alright?
Bro #2: (vomits in corner)
Bro #1: You good to drive?
Bro #2, slurring: Yeah...
Bro #1: You got some shit on your chin! (makes wiping motion)
--East Village
Overheard by: arf
Wednesday One-Liners Run the Other Underground Railroad
Conductor: This is the 3:07 off peak train to Huntington. Stopping at Woodside, Jamaica, New Hyde Park...blah, blah, blah, you get the idea. Watch the gap. (clicks microphone off)
--LIRR
Conductor: There's a 2 express train right across the platform. Ready, set, go!
--1 Train
Conductor: There's a Brighton Beach-bound b train across the platform. Say that three times fast.
--F Train
Overheard by: Thom Cohen
Conductor: Ladies and gentleman, I have a very important announcement: this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. I repeat, this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. There will be another train after this one, and another one after that.
--Downtown 2 Train
Train conductor: This message is for the young man who stepped to the edge of the platform at the front of the train. This train feels no pain, this train has no brain. How about you?
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: Guitarbuyer
Bus driver: This is East 18th Street. If you get off here, you'll be at the q train faster. If you choose to not use your god-given walking ability, the q train is next.
--B11 Bus
Overheard by: not using her god given walking ability
Conductor: This is 96th Street. Next stop, 103rd. Everyone ready? And away we go!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Ali
Wednesday One-Lineups
Girl: I feel like she's really good at illegal stuff.
--34th & 9th
Overheard by: hellothere
Haggard-looking woman, screaming into cell: What? Now you're gettin' locked up and I am going to fucking prison now! Perfect! (sprints out of store)
--King Kullen, Staten Island
Preteen to another: So when you get arrested and your mom asks you where you were, you weren't with me.
--1st Ave & 16th
Overheard by: Wes Mantooth
Female teen to another: Yeah, that's what my dad got arrested for, too.
--Central Park
Teen boy on cell: I get a lot of shit from authority figures. Especially when I'm getting arrested.
--Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Overheard by: The Man(dy)
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't That Kind Of Streetwalker
Police officer to taxi driver: If you just hit one, the rest will scatter.
--Herald Square
Guy to girl, pushing her into the street: Anna versus car, who will win?
--E Houston & Ave D
Overheard by: haha
Tourist to New Yorker: You're not supposed to jaywalk!
--Herald Square
Chick to another: We didn't get hit by a car... Oh well, maybe next time.
--7th & 23rd
Overheard by: Stormy
Guy with stroller to passing car: You hit my baby, I'll take your car!
--Fordham & Hoffman
Overheard by: sromeo
Crossing guard, watching pedestrian cross in a hurry: My money's on the bus!
--Lower Manhattan
Overheard by: Steve
Wednesday One-Liners: Unclean! Unclean!
20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
--23rd St & 5th Ave
Customer, after placing order: ...with hardboiled eggs.
Gay waiter: Hardboiled eggs smell like dirty assholes, an I've seen a few dirty assholes.
--Denny's
Overheard by: student-19
Preppy guy on cell: No, dude! I don't know, like...like really dirty girls.
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Anne
12-year-old boy to mother: The bum, you know! The dirty man that plays with me.
--Forest Parkway
Overheard by: Jason A
Guy dancing on new lawn: This isn't even good grass! It's dirty, yo!
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Admit Their Lives Have Become Unmanageable
Suit on cell: Never make any decisions after drinking two pitchers of beer. After the first one, I was like "okay, this is what I'm doing." But after the second one, I ended up as director of the D.C. United Way. At first, I wasn't too worried, because I figured they'd give me a drug test, and I knew I wouldn't pass.
--6 Train
Hopeful-looking guy to concerned-looking guy: Basically, you're not ready to be an alcoholic, so you should stay away from alcohol.
--Polk St
Girl to guy friend: She's a great drunk. She's probably one of the best people to hang out with when she's drunk.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: T
Hawker: It's happy hour! Come on up, and I'll watch your kids while you get drunk.
--Planet Hollywood
Girl, during lunch: I'm not drunk anymore!
--W 4th & University Place
Hugs, Not Wednesday One-Liners
20-something to friend: If I didn't do so many drugs, I could probably afford to go skiing and shit like that.
--Williamsburg
Art school student: If I can stop doing heroin, I can do anything!
--Outside School of Visual Arts
Tourist guy to tourist friends: Yeah, I remember when he went to school on shrooms, and then he went to the principal and told him that he was on shrooms.
--40th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Bones Jones
Father to daughter: Don't say "no" to drugs. Say "no, thank you."
--45th St & 5th Ave
Blonde Catholic schoolgirl: Maybe after we pop the E we'll roll over to 149th Street.
--Q88 Bus
Wednesday One-Liners Go Both Ways
Girl, to herself: What if my water breaks in an elevator? (laughs) Akwaaaaard!
--High School
Conductor, after announcement tone: By the way, this is not an elevator. Waving your bag in the door does absolutely nothing.
--6 Train
Overheard by: you tell 'em
Middle-aged woman, pushing "up" elevator button to another pushing "down" button: You know, I could never figure it out with elevators, do you press the button to tell the elevator to come to you, or do you press it to tell it where you want to go?
--Building, Midtown
Overheard by: Delish
Older usher at Empire State Building: Please step out of the elevator. And as Beyonce says, to the left. To the left!
--Empire State Building
Lady on cell, waiting in line: Oh really? Well, I had heard someone took a crap in a Manhattan elevator!
--Supermarket, The Bronx
What Did the Environment Ever Do for Wednesday One-Liners?
Recycling activist: I myself used to be a plastic bottle!
--Outside BLT Burger, 6th Ave
Overheard by: sromeo
Student: Why the fuck are people still building greenhouses if we have the greenhouse effect?
--Columbia University
20-something to friend: I don't understand the sudden concern about global warming...I mean, it's what happened at the end of the Ice Age!
--LaGuardia Community College, Long Island
Overheard by: lulah
Greenpeace worker: Hey! Do you fucking care about the environment?
--Washington Square Park
Greenpeace guy, with puppy dog face: Are you sad about the trees?
--78th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: citysnidget
Wednesday One-Liners (No Homo)
Professor: Let's take a poll: who thinks I am gay?
--Lehman College
Flamboyant gay guy to butch gay guy: You, like, sneeze glitter. That's how gay you are!
--9th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: TR
Daughter to sobbing mother: Mom! Seriously, stop! I'm going to slap you. (mom continues sobbing) I'm not gay! Relax, okay?
--New Utrecht High School
Overheard by: Straight girl
Tween girl to friend: He's 17 years old and he doesn't have any kids? What? Is he gay?
--A Train
Teenage boy: Even if it's with a girl, it's still gay.
--L Train
Overheard by: Sean
Every Night, I Pray for More Wednesday One-Liners
Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.
--6 Train
30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!
--W 83rd & Columbus Ave
Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!
--Union Square Subway Stop
Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!
--9th St & University Place
20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!
--Union Square
Overheard by: talker's remorse
30-something: I mean...he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.
--39th St
Poserday One-Liners
Random hipster: If David Bowie had wheels, how much would you pay to ride on him?
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: haxromana
Scrawny hipster dude to another: All I'm saying is: I want to be in a position where I'm not liking it, and I know he's not liking it either.
--Troutman & Evergreen
Overheard by: Kristen
Hipster: I was much more desperate in Chicago.
--6 Train
Hipster kid: I'm just afraid that my sweatshirt isn't edgy enough.
--SoundFix Records, Brooklyn
Overheard by: chelce
Teenager: He's having a hard time dealing with being a hipster.
--Columbus Circle
Wednesday One-Liners Have the Reich Stuff
Fat guy in telephone booth: Yeah, well, Hitler invented the Volkswagen bus.
--7th Ave & Waverly
Overheard by: Mark Martin
Woman in alpine hat to another: I was not about to drag your half-conscious ass around a concentration camp!
--Zum Schneider German Restaurant/Bar
Overheard by: Nella
Guy: Jury duty is like the Holocaust. They put you in line and march you into a strange room.
--Off The Wagon Restaurant
Overheard by: thankfully not jewish
Teen boy: Yeah, after I watched that movie I couldn't talk to German people at all. For like a month afterwards, every time I saw a person who looked German I was like, "you evil, evil Nazi!"
--Bull Statue, Bowling Green
Little boy to friends: And next year, we're going to assassinate Hitler!
--66th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Liz
My Ass Exceeds the Specifications for Tights, As Set Forth by the School Handbook
Girl #1: It's really warm, and I really want to take these pants off.
Girl #2: That shirt's long enough to cover your butt, and you're wearing tights under it, right?
Girl #1: Yeah, but still. I'm not white.
--Stuyvesant High School
...And Guess What Else Is This Big?
Skinny twink #1: I know that guy.
Skinny twink #2: You know her, that guy from the chorus, the concert-soloist, that guy who blew you at Splash, and now him! That makes the fifth person you've seen that you know, in less than an hour.
Skinny twink #1: Well, New York is this big! (holds up little finger)
Skinny twink #2: And you're a whore.
--Gay Restaurant, Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: Eugene
...We'll Call Person B "Jamal"
Teacher, pointing to three figures on board: Now, greeny is on his computer sending an e-mail to reddy, who is on the phone with blacky.
Student: Blacky?
Teacher: Oh, dear. Person A is on the phone with person B...
--Millennium High School, Lower Manhattan
Overheard by: Adriana
T.G.I. Friday's: Explained
Girl #1: I just want to get laid!
Girl #2: Well, based on his texts, that's obviously not going to happen.
Girl #1, sighing: You're right...let's just get greasy drunk food.
--14th St & 2nd Ave
You Wouldn't Even Take One for the Team?
Guy#1: Dude, I asked you to do one thing: help me out and distract her friend.
Guy#2: Maybe you didn't notice, but her friend was a guy.
Guy#1: Yeah, and...
Guy#2: I am not gay!
Guy#1: Really?
--Mott St
Don't You Just Love the Pterodactyl Petting Zoo?
Teen #1, disappointed: Yo, she took me to the museum yesterday.
Teen #2: Whoa! This guy goes to museums! Which one?
Teen #1: Not the art one, the other one.
Teen #2: (puzzled silence)
Teen #1: There was like mad prehistoric animals and a big-ass whale and shit.
Teen #2: Oh...the zoo!
--6 Train
What the Fuck?
Girl: So I saw JT last night.
Friend: The guy with the ear-wax fetish?!
--Times Square
Overheard by: lilah
I'm Talking No-Beer-Goggles Cute
Drunk girl on phone: Yeah, so I decided that I'll go on a date with you. (pause) Well, I made out with some guy tonight and... (pause) No, I don't think he's cuter than you. He's not really cute at all!
Guy she made out with: Um, I'm right here.
Drunk girl: Shhhhhhhhhh, I'm setting up a date with a cute guy!
--1st Ave & 8th St
Overheard by: amused
Americans Prefer to Learn About Other Countries by Invading Them
Female yuppie, looking at cover of New York Times: Wow. Look at that picture!
Male yuppie: What is it?
Female yuppie: It's like, some Al Qaeda guy walking in the water with all his guns and stuff.
Male yuppie: Where is he?
Female yuppie: I don't know. Algeria?
Male yuppie: I didn't know there was water in Algeria.
--Crossroads Cafe, Brooklyn
At the Harvard Info Session, They Give You Unsolvable Rubik's Cubes
Stanford admissions officer: You'll need to submit either the act or the act as a part of your application.
Audience: (confused silence)
Audience member: You said "act" twice.
Stanford admissions officer: Sorry. Stanford will take your composite score from the act and break it down, looking at the individual components. If you choose to take the act with writing instead, we will look at your best composite score.
Kid, muttering to dad: Is this some kind of mind game?
--Morgan Stanley Headquarters, Stanford University Information Session
Overheard by: I swear I wasn't mishearing him say
That Doesn't Happen at Your Church?
Julliard student #1: And served it with the brains and everything...a whole chicken.
Julliard student #2: That's disgusting.
Julliard student #1: Yeah, it was sweet.
--Lincoln Center
Now Let's Go Look at the Sculpture Of the Little Boy Being Bathed by Pat Benatar
Old woman, looking at 19th Century European painting of a woman: She looks like someone I know...
Old man: Linda Ronstadt.
Old woman: Yes.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
According to Nietzsche.
Guy #1, in long line to exit ball park: It smells like fart in here.
Guy #2: Yeah, but when you get this many people in this small a space, you're gonna smell some farts.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: xplod
The Way New York Used to Be
Crazy guy, pointing to lady while addressing teenage girl: Are you friends with her?
Teen girl: No.
Crazy guy: No one is friends with each other anymore!
--Q46 Bus
Ah Well. Lake Of Hellfire It Is, Then!
Crazy preacher guy: If you think I'm not telling the truth, fine. But on Judgement Day you will pay for all those times you didn't go to church.
Passenger: Hey, it's Easter Sunday...shouldn't you be in church?
Crazy preacher guy: Oh, shit.
--1 Train
...Unless You're Going to Prank Call Her.
Disheveled middle aged man: You are drunk! You are drunk! You are drunk!
Drunk disheveled middle aged woman, leaning against car: Don't you ever call my mother on Mother's Day again.
--Washington Heights
Overheard by: Tess
Depends-- Will You Eat It Wearing That Shirt?
Ghetto guy #1: Yo man, you know what I want right now?
Ghetto guy #2: Pussy?
Ghetto guy #1: Naw man, one of those falafels.
Ghetto guy #2: Not pussy?
Ghetto guy #1, lifting hands up like scale: Man, falafel. Pussy. Pussy. Falafel. I'd take that falafel any day. (pause) Does that make me gay?
--Q Train
If I Could, I'd Gargle With It
Woman: Why you using all that Purell?
Man: I don't want no pig AIDS.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Ben Solomon
Just an Endless Conversation in a Big Room Full Of Chairs
Out-of-town girl: Is this a musical?
Parents: No... (mutters something unintelligible)
Out-of-town girl, flipping through Playbill: There's not even one song...
--Studio 54 Theater, Waiting for Waiting for Godot to Start
Overheard by: Jil
Besides, Mirrors Are Washable
Dude #1: Ew, bro, that's incest!
Dude #2, sheepishly: No, it's not...
--W 9th St & 5th Ave
Now Carmen Sandiego, Maybe I Could Help You With.
Very confused foreign man: Excuse me, excuse me, I have to find Duane Read.
Port Authority cop: (silence)
Very confused foreign man: Sir! I have to find Duane Read!
Port Authority cop: Who!?
Very confused foreign man: Duane Read!
Port Authority cop: Neva heard of 'im.
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Hans in Brooklyn
Not When It's $100 for the First Ejaculation and $20 for Each Additional...
Young boy #1: But I can't hold it in!
Young boy #2: Just wait until we get to Grand Central.
Young boy #1: I can't, though. I got therapy. I'm into hitting people.
Young boy #2: And masturbating?
Young boy #1: Oh, yeah, masturbating. A lot.
Young boy #2: Man, therapy is the place to be!
--6 Train
Overheard by: pomy
Headline by: Roseknows
Runners-Up:
· "Every Session Has a Happy Ending!" - Derek
· "If Only I Had Issues.." - Moogley
· "It's the Best Place To, You Know, Let It All Out" - Lukas
· "Sometimes You Just Gotta Pound Something!" - Therapy
· "The Doctor Says the Final Treatment Is Something Called "Donkey Punching"" - Sodajerk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
A Long Time Ago, Baby. Now Fuck Off.
White man: You going to church too?
Black woman: Yes.
White man: You know, I just started crying last week at service. It is so powerful.
Black woman: I know.
White man: I mean, our next President will be the last President before the Antichrist comes. Are you ready to be saved?
--Foster Ave & Marlborough Rd, Brooklyn
Especially Not Buffy Fans
Guy #1: Are you Xander with an x or Zander with a z?
Guy #2: An x.
Guy #1: Nobody likes a Xander with a z.
--Hunter College
Exactly Half
Hipster guy: And then we wandered down the street into Bed-Stuy, like into the projects, and these guys were screaming at us, like, "You in the wrong part of Brooklyn, white boys!" ...but Marcus is half black!
Hipster girl: Oh, so it's not entirely ironic when he freestyles?
--Hayden Residence Hall, NYU
White Bread, but Still
Freshman girl #1: Oh my god! Bread! My bread!
Freshman girl #2: Wait...what...? Oh, yeah! Bread! I love you, bread!
Freshman girl #1: Oh, bread. You're my bread.
--114th St & Broadway
Overheard by: pomy
That's Just Springtime in New York, Sweetie
Drunk woman: You smell like shit!
Sober 20-something: I took a shower after I went to the gym.
Drunk woman: Did you shower in shit?
Sober 20-something: No.
Drunk woman: Oh.
(pause)
Drunk woman: Are you sure?
--Lafayette & Houston
Overheard by: Luke
Wait, Don't Spoil It for Me!
Girlfriend: What's the movie Milk about?
Boyfriend: Gay guy.
--Video Store, Astoria
New Yorkers Never Look at You, Anyway
Man carrying camera and subway map: Do you think we look like tourists?
Woman carrying huge fanny packs, dead serious: No, I think we look okay.
--N Train
If It Tastes Like Shit/ It's Easier to Quit
20-something guy, reading cigarette pack: "Light" does not mean safer. It refers to taste. Lights wont help you quit smoking.
Friend: Uh, alright. Let me get a pack of ultra lights.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jack Straw
I Don't Like Where This Is Going
Older bag lady: How do you think mayor Bloomberg got so rich?
Woman with baby in stroller: I don't know. How?
Older bag lady: You think by being a slut?
Woman with baby stroller: Maybe.
Older bag lady: How do you think Oprah Winfrey got so rich?
Woman with baby in stroller: I don't know.
Older bag lady: You think by being a slut?
--Union Square
Overheard by: floridasunshine
Why You Gotta Be Ignorant All Your Life?
Gangsta #1: Yo, before meiosis shit's gotta do DNA replication.
Gangsta #2: What you talkin about? It just splits in fuckin half.
Gangsta #1: Nigga, you dumb.
--Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: I Love Biology
For Emily, Wherever This Quote May Find Her
Guy on cell talking loudly: Where the fuck are you, Emily? (pause) Are you shopping? Don't lie to me, Emily! I will come over there and fucking beat the dogshit out of you. (pause) I don't care if I go to jail, it will be worth it to slap your lying ass around. (pause) You don't buy me shit, Emily. Do you buy me my underwear? No! Do you buy me socks? No! I do. What about all those purses and shoes you have? Me!
Random Dominican teenage girl: Damn, Emily really don't buy him nothing.
--Lucky Star Bus
Overheard by: chinatown bus traveler
Don't Even Ask Her About "Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho"
Dopey guy: Oh yeah, Phenomena!
Girlfriend: No, it's "mahna mahna"... The Muppets, right?
Dopey guy: But I always thought it was "Phenomena"! Like...Phenomenon.
Girlfriend: No. (sighs)
--Subway, 29th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Jane
Or Whose Slogan Is "A Gay President in 2084"?
Small blonde woman, pointing at pink enamel elephant pin for sale: That's cute.
Shopping companion: Yeah, do we know any Republicans with either breast cancer or the DTS?
--Housing Works, Hudson & 10th St
Why Frazzled-Looking Ladies Make Excellent Drug Mules
Cop doing random bag checks to young woman rushing through station: Excuse me, ma'm...
Young woman: (glances at cop)
Cop, backing up: Oh, you're in a hurry. (turns around, woman keeps running, bag unchecked)
--F Train
To Be Fair, It Was X-Treme Chess
Cashier chick: Yeah, I'm not sporty at all.
Hot cashier guy with snakebites: Oh, yeah, me either, the only sport I've ever played was chess.
--Urban Outfitters Store, NoHo
Overheard by: doesn't know how to play chess.
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