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...Just Like Janet Explained in Your Wedding Vows?
Long haired guy: Jung would say I have a very low sensate rating.
Meathead: What? So you're retarded?
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
It Takes Hours to Sew a Vest Out Of Human Skin
Guy #1: She's the kind of girl that could turn you into a serial killer.
Guy #2: Huh. Wouldn't want to go there again.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: KT
Exactly How They Do Business in Ireland
Former frat boy #1: So someone said "shots," and someone else said "tequila," and I said I didn't like tequila, so then I'm doing Irish Car Bombs. Next thing you know, $120 gone like that! (snaps fingers)
Former frat boy #2: Yeah, but you thought you were networking.
--7 Train
Overheard by: Barry
The Other White Death
Man: (sneezes)
Woman: Swine flu!
--14th St
Overheard by: moxychique
I Blame The Who-Cares Bears Movie
Kid #1: How old is she?
Kid #2: Six.
Kid #1: And she's goth?
--Myrtle Ave & Washington, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dark Lord in Training
Something About the Three-Part Bun
Hipster guy: Then, she sent me all these naked pictures of herself.
Hipster chick: So what did you do?
Hipster guy: Went to McDonald's. Big Macs clear my head.
--87th & Lexington
A Fitting End for Mr. Gere
Portly man: So what are you trying to tell me?
Skinny blond teen: He choked to death on a live hampster!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Not how I wanna go
There's a "Hoes/Hose" Pun in Here Somewhere
Hipster #1: They thought it was the coolest thing they'd ever done.
Hipster #2: The firemen?
Hipster #1: The girls.
--Lafayette & E 4th
Overheard by: Jon A.
Eve Went on to Ruin Everything for Everyone
Crazy lady, pointing at Christmas tree: Is the tree real?
Doorman: Yes, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Can I go smell the tree?
Doorman: Yes, ma'am.
Crazy lady, going over to tree: Can ah smell yo, tree? (giggles)
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Neck Twister
Singing "You Catholic Girls Start Much Too Late"?
Jersey teen on class trip: I wonder if they've got Billy Joel here.
Friend: Dude, isn't he some preacher in Texas?
--Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame Annex, Mercer St
Overheard by: stillrockn'rolltome
Note the Freedom Fros
Old tourist woman to daughter, about gangsters shouting slang to each other: Is that French?
Daughter: No... That's Ebonics.
--Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: Noah
Which Explains Why Jumpsuits Are Back in Fashion
Long-hair hobo: All America is an insane asylum.
Hobo friends: (chuckle)
--18th St & 6th
Overheard by: Moose
The De Beers Commercial That Never Made It to TV
Gay, complaining about relationship: I'm so tired of this...do you think love lasts forever?
Girl, obviously frustrated about being single: Fuck it, Jaimie, the real question is whether it ever starts.
--H&M, NoHo
Overheard by: Yeah I'd like to know too
The Side Of George W. Bush You Rarely Saw
Guy: Of course I thought about it before I did it!
Girl: So you're a premeditated moron.
--55th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cornbread Jim
How'd You Know?!
Smoking scenester #1 to another, after seeing toy poodle: Hey, look, that must be one of them dumb city rat dogs.
Girl with poodle to smoking scenester #1: Hey, look, you must be one of those dumb bridge & tunnel cunts.
--11th & 1st
I Thought It Was an Inside Joke Between the Two Of You
Man #1, to dog: See you later, Cody.
Man #2 (dog owner): His name is Toby.
Man #1: But I've been calling him Cody for ten years!
Man #2: I know.
--Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: M. Blair
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Boys But Were Afraid to Ask
Guy #1: He wouldn't stop telling me to eat the cactus, so I just broke down and did it.
Guy #2: Wow, what about the needles?
Guy #1: I put it in a blender first, dumbass.
Guy #2: Oh. So what happened?
Guy #1: I drank like three quarters of it and I threw up. A lot. Like "mother of god."
Guy #2: Sheesh, then what?
Guy #1: I passed out for about 9 hours.
Guy #2: Awesome.
Guy #1: Yeah.
--G Train
America, Encapsulated.
Black guy in suit: Gimme a hug!
Black lady: I'll give you a hug once you pay me.
--Lexington Ave & 43rd St
Overheard by: dees
Aren't Fuschists, Like, Nazis?
Defensive blonde: You can't mock my leggings, they're awesome! How dare you?!
Offended brunette: They're fuchsia. How dare you?
--21st St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Sarah R
The Porno Remake Of The Blob Has Something for Everyone
Girl to boyfriend, picking something up: Oh! Titties, a porno! (hands DVD to boy)
Boyfriend, opening case: Ugh, this probably has something gross on it. (thinks) Actually, my hand is sticky.
Girl: Eww! You're right. We have to wash our hands before touching any orifices.
--13th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: libit
Ahem-- The First Rule Of the Dino Show Is "Don't Talk About the Dino Show"
Little boys, watching two torosauruses battling during dinosaur show: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Little boy ringleader: Rip his head off! I came to see some action!
Little boys: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Little boy ringleader: Fascinating! This is fascinating!
--Walking with the Dinosaurs Show, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Milna
As Depicted in the Epic Documentary Short Bust-a-Nut
Big guy: I read the other day on the internet that masturbating can really make you retarded.
Clerk: Really? (long pause) Wow!
--Porn Shop, Time Square
Overheard by: carepicha
Um, No
Gay: Where is she?
Girl: She said she was watching Paris Hilton's My New BFF.
Gay: Oh, was that on her twatter?
Girl: You mean Twitter?
--Student Center, NYU
Just Give Me a Minute to Clean Up Here
Male barista: Sorry, we're closed.
20-something girl: Can I get a tea bag to go?
--Café, Washington Square Park
I'm So Proud Of Him
Guy visiting mother at new office: Man...I've been in jail cells bigger than this.
Mother, to coworkers: He really means that.
--Fordham University
Speaking Of the Filth Of Humanity...
Whiny old man: I hate the cold. I get so cold I hafta take a hot shower every night. How 'bout you?
Old woman: Well, Eddy, you're supposed to take showers all the time.
Whiny old man: How about that OJ Simpson?
--B3 Bus
Overheard by: Laura E.
Then How Can I Be a Jerk Off, Brainiac?
Man #1, annoyed at being pushed: You don't have to push!
Man #2: Well, it was really crowded.
Woman: Welcome to New York!
Man #1, to woman: Your mother!
Woman: That's mature! What are you, in the 5th grade? Grow up, jerk-off!
Man #1: Suck my dick!
Woman: You don't got one, honey!
--F Train
Overheard by: Alliem
Fine, but My Odor's Peaking Right Now
Preppy blond girl: Can you smell me? I smell so good.
Less preppy blond girl: Oh my god! Yeah! But can I smell you after class?
--Columbia University
I Still Can't Remember Where I Left the Baby
Teenybopper #1: I really want some gum.
Teenybopper #2: Oh, here I have some. I bought this last night because I had some beers before babysitting, and I didn't wanna show up smelling like booze.
--Downtown 2 Train
Can't We Just Go to the Coma Ward and Throw Stuff at Grandma Again?
Park Slope dad: Do you know how to play dodgeball?
Eight-year-old son: No...
Park Slope dad: I throw the ball at you, and you try not to get hit.
Eight-year-old son: That doesn't sound like fun.
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Becka Dash
A White Person Would Be Too Chicken to Make That Comment
Black woman #1: Well, at least there's still that KFC.
Black woman #2: No, it's not there anymore!
Black woman #1: What? It's scary when there isn't even a KFC in a black neighborhood anymore.
--39th St & 8th Ave
Okay, Better
Little boy: I farted!
Mother: Oh, Andrew, that's gross.
Grandma: Yes, say "excuse me" and then get out of here.
Little boy: Bombs away!
--Target, Queens
Unlike Every Other Disney Song
Younger girl, singing: Salacado, lamenchekaboo, bippity boppity boo. Put 'em together and what have you got? Bippity boppity boo!
Older girl: That song was definitely written by an autistic crackhead.
--The Disney Store
I See You Share My Affliction, Brother
Ticket seller: Hey guy! Wanna see a comedy show?
Teenager: Sorry, I was born without a sense of humor.
Ticket seller: Go fuck yourself!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Vinny B
Headline by: Toby
Runners-Up:
· "It Would Have Been Funnier If He Wasn't an Autistic Hermaphrodite" - Prole
· "Jimmy Fallon Turns Down Tickets to His Own Show" - walty
· "Now *That* Would Be Quite a Show..." - Green Star
· "Really? I Was Born with Tourrettes..." - Chad King
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Technically I Think She Outsources to the Maid
Girl #1: Oh my god! I can't believe my mom only got a B+ on my history paper.
Girl #2: Well, I can't believe your mom does your schoolwork and writes your papers for you. Don't you ever feel guilty?
Girl #1: Umm...no. Since she's, like, paying for my college and stuff, then it's only fair that she gets to do the work.
--SoHo
They Were Feeling Their Oats When We Played 'em
White hipster teen, about basketball team: So are you guys good?
White hipster friend: Yeah, dude! I mean, we win against like black schools and shit. We just beat Brooklyn Friends last week.
White hipster teen: Dude, Brooklyn Friends is not a black school! Brooklyn Friends is a Quaker school!
--60th St & Amsterdam
Whatever, Mr. Gender-Identity Gestapo
Madison Square Garden worker: Sir... Sir! Sir, where the hell do you think you're going?
Man, with five-year-old kid: I'm gettin' in the line for the bathroom.
Madison Square Garden worker: Sir, it looks to me like you're trying to get into the ladies bathroom.
Man: But I got a kid!
Madison Square Garden worker: Did you give birth to your kid?
Man: No!
Madison Square Garden worker: Then it looks to me like you're in the wrong fuckin line.
--Madison Square Garden
Wednesday and the World One-Liners With You, Cry and You Cry Alone
Girl, loudly and enthusiastically: Everything I say is a joke!
--City Bakery, 18th St
Girl to guy: What's so funny? Did you fart?
--W 96th & Broadway
Overheard by: Megan W.
Santa, chasing scared teen: Do you think it's funny to throw things at people's heads? How about I break your face?
--42nd St
Girl: I'm really excited that, like, within our lifetime, there are gonna be funny movies about Obama.
--Manhattan Theatre Source
Overheard by: Emily B.
Laughing girl on phone: Come on, please! Please! Just take off your clothes and take pictures! (pause) Come on, mom, it would be so funny!
--Union Square
20-something skater guy to another: And then I started whackin' off, and it was hilarious.
--Broadway & E 10th St
Overheard by: Timothy
Wednesday One-Liners Get a Hoboner
Hobo: I am homeless and ashy. Can anyone spare some lotion? I want to go from ashy to classy.
--A Train
Overheard by: SBroto
Hobo: If looks could kill I'd be dead. Kind words don't hurt nobody. I give sandwiches.
--Shuttle to Grand Central
Overheard by: alan b hutscar
Panhandler, holding top hat overflowing with bills: And take your newspapers and personal belongings with you, I got company comin' over tonight!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Anthony LoDuca
Hobo: You think anyone ever went to Harvard and forgot about it?
--Central Park
Hobo, near no tripping hazards or holes: Watch your step! Don't fall! Look where you're going! Don't fall down!
--4th & Broadway
Singing hobo: I'm gonna be on Broadway! You're all invited! I don't care what you look like. Even you! (points to random man)
--1 Train
F4F Wednesday One-Liners
Fat, hairy hipster guy: I don't know, but somehow, lesbians are always a little in love with me.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: I'm sure, dude.
Fanboy-looking dad to 10-year-old son: Well, if there is a lesbian headquarters, it's probably, um...
--Prospect Park
Barnard freshman: The way I dress people think I'm a lesbian.
--Barnard College
Overheard by: funny
Young Latina to another: That's not being a lesbian, that's being nasty!
--5 Train
Overheard by: E.J.
20-something to another: She looks like Sherlock Holmes crossed with a lesbian.
--1 Train
Please Don't Feed the Wednesday One-Liners
Elderly woman to Bulldog: If you were human, you would be a male model.
--44th & 3rd
Female on phone, trying to be discrete: I could take a million pictures without makeup and I could make it on the cover of Vogue. I am telling you I just want a model agent to come up to me and say "you are gorgeous, I want you to model." I know I have what it takes!
--Outside Bobst Library
Overheard by: V Liebs
Scrawny short dude: You know, I like the model-type chicks.
--Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Jon A.
Battery Park city mom, about son: He's not even four and he can earn as much from one commercial as he can from a year of modeling.
--World Trade Centre Plaza
Girl walking around with a camera: People get so awkward when you're carrying around a camera. Come on people! Give me something I can use here! You are all models!
--44th & Lexington
Overheard by: apparently a model
Drawing professor: I'm not allowed to sleep with the models.
--Pratt Institute
Cuba Gooding Jr: "Show Me the Wednesday One-Liner!"
CEO on phone: Fuck you! Just get me the things I need to make money.
--12th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jeremy
Older man wearing yarmulke, screaming into cell: Hi! I think I left a check for $19,000 in the armoire, can you check if its there? (pause) Oh, good! I was so worried! I will deposit it tomorrow! (pause) Yeah! I'm going over the bridge! (pause) Okay? I gotta go! Bye!
--Q Train
Frustrated girl on cell: I've only got a metro card and $20! I can't take the bus!
--85th & Columbus
Overheard by: Jesse D
Female student: My dad didn't pay two $200,000 for me to be a bartender.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Greg
Singing hobo: I work hard for the money, I work hard for the money, so you better work hard for me!
--W 4th St
Overheard by: DRC
Bursar office attendant: All we do is take yo money.
--Pratt Institute
Wednesday One-Liners from Beyond the NYC Event Horizon
Five-year-old girl, holding her nose, to mother: It smells here! It smells like New Jersey! Mommy! It smells like New Jersey!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Cicero
Teenager: Oh, wow, I didn't know New Jersey had any buildings.
--Christopher St. Pier
Girl on cell: I think I slept with a whore. Then I woke up in Jersey.
--Washington Square
Overheard by: Rachel
Crazy-sounding drunk girl: Ewww, why are there so many people from New Jersey here?
--Bowery & E 4th
Overheard by: do they emit a particular odor?
NYU guy trying to impress girls: My dad actually grew up right around here. Well...in New Jersey.
--St. Mark's & 3rd Ave
Girl sitting on raised metal platform on front deck to friend: Hey, do you want to turn around? We're looking at Jersey again.
--NYU LSP Boat Cruise
Wednesday P.A.-Liners
Building fire safety supervisor, over intercom: Attention! This is your fire safety supervisor. The alarm you are hearing was accidentally triggered by a delivery person on the 18th floor. Repeat, the alarm was accidentally triggered. There is no fire. I will continue to keep you alarmed throughout the day.
--5th & 57th
Overheard by: Paul Tabachneck
MTA worker over intercom: Attention ladies and gentlemen, there is no n or r train service at this station. I repeat: no n or r train service at this station. (repeats this roughly a dozen times) You hear that? No trains. Not even half a train. No. Trains.
--59th & Lexington
Overheard by: was hoping there was a chance of a train...
Female announcer, with a little attitude: Attention people standing on the uptown local platform! Why are you standing there? No trains are stopping at that platform; they're all on the express track, like that c train stopping right now.
--34th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: going downtown, thank you
Announcer: We would like to remind all passengers that there is no smoking on MTA platforms. Especially blunts. (guy smoking blunt in station leaves)
--High Street Station
Loudspeaker: Will James please come to the courtesy desk? Your wife is lost.
--Stop 'n' Shop, Staten Island
Overheard by: Emily
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Two-Drink Minimum
Flyer guy: Smile, you're on Broadway! (singing) You're never fully dressed...when you're naked! (stops singing) So come to New York's best improvisational comedy club! Be there, or be someplace else!
--Times Square
Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy
Annoying man outside comedy club, to passerby: Do you like stand-up comedy? (passerby ignores him keeps walking) Do you like free alcohol? (passerby keeps walking) Do you like ignoring me? (passerby turns head and nods)
--Broadway
Overheard by: Wojo
Comedy show ticket salesman to couple: So, what are you two doing tonight...besides each other?
--Broadway & 49th St
Overheard by: Theo
Ticket guy to walking couple: Do you like comedy or do you just do each other? Maybe that's all you need.
--51st & 8th
Overheard by: PartyByNight
Street vendor: Want to see a comedy show for $10? Free drinks! Cheaper than crack cocaine!
--42nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: gradstudent
Comedy club flyer guy: Blah, blah, blah, take my flyer!
--Times Square
Overheard by: No flyer, but props for the delivery
Wednesday One-Liners and the People Who Love Them
Marketing girl: Would you like to try a new perfume? It's for you and your pet!
--Bryant Park, Outside Fashion Week Tents
Overheard by: jycho
Girl: I told my mom that I would probably be alone for the rest of my life. Yesterday she sent me an e-mail with a link to petfinder.com.
--Student Center, Barnard
Overheard by: Kristine
Man trying to sell comedy club tickets: Cheaper than an abortion! More entertaining than the crucifixion! More fun than euthanizing your pets!
--50th Ave & Broadway
Overheard by: Colleen
Queer on cell: Well, women are just pets for straight men.
--E 10th St
Woman on cell: So are you going to tell your daughter that you ate her pet?
--20th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jesse S G
It's Not Delivery-- It's Wednesday One-Liner!
Student: A lot more people would definitely vote if there was free pizza at polling places.
--Queens College
Overheard by: Suze
Hipster: Papa John's makes me want to have Aids.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
Drunk person: Hey! This isn't the original Ray's!
--Ray's Pizza
Overheard by: Darwin
Girl to friend: So you only need a slice of pizza to get you wet?
--Slaughtered Lamb Pub
Overheard by: sinko
Old dude carrying blue plastic bag to pigeon: Pizza! My darling! Pizza! My pizza!
--9th St & 1st Ave
Hobo to passers-by: You need a dog! Don't eat the pizza, you will get fat!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Lily
Oh No, Wednesday One-Liners Didn't!
Middle aged white woman on cell: I did not call you a scumbag, but you are a scumbag.
--3rd Ave & 85th
Overheard by: Guy Walking
Street youth to another: Nigga, you got a face like a hologram!
--159th St & Ft. Washington
Girl: Yeah, she was like, "Oh my god! Did you see what this guy was wearing?" Please, she should go to a state school, because it sounds like that's where she belongs.
--NYU
Girl to boyfriend, during fight: You're like an empty Christmas present!
--16th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Lizzie
Guy on cell: Well, that's one way of looking at it, but could it be possible that you just suck as a person, and it was really all your fault?
--N Train
Overheard by: Shock-E
Wednesday H1N1-Liners
Sick girl: I probably don't have swine flu...but I was in Brooklyn last night.
--90th St & Lexington
Overheard by: UESider
Woman on cell: What's with this pig virus thing going around? It's killing people in Mexico, Europe, here in Queens... (pause) Do that many people eat bacon?
--55th & Madison
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
High school student, watching overheated and smoking car: What the fuck is this shit?! Dat nigga's muffler got dat swine flu!
--M86 Bus
Overheard by: Ben
Hipster guy on cell: Oh, your enthusiasm is just like the swine flu!
--22nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: BL
Amateur rapper, walking down street: If you got the swine flu, bitch, stay outta my hood! Cause the sun it is shinin' and I'm feelin' so good.
--188th St & Washington Ave
Hipster guy: Abby is a total germophobe. She was like, "what have you eaten lately?" and I was like, "a raw pig from Mexico. Is that bad?"
--76th St & 3rd Ave
The Babushkas Are Just for Style
Teacher, looking at photo: Ahhh, was this taken in Russia?
Student: No, that's Coney Island.
--Stuyvesant High School
Are You Sure One's Not Just a Teeny Bit More British?
Hipster guy: I can never tell the difference between Ralph Fiennes and Raif Fiennes.
Hipster girl: That's because they're the same person.
--W Train
Overheard by: Andrew
Meet the Chubby Elle Woods
Girl to boyfriend mocking her for not swiping credit card properly: Ken! Don't you dare make fun of me!! I've had a really hard day!
Ken: Why? What happened?
Girl, choking: I failed my mid-terms. (suddenly swipes her card angrily) All I want right now is my Cosmopolitan and candy bar. That's all I ask of life!
--Store, 59th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Frank S
Oh, I Wouldn't Go That Far
Dude: So I was like, "Whoa!"
Chick: And then I was like, "Whoa!"
Dude: And then we were both like, "Whoa!"
--Caesar's Bay, Brooklyn
And Straight!
14-year-old Mexican girl #1: I might start telling people he's my son, instead of my little brother.
14-year-old Mexican girl #2: Why would you want to do that?
14-year-old Mexican girl #1: Because then guys will think I'm easy!
--N Train
I Thought You Meant It Metaphorically
Angry male #1: She's sixteen years old, you fuck! Sixteen!
Angry male #2: Well, I didn't know that!
Female: I told you last night!
--3rd Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: heard this from the 8th floor
When In Doubt, Disguise Yourself As Daniel Powter
Old Italian cop to Jamaican dude he just pulled over: Sir, have you been drinking tonight?
Jamaican dude: Me love you lately.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Only in Brooklyn
I Wasn't Always a Security Guard, Y'know
Girl selling at bake sale #1: This is so stupid. No one wants anything.
Security guard: That's cause you're doin' it all wrong.
Girl selling at bake sale #2: Oh yeah? What should we do?
Security guard: Next person that passes, be like "Yo! I got your brownie!" then when they come over, give it to them and be like "Aight, that's two dollars."
--Manhattan College, The Bronx
Ever Feel Like There's Less Mystery in the Gay Dating Scene?
Drunk guy #1: Don't take this the wrong way, but I really want to take you home tonight.
Drunk guy #2: How am I supposed to take that?
Drunk guy #1, seriously: In the ass.
--F Train
Alanis Is Not Alone In Her Misunderstanding Of Irony
Girl #1: I think I'm gonna cut his class today.
Girl #2: Yeah, me too, it's just going to be some dumb lesson on women's rights.
--Frank Sinatra High School
The Deeply Stupid Are Immune to Sarcasm
Customer to employee: Excuse me, are these zucchini?
Employee: No, they're pickles.
Customer: Are you sure? They look like zucchini!
Employee: Yes, they're pickles.
Customer: Oh. (pause) Do they taste like zucchini?
Employee, after long pause: Yes. Yeah...pickles tastes like zucchini.
--Balducci's Restaurant
I Can't Keep Up with You Crunchy Hippies
Customer: Excuse me, do you know where the croutons are?
Whole Foods maintenance guy: Croutons? That some kind of vegetable or something?
--Whole Foods, Houston St
And I Remembered That Story About the Milk and the Cow
Female undergrad #1: How was your first date with that new guy?
Female undergrad #2: Really great! I must really like him, because I didn't sleep with him.
--NYU
"Hold My Johnson" Is Up in Chelsea
Woman in Santa Claus costume, looking lost: Excuse me, honey, do you live around here?
Girl: Yeah.
Woman in Santa Claus costume: Do you know where there's a bar called Johnson, or Hold My Johnson, or something?
Girl, laughing: Johnson's? It's right across the street.
--Rivington St
Overheard by: hahahaha
Translation: "Just Google It, You Lazy Ho."
Girl to cashier: Do you have any locations in North Carolina?
Cashier to girl: No, we only have locations on the East and West coasts.
--Store, Grand Central
Wait a Minute-- Are You the Creepy Guy?
Annoyed woman: And then there's that one guy, that creepy guy who's always harassing me.
Confused man: Who?
Annoyed woman: That guy, he's really pale.
Confused man: Oh, is this the albino guy?
Annoyed: No, no, the albino guy is cool. It's that film student.
Confused man: The guy who works at Anderson's?
Annoyed woman: No, that's the other one. He's all right, that guy's all right.
--R Train
Overheard by: Hannah
That, and They're Grateful to Date a Black Guy
Black girl on stoop #1: What is the difference between us and white girls?
Black girl on stoop #2: They roll joints?
--16th St & Irving
Overheard by: Kristin
Would You Like One, Though?
Duane Reade cashier: Do you have a club card?
Crazy hobo: No, I don't have a club card. I work my way through this life. I don't need nobody doin' me no favors. A favor is like a handjob. I don't need one.
--Duane Reade
Not All Babies Should Be Photographed
Girl, looking at friend's cell phone: What is that?
Friend: A baby!
Girl: Oh, I thought it was chicken. It looks like a barbecued chicken.
--4 Train
Don McLean: Eeeexcellent!
Group of teens, singing very loudly: Bye, bye, miss American pie, drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry...
Girl teen: We're a cult!
--Columbus Circle
All Those Years in the Taffy Pull Have Finally Paid Off!
College bro #1: Yo, Troy! Guess who got voted biggest dick on campus?
College bro #2: I dunno, dude...
College bro #1, interjecting: You, man! High five!
--Fordham University
Forty-Year-Old Wirgins
Asian guy #1: Dude, the Wii is so much better than the Cube.
Asian guy #2: No, the Cube is so much better!
Asian guy #3: Yeah, the Cube has so much more power, and the dynamics of the graphics...
Asian guy #2, interrupting: The graphics! They are soooo awesome!
Asian guy #1: Hey, guys? Why are we talking about video games?
Asian guy #3: Because we're boys.
Asian guy #2: Nah...because we're Asian.
Asian guy #3: Dude, if I could be Colossus it would be sooo cool, cuz I wouldn't have to wear my glasses anymore!
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Emma
Headline by: Doc Dan
Runners-Up:
· "And Have an Undersized Metal Penis!" - Patrick
· "Every Asian Girl´s Parents´ Wet Dream!" - Ria
· "It Was at This Moment Kim Jong-il Selected His Son to Be His Successor" - What about NES?
· "Somewhere, the Mutant Sunspot Is Gently Weeping" - wirrrn
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Cleverly Camouflaged by Sweet-Sounding Synthesizers
Goth girl: I'm not going to lie, I love the new Britney album.
Brunette friend: What? You like Britney?
Goth girl: Yeah. I have a dark side, you know.
--5th Ave & 13th St
Glenn Close: Now That's Crazy
Black woman: Girl, I be crazy!
Friend: I know!
Black woman: I mean, that nigga break up with me, and I just start in with the rip-rip-rip, and I tore up his clothes, and his furs, right?
Friend: Right!
Black woman: And then he come home, and that nigga be cryin'! And I'm like, "No furs, no car, no nothin! You thought it was over? Now it's over!"
Friend: Yeah!
Black woman: And he can't do nothin' to me--I'll have his ass thrown in jail, you know. And then get him ass-raped.
Friend: What?
Black woman: Yeah, my dad's in prison. How about that, nigga? I put your ass in jail, then I get you ass-raped!
Friend: You are one crazy bitch!
Black woman: You know it! All right honey, here's the subway, gotta go, love you!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
He Won't Leave the House Without Product in His Fur
Salesperson to customer with small dog: You know that we now have pet products?
Customer: Yes, he's using them already.
Salesperson: Oh, he looks great!
--Kiehls, 3rd Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: David Feldman
Interesting Placement Of the Nuts, Though.
Old white guy #1, examining model building with acorn-topped pillars: They look like penises.
Old white guy #2: Yep.
--New York Botanical Gardens
Overheard by: that's what she said?
...And Try Smoking Her Fern Again.
Girl #1: I've got some really good pot at home.
Girl #2: Nah, let's just go to my mom's house.
--Temple of Dendur, The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Thanks for looking at the paintings
Which Is Why Your Name Is "Suburban"
Four-year-old girl: Daddy, you love your Bourbon, don't you?
Embarrassed dad: Sh, sweetie...daddy's car is called a "Suburban."
--Kings Plaza Mall
I Feel Smarter Just Being Here
Gay guy, going through Miro exhibit: Are these paintings still Miro's?
Blonde hag: Oh no, I don't think so. It says here they're Pastel's.
--MoMA
And This Time I'll Make It Talk in a Really Creepy Voice
20-something year old girl: So you just sat with the dead baby for six months?
20-something year old guy: I told you not to talk about this in public, you'll be sitting right next to it if you keep bringing him up around people.
--Applebee's
Overheard by: Emily
A Double, If You Know What I Mean
Girl #1: Thank god we are in singles next year.
Girl #2: Yeah, I'm getting a vibrator.
--Barnard College
And I Can Obey the No-Two-Straight-Guys-in-a-Stall Rule
Guy #1: Yo, come over here! This toilet's flush is the hardest I've ever seen!
Guy #2: Nah, it's okay! I can just go into this one and do the same thing. (flushes) Yeah, that's it!
--AMC Theatre Men's Room
At Last, My Life's Goal Has Been Realized.
Older woman #1: How much do you sweat?
Older woman #2: I can smell myself!
--Great Lawn
Overheard by: Riding a Bike on this Path
I Prefer to Think Of What I Do As Panhandling Express
Black guy wearing North Face: Listen up, people! I'ma need some money to buy a coat, cuz it's freezin out there! This coat that I'm wearin' ain't mine, it's my friend's. So I'ma need some money to buy a coat...yo, what stop is this?
Asian kid: Times Square.
Black guy: Okay...if you want to donate, you can't. Cause I gotta go, man.
--1 Train
Nor the Laws Of Time and Space
Tourist #1, looking at subway exits: North side or south side?
Tourist #2: What's the difference?
Tourist #1: Well north is north...and south is south.
(both look from one exit to the next and look at each other)
Passing New Yorker: Are you going uptown or downtown?
Tourist #1, thinking: Hmmmm....west.
New yorker: West of 8th...but uptown or downtown? West side of what street?
Tourist #1: Hmm... West side of...23rd Street?
New Yorker, walking away: You don't know what the hell you're doing.
--23rd St
I'm Assuming by Then You'll Want to Hurt Your Partner's Feelings
NYU guy #1: Dude, when you die, can I have your Argyle?
NYU guy #2: What, you mean this?
NYU guy #1: Yeah. I mean, I just really like Argyle and I can't seem to find any good sweaters these days. So, like...could I have it?
NYU guy #2: Dude, sure!
NYU guy #1: But don't like try to die just to give it to me. I can wait a while. I think if you just put in your will something like, "and I bequeath my awesome Argyll to my friend" that should do it.
--8th St & Univerisity Place
Overheard by: Argyll Lover
Jesus Isn't Always the Answer, Y'know
NYU journalism professor: Okay, so who invented the European letter press in the 15th century?
Attentive female student in the back: Jesus!
(TA giggles)
--NYU
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